Chapter Text
“Come on, Little Wing! We’re gonna miss the train!” Dick shouted as he flipped over an alley and landed perfectly onto the next building. It was a quiet night in Gotham; rain pelted the rooftops gently, and a gentle breeze was bringing in the Spring. Dick breathed in the air with a sigh; it tasted like acid and pollution. Home sweet home. He was about to leap to the next building before turning to check that the Red Hood was keeping up just in time to-
Watch Jason eat absolute shit. Dick slapped a hand over his mouth as the younger man caught the lip of the roof and had to tuck into a roll. Dick held his breath until Jason rolled onto his back with a groan. Dick smirked but held down the giggle building in his throat. “Don’t you dare-” Red Hood began. He sat up on his butt, pointing a gloved finger at his older brother.
The action was all it took to break Dick’s last defense as a wail of laughter tore out of his throat, and he quickly covered his mouth with both hands to stifle it. Jason was on his feet in an instant, tackling Dick and making them roll across the roof.
By the end of the roll, both boys were laughing, Dick gripping Jason’s upper arms to push himself up as he caught his breath. Dick stuck out a hand to help Jason up, which he took. Dick beamed up at Hood, who tore his hand away and rubbed the back of his neck sheepishly.
Dick didn’t mind, though; the moment of laughter was enough. Dick was glad Jason was warming back up to him since his return. It was agonizingly slow, and the anti-hero still showed no desire to be anywhere near Batman- both in and out of the masks. But Dick couldn’t help the feeling of hope that bloomed in his chest by just being with his brother.
Hope for more time together, hope for Jason to return to the family- Dick was thrown from his thoughts as a horde of screams rang through the Gotham night air-
Nightwing and Red Hood, who placed his helmet back on, rushed to the edge of the roof. The screams were coming from up the street, where a truck was weaving in and out of traffic at a crazy speed and was out of control. The two shared a look before both shot their grapple guns at a building across the street.
Jason landed in the middle of the road- the car barreling towards him- Dick forced himself to focus on directing people off the sidewalks and into buildings for cover as Jason aimed at the tires. “Off the streets! Get inside!” He shouted, switching between the most common Gotham languages, but as the first few people ducked inside local stores and alleyways, most followed quickly. This was Gotham after all.
Dick watched out of the corner of his eye as Jason aimed with perfect precision and shot the front two tires of the truck. Dick smirked as the truck slowed on the flat tires, jerking to the side but not tipping over-
Then he saw her. An elderly woman. She was short, with tan skin, and had long, salt-and-pepper hair up in a tight bun. She was desperately trying to carry a suitcase to the sidewalk and out of the road- but the wheel was stuck in a drain, directly in the path of the truck. But it wasn’t slowing fast enough- headed right for her-
“Move!” Dick shouted, but his feet were already in motion. He slammed into the woman, shoving her out of the way just as the truck crashed into the suitcase, sending clothes and belongings all over the road. Dick watched as the truck fell onto its side, crashing into some empty cars as it stopped. Jason ran towards the vehicle. Dick turned back to the woman, helping her up from where they had landed.
Dick let the woman go, checking her over. “Are you alright?” He asked gently, and the woman shook in his arms, gripping his biceps as she nodded shakily.
Dick saw Jason checking on a few scrapes and bruises as Dick let the woman calm down, her grip tight enough to leave marks. She looked up at him, “¡Dios mío, gracias! ¡Gracias, querido!”
Dick jerked back from the woman, her hands suddenly burning against his skin. He stepped back, coughing on a sharp inhale. “Yeah. Of course.” His heart leaped to his throat. The woman reached for him; her lips were moving, but Dick couldn’t hear what she was saying over the growing roar in his ears-
He took another step back- there was a flash of dark hair and orange and black- Dick felt all the air leave his body- He shook his head, trying to clear the flashes from the edge of his vision. He reached up to rub his temples- his hands were trembling.
