Archive of Our Own

During practice that day, Akito's mind was elsewhere; like often, these days. A dance move using his arms made his eyebrows flinch. His eyes locked on his right wrist, covered by his oversized hoodie. Each move of twisting his hand made the healing wound pull, hurting. A constant reminder of his struggle. He's been wearing an awful lot of hoodies, covering his arms, but nobody ever wondered why. He almost never put them off; he did not want his friend or family to see it.

He sighed.

"You okay?" Asked An as she sipped water from her bottle. "Yeah, just a bit tired."

Another lie. He felt like he was always lying, these days. No, I'm fine. Oh, I'm just always cold, haha. I'm doing well, and you?

Nobody likes someone trauma dumping on a simple "how are you" question. So he smiled, again. And answered he was fine, again.

"Let's start from the beginning, shall we?" Suggested An. Kohane cheerfully nodded, Toya following along.

"Is... is it okay if I leave earlier today? I'm a bit tired, I want to rest." He said, trying to look nonchalant. They nodded. "Yeah, take care of yourself. Let's do it one last time." Toya's gaze lingered on the redhead before turning to start the music again.

Akito exhaled and started dancing. He had trouble with one part of the choreography, where the movements were softer; he looked too stiff. It frustrated him that he couldn't get them right. He felt like his efforts did nothing. Like he was a failure. As he continued dancing, he noticed how his wrist began to itch. Another reminder of the presence of what's on it. Again.

He gulped, then inhaled before singing his part, only for his voice to crack. He closed his hand in a fist.

It was the straw that broke the camel's back; he grunted as he angrily put his mic down, stopping dancing. "That's it. I can't do this, I need to go. Bye." He quickly said. Toya looked at him with concerned eyes. "Akito..."

But the redhead was already taking his phone and stopping the Untitled song to go back to the real world. Now in his room, he sighed. He felt like his teammates were so good and talented, whereas he was struggling. He couldn't keep up.

They'd probably be better without him.

Akito put his hands in his hair, closing his eyes. He couldn't help but feel like a failure. Stress began flowing in him, telling him he was a burden to the team. That they were kept down because of him. That he was just a fucking useless, untalented person.

An itch ran through his wrist. He was feeling hot, so hot. He took his hoodie off, sweating because of the dancing. Disgusting.

His eyes flickered down to his wrist, to the marks on it. He detailed the brighter lines and the more recent pink ones. His thumb ran on them. He shivered. His wrist was painful from the inside, begging for an opening, for a release. He closed his eyes as he put pressure on the pink lines. He let out a pained gasp, but it also felt good. The pain inside his wrist and the one inside his heart subsided for a second.

Then it came back. He opened his eyes, walking towards his desk. He mindlessly opened the drawer, and looked at the cutter resting inside it.

Sharp, pretty.

He grazed his hand against it.

After a moment, he grabbed the cutter and sat at his desk with it. He gripped it until his knuckles were white. He couldn't believe he was about to do it again. It added to his guilt, which only added to the urge. He put the cutter's blade against his wrist, not pressing enough to do damage. He inhaled and started to press it down and slide it.

He looked at the line he created. It wasn't red yet, but he could see where his skin was torn. The fact that it wasn't red already, bleeding already, made him pissed. He wanted it to hurt; it wasn't enough. He pressed the blade against it again, sliding it with pressure on the wound. He felt his skin tearing deeper. Blood started to pool in little droplets on one side of the cut. He pressed the cutter again on it, with strength. He could feel the cold blade into his skin, and the familiar tingle from the blood starting to pool. He pressed on the wound, making more blood go on top of it. It was so... red.

But it wasn't enough.

He needed to feel more of them; he deserved to have more.

So he pressed the blade against another spot on his skin, tearing it open. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again.

It still wasn't enough; the feeling it would normally procure wasn't arriving. It wasn't calming himself, grounding himself. He looked at his arms, full of bleeding cuts. Tears of frustration pricked at his eyes.

He heard knocks on his window. There was only one other person besides him who passed by this window...

Akito looked at it, blinds shut. He heard Toya's voice through it. "Akito? Can I come in? Are you okay?"

He didn't answer.

Soon, his phone was ringing. "Akito... I can hear you through the window. Please answer."

Akito opened his mouth to find his throat dry, incapable of creating a sound.

"I'm coming inside, okay?"

No, no, fuck no, go away. I don't want you to see me like this.

He tried to cover his fresh wounds by putting on his hoodie. The fabric stuck to them, making him wince. He heard his window opening and saw a silhouette forming behind the blinds.

The blind were pushed away, and Akito saw Toya's concerned face.

"Akito? Are you okay? What are you doing?"

The ginger bit his lip. Toya's eyes went wider as they fell to his covered arms.

"Akito, your hoodie... it's full of blood. What happened?!"

He rushed towards him, but Akito turned away. He managed to talk. "Leave... please leave."

"I'm not leaving. What happened? There's blood on your hoodie, Akito."

Akito closed his eyes and imagined Toya's eyes going to his desk, to find a bloody cutter. He lowered his head, guilty and ashamed.

"Akito... please turn around, look at me."

But he didn't move, eyes closing tighter. He wanted to just disappear. Make the time go back.

He felt his gaming chair turning on itself.

"Akito... I'm here. Can you remove your hoodie? Can you show it to me? Please?"

Akito felt the recognizable tingling behind his eyes before tears came. Fingers brushed on his cheek.

"Aki... Look at me."

He opened his eyes to see Toya crouching in front of him, concern on his features.

"I'm here, okay? I'll take care of you. Can you help me remove your hoodie?"

Akito looked at the hoodie. Blood stained the arms. He rose them, as Toya took the bottom of his hoodie to remove it softly. The fabric passed over the fresh wounds, making them hurt even more. He bit his lower lip.

Toya took his arms in his hands, looking at the damage done. Akito closed his eyes again, not able to support the weight of his gaze.

"Did you... Did you wash or sterilize the cutter's blade first?"

Ah, fuck.

Akito was too eager to punish himself, he didn't even think of it. He shook his head.

"Okay. And there's fabric dust stuck in them, we'll need to clean that up. Can you get up?"

"I.. I don't know..."

"That's alright. We'll try together. Hold on to me, okay?"

Akito nodded, and stood up. They moved to his bathroom, where he sat on the counter. Toya rummaged around the drawers to find a medical kit. He wet a cloth with water, then turned to Akito. He gently took one arm in his hand. He started rubbing the cloth gently on the wounds to clean them, making Akito wince.

"I know, I know. But I got to do this. We don't want it to get infected."

The ginger nodded.

"I... I'm sorry. I didn't want you to see this." He said, voice shaky.

"Hey, you don't have to hide from me. I'm there for you, okay?"

"Yes, but-"

"There's no but."

Akito bit his lip.

"I just... I feel so overwhelmed, Toya. So tired. Everything feels wrong. I feel like I'm wrong. Like I'm not... not enough."

Toya raised his eyes to Akito's.

