Archive of Our Own

It hurt. It hurt so badly he could barely breathe.

People said it gets better, that it hurts less with every passing day. 'Time heals' they said, but people were stupid in that sense.

Both times he had found it impossible to move, after the anger, after the bargaining, it came an emptiness so heavy and cold it felt like rocks pressing down on his chest. One would think Nya's death was a type of pain he couldn't experience twice, she was his blood, he raised her, it had always been only the two of them. He was sorely mistaken.

Because at the end of the day, even she had accepted Lloyd as part of their siblinghood. She had risked as much, loved as much, cared as much, promised as much as he had. So she didn't blink when she saw Kai traversing the hallways of the monastery in the dead of night, wearing a green hoodie, eyes puffy and lifeless. She simply followed him into the Green Ninja's room and sat with him in the darkness, silently mourning what they had lost.

Lloyd was her little brother too, and it had all happened too fast.

The green ninja was supposed to be invincible, he had come back time and time again from the very edge... But this time, this time it was so sudden. So abrupt. One second they were celebrating in disbelief, he was just that good. 'Never doubt the green ninja.' until his body started shaking and cracking, a dim glow bleeding from the scales, consuming slowly until it became too much for its vessel to contain.

One second he was his brother, the next nothing but light scattered all over. Like fireworks during a funeral. Beautiful yet out of place, pretty yet inappropriate. As the light flickered and died when it hit the ground, he realized... He might not see Lloyd ever again.

And that was the part that hurt the most. They had cheated death before, but it wasn't a guarantee.

Jay was in complete negation, Cole and Zane remained hopeful yet you could tell they had their own doubts and reservations. After all, Zane couldn't feel him anymore and that was more than sentence enough.

Nya was equally distraught, but ever the resilient and strong woman she was, she decided to focus that pain on her job as a ninja. The training hours doubled, even Jay was getting sort of worried, but from the outside you couldn't even tell she spent most nights crying alongside him or alone in her own room in the quietest way she could.

Everyone, though, was profoundly concerned about him.

Once fiery and explosive, now he could barely get out of bed most mornings. To their credit, they gave him all the time he needed while still trying to force him into movie nights and some missions. But with how distracted he was and how sluggish his movements were becoming, they soon determined he was more of a risk to himself going with them than staying home. And he preferred it.

Not that he didn't miss the wind in his face, racing the others across rooftops, laughing and sharing with them. He just missed Lloyd being a part of it all, so he couldn't stand the thought of even trying.

He never knew that it was going to be the last time.

The last time talking, the last time joking, the last time fighting, the last hug, the last smile, the last of... Them. Had he known, he probably would have done things differently.

Maybe he wouldn't have been able to avoid him grabbing the weapon, maybe he couldn't have saved him. But he would have made sure to commit every 'last time' to memory. It wouldn't be close to the real thing, ever. The way the room lit up whenever Lloyd was in it, calm yet welcoming energy flooding the walls and making everyone feel warm and whole.

He always was the glue, who unified them after Zane's death, who made sure everyone stuck together even after their differences, who led them in battle and protected them even outside it. He couldn't bear the thought of never feeling him again.

So he had started sleeping in his room and wearing his things. It was gradual at first, maybe a couple hours, maybe just taking his favorite hoodie. No one would notice and if they did his grief was far too great to even compete with his embarrassment.

It had become routine, now everyone knew where to find him.

It didn't mean they had stopped trying, Cole tried to bribe him out with pranks they could pull on Jay who was most certainly in it with some dumb plan to make him smile at his expense. Zane offered food and video games, Nya just a different place to hang out and talk, a change of scenery. He rejected all.

Even Wyldfire had tried to drag him out by threatening to burn the door down, but in the end, the respect and love she and the other kids had for their master weighed more.

The room had basically become a sanctuary, a sanctuary only Kai dared defile with his turmoil and anger.

