Work Text:
Review for: Nugget Heaven ⭐⭐ (Two Stars)
I'm missing my baby's nuggets. I guess he won't eat tonight.
Review for: Tony’s Authentic Slices ⭐ (One Star)
Used to be a regular here till i moved to a new area. i picked up a couple the other day. I've never had a greasier pizza.
Extremely disappointed. Was surprised the US didn't try invade my apartment for the oil.
Review for: The Garden Bistro ⭐ (One Star)
food tasted terrible because it was made with hatred i can feel it.
Review for: Scoops & Loops ⭐ (One Star)
The entire kitchen and wait staff saw an ice cream truck and ran outside, leaving me alone in the restaurant. 10 minutes later they all came back with ice cream cones. I still can't believe this actually happened.
Then, Erling found a new target: Jude’s Grill & Greens. Little did he know, Jude didn't attend the "Customer is Always Right" school of business. He attended the "I Will Fight You in a Nando's Parking Lot" academy.
Review #1 ⭐ (One Star)
Guy manning the cash register was mid. No vibes.
Owner’s Response: sorry, we took him out back and shot him.
Review #2 ⭐⭐ (Two Stars)
Service was awful, food was great. Many items were not available. The service was so bad it was actually entertaining.
Owner’s Response: hey Erling, go kill yourself. why don’t you try opening your own place.
Review #3 ⭐ (One Star)
i saw a rat while eating there yikes...
Owner’s Response: that’s called a mirror.
Review #4 ⭐ (One Star)
i am convinced the chef used to be a taxidermist because this chicken is drier than my grandma’s ashes.
Owner’s Response: and yet you licked the plate clean, you absolute
freak. i watched the CCTV. see you tomorrow for your usual, i guess?
Review #5 ½ ⭐ (Half a Star)
i got stabbed in this bitch you guys!
Owner’s Response: Erling when i catch you? your ass is mine on god. check out my last reply, the threats are all there. when i catch you, so help me god. i’m gonna give you two and a half weeks worth of shit that you’ve been giving me. i promise you, when i catch you? let me tell you what i’m gonna do. i’m gonna punch you in your mouth, your throat and your solo plex. then i’m going to throw you on the ground and commence to stomp in your face to the cement. be prepared.
Erling lived for the notifications. Every time his phone buzzed with a response from Owner (Jude), he felt a rush better than any drug. He was a professional instigator, a hater by trade, and a menace by choice. But there was a problem. He actually loved the food at Jude’s.
Specifically, the Truffle Mac & Cheese with Gold-Crusted Jalapeño Poppers. It was a culinary masterpiece that Erling refused to praise publicly because it would ruin his "unfiltered critic" brand.
There was also the Waiter. Every time Erling went in he saw him. A tall, devastatingly handsome guy with dark hair, a sharp jawline, and the kind of forearm veins that made Erling forget how to type a one-star review.
He had been to the restaurant twelve times in the last month. He had never been lucky enough to be seated in the waiter's section. He usually got stuck with a teenager named Kyle who looked terrified of him.
Today was different. Erling was feeling bold. He had just posted a review saying the napkins felt like "industrial-grade sandpaper," and he was ready
for his Mac & Cheese fix. He sat at a corner table, head down, frantically refreshing Yelp to see if Jude had replied to the sandpaper comment yet. He was so engrossed in his phone, his thumbs flying across the screen as he drafted a new tweet about how the restaurant’s air conditioning sounded like "a dying whale," that he didn't notice the shadow looming over his table.
Clack.
A bowl of steaming, golden, heavenly Truffle Mac & Cheese was set down in front of him.
"One order of the 'Ashes and Sandpaper' special for Erling," a voice drawled.
It was deep. It was smooth. It sounded like it wanted to kill him. Erling froze. He didn't recognize the voice from his previous visits. He slowly looked up, pushing his sunglasses onto the top of his head.
His heart did a backflip. It was the waiter. The hot one. The one with the forearms. Up close, he was even more attractive, but his eyes weren't twinkling with hospitality. They were narrowed in a predatory squint.
Erling’s gaze dropped to the man's chest. Specifically, to the silver name tag pinned to his black button-down.
JUDE.
The blood drained from Erling’s face. The owner. The one who told him to go kill himself. The one who threatened to "get his ass." The guy who replied to his review about the rat by calling him a mirror... was the same man Erling had been thirsting over for three weeks.
Jude leaned down, resting his hands on the edge of the table, effectively trapping Erling in the booth. A slow, dangerous smile spread across his face as
he realized why the "troll" looked so familiar.
"Erling," Shane said, his voice dropping an octave. "You’ve got a lot of nerve showing your face here after the 'stabbing' incident. You looking for a
second hole to match the one you lied about?"
Erling swallowed hard, his phone still open to the Yelp app in his hand. "I...the Mac and Cheese is actually quite good today," he squeaked.
Jude glanced at the phone screen, seeing the draft: 'Wait staff looks like they haven't slept since the Great Depression.'
Jude reached out, his thumb brushing against Erling's wrist as he gently pushed the phone face-down on the table.
"I told you on the app, didn't I?" Jude whispered, leaning in so close Erling could smell the expensive cologne and faint hint of kitchen spices. "I told
you when I catch you, your ass was mine."
Erling’s brain short-circuited. "Is that... is that a threat or a promise?"
Jude chuckled, a dark, raspy sound that made Erling’s toes curl in his sneakers. "Why don't you finish your 'sandpaper' meal, stay until we close at ten, and find out for yourself?" Jude straightened up, giving Erling a wink that was 10% customer service and 90% "I'm so going to ruin your life," before spinning on his heels and walking back toward the kitchen.
Erling sat there, stunned, trembling as he picked up his fork. He immediately opened Yelp.
Review for: Jude’s Grill & Greens ⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐ (Five Stars)
The owner is a violent psychopath. I’m staying until closing. Best mac and cheese in the city.
Two minutes later, his phone buzzed.
Owner’s Response: see you at 10:01. bring your own napkins.