Chapter Text
-Louis and Harry’s Hotel Room; NYC-
“Boo?” Harry called into the hotel room. He walked past the bathroom, glancing in before walking into the sleeping area of the room tripping on a mountain of clothing. He silently cursed regaining his balance. He walked over to Louis’ side of the bed, gently shaking him. “You need to get up.”
Louis made a noise into the pillow.
Harry stopped shaking Louis and start making little circles on his clothed back. “You need to get up,” Harry repeated.
Louis peeked out from his pillow, “No.”
Harry sighed not really knowing what to do. Lately Louis had to be dragged out of bed and to sound check. Harry would always wake up and go work out telling Louis he needed to be ready when he got back but that rarely happened anymore. Harry wondered why he even believed Louis anymore.
“If you get up,” Harry said slowly. “We’ll go tour New York City; I know you’ve always wanted to do that.”
Louis groaned, moving to his side. “You know we can’t Harry.” He looked to Harry’s heavily inked arm. “You might as well add my face to your “Things I Can’t” tattoo. And then dropped his face back to the bed, his body shaking.
Harry was taken aback. He pinched the bridge of his nose and closed his eyes. Harry was, usually, a patient person especially when it came to Louis but lately Louis had been pushing Harry’s patience. “Louis?” Harry whispered, opening his eyes. “Come here.”
Louis hesitated before crawling into Harry’s lap, openly sobbing on his boyfriend’s shoulder. Louis knew his bipolar behavior lately was uncalled for. He knew it was ripping Harry apart inside trying to understand why he was behaving this way. It was just the emptiness he felt inside was slowly getting harder to ignore. A year ago on the Up All Night tour he could push it aside and act like everything was okay. But on this tour that just wasn’t an option within his grasp. Now he turned to cutting. No he wasn’t proud of that but it was the only time, not including being in Harry’s arms, Louis felt alive and whole again. It was the only way, which he knew of, to keep the emptiness at bay.
“What’s going on with you?” Harry whispered, barely audible, as he rocked Louis back and forth.
Louis gulped. He knew Harry would ask that question sooner or later. He was surprised Harry had waited so long to ask. “Um.” He said.
Harry pulled Louis back so they could see each other’s eyes. “You know you can tell or ask me anything, right?” Harry asked a playful gleam in his eyes.
“Oh,” Louis whispered. So Harry thinks I’m acting this way because I’m going to ask him to marry me… I wish it were that easy. He thought. “I’m just… tired I guess still. Jetlagged.”
Harry cocked an eyebrow. Not really buying it. He always knew Louis was lying and this was one of those times. He opened his mouth to confront him but his cell phone started blaring. He cursed again before reaching into his pocket and sliding the answer bar.
“Hello?” said into the phone. His eyes following Louis as he got up and went into the bathroom itching his arm roughly. Weird…
“Hello? Harry?” Liam said. “You there, mate?”
Harry nodded as if Liam could see him. “Yeah I’m here.”
Liam laughed. “You still at the hotel?”
“Yeah I am… and Louis.”
“Ah, okay. Well you two are late for the sound check.”
Harry cursed, again, into the receiver making Liam laugh even harder. “Just get here when you can, mate.” And ended the phone call.
Louis exited the bathroom right as Harry was sliding the phone back into his pocket, still itching his arm. “Your arm, okay?”
Louis froze, dropping his arm. “Y-yeah.” He stammered.
Harry nodded, pursing his lips. “Well we’re late for sound check.”
“Oh!” Louis said, walking around the room looking for his Toms.
“My fault,” Harry said, bending down, grabbing his shoes for him. He straighten out handing over the Toms, as Louis mumbled a thank you. “Lost track of time.”
Louis nodded, putting the shoes on. “You’ll have to shower at the gig, then smelly.”
Harry blinked and then looked down. He was still in his work out clothing.
Louis laughed, hooking his arm around Harry’s waist, pulling him closer. “Come here smelly.”
At this Harry giggled. He bent down and kissed the top of Louis’ head. He felt Louis relax.
Louis smiled, against Harry’s kiss. Already feeling better in his arms after his little melt down and after what he did in the bathroom….
“LET’S GO CRAZY CRAZY CRAZY TIL WE SEE THE SUN.”
Louis jumped back, laughing at Harry’s text tone.
Harry sighed, reading the text. “We gotta go.”
Louis pasted a fake smile on his face. “Come on then, smelly.”
Harry laughed taking his hand and felt a warm liquid. He looked down blood. Blood? What? He released Louis’ hand as if it were poison. “Are you bleeding, boo?”
Louis raised his hand; sure enough a small trail of blood was making its way to his fingertips. “Oh um, I guess. It must have been from where I had been itching it earlier.”
