Archive of Our Own

to shinonome ena,

i’m sorry. im so sorry. i wasnt there for you when i should have been. i really should have stood up for you, fought back for you, said literally anything. and i didnt. and i fucked up there, pretty bad, and i wasnt ever able to admit it. im really sorry, ena. please forgive me.

i remember when i still called you ena-nee, nee-chan, all of that. i kinda miss it. so i’ll start writing like that. id be lying if i said i didnt miss it. but it didn’t feel right to keep calling you that, so i guess i never kept going. after seeing the hinomori and tenma siblings, though, i kinda get the appeal now. 

ena-nee, you were always my biggest supporter and friend. when we were kids, you would always protect me from the dogs and stuff. i was always the scaredy-cat, even though i pretended i wasn’t. and you let me act like that, knowing full well that i was scared. you never called me out, just took my hand and led me along. when you got older, you started making fun of me, but your grasp on my hand never faltered. you would laugh as you took it gently, leading me forward and into the next street. that dog was really scary, seriously. when you hit middle school, i had to start taking a new route home because your hand wasnt there anymore. i kinda missed it, every single day. thank you for always taking my hand when we were kids, nee-chan.

you also pushed me to do music. i know i acted all annoyed back then, mad at you for throwing a fit about your clothes. that was just because i was scared, honest. i didnt know what to do, because i wasnt any good at fashion back then. i just wanted you to be comfortable and i didnt know what would help you at the time. im sorry for getting annoyed back then. i didn’t mean to. when we watched that performance together, i never wouldve started music if it werent for you. i thought you always had to commit to everything you started. but when you said i could just try it, i really wanted to. and because of you, i was able to meet toya and everyone else in vbs. i was able to have the best years of my life singing alongside everyone on vivid street. so thank you for always pushing me to be my best and try stuff. 

ena-nee, i’m sorry for not standing up for you. dad was an asshole, really. i shouldve helped you out the way you did when we were kids. you always stood up for me, fighting against dad, telling me you supported me no matter what. i was such a coward. i never stood up for you the same way you did for me. and that caused you so much trouble. and ill always feel ashamed and guilty for it, because i was your brother, and i shouldve said something. im so so sorry. please forgive me, even if it takes your whole lifetime. im so sorry for never being able to find the courage to ever fight back against him for you back then. i didnt find that courage until it was too late. and because it was too late, it never fixed anything. im so sorry. im sorry for always acting out against you. i really do care about you, ena-nee, even if i don’t show it at all.

thank you for being the best sister i could ever ask for. you always stood up for me, supported me, encouraged me. i know i never repaid any of that. and i know i was a shitty brother. im so sorry, ena-nee. and i know im not really in a position to ask for stuff anymore, but i thought id at least try. i don’t know anyone else who would even hear me out on this shit. if you dont wanna do any of this stuff, its totally fine. i wont hold it against you. i never did anything for you while i was alive, anyway. if you do, thanks and i love you a lot.

please let toya in if he tries to come. i told him he could. if he never comes, thats fine. i just need someone to let him into the house for my room. he needs it. dont push him if he comes in upset, dont ask him questions. just leave him be unless he asks for you. you guys would be pretty good friends, you know? sorry, sorry, bad time. anyways yeah just let him in if he knocks. maybe also watch over him just a bit while hes here. 

never stop drawing, ena-nee. im serious. i know dad will always be shitty about this one. but i need you to never stop. you have some serious talent, and im always struck by how full of life and feeling your paintings are. don’t let him fuck with you like in middle school. keep fighting him on this one. i promise you, you will be able to get into whatever stupid school you want. you will be a successful artist one day, because youre my nee-chan, and my nee-chan can do anything. god that sounds so fucking stupid and sappy. but i mean it. 

ena-nee, your brother is just a coward. i know this is such a disappointment to you. i dont know what happened to my resolve either. please, forgive me for being like this. i really tried. nee-chan, i love you a lot. and im going to miss you. dont stop drawing, dont stop chasing your dreams, dont stop being you. im sorry and i love you. 

