Chapter Text
Ilya was not okay. Something was going on, Marlow was sure.
The last few weeks has been hell. Ilya was making them come to practice at 6 am sharp. If anyone was late it was drills and more drills. Everyone was constantly tired. No one knew why though, because if you dared to question the reasoning behind Ilya’s foul mood he got so angry you would rather just take early morning practices.
But Marlow was over being scared and not asking questions, because Ilya’s mood stopped being just a bad mood and started to look like it was eating Ilya from within. An injury was just a matter of time. It was clear Ilya was not taking care of himself. He was not eating or sleeping or resting for that matter. Marlow was scared for his best friend.
He knew about Jane, or at least of Jane and he was almost sure Ilya’s current state had something to do with her. No one knew who she was, Ilya was very secretive about her. Everyone knew Ilya as a playboy, someone who fucks anyone with a pulse and moves on, but Marlow was not everyone else, he was one of Ilya’s best friends. He knew Ilya was talking with this Jane for years. The kid was glowing whenever he got a text from her after games, especially with games against Montreal, he would immediatly go to check his phone and would refuse to accept anyone even suggesting a blush on his cheecks. Right now though he was suffering and Marlow was acutely aware of the absence of Jane. There were no more secret phone checks or small hidden smiles between practices. Ilya was just barely surviving and it was starting to become obvious. He had to do something, he couldn’t just watch his best friend melt infront of his eyes.
***
It was after a game against Buffalo and they were at their usual bar in Boston. Home games were always better when you were the one winning and you could just get wasted and return home. Today was different though. They were having a hard time at convincing Ilya to come with them. They won three to one and it obviously called for a celebration, they needed to go out. This was weird because normally it would be Ilya encouraging everyone to go out. Ttoday he seemed like he just wanted to go home. After 10 minutes finally Marlow just clapped his shoulder and said;
“Roz, you are coming with us. We just won by two, we have to go out there and drink, come on.”
Marlow knew public persuasion always worked on Ilya and he couldn’t back down from team outings so it finally worked. Now though, he was regretting his life choices. Ilya was not talking or looking at anyone. He was just drinking his vodka, one after the other, looking only at his cup and occasionally checking his phone like he was waiting for a miracle.
Marlow nudged Connors with his foot and pointed at the direction of, or the general vicinity of Ilya, with his head. Connors looked back at him and asked “what are we supposed to do?” with his eyes. While Marlow and Connors were having a silent conversation, their attention broke with the sound of sniffing. Both of their heads snapped towards Ilya, who was CRYING?
Marlow heard Ilya mumble something under his breath.
“What is it buddy? What did you say?”
“ I can’t do this anymore” sniff.
Marlow and Connors looked at each other with concern.
“What can’t you do anymore Roz?” asked Connors.
“блят… i miss him” Ilya mumbled.
Him? Who is him? Marlow was going crazy.
“Who? Who is him buddy?”
“My Jane” Ilya’s head hit the bar with a heavy thud. Ilya’s phone fell from his hand to the shitty bar floor. The screen was open to a text thread, with JANE?
Marlow picked up the phone, he knew he shouldn’t do it but his logic has left his brain three beers ago, and he looked at the text thread. He slowly went up and scanned it with his eyes. It went back years and holy shit it was intimate as fuck. There were so many sexts and chirps. Whoever was this girl (girl?) she truly matched Ilya’s freak. There were so many missing chunks and photos but even this way you could see they were down bad for each other. The last text was from november. It was Ilya sending his home adress and Jane saying I am here. Whatever happened after that had to be the reason for this mess. Marlow looked up at Connors.
“What the fuck are we supposed to do now?” He said.
Connors was a bit more aware of his surroundings and still having some logic left in his brain so he said,
“Take the number. If we cant manage to fix this bullshit in a few days we are texting her.” Marlow’s eyes bulged. Yes he was intrigued but he also didn’t have a death wish.
“What? We cant do that, Roz would kill us?”
“If he doesn’t kill himself first. Look i am not over begging ok? Whatever happened i am mostly sure its Cap’s fault, so we should just beg this Jane so she takes our captain back. He would be happy and our suffering would end.”
Marlow was not sure but he decided he should just take the number. What was the worst thing that could happen, right?
***
They tried to hold Ilya by the arms so they could bring him back to his house. It was obvious there was no more drinking happening today if they wanted Ilya to have functioning kidneys by the end of this night.
Marlow opened the door to Ilya’s house with his spare key. Being a hockey player he knew not to expect a spotless house, or even an organized one for that matter, but he was not expecting this much of a mess either. Ilya was generally one of the more clean and organized players of the team. He got his shit together and became more attentive to the cleanliness of his house couple years back.