“You want a Band-Aid?”
“I need a lot more than a band aid,” Louis thought. But shook his head instead. “I’m fine, really.”
“You su-?”
“Yes,” Louis hissed out. Pulling down on his long sleeved shirt.
Harry tilted his head but said nothing. “Interesting,” he thought. “Maybe my hunches are right.”
—
“What do you want to do now?” Eleanor practically whined.
Louis sighed; of course Eleanor was walking for him when he walked into the dressing room after sound check making Harry retreat.
Louis looked into the mirror to Lou who shrugged. Their whole crew knew what Eleanor was to Louis and Harry. Just a girl keeping “Larry” from going public. But no one could do anything Modest had them all legally bounded.
“I want to relax,” Louis said through gritted teeth.
Eleanor huffed, rolled her eyes and fell back in her seat. “Well I’m going to go find Danielle… or Perrie then.” She got up and left the room.
“You do that,” Louis called after her, rolling his eyes.
“Louis…” Lou warned.
Louis looked back up to her. “What?”
Lou sighed. “I know you’re getting sick of Eleanor but the poor girl doesn’t have a choice either at this point. Try to be civil.”
Louis nodded, “I know. I’m just… tired.”
Lou gave him a kind smile. “I know you are. Just a little bit longer, yeah?”
Louis smiled, nodding. Eleanor’s contract only had four months left. But that felt like an entirety. Louis didn’t know if he could or would last that long. “You know,” Louis said, channeling what little bit of himself he still had. “You would think Eleanor and I were already married.”
Lou gave a small laugh. “You could have fooled me.”
Louis laughed too but then stopped. She probably didn’t know what act Dave wanted him to do next. He cringed as the memory pulled him in.
“Louis, the fans as of late have been restless, we need you propose to Eleanor.” Dave said, getting right to the point as he sat down across from him and Harry.
“Are you fucking kidding me?” Louis said, jumping up from his seat causing Eleanor, across the table, to roll her eyes. Louis looked to Harry for help but the curly haired boy was glaring at Dave.
“Louis sit down,” Dave spat, rolling his eyes too. “We know it’s not going to be real but with Eleanor’s contract ending soon plus the Larry… shippers are causing more up roar across the fandom. We need to put them in line again.”
“Yeah like you do that well,” Louis thought, rolling his eyes. He looked across the Eleanor pleading to her with his eyes. She fidgeted in her seat meeting his eyes and then looking down, pretending to look at her nails.
Louis looked back to Harry; he now had tears in his eyes. Louis’ eyes teared up as well, “All I do it cause him pain.” He thought. He looked back to Dave; he was done playing this game. “No.”
“If you don’t then well we would hate to see you go…” Dave pressed, crossing his arms across his chest and smiled.
Louis gasped. He is not black mailing me with kicking me out of One Direction. He thought..
“Dave…” Eleanor said speaking for the first time turning to the man beside her. “Can we please not do this? I’m… I’m done with this. Maybe it is time to let Larry free….”
Dave looked to Eleanor disbelief in his eyes, “Absolutely not!!”
“Louis?” Lou called, snapping him out of his daydream. He looked up at her causing her to laugh. “You look like you were a billion miles away.”
Louis nodded sadly, “I was.”
“Well can you go and find Liam? Tell him it’s his turn… well get Zayn too.”
Louis hopped out of the chair going to find Zayn and Liam.
—
“Thank you Miami!! You’ve been an absolutely amazing crowd and we’re so excited to be in America again! We’ll see you soon again!” Harry yelled into his mic as he and the rest of the lads fell down into their trap doors.
Louis laughed, that was always his favorite part. Falling through the door almost made him feel alive again as the adrenaline from the concert and falling ran through his veins. “Tomlinson!” A stage crew yelled at him, “Are you moving anytime soon? We would all like to clean up and go to bed.”
“Oh sorry,” Louis said getting up and crawling his way back to where the stage ended. He straightened his back and walked to the other boys they were all patting each other on the backs praising each other. They all turned to Louis as he came up to them. “Good job, Louis.” Niall said, hugging him briefly and walked away with his head down, as most as if he was crying.
Louis looked questionably to Liam and Zayn but they were already walking away. Louis then turned to Harry. “What’s going on?”
“Let me see your arm,” Harry said blankly.
“What why-?” Louis began turning away but Harry was too fast he grabbed Louis’ arm and rolled up the sleeve gasping at the scars and fresh cuts. He looked up to Louis tears in his eyes.
“Why didn’t you tell me?” Harry asked, releasing Louis arm as if it was poison.
Louis rolled down the sleeve, “I… I only did it once or twice… I didn’t think it was a big deal… I was going to tell you.” Louis stammered avoiding his question.