~ shinonome akito

dear aoyagi toya,

i know you probably won’t be reading this when it arrives. you’ll probably be asleep. which is pretty good, you know? getting a good night’s sleep is important. anyways i’ll get to the point.

i’ll be dead soon. but it’ll be okay. i just wanted to leave something behind for you. 

i remember hearing you sing for the first time. damn, i was seriously blown away. i didnt have another thought but “yeah this is the perfect guy for me”. i knew i wanted to partner up the first time i heard you sing. and i was so surprised when you agreed. toya, you dont have weak resolve. you are the strongest person i know. you fought against your dad, walked out that door, and never looked back. who cares about classical music? doesnt gotta be you, thats for sure. you managed that all on your own. you had that conversation all on your own, and you expressed your opinions. you kinda even got him around. so you did all that hard work, don’t throw it away. keep singing. im still gonna wanna hear you voice. come sing for me at my grave, yeah? 

i’m gonna start apologizing. you always hated these. i think i’ve got a lot to apologize for. i’m sorry for punching you that night. i know youve told me so many times, that i dont need to be sorry for it because you deserved it or some crap. it still haunts me, to see your face so hurt and afraid of me. that was a face i never wanted you to make. and i hated myself for it every day before you forgave me. i really am sorry and i regret it every day. im sorry for making you feel less than, for making you upset, for always putting so much pressure onto you. i know you were trying your best, i always knew. i just wanted to succeed. which is a shitty excuse, but i guess i just wanted to really bad. it was never more important than your well being, though. know that i wouldve dropped everything in a heartbeat if you werent feeling well. im sorry for always pushing you so hard like that. sorry for always being so short tempered and causing you trouble. i know you had to bait me out of a lot of fights. i put you through so much, huh? i really am sorry for all of it, toya. i forced you to take care of me and worry about me. i placed such a heavy burden on you, and i’m sorry. 

i also need to thank you. youve given me some of the best years of my life. you dragged me out of the shit i was stuck in and showed me a whole new world of music. i kinda owe the whole world to you, partner. please don’t ever give up music even when im gone. an and kohane are gonna keep singing, so you gotta surpass rad weekend for me. you cant let the vivids beat us, yeah? thanks for always working with me. for sticking around and taking care of me. i guess this is kinda selfish, but i really liked it. i liked spending time with you and relying on you. i liked it when you relied on me. thanks so much for helping me. you were always the driving force in my life. thank you for staying by my side, even when i did crappy shit. thanks for loving me so much. 

none of this is your fault. it just got to be too much. and you were what kept me going for so long. music kept me going for so long. and i owe it all to you, partner. so thanks for all of that. and never, ever blame yourself, got it? it could never be your fault. blame like, i dont know, my dad. haha, i guess thats a shitty excuse. im sorry. but you could blame anyone in the world except for yourself, got it? i wont let you. if you ever blame yourself, ill get really mad and come down to yell at you in your dreams. 

keep singing, partner. your voice is really good. its so pretty and it feels so nice to listen to. it kept me going for so long, and i know itll keep going for even longer if you let it. dont let your dad get to you too much, okay? you can always come to my house if you need to escape. ena will definitely let you in. you’re not intruding, i promise. shell be more than happy to see you. surpass rad weekend, define your own life, don’t let anyone choose that for you. i love you so much, partner. and i know youll tease me for my bad punctuation and writing, but who cares? 

~ shinonome akito

to shiraishi an,

im gonna miss you. tell ken-san that, too. you were always pushing me upwards and getting me to do better. battling against you, the vivids and the bad dogs? those were the best battles of my life, even though id never admit it to you. im gonna miss your challenges and your stupid voice. 

im sorry for always being so prickly. i kinda always fought with you. and that wasnt so good. huh, so articulate. you and i were always bad at this stuff anyway. im sorry for pulling that stunt and lying about it during that first event. i regret doing it every day and letting him think that. im sorry for always bullying you and mocking you. i promise you i didnt mean it like that, it came from a place of care. i truly do care about you an, even if i dont show it. im sorry for everything ive ever done thats bad to you. im sorry for never acting like i cared and acting so shitty to you all those times. i swear i care about you. 

thanks for always being there for me. it felt like you knew all that anyways. i guess thats how it is. you always stuck by me, singing against me, fighting with me, hanging out with me. everything i did back then was always with you. thanks for giving me the courage to keep going. thanks for giving me the drive to keep pushing forward.

never stop singing. your voice is so powerful and strong. it makes everyone on vivid street immediately stop. i promise you, you are so much more talented than you think you are. youre so skilled and you continue to push harder. itll pay off, i swear. you gotta surpass rad weekend for me and everything! so please keep going. you cant let kohane and toya quit, either. theyre gonna want to, i know. you might, too. but you need to keep going. the three of you are going to make it, and one day, ill be standing there on stage right with you. i promise ill watch over everything. 

im sorry i couldnt keep fighting against you, an. you were always the coolest opponent. im gonna miss you a ton. keep going. you got this.