So seeing his house in this state was a shock. There were beer bottles everywhere in the living room. A single pillow discarded on the couch with a bunched up blanket. It was clear that Ilya was not sleeping in his room, or not sleeping. The kitchen was not in a better state either. There were dishes stacked in the sink, empty vodka bottles on the counter and so much take out boxes piling and overflowing from the trash can.
Marlow and Connors tried to take Ilya to his room just so they could have him away from the mess. Maybe they could deal with it a bit easier if he was not around. After about twı steps Ilya must became aware of the direction they were taking and decided he was not going to the bedroom. He just dropped himself to the ground and let his tears spill silently.
Marlow decided he could deal with the mess later and he should just be with Ilya for now. He sat down next to Ilya and gestured for Connor to do the same. Ilya had his head on his knees. He was silently crying and his shoulders were slowly shaking. Marlow was not sure what to do, he never saw this side of Ilya before. He slowly reached to Ilya’s back and held his hand there as if to communicate his support without words.
After a few minutes Ilya finally stopped crying and lifted his head. His eyes were looking empty. He stared at nothing for a few seconds and finally spoke for the first time since they came home.
“I am so tired.”
Marlow decided talking right now was useless.
“Thats okay buddy, lets get you to bed. You should sleep.”
Ilya shook his head. He was adamant about not entering his bedroom. Marlow added that info to his brain for a mystery to be solved later. Now his mission was to get Ilya to sleep.
They finally managed to get Ilya on the couch. They didnt need to do much persuading for him to sleep since he was drunk enough to drift off in a couple minutes on his own.
With Ilya asleep, the question of “what the fuck is happening to him?” became much more apparent. They decided to clean up the house a bit. Atleast get rid of the trash and turn on the dishwasher. Talking in whispers as not to disturb Ilya, Connors leaned towards Marlow.
“He is way worse than ı was expecting. We have to do something, intervene, anything. This can’t be healty.” Marlow threw his hands and said,
“What exactly are you suggesting? Because if i know Roz even a little bit, i am sure he will refuse any help and say he is fine.”
“He can’t say that after what we witnessed today. That will make him confess to his problems. It must, somehow.”
“I dont know men, ı guess we will have to force it out of him.
Connors slowly turned towards Marlow.
“You think we should just text Jane now? Maybe she could help?”
“No, not yet.”
They went to sleep on either side of Ilya on the couch. Going and sleeping in a guest room didn’t look like a good idea in that moment.
***
The next morning Marlow woke up to Ilya kicking his leg. He was in a state of half awake and half assleep. He looked up to find Ilya staring at him.
“Who asked you to clean my house?”
Marlow lifted himself up so he could sit. He was confused for a second as to where he was, then he remembered the events of last night. Ilya was mad because they cleaned up the trash he was living in? At that moment he heard Connors waking up slowly. Ilya, now staring at the two of them, looked annoyed.
“I said who asked you to clean my house? You guys think i can’t care of myself or something?” Oh Ilya was mad.
“No one said that.” Said Marlow
“Then why did you?”
“Roz-”
“Acting as if i need supervision, like i am a child or something.”
“You misunderstoo-“
“I can take care of myself!”
“Maybe you can’t” said Connors.
“I SAID I CAN TAKE CARE OF MYSELF.”
Ilya yelling took them by suprise. Even Ilya seemed like he wasnt expecting to yell, he was just trying to stop them from helping him.
In that moment Marlow saw the 19 year old rookie he met when he first joined the team, in Ilya’s eyes. Scared and afraid of everything but trying to hide behind being the scary one in every room he was in.
Ilya walked out of the living room, ten seconds later they heard the front door slam closed.
Marlow turned towards Connors, before he could open his mouth Connors spoke.
“We can’t help him if he keeps pushing us away. I know he is our friend and our captain but he cant keep acting like we dont know him or as if we are the enemy. Hell i dont know who is the enemy he has in mind.” Connors dropped himself to the couch.
“Maybe ı should go with him?” Said Marlow.
“Where exactly?”
“I don’t know dude, but he left he might need help.”
“He walked out of his own house, Marly. He knows where he is.”
“But he is drunk.”
“Hungover.”
Eventually they decided to wait until Ilya came back. It was about 20 minutes later when they heard the front door open, which indicated Ilya was back. Ilya walked into he living room with a pack of cigarretes in his hand.
He walked towards the kitchen without looking at the two men still sitting in his living room couch. He held the edge of the kitchen counter and dropped his head forward. With his back towards the living room he finally talked.
“I am sorry.”
“For what?” asked Connors sounding hurt more than angry.