“When!?!” Harry yelled throwing his arms up. “I’m just hurt you couldn’t tell me. I knew you were acting weird but I thought you were going to ask me to marry you or something. I didn’t know you were cutting!!”
“I don’t know what you want me to say…” Louis said, tears in his eyes.
“I want to know why.” Harry breathed.
Louis’ legs buckled and he crashed to the ground, Harry rushing to catch him. “Boo?” Was all Louis heard before the world went black.
—-
“He lost a lot of blood, Harry. And you asking him made him go into shock.” An unknown voice said.
Silence and then.
“Will… will he be okay?” Harry whispered. Louis could tell Harry had been crying and Louis wanted to go and confront his boyfriend but his body wouldn’t respond to him.
“He should be awake by tomorrow.” He doctored replied.
“And if he’s not?” Harry asked.
“Then take him to the hospital. But I highly doubt that will happen.”
Harry nodded; he went to the door and opened it for the doctor. After he was gone he slowly made his way to the bed and laid down taking Louis’ hand in his. “I love you Boo.” He sobbed, letting the tears go. Now that he was alone he could sob and not get pity from the other band members.
“I love you too,” Louis wanted to say. But he couldn’t get his voice to speak.
“Please don’t leave me.” Harry continued to say. “We can work this out. I can help you. We’ll leave the band. Please Louis. You’re more important to me.”
Oh Harry. Louis thought. Don’t give up your dream for me. I’m not worth it. And you know it.
Harry didn’t say anything after that, his sobs turned into silence and silenced turned into sleep. While Louis stayed in his semi conciseness just thinking.
At first Modest wanted Harry to be the one to have a fake girlfriend but Louis didn’t want that for Harry. So he spoke up, saying he was more qualified to be Eleanor’s “boyfriend” since he had a little acting experience. When the truth was that he didn’t want Harry have to deal going through what he was going through. And Modest had agreed that Harry didn’t need a fake girlfriend as long as Louis kept up with Eleanor. He tried to protect Harry and failed. Modest had made Harry look like a manwhore without a second thought.
I know what I must do. He thought. But later after I’ve gotten more sleep…
—
Louis rolled over his body, finally, obeying him command and for once he woke up in an excellent mood. He yawned as he reached over feeling for Harry but the bed was empty… and cold. He propped up his head and looked over the room. Everything was quiet. Louis looked to the nightstand “6:49 PM” no wonder he thought. They had an interview with Jimmy Kimmel, via Skype, wait why didn’t Harry wake me up…. And then the images of the night or night before last, he didn’t know, crept up on him. How Harry had found out about his cutting and the conservation he overheard in his sleep, which he still didn’t know if he dreamed about all that, then he remembered the memory flash backs. And then his great mood vanished just fast at it appeared.
I am so stupid. How long do you think you could hide from Harry? He said out loud to himself as he threw off the covers and made his way over to the dresser that held their muted TV showing awful American daytime television. He opened a draw looking for a new shirt. He picked up a random one and stripped putting the new shirt on when a note on the dresser caught his eye. He reached over picking it up scanning the note.
“Boo,
I’m sorry I had to leave you but Modest is being a royal pain in my butt, what else is new, and wouldn’t let me stay with you. They said that would be too “suspicion” if we both stayed. Text me when you wake up so I know you’re okay, please. We’ll talk later. I love you so much.
- Hazza xxx”
Louis’ eyes pricked with tears, Harry was so good to him. Why can’t I return the favour? He thought. He shook his head, as he finished putting the new shirt on. And walked into the bathroom, pulling his hands on the counter, taking deep breaths one… two… three. Okay Tomlinson. You need to relax. He took out his travel bag and searched for the one thing he knew was going to help him relax. He felt a cool surface and clutched the blade in his hand. He went to cut but stopped. He looked out to the balcony, and walked out there. Sitting down on one of the chair, his back to the door, preparing himself for the cut.
BANG. “Louis?!!?!?”
Louis cursed and jumped up, throwing the blade to the side. He whipped around as Harry collided with him with a bear hug. “Oh baby. You never texted me. I… I almost had Eleanor come up and check up on you.”
“I only woke up a few minutes ago,” Louis breathed as he wrapped his arms around Harry’s torso, bringing him closer to his body, breathing him in.
Harry pulled back, tilting Louis’ head up so they were looking at each other. “Do you feel better?”
Louis nodded; his body did feel better but it was his mind that was still in overdrive all he really needed was a nice deep cut or two but that was not an option with Harry here. “I feel a little better.”
Harry crooked an eyebrow, sitting them both down in chairs opposite each other.
