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[An image of Ilya Rozanov in his full Centaurs hockey gear sitting on the team bench. He's leaning forward on the boards, his arms creating a pillow for his head, as he smiles so widely, all of his teeth are shown and his eyes are closed.]
@centaurshockey Don't forget, our Captain is taking over our socials this week! We have no idea what he's going to do, but we have our lawyers on standby ❤️
[Zane Boodram is seen as he pulls a practice jersey over his head. He looks amused as he watches Ilya approach him, and as Ilya comes to stand beside him, he flips the camera around to show them both. On the screen in white bold letters are the words, 'Asking my team if they would fight someone for me, but it's our sweetest coworker.']
Ilya: Zane Boodram.
Zane: Ilya Rozanov.
Ilya: This is a very important question that could affect your future here at this organization.
Zane: Okay, I'm ready.
Ilya: Would you fight someone for me?
Zane: [nodding] In a heartbeat.
Ilya: And what if that someone was Harris?
[Zane's face changes, and he moves slightly away from Ilya.]
Zane: Harris? Fuck no. Absolutely not. You're on your own, kid.
[Zane claps him on the back and walks off. Ilya looks momentarily stunned before he recovers and begins talking to the camera, shaking his head in disbelief.]
Ilya: You think you know your alternate captain, and it turns out he won't even fight the director of communications for you for a social media bit.
[Wyatt Hayes walks into the locker room with a duffle bag on his shoulder. Ilya once again flips the camera around when he reaches the goalie, showing them both in the frame.]
Ilya: Hazy, would you fight someone for me?
Wyatt: Depends. What did you do?
Ilya: I have done nothing wrong in my entire life, you know this.
Wyatt: [Chuckling] Of course. You're so right. Obviously, I would fight someone for you, Roz.
Ilya: What if that someone was Harris?
[Wyatt's eyes widen, and his smiling face falls.]
Wyatt: Oh, no. I'm sorry, my friend. I can't. I mean, I could have a strongly worded discussion with him for you, but fighting him? Not going to happen.
[Luca Haas takes a water break on the ice during practice. He looks flustered, but happy, when Ilya approaches him, smiling at his captain when they both appear on the camera.]
Ilya: Luca, you are slightly obsessed with me, yes?
Luca: Uh, what? No! I mean, yeah, you were kinda my hero and everything, but I wouldn't say I'm obsessed. That feels a little crazy but I guess if that's what you want to call it, I—
Ilya: So you would fight someone for me?
Luca: Yes. Without a doubt.
Ilya: What if the person you had to fight was Harris?
[Luca's face drains of color, his mouth parting as his breathing quickens.]
Luca: Please don't do this to me, Roz. You know I would do anything for you, but Harris? Oh, god. Harris is the nicest person I've ever met. You can't make me choose. I-I can't, I—
[Ilya places a hand on Luca's shoulder and gives him a small shake, trying to bring him out of his panic.]
Ilya: Haas, it's fine. It's just a joke, you do not have to actually have to choose.
[Luca swallows, now looking slightly green, and Ilya grabs his arm, as they start to move towards the bench.]
Luca: Is Doctor Terry here? I think I need him.
[Evan Dykstra comes off the ice after practice, his hair and face sweaty, and he bends to place skate guards over the blades of his skates. He's breathing hard when Ilya appears with him, though his grin shows he's not annoyed about being stopped on his way to the showers.]
Ilya: D, would you fight someone for me?
Evan: I mean, I already have dropped my gloves for you and would again.
Ilya: What if the person you had to fight was Harris?
Evan: Harris Drover?
Ilya: Yes.
Evan: Sweet Harris with his apples, and dogs and the laugh that could probably cure cancer?
[Ilya's lips set in a straight line as Evan lists Harris' traits.]
Ilya: You don't have to keep talking about how wonderful he is, yes, that Harris. Would you fight him for me?
Evan: No, sorry, bro. You're on your own with that one.
[Ilya goes to several other members of the team after practice, all of whom shoot him down about fighting Harris, before he finds Troy Barrett sitting at his stall, shirtless. He's freshly showered with his hair slicked back, as he takes bites from a bubblegum pink cake pop. When Ilya approaches him, he begins to look worried.]
Ilya: Barrett, would you fight someone for me?
[Troy looks around as if searching for someone to rescue him from the situation.]
Troy: Um. Yeah? I think so. Sure.
Ilya: Why do you hesitate? You are supposedly my best friend. This is not hard.
Troy: I mean, yeah, but I know what comes next, and I know you, so there's no way I'm walking out of this unscathed. But yes. I would fight someone for you. Of course I would.
[Ilya flips the phone around, and gives a gleeful grin to the camera before he turns it back to Troy.]
