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Am I Worthy?
(Agent One, from the future: Well, she will think about the offer to be Godmother. Let’s see what happens, Forty-three.)
How could such an honor feel like such a burden?
Raquel Sawyer exhaled like the Big Bad Wolf as she sat on the edge of her rollaway bed. She’d survived a fire and now lived in the makeshift home she’d created with her very pregnant best friend Jennifer (Jenny) Spencer and Jenny’s new husband Ben Reilly.
The wind hadn’t been knocked out of her quite like the night they and 3 others had barely escaped the fire. But now, hours after the offer, she still trembled.
Deciding her eyelids were finally too heavy after having gotten up to read for a while, she laid down and kept thinking.
“How can I possibly be a Godmother?”
She soon found herself in a bright meadow filled with flowers - lilies among them. The name Jenny and Ben had settled on for their first baby.
“Now, if I knew how to stay here till she turned eighteen.” She knew that couldn’t happen, though. A few flowers were plaid like a Scottish kilt - one of those telltale signs she’d come up with to tell herself she was dreaming. After the death of a friend - Megan - at age seven, she’d learned a number of “cheat codes” like that to get through the trauma.
As she studied the lush landscape and lovely blue sky, along with the park bench in the distance, she heard a voice. She whipped her head around and jumped.
“Hi, Raquel,” the bouncing seven-year-old said merrily.
“Megan….” Raquel was stunned, so she said the first thing out of her mouth. “You’re dead. Why do you have clothes on?”
THe girl adopted a very serious pose for a moment and spoke - because of her advanced development from being in Heaven - like an adult. “You’d have been spooked far more if I’d come up to you in this perfect, blissful meadow with nothing on.”
“You win the point,’ Raquel confessed. “I don't fancy worrying that I'm dead.”
“You always remembered hearing about the Garden of Eden. They were naked but not ashamed when they had no sin. But let me show you...” Suddenly, her red shirt and white play skirt changed into a blue shirt and shorts combo. “We don't have to wear clothes but we like them. We can change at will. And we have special white robes for important times like in Revelation.”
Raquel held a hand to her head for a second. “You lost me at that last sentence, but carry on.”
“We don't need to hide things or dress for vanity. We just decorate for fun.”
“Oooooh.” Raquel grinned playfully. “So you could go around with tinsel and baubles.”
Megan giggled. “Silly Raquel. I see why you kept that doll naked to represent being in Heaven. I was so proud of you for getting rid of it. You finally started to forgive yourself.” Megan referred to a doll she’d owned before being hit by a car and dying.
Raquel had realized Megan “didn’t need clothes anymore,” but Raquel had named the doll Megan and carried it everywhere out of guilt, as if it was Megan. She’d run off with it, causing Megan to chase her and get hit by the car. She'd had it for years.
“You’re really a good friend. You’d make a great Godmother,” Megan told Raquel.
Trying to turn the subject away from that offer, Raquel returned to the clothes. “Can you wear a sports uniform?” The girl suddenly sported a Dodger uniform with the number “23” on it. Raquel remembered the team from a video Ian, her former housemate Neil’s friend, had shown them. “Is that the bloke who came out on crutches or something and hit a home run?”
“Yes. Kirk Gibson.” Megan began to skip.
“I was hoping for rugby, but since you’re playing, can you make this a beach ball?” Raquel asked as she picked up a stone.
She raised her eyebrows. Megan now had on a pink one-piece swim suit with cute dolphins and held a beach ball.
“Now you’re being a silly girl,” Raquel said, her heart aching for special days at the beach with Megan when they were little.
Megan batted the beach ball to Raquel, and they batted it back and forth a few times before it got by Megan. Rather than run to get it, she went back to her red and white outfit and walked over to the park bench, inviting Raquel to join her, which she did.
“So you're not here to haunt me, but there must be a reason. People don’t show up from Heaven in one’s dreams only to play with a beach ball,” Raquel spouted as Megan swung her legs while seated next to her.
“Raquel, do you remember ‘The Lion, The Witch, And The Wardrobe?’”
“Remember it? Why I adored that book. I still remember thinking of myself as the mice that seemed to be attacking Aslan because I felt so mean and destructive, and then… I think it was Lucy said they’re helping because they were chewing the ropes. They were nice. And, then when Aslan slowly became alive again, it helped me to be sure…” She became choked up.
“That I was alive,” Megan whispered.
“Yes. Yes. That’s… that’s exactly it.”
Megan leaned toward her. “That therapist was clever. He used that book to help you talk about it. You're very clever, too, at helping people like a good Godmother should.”
Raquel shook her head. “If it was only ceremonial, if it was just like what Tom says he'll do, being a dependable friend, that would be fine.” Tom Monroe, their landlord before the fire, was a good friend to all. He'd recently accepted Ben and Jenny’s offer to be Godfather. “But I’m not like that. I can’t be a Godmother and just go through the motions. That ‘God’ in the title is there because in my mind, a Godmother should be a positive influence. Not just someone who goes around acting like… well, me.”
