Chapter Text
“Information is power.”
That is something my dad has always told me. Despite throwing aside most of his other teachings, that is something that has always stayed with me through my whole life. It is what has made me into who I am today. That teaching has helped me survive through all this; what has made me strong and confident.
My back burns as I slide against the floor from a powerful kick daddy hit me with in my stomach. I am dressed in a sleeveless red and yellow kimono top in my size with matching short, red pants but it does little to lessen the friction of gliding against the floor. I cough and clutch my stomach as I roll over to my side to regain my breath from his kick.
Why does it hurt so much…?
Daddy sighs slightly when he sees me on the floor, still gasping for air. He walks forward and gently lifts me up to my feet, brushing away my short, black hair from my sweaty face so he can see it clearly. I lean on my daddy, exhausted and he lets me do that for a few seconds before he pushes me away from him to stand straight. Our identical amber colored eyes meet, mine exhausted and daddy’s blank.
“That is enough for today Aiya. Tidy up and then meet me at the study to practice your calligraphy.”
But writing is so boring… why do I have to do it? Can’t I draw pictures instead?
I do not tell daddy what I really want to say but instead take a step back, bowing low even though I am exhausted, just like I am supposed to do.
“Yes, father.”
I stay bowed until he has left the room, straightening up with a small wince as I feel my back hurt more. I touch my back slightly, feeling tears gather in my eyes at the pain. I then slowly make my way towards the second door in our training room so I can make it to the bathroom. I know Nanny will be there to help me bath, but I have to get there by myself. I feel my body hurt more as I continue to walk and my tears flow down freely down my chubby cheeks, sniffling a few times as I walk through the room.
N-no! No crying! Daddy says it’s bad! And-and I don’t like the heat! The heat is bad! No crying!
I wipe off the tears off my cheeks, feeling that my cheeks are really warm. I place my hand against my cheeks, clapping them a little to stop crying. I do not cry anymore, but I am still really warm. It always feels warm when I am crying, I do not like it.
N-nanny will shower me cold. The heat will leave then. Nanny always chase away the heat! She’s really nice! Mommy is also nice, but not like nanny. Mommy teaches me a lot, just like daddy. I hope daddy doesn’t go on a trip soon, I don’t like seeing mommy sad when daddy is gone.
When I open the door, Nanny is already there waiting for me. She gives me a warm smile, just like mommy gives me. Her eyes are grey instead of mommy’s yellow ones, but I like the look she is giving me. Nanny softly takes my hand in hers and lead me to the bathroom to shower me off.
“You did great today, Aiya. You are getting better and better. How old are you, again?”
I smile at her, keeping my back straight even though it hurts to do so. I do not want nanny to worry about me.
“I am three, nanny. I will become four in two weeks.”
Nanny smiles brightly at me, squeezing my hand slightly while she tucks away a lock of curly brown hair that has escaped the bun she has on the top of her head.
“That is wonderful, darling! I am sure your father will be home this time, then we can have a party for you with all of us together.”
I grin brightly, doing a small jump in the air in joy and completely forgetting the pain in my body. Daddy could not come to my third birthday because he got a month long mission two weeks before that. I hope he can come this time!
“Yeah! Oh, I’m sorry! I mean, I would be really glad if that happened.”
I can feel heat on my cheeks when I do not talk politely to nanny, looking down at the floor to not meet her eyes. She would look at me with disapproval, just like mommy and daddy would do if they heard me say something like that.
I hope nanny doesn’t tell daddy… I don’t want daddy to be angry with me, he always get scary when I don’t talk politely. But I hope daddy can stay for my birthday. It would be so much fun to celebrate with him, mommy and nanny. If daddy is home, then mommy won’t be sad. And if mommy isn’t sad, then she’ll give me birthday kisses and hug me. Just like she does when I do something good. Nanny has told me about birthday kisses and given me one. I hope mommy can give me one too.
“Father. Why do I have to learn calligraphy? Do I not get to learn it in school?”
Father looks down at me from the other side of the study table, placing the scroll he is reading in his lap to address me properly. His amber eyes are blank with his black hair tied up in a tight knot at the top of his head to show authority. When I turn four, I will also have a top knot, just like daddy. He has promised me that. Daddy look over the sign I have just painted on the rice paper before me, nodding in approval even though a few lines for ‘law’ is a little messy.
“Because information is power. By learning how to write, you have control over that information. You will learn how to store it, how to send it and how to receive it.” There he paused, looking at me sternly. “I refuse to have an illiterate daughter.”
I think over his answer for a few seconds before I nod at his wise words. I then continue on writing small signs on the patch of rice paper, father going back to reading his scroll. The task for today is to write all the signs I know and then have daddy look over it to spot any mistakes. If I get four signs wrong, we will move on to firebending even though I am still exhausted from our martial arts training. If I get everything right, I will learn new letters.
I will do my best to make daddy happy! I want daddy and mommy to be proud of me, so I will do as they say and not complain. If I complain, they won’t give me smiles and hugs, they will be angry. I don’t like them angry, so I’ll do my best!
I do my best to get everything right and sit nervously as Daddy look over my calligraphy. It is hard to write, my hand always start to shake and I am unsteady. I always do my best to take it slow so that the lines will be as straight as possible. But I do not have the patience yet. Daddy says that it is okay, that I will grow more patient as I get older. But I still want to be better, so that mommy and daddy can be proud of me. They do not praise me that much, so I always get super happy when the do. Then I have done something really good.
Daddy look over the letters one by one before he turns to me, putting the papers down on his wooden work desk. Daddy has a really nice study. It has a lot of wood furniture and everything is neat and organized. Books are in one shelf and scrolls in the other. When I grow up, I want to have a nice study just like Daddy's. Daddy nod slightly.