Ilya: What if it was Harris?
[A second passes as Troy processes the question. Relief crosses his face, and his shoulder relax.]
Troy: Oh, thank god. I thought you were going to ask me to fight Shane for you or something.
Ilya: Why would that matter to you?
[Troy reaches out and slaps Ilya's leg, a look of admonishment on his face.]
Troy: And fuck no, I wouldn't fight my boyfriend for you! He's the best person I know.
Ilya: Yes, that's fine and lovely, but why would it matter to you if I asked you to fight Shane for me?
[Troy's eyes grow wide and the apples of his cheeks stain pink. He gets up quickly and grabs his stick and skates and begins to walk out of the room, still shirtless.]
Troy: Sorry, gotta go to practice. See you!
Ilya: Practice just ended, you coward! I will be bringing this up again!
[Troy goes through a door, pausing to wave before he disappears.]
[Shane Hollander emerges from the locker room, where he's promptly grabbed by Ilya. They kiss briefly, and Shane's cheeks are slightly pink as he realizes he's being filmed.]
Ilya: Shane. My husband. Love and light of my life. Would you fight someone for me?
Shane: Is this like a hypothetical thing or a test or?
Ilya: Yes.
Shane: Great.
Ilya: Would you fight someone for me?
[Shane's brow furrows, as he clearly begins to think.]
Shane: I have a lot of questions.
Ilya: [Rolling his eyes.] Don't overthink it, just answer.
Shane: Okay, yes. I would fight someone for you.
Ilya: Wonderful. Now, what if that person happened to be Harris.
Shane: Harris? Oh. No. Definitely not.
[Ilya's mouth falls open in shock, while Shane stares at him somewhat blankly.]
Ilya: Okay, you're allowed to think about that a little bit!
Shane: I don't need to. Harris is like the nicest person I've ever met, and he's in charge of how we look on the teams social media. I'm not fighting him for you. And besides, I don't think there's a world where you aren't on the wrong side of that fight.
Ilya: So, what are you saying? That I am the asshole in every version of Harris needing to be fought?
Shane: That's exactly what I'm saying. Hey, are you about done with whatever this is? I want to go home and watch that movie we um [his eyes flash to the camera and he swallows] didn't finish last night.
[He begins to walk off and Ilya's pouting face fills the screen briefly. His bottom lip sticking out fully before the footage changes again.]
[Ilya props his phone against the boards, and carefully walks back to kneel next to Chiron on the ice. His arm goes around the large dog, and Chiron sits happily, his tail wagging as tries to lick at Ilya's face.]
Ilya: Chiron. You are literally my last hope. Would you fight someone for me?
[Ilya gives Chiron a signal and he barks loudly. Ilya grins, patting him on the head and giving him a treat.]
Ilya: Perfect, you wonderful boy. But if that person was your dad, Harris? Would you still fight him?
[Before Ilya can give Chiron another signal, Harris walks into the bench area behind them, looking around.]
Harris: Hey, Ilya, are you almost done with him? He's got an appearance at an elementary school.
[Upon hearing Harris' voice, Chiron breaks away from Ilya, running at full speed towards his owner, leaving Ilya laid flat on the ice, splayed out like he'd been struck. Chiron whole body wiggles as he waits for Harris to open the small gate for him to enter into the player's bench. Once he's let in, he jumps up and begins to lick Harris' face, all while Ilya remains motionless.]
Harris: Oh, hey, big guy. Looks like you've had a good time, huh? Are you good over there, Ilya?
Ilya: Never better.
Harris: Okay, well, remember to send me the video you're working on by tomorrow if you can. I really appreciate you! Love you, buddy! See you!
[He waves as he walks off with Chiron continuing to jump on him in excitement as Ilya manages to raise one hand and wave back.]
Ilya: Love you, too.
[Ilya is still flat on the ice in an empty Canadian Tire Centre. He stares up to the ceiling, looking dejected and sad, as the camera circles slowly around him, and the song Possibility by Lykke Li plays dramatically over the footage. On each circle pass, more and more lights turn off until Ilya is alone in the near dark.]
[Ilya Rozanov stands at a kitchen island, a heaping bowl of ice cream in front of him.]
Ilya: Today was a very tough day finding out that not a single person on my team would fight this man for me.
[He holds out his hands like he's presenting, and a photo of Harris flashes on the screen that has clearly been edited by a face-warping technology.]
Ilya: So, I am participating in some self-care.
[He takes a large bite of ice cream, as Shane comes to stand next to him with an amused and fond expression on his face.]
Shane: Were the first two bowls self-care, too?
Ilya: No, the first bowl was dessert. The second was second dessert. And the third is self-care. I have told you this many times.
