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recently, after a call from her mother, kunikida started reminiscing her past.
the highschool prom, for which her parents bought that expensive blue dress, it highlighted kunikidas figure perfectly, and had ribbons on the sleeve, which kunikida thought were cute.
it was a shame she went home after around twenty minutes,.the dress made her... overwhelmed? uncomfortable? kunikida couldn't pinpoint the exact emotions she felt. it just felt... wrong. now, she regretted her parents spending so much money on it when she didn't even wear it properly. (though if she had a chance to wear it again to a similair ocasion, she would probably decline.)
the school play they had, where kunikida was scared she'll get picked to be one of the princesses, ending in her playing as a background-character knight, which made her happy, but she didn't quite understand why.
the time her friend accidentaly called her "him" and it felt weirdly nice- why did kunikida even remember this, after all those years? it was just a mistake, and after that, her friend just continued on talking on a completely unrelated topic.
Alot has happened since then, and even though in the back of kunikidas head, she thought about why she felt so strange, she never dug deeper, always busy with something else. back then it was grades, now it was work at the armed detective agency.
...she was scared that if she focused too much on herself, she would get into a whole rabbit hole, and she couldn't afford all of that right now. she had responsibilities, routines planned to every last minute, ideals to follow.
yet, right now she had a week off work. Her and dazai were on a mission in a different city two days ago, and fukuzawa said it was only fair that the both of them get some time off from work. Kunikida tried convincing fukuzawa, that she doesn't need any days off, but in the end, she knew better than to question fukuzawa's decision.
and that was the worst mistake she made- atleast it felt that way to her.
Kunikida sat down on the couch, trying to think of anything to do. ...she wasn't the best at managing free time, since she barely had any. and now, a whole week?
the weather was terrible- too bad to go fishing, the shops were way too overcrowded to wander around stores without any list at this time of year- christmas was near. kunikida should start making a list of what to buy for her coworkers soon, she made a mental note to make everyone say what they want to get. maybe she could go on a simple walk? ...that would be terrible, she already had to walk alot on the mission- which wouldn't even take so long if dazai didn't decide he had to get ranpo crab flavoured jelly's (ew).
Kunikida never liked dresses. they made her look more delicate, and weak- atleast that's what the mirror showed her. she hated going swimming, despite having a whole page written about how well it affects muscles and releases built up tension. she hated wearing swimsuits. they made her too aware of... herself. anything too feminine felt strange to her. she told herself that it was because 'these types of clothes aren't practical', she didn't confront the fact yosano wore feminine clothes all the time, and it didn't change anything.
Kunikida remembered the time when she was a child, laying on the carpet infront of the tv, watching cartoons.
she liked one in particular, though she couldn't remember it's name, nor the chanel it played on. the memory distorted, and mostly lost to time, kunikida only remembering that she enjoyed it alot. it was kunikida's all-time favourite, about two girls who were superheroes, protecting the city from various villains. in one episode, which Kunikida remembered suprisingly well, one of the girls went missing, instead replaces with a copy, one that resembled her perfectly, but lacked her real inside self. it was strange, especialy for a kids show, maybe that's why Kunikida could still recall it pretty well, despite it being a long time ago.
Sometimes, kunikida felt odd. about herself, about what she is meant to be. everyone feels this way. everyone is just assigned who they are, and there isn't much to it. she knows how her future will look like, she has it all planned out. ...still she can't help but wonder, how would living as someone else look like? but-
kunikida was meant to think of something to do. not dwell on overcomplicated and unnecesary problems she herself made up in her head.
she stood up abruptly, before deciding she'll go check up on dazai. Knowing that idiot, his apartment is probably a mess. Might as well go clean it, and see if he's even alive.
after around fifteen minutes, Kunikida was infront of Dazai's apartment, knocking three times before coming in- of course his door was unlocked, how many times has Kunikida lectured him about it?
kunikida entered the apartment. it was decently sized, but there wasn't alot of furniture. a simple futon in the middle, alongside a couple of glass bottles- first thing kunikida has to take care of. then there was the small kitchen, where Kunikida already saw the mess of dishes decorating the kitchen counter- second thing to take care of.
before kunikida could anylise the mess any further, dazai ,who was laying down on the futon, not doing anything in particular, spoke up.
"Kunikida-kun! i knew you'd show up!" the brunette sat up "can't find anything to do off work, like always?"
"i knew your place would be a mess. someone needs to clean it up from time to time." Kunikida strightened up, pushing up her glasses, and going to the kitchen, getting a trash bag, and she began cleaning up. glass bottles first.
"ah, my saviour!" Dazai exclaimed loudly.
