Chapter Text
Cater had his first crush at the insufferable age of twelve.
He was all hormones, full of reckless teenager behavior and staring at his neighbor through the window never felt so fun. His neighbor, front door blonde guy, was older than him by five or six years. College boy, full of life. Completely out of Cater’s league.
Cater used to watch him clean his new car — a parting gift from his father, to start college off with something nice. He had seen it all, from his window. Cater saw the way his crush blushed and laughed. He was cute, so cute.
Sometimes, when it rained and Cater couldn't ride his skateboard around the block, he would sit by his window and listen to his crush playing the guitar. It was because of older blonde cute neighbor that he got a thing for guitars and started to play it himself. Cheers to that!
It wasn't going to last, Cater knew. It wasn't going to happen, either. Which was good, he knew it now, but his 12 year old self thought it was a shame that his first kiss wasn't with college blonde guy.
Cater moved again. Another city, another school, another crush.
At the age of fifteen, everything felt terrible and seeing his new girl crush got asked out by some third year dude made him burst out of the cafeteria and hide in the bathroom stalls, trying so hard not to cry.
Girly crush brunette girl was from the other first year class. She was beautiful, with braided hair and chestnut eyes. She smiled at Cater sometimes, and laughed at his joke when they had joined P.E classes. Cater dreamt of her at night; her hands, her hair, her perfume. He felt like dying the next morning, but it was painfully sweet.
His friends said he should ask her out. What was the worst thing that could happen? Get a “no”? That’s bullshit, he already had that.
But he never got the chance to ask her, not when she got herself a boyfriend older than her and so much prettier than him.
What a terrible luck!
But it wasn't going to last, either.
Cater was moving again. So long, chestnut eyes!
Trey Clover was everything Cater wanted and everything that he couldn't have.
Which happened often, he shouldn't be affected by now, but being sixteen didn't give him a lot of perspective.
Trey was nice. His greenish hair was soft and Cater liked his glasses. Trey was funny, he was a good friend — but that was all that he was ever going to be.
Cater tried to kiss him. It was impulsive, it was wrong. He felt his heart drop when Trey held him by his wrist and said sorry. Trey’s golden eyes showed him what Cater despised the most: pity.
“I’m sorry, Cater. I don't see you like this. You're a good friend and I appreciate you a lot, but my heart beats for another person.” Trey caressed his face with cold fingers, showering him with a love he didn't deserve or even wanted. “Are you okay? I’ll give you some space, if you need it. I won't be upset.”
Cater wanted to scream and shout and hit Trey, but he smiled and said it was all good! He totally understood! Trey gently smiled at him and patted his head before moving to the kitchen and Cater felt all his bones on fire — but not for feeling good. It wasn't that tenderly feeling, often described in love stories, actually, it was the complete opposite. It was a burning sensation. Pure wrath, pure devastation.
He didn't hate Trey… How could he? He hated himself for never being good enough. For not being lucky. For being Cater Diamond.
He hated himself and hated himself and hated himself… And hated himself even more because he couldn't, for the life of him, get over Trey.
But it wasn't going to last. It never did.
Two months after that fateful night, Trey told Cater he was dating Jade Leech, some tall guy from Octavinelle.
Cater teased Trey for his heart content, and laughed together with him till midnight.
When Trey left, Cater flopped down into his bed and cried himself to sleep.
He made a promise to never get a crush again.
At eighteen, he thought he was fine.
He was wrong.
Cater didn't know how, or when, Vil Shoenheit stole his heart, but it wasn't all that hard to understand.
From the beginning, he knew it wasn't going to work out. Vil was a supermodel, a famous guy. He ruled Pomefiore like a pro. He was smart and cunning and Cater was… well, Cater.
He faked his personality to make people like him. Sometimes, it was hard to know who he really was. Fake it til you make it, right? But make what? Somewhere along the way, Cater lost track of himself, of things that should matter. All that time, he could only think low of himself and how things would be better if he were different. But why couldn't he be? He didn't know.
And liking Vil Shoenheit didn't help at all.
Vil wasn't single to begin with. He was dating Rook Hunt, a creepy but funny guy from their class, vice-housewarden of Pomefiore. Bob blonde hair. Kinda hot.
Cater wondered why Rook Hunt could receive love and he couldn't. What was so wrong with him that he never found love where he was searching for?