Shane: Right. How could I forget?
[Ilya holds out a spoonful to Shane, who leans in and takes the bite, nodding appreciatively at the taste. Ilya watches him for a moment before he speaks.]
Ilya: You really would not fight Harris for me?
[A warm smile spreads across Shane's face, his eyes moving over Ilya's face with so much love, as he reaches up to wipe a small bit of ice cream from the corner of his mouth.]
Shane: I would fight the whole world for you.
[Ilya leans his forehead against Shane's. His eyes flutter closed and Shane's smile is echoed on his own face.]
Ilya: You already have.
[He kisses Shane's nose lightly, causing Shane to wrinkle it at the contact, before his face turns slightly more serious.]
Shane: Just obviously exclude Harris from that list. And probably my mom, too, because I'm pretty sure she could take me out.
Ilya: That is fair.
[Ilya's gaze falls down to Shane's lips. Shane bites his lip in clear anticipation, as Ilya moves the ice cream bowl out of the way. ]
Shane: We're going to kiss a bunch now, aren't we?
Ilya: Fuck yes we are.
[Their mouths meet, and Ilya's spoon is knocked and falls to the floor. Its pinging rattle doesn't phase the men as Shane is hoisted to sit on the island, and the frame is suddenly filled with his ass.]
[Ilya hands his phone to Shane, who looks at the screen, and upon seeing himself, makes a weirded-out face. He moves away from Ilya, and goes to sit on a Zamboni next to an elderly man named Ernest who is driving. Ilya's voice can still be heard out of the frame.]
Shane: So, what exactly are we doing, again?
Ilya: I sit here on the ice, and you make circles around me, and I will have Harris put in a song over it when he edits it.
Shane: But why are you laying on the ice like this?
Ilya: It is like in Twilight? When Bella is sad she's been dumped? You know because I am also sad because none of you losers would fight Harris for me? It will be funny.
[Shane's face looks skeptical, but he shrugs and scoots back on the seat.]
Shane: I don't know what you're talking about, but whatever you say.
Ilya: Don't act like you're too good to have seen Twilight. I know you've watched it. I've seen the plastic New Moon theater cup in the cabinet you pretend doesn't exist.
Shane: Well, yeah, I've seen it, but I wasn't really paying that much attention to the girls.
[He flips the camera around to show Ilya sitting alone on the ice, and Ilya looks at him incredulously.]
Ilya: Seriously, how did you not know you were gay?
Shane: I don't know. And what does that matter now? At least I figured it out soon enough to marry your ass.
Ilya: Yes, and my ass is freezing so can we move this along? Do you understand my vision?
Shane: Well, sorry I'm not going fast enough—
[Shane's voice is interrupted by Ernest next to him.]
Ernest: Boys, you know I'd do anything for you, but I'm off the clock in twenty, so can we get going? I want to make sure you get what you need.
Shane: Oh, right of course. Sorry, Ernest. Okay, Ilya. Lay down and look sad.
[Ilya gently lays himself down on the ice, instantly changing his facial expression into something that reads like complete dejection as the Zamboni begins to slowly circle around him.]
@ilyarozanov81 and @centaurshockey what's it like to be universally loved? i would not know. ask @harrisdrover1995 ☀️😉 (love you, Harris)
Posted November 23 at 8:19 PM
***
@ottawacensfan1 Ilya Rozanov. I love you and your dramatic ass SO much.
@dianacookes0941 @ottawacensfan1 Okay, but can we also talk about Shane Hollander's ass making a front row appearance? 👀
@theblknrd4ever not the twilight reference 😂
@ihearthollanov sometimes I forget they're MILLENNIALS
@centreice this team is like lightning in a bottle, and I love it. Seriously, name one other NHL team who loves their whole staff like these guys ❤️
@evandykstra Goddamit, now I'm going to have that song stuck in my head.
@ilyarozanov81 @evandykstra there was an easy way to prevent that 👊
@harrisdrover1995 Love you, too! Thanks for doing my job this week, even if that means trying to get everyone to beat me up for you 😉
@luverboy2481 'I would fight the whole world for you.' Oh, that's Shane Hollander's baby, right there.
@realshanehollander Not sure if I should apologize for the making out or for my ass this time, so this is just me saying, "I'm sorry," for whatever.
@4horseman Does Ernest have a fan club? I think he deserves a fanclub.
@b00dramzane So, did you ever circle back with @troybarretthockey @ilyarozanov81? Real curious to know the outcome of that conversation.
@ilyarozanov81 Not yet. He does not know the day or the hour. But he knows it's coming. And that is enough.
@troybarretthockey @ilyarozanov81 **gulp**