Work Text:
Internalized Homophobia:
When an LGBTQ+ individual absorbs societal prejudices, turning them inward as shame, self-hatred, or anxiety regarding their own sexual orientation.
…
Emily Charlton doesn’t need a wealthy man to be happy.
Hell, she didn’t need anyone to be happy.
So if that’s true, why is she still yearning for someone…?
Emily was happy with her job at Dior but she still constantly looks back to her time at Runway and in all honestly, she still misses it. She didn’t miss Miranda, she couldn’t stand that Devil. She liked Nigel, he was one of the few nice people at Runway. Emily hadn’t talked to Serena in a long time but apparently she's a model now. And then there was-
…
No.
She shan’t be reminded of that person.
Emily had hoped she would never see Andrea Sachs again after her call got ignored Emily had to build up the courage for multiple days before actually making the call.
All that built up confidence had gone to waste as soon as that phone went to voicemail.
She never called her back.
She never wanted to speak of her ever again.
But she simply couldn’t stop thinking about her…
Of course, that silence would last for a long time, 20 years to be exact, but only recently, that silence broke again.
“Am I having a hallucination?”
“Emily, hi!”
Emily just stared at the girl behind Miranda and Nigel, she couldn’t believe that she was here again.
20 fucking years and she just shows up again.
But, no matter how hard she tries, Emily simply cannot get Andrea off of her mind.
However, she’s still interested in her… While she is nervous, Emily takes out her phone and types out a message to a certain girl.
ANDREA
Emily: Hello Andrea, it’s Emily. I was wondering if you’d like to meet up for dinner sometime.
Emily is a fool.
Why did she bother texting Andrea? It’s not like she's going to respond-
Ding !!
Emily grabbed her phone and unlocked it, showing a notification from Andy.
She did respond…
Andrea: Hey Em, I’d love to meet up with you !!
Emily put her phone down and leaned back in her chair, groaning in the process.
Yes, Andrea agreed to go to dinner with her but…something just doesn’t sit right with her.
She’s abhorred this girl for 30 years. But yet, she still loves her as well…
…
A few days later, Emily was sitting at a rooftop restaurant waiting for Andy to make her entrance.
A few minutes later, she heard the clicking of boots approach closer and closer to the table. She didn’t even need to look up to know it was her.
“Hey Emily!”
Emily slowly looked up at her face. Per usual, that dewy smile on her face. Emily couldn’t stand it…
If she couldn’t stand anything about Andy, why did she even ask to go to dinner in the first place?
Why did she love her as much as she did?
“Hello Andrea,”
Emily looked at what Andy was wearing and simply looked back down at the menu. Andy went to go sit in the chair across from her, trying to incorporate some small talk.
“So…How have you been?”
“Perfectly fine. You?” Emily coldly responded, still not looking up to Andy’s face.
If she were to look into those brown eyes for more then 2 seconds she wouldn’t be able to stop without kissing that smile off her lips…
“Ive been good! Got rehired at Runway as you already know. I still don’t know how I got the job…”
Emily finally looked up at her and raised an eyebrow in confusion. “Didn’t you apply for the job?”
Andy shook her head in response, “Nope. I got a call from Irv to go back to Runway and just…got the job. Miranda didn’t know but she still gave it to me.”
Emily’s eyes went wide when she heard this, though instead of intervening, she chose to remain silent, only nodding.
Dinner went by fast, faster then Emily would have hoped for. When the time came, she said goodbye to Andy. Turning on her heel to walk away, she was stopped by Andy.
“Wait Emily!”
Emily turned around to face Andy.
“Yes Andrea, what do you want?”
Andy walked up to Emily and hugged her.
Emily recoiled in disgust, hoping Andy wouldn’t notice her actually leaning into it.
“Andrea, what is this for…?”
“It’s just really nice to see you again…”
When Andy pulled back from her she was smiling and blushing a little.
“We should do this again sometime”
Emily looked right at Andy, feeling her face turn pink.
“Y-yes…We can plan another time to meet up…”
And with that, Andy walked past her, leaving Emily stunned and speechless from what had just happened.
A small smile appeared across her face, small and rare.
She’ll sleep better tonight.
…
Emily didn’t know why she was like this.
She’s dated plenty of men in her life but she’s never felt genuine love toward them.
She had a feeling she had no interest in men when she was 22.
The Year Andrea was Hired at Runway.
However, she stayed with Frank and Benji to…feel normal…Emily didn’t know how to feel about this, she shouldn’t be like this. She shouldn’t be interested in people of her same sex…But her heart beating, telling her it’s true.
