Chapter Text
“Yuki, have you ever been in a relationship?”
K asked softly, their eyes focused on the paper infront of them. The paper written with the lyrics I formed in a rush.
Honestly, I don’t know what I wrote about. One moment, I had found some scrap paper, I was listening to a draft K sent over. And the next, I had a whole few verses written infront of me.
“That’s an odd question. Why do you ask?” I cautioned.
Kanade giggled, their face lightening with colour. “Please, answer honestly.” They appealed again.
I looked down at the decayed, monochrome ground - I didn’t really want to meet their eyes at the moment. I instead took in the appearance of what layed beneath my folded legs. It had a slight mirror to the shine. My reflection looked dark in it anyway. I didn’t know the ground could be so cold until I set foot in this Sekai.
“Yeah.”
“Yeah, I have been in one. Middle school. With a nice boy.”
I mumbled, my voice projecting more into the ground then Kanade.
My head turned back to K.
“Ah… I see.” They responded, before asking: “Around the same time you were deep into Catholicism, right?” I nodded simply, returning my attention to my feet. Our conversations in Sekai were always as empty. But I could tell in their voice, they were curious. I’m convinced they’re going to press further- “Who? If I… may ask. It’s okay if you don’t want to answer, really…” they encouraged.
“…I want to know what prompted you to ask this first.” I quipped, my fingers roughly tracing the faint outlines of shapes in the ground. I didn’t even realise I was doing it in the first place. This shouldn’t be a hard topic for me. It’s a ‘been there, done that’ sort of thing. So why was I unable to talk about it?
“It’s something I’ve wondered for a while. I figured you would have mentioned it sooner, but I assumed you just didn’t.” They paused, reaching over to take my hand. It was cold, but warmer than mine. Lukewarm, maybe. Atleast it stopped me from digging my nails into the terrain. “I’ve noticed that whenever you write poetical lyrics, they’re usually an unconventional way to describe your feelings rather than your more direct style. It’s an over analysis, I know.” They stated, as if it was a matter of fact.
“I like your lyrics. It’s only fair I analyse each syllable you write.”
“Ah… Thank you.” I don’t think I meant that. I’m not bothered to word my feelings right now. I’ll just let them talk on.
K nodded; atleast they understood.
“You wrote this about someone, didn’t you?”
The paper was pushed infront of me.
I picked it up, my other hand reluctantly clinging to Kanade’s.
“Huh.”
I mouthed quietly.
“I guess I did.”
Unmistakably, these lines…
I don’t understand.
I wrote this about the pressure to become a doctor. Or something like that. No? What did I write about? I was trying to be student council president to better my position in hide school, juggling archery and piano..
Piano…
My hand sharply withdrew from K’s as it reached to pull my hair.
I squinted to reread the words over and over again.
Oh.. My mind must have slipped.
“I don’t understand, it’s been so long since me and Tsukasa talked…”
“Tenma? Tenma Tsukasa?”
K jerked up.
Their voice cracked with utmost confusion. Yeah, me too, Kanade. We stared at eachother for some time, K’s blue eyes slightly ajar. I watched as their light bangs fell further infront of their pale face. They were still.
I swallowed. “Yeah.” I laughed, but it didn’t have much humour in it.
These lines? I definitely wrote about him. I’ve been doing it so much lately, and I don’t know why.
Why did I write them like that...?
Kanade’s right; I write so unconventionally.
I felt my shoulders tense.
“I’ll re-do these. Sorry. It dosen’t make sense, it shouldn’t be like this. It dosen’t match your instrumental at all-“
I was going to continue speaking when I looked up to K’s face.
They were … intrigued. But in a Kanade way. I’m not sure how to describe it.
“I like them. They’re an unusual way to describe love..” K took the paper back from me.
“… ‘Oh circumcise my love for you, it’s far too vapid and aimless.’ It’s good. I’m not sure how they’re related to Tsukasa though. What about ‘love solider’ and ‘I want closure’…?”
“How did you meet him?” Kanade then asked after some silence. “I mean, if we’re talking about the same Tenma… the actor?”
“Yep. The actor.” I sighed.
“Did you like him? Like, actually?” K pressed once more.
I think I did.
“Kinda. It’s complicated. We only broke off because something happened to him.”
I don’t want to think about it.
“Oh, I’m sorry.”
“How long were you together for?”