He stepped out from under the awning where he’d taken the woman- rain pelting his face and body- it wasn’t a heavy rain by Gotham’s standards, but each drop felt like a punch to Dick-
There was a metallic taste in his throat mixed with the smell of gunpowder- no- he wasn’t- that was a long time ago- the sudden feeling of choking overwhelming him- he could hear his own breath coming out in short gasps-
His back slammed into a light pole- it was raining- Dick could feel the drops on the back of his neck- he could feel them in his throat as he gasped for air- his lungs refusing the needed oxygen-
“Yo, Wing-“ someone grabbed his arm- Dick jolted at the touch, trying to shake her off- a panicked noise escaping his throat- he could feel the hand on his chest- pushing- on his hips- trapping-
He twisted to the side- “Don’t touch me!” He shouted- shoving the hands off- he had to get them off- But they just kept coming back. Trying to grab him- no- he couldn’t let it happen again-
Dick’s limbs were sloppy and uncoordinated, but he kept pushing, kept shoving them off- his breathing picking up until it was fast and ragged- “Don’t-Stop-” His voice cracked, and the person stopped- he wondered if his soul had left his body so that he didn’t have to present for it. Again.
Dick blinked rapidly, trying to clear his vision. It was blurry; someone was standing in front of him- he was still shaking- he took another step back and sucked in a gasp of air-
Blood. It tasted of blood and smoke and gunpowder and bodily fluids and her and sex and-
Someone honked, causing him to flinch violently at the loud sound- suddenly, everything went from being muted and quiet to so loud- and there was shouting- and sirens- his stomach flipped thinking about what they would find- what he had done- he doubled over and vomited onto the sidewalk. As he gasped for air, he saw a figure coming towards him-
“No-“ his voice was shaky. He held up a hand to try and hold her off- even though he knew it wouldn’t do any good- “Don’t- I’m poison-“ they kept coming- she was getting closer- she was going to-
He reached for his grapple gun blindly with trembling hands- shooting without looking to see if it would actually catch- he barely managed to hold on as he was jerked into the air. He had to get away- He tumbled over the ledge of the roof, lacking all his usual grace- he rolled onto his back- the gravel biting into his skin at the thinner spots of the suit-
He was aware of the crunch of shoes on the gravel near him- he whimpered- his body going limp on the roof- he had to get up- he couldn’t just lay here- but it was like his body knew what was going to happen- like it knew he could do nothing to stop it- like he knew it was his fault- and he deserved-
“Cat- please-“ he didn’t care that he was begging; he didn’t care that she wouldn’t listen- “I don’t- I can’t-“ the rain was everywhere- infecting every inch of him- he shivered in the cold- his arms out to the sides- the rain pinning them to the gravel more effectively than cement would-
“-take you-“
Dick wasn’t sure where the tears stopped, and the rain began on his face. He closed his eyes as if that would change his reality. He trembled, clenching his teeth hard enough that they might crack. Why wasn’t he getting up? “No- not there- I-“
Dick thought of the hotel room that plagued his nightmares- a single king bed with sheets from hell and- and the emptiness— being unable to eat or shower or move or- No. He couldn’t go back there. He’d sooner throw himself off the roof.
“Why not?” They moved closer- Dick’s breathing quickened; he didn’t want it to start- once it started it’ll-
“Never end-“ Dick gasped, “there it never ends-“ He wanted to curl into a ball and at least turn away, to resist, to not just let it happen- but his body was not his own-
Maybe it never had been. Maybe he’d lost it the night his parents died- a shell of a person to be used over and over and over and-
The figure knelt next to him- a cape of darkness hovering over his face and upper body- Dick gasped, feeling like he could finally breathe without the rain hitting him-
“It's raining.” He said, confused. “It was raining.” He stared at where the stars had been. “I- the stars-“ he was supposed to watch the moon cross the night sky- the stars bearing witness to his failures-
“Dick? Look at me.” Dick’s eyes slid to the figure obediently, something in his core knowing he had to answer when they used that tone. But-
“Where’s Cat?” His eyebrows pinched together with confusion- she was just-
“She’s not here, chum.” The figure reached up- Dick flinched, closing his eyes tightly.