He had grown accustomed to it, the darkness, the silence, the solitude, weeks went by like this... They left him alone most nights, some others they went on missions and the whole monastery felt more like a graveyard than a home.

Tonight was one of those nights and he curled on Lloyd's bed, eyes dry after having wasted every single tear, prepared to spend the next hours until sunrise in sleepless, thoughtless, joyless stupor. Begging for a miracle he wasn't sure would ever happen, trying, for the umpteenth time to say goodbye.

Until the door cracked open.

That was weird, no one was supposed to be here. Even the kids were out for the night, doing who knows what.

Well, it was not his problem. They were probably just checking on him, they would leave if he pretended to be asleep for long enough. So that's what he did, closing his eyes and doing everything in his power to keep his breathing from stuttering.

Then, footsteps.

Huh, they usually stopped at the door. Unless it was Nya, but it didn't sound like her. Something heavy dragging behind every step.

Maybe it was one of the bad guys? Had they come to take advantage of his time down? It was tempting to let them, but he couldn't give his brothers and sister another heartbreak. So he willed every last drop of his reflexes to wake so he could at least escape to mourn another day.

He was about to pounce, when a sudden weight fell on top of him? Was that- a human body? Wha- who-

The other person yelped.

And he could have sworn that voice- no. No, it couldn't be-

"What-"-the body stumbled backwards and fell heavily to the ground, clashing against the floorboards.-"what the hell- Kai!?"

He finally opened his eyes. Ashen amber locking on glowing green. Impossible.

Not entirely sure if his heart or his body jumped harder, he sat up on the bed staring in complete disbelief at the figure in front of him.

It was... Definitely Lloyd. Right? Though he didn't remember his little brother having both dragon horns and a tail. Were his fangs always so big?

"Lloyd..."-he gasped out, and it sounded odd on the tip of his tongue. Like a forbidden name he never thought he would call ever again.-"is it... is it really you?"

The blonde cocked his head to the side, one brow arched as...his... Tail swayed curiously behind him.

"Yeah? Who- who else would I be?"-he blinked, finally downing on him the situation he was in.-"are you okay? You look like-"

He didn't let him finish, he knew he probably looked as bad as he felt if not worse, so he didn't wanna hear it.

What he wanted to do, though, was hold him so tight he would never get the chance to vanish right in front of him ever again.

And so he did, Lloyd's thin body always fit so well between his arms, like he had always belonged there. And perhaps it did, Garmadon himself be damned, Lloyd was his the exact second he pulled him out of that volcano. And much like with Nya, there was no force in the entirety of Ninjago that could pry him away from his hands a second time.

He was back, warm and real and he couldn't entirely believe it until the younger let out a small whimper and he had to back away just enough to assess his current state.

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry- are you okay?"

"Yeah, yeah, I'm fine, don't worry. Just sore, haha-"

He said that, but looking at him more closely, he definitely didn't come back unscathed.

Besides the obvious extra limbs, he had bruises and cuts all over. None seemed deep, but they would definitely leave a mark if left unchecked. However he had gotten here, it wasn't easy and it wasn't without a cost.

He didn't realize how frantically he was looking him over, until Lloyd chuckled again grabbing at his hand.

"Calm down, Kai. I'm not going anywhere."

"Like hell you are!"

"I was only out for a few hours, it couldn't have been so bad."

He stopped, gaining an incredulous expression from him.

"Hours?"-so that was it, wherever he was, whatever had happened to him, it had felt like hours, not the dreadful unending three weeks he had painstakingly walked through hallways like a ghost.-"Lloyd you have... No idea how long it's been, do you?"

"Well, no, not exactly... It was just... Really dark and cold, time was very hard to grasp."

"Oh, bud..."-he hugged him again, bracing for the look of pure brokenheartedness he was going to get.-"you've been... Dead for weeks now."

He could only hear a small gasp and feel his shoulders tense under his hold.

When it finally registered on him how bad this situation had been, Lloyd's whole demeanor changed from slightly confused and tired to absolutely exhausted and sad.