So why out of all women…she had to be interested in Andrea Sachs?
Emily didn’t know what to do.
So, she went to Nigel.
A few days after her original meetup with Andy, she waltzed her way into Runway, unbeknownst to anyone. Her one goal, DO NOT get seen by Andy, Miranda, Amari…Okay honestly anyone who isn’t Nigel.
Emily went up next to the door and lightly knocked on the door.
“Yes, come in.”
“Good Morning Nigel.”
Nigel looked up and smiled lightly. “Ms.Charlton. Lovely to see you.”
“Please Nigel, no need to flatter me, and just call me Emily.”
Emily walked more into the office as Nigel started questioning her. “Emily, what are you doing at Runway? I don’t recall Runway having anything new coming up with Dior.”
Emily slowly sat down in one of the chairs, “Well…I need your support on something.”
Nigel turned around in his chair to face her directly, “Tell me then.”
Emily took a slow deep breath and finally let it all out…
“Okay…I think I have a crush on Andrea,”
Nigel’s eyes widened at the sentence as Emily kept talking.
“And I don’t know why, it’s just…I think it started after I saw her again with you 3 at Dior. I haven’t seen her since she quit Runway…so it was quite a shock for me. I don’t even know why I like her. She’s idiotic! I can’t stand her…But even when I convince myself I can’t…”
“Can’t what?”
“Can’t love her…But, whenever I do, those feelings always circle back, the feelings I truly can love her. It seems impossible, she’s still with that Australian man so I have no chance.”
Nigel nods slowly, showing he had been listening the whole time. Then, he starts speaking slowly, a sentence that would change Emily's sense of herself…
“Andrea and Peter split up a while ago.”
Emily’s eyes widened upon hearing that. She hadn’t expected it either.
“Do you know why?”
Nigel shook his head.
“Nope. No one does. She doesn’t like talking about it, though she seems okay now.”
Emily slowly got up from the chair and started to exit the room. Nigel turned around when he heard the clicking of heels Nigel went up to Emily before she left the room, he put his hand on her shoulder and simply whispered,
“Go talk to her. You have a chance Emily, you just need to accept yourself and take it.”
After that Nigel simply went back to his desk, leaving Emily in her thoughts.
“Have a good day Nigel.”
“You as well Emily.”
Emily turned away from Nigel and started to walk away. All she had to do was make it to the elevator without getting recognized-
“Emily?”
Fuck.
Emily turned around upon hearing the familiar voice who of course belonged to Andrea Sachs.
“Andrea.”
Andy smiled at Emily as she slowly started walking toward her.
“What are you doing here?”
Emily cleared her throat as she began to explain, “I had some business to discuss with Nigel.”
Not entirely a lie, that talk with Nigel was considered important by Emily. Nigel would probably think otherwise but why does that matter right now?
Andy didn’t bat an eye at Emily’s lie and simply kept on talking.
“Y’know you never texted me about when you wanted to meet next. Are you free tonight?”
Emily thought about it for a second. A lot could go down if she said yes, but she didn’t know if she wanted to…Emily hesitated more and more as she thought about her decision. In the end, she didn’t want to.
“I’m sorry Andrea, I’m incredibly tired and I don’t think I could go to a restaurant until late at night.”
Andy’s smile faltered for a second before she came up with another idea.
“I could come over!”
Emily stared at her in confusion when she said that. “What do you mean ‘I could come over’? What does that entail?”
“I mean I could come over and we could make something or watch a movie, maybe with some wine?”
Great. Now Emily had to think of an entirely different scenario. Did she want Andrea to come over to her apartment? Yes. As Emily was pondering, Nigel's words came back to her.
“Go talk to her. You have a chance Emily, you just need to accept yourself and take it.”
…Accept yourself.
…
At around 8PM, the doorbell to Emily’s apartment rang loudly throughout the house followed by very loud knocking.
She did not miss this at all.
Emily walked over to the door and let Andy in. Being Andy, of course she had a huge grin on her face.
God, Emily hated that grin. But she also loved it so much…
Andy was stunned by the apartment upon walking in it. To be fair, it was incredibly fancy but it also showed the side of Emily no one usually saw.
This apartment seems…safer. A place where Emily can be herself after a hard day of dealing with people at her respective job. Andrea looked toward Emily. Emily was on her phone but she seemed more calm and less like a tyrannical executive.
She loved this side of Emily.
Emily’s voice snapped her out of her thoughts.
“What are you just staring at? Can you go grab glasses from the cupboard next to you? I’m going to grab the wine.”
Emily walked out of the room, leaving Andrea there.