Louis looked around, his eyes looking everywhere but at Harry. “Harry should we do this out here?” He motioned to the balcony and the clear view from the streets.
Harry rolled his eyes. “I don’t care, Boo. Not anymore. Modest can kick me out.”
Louis jumped up, suddenly not caring either. “Harry, do not ruin your career for me! I am not worth it!”
Harry jumped up too. His earlier concern was now anger. “You’re worth everything! My life was a mess before you came into it! Sure we’ve had some hard times but it’s all worth it!”
Louis shook his head; he rolled up his sleeve pointing to his cuts. “Even this?” He asked his voice as sour as venom. Harry looked down at Louis’ arm. He had never seen Louis’ entire arm. There were so many different scars and new cuts. You had small to large white scars running down the whole length of his arm, but the newer ones were the ones that scarred Harry the most. They were deep and ugly. And dried blood was caked onto his arm. You couldn’t even make out any of his tattoos anymore. That’s what worried Harry the most. It was like Louis wouldn’t stop until his skin was shredded.
Seeing the look on Harry’s face was, to Louis, the icing on the cake. To him it was a done deal. He knew want he needed to do and he needed to do it fast.
“Harry why don’t we go inside?” Louis said, pushing down his sleeve.
Harry nodded, following Louis inside. He looked back to his boyfriend. “I’ll be right back; I need to use the toilet.”
Louis nodded, sitting down on the bed.
Harry calmly walked into the bathroom and closed the door. That is when he lost it. He sank to the floor and sobbed. He took out his phone and texted Liam saying they had to do something and quick to help Louis. Liam instantly replied saying he would start calling around for a counselor or someone who dealed with grieve. Harry shook his head, saying that the only way to get this under control was for him to drop out of the band. Liam took a while to reply but said that he and the three other boys talked it out and if this is what One Direction had come to they didn’t want to be in it either. One Direction was going to break up, seeing Louis and Harry this broken wasn’t what they signed up for. Harry texted him back saying they were all amazing. He got up and went out to tell Louis the news. But Louis was already sleeping on the bed.
I’ll just tell him tomorrow, Harry thought and laid down next to Louis, quickly falling asleep with a smile on his face for the first time in a long time.
Louis thanked his years in theater, as he heard Harry’s breaths even out. He slowly got up and crawled off the bed. He had his way over to the dresser, he quietly opened a drawer and took out the note he wrote. He placed it on the dresser, and then quickly slipped through the glass door. He looked for his blade and found it in the far corner. He grabbed at it and walked back to the chair he was sitting on earlier and pressed the blade to his skin.
All you do is cause pain.
Slice.
How could Harry even date you?
Slice.
Let alone love you?
Slice.
He’s probably dating you out of pity.
Slice.
You don’t deserve Harry.
Slice.
You don’t deserve anyone.
Slice. Louis should have stopped he knew that, but he didn’t. He deserved all this.
You’re worthless.
Slice.
None one will miss you.
Slice.
One more, he thought. One deeper one should be enough.
You should just kill yourself.
Louis then stopped cutting and watched as the blood spilled out of his various cuts and smiled. He tilted his head back and laughed. The hush it felt good. Louis looked forward again and then down over the ledge. “Maybe…” He thought. He turned around and grabbed a chair and pulled it to the railing. He took a step on the chair and then on the railing. And just looked down watching the cars as they raced through the square. He let the rush of the cut fade and then the emptiness seeped in again and tears began to run down his face.
“I love you so much Harry,” Louis said tears rushing down his face as he looked down to the busy square below. He put out his hand and dropped the bloody blade watching as it fell fourteen stories below. “I hope you can find someone who can give you everything I couldn’t. I wish I could stay and watch that happen but the pain is too much to bear anymore.” Louis took one last glance behind him, seeing the silhouette of Harry’s sleeping figure in their bed. “I love you.” He whispered. He looked back taking one last deep breath, closed his eyes and jumped. He met the ground below with a sickening crack.
—
Harry woke up to a knock on the door; he slowly got up taking note of how Louis wasn’t in the bed he looked over at the clock. 4 am? He stopped, where is Louis? He thought, a sickening feeling coming over him. He almost went out to the balcony to see if he was out there but the knocking was getting annoying. He stalked over and opened the door. “Yes?” He asked, not registering it was two policemen at the door.
“Are you Harry Styles?” The taller police officer asked.
Harry gulped, nodding. His earlier sickening feeling was now pure terror.
The police offer nodded. “We’re sorry but Louis-”
“No.” Harry gasped.
“Harry you need to remain calm and come with us. We need you to identify his body.” The officer said.