"Akito..."

Akito felt tears beginning to fill his eyes, so he looked away. Words were flowing out of his lips like a river.

"It's true. You're all so talented, and improving to be even better, while I stagnate. I'm just dragging you down. It's my fault we lost the last music battle..."

"Akito. Listen to me."

The ginger felt fingers on his cheek. He turned to Toya.

"You're not dragging anyone down. You're not a burden. I like how you sing and rap. Your voice is so powerful, Akito. I wish mine were more like yours. I admire you."

"But, it's so unstable! Whereas you have a near-perfect pitch... My voice never stops cracking."

"Yeah, it cracks."

Akito felt a pang in his chest.

"Because you sing with so much feeling." Continued Toya. "You put your whole soul into your singing, and it shows. Even if your voice cracks from time to time, it only shows how much you're into it. It's not a bad thing."

Akito gulped, tears falling from his eyes.

"I guess... I... Just- I always feel like I'm not allowed to fail, you know? I feel this constant pressure to always be perfect... And I don't even know why. It's not as if my parents put big expectations on me, like for you- hell, they couldn't care less about what I do. It's just me who puts so much pressure on myself, and I can't seem to stop..."

Toya's eyes were sad as he looked at his best friend.

"Akito..."

"Hell, Toya, I don't even enjoy singing anymore! The only thing that used to give me joy! Because it's never as perfect as I'd want it to be. And I know I'm better than a lot of people, and I should be grateful, but I just can't stop hating myself."

The ginger inhaled shakily.

"I just... I'm just so tired, Toya..."

Toya stepped forward and crashed Akito into his chest in a hug. He threaded his hand through his orange hair, guiding his head to his shoulder before patting it softly.

"I know, Aki... I know."

He tilted the other's head up to look at him.

"Know that, for me, you're perfect. Always has been."

Akito felt his heart flutter through the sadness.

"Can you... can you sleep over here, please?"

Toya nodded.

"Of course. I like sleeping with you, anyway."

He smiled down at his friend.

"Thank you. I-"

Akito stopped himself from spontaneously saying that he loved the other, putting his face against Toya's chest instead. He closed his arms around him. He smelled good, a scent of fresh laundry and mint. Comforting.

He closed his eyes as Toya hugged him tight. It was as if his presence put a healing balm on his heart.

"Thanks for coming here. For being there for me. It helps me."

He felt Toya's long pianist fingers in his hair again, making him sigh.

"I'm glad it helps. I'm always there, partner."

They stayed like that for a moment, Toya running his fingers through Akito's hair. They reluctantly stopped the hug, and Toya turned to rummage in the medical kit. He softly took Akito's arms in his hands, and bandaged them.

"You go put on some pajamas, I'll wash your hoodie. I'll be back soon. I love you."

Akito's eyes widened as he heard the words he was too afraid to say. He felt his heart leap, and smiled to Toya with a small blush on his cheeks.

"Thanks. I love you too."

He walked towards his room, alone. There, he looked with a dark gaze at his desk, a bloody cutter still on it. He swallowed and walked towards it. Taking it in his hand, he walked back to the bathroom, where Toya was rinsing out his hoodie. Toya turned to him with a questioning gaze. He lifted the cutter to his eyes.

"Need to clean this too." He said in a flat tone.

"Oh... Yeah. You can leave it here, I'll do it."

Akito shook his head.

"No need."

He walked to the sink under his best friend's worried gaze, and rinsed the blade with water, until all the blood was gone. He then walked back to his room and put it in his desk drawer again. He rummaged in his wardrobe to find pajamas. He changed his pants and removed his shirt. He heard his door behind him, so he turned around. Toya looked at him with big eyes he quickly adverted. Akito detailed the blush appearing on his cheeks with a smug feeling.

"Are you shy cause I'm shirtless?" He asked, teasing the other.

Toya's blush increased, giving Akito his answer. He smiled and put his pajama shirt on.

"Here, I got one for you too."

He gave another pajama to Toya. Toya looked at him for a moment, not moving. Then he said with a small voice:

"Could you turn around? While I change?"

Akito nodded with a small smirk and turned around. He heard the ruffle of clothes behind him as Toya changed himself.

"It's okay now." He heard the other say.

He turned around. Seeing Toya in his clothes made his heart flutter; there was just something domestically cute about it. He walked towards his bed with Toya, and lay down on it with him, putting the blankets over them. They awkwardly lay down next to each other, not daring to do or say anything.

"Can I... hug you?" Akito asked.

"Always. Come here."

The ginger put his head on Toya's chest, closing his arms around him, their legs tangled together. His friend's hands rested on his back. He closed his eyes, enjoying the warmth of the proximity.

"Am I... too much? I feel like I'm too much."

"No, Akito, you're not. You just feel lots of things, yeah?"

"Yeah... I'm sorry. I just feel like I'm being more trouble than anything else. I don't want to annoy you, to make you go away. I'm scared you'll go away."

He tightened his hug.

"But, if ever I'm too much, and you do want to go away, please tell me. I don't want you to force yourself."

"Akito..."

Toya ran a hand on Akito's head, threading his fingers through his hair.

"You're not too much. I like the way you are. You're perfect in my eyes. But yes, if ever anything comes up, I'll tell you, even if I doubt it'll happen."

"Thank you. For everything." Said Akito.

"I'm always there for you, Aki." Replied Toya.

They slowly fell asleep in each other's arms.

***

When Akito woke up, Toya was looking at him. He brushed off a strand of hair from his face. "Hey."

"Hey." Akito replied. "I'm gonna go to the bathroom." Said Toya. He stood up and left. Memories of the day before flooded Akito's brain. He looked at his bandaged arms. He felt guilty of putting Toya through this, and the guilt made him want to punish himself.

Toya came back from the bathroom. "Hey... what are you thinking of?"

"I..." Akito sighed.

"I just wanna do it again. And, like, I know I shouldn't, but... the thought stays there, you know? Until I do it. It doesn't matter if I try to do something else, change my mind, it just... stays. Until I do it."

Toya held his hand tightly.

"I know. You're strong."

Akito frowned.

"I'm not, though. I'm covered in wounds because I wasn't strong enough to resist the urge. I'm anything but strong."

"No, Akito... You're fighting an incredibly hard battle, right now, and it's a sign of strength. Every day you don't do it, every hour you resist, it's showing how strong you are."

"I... I guess..."

Akito sighed.

"And like, I have a therapist now, since a few weeks ago. And she gave me good tips, and I know they should help, but when I have an urge, half of the time I don't do them. It's like... I don't want to do them. I want to continue."

The ginger put his hands on his face.

"But I know I should stop. And a part of me wants to, but another... another..."

"Wants to continue. Is it... Is it because you don't feel like you deserve to stop? That you deserve to be hurt?"

Akito dropped his hands.

"Maybe? But then, how do I stop, if I don't feel like I deserve stopping?"

Toya put his hand on Akito's, holding it, rubbing his thumb on the back of it.