~ shinonome akito

to azusawa kohane,

im sorry for being a horrible friend to you. i pulled that stunt, insulted you, and never said anything good to or about you at the start. i know you probably forgave me because youre so nice, but that shit haunts me every day. im really sorry.

youre not weak at all, kohane. youre talented. in the way that jaws drop when they realize you have no musical training. youre strong because you pushed through. doesnt matter what you dont have. dont focus on that. youre strong because you kept going even when everything was going downhill for you. you made it through that barrier all on your own. dont let anyone say otherwise about you. im sorry i said that to you. im sorry for everything. 

thanks for always forgiving me and staying so kind. dont give up singing at all. stay on vivid street. everyone here loves you, kohane, even if you dont think so at times. all your work pays off. surpass rad weekend, i believe in you. in all of you. dont let vbs fall apart, okay? im counting on you guys. keep fighting, kohane. ill miss you and your kindness. 

~ shinonome akito

to akiyama mizuki,

i guess this is it. i kinda always like hearing you call me otouto-kun, even though i said it annoyed me. time to admit that now, since im gonna be dead. i do care about you, a lot. ill really miss you.

sorry for acting weird all the time. im short tempered and i know that. i acted out and snapped. i got mad at you over stupid shit. dont hold it to heart, please. know that i really do care and i snapped because i was just stupid. if you dont wanna forgive me, thats fine. i just needed to apologize for all the crap i pulled.

please, take care of ena-nee for me. shell probably end up in a scary place of her life again. i dont know. maybe it wont affect her that much. but if it does, i need you to check up on her. talk to her. dont let her end up like middle school again. dont let my dad give her any crap. dont let anybody give her crap. if you bully her, ill drag you to an early grave myself. and she definitely likes you back too, so dont worry. ask her out. shell definitely say yes. doesnt have to be super soon, but if you wanted to confess you should totally. you have my blessing, because i know my dads gonna be a prick about it or something. take care of her please.

thanks for everything youve done for me. make sure to make chocolates with tsukasa-senpai again. that was kinda fun. 

~ shinonome akito

to tenma tsukasa,

im sorry for always acting stupid around you. i would get mad at you, annoyed at you, bite at you, insult you. stuff like that. im really sorry. i didnt mean any of it. well yeah, your voice is kindo f loud, but its not that bad. i think itd be worse if i never heard it again. sorry for making fun of you all those times.

take care of toya, please. he might get really sad. he might hate me. he might be mad. whatever it is, you gotta help him through it cause i wont be there anymore. dont let him quit singing. dont let him go back to classical and his shit dad. dont let him do any of that. hes been so happy singing recently, with vbs. dont ever let it break up, please. i know its so selfish of me to ask that of you, but if you could just help toya, thats all im asking. the vbs stuff is just a side bit. 

but maybe pass the message to kusanagi that she should ask him to play games occasionally at the arcade. get him out of the house. dont let him overwork himself. thank kusanagi for me if you manage to get that word in. 

good luck with kamishiro-senpai. im gonna miss you. youre a damn good actor, dont give that up ever. ill watch all your shows. the world future star, right? then ill come watch your shows.

~ shinonome akito

to kamishiro-senpai,

im sorry for making fun of you. you were weird, but that was fun, right? then keep doing it. if it makes you happy, then do it. stay weird. be you or whatever the fuck it was. its your life, kamishiro-senpai, so keep living it. dont let anyone tell you what you should or shouldnt do. if it means blowing up kamiyama, dont let them stop you.

unless toya’s still inside. let him out first then do it. 

anyways, what im trying to say is im sorry for how i treated you. i didnt mean it. stay weird and whatever. wont be the same otherwise. tsukasa-senpai totally likes you back by the way. if his stupid ass pining and loser puppy eyes is anything to go off of. good luck!

your directing is pretty cool. i thought it would be scarier, but it makes a really good show. you gotta direct cool films and shit one day. i promise ill watch. thanks for every bit of advice and always joking around with me. ill miss you.