Harry looked back into the hotel room, looking at his mountain of dirty cloths and how his shoes were everywhere. No. He didn’t believe it, wouldn’t believe it. He then looked to the dresser, seeing a piece of paper. That wasn’t there when I went to bed. He looked back to the officers. “I’ll be right now.” And closed the doors in their faces.
—
“Harry Styles?” A male doctor asked.
“That’s me,” Harry said looking up at the doctor, tears still running down his face.
The doctor nodded, he looked to the rest of the band. “You’ll all have to stay here.”
Harry looked to the lads, “I’ll be right back, then.” He whispered, he could barely talk. They all nodded and watched as Harry and the doctor when into the morgue.
Harry slowly walked up to the window, as the doctor on the other side of the glass, pulled back the cloth of the body. Harry gasped and started sobbing again.
“Is that him, Mr. Styles?” The doctor said.
Harry nodded, unable to speak or take his eyes off the body of Louis. His face was barely recognizable. His nose was broken and swollen. There were dashes and cuts everywhere.
Harry saw the doctor nod to the doctor behind the glass. The doctor behind the glass slowly put the cloth back over Louis’ body.
Harry didn’t remember but after that. All he really remembered was somehow walking back to the lads and then just losing it. Liam had caught him, and cried with him. Niall and Zayn finally joined them, all grieving over the loss of their band mate.
BBC Breaking News, flashed a crossed the screen. Harry adverted his eyes, know what was coming next.
“Today we are sad to say that the rumour of boybander Louis Tomlinson’s suicide is true. Louis had been dealing with depression and self-harm for months.” The announcer took a gulp and continued. “The Tomlinson family would like to have this time to grieve and recover from this tragic accident, they ask for their privacy but want to thank the fans for their kind words about Louis.”
Harry roughly took the remote and turned off the TV. He flipped over, reaching for his bottle of vodka. He took a swing before throwing the empty glass across the room, missing the trash can by a foot. Harry looked at all the shattered glass, from all previous bottles, wondering how many more bottles he would have to drain before this pain went away, if at all.
—
“Lou, why did you do it?” Harry sobbed. He was in front of Louis’ tombstone. He ran his hand over the engravings as tears rolled down his face. “I’m so alone without you. Baby please. Come back.”
Louis slowly and quietly walked up to Louis, a sad smile on his face. “I’m here.”
Harry quickly looked up, his tears instantly stopped. “Lou?”
Louis smiled and nodded. “Hi Hazza.”
“Hi boo bear.”
At this Louis seemed to glow but then began to fade. Harry jumped up and took a step toward his fading figure. “Don’t leave me, again!” He sobbed.
Louis gave Harry a sad smile. “I’m so sorry Hazza. I just wanted to let you know I’m okay now. I’m not in pain…. But can you promise me something?”
“Anything for you, boo bear. You know that.” Harry whispered frantically. He could barely see Louis anymore.
“Remember what I told you.”
And then was gone.
—-
“Harry?” Came Liam’s voice; casting Harry out of his dream.
Harry shot up, looking wildly at Liam. “Where is he?”
Liam’s face softed. “Who Hazza?”
“Louis! He said-”
Liam shook his head and moved Harry’s legs so he was sitting on the couch next to him. “Harry, Louis died a week ago. You know that.”
Harry shook his head, “No I just-just talked to him…”
Liam gave Harry a confused look. “Harry you must have been dreaming.” He turned his head and motioned to all the shattered glass. “Did you have a party or something?”
Harry shook his head, turning his face away.
“Harry we’re all sad about Louis. And we all know you need your time. But it’s been a week. You need to go out… Move or something.” Liam whispered. “You’re worried about you.”
Harry shook his head. “You don’t understand, Liam. You still have Niall and Zayn. I have no one. All I have to remember him by is his suicide note.” Harry and Liam both fell silent after that. Harry hadn’t really told anyone what was in the note. Not even his mum.
“What was in the note, Harry?” Liam whispered.
Harry’s hand automatically went to his pocket. The note hadn’t left his body since the hotel.
Harry shook his head and glared at Liam. “You know where the door is.”
Harry got up and stalked into the bedroom, slamming the door behind him. He quickly locked the door before Liam came banging on the door. “Harry! Come out. Talk to me!”
Harry just rolled his eyes, and went to the bed, diving into it as the tears came again.
“You said I was your world. Well you’re my world too. What am I supposed to do now?”
—
“How did it go Liam?” Zayn asked, leaning against the side of the Larry house taking a drag of his cigarette.
“Not good.” Liam said defeated.
Zayn threw the cigarette on the ground and stomped on it, walking over to Liam. “Maybe I should take a swing at it, yeah?”