"You need to change the way you see yourself first. You need to start seeing yourself as a person deserving of love and nice things. Because if you continue hating yourself and thinking you deserve to be hurt, you're not going to stop."

"But... I don't know how to stop. I don't know how to love myself."

"Can I suggest something?"

Akito sighed.

"Yeah, go for it."

"What about we start by this: when I give you affection and say nice things to you, I know you probably think 'that's not true', but I want you to try to accept them. Take them, okay?"

Akito nodded.

"Okay. Then, when you'll be able, you can tell yourself nice things. We'll go by steps."

Toya pulled Akito in a hug.

***

Akito's phone received a notification. He checked, and it was Toya.

I was going to sleep, but my dad forbade to go, saying I had to study more instead. I'm tiredddd

What the fuck?? He doesn't have the right to tell you when to rest or not, wth

I know, that's what I said. I tried to stand up against him but it only fueled him more. I just want to go sleep, there's a lot of exams this week and it tires me.

Yk my advice on this lol. Fuck studying, i do exams with my pure talent

Lol
Urgh
He just came and saw me text on my phone, said he was gonna take it if I didn't study for real. Gtg. Love you.

Akito felt his heart flutter.

Love you too. Work for like 30 min, then go to sleep, yeah? You deserve rest

He closed his phone. He hated Toya's father. The expectations he put on him were too much, for music and for school. It saddened him to see the bags under the tired eyes of his friend. He wished he could take him and put him in a cocoon, protect him from harm. He was just so soft, and cute. He deserved the world.

***

They had a gig planned this day. They were offstage, and Akito was stressed. He mindlessly rubbed over his arms, over his hoodie. He felt a hand over his, stopping him. He looked up. Toya was there, with a small comforting smile.

"Hey. It's gonna be okay, alright? You were fabulous during rehearsal. And you practiced a lot. You're gonna do great." He whispered to him.

Akito exhaled shakily.

"I guess... I don't know, I have a feeling it's not gonna go well."

"I'm telling you, you practiced enough for this. Now you just got to enjoy it, okay? Enjoy the show, the thrill. You're gonna be okay. And I'll be with you all the time."

Toya took his friend in his arms. Akito closed his eyes. The hug was comforting. He sighed, and closed his arms around the other, putting his head on his shoulder.

"Thank you. I'm sure you'll do great too." He replied, whispering.

The tech signaled them that it was their turn, so they stopped the hug and walked to the side of the wings. He heard the MC calling their group name, and the crowd cheering loudly. They walked on the stage with a smile, mics in hand. An was waving at the crowd. She introduced the song they were gonna play, Alter Ego.

As the intro played, Akito breathed in and out, knowing he was the one starting the song. He closed his eyes. When he opened them, he saw Toya looking at him with a comforting look. He brought the mic up, and started singing. Kohane joined him, and they sang together while locking eyes.

It was going well so far. Akito smiled while the others were singing. The heavy bass was thrumming through his skull, the atmosphere of the show thick and intense. His next line was coming in. It was a tricky one; he often got the timing wrong, finishing his syllables as Kohane and Toya started theirs. But he practiced it. He'd be all right.

He brought the mic up, and sang. As he was saying the last word, the beat of the chorus and his friend's voices started.

Fuck. He missed the beat, taking too much time.

He gritted his teeth. Toya's gaze met his, and Akito remembered what he previously said. One mistake was fine. He practiced enough, it's going to be fine.

He sang his next line together with An. It went well. He felt relieved, as if it was proof that he'd be okay.

They finished the first chorus flawlessly. Toya and An started the second verse. He could feel his heartbeat pounding loudly in his veins as he continued the verse with Kohane. The register for that song was quite high, it was difficult. He could feel the tension in his throat from singing high constantly. He hoped his voice wouldn't crack.

Luckily, he finished his lines with no problem. The pre-chorus, now. An said a line, and Akito followed. As he tried to reach an even higher note, he heard his voice crack. He looked down with a mix of shame and frustration as his friends continued singing.

But he didn't have the time to sigh over it, because he had to start the chorus with An. Still put off by his mistake, he started the chorus a beat later. An looked at him with concern in her eyes, but Akito ignored her stare. The second chorus finished.

As the interlude played, Akito looked at Toya. He knew the next part coming up was going to be a fast rap that the two did together. Toya nodded at him, as if to say "I got you".

They started rapping together, keeping their gaze locked. Akito tripped over his syllables, and missed some words.

His grip tightened on his mic, knuckles turning white. He'd practiced so much. Why wasn't it working?! Fuck, he needed to focus. They continued the next lines.

Kohane started singing again, and Akito followed. Three consecutive high notes came up, and he missed the last one, singing flat. He could feel his blood boiling, angry at himself for all his mistakes. He wasn't only angry, he was also confused; he'd practiced so much, how come it was going so bad?

He was stressed about his incoming lines. He really needed not to mess them up.

He sang together with An. He could feel tears of frustration prickling at his eyes. His arms itched. He looked at the crowd's eyes. He felt as if they were going through his soul.

They started singing all together for the last chorus. He let out his frustration through his voice, singing loudly and angrily. His heart was beating fast in his chest, he could hear it in his eardrums. He put all of his energy into the last chorus.

They finished the song on applauses from the crowd. Akito didn't stay to bow and appreciate them, he walked off the stage already. He angrily put his mic on a table offstage. He heard Toya's voice far away calling for him, but ignored it. He needed to be alone, to calm down. His heart was beating so fast he felt like it was gonna explode. He ran off to the bathroom, and locked himself in a stall. Leaning on the wall, he closed his eyes. Voices came closer, entering the bathroom.

"...Yeah, the ginger? I don't know, he seemed off his game."

"I know, it was weird. They're usually pretty good, but he kept missing notes today."

Akito saw a tear falling on the ground under him. He opened the stall in a big swing and passed through the two guys talking, bumping into them. They cursed and tried to stop him, but he continued walking fast.

He went out of the venue, opening the door to the cold night air. A few smokers were out, and he passed by them to go on the side of the building, in the alley. He sat down, back against the cold wall, and started fully crying. And his fucking wrist itched so fucking much.

He gripped it tightly over his bandages, crying quietly. He stayed there for a few minutes, shivering from the cold, only having a hoodie on in the autumn night.

"Akito?"

Akito turned his head. Toya walked to him and crouched down to him.

"Here, your coat. You must be cold." Akito nuzzled into the fabric, wanting to hide in it. He was ashamed. Toya believed in him, and he failed.

"Hey, Aki, it's okay. It's fine. Do you want to go back home? I told the girls I'd find you."

Akito nodded. Home felt good; the outside was cold.

"But first, come here."

Akito didn't have time to see what Toya was about to do that he crushed him in a hug against him, enveloping him in his arms. He sobbed onto Toya's coat. It was warm, comforting. They stayed like that for a few moments, until the blue-haired boy helped the ginger get up. 

