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It had sounded like a fun idea. Going out with the team, having a few drinks, eating some way too greasy snacks. And it has been amazing, fun, exactly what the team needed to celebrate Eddie deciding to come back home. Almost losing all of them had been a level of terrifying that Eddie had come home immediately to see all of them again.
Buck had picked him up at the airport, looking worse for wear. Eddie drove them home, neither saying anything, not even as they made it home. It wasn't until a text came through their group chat that Chimney and Bobby were in the clear that Buck completely fell apart.
So, yeah, this was exactly why the night out was what they all needed. There'd been a lot more casual touching than normal, like they all need to be reminded that everyone was still breathing, still here.
Drinks have been flowing, too. Which is probably why Eddie is now sitting on a mechanical bull with his entire team standing around the barrier, cheering him on.
Eddie manages to stay on for almost a minute, something he did not think himself capable of. But eventually the bull jerks him hard to one side and then it immediately turns to the other, throwing Eddie off.
The others laugh, and Eddie can't help but join them as he catches his breath, lying on his back.
Ravi gives Eddie a hand to pull him up on his way to the bull. Ravi looks apprehensive the second he's heaved himself up, the reason for which becomes clear within ten seconds, because he's thrown off as the bull tips forward just as Ravi is righting himself after a spin.
Ravi just lies there for a second, and then as he sits up he gives the bull a withering look as if that will do anything.
"You made it look easy," Ravi grumbles to Eddie when he accepts the offered hand to climb over the barrier. Eddie just shrugs, he has nothing to say that won't sound either conceited or overly placating.
"Get it, Buckaroo!" Hen and Chimney cheer in unison.
Buck looks stupidly smug, before he's even gotten on the bull, probably the reason why Hen and Chimney look and sound as excited as they do.
Bobby leans closer to Eddie, saying loud enough for Eddie to hear, "We can agree that he'll either be terrible at this, or he'll be way too good, right?"
Eddie just laughs, but he doesn't bother telling his captain, nor his friends, that Buck is going to be way too good at this, because it's so much more fun to watch their faces as they see it instead.
It's just that Eddie doesn't get to enjoy the expressions of surprise mixed with slight horror.
Because the moment the mechanical bull begins to move, Eddie stops being able to fully think.
Buck is moving fluidly with the machine, his hips seemingly moving independently from the rest of him, as they move with the bull and his upper body leans opposite. Eddie can't stop looking at him, it's like he's been strapped down and had his lids taped open, so that he has not choice but to watch.
At least that's what he will tell himself in the morning and every other time the image will flash through his mind. Something is forcing me to watch.
The thing is, Eddie doesn't know what it is about this that is making him… well, hot and bothered is the only apt words he can think of. He didn't feel like this when Ravi did it, nor when a bachelorette party did it earlier.
No, it's only now. Maybe it's just because Buck is the only one who has been good at it? Yeah, that must be it.
Right?
Yes! Of course it is.
Eddie doesn't get to argue with himself anymore, because Buck gets thrown roughly over the side after a minute and twelve seconds. He's laughing loudly with the rest of them as he rolls onto his back. After checking his time he pumps a fist in the air in celebration.
It's not long after that everyone starts calling it a night. Bobby is first out of the door, saying something about missing his wife, Hen and Chimney following almost immediately with the same excuse. Ravi's phone lights up on the table, but he grabs it before Eddie can so much as see the contact name.
So, now it's just Buck and Eddie left. The two of them have often lingered like this, not done talking. Which means it takes Eddie a few minutes to realize that they don't have to stay, because they are still living together.
Eddie had promised to help Buck find somewhere new, but it's like every time they talk about it, they never get around to it anyway.
Back home they collapse together on the couch, Chris spending the night at Pepa's so Buck and Eddie didn't have to worry about when they got home.
Eddie has to use all his focus to not let his eyes fall to Buck's thighs or hips every time the other man moves. He truly doesn't understand what it is that he's feeling.
Look, Eddie isn't an idiot. He is perfectly well aware that Buck is a very attractive man. He's also aware that he and Buck aren't acting like most best friends do. How could he not have noticed when he spends as much time with Hen and Chimney as he does. But they've always been Buck and Eddie, they've never been normal.
So, why the fuck is something different?
No, it's just because watching Buck move like he did on that mechanical bull would make everyone question something. You can't not think about it.
"Eddie? You good?" Buck nudges him with an elbow, eyebrows drawn together slightly. There is something in his eyes that Eddie can't read, or maybe he can, but he is not sure he wants to.
Trying to play it cool, Eddie shrugs and says, "Yeah, course. I'm just tired, I guess."
"Eddie," Buck starts after a moment of awkward silence, "I know we haven't really talked since you came back."
"What are you talking about?" Eddie interrupts, "We talk all the time."
