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Sometimes Red gives her this look.
There are times where she’ll wander around the ship aimlessly, thinking of him.
It’s stupid, really. She should know better than to go crazy over a boy…again.
But she can’t forget those kisses, those touches, those glances, and the first time they ever met.
He pretty much saved her.
Okay, they saved each other, but metaphorically…he saved her.
From loneliness. From crime. From being anyone but herself. He helped her find home…or he at least helped her start looking for one. Maybe she’s found it already, who knows?
It’s just…when it happened…
She knows that was just Raven’s possession when he…
Hard, wanting, hot. Power, dominance, danger. Passionate.
The first kiss – it was passionate as hell, and she loved every second of it. She loved every kiss after as well. It filled something within her she’d been looking to complete. Something that’s been needing filling since Diesel left it empty…
…no. That’s a lie.
It had been empty since even before him.
But it was an ache, a longing, and hollow feeling she hated. Red helped fill it in after she didn’t have Diesel anymore. Now that it’s swirling back and pulling her under, she just wants it filled again. She wants the feeling to go away. She wants to feel complete.
So sometimes, he’ll catch her looking at him in her own way. Whether she’s staring at his hands, wishing she could wrap him into a hold. Whether she’s staring at his mouth, hoping to ravish him all over his body. Whether she’s staring into those blue blue eyes that are so bright and so intense…
And he’ll start looking at her like…
…like he fucking feels bad for her.
And she can’t stand it. She doesn’t need some normal, teenage, home schooled, know-it-all, boy feeling sorry for her. She’s Cassie Sandsmark, and she doesn’t need anyone’s pity. She shouldn’t even have been so crazy to need a boy or any man to make her feel whole…
…she doesn’t need that. Right…right?
What she doesn’t understand is how could he not feel anything? Like anything at all? Was she not–
No. Forget it.
But what she doesn’t understand, most of all, more than anything…sometimes he’ll get that look. That look as though he’s ruined something, like he has this responsibility hanging over his head. That look as though everything is his fault. That look he gives her…sometimes he’ll give that look to…
Doesn’t matter.
Maybe it’s not her. Maybe it’s just Red, and there are different reasons for whatever it is that makes him make those eyes that make her want to tear her hair out.
But she can only wait so long before she needs answers and will demand them on her own terms.
“Cassie?” Pulling him up by the collar of his polo, she tugged his face towards her. Before he could even think to push her away, or attempt to anyways, their lips met one another.
Flat, empty, cold. Grey, sorrow, sad. Lost.
Even quicker then when she pulled him up, she shoved him back down covering her mouth as a sting pushed at her eyes, a choke shoved into her throat, and that hole in her heart grew…“Why?”…why did it hurt?
“Cassie?”
“Why?” She could feel her chest pound and the walls around her blurred. Why? Why? Why? What is this? Why? Why? Why? Why?
“Cassie? What’s wrong?” As she inched away further into the air, he stood up and took both her hands into his, staring up with those blue, blue eyes, “is there something you want to talk about?”
“Just leave me alone,” was all she could mutter without letting it pouring out, but as she tried to get away he only followed. That frustrated her even more. She didn’t understand. Why? Why? Why? Why? Why?
“I’m sorry, Cassie. I really am.” His voice was gentle as he called after her, trailing behind closely as she inched further and further away. She didn’t understand…why…why…why…did it feel so…
“Doesn’t matter, it’s not like it’s a big deal or anything…just me alone.” She just wanted to understand…what was this? Why did it feel…
“You’re crying, Cassie…”
“I’m not crying; don’t make me bash your head in.” She seethed, but she knew she didn’t want to get away. She just wants to understand…why did it feel…why did it feel…
Before she even realized it, she had her face buried into his shoulder, and the tears came pouring out. Why does it feel so…
I miss him so much.
“I know it hurts.”
“You didn’t hurt me.” She snapped, but he continued to hold her.
“I didn’t say I did.”
She didn’t understand why that made her angry, and why it hurt so much. So she shoved him away, not really caring his body probably hit the wall pretty hard. Not caring about anything at all, really. There was a hotness in her face, and it was hard to think, to breathe, to not…not hurt. “Then what do you want from me, Red? Why can’t you let me have my space? Why can’t you just let me have some peace and quiet? I’m on the team. I guess we’re friends. What do you need?!” She screamed, and she just wanted to fly away, do anything, make it all stop…
“Cassie, stop.”…but Red only took her back into his arms and held on tighter.
“What do you want from me?” She sobbed into his shoulder; she’s not normally this emotional. Not over stupid boys…she didn’t understand, “what do you want from me?”
“Nothing.” He whispered into her hair, “nothing.”
“Good, because that’s what I got.” She couldn’t understand.
“I’m sorry, Cassie.”
“Why do you need to be sorry, at all?” She asked, getting a little angry at herself for overreacting this much, for being so damn confused.
“Because, if there’s anything I’ve learned…” He said quietly, running a comforting hand through her hair, never letting go “…a heart never forgets when it’s been broken”
There was something in his words that rung within her. Without thinking she requested weakly, “can I confess something to you? And you won’t tell anyone?”
“Or you’ll beat my ass up? Of course, I know how it works.” She could feel him smirking into her hair, and that made her smile, just a little.
“Even before Diesel…” she hesitated for a moment, feeling everything coming down on her all at once. Feelings she didn’t understand…why? “…I’ve always felt like I lost everything.” Why? “Always.”
“Cassie…”
“Can you promise me, I won’t lose you too?” He turned her head to face his, and with a determination only the greatest leaders have ever had, he told her…
“You won’t lose me, or any of us. Not Kiran, not Miguel, not Bart…not…Kon-” he paused, swallowing something before finishing, “…not any of us.”
“Thanks, Red.” Before pulling away completely, she pecked him on the lips in gratitude.
It was caring.
And it meant…something.
But not enough of something.
When would she find the missing part of her?
She just wants someone sweet, someone wonderful, someone beautiful, someone who wouldn’t judge her for all the things she does so, so wrong…she just wants to know…no matter what happens, even when the world is on her shoulders and the pressure is on…
I am so happy to be here with you. I see it in your eyes and hear it in your voice. I know you love me.
I do love you.
And I love you too. We’re here together, that’s all that matters. I don’t want to waste another second, okay? Not another second.
Gentle, soft, warm. Sweet, affectionate, tender. Home.
…she would always be loved.