"Come on, let's go to your house." He put his hand on Akito's, the one that was gripping his wrist, and took it in his.

"I wanna... I wanna do it so bad, Toya. It's there, on my mind, and it's not going away..."

Akito gripped his friend's hand tighter.

"I know, Akito. But you've got to resist. I hate seeing you hurt. I want you to be safe. I'll stay with you until the urge passes, okay?"

"But it never passes! It always stays there, in the back of my mind. I always go back to it, until I go sleep it off."

"Then I'll sleep with you again. It's no big deal, Aki. I'm there for you. Always."

"Thank you..."

Akito looked at the ground as they continued walking. They entered by Akito's window to avoid disturbing his family. They sat together on his bed. The ginger sighed.

"I... I don't understand... I practiced so much... Why did it go so bad?"

"Because you weren't feeling well. You weren't in the right mindspace. It's not your fault.

"But... And you all sang so perfectly, you all did it, so why couldn't I?"

"Because we don't deal with the problems you have to deal with. You've got more on your mind, you're not feeling well. We have it easy."

Akito put his free hand to his face.

"Still... I practiced so much, and it was all for nothing. Even doing my fucking best, working my ass off, isn't enough. Even my best isn't enough..."

He felt a hand on his shoulder.

"It wasn't for nothing. You already did a lot. Just going up on that stage is impressive, most people aren't capable of this. And what if you missed a few notes? The majority of them were still good. Plus, this song is really difficult. Today doesn't reflect how good you are, Aki. It doesn't do you justice. You're fabulous."

"I... I don't feel like I am..."

"But you are, trust me. Have I ever lied to you? There's a reason why you're my partner, and I followed you through this, pursuing your dream. You're an incredible person, Akito. And I love you."

Akito, tears filling his eyes, got frustrated.

"Do you?! I don't understand why you like me, why you follow me in this. I don't feel like I'm enough, you deserve better than me."

Toya took his face between his hands.

"Akito, listen to me. You're fabulous. You're my partner. I'd follow you through hell if you went there. And it's not for no reason, you do deserve it, Aki. You're so nice, caring, even if you don't show it, funny, loving, talented... I love you, Akito. I truly do."

Akito's heart clenched. He'd wish Toya would say these words with a different intent in mind, but he knew they were only friends. Partners. Nothing else.

Toya rubbed his thumb on Akito's cheek, looking at him with soft eyes.

"You're my whole world, Akito." He spoke, almost whispering.

The ginger's heart fluttered. Maybe...

No. He didn't want to get his hopes up for nothing.

He hugged Toya, burying his face in his neck.

"You're mine too."

Toya turned his head and kissed him on the forehead, keeping him in his arms. Akito, startled, looked at him with big eyes. Toya was only smiling, with a small blush on his cheeks.

"Is that okay?" He asked with a shy voice.

Akito nodded. He could feel his ears heating up. He returned to the hug, hiding in his spot. He quickly turned his face to Toya's neck, where he left a kiss, before turning again towards his clavicle. Toya giggled, and closed his arms around him.

"I love you." Whispered the ginger against his skin.

***

"Hey, Aki."

Akito turned to see Toya walking over to him. It was lunchtime at school.

"Someone recorded our last gig."

Akito felt his gut twist uncomfortably. He gulped.

"Could you come to Sekai after school? I want you to see it."

"No, I don't think that's a good idea..."

Toya moved closer to the ginger.

"Trust me, Akito. We'll watch it together. I'm sure it'll help you."

Akito didn't feel like it. He felt like it would only twist the knife in the wound. But he trusted Toya. If he wanted him to see it, he must have a good reason.

"Okay."

Later that day, after school, he clicked on the Untitled song on his phone. He walked into Meiko's café.

"Hey! Do you want something to drink?" She asked with her robotic voice.

"Yeah, a coffee with milk and sugar please."

The bell rang as the door opened. He turned to see Toya coming inside the café.

"Hey."

Akito was a bit stressed to watch their gig, but as if Toya felt it, he went to give a backhug to the ginger. Akito jumped, and put his hand on the other's arms. Meiko gave his order to him and black coffee to Toya, and they went to a table together.

"Why do you want me to watch it?"

"I think it'll change your perception. Can you at least try to watch it with me? I'll stay with you the whole time."

Akito nodded, and sat closer to his friend, who took out his phone. He started a video. Akito could see how stressed he looked in the video, it was obvious. It went well, until the first chorus, where he remembered he missed the timing. Toya squeezed his hand.

"It's our song, people don't know what timing the syllables are supposed to have. It could have been on purpose, they couldn't know you made a mistake."

"Yeah, but look at my face."

Akito looked preoccupied, it was obvious he wasn't happy with what he'd done.

"My behaviour gave it away."

They continued watching. Akito was surprised; his mistakes were not as big as they first sounded. He sang well. He was embarrassed as the video ended, feeling he'd overreacted. Half of his mistakes weren't even hearable.

"See? Your brain tricks you into thinking that you're worse than you really are."

Toya rubbed a comforting hand on Akito's back.

"You did well, Aki. You aren't a failure."

Akito closed his eyes, ashamed.

"I'm sorry..."

"Why?" Toya sounded surprised.

"I overreacted. I felt like I messed it up, and ran away. I'm sorry. I shouldn't have reacted like this."

"Hey, Aki. It's not your fault. Your brain tricked you. You really thought it was that bad, but it was not. How could you have known? It's okay."

Akito turned to his partner, pressing his head against his chest. Toya closed his arms around him in a comforting hug, patting his hair.

"You're talented, Akito. Don't let your bad esteem convince you otherwise."

Akito nodded.

***

Akito was lying down, head on Toya's chest, while he played with his hair.

"Wanna know something fucked up?".

Toya hummed in affirmation.

"I'm pretty sure my mom saw my wounds. She saw me a few times when I didn't have the time to put my hoodie on, and I saw her gaze lowering to my arms."

"Oh... what did she say?"

Akito huffed.

"Nothing. She didn't even twitch. She never mentioned it to me, no matter how bad it was. It happened another time today. She just barged into my room without knocking. And I saw her looking at them. And again, she just left after telling me to do my chores. She just... doesn't care."

"Oh, Aki..."

Toya hugged him tighter.

"And my dad isn't better. He's blind. When I told them I got a therapist, he was confused, and asked me why. Said he thought I was feeling better, good. Then I crashed out. Told him I've been diagnosed with atypical depression. That I am anything but fine... but he didn't see that. He didn't realize it. Told me it wasn't true, it wasn't that bad. That it was all an exaggeration. That we didn't know for real, as if my therapist and my doctor didn't come to the same conclusion."

Toya ran his fingers through the ginger's hair.

"That's so... bad. I'm sorry."

"They just... don't care about me. Hell, I could jump off a cliff, and I don't think they'd-"

Akito stopped as Toya gripped him by the shoulders, turning him to himself. He observed him with concerned eyes.

"Aki. Please don't say this. Please don't think this."

Akito sighed.