~ shinonome akito

to miku, rin, len, luka, meiko, kaito,

i hope toya or one of the others brought this over. 

miku, stay funny. dont ever enter a kitchen, especially not toya’s. but keep singing. your voice is incredible and has this way of just making you feel better right away. i hope you remain happy all the time and stay the way you are. i hope my death doesnt affect sekai too much. im sorry if it does and if it causes you all trouble. 

rin, cheer up. im gonna miss you a lot. you were always so peppy and easy to tease. i figured youd spill all the secrets to me if i asked. and i was right! thanks for everything, rin. you were always the one to cheer us up whenever we felt down and put on an amazing performance. ask meiko for cool treats, dont just take them! and dont fight with len too much. 

len, youre really cool. you have an amazing stage presence and a powerful voice. you always keep rin in check whenever shes about to spill something. thanks for laughing at funny stuff with me and always being down to hang out. im gonna miss you a lot, you know. dont let kaito keep stealing your ice cream. youre gonna make a cool dj. dont fight with rin too much. 

luka, stay carefree and cool. im gonna miss how you always push us to succeed and give us advice in your own roundabout way. keep exploring sekai. if it changes after i die, that would probably give you new areas to look around. keep singing in that really cool and amazing way that makes my heart race. i wont ever forget what youve done for me. thank you so much. 

meiko, im gonna miss crase cafe. your cheesecakes really fucking good. sorry for swearing, i know you dont like it. rin and len look away. anyways keep making cool treats! and your cafe is not the only good thing about you. your singing is also so so cool and im gonna miss hearing you sing while you cook up new treats and snacks. thanks for always giving us snacks and drinks.

kaito, your jokes never land quite right. but theyre funny because theyre you. dont steal ice cream from the fridge haha. your dj skills are also lowkey cool. i wish i could learn how to sample more. teach someone from vbs how to do that, yeah? thanks. anyways thanks for all your advice in songwriting and stuff. im gonna really miss you and your funny attitude. 

everyone, im sorry if i cause you trouble. i hope you dont miss me too much. please dont let anyone from vbs quit singing. please keep watching over them once im gone. im going to miss you all so so much. 

~ shinonome akito

He’d lost count of the pages he’d used, but it didn’t really matter. His parents had gotten letters of their own, apologizing for the paper he’d wasted already. It was just a note at the end, though. He didn’t think the paper was what mattered in that moment anyways. All he cared about was apologizing to them, asking his dad to stop bullying Ena out of art, and asking his mom to take care of her like before. He’d sealed up each envelope so carefully, written each recipient’s name on it, before leaving them on his desk.

Of course, he had remembered to slip the letter to the singers into Toya’s envelope separately. He didn’t trust anybody else with that kind of personal stuff. An would definitely look into it and Kohane would be too busy crying to notice it. On second thought, An might just shred it out of pure anger and they’d never get it. 

He’d stalled long enough just writing this, anyways. It didn’t matter. Letters were neatly arranged on his clean, tidy desk. He’d cleaned it just for this purpose. He could barely see his desk before, and he figured he needed somewhere to write all those letters. His homework was left in a pile on the floor. That part would never change, no matter how much Toya wanted him to write it. Oh well, no point in doing that now. 

The bed was made. The bedsheets were neatly tucked in, the pillows leaned against the bedframe, the blanked pulled over and folded back. It didn’t seem like anyone had slept in it for a while. It would probably stay that way for a while. Until Toya came to visit. He’d arranged the few plushies he’d kept on top of the pillows, all sitting upright and smiling back at him. He’d kept them clean just because Toya won them. 

His walls still had the posters on them. He didn’t really want to see what the wall looked like once he peeled them off. That would just feel plain. It wouldn’t feel like his room anymore. Besides, if his parents wanted his posters gone, they could do it themselves. He could barely bring himself to clean the space. Forget taking down those posters. 

The photo frames still hung on the walls and remained propped up on the shelves. His eyes traced over them a last time. Him and his sister, him and Toya, him with VBS, him with everyone he ever valued. He’d never see them again, so he figured he should probably take a last good look at them. He didn’t really bother with a will or whatever. Was there a point in that? It didn’t matter to him where his stuff went. Once he was dead, everyone would come looking at it. The people would know what was meant for them. If they didn’t, Ena and Toya would know. He knew they would.

His house was very quiet. It was very late, which didn’t really bother him. But Ena was usually awake at this time. He’d fought with her recently. Which was good. He said some really dumb shit to her, knowing it would hurt her. He didn’t want her to care when he died. So he ruined that relationship on purpose. She would probably stay mad and not get hurt. Which was fine by him. Whatever left her happier and less affected. He really did care about her. 

He grabbed his phone, a water bottle, and the pills he’d gotten a few days ago. Did he really decide on this day? No, he didn’t. He just decided now was the time. He wasn’t sure why.