When nothing happened, he opened them again, slowly- to see Bruce’s baby blue eyes looking at him- worry twisting his face-
“B?” Dick gasped, the sound coming out like he’d been trapped underwater. He tried pushing himself up to his elbows. “She- I-“ His breathing picked up again as he scooted back from his father. The rain returned its assault on his skin. If Bruce was here, then he knew, and- and he would hate Dick-
“I’m so sorry-“ Dick felt the rain on his neck again, soaking through his suit and making him shiver harder- “I failed you- I let her-“ He gagged on a mix of blood, tears, and rain-
He must have been breathing rapidly, because Bruce was shaping a box with his pointer finger, “Dick, follow my finger.” Dick knew what he was doing; taking off the cowl, saying his name repeatedly, box breathing, it was all to help ground him-
But Dick didn’t want to be grounded for this- he wanted to float. To feel the sweet release of detachment. He’d done it on the roof and at the hotel and- sometimes he caught himself zoning out when he probably shouldn’t, but sometimes- when the nightmares were too much, or the rain came down too hard, or when a touch felt too much like taking- it was easier. Simpler.
“I can’t-“ Dick sobbed. He should probably just tell him now; it’s not like he could keep it from The Batman. “She- I-” But the words caught in his throat. Bruce was looking at him with concern, and it made his heart clench. He tried to focus on the box, but-
But he had to tell him. It was his fault. It would only be worse if Batman were to find out later. Dick didn’t deserve the help; he didn’t deserve the look of concern and worry on his father’s face-
“B, I-I killed him-“ Dick whispered, moving farther away. His back hit the ledge of the roof. Batman’s finger froze for a second before it continued guiding Dick.
Bruce’s gaze hardened, but it was not unkind, only more determined. “Okay.”
Dick found himself sitting up more in shock, his numb limbs protesting the movement. His breathing evened out as he blinked rapidly to keep his focus on the gloved hand. The thick, armored glove that led to a distinctive suit with a distinctive symbol on the chest.
“Good job, you’re doing great, chum.” Bruce’s voice was soft and gentle. Dick looked into his eyes- blinking again. His eyes traced every detail of the man in front of him. There was no orange. No spider on his chest. No long black hair that scraped across his cheek.
Batman was talking to him like- like a victim. Like how they were trained to help those going into shock or having a- “I think I’m having a panic attack.” Dick admitted in a whisper, lifting his hands to look at them. There was a strip of blue that ran down his shoulders to the tips of two of his fingers- he’d changed the suit not long after-
Bruce nodded, his face blank, and he lowered his hand. It twitched as if thinking about reaching for Dick and then deciding against it. Dick was more aware of the gravel digging into his skin painfully- his shin hurt from where he’d clipped it on the edge of the roof after-
Dick sucked in a sharp breath, looking around the roof for the first time. He forced the air out slowly, repeating the process. He reached up to rub his face, now sitting crisscross across from Batman, who did the same. Dick paused, realizing his suit- his hair- was completely dry.
“It- wasn’t it raining?” Dick asked quietly, pulling his knees to his chest. He felt… off kilter. Less panicked but still like a guest in his own body. But that was mostly normal these days.
There was a shift behind Bruce. Dick squinted in the darkness. “Jason?” He whispered. Recognizing his brother’s hulking form, even when he was trying to make himself smaller.
Batman didn’t scold him for the use of the name, but simply shifted so Dick could see behind him. Red Hood was leaning against an air conditioning unit, his stance tight with tension and a cigarette lit in his hand. Dick shifted to get up. Was he hurt? Had something happened and he’d been too out of it to help his little brother? Had he failed again-
“Jay?” He didn’t mean for his voice to crack, surprising both him and Bruce. Dick stepped towards him.