Liam looked to the dark haired boy. “You can try but he’s pretty bad. He’s locked up in their room now. And there’s glass all over the floor.” Liam shook his head. “He thinks he has no one. ‘You don’t understand, Liam. You still have Niall and Zayn. I have no one. All I have to remember him by is his suicide note.’ Liam mimicked Harry’s voice. “He thinks we don’t care.”
“We’ll just have to show him that we do care.” Zayn said, offering his hand.
Liam nodded, taking Zayn’s hand and walked back into the house.
—
Harry ended the phone call and threw the phone on the other side of the bed. Of course Joanna would want Harry to say something at the funeral. But what should I even say? He thought. He slowly reached into his pocket and took out Louis’ note. Skimming over the words in the note and then flipped over the note to the lyrics. Looking for inspiration or something.
“If you’re pretending from the start like this,” Harry sang. “With a tight grip then my kiss can mend your broken heart.”
He pushed the note away as he roughly got out of the bed and walked to the window pulling back the drapes as he played the other lyrics in his head. “What do they even mean?” Harry thought. He saw Liam and Zayn walking toward the house again with their hands intertwined. His eyes filled up with hot tears as his chest filled with annoyance and longing. It had only been a week since his death but it felt like an eternity. And if a week felt like an eternity what would 70 years? Harry didn’t even want to think about that. He let go of the drapes and walked into their walk in closet. He slowly ran his fingers over Louis’ clothing. He knew he should probably put them in storage or something but at the moment he just couldn’t. He slide down the wall as Liam and Zayn start pounding at the door. He looked over Louis’ shoes, he had so many TOMs that Harry couldn’t help but smile. He reached out to the closest shoe to him. Louis’ favorite. White with blue stripes. Harry heard a small thump inside the shoe as he picked it up. “What the hell?” He thought. He reached in and pulled out a small packet. He cocked his head as he read the packet.
“Magic Dust. Makes all your wishes come true.”
Harry huffed as he flipped the packet over. “To Hazza – I saw you check this out when we were in America. I hope you like it and that all your wishes come true. And happy birthday! Love, Boo.”
Harry cocked his head even more. Is it seriously my birthday? He took out his phone and checked the date. “February ninth.” Harry gasped. He was 20 now. And he didn’t even know what to do. He slowly got up taking the packet with him. He walked back into their room, a plan forming in his mind. It was a long shot but it was worth a try.
—
“There’s so much to say about Louis,” Harry whispered into the microphone and stopped. It was the day of the funeral and Harry hadn’t been able to write a single decent speech. Granted his mind was preoccupied with his little plan he had planned for after the funeral but he always said he would write it later. And look at him now in front of all of Louis’ family and friends and still he had nothing.
Harry looked to the first row, looking for inspiration. He saw all of Louis’ family; his four sisters, Joanna, Joanna’s fiancé, and Louis’ adoptive dad. Joanna looked up to him, tears in her eyes and nodded. She knew to that he couldn’t say anything, that he was too weak. But Harry looked to the second row, seeing all the lads. Their eyes burned up to him, hoping he would cave and read out the note. Harry looked down to his feet, Louis’ suicide note suddenly burning a hole in his pocket. He hadn’t shown anyone the lyrics or note Louis had written to him, but he always kept it with him. Those were Louis’ last thoughts, and Harry couldn’t help but feel it was his fault Louis did this to himself even if Louis, in the note, had told him it wasn’t. Harry shook his head, and looked up. “Louis was an amazing person. That’s why so many people loved him and wanted to be his friend. If you were down he was the one who could put a smile on anyone’s face. And I wish I could have returned the favour for him.” Harry felt the tears start to roll down his face. “I also wish Louis would have… not ended his life until Liam, Niall, Zayn and I had told him the news we had to tell him. That we would all have disbanded as One Direction so Louis and I could come out as a couple. But now that’s too late.” There were a few gasps but Harry ignored them and continued. “I’m always going to miss Louis. The way he smiled and the way he laughed. But most of all, I’m going to miss my best friend and love of my life.” Harry choked out the last part. Not even sure if he should have included it, but he walked down the steps and went back to his sit next to Liam.
Liam leaned over. “You okay?”
Harry nodded, wiping away the tears. He looked over at Liam. “I’ll be fine.”
Liam gave him a look but didn’t comment. He turned his attention back to the pastor.
The funeral wrapped up soon after and everyone made their way outside, or well the four season room at the front since they couldn’t go outside because of all the crying fan girls and paparazzi.
The Tomlinsons made their way over to Harry he looked as his shoes as Joanna greeted him and pulled him for a hug. “If you need anything, please don’t hesitant to call.” Joanna sniffled, giving Harry a motherly hug.
Harry nodded, giving Joanna a squeeze before they pulled away.