“Yelling.”
The silence was loud and screaming between the three men. Ilya finally turned towards them but still not looking into their eyes.
“You guys should leave.”
“No-“
“I don’t wanna hurt you guys anymore than i allready have, just leave. Please.”
Marlow was about to object Ilya and say they couldn’t just leave him be. Connors put his hand on his shoulder and pointed towards the door. Silently saying we should leave for now.
Marlow looked between Ilya, Connors and the door. Ilya was still looking at the floor. It was obvious Ilya was not open to any conversation happening right now. Marlow nodded with his head and silently walked towards the door with Connors on his heel. Right before he was about to leave he turned towards the living room. Ilya being out of his view gave him the courage to speak for once again.
“Roz, this isn’t over, okay. We have to talk about this, at some point, preferably before it destroys you.” And at last they left.
***
Ilya could feel his head pounding. He couldn’t remember much of yesterday other than drinking non stop. Seeing Marlow and Connors sleeping next to him on the couch, as if they were standing guard over him, made him feel angry. He was not a danger to himself. He was surviving. He was still alive.
Right now after they left, Ilya felt too heavy. He couldnt even walk over to the couch. He just sat next to the kitchen island. Lit the cigarette he just bought, even though he promised himself just two months ago he was gonna quit.
Now it felt all meaningless. He didnt have the someone who he was gonna quit smoking for anymore. Why should he deprive himself with no reason.
He felt the tears on his cheeks. He hated this the most out of every other reaction. Anger he could manage, redirect it towards the gym, act like he was just frustrated about exercising. But crying, tears were actually proof he was sad over something. He couldnt even accept he was sad about this to himself, let alone tell someone else. He didnt wanna be weak. Before he even realised he was smoking, the first cigarette in between his fingers was finished. He picked up another one and lit it without much tought.
After a while he stood up, took something to drink from the fridge, went to the back patio to drink while smoking some more. He wasn’t sure when was the last time he ate but he didnt feel hunger anymore. He was past that at this point. Cigarettes, vodka and beers were the only things he consumed in the last 3 days, and before that he only ate some take out here and there. His body stopped giving him signals for needs. He felt empty and for some reason sad. He refused to acknowledge it. If Shane left him because of his feelings he didn’t deserve to feel them anymore.
Saying his name was too much, Ilya was too much. He knew that now, but it was too late. He already lost any resemblance of love he had in his hands. Not that he believed that Shane loved him or anything, no that was impossible. Shane was with his perfect girlfriend, in his perfect home, living his perfect life. He didn’t need Ilya anymore. Fuck, he was bad.
***
It was two days after Marlow and Connors taken Ilya from the bar and brought him back to his home. They had a 9am practice, it was the most usual part of their routine by now. Even Marlow stopped considering 9am practices early by this point, and that was saying something, Marlow hated waking up early.
Today though everyone was here except their Captain, Ilya. Marlow called him twice. Once at 8:50 when he couldn’t see him at the locker room, and once right before he went on to the ice at 9am. Ilya didn’t pick up his calls and now at 9:20 he was worried. Ilya would never be late to a practice without notifying someone. Most of the team was now chatting between themselves due to the absence of their Captain. Marlow decided to call Ilya once more and if that didn’t work he would take over the practice as Ilya’s Alternate.
He picked up his phone from the bench, lifted his head and that was the moment he saw Ilya walking in. He looked like shit and even that was an understatement. Ilya had very visible dark circles under his eyes, his normally so well kept curls were messy and oily. He looked like the last time he showered was three days ago, before they went to the bar to celebrate after their win agains Buffalo.
Ilya tried to get on the ice, tried because it was obvious his hand eye coordination was gone. He litteraly stumbled towards the rest of the team. He looked even worse up close but he was adamant about staying here. Marlow shared a looked with Connors that was filled with concern. He skated towards Ilya.
“Roz, do you want me to take over the practice for today?”
“No.” Marlow didn’t wanna push Ilya anymore than he allready did but he couldn’t just let him lead a practice in this state.
“Roz, just maybe it is better ıf i-“
“No, i am fine!” Marlow was taken a back but didn’t push anymore.
The practice started and they were split into two teams. While he was skating towards the puck, trying to take it away from another teammate he heard a loud crash from behind him. At first he didn’t look, because this was hockey being loud was part of this, but then he heard a commosion from the other side of the arena.
He looked towards his huddled up teammates and realised what had just happened.
Ilya was laying unconcious on the ice. He kneeled towards him.
“Get the coach!” He tried to see if Ilya was injured, checking his arms and legs.
“What the fuck happened?!” He yelled towards his teammates. Connors spoke up from behind him.
