Chapter Text
Aidan just wanted to have a normal recording session in Raft. Load a session, mess around in-game for a while, get a good amount of footage to send to Otis, and call it a day.
Today, chaos ensued, naturally. It’s why a group channel was such an attractive idea— the five of them all had been gaming, recording and streaming together for a fair while, and through that discovered their compatible senses of humor and tangible platonic chemistry. Maybe Aidan toed that “platonic” line with Jay or Austen as a joke, but if the comments on their videos said anything, the fans also found it hilarious when they did. That, plus the channel was Fitz’s idea, and the rest of them were unwilling to let that man down.
In-game, Austen had built a ledge off the main raft and blocked it off with a door. Everyone complained at this, Jay especially loudly, and Aidan’s neurons were firing off ideas to get back at his friend. It would make great content, but also, it was Austen. Messing with him was fun.
Scrolling through the crafting menu, Aidan stopped on a sign. Oh yeah. This had potential.
“Fitz, move over,” he called to the man, who was currently at the door and pestering Austen to let him in. Aidan maneuvered his character onto the narrow path of the raft and over to Austen’s door, and placed the sign right on the center. Hovering over the keypad, he paused. What should he put up? Aidan held back a snicker when the perfect thought came to him.
“Guys, watch out,” Aidan called gleefully into his mic as he stepped back onto the main body of the raft, “there’s a gay behind.”
Immediately his words get a reaction. “There’s a what? A gay?” Fitz echoed.
“What?” Aidan could almost hear Tobi scrunch her nose in mock disgust. “Eugh, yuck.”
“There is, there is!” Jay roared. Aidan would wince at the volume if he weren’t so used to it from this troupe. “What?”
Aidan watched in anticipation as Austen’s avatar opened the door and closed it behind him to get a look and yeah, there we go: a sign that read Gay Behind. Aidan cackled and the rest were raucous around him on the raft. Austen’s sigh went unheard by all of them.
“Okay, who put the ‘Gay Behind’ sign— sign on my door,” Austen demanded, no surprise in his voice. “Who put that— who— who put that there—“
“It was me, I did it.” Aidan shifted in his seat excitedly, cause god, nothing fueled him quite like getting under Austen’s skin did.
“Okay, I’m gonna change that, cause I don’t like it,” Austen declared, and Aidan could peek around the game character and see his friend changing the sign to read Daukey Sucks.
Aidan grinned. He took the bait. “You saying there’s something wrong with being gay?”
Riled up, Austen retorted, "No, that's not what I'm saying, it's not— I love gay people, I love— I’m really in tune with the LGBTQ plus I community—“
“So you’re gay?” Aidan interrupted. He knew it sounded less of a question and more of a statement, but he also knew that would get on Austen’s nerves. Mostly because Aidan knew he was being a little shit.
Aidan spun around, looking for Austen’s character, and was so absorbed in trying to find his friend and pester him that he almost missed Austen mumbling:
“Maybe a little, I don’t know.”
It took a few seconds before Aidan processed it, and when he did, he froze. Both in-game and in real life. Cause man, Aidan’s heard his friend say gay shit before— hell, he’s said plenty of gay shit himself— but he couldn’t think of a single time it sounded like… that.
Maybe a little. For some reason, this time it lingered. Why didn’t Austen just say no like usual? Or the alternative: claim to be so extremely gay for the jokes? Aidan was so stupefied that he missed Austen’s character resurfacing from the water, and ah, that explained how Aidan couldn’t find him earlier. That didn’t even matter though. What did Austen mean by maybe a little?
The rest had already moved on despite Aidan’s silence. “Sovi reveals his gay?” Tobi said with the gusto of a TV announcer, drawing laughs from the guys.
“This just in,” Austen mimicked the tone, and his voice was enough to reel Aidan back into the conversation.
“Guys, this is my gay,” Jay quipped, leaning into the grammar play Tobi had started, and the laughter continued uproariously.
“This is my gay, he’s very shy,” Fitz piped in. Aidan’s mind couldn’t help but loop back to Austen, Austen, who didn’t have a gay— because he wasn’t gay— because if he was, he surely would’ve told Aidan. They’ve been friends for how long? Aidan shook away the thoughts and joined the rest in yapping about a new island in the distance. It was just a joke, like it always was, even if it sounded different this time.