Yep, another question.
I sighed, trying to signal I didn’t want anymore questions. I’ve already said enough after all. We literally promised to pretend not to know eachother infront of others! It’s going to be awful if anyone else found out about us. I’m lucky it’s just K, Aoyagi and Saki anyway… but Tsukasa has a tendency to run his mouth.
I’ve put my trust in him.
I don’t even know why we don’t want people to know about us.
It’s not like we’re still together.
I’m glad we’re not together.
It’s better if we’re not together.
We weren’t good together.
I can’t believe I even convinced myself he was in love with me too.
“Yuki?”
“Ah… I was lost in my thoughts. Apologies, K.”
“It’s okay..” They smiled. “I know him a bit too. He’s a bit loud, but he’s a really good person at heart. But, I’m sorry to keep going, I noticed you said ‘broke off ’ instead of ‘broke up’, so is there-“
“It’s none of your business.”
K nodded. They were simply confused, before a small smile appeared on their face.
“Okay, I understand. It was wrong of me to keep going when you asked me to. I apologise.. and I hope he’s okay.”
Oh.
Yeah. They do understand me, don’t they..?
“Thank you.” I replied quietly, finally relaxing. I could feel my own shoulders relaxing.
But I was shortly brought back into my thoughts at K’s question. It’s true, I said broke off instead of broke up.
“You know, I have a son your age.”
That’s what Mrs Tenma told me that day.
I don’t really like her. I didn’t really like anyone around Tsukasa. They were just wierd.
I wonder what Tsukasa’s doing right now.
—————-
Some years ago…
—————-
“Mafuyu! Sweetie, your new piano teacher is here.”
My eyes opened. I think it was my mum’s voice that echoed up the stairs.
I sat up in bed, a headache already flooding through my brow. My eyes fell on the student council president posters I had printed out earlier. I promised myself I’d be top of my school to help with my exams. I’ve already got archery on my plate.
“Coming at once, mother!” I answered as upright as possible. My mouth felt numb as usual, so the words left a bitter aftertaste on my tongue. I got up, sully slinged my legs around the edge of bed, and walked towards my door. I would’ve gotten changed but I think it’s just an introduction lesson with my new teacher. I mean, who starts the first lesson with straight Beethoven…? I don’t think I would have minded anyway.
My mum had been urging me to try piano, claiming it would help my precision with my hands - because in the future, it would help with my patients. A doctor needs steady hands. I only accepted since I was sure that the gentle notes of a piano could help, could help soothe the constant tension ringing in my head; yet now that I’m here, about to face the lady that’ll guide me through this instrument, I’m not sure anymore.
As I made my way through the hall and down the steps, my eyes landed on my mother. But then I shifted my gaze. Next to her, a woman. She was short with blonde silky hair, and vibrant peachy-pink tipped ends. She had a gentle smile on her face, it was woven into her wrinkles. Mrs Tenma must the around the same age as my mothers. I’m not sure why I honestly expected someone younger.
“Hello Mafuyu, I’ve heard all about you from your mother. It’s a pleasure to finally meet you.” She took a few steps towards me, with her hand out, ready to shake mine. The thump of her deep red heels clicked behind her. I reciprocated a smile as best as I could, bowing before I outreached my hand. She took it and shook firmly. Oh… Her hands were sweaty and warm with a soft grip. Roughly painted white nails where you could see the cracking, fading nail polish; I could still feel the cheap hand lotion sticking to her palms. As I wiggled my hand out her grip, I met her eyes once more. She was carrying a bright red purse and the red lipstick on her mouth was much to brighter for her face. I’m sure she’s nice, it’s just…
“My name is Mrs Tenma. As you know, I’ll be your piano teacher for some time. Shall we go to your piano?” She titled her head as she spoke, her hands gesturing towards the sad piano in the middle of my living room. Oh… I didn’t want a lesson immediately. I looked over to my mother, a solid expression plastered onto her face. She nodded once, urging me to act. I knew that nod.
“Ofcourse.” I acknowledged. I led her to the piano and sat on the stool, making space for her. I looked behind me after noticing she hasn’t sat down yet.
Oh, she’s getting a chair from my mum. That’s a smarter option.
I opened the cover and pressed a few notes. I like the left side of the piano. Even if I don’t know much about piano , a deep C or D sharp makes a good melody.