After a few moments, Andy moved to go grab the glasses, setting them out as Emily walked back in, “I see you are capable of something.” Emily set the wine down, and walked toward Andy.
“Ive been saving this wine for a while. Benji bought it for me in Italy.”
Andy nodded as Emily reached over to pour the wine in the glasses.
The two brought the glasses over to Emily’s couch and sat down. And for once, they just began talking. They didn’t realize how much time had passed, only that the wine bottle had slowly gotten emptier. Their talk was relatively nice, until Andy brought it up..
“Did you know Peter broke up with me?”
Andrea couldn’t know that Nigel told Emily. So she lied again.
“No I didn’t, how come?”
Andy took a deep breath before talking, Emily paying immense attention.
“Peter…he is honestly not the best person for me. I like someone who’s hardworking and honest,”
Hardworking and Honest…
“And he just isn’t like that…Yeah he is hardworking but he and I just didn’t click. Well, we did but something just…It didn’t work…”
“Andrea, I can tell there's more to this, so spit it out-”
“He cheated on me.”
.
Oh.
Emily didn’t expect that.
She sat there, while Andrea poured herself more wine into her glass.
Andrea looked toward Emily’s face and broke out in laughter.
Emily stayed still as Andy was laughing. When she was done from her high, she smiled toward Emily.
“I’m wondering why you’re asking me this, I mean you never cared about Peter right? So why all the sudden interest?”
Emily was still speechless and couldn’t speak. She didn’t realize Andrea was slowly leaning more toward her.
Andrea’s face and hers were mere inches apart, Andrea went up to Emily’s ear and simply whispered…
“It’s almost as if you’re in love with me..”
With that, Andy closed the distance between them, her lips on Emily’s.
Emily should be happy right? She’s been wanting this for so long…
So how come she's not melting into it, but pushing away?
Emily separated them as soon as possible and pushed Andy away.
“Emily…?”
“Get out of my house.”
“Emily please no…”
“Get out.”
“Emily please let me explain..!”
“Theres nothing to explain Andrea.”
“I love you Emily.”
“No…That’s a mistake. You’re just confused…just please,”
“Emily…”
“Go home Andrea…”
Andy didn’t bother fighting anymore. She grabbed her coat and left, muttering a small “Good night.” To her.
As the door slammed shut, Emily was left to think, tears falling down her face.
Why did she do that…?
She’s been wanting this for so long, so when the moment came, why did she pull back?
…
She’s pathetic.
Emily didn’t have the strength to move from her couch to her bedroom. So, she stayed on the couch that night.
Emily didn’t go to work the next day or the day after that. Emily never misses work.
She put it as a ‘Medical Emergency’.
She lied again; She was in too much pain to do anything. She needed to see Andrea again. Emily however couldn’t gather the strength to text and face her again.
On day 4 of confining herself to her apartment, there was a knock on Emily’s door.
Emily got up and went to the door, not expecting who would actually be at that door.
Miranda.
Emily’s eyes widened in shock as Miranda stood in the doorway.
“Are you going to let me in or not, Emily?”
Her voice snapped Emily out of her shock and let Miranda in.
“May I ask why you’re here?”
Miranda looked up to Emily, a stern expression still maintained on her face. “A little bird told me what happened between you and Andrea.”
Nigel.
“I was meant to go to Dior to talk to you but I was told you’ve been out of work for almost a week. This must really have hurt you?”
Emily didn’t look Miranda in the eye, she couldn’t bear to, all she did was mumble…
“I think I love her.”
However Miranda, being the keen person she is, heard what Emily had said.
“If you love her then why didn’t you take your chance with her?”
Slowly, tears started falling down Emily’s face. She didn’t want to answer Miranda’s question but she had to. She said something inaudible.
“What was that?”
Emily looked up at Miranda with hot tears down her face. She said it slowly, but loud enough for Miranda to hear.
“My mind tells me I can’t love her.”
Tears continue to stream down Emily’s face as Miranda stares at her, her eyes widened a bit. Slowly, Miranda turns around and starts to walk to the door with Emily still in her same position.
Before Miranda walks out the door, she stares right at Emily and simply says,
“What does your heart say?”
Emily doesn’t respond.
Miranda goes on,
“Your mind may disagree with you, but your heart is the person you should listen to. If your heart says you love her, then you do. Stop listening to that voice in your head, Emily, the one that ridicules you and constantly brings you down. Talk to her. Fix what happened.”
Emily stood there. She was stunned, tears were still on her face but none fell. They began to slowly dry. Miranda walked out the door, leaving with a small “Have a good day.” To her, once again, leaving Emily alone in her apartment.