It never crossed his mind that maybe, he was looking for love in wrong directions — in wrong people.
Malleus Draconia came around in the weirdest way possible — as expected of him, actually.
“Diamond, do you know where Lilla is?” That was their first ever interaction after graduating together two years ago. Cater was also looking for Lilia, since that lunatic little bat decided to just disappear out of thin air right after their first ever concert.
“I have no idea, I thought he was with you!” Cater whined, tucking his hair behind his ear. He looked around, seeing a sea of unknown faces and tried not to freak out. Lilia wouldn't let them down. He hoped so.
Leather Jacket was the name of the bar they were going to perform at. Lilia found them by accident on Magicam and sent a message to their manager, who seemed really enthusiastic. The owner was a nice guy, chubby and balding, with what Cater supposed was a mustache. Lilia didn't really give them a chance. He simply announced in the Pop Music Club group chat that they were going to perform three weeks from that day. Kalim was excited, as always, even though Jamil didn't seem to agree. Cater was all for it, but not because he was actually excited for the performance, but because he wanted to get out of his misery, even for a little bit.
After graduating, Cater continued on his influencer style. He posted every day, went out to get to know new places, cafés and restaurants that were dying to get more guests. His whole life was online, everyone could see where he was, what he was doing. The fake smiles, the loud laughs — it was all for the show, all for the sake of a few likes. Cater kinda hated himself for it, but what else could he do?
Sometimes, he remembers some conversations he had with Riddle back at school. Riddle always had his life figured out, of course, that came with a huge price, but… Cater envied him so much… Riddle knew what he wanted, he could get mad whenever he wanted, he ruled Heartslabyul like it was easy. Riddle had friends, people who truly loved him, even when he was mean and rude and a little bit annoying. Riddle had everything. Why couldn't Cater? Why? Just why?
He remembers those conversations and remembers the way Riddle looked at him, as if he was trying to figure out some real difficult puzzle. Riddle would say some stupid things like “You should study more, Cater, you know if you fail, it’s off with your head!” or “Do you know what you want to do for your internship? Something related to technology? Maybe you should try talking to Idia". Riddle wanted to help, but all Cater felt was anger. Sometimes, he felt like a monster — Riddle wasn't doing it on purpose, he was trying to help. Riddle was actually nice when you got to know him. He cared. Cater hated him sometimes.
“Earth to Cater! Are you still with us, dude?”
Snapping back to reality, Cater blinked and only now realized he was staring at the wall. He felt his neck burn and laughed. Lilia was looking at him with curiosity.
“Lilia! Where the hell have you been?!” Jamil called out, throwing his arms around. Kalim smiled apologetically.
“Sorry, I had to get a real important call.” Lilia winked and Cater furrowed his eyebrows.
“Oh? Are you, perhaps, dating someone, Lilia-chan?”
Lilia giggled, but didn't answer. He was saved by the manager calling them to get on stage.
“Don't think you’re getting away, Lilia-chan, I wanna know everything.”
Kalim hugged them, throwing his arms over their shoulders.
“Let’s have fun!”
Every time Cater got on stage, he felt like a pure rock star. Playing the guitar was one of the few things he really enjoyed and seeing all those people jumping around and having fun to what he was doing was nice.
When Cater Diamond was on stage, he felt like he finally had control.
Lilia, as the main vocalist, introduced themselves, cheering the crowd on. Cater could see some known faces, like Deuce and Ace, alongside Sebek and Silver. What surprised him the most was the fact that Idia Shroud was beside Silver, holding his hand and looking ready to pass out or ran away — knowing him, it was probably both.
Kalim started the song, setting the time with his drums. Lilia followed and Cater right after, adding the electric guitar to the party.
They sang and they shouted, bringing people from the crowd on stage. They had fun.
Malleus was also there.
From time to time, Cater would see his green eyes flashing through the crowd. He felt watched, like some prey. Malleus’s eyes were always intimidating, but under the flashing lights, it felt even more predatory. Cater felt himself flush.
“We’re going for our last song of the night! I wanna thank every single one of you for having us tonight!” Lilia grinned while jumping around the stage. He stopped right beside Cater. “Give it up for our guitarist, will ya? This is Cater Diamond!”
The crowds applauded and Cater showed off his skills a little bit.