So long, he had been away for so long. Caused so much trouble, so much pain, he wasn't plenty conscious of how bad his death could have been. The impact it could have, until he looked at how pale and wrong Kai seemed.

He could cry if he thought too hard about it, he wanted to in fact but maybe his brother's sorrow was too heavy to add his own on top, so he forced a weak smile.

"I'm... So sorry, Kai, I never thought I'd..."-he deflated instantly, gaze falling to his lap as his elongated nails scratched the fabric of his pants absentmindedly.

"Honestly I would be lying if I didn't say I am a bit pissed... You keep running into trouble headfirst with no regard for what that does to you. Time and time again."

"I..."-he lowered his head, like a kicked puppy. It was kind of hard to stay mad at him.-"it's just... I'm the green ninja, I'm supposed to..."

"Yeah, yeah, the chosen one, our great saviour, blah, blah, blah."-he numbered with his fingers, before shaking his head and placing his hand atop blond strands.-"you're also our little brother and the kid's Sensei. It's time you start acting like your life is worth anything more than being a meat shield, shortie."

"I know, I... I am truly..."

"But."

Hopeful eyes, holding back tears came up. He was already an adult, even taking Tomorrow's tea into account, a Master and a powerful warrior. But still he managed to look just like the little kid he once was, confused about his destiny and place on the team, unsure about his own value outside prophecy and conflict.

"I would be such a hypocrite if I didn't admit... You might have gotten that from me."-he laughed, the first real, although soft, laugh he had managed to pull out of his chest since this all started. He ruffled his hair.

"Well, you are quite fond of the theatrics."

"Doesn't mean you have my permission to pull this stunt on us again."

"Wasn't planning on it."-he sniffled, wiping away unshed tears with the heel of his hand. Then placing it back on his lap, hesitating.-"can... Can I hug you again?"

He looked almost remorseful, like suddenly he understood why his body was so heavy, why he felt longing for what he thought had only been a few hours lost. Why he missed his home, his siblings, his students so much.

Even if he himself didn't know how bad it had been, his whole soul yearned for the place where he belonged. Even if they were mad at him for having left them.

"Of course you can. Come here."-it was Kai who opened his arms first, allowing him to dive in and take as much time and closeness as he needed.

Discreetly burying his face against his shoulder, drinking him in. Oh, he wouldn't be leaving him out of his sight any time soon. Not a chance. How had he missed this.

However long they were in that same position for, it certainly wasn't enough for both of them. But when Lloyd shifted uncomfortably after putting too much pressure on one of his wounds he knew it was time to stop.

"Alright, to bed, big shot."

"Yes, please, I'm dying to crash out for the night-"

"No dying."

"No dying."

"And also you still gotta let me check up on those, what the hell happened to you?"-he gestured towards his torso where the biggest blood stain sat.

"Honestly no clue..."-he looked down at himself, lifting the Gi's fabric just enough to see his marred skin.-"like I said... It was just darkness, then I opened my eyes and I was alone. Walked all the way here, I couldn't stop."

"And it's a long walk."-he helped him up, carefully leading him to the mattress.-"No wonder you look like Samurai X walked all over you."

As he placed him, extremely conscious of the small hiss the youngest let out he inadvertently brushed his hand against the long, thick tail.

Lloyd was part dragon, and he was no stranger to growing one himself in his dragon form... But if Lloyd was dragoned-up shouldn't he also? Where was the armor? Or was this like, a different, chosen one type of situation?

In any case, it wasn't an unwelcomed change.

Big, wooden horns with glowing cracks all over, power seeping through them. Bright green scales with a soft golden glow, it was mesmerizing. And at the very tip, teal green and yellow feathers gently swished against the covers. He wondered if Master Wu or the First Spinjitzu Master ever looked this otherworldly.

"These are new."