"Sorry... I wasn't saying this for real, I don't... wanna kill myself. I just... think they wouldn't even care if I was dead."

"Aki... I think they would. They would regret not seeing your distress earlier, and being there for you. But most of all, I'd care. An would care. Kohane would care. We'd be destroyed, you know that?"

Akito looked down sheepishly.

"I know. That's why I don't really wanna do it for real. Don't wanna leave you."

"Good. I love you, Aki."

"I love you too, Toya."

Toya crushed him into a hug.

"It's really fucked up that your parents don't care. But I do. I truly care about you, Akito."

"Thank you."

A small silence took place.

"I love you, Akito."

Akito huffed.

"You already said that."

Toya cupped his head with his hand, forcing their gazes to meet.

"No, Akito. I love you. You're the most important person to me. I always think of you, I always wish you were here with me. I wanna stay with you forever and beyond. You're the stars, the whole universe. I only see you. I only want you. I don't know how to say this any other way, Aki.... I love you."

Akito's heart was beating like crazy as the other continued talking.

"More than a partner. More than a friend. I'd give you my whole heart, Akito. You have my heart. I don't know how to be clearer then this."

Toya's eyes lowered themselves.

"And if you don't feel like this, that's okay. I just wanted you to know how much I liked you. You don't have to feel the need to reciprocate anything, really-"

His words were cut off by Akito's lips on his. He let out a surprised sound, before quickly melting in the ginger's hold. He returned the kiss, lips soft against Akito's. The latter put one hand on his nape and threaded the other in his hair, pulling him close. It felt so good, finally kissing him, after years of secretly yearning. Toya sighed into the kiss, his arms around Akito's neck. Akito detached himself from the other's lips.

"I love you too. Not as a friend, not as a partner. I feel the same way as you do."

Toya smiled, pure joy running through his features. He pulled the ginger closer and hugged him tightly.

"What do you want us to be?" Toya asked.

"Well... do you wanna be my boyfriend?"

The blue-haired boy smiled.

"I'd love to."

He leaned closer to Akito to kiss him quickly.

"I love you." He whispered against his lips.

Akito pulled his head closer to kiss him again. Their lips were slowly moving against each other, sending electricity through his spine. It felt so good; he was addicted to the feeling. It felt soft, fuzzy. A comfortable heat engulfed his heart. Toya had a slight blush on his cheeks. He was so, so cute.

***

Akito's gaze kept falling to his uncovered arms, to the pink lines on them. It hurt when he moved. He tried to look away, but he always went back to them, like magnets constantly pulling each other closer. His chest felt empty. He wasn't even guilty, disappointed, or sad; he was just... empty. It felt inevitable.

He knew some of the marks would stay, by how many they were. They would fade into a lighter color, yes, but they'd still be there, forever. He would always be stuck with the reminder of his struggle, with the temptation that came with their view. Would he ever be over this? It didn't feel like it.

And he had this problem for so long. Even if it wasn't by cutting, he always self-harmed, as far back as he can remember. A few years ago, he used to scratch himself, rip and tear his skin off. Younger, he used to bang his head on a wall, with his hands or with furniture, until he was dizzy. Hell, he even self-harmed at seven years old. After his baths, he wrapped his towel around his throat and... pulled. Hard. One time he restrained his breathing to the point where he fell, almost passing out. And his sister asked from another room, hearing his fall, if he was fine.

Of course he was fine. He was always fine.

How would he be able to stop a habit so deeply rooted in him? Was it even possible? He doubted it. It had been like that his whole life, why would it change now?

"Because you're not alone anymore." Answered Toya when he talked about it to him.

"You have a therapist, good friends, and me. Plus, now, you have realized these behaviours are not healthy. That's a good step towards getting better. It's all about the small steps."

He took his boyfriend's hand in his.

"Of course it's not gonna change in a few days. It'll take months, years. But I love you, Aki. I'll be with you every step of the way."

***

Looking at the pink marks on his wrists, Akito suddenly realized he hadn't cut for a whole week now. It shocked him. He thought of it, sure... but he didn't do it. He took his cellphone to text Toya, proud of his accomplishment.

It's been a week since i've done it

Toya's reply didn't take long to come.

Wow, that's so good!! I'm so proud of you, Aki. You did great.
I know it was tough, but I'm happy you could refrain from doing it. You're so strong.

Thanks
Couldn't have done it without you
I love you

I love you too, Aki.

He smiled at his screen, heart fluttering.

I also talked to my mom about it, asking her why she didn't say anything

Oh... what did she say?

That she just wanted to give me space and not stress me with talking to her about it
But that she's there if i need it

Oh
That's actually good! I'm glad you had that conversation with your mother.

I'm happy too
Still wished she talked to me first but yeah

***

A month passes. Akito relapses, then stops for another week, then relapses again... He's more and more able to control his urges, by doing other things instead of cutting. His therapist said she believed that his art could help him release the tension instead of releasing it by cutting. He took the habit of writing song lyrics or singing really loud when urges come.

"She told me, at the end of each day, to tell myself something good. Something good about me, or something good that happened. But... it's so hard, Toya. I often feel that there's no good at all." Akito said through the phone.

"But there is, Aki. Try to focus on it."

Akito snapped.

"On what?! Cause I can't see anything good with me. Everything's so fucking annoying and- god, I want to cut so much-"

His voice broke.

"Don't, Aki. It'll only get worse in the end."

"But when I do it, I feel better. Even if it's just a few seconds, I feel better. I need it, Toya..."

Toya stayed silent on the other side of the line.

"I'm sorry."

He hang up the phone, biting the inside of his cheek. He grabbed his arm with his hand, tightening on the marks. He wanted to cry. He wanted to scream. To feel something, fuck. Tears came to his eyes. He bit his cheek so hard he tasted blood.

He stood up from his bed, and went to his desk drawer. He looked at it for a few seconds, then turned away, tightening his clenched hands. He didn't want to be weak, to succumb again. But, god, he wanted to just see blood, to feel something. Anything.

He turned again and quickly, roughly opened the drawer. He sat down on his chair, cutter in hand. He revealed the blade.

Doubt filled his mind. Was he really going to do this, again? To break this streak of healing days? He wanted it so bad, fuck. But at the same time, he didn't want to disappoint Toya, or his therapist. He had to resist.

But the urge stayed there, big and overwhelming, overflowing on every thought passing his mind. Fuck, why wasn't it ever going away? He was stuck with this, always.

With his free hand, he hit his head, sobbing. He wanted the urge to just go. Cause he knew he couldn't control himself completely. He knew this would be staying until he slept, or until he did it.

And he wanted it so bad. Just to hurt himself, cut himself, scratch himself, burn himself, stab himself. To make it hurt. He felt it in his goddamn bones. He was breathing fast and ragged, tears flowing down and filling his eyes.

Fuck it.