At least, that’s what Aidan was thinking around four hours ago. His brain, to his great frustration, would just not let it drop. Through wrapping up the recording session, saving and labeling all files, sharing and backing them up, a faint echo of that one line kept reverberating through his skull. Aidan scoffed as he fell backwards onto his bed.
“Maybe a little,” he echoed aloud. “Bro could’ve just said no.” Aidan lay there in silence for a few seconds before cringing with the regret of talking to himself. Insane behavior, that was. But man, he sure felt insane, still thinking about some throwaway line that would be in a YouTube video (well, he’s never one-hundred percent sure what makes the cut for Otis, but Austen’s reaction was admittedly quite funny, so it was likely).
Austen wasn’t gay, and even if he was… Well, it didn’t matter because he wasn’t. But it wouldn’t affect their friendship at all. Aidan had friends in the LGBTQ community. Like Tobi. Actually, there were quite a few people in his circle that were some kind of LGBTQ, it wouldn’t be crazy for there to be one more. But no, it wasn’t the case. Aidan had heard Austen thirst over real and fictional women, even if those were half-jokes as well.
Aidan rolled onto his side, pulling a pillow to his chest. He felt like he could run around his room a couple of times. Aidan couldn’t quite remember the last time he’d been so antsy just trying to fall asleep, but his skin was thrumming with energy. Did he have anything with caffeine earlier? He had no recollection of any particular drink that would’ve done this, but there had to be some reason for sleep to be physically evading him.
Should he get up and do something to use up his energy? Or just lie in bed hoping he might sleep? Unfortunately for Aidan, the night was spent deliberating between the two. When he opened his eyes in the morning, hearing his alarm go off, it occurred to him that he hadn’t slept a wink.
The dream was a blur; midnight blues and soft glowing lights floating through space. Space was a lonely thing, a lonely place, and Aidan was within it.
But he wasn’t alone, though, and he could sense the other presence rather immediately. It was comforting and quiet, solitude abound save for the two souls drifting through it. Aidan hadn’t ever imagined this sensation of familiarity and safety and freeing nothingness that was clutched close and clasped within his arms, but his dream-self apparently had. The souls didn’t necessarily have bodies, but Aidan could sense he was one of them, and they were hugging as well and as tight as they possibly could.
If he were any bit aware, Aidan might find it within himself to laugh at the sheer ridiculousness— there’s no way he could describe what the dream was even about— but there was something that just felt so right, so fulfilled and complete. There was no want, no need, just a deep-seated feeling of togetherness.
Aidan woke up slowly, his consciousness fluttering above sleep. His brain caught up to his body, however, and the tinny melody of his alarm processed properly, alerting him that he should awaken. Aidan raised a hand to brush his hair back from his eyes, squinting. Already he could feel the replete comfort of the dream fading away, reality rushing in. Whatever he dreamed about, Aidan could feel its absence; his heart was wrung and yearned for the sensation again.
It must’ve been a week or so of bad sleep like that. Aidan’s nights were spent waking up, feeling something soul-clenchingly missing. Aidan would wake up and every time he knew, somehow, he didn’t have whatever was missing. It was a sinking feeling, like he would never know it again— whatever it was. Aidan couldn’t really recall the dreams, but he was always left with the wistfulness they left behind in the morning.
“Do you guys remember your dreams?” Aidan asked the guys in the call. He wasn’t really sure why he was asking. Aidan posed it lightheartedly, but he sat like he was poised to jump out of his chair and into the monitor to drag out their responses.
“I have a dream-“ Yumi began, before Austen, Blarg and Smitty erupted with Whoa whoa whoas in mock-alarm.
The four were bickering until Aidan raised his voice to get them back together: “Guys guys GUYS! You didn’t answer the QUESTION!”
“What was it again?” Smitty asked, voice weak from laughing.
“Do we have dreams and shit,” Yumi supplied. “Yeah, I do have dreams. Never remember a thing.” (“Oh shit, my mic is not- it’s not-“ Austen said, to no replies.)