"Yeah, there's really a lot going on with me I don't fully understand... But dead people don't grow new limbs so-"

"Haha, I'll take it as a good sign I suppose."-He started taking off the top layer on autopilot, it was all so natural. Like bandaging him up after a normal training, as if the weeks of darkness were just a dream.-"Damn, Greenie... That weapon messed you up bad."

Gashes, all over his abdomen, and arms, not actively bleeding but, judging by the trails of dried red, they were at some point. Maybe they were closing up on their own, some kind of ancient-creature regeneration capabilities? After all, dragons were almost immortal, right?

"It's like you are slowly stitching yourself back together."-he thought out loud, gaining a small incredulous smile.

"Do you think it's some kind of 'Element of Life' business?"

"Whatever it is, we should clean them just in case. You still have that first aid kid?"-the brunette looked around the room.

"P.I.X said it was mandatory."-Lloyd signaled past his shoulder at a small drawer.-"Should be there unless Sora snuck in to take it again."

"Eh, It's just been me and Nya around here."-It felt wrong to say it so lightly, but, it should be fine- It should. He was here now, no reason for Kai to not bounce back, right?-"got it."

"How... How is she?"-he scratched at his lap again, either the nails were very uncomfortable or he had unblocked a new fidgeting habit.-"I... I hope she isn't too mad."

"Mad?"-crouching down back in front of him, he started rummaging for what he would be needing.

"Yeah, I- you guys swore to protect me and I keep making it more and more difficult."

"You do..."-he answered without thinking, but when Lloyd shrunk he recovered instantly.-"...I- I mean! It's- it's your job I s'ppose, we don't really blame ya for it."

His chest tightened. He didn't, at least he didn't think so. Still he uncapped the rubbing alcohol with slightly more force than he should, making its contents splash slightly on the floor.

"But she was... Heartbroken. We all were."-Lloyd nodded solemnly, green shadowed by guilt.-"you know her, she quadrupled down on training and started building all sorts of new vehicles. Honestly I'm jealous of how productive she is when she's sad."

"I'm..."-he clenched his fists.

"No need to keep apologizing, Green bean. I know, I'm just answering your question."-perhaps it was too dry of a response, but he was too preoccupied dabbing the wet cotton ball on his skin as carefully as he could.-"they'll be returning in the morning, you can apologize to them then if you want to. But I'm sure they're gonna be so happy it'll be impossible for anyone to actually understand why you're saying sorry."

"I'd still like to do so..."-When Kai looked up to catch his meek expression, he couldn't avoid also noticing how insistently he was trying to avoid his gaze.

He didn't have the energy to push though and if he was really pissed about something, it could wait. Right now, his little brother was right in front of him.

Not a picture, not a statue, not an empty altar with nothing real to mourn. But someone with a heartbeat, that breathed and winced like the one he thought completely lost.

"Ouch."

"You good?"-he blinked up, stopping his hand from pressing down on the wound he was tending.

"It's nothing, just stings a little. And it's kinda cold."

"Well, next time you decide to explode on me, remember that."

"You're evil."

"I know."

They chuckled and the room felt full.

"...'kay. That should do it."-he backed off a little, admiring his work.-"If you're truly healing yourself with your magical lizard powers, you shouldn't need stitching, still I'll check in a couple hours just to be sure."

"Thanks doctor Kai, not my usual doc, but a perfectly fine replacement."-he traced a hand across his pale skin, nails trailing softly but still leaving a mark.

"I'll make sure to tell Zane he has been let down from his job at the med bay then."-he looked down at the tail, that now hung limply off the bed and by his side.-"Should I take a look at it too?"

"Hm... I'm not sure. It doesn't hurt, it's just heavy."-the limb lifted slowly, moving itself until it slapped Kai in the face, dragging down until it fell in his lap.-"Dang. I also don't know how it works."

"Sigh, well, it's not the first time I've been disrespected like this by a dragon."-he picked at it with two fingers.-"nor will it be the last."