“He just collapsed, went down in seconds.”
“Fuck!”
The team doctor came and they put Ilya on the strecher. Coach was asking Marlow questions but he wasn’t sure he was hearing anything.
“MARLOW!” Coach yelled finally. Marlow looked up and he saw the worried look on the coaches face.
“When was the last time Rozanov ate something?
“I don’t know.”
“Was he sick, injured?”
“I don’t know! I last saw him two days ago and he was in a shit mood but I don’t know.
Coach left with the team doctor.
Rest of the team was now staring at Marlow, waiting for him to say something or give an instruction. He was deep in tought and worried sick for his best friend.
“Just keep practicing or whatever. Connors come with me.”
Connors must have understood what Marlow had in mind so just followed him towards the locker room without asking any question. Marlow was looking at his phone, trying to find something,
“Are we finally calling her?” asked Connors. Marlow just nodded, he was allready dialing the phone number and thinking of what he was going to say. What do you say to your best friends ex girlfriend, who most probably dumped him and tell her now that said best friend was suffering due to the break up. Would she even care that Ilya was suffering. What could Ilya had done that would be worth a break up?
While Marlow’s thoughts were racing in his mind he neard the click that indicated person he had called picked up the phone. He didn’t wait for the other person to speak and he just went in.
“Hi Jane. This is Cliff Marlow, from Boston Bears. I am Ilya’s teammate-“
And the person on the other end hang up the phone. Marlow looked at Connors, shocked.
“Why the fuck did she hang up for?” asked Marlow. He was about to redial and call again but Connors stopped him.
“Don’t call again.”
“Why the fuck not? Ilya is unconscious!”
“Because she obviously doesn’t wanna talk. Just text her. If she cares enough she will text back.”
“Okey!”
Marlow: Hey Jane! This is Cliff Marlow, i just wanted to call you and say Ilya is not doing good. He just collapsed in the middle of practice.
“Okay, i texted her now what?” asked Marlow. He was clearly irritated he even had to text and not just call Jane.
“We wait.”
At that moment Marlow’s phone buzed with an incoming text notification.
Jane (Ilya): What do you mean he collapsed?
Marlow:He has been in a shitty mood for the last couple weeks but he got worse over last week. He hasnt said anything but i am sure he hasn’t been sleeping or eating anything. So today at practice he just went down out of nowhere.
Marlow: I am worried Jane. I think he has been like this because you dumped him. I know my best friend, he might be an annoying asshole but deep down he is a good person.
Jane (Ilya): fuck!
Jane (Ilya): I didn’t dump him, we weren’t even dating. But that doesn’t matter right now.
Jane (Ilya): Can you tell me if we wakes up or something?
Marlow: Can’t you come to the arena or something? You can see him yourself!
Jane (Ilya): I am not in Boston, I am not even in the US right now. Can you please just update me?
Marlow: ok
Jane (Ilya): How bad is he?
Marlow: ı dont know yet, they just took him to the infirmary on a strecher. I just know they didn’t took him to a hospital so its not too bad ı guess
Jane (Ilya): thank god
Marlow was getting slightly calmer looked up from his phone. He gave it to Connors so he could read the text exchange.
“I am gonna go check on him, you keep my phone incase she texts something else.”
Marlow walked towards the back of the building where he knew Ilya must be. He found Ilya with an IV drip attached to his arm. He was still unconscious. Like this he looked so young. He was not a 6’3 muscular hockey player in that moment, he was just a kid. A kid who felt helpless and tired.
The team doctor stood up when he saw Marlow enter the room.
“He is severly dehydrated and malnourished. I put an IV drip on him, that will get some calories in him and hopefully some energy but he needs to actually eat.
Fuck Ilya, how can you do this to yourself? Marlow felt his eyes tear up, so he quickly left the room. He tried to collect himself, took some deep breaths and went back to the locker room.
“The doctor put an IV on him. He said he was severly dehydrated and malnourished. How can he do this?” Marlow told Connors, who was looking way more worried now.
“Do you want me to update her?”
“No, I’ll do it.”
Marlow: the team doctor put an IV drip on him. Apperently he was severely dehydrated and malnourished.
Jane (Ilya): oh my god
Jane (Ilya): did he wake up?
Marlow: no
Marlow: I dont know what happened between the two of you but ı am just so mad right now. What could he have done to deserve this? He is not a bad person you know
Jane (Ilya): we haven’t talked in months. I didn’t even know he cared about me
Marlow: ofcourse he fucking cares about you!
Marlow: how could you even question that?
Jane (Ilya): dont talk about thing you dont know about Marlow. You don’t know anything