Work Text:
Injured- again.
Eunho felt like he was going crazy.
His hyung was hurt again. He wanted to pull out his hair.
Why? Why did he always have to get hurt? Why him?
Why couldn’t he just be safe for once? Hadn’t he suffered enough?
It wasn’t Baekho- he didn’t have to worry about his arrogant and incredibly strong oldest brother. Baekho was rarely ever hurt, and even if it happened- and it wouldn’t happen- his body was powerful. He would heal fast, He was a powerful mythical tiger, not a vulnerable human.
It wasn’t Cheon Dongha either. No, his youngest (by years lived) older brother was mature and careful. He didn’t take risks unless it was completely unavoidable.
Eunho rarely had to worry about either of them.
No, there was only one hyung Eunho constantly worried about- and for very good reason. The one who acted recklessly. The one who was so bright and brilliant and incredibly kind, but saw himself as nothing more than a chess piece on the board. He treated himself as if his own pain and feelings were completely without worth.
Eunho worried about Jo Euishin every single day and days like this were exactly why.
He knew the exact day worrying about Euishin became a daily habit. He wished he had realized sooner.
It was that day.
That awful, horrible, terrible day.
The day he read that suicide note.
Eunho called it a suicide note, but he knew his hyung hadn’t planned suicide- but how was dying without telling anyone you were sick any better?
Did his friendship mean so little that his hyung wouldn’t even admit his pain to him? Was he not even worth a goodbye? Was he so unreliable that he wasn’t worth sharing his pain with?
Or maybe it was because it was his fault? His damn awful human family’s fault? Did the person he had respected the most in the world face death all alone because of him?
That thought kept him up at night sometimes. Even when he had locked in syndrome some part of him was glad for it.
Wasn’t this his penance? His hyung wasn’t an irresponsible person. If he could have afforded it, wouldn’t Euishin have checked his health sooner? Might he not have caught the cancer early enough to treat?
Or was his hyung secretly hoping to die? He was responsible when it came to the wellbeing of others. But when Euishin himself was the subject he acted like his life held no meaning or value at all. What if he still wouldn’t have gone to get a check up even if his nasty human half brother hadn’t stolen his job and black listed him from getting more work?
Eunho didn’t know which idea scared him more, but both amounted to the same thing in the end.
If his hyung wouldn’t take care of himself, then the answer was simple. Eunho needed to do it for him.
Hwangho seemed to have similar thoughts. The yellow tiger doted on Jo Euishin. He had cemented himself as so strong and reliable that Euishin now even planned the family head into missions. Hwangho was practically glued to Euishin’s side, attending the same classes, bringing him home to the mansion for every holiday, planning his birthday. Eunho was glad Hwangho was there to help protect him. The family head wasn’t weak, and he made a decent shield.
Eunho wished he were the same, but combat was not his specialty, he couldn’t be there to directly prevent injuries. Even if he was, he would be a liability.
Sometimes he felt truly worthless. Thousands of years old and he was weaker than a literal human child. Even if you counted both of his lives his hyung was far younger than he. But then his hyung was special. Calling him one in a million would be an insult, because he was the brightest shining star found across two entire worlds.
Baekho should be Jo Eushin’s protector, but due to his restrictions he rarely could be at his side, and even when he could, he often put that stupid promise not to interfere before Euishin’s safety.
Eunho never would. He would break that promise nearly as soon as it came out of his mouth if it meant saving his hyung from even an ounce of pain.
That’s probably why Euishin would never let the rest of them give him a blessing. He knew they would protect him, even when he didn’t want protection, even when it meant risking themselves.
They all gave Baekho a hard time, but truthfully, they were all jealous. It was unbelievably reckless to give up his true name like that, but Eunho wished he had done it first.
Even before that awful day Eunho had worried about Euishin. That’s why he brought his hyung cough medicine, why he wondered why his hyung didn’t look for a new job, but back then he still believed Jo Euishin’s words that he was just tired.
He thought he was just taking a much needed break. Thought he had a lingering cold. Nothing serious. Jo Euishin always acted well when he saw him. Always covered his mouth and suppressed the noise of his coughing as much as he could- he hid his pain and condition so well that, like a fool, Eunho thought his precious bright hyung was fine.