Admiring the scales there wasn't anything that looked outright wrong with them, they glowed faintly, pulsing at the rhythm of his heart. But there were no cuts or bruises, tho it would take some time to get accustomed to. The thing was big and no doubt it would take maneuvering to accommodate, but with a little extra care not to step on it, it shouldn't be that big of an issue moving forward.

He found himself petting it absentmindedly, perhaps his hands still remembered the sensation of the elemental dragons and it wasn't all too different.

It was amazing and kind of depressing too, how his body could miss something without entertaining a thought. And how that something was usually friends that had either changed or died in battle, found their own ways, never to be seen again.

"Eh- Kai? What are you doing?"-gold strands fell to the side accompanying the tilting of his head.

"Ah, sorry, got lost in thought. Doesn't seem too banged up, so I guess we could call it a night."-he stood up in one swift movement, ignoring the slight dizziness that came either from his age or the exhaustion finally catching up to him. He hadn't been the one that died and made himself a new body of thin air, but might as well have been.

"Finally! I feel like I could sleep til next-"

As a cruel joke of fate, his stomach growled, loud and unashamed, demanding with no regards for how defeated he looked or felt.

"Well, we can't just let you starve."

"I'm fine, Kai, really. So fine. I just want to rest, don't even listen to it. I can eat in the-"

Another growl, maybe more akin to a snarl. It was not hunger, it was straight up famish.

Lloyd groaned, throwing his head back as Kai chuckled softly.

"I'm sure Zane left me some dinner, I can give you that. Be back in a-"

As he turned around, he felt a small tug on his sleeve. It wasn't hard, but it was definitely not a coincidence. Slender fingers entangled in the fabric of his hoodie, begging silently for closeness.

"Lloyd, if you don't eat you're gonna feel disgusting when you wake up tomorrow. Just a couple of minutes tops. Promise."

"..."-the youngest lowered his head, but his grip didn't falter.

"What's wrong?"

"...it's... A couple of minutes too long."-His voice was soft, the same one he used to manipulate him whenever he wanted to extort some 'little sibling benefits' out of him. But in this case, it sounded far too honest.

"Yeah, but we don't know much about whatever is happening to you."-he crouched down.-"I say we play safe and put some food in ya."

He shook his head.

He was a master now, he couldn't keep being a stubborn little kid forever. But he understood, sort of, the idea of letting him out of his sight even just for a moment was unbearable but he couldn't just let him get sick because of his (completely justified) fear.

"Listen, bud, if you don't-"

"Can I..."

"Hm?"

"Can I come with you...?"

"You can't even stand."

"I can!"-His face suddenly snapped up, determination flashing brighter than the green as he tried to demonstrate. Knees promptly giving out as he had to help him not fall face first into the ground.-"ugh..."

"What did I tell ya? Wha-"

To his surprise, Lloyd took the chance and latched onto his shirt, hugging him loosely.

"Pff... You couldn't have missed me this much. You said it was just a couple hours."

"For me."

"What's that supposed to mean?"

Lloyd simply pressed closer, burying his face against his chest making his resolve melt finally placing his hand back on his hair. Stroking it carefully.

He was also tired, his body also ached for different causes. The stupor dissipating slowly just made way for the lack of respect he had for his own well being the past weeks, making his muscles throb and his head ache.

But he would be lying if he didn't admit his whole being wanted to surrender to his every wish right now, just for today. Just to keep him here.

"Fine, you win."-He sighed loudly.-"I'll take you."

"Really!?"-mischievous eyes sparkled with victory.

"Yeah, yeah. But don't get accustomed to it, big baby."

"I won't!"

He definitely did, as he could never miss an opportunity to carry them. No matter how big they got, it was his duty as the older sibling to always be able to support them. Physically or otherwise.

He shifted, offering Lloyd his back so he could climb on. And like practiced routine, he did so almost effortlessly only adjusting when one of his horns accidentally poked Kai in the cheek.

He stood up, knees cracking loudly.

"Jeez, kid, you put up a few pounds."

"Maybe you're just getting old, grandpa."