"We will now proceed to writing new letters."
I smile widely as I succeed, nodding with my Amber eyes sparkling in glee. I made Daddy proud!
I wake up early in the morning when I hear hurried footsteps pass by my room. Blinking the sleep out from my eyes, I crawl out from bed with my small stuffed dragon clutched to my chest as I make my way towards the door. I quietly slide it open, looking in the direction the footsteps were walking in. It is towards the exit, is nanny going out shopping? But she does not shop this early.
I walk in the same direction as the footsteps and as I get closer to the exit, I can hear voices. They sound angry and sad.
I hope mommy and daddy aren’t fighting again. Mommy always get so sad when they do and she always look angry at me.
“-mission, Xiao li. I cannot refuse his direct order. I have to go.”
“But her birthday is tomorrow… Can’t you stay for a few more hours at least? Please…”
I stop when I hear what they are talking about and I can feel tears gather in my eyes. Daddy… He has to leave on a mission again… Now I will do my morning exercises alone and practise calligraphy with mommy when she is sad. I clutch my blue dragon harder to my chest, closing my eyes tightly to force down the tears when I feel that heat again.
N-no! Bad heat! Go away! Bad tears! Not when mommy and daddy are here! E-even though daddy will go away again, I can’t cry! Daddy will be mad! I don’t want daddy mad!
“Aiya.”
I flinch slightly at daddy’s hard tone and make a final attempt to push down my tears once again before I walk the last steps around the corner so mommy and daddy can see me from the door on the other side of the wide room. I bow down to him politely, still holding onto my dragon.
“So you are going away again, father…” I state sadly when I straighten up and look at him. His gaze is blank and they meet mine for a few seconds before they move down towards the stuffed dragon I am clutching to my red-clad chest. His eyes harden at my dragon and I can see mommy look between daddy and me in concern which automatically make me hug my dragon tighter.
“What is that?” Daddy asks me, still staring at my dragon. I start to get worried when his eyes start burning like fire, burning like they do when he is angry.
What does daddy have against Ryuuji? He hasn’t done anything wrong…
“Come here.”
I follow daddy’s order, walking forward timidly, forgetting to keep my posture straight because of my worry for Ryuuji.
“Back straight, chin up.” Mommy says harshly and I quickly comply, meeting my mother’s yellow, stern gaze. She nods in approval and her eyes grow softer when she sees how good I am. I smile when I realise that I have made her happy, my eyes trailing towards her soft, black curls.
When I grow up, I’ll have the same beautiful hair as mommy. Daddy says short hair is better for training but I will grow my hair out tomorrow when I become four! I will be strong like daddy and beautiful like mommy!
I meet daddy’s gaze again when I have stopped two feet away from them, bowing slightly to him. His eyes also shine with approval and he holds out his hand, as if I am supposed to give him something. I stare at him for a few seconds before I look down at Ryuuji and look up at him again. Daddy nods; he wants Ryuuji.
I hesitantly lay Ryuuji in daddy’s open palm and daddy easily envelops my stuffed animal with his fist, squeezing it tightly. I flinch slightly when he glares at my blue dragon with disgust as he looks into Ryuuji’s black button eyes.
“Where did you get this?”
“I received it from nanny on my last birthday, father. Ryuuji has been with me for almost a year now.”
Daddy glares down at me harshly when I finish and I can feel mommy’s hand on my shoulder.
“Ryuuji?”
“Yes, she came up with the name all by herself.” Mommy says, trying to calm daddy down. Instead, daddy glares at mommy too, gripping Ryuuji tighter as he brings my dragon down to his side.
“So you knew about this nonsense, Xiao li.”
Daddy is really angry now… But why is he angry? Is that why nanny and mommy told me to not show daddy Ryuuji when daddy was finally home? But Ryuuji hasn’t done anything wrong. He has just stayed in my room under my pillow on the day.
Mommy flinches when daddy looks at her and she grips my shoulder a little tighter. I continue to stare at daddy.
“Y-yes, but it is just a stuffed animal; I do not see any harm in her keeping it.”
“This.” Daddy says, bringing up Ryuuji in front of his face to glare at my animal again. “Is just a waste of her time.”
My eyes widen at what happens next, Ryuuji starts burning in daddy’s hand. I can feel my eyes tear up again as I watch how Ryuuji slowly burns up in daddy’s hand. That heat comes back and I start to cry as I watch my dragon burn up.
No… Ryuuji… He-he is my friend! Why would daddy hurt my friend? He hasn’t done anything wrong! Or maybe Ryuuji has stolen a cookie without asking… But Ryuuji didn’t steal a cookie! I didn’t steal a cookie either! Why would daddy burn up my friend?
Daddy let Ryuuji drop to the ground and when he hits the floor, he breaks apart into ash. I stare at Ryuuji as the fire slowly burns away the last of him until it is just a pile of ashes with two button eyes. I crouch down and carefully take out the two button eyes and clutch them in my hand as I silently cry for my lost friend. Mommy does not have her hand on my shoulder anymore…
“Pathetic; crying over a stuffed animal. I will not tolerate you creating any unnecessary attachments like this. You are turning four tomorrow; make sure to get rid of that habit when I get back.”
I hear the door close behind daddy when he leaves and I can soon feel mommy’s arms wrap around me to comfort me. No, comfort both of us. I keep the button eyes, but like I promised daddy, I did not grow attached to any stuffed animal after that. I got a present from mommy on my birthday, a small fire emblem necklace, but she would not eat cake with me and nanny.
I hope… I hope we can celebrate my birthday next year, everyone together. I don’t like mommy being sad. And I don’t like seeing daddy angry either… I hope daddy comes back soon, I don’t like that mommy don’t look at me in my eyes...