“Thank you, guys! Make sure to follow me on Magicam!” He shouted into the mic, smirking at the pictures being taken.
Lilia smacked his ass and followed to Kalim.
“Now, a round of applause to Kalim, our drummer!” The crowd cheered. Some girl yelled “cute” very loudly. Cater smirked again, imagining Jamil wanting to rip his hair off. “Now, now, I know he is very cute, but ladies and gentlemen, unfortunately for you, he is very much taken.”
Kalim’s face was as red as his beanie and he was opening and closing his mouth like a fish. Cater wished he could see Jamil's face backstage. Cater chuckled and started to play the intro for the last song.
Lilia went back to his place, not holding the microphone anymore. The lights now were dimmed, almost gentle. The vibes changed. They always sang about funny things, about parties and enjoying life to its fullest, but for the last song, it was always a love song.
Lilia's voice fit the song. It was deep and every time he sang, it felt like he knew the meaning to all those words. Cater had never fallen in love. He had crushes on people and grew an obsessive interest for them, but the L word was out of his reach. Lilia, on the other hand, had. He told Cater so, in one of the many times they had meetings outside school. Lilia said it was nice, being in love, but every time he told things about that person and their relationship, it felt like torture.
Cater wanted to be loved, but he never wanted to love someone.
The song finally came to an end. The lights were almost dying, the spotlight only shining on them, leaving the rest of the stage in the dark.
Flowers were thrown on stage and they said their goodbyes and left, ignoring the chants for more. Always leave them wanting more, was Lilia’s motto.
“What the hell was that?!” Jamil stormed in, his face still pretty much flushed. Carter giggled and Lilia shrugged.
“Isn't it true? I remember very well that time when I walked into you guys making out…”
Kalim held onto Jamil, trying to calm him down, but his cheeks were scarlet.
“It's okay, Jamil! It was just a joke!” Kalim laughed, hugging Jamil’s waist.
Jamil sighed and turned around, staring at Kalim now. Kalim was still holding his waist and for someone so angry about people thinking they were dating, Jamil didn't seem to mind it all at all. He was cleaning the mashed make up on Kalim's face while Kalim asked if he did a great job.
Cater didn't understand their relationship at all. Even back at school, they were always together. They all knew Jamil was some kind of babysitter, but if someone really looked at them, they could see the love blooming like flowers in Spring. For what Cater could see, they had always loved each other, but things weren't always as simple as that. Love didn't change anything.
Malleus showed up, together with Sebek and Silver (which was pulling Idia by his hand). They greeted each other and Cater felt arms holding him. His stupid kouhais were there, hugging him.
“Ace-chan, Deuce-chan, long time no see! Are you alright?” Cater patted their heads, following them to the bar, letting them buy him a drink.
“We’re fine, Cater-senpai! You guys rock! It was so cool!” Deuce was like a puppy, handing him drinks after drinks.
“Yeah, senpai, I never went to one of your concerts back in school, I didn't know you guys were that good!” You could always count on Ace to say some bullshit.
“Ace, that's not nice!”
“Like a care! Cater-senpai is not a flower!”
Cater chuckled and got his phone to take a picture. He got Deuce and Ace to stop fighting for a bit, and posted the picture on Magicam: #TheShowWasGreat #IsntMyKouhaisCute?
“Is it true that Jamil-senpai and Kalim-senpai are dating?” Ace asked, elbows on the counter, looking a little bit drunk.
“I don't know, what do you think?”
“I thought they were dating for years!” Deuce chimed in, downing his shot of vodka.
“I think you guys should hold your drink a little bit.”
“Hey, isn't that Lilia-senpai and… Leona-senpai?”
Cater moved so fast he felt a whiplash.
“What?!”
If he hadn't moved around so fast, he would've lost them, but here they were, leaving the bar while holding hands.
Cater’s jaw dropped and he got his phone, sending messages to Lilia non-stop. When did that start to happen and why Lilia never mentioned it before?
“What the hell!” Cater whispered. “This is what I call an unusual couple.”
“Maybe they’re not a couple, maybe they're just fucking.” Ace shrugged, asking for another round of drinks.
“Can't you be any more shameful? Stop that!” Deuce was blushing. He was so cute. Cater pinched his cheek. “What was that for?!”
“Only you could say something like that, well, you and Riddle-chan, is no surprise you were his favorite back then.”