Aidan sighed. “I thought you were about to pull the ‘I have a dream’ again.”
“You want me to? I still can.” (“How did this screw get so loose, bruh,” Austen complained. “I just set up my mic before this.” This time, Aidan noticed, and couldn’t help but snicker quietly.)
“Tread carefully, brother,” Smitty warned, chuckling.
“I used to remember all of my dreams growing up,” Blarg answered thoughtfully. “I can’t think of one I remember recently though.”
“I remember some dreams but it’s all wacky ahh,” Austen said, before a loud thud and clattering boom came through his microphone.
Aidan lifted his headphones slightly off his ears, wincing. “Gah-lee, you alright man?”
Some more scrambling, before Austen’s voice blared loud and close in the mic. “All good, boys, I have fixed my mic, over.”
“That was you fixing it?” Smitty burst into a louder laughing fit. “That sounded like your house fucking exploded!”
“It exploded my ears for sure,” Yumi supported, sending Blarg and Smitty cackling again. Aidan couldn’t help but snicker with them. The urge to understand what was wrong with his sleep still thrummed under his skin, like an itch that he couldn’t quite find, but he resolved to put it aside for now and focus on the recording session (Well, everyone was streaming except for Aidan and Blarg, but it would still be cut up for videos later).
That was what that the guys had moved onto, actually. “What’s stopping chat from just telling me where y’all are, actually,” Austen pressed as they’d started the round.
“Ethics and morals and honor,” Smitty shot back quickly. “Are you saying your viewers have no honor?”
“Now hold on a second, hold on a second. You, Smitty, are not talking smack about my viewers. You right, but you better not be talking shit.”
Aidan cackled. “You right, but you better not talk shit,” he echoed in between his laughs. “Bro didn’t even deny it.” He laughed even harder hearing Austen join in, face now hurting from how wide his grin was.
“Yo Sovi!” Yumi’s voice came barreling through their laughter as the round started. “It’s you and me dawg! Let’s beat up these losers.”
Austen’s voice deepened and Aidan’s smile dropped with, “Come over here, Yumi, give me a kiss.” Whoa. Aidan frowned then, unable to shake the sudden unease. He drank from his water bottle on the side of his desk, zoning out from the conversation and hoping to remedy the strangeness. The water was cool and all, but damn did it do absolutely nothing to soothe his pulse.
“Mom, come pick me up,” Smitty deadpanned as Aidan finally tuned back in, “Sovi and Yumi are being freaky again.” Aw, fuck. Now Aidan felt even weirder. Kinda jittery. Like, he-had-a-couple-energy-drinks jittery.
“That’s all Sovi, dude, don’t be blaming me.”
“It is me. And all of you are to blame. That’s not mutually exclusive.”
“Usually Daukey is his target though,” Blarg added. “Or partner-in-crime. You guys say some of the gayest shit.”
“Nah, shut up, Matt, this is literally the pot calling the kettle black,” Smitty snorted. “I don’t know anyone in this call who hasn’t said something a little gay, myself included. But bonus points to Sovi for sure.”
“What can I say, Daukster brings out the freak in me.”
“We’re never beating the gay allegations,” Aidan joked, but his heart flip-flopped in an odd way. He swallowed, spamming the jump key to pull his mind back from whatever train of thought it was about to take.
It worked somewhat. Aidan distracted himself with the recording, the game, the yells and shrieks of competition and betrayals. It was easy enough to sort of don a mask; Aidan was familiar with loudly cracking jokes, or playing up his cluelessness to piss off Smitty, or sabotaging Austen’s play. But as soon as the games ended, farewells and final insults commenced, Aidan was left alone in his comfortable chair. Alone, staring at the bright screen that was probably not good for his eyes in the dim-lit room.
The adrenaline from competition dimmed away, leaving behind memories of loudness and laughter. One part in particular was too insistent to forget. Aidan meant it in humor, but the ‘gay allegations’ felt a little too on-the-nose given his current holdups. Did all of them really say gay jokes that much? Did Austen? Well… no, yeah. Aidan supposed it was true enough, but it startled him how anxious he suddenly felt about noticing it.