Jason pushed off the unit and took a hesitant step towards his older brother into the light from the lamppost. His helmet was gone. “I’m here, Dickiebird.”
Dick closed the distance between them, patting his arms and shoulders, checking for injuries. “Are you okay? Are you hurt?” Dick pinched his face, turning it side to side.
Jason gaped at him, taking Dick’s hands in his own and removing them from his face, but he didn’t let go. “What? I’m fine!” He said it a little aggressively, wincing at himself. “I mean- yes- Jesus. Are you okay? That was-” He paused, glancing at Bruce over Dick’s shoulder. “... a lot.” He settled on weakly.
Dick shifted backwards, “I-” He took his hands from Jason’s grip and stood, running a hand through his hair. “I’m good. Sorry… about that.” He looked down at the ground- scowling as if it had personally offended him. “You shouldn’t have had to see that.” It shouldn’t have happened at all, he thought, biting the inside of his cheek in frustration.
Jason shifted his weight to one hip and placed a hand on it. “The fuck? You don’t need to apologize for having a god damn panic attack.”
Dick winced at the reminder. Gods, had he really fallen apart in front of his little brother over a stupid word-
A thought came to him. “Did- Did you call B?” He raised an eyebrow at his brother
Now it was Jason’s turn to scowl at the ground, “I mean- yeah. You didn’t want me to touch you, and it was like you couldn’t hear me- I-” He took a deep breath. “I don’t know, I thought he might be able to help? I’m not good with this shit-” Dick saw the hint of panic in Jason’s eyes at the memory. “I didn’t know what to fucking do.”
In any other situation, Dick would have been excited after hearing that Jason had contacted Bruce of his own free will, but this scenario seemed to be pulled from his own personal hell. “Oh… sorry.” He gestured to both of them loosely, trying to convey that it was meant for both of them.
Dick rubbed the back of his neck as Bruce joined their little circle, mumbling something over the coms. He looked at his oldest and grunted, “Cave.”
Dick felt his heart rate spike at the thought. All his siblings- all the questions- He shook his head, even though he knew it wasn’t a question. “I’ll pass, B. I’ll just head to Blud-”
“Fuck that.” Jason crossed his arms. “You’re riding with me.” He reached down to pick up his helmet- pausing mid-grab. “If you want.” He muttered a curse, “But it’s either the old man or me.”
Dick looked between the two and then glanced at the next roof over. He could probably outmaneuver one of them to get back to his bike, but there's almost no way he would win against both of them. He looked back at them and saw them both recognize that he’d made this conclusion.
“Dick.” Bruce took a measured step towards him. “Come home.”
The acrobat sighed, his will cracking with Bruce’s dad's voice.
Dick didn’t really remember how Jason and he got to his bike, or the ride back to the cave. He held on tight but didn’t miss the way Jason drove more carefully than normal.
When the bike slowed to a stop, Bruce was already back in the cave, pulling the cowl down and heading for the computer. Dick sighed, thinking of the update that was about to be added to his file.
‘Compromised. Trigger unknown. Having panic attacks. Unfit. Blah blah-’
He was pulled from his thoughts when he noticed Tim and Damian sparring lightly on the mats. The sight brought a small smile to his face. Tim dodged a flurry of blows from Damian, sending his own back. Dick could almost see the calculations running behind those blue eyes, watching, analyzing, waiting for the right moment to-
Damian was thrown off balance by a perfectly timed kick to the back of his knee. He almost went down before twisting his weight and switching to swipe Tim’s feet out from under him. Tim landed on his back with an ‘omph’.
The younger looked down at Tim, victorious, “Adequate, Drake.” Dick smiled as he headed for the locker room. The remark was practically a gold star from the kid.
Dick changed quickly into the spare clothes Alfred kept stocked for him. He glanced at the showers before turning to head back to the main area-
He paused as Jason came in, a stack of his own clothes in his hands. Jason looked him up and down, noticing his still dry hair. “You’re not showering?”