Raquel stood and paced a little as she spoke before sitting again.
“I know you say what I did to you ‘wasn’t my fault,’ even though my impulsive act led to it. But I can’t be sure to make good choices when it comes to a real human child. What if I see her near a street and go bonkers?”
“When you and Jenny first met, you wanted to act on impulse, right? But what did you do? Did you follow your selfish desires? Or did you sit and talk and start a lasting friendship?”
“Well…” Raquel sat and thought for a moment. “I suppose that time I did… what was right,” she said, muttering the final words.
“See, you knew friendship must be deep and more important. You make good choices. You'd talk with a child before about the dangers and watch closely. Make sure they always hold your hand.”
Raquel rolled her eyes. “Oh, I might have cracked the code once, figured out it was good to make friends, but honestly, even a stopped clock is right twice a day. Doesn’t mean I’m worthy of being a bloody Godmother.”
Megan had to raise her hand to pat Raquel's shoulder. “Raquel, that last week before the fire, you gave a lot of good advice. You helped LInda to make choices she hadn’t seen herself. You followed Tom and confided in Ben when Tom told you who was being mean to him and he stopped the guy.”
Raquel leaned back. “So I had a bit of a lucky streak.”
“I know you want to go above and beyond for your friends. They didn’t choose you because you’re perfect. They chose you because of your messes and the fact you know you need help cleaning them up in your life. That means there’s something else you need to look at.”
“What’s that?” Raquel asked, curious.
“You were so excited, and spent so much time thinking about the resurrection in that book, you totally forgot about the substitution.”
Raquel had to think. “Something about Edmund? And Turkish Delight, I remember that."
“Right. Aslan took Edmund’s place on the Stone Table. You talk about a lucky streak; Edmund didn’t even have that. He failed completely, dove headlong into the Turkish Delight with no stopping, and became a traitor who certainly couldn’t pay back what he owed. Yet Aslan loved him anyway, enough to suffer in his place, not because Edmund was worthy, but because of Aslan’s love.”
Megan stood and held Raquel’s hands in hers.
“Raquel, you’re terrified of failing Ben, Jenny, and the baby. But being a Godmother isn’t about always having the perfect answer. It’s about showing that child what to do when they mess up. How love, and grace, aren’t earned. They’re there, for that child to have even in the worst times. A Godmother shows a child what to do when they mess up, and points them to the one who paid the price they couldn’t pay on their own.”
“Are you sure? With the messes I’ve made…,” Raquel mourned.
“Who's still blaming you for my death?” Megan knew that was the mess Raquel was thinking about, so she absently picked and studied a flower for a moment while Raquel waited. Just as Raquel became impatient, Megan looked up again. “Do you hear anyone?”
“No…”
“Neither do I. I forgive you. And so does Jesus.”
“Jesus?” Raquel said the name, feeling like… well, like Edmund. She felt like she was in front of a cracked Stone Table, the words coming from Megan’s own lips making her feel totally free. The name “Jesus” came out soft and low, as if she’d heard it for the first time. “I- I can believe… my debt has been paid.”
“Right; just accept that substitution. What Jesus did for you. He doesn’t just say You're forgiven, good luck.’ He's great at fixing people when they let Him make them new inside. Not so we’ll be perfect, but so we’ll learn to rely on HIm. So every time a choice comes….” Megan sat again.
How do I…?” Raquel had been looking at a Bible that had been in Jenny's family for several generations before going to bed, but she had many questions - yet she was afraid to ask them.
“Just accept His sacrifice for your sins. That Jesus is God and that he took the punishment for our sins when he died on the cross and then rose from the dead. Then calling on him to save you and make you new.”
“And if I do that… I could be a good Godmother after all?”
Raquel dwelt on this for a moment.
“How will I know… He's helping me?”
“Prayer. Talk with God - you don't have to kneel or close your eyes because He's right there. And good friends who encourage your walk with God, and won't tear you down.”
“And if I pray and do all that…Lily will be safe?”
She doesn't need a savior. She has one - Jesus. But you can live a life that points her toward His love and mercy and kindness and gentleness and all those fun things,” Megan said, making a large circle with her arms.
“And I can because… I accept that I'm… forgiven.” That final, whispered word felt incredibly powerful.
As Raquel thought about it and became more certain, music and laughter suddenly announced themselves over the horizon.
“I've got to go. It's starting.” When asked what it was, Megan turned from where she'd bounded off the bench. “I'll find out. There's always something fun. We love creating.”
“Thanks.” Raquel stood and held onto their hug for a little while. “Goodbye.”
“It's only goodbye for a little while when you know Jesus. Then we have forever together.”
“Yes. Goodbye… for a while…” Raquel waved meekly as Megan skipped away. When she was not yet too far, Raquel called out. “If you see C.S. Lewis…” Megan turned. Raquel smiled. “Tell him thanks.”
“I will.”
Raquel sighed contentedly as she waved while Megan disappeared over the horizon shortly before Raquel woke up.