Kunikida continued cleaning. after the glass bottles, she threw out the trash, cleaned the windows, washed the dishes, occasionaly chatting with dazai. after she was done, she sat down by the small table in the kitchen. Dazai soon followed, sitting down next to her.
"okay, so, tell me, what's going on?" Dazai said. his tone casual, but there was that unsettling knowing undertone, which kunikida sometimes caught when dazai was talking about something serious.
"nothing much. there's just nothing to do on days off, like usual." The blonde said, looking away.
"...have you ever thought about how it would be to.. live as someone else...?" The question slipped out before Kunikida even realised she was talking "i-.. that's a weird question. forget it."
"no, its not weird. in what way though?" Dazai asked. He knew better than anyone how kunikida could focus only on her schedule and ideals, it was rare to see the woman actualy speak about her internal struggles, and dazai certainly wasn't the one to ignore those rare moments.
"...i... i don't know. i think... the person i'm striving to be in the future, isn't me at all. don't get me wrong- i'm happy with working in the agency, and if i become the agency's president in the future, i would be grateful, but..."
"...right now, i don't feel like myself. and.. what if that never changes? what if i'm left to feel the same way, even after i acomplish all of my goals, and become a somewhat succesful woman?"
"...woman.." Kunikida repeated, although she wasn't sure why that title bothered her so much. "...why am i a woman..?" The blonde's tone sounded... confused?
"..ah. i see. " Dazai pieced together every piece of the puzzle which were Kunikida's words, which Kunikida herself seemed to not understand. "maybe you're not meant to be a woman, then?"
The words made Kunikida finaly look at dazai, for the first time since they've sat down. "...doesn't everyone feel that way..? i-.. i should stop overthinking all of this. it's pointless. i'm just.. making up imaginary problems." The blonde pushed up her glasses, looking at her own hand for a second too long.
"they're not imaginary. You can ignore them, but it's going to come back eventualy, you know." Dazai paused, letting the words sink in a bit, before continuing. "you know... usualy, people dont think so hard about 'why they're a woman'."
"...in highschool, i had a phase where i thought i was a man. but it was just a phase, i didn't-... couldn't act like that when i've started working. it was unproffesional, and..." Kunikida rambled, lost in thought. she didnt finish the sentence. more to herself than to dazai at this point.
Kunikidas thoughts were screaming at her, she felt like a thousand mixed feelings were going through her chest, all fighting eachother. everyone felt that way. like they're the way they are right now simply because society assigned them it.
before kunikida knew it, she burst out of Dazai's apartment, and suddenly... she's back home. in the bathroom. staring at the mirror.
She stared.
and stared.
he didn't recognise the reflection.
was his hair always this... wrong? his chest so.. unfitting. his waist looked too feminine. his face too soft. like someone swapped out the parts.
it reminded Kunikida of video's Kyouka first watched when atsushi gave her a phone, the one's where someone would try to alter barbie dolls, some were geniunely skilled, whilst others created weird, miss-matched monstrocities, taking parts from dolls which didn't fit in the slightest. It was a weird comparison, but kunikida felt that it was somehow fitting.
he always felt this way. atleast this part of him. he felt like all of those conflicting emotions were almost different people, simply because of how different he felt in the same moment.
there's the part of him, which felt wrong, which wanted to try to fit. fit the way he saw himself. the part only showing in that short moment in highschool, and in his notebook on the page about his ideal husband, which in reality was the person he himself wanted to be. the part which was buried for so long, suffocating.
there's the part of him which knew this was somewhat against his own ideals. he had his entire future already planned, and was he sure he wasn't making things up? he was born a woman, and it's not like gender changes anything. ...the part which truly believed he should keep suffocating.
it all felt strange. but one thing was for sure. he isn't going to let any part of him suffocate anymore.
the next day, Dazai decided to check up on kunikida. He knew this was a personal problem, and he didn't like chasing after people, because he himself knew that he didn't like someone chasing him, especialy when things got too scary to confront, which was exactly what happened yesterday.
he knocked on the door, and after a minute, Kunikida opened the door.
"Kunikida-kun...you cut your hair?" Dazai finaly broke the silence.
Kunikida let dazai in, and sat down awkwardly on the couch, Dazai sitting down next to him. Kunikida knew he should probably explain all of this to dazai, especialy after running off without any explanation yesterday- which went against kunikida's ideals, to not let pure emotions control his actions.
"...yeah." was the only thing kunikida could bring himself to say. he felt embarassed, all of his last actions felt like they were made purely because of emotions, and kunikida didn't like how out of character he was being. "...i've thought about it alot. and i think..."
"...i'll try to be myself."