Dick shrugged. “Nope.” He popped the ‘p’, moving towards the door.
Jason moved in front of him, blocking the way. “Dick-”
“Jason.” Dick copied his brother in a warning tone. Placing a hand on his hip.
Jason let out a frustrated sigh, “Look- I know we don’t- this family sucks at talking about shit like this- but-!” He ran a hand through his hair and sighed heavily. “You can talk to me.”
Dick sighed, forcing some of the tension out of his body and smiling at Jason. “Thanks, but I’m fine, Little-”
“No, you are not!” Jason shouted, throwing his arms to the side in exasperation. “I just watched you lose your shit over some lady or something- so I don’t think you’re-”
Dick closed his eyes for a moment, shoving the wave of anger that was filling his lungs as far down as he could. “Just- Just stop, Jay.” He moved past his brother, ducking under an arm and out the locker room door before he could respond.
Dick walked across the cave and towards a bike with sure, solid steps. He knew coming back to the cave was a mistake. It almost always was. Especially if he wasn’t at the top of his game. Of course, his family couldn’t let something rest until they had all the answers.
He was aware of Jason following after him, yelling about him being in no condition to drive. Dick ignored him, taking another deep breath as he picked up a helmet. Bruce was coming towards him now, too. Dick turned to hop on the motorcycle.
“Are you leaving?” Dick cursed under his breath as Damian came out from behind the Batmobile.
Dick paused his ascent onto the bike, putting his foot back down and rubbing the back of his neck. “Yeah, Dames, but we’re still on for this weekend. Don’t worry.” He smiled again, putting all the ‘everything is okay, I’m okay’ into it that he could.
Damian grunted, pulling a duffel bag out from behind the car, too. Dick pinched the bridge of his nose. “Damian-”
“It is expected to rain in Bludhaven tomorrow,” Damian said quickly, sensing Dick about to shut him down. It was a strangely vulnerable sentence. It wasn’t condescending, or sarcastic, or a threat, just… an explanation. A reason. Jason and Bruce must have sensed it, too, because they stayed quiet behind Dick.
Dick swallowed the lump in his throat. He wasn’t sure when Damian had discovered his aversion to the rain, but during their time as Batman and Robin, the older man was not naive to the way Damian would request nights off from vigilantism in tandem with particularly hard days for Dick, and when it was raining. Seeming to know when Dick needed to punch criminals and when he needed quiet. And a Disney movie.
“I know, Little D.” Dick knelt as Damian approached him, placing a hand on his shoulder. Damian stared into his eyes, searching, analyzing in a way that only a Robin could read their Batman. He huffed and crossed his arms. Signaling his unrelenting stubbornness.
A quiet moment passed between them. A moment of… Dick struggled to place the word. It wasn’t understanding, since Damian didn’t actually know what caused Dick to act this way. But it wasn’t not understanding either. Something between comforting and protection.
“So what if it’s gonna rain?” Jason crossed his arms over his chest. Breaking the moment between the pair with a sledgehammer… or a crowbar.
Dick stood, kicking the kickstand up with calculated ease to not alert the bats that surrounded him. But his hands froze over the handles as Bruce spoke in a low, thoughtful voice.
“You thought it was raining. On the roof.” Bruce stood next to Jason, with a look on his face that Dick did not appreciate. It was his detective look. Like he was solving a puzzle. And Dick was a 2500-piece one with no desire to be put together.
Dick waved his hands. “Look, I’m fine. I shouldn’t have come back here anyway. I have work in the morning,” Dick looked at the locked screen of the Batcomputer. “In four hours, actually. So I should go to my apartment now, rather than have to wake up earlier.” It wasn’t not true, but it wasn’t the real reason Dick was so desperate to get out of the cave.
The cave meant bats. Bats meant questions. Questions meant answers. And answers- Dick clenched his hands and then forced himself to let them relax at his side.