The light, sharp laughter and music slowly gave way to the melodious songs of birds on that early fall morning. Raquel opened her eyes, that old family Bible - mostly used lately to keep family records in, records which went back 150 years - catching her sight. She glanced at Ephesians 2, which she’d been looking at, especially verses 8 and 9.
“It makes sense,” she whispered into the dawn. “I believe you hear me, Jesus. And accept your sacrifice for me, that you died for me and rose again. You are my Saviour. I invite you to make me completely new.”
Years of heaviness transformed into a deep sense of peace. She was truly new inside. She didn’t have to try to make everything perfect on her own to cover up her messes. They had been totally cleaned, and if she slipped up, she could always go back to that moment and remember that er bond with God could never break.
THe same way she wanted that loving bond with Ben, Jenny, and the new baby to stay strong.
At breakfast, Raquel strode toward the table with confidence. “You look quite refreshed,” Jenny said as Ben dished scrambled eggs for her.
“Yes, I'm famished.” She sat at the table and thanked Ben when he went to get a plate of eggs for her. “I'm accepting your offer to be Godmother. But one thing…”
“Yes?”
Raquel gazed at the picture of Jenny's latest ultrasound, which was hanging on the refrigerator, as Ben placed another plate of eggs in front of her and sat himself with a third plate. She finally turned toward them.
“This is not a position I can take lightly. You know that I put way too much emphasis on my mates.”
“I've seldom known you to be halfhearted about anything,” Jenny said with a smile.
“I doubted my worth. But then she told me… she assured me…” Raquel enjoyed the slightly uneasy curiosity on their faces. “Megan was in a dream last night. And she told me I don't have to be perfect.”
Ben knew Jenny had some bad dreams about her mother, who died when she was 8. “Was it scary? Peaceful? What was the dream like?”
“Oh, incredibly peaceful. Fun. Healing.”
She turned toward the ultrasound picture.
“I received forgiveness from her and from Jesus. I won't be the kind who judges everyone. But I also won't be the kind who is so casual you would think it was just a game.” She pointed toward the ultrasound. “Lily, your little one, is going to know everything about love and mercy and forgiveness. And I intend to live a life that will prove it's real. And not just something for Sunday.” She turned back toward them. “And she is going to be bathed in prayer, constantly.”
Ben was a little taken aback. He hadn't expected this. He wasn't even sure how certain his faith was. However, he managed to find a voice after a moment.
“Raquel, part of me only sees the physical, because that's all I have time to do as a doctor. I just go from one case to the next.”
“Oh, a part of you, Doctor,” Raquel said lightheartedly. “But surely as you go about your day, you have seen people praying. Patients who have peace no textbook can explain.”
Ben conceded the point. “I have noticed times when prayer does… something very powerful. And I begin to think there is something out there we can't grasp.”
“Certainly. And if someone questions her faith, she will have the tools to defend it. I will teach her all the arguments, all the skeptics’ questions and the answers, and how to demonstrate that God is real, and that He didn’t disappear just because several generations were ravaged by war - from the Lost Generation of World War One to the children shuffled off to the North to protect them. She won’t just know the stories. By the time she’s ten she will be able to defend them,” Raquel said with a large grin.
Ben’s face contained an amazed, open-mouthed grin. “We always knew you loved a good debate. I feel sorry for her teachers in ten years.”
“I don’t. I’m going to be proud to have an intellectual dynamo,” Jenny said as she felt the baby kicking.
“I better brush up myself. Otherwise I’m going to have my daughter telling me when she is only five why there’s no such thing as vestigial organs,” Ben said, recalling one right away. “For instance, the appendix has been shown to have use in supporting good gut bacteria.”
Jenny smiled. “I’m just glad we can all smile and laugh at ourselves and feel that joy. I suppose Tom might be a little stunned at this. But, I’m sure he’ll learn to live with it.”
“As long as five-year-old Lily doesn’t turn that bit about gut bacteria into a joke about bottom burps,” Ben said with a smile.
“Or, maybe Tom will be the one teaching her the jokes, just to get one over on the kids who try to take the mickey out of her,’ Raquel suggested jovially.
“That line assures me you’re still going to be the same fun Raquel we’ve always known,” Ben said as he put a bite in his mouth.
“Right. I might live a bit differently, but we don’t need to drink to have fun, for example, and I already feel like I want my language to be cleaner. Most importantly, so much baggage has finally been removed from my shoulders. Which means I can - with Jesus’ help - fully and faithfully execute my duties as Godmother. Because this is a difficult world. And I want to make sure Lily can navigate it with confidence.”
Raquel smiled. She knew she could do it. Because she was finally doing so herself.
(From Agent One: Very interesting, Forty-three. Sometimes it’s the offspring, and not the people we save themselves. To grow up able to logically explain why she believes what she believes is a gift itself. If she is as powerful an influencer as C.S. Lewis became… wow. I guess we’ll have to wait and see, eh, Forty-three?)