Austen’s maybe a little flickered back to the forefront of his mind, and his heart sank. Shit. Aidan had brushed it off as a sleep-deprived thought after recording that one time, but all his questioning returned full force as he remembered.
Even if Aidan was pretty sure Austen wasn’t gay, it kind of hurt to think about a scenario where Austen, his friend of over ten years, was gay and Aidan didn’t know. The hurt was then accompanied by a little guilt. If Austen was actually gay, it’s not like he’d be obligated to tell Aidan, but it would just make sense. You know someone for that long, bond over countless shared interests, build your YouTube career with them— it would make sense that someone so close could be trusted with that kind of secret. Right?
Aidan sat in the game lobby, waiting for Austen to notice that he had the game open. He saw that Austen’s profile was online, and Aidan knew if he gave him a minute, it wouldn’t be long until the other noticed and sent a DM.
Aidan’s throat tingled with a cough, and as he drank water the Discord notification went through his headphones. “Join my lobby,” Aidan demanded as soon as he saw the other join the call.
“Yessir—“ Aidan interrupted Austen with a loud, hacking cough. “Nevermind, you sound contagious as fuck, my man.”
“Yeah, I’ve—” Aidan interrupted himself with coughs, “been kinda sick recently. I think it’s just a cold though, cause I’ve only been coughing. It’s more annoying than anything else.”
“Imagine getting sick,” Austen taunted. “Could NOT be me. I am on that YouTuber grindset.”
“Glad to hear it,” Aidan said, voice stuffy. “Thanks a lot for your sympathy. Much appreciated.”
Austen’s cackle made Aidan giggle, or as much as he could giggle with his fucked-up nasal cavity.
“That’s how I know you’re sick for real,” Austen snickered, taking his glasses off to wipe them with his shirt, “you can’t even come up with a good comeback.”
Aidan sighed in exaggeration. “Get off my back, bro. Just hurry up and join my lobby! Like oh my god, you’re being SLOW.”
“I just— I literally just joined the call, have you heard of a little thing called one thing at a damn time? Bitch.”
Aidan gasped in mock offence. “I’ma give you one chance to take that back, bro. Then I’ll beat your ass in-game if you’d just frickin’ join.”
“You’ll beat my ass?” Austen’s webcam turned on as he loaded into Aidan’s game, and the latter was greeted with a blue-lit mischievous smile. “You sure ‘bout that brother?”
Aidan turned on his camera too, raising both hands to flip off the other in-frame. Austen responded by standing up to do some fuckass dance, at which Aidan cackled loudly, hiding the sudden spike in his heart palpitating.
“Dude, you’re not even streaming! Put all that away,” Aidan protested, gasping for air. “The round’s starting, lock in.”
“You’re just jealous. It’s not a good look on you, Aidan.”
“Uh, jealous? Of literally what,” Aidan snipped back in his um-actually voice.
Austen gestured to himself, leaving himself AFK in-game. “Ignore the fit right now, it’s a bit chopped. But everything else.”
“Yeah, it’s chopped,” Aidan said automatically, tone flat to pull off the sarcasm. “Nah, you somehow always manage to look swag no matter what you wear, man. It pisses me off sometimes.”
“That somehow seems mildly racially motivated,” Austen snickered. “Think it’s high time we cancel you.”
“Do it, then,” Aidan shot back. “You look good,” he added, but it came out a little more serious than he intended. He immediately felt himself flush, cause damn, that surprised himself even. Like, even though it was objectively true, it was just a little awkward to actually say it.
“I could make a whole lot of fun of you right now, but I won’t since you’re sick and I should take pity on you,” Austen grinned wide as he sat back down. “I appreciate it, man. You’re not so shabby yourself.”
Aidan laughed, which turned into a cough, but even when forced to bury his face into the crook of his arm to block the cough, he wasn’t able to tear his gaze away from the call. In a daze, he maneuvered to his game window. And well— Aidan’s noticed it many times before, thought it many times before, but there was just something so pleasant about Austen’s smile, especially after laughing. It was like one of those oddly satisfying videos, something perfectly aligned or matching or timed, and it evoked the same compelling gratification from Aidan.