Jason opened his mouth to respond, a hint of green lighting up his eyes in the dim light of the cave-
“Catalina Flores.”
Dick closed his eyes at the sound of Tim’s voice. He sucked in a sharp breath to prevent the vomit that ran up his throat. He swayed slightly. He hadn’t thought of that name, let alone heard it in years. Not since she was sentenced to prison.
Not because of him. No. Dick had been too much of a coward to turn her in for Desmond’s murder. But Dick knew he was just as guilty as she. When he’d finally tried to turn himself in for his mistakes- she’d already disappeared.
Which allowed her to hurt someone else. At least one other person. Who knows how much more blood was on Dick’s hands- if he’d just been better-
“-ick.” Dick jerked his head up, breathing in sharply. Tim had joined their little intervention, his hand outstretched for Dick.
“What about her?” Dick asked through clenched teeth. His heart was beating irregularly in his chest. He shrank away from Tim’s oncoming touch.
Tim’s eyes went wide, he opened his mouth but was cut off by Batman. “You called out for a ‘Cat’-“
Dick’s eyes snapped wide- “I did not-!” He choked on his own anger. He shuddered, pushing the ball of fury in his chest down. He aggressively started the bike, causing a roar to erupt in the cave. He hadn’t ‘called out’ for her. If anything, he had been begging for her to go away.
“Yo-“ Jason reacted first- as if he had expected Dick to make a run for it. He grabbed Dick’s arm. Pulling his hand from the handles.
Dick whirled around on him- The furry back in his throat, spilling onto his tongue-
“You don’t want me to drive, fine.” He pointed an accusing finger at his brother. “You want me to come back to the cave, fine. You want to send a babysitter with me, fine.” He spat with more poison in his words than Jason had ever heard before.
“But don’t expect me to spell out one of the worst moments of my fucking life before your feet.” He yanked his arm out of Jason’s grip, ignoring how the contact burned.
Jason stared at him, looking a little sheepish and at a loss for words. The others joined them, looking awfully like a firing squad stepping up to the plate.
“We just wanted to help-“ Tim started, sounding apologetic and a little scared- Dick didn’t look at him. He wouldn’t forgive himself if he yelled directly at his baby brother.
“I know. I know, Timmy. But just… stop.” Dick sighed, sounding exhausted in every sense of the word. “When- when you guys have a nightmare or a flashback, I make sure you know you can talk to me. That I’m always willing to listen, but I never push. Never force.” He looked up at all four of them. “Because I get that sometimes you don’t want to talk about it. I- I can’t talk about this. Not now. Maybe not ever.”
No one spoke, each looking at a spot away from Dick, except Damian, who moved forward and climbed up behind his older brother. Dick watched a look pass between Damian and Bruce, the older giving a nod before stepping back himself.
“Fuck.” Dick breathed as they pulled out of the cave. “I- I didn't mean to yell.”
Damian pressed closer to him, a solid grounding presence. “Tt. Idiots.” But there was no heat in it. Dick laughed dryly.
When they made it to the apartment across the river, they both got ready for bed. After Damian placed his toothbrush in the holder, he turned to Dick. “May I sleep in your room? There is a draft in my room.”
Dick looked at Damian, from where he was drying his face, a small smile on his lips. “Of course, kiddo.”
They moved under the covers, both knowing that there was no such draft. Dick lay with his back to the door, Damian curled into his chest and furthest away from the door. Dick’s arm around him protectively.
Dick breathed in deeply, getting hints of Damian’s shampoo and conditioner. It was the same as Bruce’s. But the conditioner was the same as his own.
Hours passed; Dick knew he probably wasn’t going to sleep. To sleep meant risking waking up on the roof or in a hotel- he pushed back some of Damian’s longer locks. He’d need a cut soon.
He placed a kiss on top of Damian’s head. And if the younger’s lips twitched upwards- well, Dick could keep a secret