"You make me mad and I drop you."-he adjusted his grasp on his legs, bouncing him up slightly to ensure he was secured.-"Comfy?"

"Hmh."-A sleepy murmur accompanied the way he melted against him like a cat under the sun.-"You're so warm."

"I'm the fire ninja, that's a given."-he chuckled, stepping towards the door.

"But it's nice."-he nuzzled closer, curling around him as if he had been starving for it.-"...it was so cold. So, so cold."

"Can imagine."-truly, he didn't even want to think about it. But if it was in any way similar to... That place, he didn't want to even think about how desolated and freezing it had been.

Lloyd's tail dragged behind, heavy, probably collecting blisters from the wood planks. Though judging by his breathing slowly deepening, he was clearly too tired to hold it up.

The monastery was dark, completely silent, illuminated only by the moonlight that filtered through the windows. It was always like this, he had become familiar with the looks of it but had not noticed how peaceful that quiet was until just now.

The kitchen was just within reach, a distance he had thought too hard to traverse the past days, simply just a couple of steps away.

He slid the door open, it didn't weigh the same. The aroma of whatever Zane and Cole had prepared still lingered, and it didn't smell nauseating anymore, his own stomach made a little sound and it was met with a soft chuckle from behind him.

"Should we split?"

"Not really, you need the nutrients, Greenie. I can-"

He shook his head, soft hair rubbing against his neck in a way that made his skin ticklish.

"Eat with me?"-An order disguised as a plea. Lloyd was not dumb, sadly, so he had to groan in agreement.

Just a little self care never hurt anyone.

He carefully lowered him onto one of the kitchen stools by the center aisle. Making sure he was comfortable as he unceremoniously slumped against the counter.

"Don't fall asleep like that or you'll wake up with 7 different types of soreness."

"Yes, mom."-he dragged out, already making himself comfortable with eyes closed.

The food wasn't anything fancy, just simple chicken soup with some noodles, no doubt a combination made by Cole. It'd have to do.

As he stirred it on the stove, broth slowly coming into a simmer he got distracted by how much he was actually looking forward to stuffing his mouth. Everything had tasted so dull until now it was not appetizing anymore, kind of a shocker discovering he actually didn't loathe the idea of sitting down for dinner.

Lloyd made a small sound as he blinked awake.

"Kai..."

"Yep?"

"It's okay to be mad."

"At who?"

"At me."-he placed the wooden spoon atop the pot and turned around.-"you said you were pissed... But didn't elaborate. It's... It's alright, I can take it."

And that, that did make him a little angry. Because even if he was right, even if he was holding back whatever twister of emotions he felt for a better time, it was said in such a self-sacrificing manner it irked him to no end.

Of course he was pissed, of course he had been because it shouldn't have to be his little brother every time. Because the world kept putting them in situations where it was life or death, and it was him who always took the fall willingly. Because he had the self preservation instincts of a newborn and his heart couldn't take another loss before withering away himself.

Because in the midst of loss it was him the only one to crumble, the only one to deteriorate so bad he almost caused another statue to be built. And even if he knew it, he couldn't stop it, he didn't have the strength. But what else was new? He never had the strength.

Nor when Zane died, nor when Cole did, or Nya, could barely keep his temper in check while Jay had his memories stolen and certainly could not when Lloyd dissipated before him.

He was a mess and he was trying not to be, he couldn't, not anymore. He had no more excuses, Lloyd was here.

Wise enough to remind him he was allowed to feel, dumb enough to offer himself as collateral even if he sported matching wounds.

Green darted behind him, shyly pointing towards the stove that was now burning so bright it might have evaporated the soup had he not noticed in time. He flickered it off as he took a deep breath.

"Can you stop that?"

"Stop what?"

"Everything. You said you know you're making it difficult for us to keep you safe, if you know that, why do you keep doing it? Is it on purpose?"

"Wha- no! No, no, Kai, never-"

He shot up nervously, sleepiness shaken away when confronted with the hostility he very clearly 'could take'.