“I’d just like to play some songs so I can understand where you’re at. After this quick assessment, we can think about getting theory books.” Mrs Tenma’s voice cut through my broken sonnet. As the chair screeched further underneath the piano, I took notice of her eyes as she came into her place beside me. They were pink and bright. Her face still had that gentle smile. I wonder if she’s really smiling. I wonder why it’s so hard for me to smile so naturally like they do. Like everyone does. Why do I feel so lonely? There’s 2 people in the room with me.. how do I feel so low?
“Mafuyu? Did you hear me?” She asked.
“Oh, sorry. I did. I’ve learnt the basics of some classic peices, but I’d like to learn some more modern ones in my time with you.” I lied through my teeth.
“That’s alright. Please, go ahead and demonstrate your skill.” The woman’s hands gestured to the keys. She uses her hands a lot. She’s quite expressionate. I wish I could be like that.
My fingers drawled towards the keys once more. What do I even play? I need to be good. I can still feel my mother’s eyes on me. She needs me to play good.
“Judging by the silence, you don’t know much, do you?” She chuckled. Her wrinkles formed a bigger smile. As she moved, her gold earrings clicked against her jaw. I didn’t even notice she had any. But the sound sure is annoying. I guess they were covered by her hair. Why even wear earrings when your hair covers it?
“Mafuyu? Earth to Mafuyu?” She waved her cracking hand infront of me.
I shook my head quickly, a smile reappearing on my face like muscle memory. “Sorry! I’m right here. I must be distracted by the nerves… I just didn’t know how to start.”
“That’s okay. No one knows anything at first; that’s why we practice.” She sounded sure of herself. Mrs Tenma then moved closer towards me, her hands gliding across the piano with practised ease. Ofcourse she’s good at this, she teaches it. The woman then reached into her red purse behind her, pulling out some sheet music. Oh boy.
I heard the noise of the office door closing. My mums gone. I let out a deep breath.
I didn’t know how much time had passed. I’ve learnt a bit. I know how to place my fingers and how to relax. I know how to focus on the notes rather than the piano. She’s nicer than I thought. Even if I didn’t learn much, it’s an introduction lesson anyway. We eventually decided that if lessons were going to go ahead, they’ll be on Monday, Tuesday, Thursday after schools, and Saturday mornings.
“Mafuyu, dear, and Mrs Tenma. I’ve bought in some fruit for you to snack on. Please, take a break before you continue. And make sure to not get any food near the piano!”
My mum came in with some grape platters and placed them on the glass coffee table nearby the piano.
“How are you finding the introductory lesson so far?” She walked over and ruffled my hair. I don’t like when she does that.
“She’s finding it well! She’s got the reigns of it so well! I’m sure she’s going to speed through the first few grades quickly, if she decides to take piano lessons seriously of course.” Mrs Tenma cut in, coming to my side and putting her hands on my shoulders. I’m going to have to wash well tonight if I want these staining hands off me.
“That’s wonderful. Please, help yourself to some fruit before you continue. I’ll be in the other room if you need me.” My mother turned on her heel. I felt the air relax as her presence left the room.
“Alright, Mafuyu. Let’s snack a little.” Mrs Tenma smiled, laughing as she proudly took a seat at the table. I followed quickly and sat opposite, more interested in the grapes instead.
We ate and discussed some classical pieces, continuing our conversation about taking these lessons seriously. I talked about my dream to become school council president to help with high school and my skills in archery, before she looked up at me.
“You know, I have a son your age.”
I looked up, pretending to be interested. Why should I fucking care?
“Oh! That’s wonderful.” I replied, smiling, not looking up from my fruit.
“And a daughter a year younger. They’re both very good at piano. My daughter’s going to be a keyboardist some day, but she’s…” Mrs Tenma sighed, sorrow spreading on her face.
She’s? She’s what? I might aswell make her continue.
“She’s…? Please continue.”
“She’s hospitalised. Her name is Saki.”
Oh. That’s kinda sad actually. She’s got a nice name.
“She’s got a heart condition. She’s always unwell, and can’t attend Miyamasuzaka academy next year. We were all so glad she got in, but then she fell horribly sick afterwards. I’ve been working 3 jobs along with my husband to make ends meet for her treatment.” She chuckled. “I’m an accountant, piano teacher and work part-time at a local grocery store. My husband is an executive of a county but also picks up cleaning jobs around the neighbourhood.”