Something sad and distant enters Buck's eyes just before he turns away from Eddie and looks down at his hands instead. "No, Eddie, we haven't." Eddie feels like someone just threw him into the deep end of a freezing swimming pool, and it doesn't get any better as Buck goes on, "We talk about groceries, and who's driving Chris, or who's car we'll take to work. But we don't talk."
"Then why don't you talk to me?" It comes out more harsh than Eddie intended, but now that Buck has said it out loud Eddie can't help but think about it, can't help but recall all the times where they talked but didn't.
Buck almost seems to curl in on himself as he answers, "I didn't know how."
Eddie has been shot multiple times in his life, he's almost drowned after being buried alive, and yet hearing his best friend telling him that he didn't know how to do the one thing they should be able to do hurts more. It's an ache worse than anything Eddie has ever felt, with the exceptions of the few seconds he thought Christopher was dead after the tsunami, when he watched Shannon die right in front of him, and as he allowed his son to walk out of the door with Helena and Ramon.
"Something's changed, hasn't it?" Even though Eddie is phrasing it as a question, it's more of a statement, because now that he's allowing himself to acknowledge the distance between them it's obvious.
They aren't BuckandEddie anymore.
Buck gives the most shallow nod he could, but he doesn't say anything for a long time. "I didn't want it to," is what he finally says, his voice so small and fragile that Eddie can't stop himself from reaching out, his thumb finding its way into the divot of Buck's collarbone. Buck tenses under his hand, but before Eddie can take his hand back, Buck places his own on top of it. "I wanted to believe you so bad when you told me that it would never change anything, and it didn't, but then you left and came back, and I'd gotten used to living here, no matter what anyone said about it. Then we were- at the- I was so glad that you weren't there, but then I realized why when you came home, and I didn't know what to do with that."
The words came out so fast that Eddie has to sit there for a moment before they catch up to him. And when they do it still takes him a minute until he understands what they mean.
This doesn't change a thing between us.
Eddie had said those words when Buck had told him about the date with Tommy. He'd told Buck that him being attracted to men wouldn't change anything between them. Eddie still remembers the look on Buck's face, the way it fell before Buck said that he was glad it wouldn't.
And it didn't… or maybe it did and they just pretended like it didn't.
Eddie had seen it, though, when Buck picked him up at the airport. The way his shoulders dropped, his expression practically going slack with relief. He's seen it since when he wakes Buck up from his nightmares, holding him as he breathes his way back from the panic.
Their eyes meet and Eddie knows he can't let himself gaslight himself anymore. Eddie has known the entire time what he was feeling, what was going on between them, but it's so much easier to pretend not to.
"Buck," Eddie starts, ignoring the way his voice trembles a little, "things did change, but I didn't know how to handle that. I still don't." Tears are starting to overflow in Buck's eyes as Eddie takes his hand. "But I want to. Fuck, Buck, I have been distracted all night, because I can't stop thinking about you… like that."
Eddie had plans to say more, explain how he feels about Buck, what he wants, but then Buck's eyes meet his and all plans go out of his head.
Eddie surges forward, pushing Buck down on the couch with the force. It's not the best kiss Eddie has ever had, mainly because he accidentally knocks their foreheads together. But they quickly find their footing. Buck pulls Eddie properly on top of him, his hands holding on tightly to Eddie's thighs where they bracket Buck's hips.
It's frantic, their kissing. Teeth nipping at lips, tongues sliding against each other, hands pulling on curls and squeezing thighs and waists.
Buck wraps his arm around Eddie's middle and flips them over, settling between Eddie's legs.
"Sorry," Buck nervously chuckles, "that was kinda instinct." His face goes fully red as he says it, but Eddie can't help but laugh.
"Do you want this? For real, Buck?"
Eddie feels a little like an ass for asking, but he can't do this just once with Buck. It's all or nothing for Eddie, there are no other options.
"When I saw you at the airport…" Buck allows his weight to rest on Eddie, speaking into Eddie's neck, "the relief I felt, knowing you'd never been in danger at all, I knew that I couldn't keep denying how I felt about you, no matter how hard I tried."
Buck lifts his head after Eddie has been quiet for a long time. Look, it's not that Eddie doesn't know what to say, it's not. It's just that knowing what to say and saying it are not the same thing.
But he tries anyway, "When Maddie called me I thought she was going to tell me that you were dead. I've been pretending, for so long, that what I felt for you wasn't what I thought it was, because I don't think I can do it again. I can't put Christopher through it again." Eddie doesn't have to explain that he means everything that happened with Shannon. "But I want this, Buck."
"I do, too. I'm just scared," Eddie smooths his hand over Buck's curls, "Everything keeps changing, and it's a lot. We almost all died, and somehow managed to not end up in some military prison." An incredulous laugh slips out of Eddie, because yeah, that is a wild thing, both to say and to have been a possibility. "But yes, I want this. For real."
"Good," is all Eddie can come up with before he has to drag Buck down for another kiss.
There is so much more that they need to talk about, but it can wait. They have time.