He stabbed down the cutter in his thigh, screaming when he felt it. He gasped, struggling to breathe in, to find air. He removed the blade stuck in his flesh, blood flowing down everywhere, pooling on his hands, on the chair, on the ground. It was messy. Tears flowed at a slower pace than blood, falling down and mixing with it. He let the cutter fall on the ground and pressed his hands on the wound, trying to contain the amount of blood spilling out of it. He was shaking forcefully, sobbing loudly. Blood was everywhere.

"Oh, god, Akito-" Said a voice behind him, coming from where his window was.

He heard Toya's steps running to the bathroom to get towels. He came back running, pressing one on Akito's thigh. He looked at the blood on the ground and on Akito, alarmed.

"God, Aki, you... you need to go to a hospital."

Knocks were heard on Akito's door.

"Akito? You okay?! I heard you screaming!" Ena's voice came through the door.

Akito just continued sobbing, unable to do anything. Toya turned to the door.

"Ena, we need to go to the hospital. Do you have a driving license?!" Asked the blue-haired boy.

Ena opened the door. Her eyes widened at the scene in front of her.

"Oh, fuck, what the hell happened?! Actually, I don't care, just come to the car right now!"

Toya helped Akito stand up, supporting most of his weight. Blood continued pooling on the ground. They limped to the car, Akito crying and wincing in pain. Toya put towels on the car seat to avoid putting blood on it, then sat Akito on them. They drove fast to the hospital, Toya clenching Akito's free hand in his.

"My brother is hurt bad-" Ena screamed as they came in the emergency door.

Hospital staff brought a gurney, on which Akito lay down.

"What happened?" Asked a doctor.

Toya turned to Akito. He stopped crying. His eyes were dark and lost, looking in the void before him. He just let himself be transported by hospital staff, without being there mentally. He looked... away.

"I... I think he got stabbed in the leg. I'm not sure." Answered his boyfriend.

"Okay. We'll take care of it."

They went away with the gurney, leaving Toya and Ena alone.

***

Shapes without definite lines he thought were people were moving around him. He heard noises, people talking and shouting, but couldn't make any sense of it. His gaze was fixated on the air when they sutured his leg, barely conscious of what was happening. He couldn't care less.

There it was. He did it. He went too far. Now there wouldn't be any way of hiding it anymore.

What a shitty boyfriend he was. It had been two times that Toya found him in his blood, when he always told him to be strong. He probably was disappointed in him. There's no way he didn't make him feel bad, finding him there, again. Maybe he even blamed himself for not being able to stop him; he was on a call with him right before he did it.

I'm just a fucking burden.

He waited for the tears to fill his eyes, but they were all dried up. No tears left that he didn't cry already. He sighed. He looked at his bandaged thigh. He was somehow changed into a hospital gown in the tumult. Eyes magnetized to the white fabric, he didn't give attention to the door of his room opening.

Ena almost jumped on him in a tight hug. He didn't move. It felt as if he were empty. Dead inside.

"Why did you do that, Akito?! Why do you do that?!"

He couldn't reply. Couldn't talk. Couldn't look at her. Couldn't look at Toya, standing behind her. Couldn't move at all.

***

"Do I disappoint you?" Akito asked as Toya helped him get into his bed. The hospital let him go, but he had to take it easy on his leg.

Toya looked at him, dumbfounded.

"No, why?"

"You want me to get better, but I'm not able to. Must be disappointing for you."

Toya passed his hand through the ginger's hair.

"No, Aki. Yes, I want you to get better, but I'm not disappointed you aren't. I know it's a long and tough road. And I'll stay with you all the way. You're not a disappointment."

Akito sighed.

"Maybe not for you, but for me... I feel disappointed in myself. I was getting better, and I screwed it up again. I thought I was doing better, so why-"

His voice broke.

"Relapsing is part of the recovery. It's normal. People who smoke don't stop on the first try. It's a coping mechanism. A bad one, yes, but you needed one, and you're surviving. And I'm proud of you for that. Little by little, you'll learn better ways of coping, so you can stop doing that. But in the meantime, don't hate yourself for it. It's okay."

He closed his arms around Akito, pulling him in a hug.

"You're trying. That's what's important."

Akito sobbed. He gripped Toya's shirt with one hand, not wanting to let go. He lifted his head and kissed the other softly. It tasted like the salt of his tears, but they didn't mind.

"Thank you. For everything. I love you." He whispered against Toya's lips.

***

In movies, whenever the character feels bad, the sky is always grey. It rains. It's cold. You don't hear the birds chirping, or kids laughing in the distance. It's gloomy. Dull. The environment reflects their inner feelings.

Akito raised his head to the sky. Blue, with no clouds. It's hot, for an autumn day. Probably around 20 degrees Celsius. People walk around in t-shirts. Talking, laughing. Everything looks perfect, happy. Like everybody was struck with a happiness epidemic.

Excepted him.

He walks towards the school, head down. Gaze lost. He doesn't want to go back. If it were just him, he'd stay in bed all day.

"Hey, Akito!"

An ran towards him with a big smile.

"How are you?" She asked cheerfully.

Bad. I can't stop thinking about cutting. I triggered myself this morning when I saw my marks. I keep thinking about it. I can't stop. I want to do it. And I know the more I do it, the more marks I'll have, the more I'll trigger myself. But I still want to do it. The one on my thigh still hurts when I put pressure on my leg. That triggers me too. I can't fucking function normally. I want to stay in bed all day. Sleep all day. To not have to eat, to not have to work, or to see anyone. To not have to think. Cause I can't be left alone with my thoughts. They're dangerous. I wish I could sleep for years. I don't want to die, but I don't have the will to live either. I'm just a fucking mess.

"Good, I'm good. And you?" He answers.

Nobody likes someone trauma dumping on a simple "how are you" question.

***

Toya and Akito were cuddled up in Akito's bed, watching a zombie movie. A character was wounded, but her friends didn't want to leave her to die, so they brought her with them, even if it slowed them down. In the current scene, she was on the back of a friend, who was trying to run away from the zombies, but he struggled.

"I feel like that character." Said Akito.

"Hm?"

"The girl. I feel like her."

"Why?"

Toya looked confused.

"I'm wounded. And you try to take care of me. But in the end, I'm just a burden. I'll just slow you down. You should leave me."

"Oh, Aki..."

Toya took his boyfriend in his arms.

"Don't say that. You're not a weight for me. You just have some problems, but I will stay with you every step of the way. And it doesn't slow me down, it does not burden me. You make me happy. Because I love you, Aki. I wouldn't trade you for anything or anyone. You get me as no one else does."

Akito laid his head on Toya's shoulder and nodded silently.

***

Akito looked down at the sandwich in his hands. The bite he took rolls in his mouth. A wave of disgust filled his mind. The sandwich feels disgusting. The bite he's taken feels disgusting in his mouth. He forced himself to swallow with difficulty, then put his sandwich back in his bag, then in his lunchbox. Toya looked at him with confused eyes.

"You didn't even eat half of it... are you okay?"

Akito nodded, keeping his thoughts to himself.

"I'm just full."

"After three bites?" Insisted An.