“I’m sorry to hear that.” I looked up at her. I didn’t really expect that… I suppose I shouldn’t judge a book by its cover.
“Whenever I have the time, I visit her. I’m not able to visit my son as much, but I’m sure he’s okay with it. He’s independent, anyway,” She sighed. “Sorry! I didn’t mean to turn the mood so upside down. I was just saying, as all of my clients this year should understand I might not always be able to step in and teach. I’ve asked my son if he could step in with my newer clients, since he dosent have much else to do until he gets into that theatre thing.”
“Theatre thing?” I titled my heard. I don’t really like drama that much, it’s really loud. Who would do it willingly?
“He’s a bit much. I’m sure he means the best.” She laughed again. Mrs Tenma looked at the ceiling, fiddling with her pearl necklace. “He’s desperate to join this acting class. Theatre is his passion. He’s good at fashion, piano and some other stuff. And he’s a sweetheart, he cares so deeply for his sister it’s adorable.”
The way she spoke about her son seemed.. weird. Did she even like her own son? Maybe I’m reading too much into things. I’m sure they’re fine.
“That’s nice, I’m glad he’s got a dream and sticking to it.” I nodded my head along.
“Oh! That reminds me. I’ll need to bring him next time. I know it’s sudden, and your mother has already said it was okay, but I’ll need to bring him with me. I’ve got a tight schedule.”
She didn’t even explain why she had to bring him. This was going to be so unfortunate.
I gritted my teeth subtly under my breath, whispering, “That will be just fine.” I ended my words by biting the inside of my cheek.
I didn’t exactly understand what was wrong; I hadn’t even met the guy and I felt all antsy about him. All the kids I know my age are all the same. Change. They’re excited for change. What’s gonna be so different about Mr Showbiz?
I figured my angry mood was from a lack of sleep, I was practicing auditions for student president late after all. I just want to be in a better position for high school. And I know it’s still a couple of years away, but I need any advantage I can get if it means medical school.
Eventually, I collected our dishes and put them away. I wish my mum would invest in a dishwasher, but apparently having to clean things by hand is the way of our ancestors in Beijing. I haven’t been to China in a while, too focused on my studies.
Me and Mrs Tenma continued our conversation at the piano, until eventually she tapped her wrist, indicating it was time for her to leave. I let out a breath I didn’t even realise I was holding. I’m glad it’s over, but I’ll have to get used to this routine.
Mrs Tenma is a nice lady with nice intentions, so why do I feel so strange? Strange. Strange isn’t the word to describe my feelings, but it’s the only word I have.
And so I waved my goodbye to Mrs Tenma, watching her red purse catch on the door handle as she left. The door closed and I felt utter silence. That piercing feeling of utter loneliness swarmed me again, and I felt my shoulders tense once again. I could hear her footsteps slowly increasing in volume, long strides as she locked onto her prey. The prey, was me ofcourse.
“Mafuyu dear, how are you feeling?” My mother’s voice came from behind me. I turned my head and smiled.
“She was wonderful. I’d like to take these piano lessons seriously.”
“Perfect! That’s what I was expecting from you. How about you go study some more before dinner? That doctor licence isn’t waiting around!”
Ah. Yeah.
I couldn’t move my pen at all. I was stuck, facing my closed notebook. My mind was somewhere else.
Even during dinner, I barely moved my fork. I wasn’t hungry. I felt my chest tighten as my mother’s gaze wandered across me.
I just wanted to go to sleep.
“Honey, why aren’t you eating your food?” Honey? Her voice was dripping with honey, a honey too sweetened with sugar. A honey I don’t like.
”I’m sorry mother, I’m not that hungry.”
”I spent a good while cooking this for you. Think of the children in the other countries that don’t get to eat like this.”
”I’m sorry, I’m not hungry.”
”Honey… please. Don’t eat. You can get sickly and starve.”
My heart clenched in my chest. I stared down at my lap.
”I’m sorry mother. Please, may I be dismissed?” I pleaded.
I looked up to see her reluctant nod. Her lips were pressed into a thin line, her wrinkles scrunched her brow. I didn’t realise how fast I got up, I didn’t even tuck my chair in. I just needed to be in my room. Alone.
I don’t think I slept well that night. I’m just glad it’s over.