Harry stayed in the corner of the room; he gave everyone hugs, handshakes and even cracked a smile when one of his family members told a good memory of Lou.
But then a certain brunette came up to him. “Harry?”
Harry’s smile was wiped completely off his face when he turned his attention to Eleanor.
“Harry I know I’m probably the last person you want to see but I wanted to tell you I’m sorry. I’m sorry for not fighting hard enough against Modest to let you and Harry go public. And it’s my fault he’s gone… and I can’t say sorry enough.”
Harry’s smirk faded. She was in the same boat as he was. She blamed herself for what happened to Louis. Harry went and pulled her in for a hug. She stiffened at first but then her body relaxed and then began shake with sobs. “I’m so sorry,” she repeated over and over.
“Shh,” Harry repeated trying to confront the poor girl. “It’s no one’s fault.”
Finally Eleanor’s sobs quieted. She quickly pulled back and smoothed out her hair.
Harry quickly looked around; most of the people had left. “Well I’ll see you around?” He said, quickly looking for an excuse to leave.
Eleanor seemed to pick up on this and nodded. “Yeah.”
Harry nodded and turned to leave but her voice stopped him. “And Harry? I know we weren’t close or anything but I’m here for you.”
Harry’s heart fluttered. She was the only one who had said that to him. “Thank you.” He whispered.
She smiled and turned around walking out the back door.
—
Harry finished reading the lyrics and turned the paper over reading the note one last time.
Dear Harry,
I hope you know how much you mean to me. You’re my world. I would do absolutely anything for you, and you need to understand that. I never believed in fate or even soul mates for that matter. But then you came along and changed everything in my life, for the better. You deserve the world, and I would have loved to have been able to give that to you but I wasn’t strong enough. And I’m sorry for that. Know that what I’m doing is not because of you. It’s because of me. I’ll never forget you or us. You’re my once in a lifetime love. I love you, Hazza.
Yours Forever,
Louis
Harry’s eyes burned with tears as threw the note on the table. He then picked up the pack of “Magic Dust” and ripped open the packet. He closed his eyes as he poured the dust over the note. “So can we do it all over again?” He whispered over and over again. He was so focused on the lyrics Louis had written he jumped when the window banged open. His eyes flew open, and he ran to the window closing the window and locking it. He looked out, the window there was a storm coming and coming fast. He looked over at his shoulder to the table; the wind had blown the dust all over the place. Over the table, the floor and over the shoes by the door.
Harry knew he should clean up the mess but it was already 12 and it had been a long day all he wanted to do was sleep. He slowly treaded toward the bedroom, taking some dust with him as he went, and threw himself on the bed. He was out before his head hit the pillow.
—
Harry heard a sobbing. Loud sobbing. Wait, who would be sobbing? Wasn’t he alone in the flat? Harry bolted up in bed, he looked around. The room looked different… the room didn’t even look like his and Louis’ room. It looked like the hotel room. Wait did that mean?
Harry didn’t ponder on the question. He jumped off the bed and raced to the sliding door. He stepped through the opening to see the back of Louis.
Harry didn’t have time to think. He crossed the baloney in three steps and quite violently pulled Louis down.
Louis was so startled he couldn’t even fight Harry; they landed on the floor of the baloney.
Louis rolled over, tears still in his eyes. “Hazza?”
Harry nodded. “I’m here Lou.”
—-
“H-H-Harry?” Louis slurred, his eyes were huge and his breathing jagged. He tried getting off Harry but Harry tightened his grip on the smaller boy, he physically wasn’t ready to let go of Louis.
The tears Harry had been holding back for the past weeks came to the surface when he heard Louis’ voice. Harry let out a choked noise and just let the sobs overcome him. Harry hid his face in the crock of Louis’ neck just taking him in. It felt good to be in his arms again. Harry would never take just holding Louis for granted again. “Why did you do it, Louis?” Harry choked out, after they had laid there for a while and after Harry’s sobs subsided a bit. “Did you even stop to think about what you dying did you me!?” His anger of the past weeks boiled to the surface. He violently pushed Louis off him and stalked to the balcony.
“Hazza?” Louis questioned, coming up to stand next to Harry, his hand stopping in midair not sure if he should touch Harry or not.
Harry didn’t turn; his emotions were all over the place.
“What did you mean about me… dying?” Louis whispered, gently touching the younger boys’ arm.
Harry took a shaky breath, shaking his head. “You wouldn’t believe me.” His voice barely audible.
Louis cocked his eyebrow. “Try me.”
Harry looked to Louis, finally. And nodded. He took his boyfriend’s hand and they sat down on the patio furniture, and Harry told him the whole story.
—
Louis didn’t meet his eyes when Harry finished his story he got up and made his way over to the balcony. Harry followed and leaned heavily on the ledge.