Never again would he make that mistake.
He felt sick every time he remembered that day.
While he searched the room for Jo Euishin who had somehow disappeared, he saw his trash.
Blood. Tissues filled with blood. Many of them. Plus boxes for future use. Even a bag he hadn’t yet taken out with more of the same.
Eunho couldn’t believe what he was seeing at first, but given the noise that he had just heared he couldn’t possibly not know what they were for. It sounded like his hyung couldn’t breathe. He knew he had a bad cough. But he had no idea it was like this.
How long had his hyung been coughing up blood? How many days? Weeks? Months?
Then he discovered that awful note. Neat and tidy and prominently placed so it could be seen easily.
In it Euishin apologized for the inconvenience of his death. Money set aside for a modest funeral. Phone numbers of who to call if he died in the apartment, where to send the body for cremation, hours of operation, an urn already purchased and on file at the mortuary and info that he had reserved the spot with his family. Everything neatly set up for his death so Eunho would have the least amount of work possible.
The least amount of work disposing of the person he respected most in the world, like… like his body, his life was nothing but an inconvenient hassle.
Never in his long life had Eunho felt like more of a failure than when he read that note.
His hyung thought of everything. He even had a reminder set so if he failed to stop it every day that it would send a text requesting a wellness checkup. Euishin’s ‘consideration’ so his body wouldn’t rot and cause someone the inconvenience of a bad smell if he died in the apartment unnoticed.
There was a folder dated far too long ago. It showed the X-rays of his lungs and prognosis.
Terminal lung cancer. No chance of survival. One expensive option that would grant him more time was crossed out. Treatment recommended was palliative care to ease the pain. Strong drugs were recommended. Family to care for him or a hospital as he progressed.
No receipts or indications he was or had been to a doctor since that day could be found.
When he searched Eunho could find no medicine in the tiny apartment except an empty bottle of the weak cough syrup Eunho brought Euishin for what he thought was just a lingering cold. No pain killers, nothing.
Euishin’s apartment showed no signs of any drugs and when he checked Euishin’s bank account the reason was clear.
He could not afford any medicine. Nor could he afford more doctors visits or the expensive care that may have granted him more time. He could barely afford the roof over his head and the bare minimum to eat. He must have scraped everything he had together just to afford the funeral fees.
Eunho knew no one had ever been here to assist him with anything at all. Jo Euishin had faced it all alone, his impending death and pain and fears.
What must he have felt like doing this? How had he felt writing that note? Knowing he was dying? How much pain had he been in, and yet somehow Eunho never even guessed.
Euishin was brilliant, loved by his peers, yet no one would hire him. Because Eunho’s rotten wealthy human family had thoroughly ruined him. Not because Euishin did anything wrong, but only because they wanted to hurt Eunho and Euishin was an easier target.
It was partly his fault.
That was the day Eunho learned his hyung was not ok. Both physically and mentally. He was about as far from ok as one could be. How he had the mental fortitude to hide his condition when it was that bad wasn’t impressive so much as it was terrifying. No one in a good mental state would act so normal as they faced such a terrible death at so young an age. Not even 30 years old. A bright life cut unbelievably short, like a dying star fading quietly out of existence.
Eunho would have felt better if his hyung had raged and screamed and cried. That would have been far more healthy. That bright star should have exploded taking the entire rotten world with it. A world without Euishin was not a world he wanted to live in. Especially not a world where none even realized what had been lost.
Somehow against all odds Euishin survived, he had a new body, was cancer free and was even stronger than ever before, but Eunho knew.
Euishin was not alright.
Maybe he hadn’t been since his family died.
He was scared for his reckless hyung. Worried something else would happen. Worried that this time no miracle would save him.
Even when Eunho had locked in syndrome and couldn’t move his body, it wasn’t himself he feared for. It was Euishin.
He researched lung cancer after he arrived in this world. Even though his hyung was healthy, even though it would change nothing.
Sometimes ignorance is bliss. That research haunted him.
He now knew why his hyung had such a high pain tolerance. He also understood why he sometimes held his breath even though it hurt.