Akito looked at them with a dark glare, making them stop asking questions. He looked inside his lunchbox, searching for something that might be easier to eat. Cheese, an apple, and a dessert. None of the options looked interesting enough. And no way he'd take the dessert, already feeling guilty for eating something healthy. He'd feel worse eating something sugary.

He just feels like he doesn't deserve to eat. Like it's a waste that this food goes to him. A small voice in his head keeps telling him he should just stop eating and let himself die little by little... and anyways, the feeling of food in his mouth just feels disgusting. Like his tongue felt heavy in his mouth. Swallowing felt difficult. He started feeling nauseous.

He didn't even manage to eat breakfast, while he usually always eats some.

"You sure you're okay? You know that I'm there if you need it. We can go take a walk." Whispered to Toya in his ear.

He shook his head, and stood up. Toya looked like he was about to follow him, until he said:

"I'll see you after class."

Toya sat down, concern on his features. Akito turned and walked away.

***

He ran after the ball, passing by the defenders of the opposite team. The ball is taken by someone else, who ran towards the right. Akito ran towards the left, near the net. He sees he did the right thing when he sees his teammate's side of the net full of opponents. He signals the other to pass him the ball, which he does after a few seconds. As it arrived at him, he kicked it forcefully to the net. He scores.

His teammates cheered him. He smiled towards them, thanking them.

"Knew it would be a good thing to have a soccer player in our team!" Cheered An.

"Ex-soccer player. I'm not on the team anymore." He corrected.

Out of nowhere, now that he's stopped running, he felt his right leg weakening, twitching. He quickly regained his posture, and noticed how out of breath he was. He's a sports guy, so he isn't usually out of breath from a little running. His heart was also beating fast and hard, he felt it in his temples. He put his hands on his knees to regain his breath, starting to feel dizzy.

"You okay, bro?" Asked An.

He stood up again and nodded. The sports teacher blew his whistle for the game to start again. He started running again, ignoring his dizziness. He breathed hard. He chased the ball, his running not as fast as usual. He felt like his legs were heavy, so difficult to move around as he wished. He still pushed through, refusing to be weak and stop playing.

"Akito!" Screams a teammate.

He passed him the ball, and Akito ran towards the goal, still not as fast as he wished. People caught up to him, and he tried to kick the ball forcefully, but his kick was weak. The opponents took the ball, and he cursed under his breath.

"What the fuck was that, Akito?! Come on!" Shoots an angry teammate.

Akito blinks. He notices the sides of his vision are blurred. He blinks again. He now sees dark spots. What the fuck. He tries to keep running, but his run falters. The only thing he's seeing is black.

Before he knows it, his knees buckle and he falls face-first on the ground.

"Akito!" Is the last thing he hears before passing out.

***

When he wakes up, he sees white walls and ceiling. He turns his head, and understands he's in the infirmary.

"Oh, you woke up!"

He turns his head to the left, seeing An sitting on the side of his bed.

"How are you feeling? Are you still dizzy?"

He shakes his head.

"No, no, I'm good."

"You sure? No more lying. The infirmary took your blood sugar, and said you were hypoglycemic. How long has it been since you eat a full meal?" She asks, concern on her features.

"Why are you asking me that? I just had a little weakness, I probably just ran too much in sports." He denies.

"Akito. I saw you at lunch, today and the days before. And the way you leaned over your knees? I recognized it. It's the same way Haruka would lean when she got dizzy from the lack of food."

Akito bit his lip, gaze turning away from her. Why is she pushing?

Her tone turned soft.

"I know you prefer talking to Toya, but... I'm here for you too, you know? You can talk to me too. I'm your friend, too, not just a music partner."

Akito sighed.

"Yeah... sorry."

"How long?" She asked again.

He gave in.

"A few days... This last week, eating has been difficult. The most I've eaten is half of my meals."

"Do you know why?"

He shrugs.

"Food just feels disgusting. Like my tongue feels heavy in my mouth." He half-lies.

"Just that? To the risk of repeating myself, you can tell me anything."

He pauses, hesitating.

"I don't feel like I deserve to eat. And that I enjoy food too much, while I shouldn't." He replies in a small voice.

"Akito..."

She grabs his hand.

"Bodies are literally meant to process food and we need it to do everything. We have taste buds to enjoy good food. It's how our body is made. No one should feel guilty about eating."

"I know... But I can't help it."

"It's only been one week, since you feel like that?"

"I don't know... I often skipped meals before. But it was never this bad. It pisses me off."

"Yeah..."

"It's like I always have a problem, you know? Before that, it was something else, and these days it was going better, but then this comes up. I'm just never going to be okay."

"The other thing, was it why you missed school?"

He nods.

"I don't wanna talk about it though."

"It's fine. Don't worry."

They pause.

"You know... Haruka has this problem too. I think you already know about it, but she can get pretty intense with diets. Focusing on eating things you like can help. Try having small portions, but more often. You're not alone."

"Thanks."

"I'm always there for you, bro. Just give me a call or text and I'll be there." She smiles.

He smiles back at her.

"Thank you. Same for you."

The door of the infirmary opened quickly, Toya coming in, almost running. His usually calm face was conterted in concern.

"Aki! People in your class told me you passed out! Are you okay?!"

"Yeah, no, I'm fine-"

He was cut off by Toya hugging him tight.

"You scared me."

"I know, sorry."

Toya untightened his grip, looking at Akito before kissing him. Akito threaded a hand in his blue locks.

A cough was heard from the other side of the bed. They both froze.

"So, are you guys, like, boyfriends now? Or is this just a pure bromance kiss? Like homies kissing goodnight?" Asked An.

Toya's cheeks flushed a deep red.

"No, yeah, we've been boyfriends for a few months now." Replies Akito with a smile.

"Oh my god! Congrats! We're like, Vivid Gay Squad now!" An cheers, her and Kohane being a couple already.

Akito scoffs.

***

Akito looks at his phone notes with an empty gaze. He reads the lyrics he just wrote.

止められないんだ (I can't stop it)
自分が嫌になった (I disgust myself)
すべてに疲れた (I'm tired of everything)
それを解放したいんだ (I want to release it)

He sighs. It's been more than a month since he'd cut. His gaze falls to his arms. He still has the dark red marks, though. Littered between them, white lines. A bigger white spot, where he got an infection a year ago. He did not want to go to the hospital or to tell anyone, so he removed the white gunk himself with his cutter, reopening the wound until it was cleaned. It was pretty rough, but it worked.

He'd always been like that. Dealing with his own problems alone, even if it was unsafe. He could only open up to Toya. His partner. His person. Recently he'd talked a bit with An, but he wasn't as comfortable as when he talks to his boyfriend.

And there were better days, of course. But he always comes back to this. The emptiness. The tiredness. The numbness. No matter how high the highs were, he knew it'd come back down to this. He was just waiting for it to come all crushing back down.