“Say something,” Harry whispered, rubbing his eyes.
“I… I don’t know what to say…” Louis muttered. “I just… I can’t believe that happened to you. The pain… I can’t.” He choked out. Harry reached over and collected Louis in his arms again, letting the younger boy cry. He gently drew circles on Louis’ back. “I just thought it would be easier than… than living.” He whispered. “But now… I’m glad you saved me. If… if this would have been you… I can’t even think about losing you.” He looked over Harry and gave him a sad smile.
“You’ll never have to lose me.” Harry whispered rocking them back and forth and then kissed the top of Louis’ head. “You’re stuck with me.”
Louis gave a choked laughed. “I wouldn’t want it any other way.”
~One Year Later~
“I’m just so nervous,” Louis said, tugging on his suit’s collar.
Liam rolled his eyes again, trying to straighten his tie. “You’ll be fine, Lou.”
“But Liam-”
“No buts. This is your wedding day. If Harry didn’t love you he wouldn’t have said yes when you asked him to marry him, would he?” Liam asked matter of factly.
Louis sighed, “I guess not.”
After Louis’ attempted he and Harry both finished out the tour but then went into a hiatus. Barely leaving their house, Louis refusing to go out with Eleanor (which did resulted the breakup of Elounor) and just enjoyed their time together as a couple and that’s when all the members of One Direction decided they all couldn’t handle being with Modest anymore, especially after what Louis tried. They had been meeting with a lawyer for the past year trying to find some kind of loop hole with their contract, they all refused to deal with Modest another year. It was a slow process but the lawyer said it could be any day now they could be free from M!M.
Louis looked to the mirror, taking himself in. His feathery hair was swept to the side on his signature fringe, Harry’s favorite. His face was tanned and his eyes were finally full of life and happiness not death and coldness. Thanks to Harry, his family and the lads his life was at the highest it has ever been but he was still self-conscious of one thing. His scars. He pulled his sleeve down even more, more out of habit that anything. Liam made a tsking noise and walked over to him. “Louis stop. You’re fine.”
Louis nodded. “Habit, I promise.”
—
Harry paced his room; he looked at the clock again, it was almost noon which meant the wedding was going to start any second. Breathe Styles, he muttered to himself. Harry was rounding another lap around his room before a blond Irishman opened the door. “Ready lad?”
Harry stopped pacing and breathed. “I-I think so.”
Niall chuckled and nodded. “That’s the spirit!”
—
“And I now pronounce you husband and husband. Louis? You may now kiss your groom.” The minster grinned.
Louis looked back to Harry, the biggest goofist smile on his face. He quickly leaned in and kissed Harry on the lips for a quick kiss and pulled back. He ran his hand down Harry’s check. “I love you, Hazza. More than you know.”
Harry returned his smile and nodded. “I think I do.”
After that they were pulled into hugs from their families. Jay pulled Louis in kissing his face, and reached over pulling Harry in for a kiss and hug before Anne did the same only she pulled them both in for a hug and kissed their hair. Next came, Lottie, Fizzy, Phoebe and Daisy all hugging their brother and then Harry congratulating them. And then all their family, including the lads, Gemma closing up the rear and she was crying.
“Gem?” Harry asked, concern filling his features. Other than their mums no one else was crying. Just a lot of smiles and hugs. Gemma waved him off; she collected Louis into her arms and whispered into his ear. Louis laughed and nodded, kissing her cheek before she walked into the reception room.
Harry cocked his eyebrow and crossed his arms. “What was that?”
Louis blushed. “She just told me if we wanted kids she’s more than willing to help, since you know we have been kinda talking about that….. And that she’s happy for us… to finally be together and happy.”
Harry smiled, and wrapped his arms around his husband’s tiny waist pulling him in. “I’m happy for us too.”
Louis giggled, reaching up on his toes and kissed his nose. “Want to go dance and smash cake into each other’s faces?”
Harry laughed, “I would be happy too.”
The rest of the reception went well. They smashed cake into each other’s faces, and everyone danced the night away. But Harry’s favorite part was when they had their first dance. “You’ll love this.” Louis whispered into his ear.
Harry cocked his eyebrow. “What?” He whispered, as his husband gave a mysterious grin and shook his head. Louis looked over to the DJ and nodded.
Louis began moving as the opening of their duet “Over Again” began playing. Tears instantly began to full with tears. Louis smiled, whipping a tear away. “This is our song, Hazza.”
Harry nodded, no words were needed. This was the very song Louis had written when he was going through everything; the words were so raw and true. Harry leaned down quickly kissing Louis’ forehead before putting their foreheads together and they danced until the rest of the word faded away. And they lived happily after that, forever.