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When Jyn is seven, she watches her mom die. It’s fast. She’s huddled on a hill behind some tall grass, her clothes getting covered in dark black sand. She can’t do anything when the shot goes off. Her mom to drops to the ground. Upon losing everything in a single instant, Jyn can only run away.
She spends the next fifteen years living in and out of space.
All she wants is something new, every star looks exactly the same, the patterns various members of Saw’s crew tried to point out to her never looked like much of anything. The stars held no beauty without having her family there to behold them, because looking at the stars reminds her of what they’re made of, what she’s made of.
Stardust.
Even the very thought of the word sits heavily in the back of her throat. Being surrounded by men doesn't afford her the luxury of emotions, of displaying on the outside everything which pushes and pulls her within. She does her best to ignore the space outside the metal walls of the ship. She does everything she can to avoid the call of the stars.
Love means nothing to her anymore. There are times when she feels a flash of that stuttering, forceful adoration. She always pushes it away before it has a chance to consume her. When she was fifteen, there was a boy. His bright white hair and dark eyes were ones Jyn chose to leave behind when supply run with Saw became too rough. It was a chance to get away from the feelings. A chance to keep them locked inside.
When she was nineteen, there was a girl. Her eyes reminded Jyn, oh so painfully of the grass her mom had dropped into, her fiery hair cropped short. She was stupidly brave and caring, a rebel soldier, or would’ve been once she found a way to join the alliance, that plan had been waylaid when she found Jyn. She’d been the closest Jyn got to loving again and Jyn had stayed longer than she should’ve. There wasn’t a chance to push her away before Jyn had been arrested. The girl screamed and fought, doing everything she could to save Jyn, who already knew exactly how to get out of the situation, but only yelled back that was okay as she got dragged away. It wasn’t even twenty minutes before she escaped, but she hadn’t gone back to look, or even make sure the other girl was okay. She ran away instead.
She’s twenty two when she finds something to admire again. It comes in the form of two boys. One comes with freedom, releasing her from her shackles and helping her find a reason to fight, and the other brings her and her father back into contact, even if it’s just for a moment. They both connect her to something and for some reason, upon meeting them, they instantly feel so important.
They both support her, urge her to do what she thinks is right even if it goes against orders. They march right into battle beside her, despite the fact that Cassian is disobeying direct orders (which he hasn’t done in his entire life) and that Bodhi’s life could just be starting now that he’s away from the imperial rule, but instead of doing what either of them should, they follow her, a criminal, into a fight in which they are severely outnumbered just because they take her word for why it’s worth it.
Jyn’s never cared much about anything or payed a whole lot of attention to little details, but as they fly to Scarif, she notices tiny freckles on both men’s skin, the way it creates patterns and shapes and makes them look a little imperfect. They are both good things for her to focus on instead of their high chance of failure.
Bodhi is obviously shaken by the events of the past few days. Defecting, being captured and tortured near the point of insanity, watching and entire city be destroyed… She understands why his hands and breath tremble. Occasionally, he pulls at his beard as if brushing the hairs back into place. After about the fifth time she realizes it must be a nervous habit. She teases him a little, trying to lighten the mood. It’s the first time she sees him smile, although it’s sheepish.
“The imperial officers were strict when it came to looks,” He explains. “Whenever inspections would come around I had to be very conscious of my hair,” he seems embarrassed by this, looking down at his calloused hands. “When I’m stressed it reminds me of all the times I had to worry about keeping it all flat and straight, but it’s so curly that it doesn’t particularly want to do that…” He trails off, looking a little sad. “I’ve always been sort of anxious. Believing and wanting to act differently than the Imperials didn’t make it any easier. Especially because they wanted to blow up entire planets for that very thing.” He looks past her as the memory settles around him like a fog and Jyn feels it in her chest. That constant fear is something she's entirely too familiar with.
Cassian is a complete contrast from Bodhi, but it’s perfect. His shoulders are straight rather than slumped, proud and daring. His features seemingly locked in his brooding expression, stubble accentuating his sharp jaw and cheekbones. He’s hard where Bodhi is soft but it fits together like destiny.
Jyn watches Cassian give Bodhi (and her when he thinks she won't notice), small smiles. He does subtle things for them, cover them in blankets as they sleep, make sure they are prepared for what is to come. Jyn finds that he’s not really as tough as he likes to seem, but it wins her over just the same.
It terrifies Jyn a little to leave Bodhi behind, the three of them have only just found each other, she hasn’t had a chance to get to know every part of them like she wants to, but he’s the only one she trusts to get them and their friends off of the planet. The three of them share a nod, hands lingering at shoulders, fingers at necks, afraid to let go right before she and Cassian venture into the compound.
Watching Cassian fall down the data tower knocks all the air from Jyn’s lungs. Jerking her gaze away, she continues to pull herself up and away, image of his limp body flashing in her vision as she forces her muscles to move.
Despite the ache in her muscles she pushes herself to get the plans to the Alliance no matter what, for her dad, her mom, Saw, the people of Jedha and for Cassian and Bodhi. Even as she almost dies, it’s not so bad, because it’s their cause and it will save more people than she could ever be worth.
Seeing Cassian again makes everything seem brighter. Him saving her isn’t necessary, but it allows her time for a little peace, even as their situation starts to become bleaker. He makes her better, talks her out of revenge and they pull away together.
Dim light flashes through the elevator, and suddenly Jyn sees the beauty that she should see in the stars in his face. They are so close to something, but they seem to make a silent agreement that it won't be, that they don’t have time to start something, not with so little left.
The two stumble out of the building, Cassian draped over her shoulder as she tries her best to support his weight and get them out of there. She tries to have hope that they can get away, but then the blast starts up in the ocean and she can see the water rising and the bright flash of light starting to well up from the ocean. Then she spots the wreckage of the ship they’d arrived in and her heart sinks. No ship to escape in. No one to fly them away. No Bodhi.
She knows Cassian realizes it too as he sags against her, saddened, but accepting. There's nothing they can do. There’s no time to mourn. They drag each other a few more feet through the sand, just to the edge of the water, then drop to their knees.
Just for a moment, he touches her hand, warm skin pressing into hers, then he’s pulling her in gently. Cassian’s arms wrap around her waist, pulling her against him tight. She breathes in his smell, leather, and smoke. She supposes he smells more like battle than himself really, but there's something under everything else that is just so explicitly intimate. The faint scent gives her a reminder of a feeling of home… But there is a large part of her that feels like some part of that is missing.
Then, she feels someone else drop down behind her, a head rests on her free shoulder from behind. She can tell, just by the facial hair and anxious breathing, that it’s Bodhi. It helps her relax and accept fate easier with just his simple presence and somehow, the missing space in the feeling of home fills and she finally untenses her aching muscles between their body heat.
She pushes her back into Bodhi's form, seemingly calm for the first time since she's known him, reminding him she is right there. His arms join Cassian’s around her midsection, so his knuckles rest against Cassian’s stomach and palms press atop hers. Having them so close to her feels like flying as the light rapidly approaches them.
She loses everything in a single instant, but this time she doesn’t think to run.