Deuce blushed even more, avoiding Cater’s gaze.
Ace started to laugh really loudly, throwing himself into Deuce.
“Don't you know, senpai? Deuce is in love with Riddle-ryochou!”
“Ace, shut up!”
“Since when?” Cater cried out, getting a little closer to them.
“Since forever!” Ace smirked. “They were talking, by the way. I saw the messages.”
“Shit up, shut up, shut up!” Deuce’s cheeks were so red it could start a fire. He threw a punch into Ace’s shoulder, which caused the red-head to cry out and flick Deuce’s forehead.
Cater left, knowing that they would be okay. He was a little bit speechless with everything that he learned that night.
Lilia and Leona, LL; Loser One and Loser Two. Deuce and Riddle, DR; Troublesome Guy One, Troublesome Guy Two.
What was happening to his friends and why were they all in love?
“Diamond, is that you?”
Cater was standing outside the bar, holding a pack of cigarettes. He didn't always smoke, only when he was in a mood for it. After being on stage, he always wanted a cigarette.
“Heya, Malleus-chan! Do you want some?” He offered the cigarette, eyeing Malleus.
He scoffed, as if he was offended.
“It is not good for your health. You shouldn't smoke.”
Cater rolled his eyes and lit the cigarette.
“Lilia-chan left you behind, didn't he?”
Malleus stared at him, still a little afar from Cater.
“He did not leave me behind, he simply left with another person. He told me about it.”
“Right, Sebek-chan and Silver-chan are still here.”
“I’m not going home with them. Silver is going to Shroud’s house and Sebek is staying with Trappola and Spade.”
“Oh? I didn't know they were still friends.”
“They are. But Sebek is dating Trappola.”
Cater choked with his own saliva. He started to cough, his eyes filling with tears. Malleus hit his back while holding his shoulder. Cater didn't even notice when he got closer.
“Diamond, are you okay?”
“Wh-” He coughed again; his cigarette fell to the ground. “What do you mean they are dating?!”
“You didn't know?”
“Of course not! Oh my god!” Cater closed his eyes, breathing slowly, feeling his lungs hurt a little bit. Malleus was still holding his shoulder.
“I thought you knew.”
“I don't know what is happening with my friends. They are all falling in love!”
“Is that a bad thing?”
Cater stared at Malleus, trying to figure out if he was serious. Of course he was.
“Is it?” Asked him again.
Cater didn't know what to answer.
“I don't know. Maybe.”
“Why do you think so?”
Cater got another cigarette and lit it. Malleus let him go, but stayed at his side, looking at him with curiosity. The street lights weren't good, but Cater could see enough; Malleus was wearing black from head to toe, his hair was tugged back into a ponytail and his dark makeup had glitter in it. He was so beautiful, it was almost ethereal. Cater blew some smoke.
“I don't know.” He knew, but he wouldn't say his true opinion to Malleus. He barely knew the guy.
“You're lying.”
Cater laughed.
“What do you know about me to say so freely that I am lying?”
Malleus held his gaze. Those gorgeous green eyes were met with intense emerald eyes. Green into green. A lie and a liar.
“Well, it’s good for them, I guess.”
“Have you ever been in love?”
That question caught him off guard. Cater puffed out some smoke and looked to the sky, the house of the stars and all their mystery.
“Well, aren't you bold, Malleus-chan?” Cater smirked. “I haven't. Have you?”
“No.”
They stayed silent after that.
“Do you want to?” It was Cater’s time to ask. His voice was low, barely a whisper. Malleus was staring at the sky, just like him.
“Maybe.” Cater hummed. “Do you?”
“Maybe.”
There wasn't any conversation after that. Cater smoked his cigarette and Malleus stood there, staring at the sky, lost in thoughts.
They didn't speak, but Malleus followed him home and waited until Cater was inside to simply disappear. Malleus didn't say goodbye.
Cater always thought he had to talk all the time for people to like him. If he wasn't speaking, how would people acknowledge him? He didn't want to be a ghost.
But with Malleus, it was different. Malleus wasn't a normal person, per se, but Cater didn't have the need to speak out of obligation. They had a simple silence. Not awkward. Just… quiet and comfortable.
The next morning, there was a message with an unknown number to his phone: Hello, Diamond, good morning. Lilia gave me your number. I hope you don't mind.