Emily stayed like that for a while. She didn’t know what to think about what Miranda had said. Slowly, a small smile began forming across her face.
She wanted Andrea.
She wanted Andrea.
She wanted Andrea.
She wanted Andrea.
…
Andrea was a mess.
She had already ranted to Nigel, Jin, Charlie…honestly anyone who would listen. She however, did not expect Nigel to tell Miranda of all people.
Miranda and Nigel walked into Andy’s office, at first she didn’t notice them but then Nigel lightly knocked on the door which got her attention.
“What’s up?”
“We have a meeting with the executive of Dior. You need to come with us, so chop chop.”
Nigel clapped his hands as Andy quickly gathered her stuff and rushed to the car.
When they got to Dior, they went into the conference room and waited.
That’s when it kicked in to Andy.
They are at Dior.
Before she could continue, Emily walked into the room and stared at Andy for a minute before heading to her seat.
Nigel and Miranda acted like nothing happened and simply began talking.
Emily and Andrea didn’t look at each other the whole meeting.
As soon as it was over, Emily retreated back to her office, leaving Miranda, Nigel, and Andrea behind. Andrea looked to Miranda and Nigel, with some confusion on her face.
“Wait so why did you have me come here if I didn’t even talk the entire time?”
Nigel and Miranda stay silent.
“Wait.”
Andy pieces it together.
“Nigel, you told Miranda!”
“Yes I did, and Miranda talked to Emily a few days ago.”
Andy groaned in annoyance while Nigel and Miranda stood in amusement.
“Six, you need to understand, this has been going on for 2 weeks. You two just need to settle everything.”
Andy stared at Nigel in disbelief, “Nigel, she literally kicked me out of her home and hasn’t answered any of my messages or calls. How am I supposed to talk to her if she won’t even answer me!?”
“I can do something.”
Andy and Nigel looked over to Miranda who had said that.
“And what could you do?”
“You’ll see.”
A few hours later at Andy’s apartment, she got a knock on her door. When she answered it, she was shocked by who actually appeared outside.
Emily.
Emily stood there, looking sharp as always. “Well Andrea, will you let me in or not?”
Yep she missed this Emily. The bitchy one.
Andy let Emily in, and they both went to sit on the couch. Andy, being a fool, decided to bring up what happened.
“Emily about what happened…”
“Shush. I’m not here to talk about that.”
Andy’s eyes widened a bit, she was sure that Emily wanted to talk but now she didn’t know what she wanted to talk about.
“I…I actually came to apologize.”
Andy’s mind was blown.
Emily came to apologize?
“Apologize for what?”
“For not answering your messages and calls. I’ve been sick and busy lately.”
“Em, we both know that’s not the reason.”
Emily cracked then, knowing she had to come clean to Andy.
“Fine. I’ve been blowing you off because of guilt.”
“Guilt of what?”
“For what I did.”
Ah. So Emily did want to talk about what happened.
“Em it’s perfectly fine I shouldn’t have-“
“Can’t you be quiet for 3 seconds Andrea? Let me explain.”
Andy promptly shut up then, letting Emily speak and let everything out.
“I…fuck…I don’t know how to start but..well how about I start by apologizing? Andrea I have been yearning for someone for 20 years who actually understands me. I couldn’t give two shits about Frank and Benji, they never mattered to me. Somehow though, in all of my lowest moments, you would show up with your gooey chipper voice. It annoyed me so much, I abhorred it. My mind hates me for it, it tells me I can’t be like this and I must stay who I was. But my heart disagrees. I simply cannot stop this Andrea, I can’t. Whenever I’m around you it just fixes me and…it makes me feel loved…When I first pushed you away, I regretted it instantly, it was an instance of my mind telling me this isn’t supposed to be how it is and I can’t become one of those…I don’t want to listen to my mind anymore, I want to listen to my heart. And my heart is telling me I need to be with you. You are the only person who can actually understand how I feel. So please Andrea, Tell me you still understand me…tell me you still love me…tell me you still want me.”
When Emily was done Andy just sat there, speechless. Never once in her life had she heard that someone wanted her this badly.
Then slowly, Emily went up to Andy’s face and kissed her. It wasn’t like the first time when one of them didn’t want it, this time both of them wanted it. And with them both wanting it, that meant they both didn’t let go.
When they finally pulled back, they were left in an embrace with each other. They were together in a small dusty room, one Emily told Andy to clean countless times.
They enjoyed the time together, it was one that couldn’t be broken easily and wouldn’t be broken easily.
They would stay, a bond unbreakable, even if the forces of the world tried to break them apart
They would stay.
…