Lung cancer is one of the most painful ways a human can die. Pain on the pain scale was described to reach the full 10/10 near the end.
Every breath would feel like agony. Unable to fill his lungs, feeling like you were drowning, breathing through a cocktail straw. It would be hard not to panic because it was so hard just to get air, but at the same time getting air would hurt so badly that trying not to breathe to limit the pain would be common. A vicious cycle.
But that wasn’t all. Nerve pain inside the body, a terrible feeling like your bones were being pulverized as the cancer spread. A sharp stabbing pain with every cough caused by the cancer reaching the nerves in your spine.
The research said it was one of the most painful deaths, both physically and emotionally a person could experience.
If Eunho hadn’t noticed Euishin suffering such extreme pain how could he hope to catch anything now?
Eunho watched Euishin like a hawk. That was the main reason he had joined his school. To be as physically close to his reckless hyung as possible. They had breakfast together almost every day. Lunch too if he could make it happen. Eunho had helped turn his entire class into fans, more people to watch out for his hyung.
The more he watched the more disturbing trends he noticed.
Euishin never talked about himself. He never complained about the hardships he faced. Even after terrible missions where he was in mortal danger he rarely showed even a hint of fatigue, not until he basically passed out. His joy was never over his own accomplishments, it was only for the accomplishments and joy of others.
Even when he was kidnapped by that psychopath or when he lost his eye. He acted like it didn’t matter. He was only embarrassed because he couldn’t hide it completely. He never talked about how blurry his sight was or that it must occasionally cause him pain. He never admitted how terrifying those experiences must have been.
Euishin suffered from a terrible lack of self worth. He didn’t care about himself at all.
A depression that had never been treated. A trauma that was left to fester. Eunho wasn’t sure exactly what it was but he knew something was wrong.
He wished he could go back to that world sometimes. He wanted to know what happened in his past that made him this way. Why Jo Euishin cared so much for everyone else but didn’t care for himself at all.
Eunho found himself pacing outside his hyung’s door where he should be sleeping. They had convinced him to stay in the mansion using the divine beast missing him as an excuse.
The wounds he had suffered were terrible. He had reeked of blood, though of course he said nothing to Hwangho. There were signs he had tried to hide the evidence. Changing his clothes, but the yellow tiger could sense quite clearly where and to what extent he had been injured and he was not pleased.
He was healed now, he used the 100 seconds of grace ability, but his super power waves were a mess and he was vulnerable being completely tapped out. Eunho could tell he was still in a great deal of pain. No matter how much he tried to hide it, Eunho saw the twinges in his eye. He was starting to recognize the signs. 100 seconds of grace had its limits, especially when one was already low on time and had been using it too much.
Then someone came by looking relaxed despite Euishin’s condition. The sight absolutely infuriated Eunho.
“Why are you acting so calm! Don’t you know the pain he’s in! What he went through! Again! Shouldn’t you be the most upset of all of us?” Eunho snapped.
Baekho had the audacity to smile calmly. He put his hands in his pockets and leaned in a relaxed manner against the door.
It made no sense. Baekho was also his beloved hyung. He wasn’t a bad person. Why would he act this way? Why wasn’t he upset when Euishin was so hurt? He knew didn’t he? Couldn’t he sense it? See it? Maybe even feel it? His true name would have been a very powerful blessing. Even Eunho wasn’t sure quite how close the bond was.
“Why?” Eunho demanded.
“Because he’s better this way. Today was a good day.” Baekho said sounding satisfied.
Eunho gaped at him, and he felt his rage start to boil over.
But before he could think what to do, Baekho asked him a question.
“Do you know what nightmare Euishin suffers from the most?” Baekho asked.
Eunho closed his mouth.
Nightmare?
A shiver ran through him. His quick mind catching on far too fast, ideas flooding him. Euishin’s strange lack of regard for his own body, his lack of self worth. Depressed had been Eunho’s guess, or trauma, but he had never been able to quite fit Euishin’s symptoms.
Why had he never thought about that?
Insomnium. How many years had Insomnium haunted his bright hyung? Through nearly his entire lifetime he lived with it inside of him, fighting it in a place Eunho could not see.
