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What is platonic?
The line between a friendship and romantic feelings should be clear-cut. Straightforward. It shouldn’t feel so ambiguous. Looks thrown across rooms and deep understanding of one another. Deep, unconditional love. Having had him in her life for so long, she couldn’t imagine it any other way. A rock, a constant, a guarantee. She relied on him more than her prideful independence could allow her to admit.
Why, why were her feelings so hazy?
When did doubt begin to creep in?
Whenever it was, it forbade her from keeping her head clear at this party.
She could feel every inch of the space between them.
Could almost feel his breath.
His eyes.
I like to feel his eyes on me when I look away.
He was stability, he was solace. A promise. Assurance. He was like an oath that was never broken.
How could she ever risk losing something like that?
The one constant in the turmoil of her life.
Pin couldn’t look at him without feeling guilt, at times. How he stayed despite it all, and through it all. What he hasn’t done for her. She wishes she could’ve been better for him. She wishes she could be better now for him.
You could live a thousand lives and never deserve that boy.
It’d be selfish to ask for more. It’d be ravenous to ask for more than his, already invaluable, friendship.
No, she couldn’t put it on the line.
And yet…
The haziness of the situation might’ve done it. The cider in her system getting to her head, seeping into her unconscious, digging up at her true heart’s desires. The slowness of the night, and the already existing proximity to him. Getting closer felt like rain falling once you’re already deep inside the water. What’s more water to the drowning girl? What’s a touch more, less inches of asphyxiating space, allowing her to breathe and suffocating her at the same time? The heat of his body burnt her alive and yet she’d die without the warmth.
His look.
Those eyes.
Stop looking at me like that.
Although she didn’t think the words left her lips, she could hear his reply. See his sly smile. Like what?
Like you love me.
Then he’d reply, of course I do. Don’t be silly.
Pin knew he loved her. He’d done so much for her, hadn’t he? It’d be stupid to ask.
But she meant, would you still love me in the same way?
She didn’t want anything to change.
But the thought of wanting more never left her head.
…
Maybe it didn’t have to mean more. It could just mean he’d be less afraid of inching closer. Of blurring the line between a friend and a lover. Whichever one, it didn’t matter, when she knew soulmate was the best fit. They could read each other’s minds. They were joined at the hip.
Whatever souls are made of, his and mine are the same.
Pin and Coiny. Coiny and Pin.
Pin.
“Pin.”
The whisper of her name sounded so natural falling from his lips, and she wished nobody else knew it so that only he could speak it.
“Coiny.”
It felt so instinctive to call it.
She felt movement from him, even when her gaze had remained fixed on the wall in front of her. Sitting criss-crossed on the floor, with a deck of cards and plastic cups encircling them. Just another physical reminder of their unavoidable proximity as of the moment.
She heard his breath, slow but trying to steady an uneasy agitation.
Finally, she turned towards him, facing the sweetness in his look head-on.
Oh, Coiny.
How she wished she hadn’t. She could melt.
The soft curve of his lips into that smirk. And yet, his voice still a careful whisper.
“You didn’t… mean to say that out loud, did you.”
Her heart dropped.
Rapidly, she blinked. Her eyebrows shot up. Stammering, trying to make sense of what happened. Understanding the vulnerability she’d just exposed herself to. Feeling disarmed.
Then, his laugh. Oh, it made her want to punch him. But also made it irresistible to smile.
Her fight-or-flight instinct was on, but all she did instead was freeze as he slung his arm around her.
“Pin, I love you,” he said, not as a confession, as a fact. As this simple, primordial truth. And it made Pin’s eyes well up. The girl that thought she didn’t deserve to feel loved. After all she’d done? And being loved by the one she’s put through the most pain?
Maybe pain is loving her.
“What good has that done for you, though?”
Coiny’s gaze shifted to something melancholic, eyes full of compassion. He stroked her hair and it felt like his fingers had been designed by the one above to graze her head.
“It means I have you in my life. And that’s enough of a jackpot already.”
Pin shoved him away playfully.
“Shut up.”
“I mean it.”
Pin smiled. “I know you do.”
Enough of a jackpot. That stuck with her. It was enough, she shouldn’t ask for more. His love was already so good to her, and yet she was tip-toeing into gambling it away.
He’d be such a good boyfriend. He’s such a good everything already.
Pin was astoundingly struck by the realization. I want him to be by my side, every day. I want many things, but I want him to be there.
She looked at him once more. Fatal mistake.
Do you want children? Do you wanna marry me?
I’ve got things to do, like nothing at all. I wanna do them with you… do you wanna do them with me?
Pin felt her eyes dropping, a sense of peace unlike any other within her heart. His fingers still entangled in her hair, his other arm still slung around her shoulder.
I could die right now.
I just want to have this forever.
“Coiny, I love you too.”
Pin had always wondered when she’d finally dare to say those three words to someone, if ever. She wondered if it’d feel like too much.
Surprisingly, she felt as though they fell short.
Coiny’s movement momentarily halted.
A pause. Too long.
“Please tell me that’s not just the cider speaking.”
Pin then shifted to face him upfront, no room for shying away from eye contact. No hiding.
She took hold of his hand, heart daring to jump out of her chest right between them.
It might as well have.
“No, it’s not.”
There, once she looked up from his hand and to his face, she saw the look of a guy who could drop dead after having heard the words he’d anxiously desired to hear for an eternity of a life. She suspected he, too, felt like he could die right then.
She inched closer, wrapping her arms around his neck. Somewhat in disbelief, Coiny stayed still for a moment before placing his palm on the back of her head, and another wrapped steadily around her waist.
No space for hesitation. Even as her hands trembled.
It was just the right fit,
like they’d been designed to kiss each other.
She didn’t even process when it happened, but from one moment to the next their lips were intertwined and everything felt like it clicked. The line wasn’t fuzzy; there never had to be a line. They were friends and they were lovers and they were soulmates and they fit like two puzzle pieces. And she knew things didn’t have to change. Nothing would change.
I know everybody changes, but I hope that we don’t.
She would still tell him everything. They would still joke around.
He would still be, first and foremost, her best friend.
It’s what he’d always been.
Why should that have to change, right?