And the worst is that when he'd feel down, he was always falling behind the rest of the group. Couldn't sing as well, dance as well. And even though Toya told him it was fine, he always felt like he was a burden. He knew he was falling behind, but couldn't do anything about it. His presence was just fucking purposeless.

He closed his phone with a sigh. He should do something instead of rehashing the same thoughts. He noticed he kinda craves candies, but he'd already finished the bag he bought a few days ago.

Plus you ate pancakes today, which are sugary. You shouldn't be allowed to eat candies too. You'll become fat. You don't even take care of yourself. You're disgusting.

He closed his eyes. He tried to bury the feelings coming in a ball in his throat, but it was too late. The guilt was already gnawing at him from inside. At lunch, he was about to only eat a smoothie, but then after he finished it, Ena came with pancakes and ate some in front of him. It smelled so good. He couldn't resist and ate some too.

So a smoothie, plus pancakes? You ate too much. And now you're craving candies? Wow.

The guilt of eating slowly left place for another feeling to creep in. The urge to cut. He should punish himself for eating too much and craving sweets, no? That's what he deserves. Right?

He turned in his bed and curled up in a ball. Tears slowly came, wetting his bedsheets.

***

That night, he went to see a show with the squad. Everyone was enjoying their time there and dancing, screaming and singing, but him. An was dancing with Kohane's hands in hers, both singing and laughing. Toya was calmer, but still enjoyed himself. Akito forced himself to smile, but inside, he was numb.

He tried and tried to have fun with them and laugh at the jokes the performers made, but he was just truly empty. Hollow. He just wanted to leave, but he knew they'd ask why if he did. No matter how he tried to have fun, he was always a beat behind, as if a wall separated him from the others.

Why was he always like that? Why couldn't he have fun? Everyone was having fun. Everyone, but him. Why? What the fuck was wrong with him?

His therapist said to try to take time to enjoy the little things of life, but life just seemed meaningless. Everything was pointless. And he was alone in this, cruelly alone. No matter how many people were around him, he was still alone.

The thing is, he wanted to enjoy this time with his friends. He wanted to enjoy the little things of life. He wanted to laugh and sing and dance, to be carefree and happy.

But he couldn't. Just couldn't. He never could. He was stuck like this.

"You okay? You seemed... off." Asked Toya when they came back to his house.

"I just, you know... I keep feeling so empty. I don't know why, it always comes back to this. I think maybe I'm meant to be this way. It's just tough, you know? Like... What's the point of living if each day is spent feeling empty?"

Toya stepped closer to him, concern in his eyes.

"Do you think about- about-"

He looked so anxious. Akito's heart broke. He took his boyfriend in his arms.

"Of course not. I want to stay with you. You don't have to be worried. I don't... I'm not like that anymore."

At first, Toya decompressed, relieved, but at his last sentence, he took Akito's shoulders in his hands, looking at him with a concerned frown.

"What... what do you mean, not anymore?"

"I was like that some years ago. But not anymore, so it's okay."

Toya's eyes were shifting from place to place, blinking rapidly.

"Did you... Did you ever try?" He asked with a small voice, seemingly about to break.

Akito took an inhale, then nodded. Toya's hand smashed against his mouth, gasping. His eyes were full of tears. The ginger's gaze fell to the ground, avoiding looking at the other.

"I'm not proud of it. I was in a really dark place. But then, the last time... you texted me. And I realized I couldn't leave you. So I stopped myself before it was too late."

"Last- Last time?!" Toya exclaimed. "It happened more than once?!" His voice broke.

Akito exhaled. "I'm sorry..."

"Aki, I wanna know. When was it?"

"..."

"Aki, please. I need to know."

"Last time was two years ago. The third of October. The first... I was eight."

Toya gasped, sobbing. His knees buckled and he sat on the bed.

"Eight? Aki... How... Why..."

"I'm sorry. I'm a mess. I'm really sorry, Toya."

"No, it's okay, it's not your fault. I just... I need a moment to process this."

Akito nodded, and sat at his side. After a moment, his boyfriend turned and hugged him.

"I love you, Aki. I want us to grow old together. Don't you dare die before you get white hair. Promise me you won't."

"Okay. I won't. I promise." Whispered Akito, tightening his grip. "I love you, Toya."

"I love you too, Aki. A lot."

***

"Do you want to go to that pancake place you like a lot?" Asked Toya.

Akito shrugged.

"If you want to."

They walk to the restaurant, and order pancakes. Akito's stomach rumbles at the smell of food: the only thing he'd eaten that day was an apple and a coffee.

Their plates arrive. Akito's one has a mountain of fruits on top, syrup, chocolate, and whipped cream. He salivates. When he takes the first bite, he closes his eyes. It tastes so good.

He starts eating rapidly, putting bite after bite in his mouth. He did not realize how hungry he was until then.

Toya chuckles.

"I see you're enjoying the food?" He says.

Akito looks at his plate. He ate almost all of it, while it was so big. The bite in his mouth starts feeling heavy, and time seems to slow down. He realizes how gluttonous he just was, devouring so many pancakes that way. His bite rolls in his mouth. He tries to swallow it, but felt nauseous. He stops, rolls it another time in his mouth, then tries again. This time it passes, with difficulty. He feels as if the food is stuck in his throat. Nausea floods him.

"I gotta go to the bathroom real quick." He says. Toya nods, and he almost runs to the bathroom. He kneels before the toilet seat, nauseous.

Am I really about to do this?

He thinks again of the full plate he just ate, and guilt fills him. He opens his mouth and makes his throat squeeze in a way that makes his lunch come back out. He coughs as he vomits, acid burning his throat.

He instantly feels lighter, better. He flushes the toilet and rinses his mouth in the sink, splashing water on his face.

When he comes back, Toya smiles at him.

"I'm glad you liked the pancakes."

He takes his hand in his.

"Merry Christmas, Aki."

***

Akito looked down at the fresh marks on his arm. He sighed. It wasn't even bleeding much; these last times, it was hard to make them bleed. He'd heard that scar tissue had less blood flow. That must be it. Should he change the place where he harmed himself? It was always on his arms, but if it wasn't even bleeding anymore, maybe he should change the placement. Like an old rag you've got to change after it gets too many holes. That was it. His arms had more holes than fabric left. Time to change it.

It had been a long time since he did it. Like, two and a half months. But again, fuck, again, he came back to it. Why did he always come back to this? Why couldn't he heal and just stop doing that? Yeah, sure, he'd done it all of his life, in a way or another. But still, people change, right? Why couldn't he? He wanted to change. He wanted to change so fucking bad. But he couldn't.

It's as if the harm was an old friend he always came back to; it was easy to come back to it. Comforting, in a sense. It's something he knew well. Something that was engraved in him, quite literally.

Was he just doomed? Should he just, what, stop hoping? Stop wishing for a change and for things to get better? Was it even possible to change, to become someone that's just- happy? He doubted it was. Cause no matter how hard he tried, he always, always came back to this.

So, again, he hugged his old friend, and took his blade to cut deeper.