“— can't even give him a compliment,” Aidan heard Austen jokingly complain. “Aaaaand now we’re dead. Awesome.” And yeah, the black screen with “Dead” over it corroborated the man’s statement.
“I, uh, I was paying attention,” Aidan stammered. “Definitely. Just, uh, do you mind repeating what you said anyways?”
Austen rolled his eyes. “I see, I’m just that distracting.” Aidan began to weakly protest it, caught off guard by how blatant of a gay joke (flirt?) that was, when Austen yelled, ”OR MAYBE YOU’RE JUST ASS AT THE GAME!”
Pulse still rushing from the uncertainty of the legitimacy of the jokes, Aidan yelled back, “ME? I carried us literally EVERY OTHER TIME BEFORE THIS!”
The bickering lasted for a while, before they realized they were both still distracted and lost yet another round. After that, they agreed to work together without threatening murder.
It feels like it’s every other day now that Aidan hears Austen saying something questionably gay or outright suggestive. Honestly, it’s probably always been like this (it definitely has), but Aidan never paid as much notice as he was now. Now, every joking flirt and mock-gay threat Austen sent towards one of their friends was a red alarm, launching Aidan’s heart into the atmosphere.
One random stream: “I’m standing on top of Smitty. I’m topping Smitty.”
Trying a new game: “I’m kissing the guy up here. None of you betta come disturb my peace, now.”
And even directed at Aidan himself in-game: “Look at that little fella down there, sitting all cute and shit.”
Well, Aidan wasn’t sure why he even remembered that last one. That one was pretty tame compared to the usual banter, but it had the same reaction out of him as the others did. It didn’t help with Aidan’s growing suspicion that Austen was actually a little bit gay. But it was so hard to tell. Austen did this all the time, with quite literally everyone. The dude had a tendency to commit a little too hard to the bit, which was always funny, but now it was throwing Aidan for a loop.
Scratch that— like a thousand loops, or something. It felt like his pulse was racing every day. But, well, that was probably unrelated. Yeah. Aidan knew it was likely just his body fighting off the cold from last week.
Aidan did think he was hiding his suspicion pretty well, though. At least until the day he was making his game avatar move close to Austen’s, the other following suit so it looked like their characters were kissing. Both of them were obviously ignoring the rest of the guys with their obnoxious kissing noises— during which Aidan was still ignoring the pitter-patter in his chest— and it predictably got on someone’s nerves.
“Get a ROOM!” Jay yelled at them, making Aidan sit straight up in his chair, startled, before laughing loudly.
“Gross, they’re kissing,” Tobi said, making a gag noise.
“Stop giggling like that, Daukey, or else I’m gonna have to kill you both,” Fitz said in a cheerful tone, his sarcasm revealing the promise of punishment.
“I’ll protect you dude, don’t even worry about them,” Austen said, using a false bravado voice. “We can finish what we started.”
“Whoa, whoa, whoa,” Aidan gasped, unable to say anything else due to the laughter wracking his body. “Finish what we started?!” He tried breathing, finding he could only keep laughing until his abdomen hurt, and— huh— his face burned. Aidan raised the back of his hand to his cheek, feeling the flushed skin clearly. Frustration surged within him briefly. He can’t go one week without getting sick? Really? Just his sort of luck, really.
“—think you already killed him for me,” Fitz mused. Embarrassment seeped in as Aidan realized he hadn’t responded in his moment of surprise.
“What?” Aidan coughed, quite nonchalant. Definitely.
“Oh, he’s alive again,” Fitz said pleasantly. “Welcome back Daukey. We thought Sovi finished you in the murder kind of way.”
“Now that you’re alive, we will have to kill you both. The rules, you know,” Tobi added, aiming at both their avatars in-game.
“Ain’t nobody said any rules about romancing in this game.” Austen grumbled, making his character jump in front of Tobi’s in defiance.
“Yeah bruh,” Aidan pressed, a bit out of it. That was gay, wasn’t it? Everything that Austen did right there. Was it Aidan’s fault for inciting him with the kissing bit? Fuck. He was so overthinking this. This was stupid. It wasn’t objectively gay.
Fitz snorted. “Hmm, yup. Special rules for the two of you though!” And with that he blasted both of them, Aidan’s screen going black.