"Then why? Is it so hard to stay alive? Is it so hard to take an interest in yourself outside your role as a martyr?"

It sounded harsh, far too harsh, but it was the truth. As venomous as it sounded, as bitter as it tasted and he couldn't stop now.

He had wanted to know, he would now.

"Because it isn't hard for us, it's so not hard we're holding on by a thread just to keep your legacy alive. To protect everything you built at the expense of our own grief. So tell me why. Tell me why it's so difficult for you to help us protect it, to help us protect you."

"..."

"I am a mess, Lloyd."-he finally said.-"a complete, utter mess. And I'm not trying to blame that on you. It's me, I'm the problem, I'm the one who can't keep his head out of the water every single time one of you manages to get themselves killed."-he grabbed at the fabric of the hood that rested just above his heart and tugged on it.-"I'm the older one, I'm supposed to keep you alive. And if not, I'm supposed to support you through good and bad, I should be the pillar, yet I'm sinking. That's what I do. I crumble and stop believing, 'ninja never quit' it was you who said it first and I've been living by it ever since. Or trying to. I never was strong enough."

Lloyd very clearly wanted to correct him, by the look of his face it completely shattered his heart even considering Kai thought so low of himself. That he had contributed to it in any way, shape or form.

But the brunette kept going without giving him a chance.

"So yes, Lloyd, I'm mad. But I'm not mad at you, I'm mad at your insecurities, I'm mad at my insecurities, I'm mad at the world and the roles we're supposed to fit inside of. And I'm mad at myself for not being fit to play my part as you so infuriatingly diligently fit yours."

A heavy silence took over the kitchen.

Just the ragged sound of Kai's breathing and the slight scratching of draconic nails against skin in a repetitive nervous motion.

"I..."

"I swear to the First Spinjitzu Master if you apologize again, I'm going to-"

"..."-he shook his head.-"it's not that. I was just going to say I understand, and I think I share the same feelings of inadequacy-"

"Please don't give me that crap, big shot."-it had always been an affectionate nickname, but right now it felt like wielding a dagger.

"No, really- I..."-he sighed, tail slowly dragging and curling around the stool as if hiding.-"Do you remember when I fought that like, dark version of myself?"

"Uh, no?"

"Right, sorry, it was in a vision."-he chuckled softly though it didn't reach his eyes.-"long story short, I'm the worst green ninja that has ever lived."

"That's not-"

"No, really. Dragons said so themselves and... It kinda sucks."-slowly his smile dissipated.-"I've given so much, I've fought so hard, I've caused so much pain and yet I'm still not enough. I'll probably never be enough. I have a duty, a duty I've accepted and worked for my entire life but it has all led us here."-he looked down at his hands, nails now digging inside his skin.-"I led us here."

Kai truly couldn't understand, how someone who knew had sacrificed so much could still even begin to believe he had caused more harm than good. Could still compare to someone like him. Still, he listened.

"It keeps getting messier, it keeps tangling and choking and some days I just want it to stop altogether."-His tail finally found a place on his lap giving him something other than his skin to pick on.-"but it never stops, it never will. 'Ninja never quit' I think I cursed us with it."

"Lloyd, that's not what I meant. I would never-"

"No, you wouldn't. Which is why I'm saying it myself."-a sheepish grin accompanied his words as he continued.-"I think we're both playing our roles to the best of our abilities. And much like you'll never admit to me being a lackluster leader I can never accept you believing you're a less than exceptional brother."

"It's different, you-"

"I don't want to be the chosen one. I haven't wanted to be the chosen one in literal years now, but sadly it is who I am. Even if the Dragons themselves see me as unfit."-determining pulling at his own feathers caused more discomfort than relief, he stopped momentarily.-"I can only do my best, even if my best is someone else's worst. So, yeah, Kai, I understand the feeling. And it's a feeling I do not wish for you."