Had he really believed that all it ever did was play chess with him? An evil god of death so powerful it could even strip the true name from a Jin? Even if Euishin still suffered trauma from playing chess in his first life, there was no way he got off so easily.
The god would win the bet if he succeeded in locking his hyung into a single stalemate. That was its goal.
If it wasn’t just chess. If it could give him nightmares too…
Eunho thought about what he would do if he were Insomnium. If he wanted to force Euishin to lose under all circumstances. If he didn’t care about him.
He would be ruthless. Trying to shake his mind to knock him off his game. Eunho was not a kind person to his enemies.
He would do everything he could to crush his opponents mind.
Eushin suffered from a lack of self worth. He didn’t care what pain his body went through. He only cared about others and not himself.
Nightmares.
“I don’t even need to grant you a blessing to see you understand.” Baekho said.
He wasn’t smiling anymore. He looked cold and calm.
Baekho would know. He would see what nightmares Euishin suffered from. Even if Euishin didn’t remember them in the day, it didn’t mean they never happened. It didn’t mean they had no effect. Baekho knew everything that Eyishin suffered from, far better than Eunho.
A lack of self worth.
A nightmare highlighting all the ways he burdened others. Highlighting every mistake he made. Real or fictional.
Eunho didn’t know exactly what nightmare that could be, but Baekho knew.
It was the same one he experienced when the old chairman of the hunters association used his Gwangrim against him. That awful day where he recalled being angry at his siblings. Where he recalled how selfish he was on the last day he ever saw them before they died. The one where he realized how lonely he had made his parents.
For well over a decade Insomnium had plagued him with that nightmare, chipping at his self worth. Making him relive those failures, trying to make him hate himself and give up.
It meant to break him, but Euishin did not break, especially not with Baekho’s blessing helping him forget those dreams and suppress most of the mental trauma. He only became an even better person. Discarding any love for himself but loving others all the more. Pouring his whole self into others. It only increased his will to fight, because he needed to protect them.
“Getting hurt… helps?” Eunho asked horrified.
Baekho nodded. “Yes. He can recall sacrificing himself for those he loves. It helps him regain just a little sense of self worth. Helps him see himself as not just a burden, but a decent human.”
Baekho’s knuckles were white.
Eunho understood then.
Baekho wasn’t happy Euishin got hurt. Of course not. Baekho cared for his hyung just as much as he did.
But the pain Eyishin felt was acting as a type of medicine. Soothing the greater pain tearing him up inside. The pain that had led to a suicide note without ever telling anyone he was sick.
Baekho might be right, but it was trading one bad thing for another.
Eunho worried about Euishin every day, but perhaps he wasn’t worrying enough. He should have been worrying every night as well.
Eunho looked at Euishin’s room.
Then he turned away determined.
“What will you do?” Baekho asked.
“You already know don’t you?” Eunho asked.
Baekho smirked.
Eunho was going to research nightmares. He would even contact the sheep clan head if he had to.
“I will find a way to remove it from him. I will find a way to end the nightmares.” Eunho declared.
Baekho smiled at his younger brothers retreating form.
If anyone could do it, it would be him.
He glanced toward the room where Euishin was still sleeping.
In his mind he recalled with satisfaction the young man who bore his name absolutely slaughtering the foreign god in tonight’s chess match.
Even if Eunho never succeeded he believed in Jo Euishin. He would win and keep winning, forever if he had to. In this world Baekho had a lot more power than before. He could provide real support, support Euishin would remember. Not just him but his family too. With all of them here to show Euishin how loved he was, surely their feelings would reach him eventually.
They could never replace his lost family, but Baekho, Eunho and Hwangho all loved him just as much as their own family.
Baekho considered Jo Euishin his other little brother. He was already so bright and shining and radiant in his unending kindness. Someday he hoped that bright star would also shine in true happiness.
***
A/N Hope you enjoyed! I got so much positive feedback on my last ex replay one shot that I decided to write another. Besides. This fandom needs more content! Ex replay is amazing.
Reviews and Kudo’s greatly appreciated.