Aidan managed to stay sane throughout the rest of the recording session, only feeling another twinge when Austen pulled the same bit with Jay. Aidan absentmindedly remembered Fitz suggesting they play another game, just for fun, but when he refocused he was just sitting in discord with the older, whose webcam was on.
“Sorry, what are we playing?”
“Nothing yet,” Fitz answered. “Just wanted to check in with you, man. You’ve seemed a bit out of it lately.”
“I think it’s my cold,” Aidan groaned, rubbing his eyes. “It’s so annoying, bruh, I think it came back.”
“Is that all that’s been bothering you?” Something in Fitz’s tone made Aidan squint.
“I guess so,” Aidan replied warily. “I mean my sleep has been kind of bad the last few weeks too.”
“That sucks, man,” Fitz followed, some genuine sympathy.
Aidan shifted in his seat. It wasn’t just that, he knew, it was not knowing what the fuck was going on. It was the fact that Aidan couldn’t tell if Austen’s jokes were actually gay, and if he was, why he would keep such a big secret like that from Aidan. Austen, who was his friend for practically half his life.
“I- do you think—“ Aidan cleared his throat. “Fuck. I mean, has Austen been acting different lately?”
Fitz frowned. “I didn’t think it was Austen acting different.”
“What’s that mean, huh?”
The older man chuckled in reflex at Aidan’s defensive tone. “Like I said, you’ve been a bit off lately. I could tell something was bugging you, dude.”
Aidan fidgeted with a pen he had on his desk. “I just… I don’t know what to do. Have you ever had a friend come out to you?”
“Did Austen come out to you?”
“No! No,” Aidan corrected quickly. “But I just think… I think Austen might not be straight, but he’s never talked about that with me before.” Aidan’s desire to assure the other overshot by quite a bit, and his nerves catapulted him all the way to overexplanation. “I don’t know. And a while back, he said something like ‘maybe a little’ when we were joking about him being gay. You were there! It was during Raft, remember? I dunno, it just got me thinking. It felt different, somehow.”
Fitz was quiet for a beat. “If he hasn’t said anything definitively, I wouldn’t worry about it. It’s his thing to figure out either way, just make sure to sometimes let him know you’ll always be there to support him.”
Aidan felt a spark of irritation at the simplicity of Fitz’s assurance, even if it was, by all accounts, sound advice. “But it’s like— if he is— well, I don’t know if he actually is. I’ve just been kinda confused about it lately. And I—”
“Aidan, I’m gonna ask you a question, and you have to actually take a second and think before you answer it.”
“Okay dude, what is it?”
“Why do you care so much about whether Austen is gay or not?”
Aidan gaped for a few moments, brain whirring in place. “I… don’t?” he answered, but it sounded uncertain even to himself. “I don’t care if Austen is gay or not. Do you think I’m like… homophobic or something? I’m really not trying to be.”
Fitz sighed. “What did I say about taking a second to think?”
“I did, bro, and I answered you, okay?” Aidan was getting tired of repeating himself. It’s like the older creator was refusing to listen to him. Austen being gay was not what Aidan was caught up on, at all.
“You answered after like five seconds. I was thinking there’d be a little more contemplation.”
“Five seconds is five seconds.”
“And you literally answered me with a question.”
“Cause your question didn’t make any sense! I have a feeling you think I’m being homophobic, and I’m really trying not to. I’ve never been scared of gay people.”
Fitz broke, chuckling at that, and Aidan followed suit, but it was short-lived and they both sobered up. “If you want my honest opinion,” Fitz spoke slowly, certainty worn all over his face, “I think it would help to reflect on why you feel so strongly about Austen’s sexuality. And,” the older pointedly spoke over Aidan starting to protest, “the ways in which you’ve been acting different too.”
Aidan only blinked at his webcam, brain whirring. There were several moments of awkward silence, Aidan sweating in his chair as he processed the last couple of minutes. Fitz, bless the man, seemed to realize how serious the call had become, and shook away the tension with a simple suggestion: “Do you still want to fuck around on CS?”
Aidan had never accepted an offer quicker. He excused himself before they started, however, for a water break.
Aidan had never downed a whole bottle of water quicker.