He didn't know what to say, except that he was wrong. That it didn't matter what the Dragons thought. That it wasn't his fault he didn't follow the conventional path, his life had been anything but conventional. It was only natural.

Instead, when he opened his mouth, the contrary kept talking.

"You don't want me to apologize, but I must. If I knew how to be better, if I knew how to wield my own power with the same efficiency of those who came before me... I suppose I wouldn't be throwing myself around as a 'meat shield'. But I don't, and it's precisely my love for you, for my students and the others that drives me to give it all I got."-he sighed.-"But that love has also failed to respect your efforts and pain."

"You're... You're not a bad ninja. You had just been put in a rough spot, repeatedly."-he managed to say, just to be met with a knowing expression.

He got him there.

"And you're not a bad brother, you have just been put in a rough spot."-he smiled.-"repeatedly."

Kai turned around searching for the food bowls, Lloyd had gotten too smart for his own good over the years. All that wisdom would take him far only if he managed to survive his ire at cornering him like that.

"It's different, my role is to-"

"We don't have roles, Kai, we have people."-he could feel his gaze following him around as he separated the portions.-"If you're so kind as to still believe in me because of my particular conditions, why wouldn't I be? If I'm not the worst green ninja in your eyes because I'm flawed, why would you be the worst older brother in my eyes because you're hurt? Emotions, as with one's life circumstances, are unavoidable. We can only traverse them in our own peculiar way with the help of those around us. Your mistake, if you ever made one, was not leaning on the others while you were suffering. Not allowing them to share your pain and support each other above the water, not crying, or missing me. Those are simply humane reactions, all of which you wouldn't punish them for. So why punish yourself?"

Warm broth splashed the plates slightly as he placed them down in front of Lloyd.

He hadn't really realized how much he had grown as a person, even outside any role.

It made his chest swell with pride and so many other emotions he couldn't even begin to identify.

It was so strange, so impossibly him... How he managed to part the clouds and illuminate the darkest corners with just some words. Even if he, himself, felt broken and trapped.

"You're such a smartass."

"I think it runs down on the family, hahaha."-he took the spoon, waiting for Kai to sit and pick up his.-"Promise you'll be kinder to yourself if I ever die again?"

"Only if you promise to make everything in your power to NEVER die again."

"Deal."

As they both took the first sip, he finally realized how much tastier dinner could have been with his friends.

Between warm laughs and bright smiles the meal was gone in no time, finally allowing them to return to Lloyd's room and settle down for the night.

Sleeping with his baby brother between his arms as he finally passed out from exhaustion and both of their bodies were finally allowed some relaxation, it felt like everything in Ninjago was back in place for just the tiniest of moments.

Allowing the peace to take over, he didn't really notice when the next day the door opened. Until rays of sunshine came in uninvited accompanied by nearly a dozen of voices at different levels of excitement and disbelief screaming, crying, squealing and laughing flooded the room and woke them both.

Sitting there, golden hair messy and pointing in all directions. Some of the kids gawking and prodding at the new limbs, most of the older ninja surrounding them containing the tears and Nya clinging to Lloyd as hard as he done so had last night, Lloyd laughed. Insecurities put aside for another moment, feeling like he belonged amongst these people even if he wasn't perfect. Even if he felt like he broke more than he could fix, even if the entire universe fought to make him feel lesser.

He mattered here and he was enough in their eyes, just as Kai had realized he might, just might, also be.

As he looked to the side, his three brothers stared down at him with nothing with pure relief in their eyes until finally Jay jumped on him shouting and blabbering something about him 'being back' when it was Lloyd who he should have been welcoming with that much energy.

The bed eventually gave out, even with the ones that had half a mind to wait their turn for a hug, and he couldn't do much but laugh pointedly ignoring the adoring looks all of them gave him before following suit.

He wasn't enough, he had never been, but none of them were. At least not to the outside, at least not to the other people outside their family.

But right here he could breathe knowing they would always have his back as he will have theirs, for they were all alive and whatever they would face next he'll keep trying to make sure it stayed that way.