He tore open the first bottle. It was sealed properly. To keep it out of children’s reach, so they wouldn’t end up like him. He laughed to himself quietly. The pills, when he looked inside, were red. So red. It was funny. He wasn’t sure why. But he downed them all anyway. How many were there? He didn’t know. He wasn’t looking at the label when he swiped them off the shelf. Fuck, he didn’t even know what brand it was. What kind of medicine. He didn’t care. Taking a sharp sip of his water, he choked down the first bottle little by little.

It stung his throat. He swallowed and swallowed, like it had replaced the air he desperately needed to breathe to live. It was sweet. Waxy, plasticky, sweet. The taste burned his mouth, sticking to every corner where he bit down on another one. How many had he poured? He didn’t know. Handful by handful, he choked them down. 

The empty bottles surrounded him. The thin cardboard boxes remained littered. He threw them everywhere. He didn’t care where they ended up. It was the little pills that really mattered to him. Red, blue, red, blue. He didn’t recall getting so many colors. He didn’t even remember seeing them when he got them. Regardless of the color or shape, they left the same taste. Sweet. Bitter. Sweet. His eyes got hazy, drooping slowly. 

How many?

He didn’t know. 

He looked at his phone. The time was blurry, too blurry for him to make out. He supposed that was fine. Why was it blurry? Why was the glass reflecting back his own face? Why was it scrunching up, and why was it starting to rain?

He didn’t know. It was blurry in his mind too. He took the final sip of his water, waiting patiently for it to kick in. It did say it would take a while. Would it hurt? He deserved it. He hoped it hurt. He hoped it killed him slowly, because every ounce of pain he felt would barely scratch the meter for the suffering he caused.

The minutes slowly ticked by. He didn’t know how much time had passed. He could still feel the plastic, the waxy sugar coating his mouth in every turn. His limbs felt so heavy. He was so tired. He didn’t know why.

He lifted a heavy finger to type in his passcode. 050525. He knew who he wanted to talk to, even if it were just a last time. 

partner

toya

i love you

please dont forget that

(sent 2:04 AM)

Akito?

I love you too.

What’s wrong?

(sent 2:04 AM)

i just

fuck

im sorry partner

im sorry

(sent 2:04 AM)

Akito.

You’re scaring me.

Don’t be sorry, please.

Where are you?

(sent 2:05 AM)

dont worry

i just wanted to say im sorry

i love you

thank you so much partner

(sent 2:05 AM)

Please say you’ll see me tomorrow.
Akito?

Akito you can’t

(sent 2:05 AM)

sorry partner

thanks for everything

youre a really good friend

love you

(sent 2:06 AM)

Akito.

Don’t do this, please.

Akito, can you call me please?

(sent 2:06 AM)

Akito?

Akito don’t

Please

The arcade has something new this weekend

Could we go, please?

Akito?

(sent 2:08 AM)

sorry toya

i don’t think ill make it

(sent 2:09 AM)

Please don’t say that.

Akito, can you call me?

Call anyone?

Please don’t do this

Akito please

(sent 2:10 AM)

Akito I’m scared

Please

(sent 2:13 AM)

His phone was limp in his hand. His eyes blinked slowly, like they were slowly being pressed closed by gentle hands. He didn’t want to fight against them anymore. His phone was buzzing constantly, and he barely registered it anymore. He didn’t want to.

He was sorry, really. 

Akito.

I called Ena-san.

Please, let her in.
I’m calling you an ambulance.
Don’t do this.

(sent 2:15 AM)

“Akito!” 

A loud banging sounded. He barely heard it, really. He couldn’t bother to keep his eyes open anymore, letting them flutter closed. Did he lock the bathroom door? Did he lock his room door? Why was someone there? Was someone calling him? He didn’t know. He didn’t care. His phone fell to the cold, tiled floor below him, still buzzing. Who was it? He didn’t know. Who was still at the door? Who was hitting it? It shook the door and the floor. 

“Akito, please!”

Red and blue. 

“Akito! Open the door, now!” 

The door gave way. His eyes were glazed over, staring at who knows what. What was he looking at? He wasn’t so sure himself. A scream fell on deaf ears, a scream that woke up his parents, a scream he knew he recognized. From where? Did someone even scream?

Red and blue. Littered across his floor. The packaging, red and blue, blurring and pulsing under his eyelids. The shiny plastic bottles that rolled around, nobody stopping them. The foil that occasionally scraped against the tiles. The phone that buzzed on the ground.

Crying. Tears. It was wet. Hands grab his face. He didn’t register. His eyes felt heavy. It was getting colder, so much colder, too cold. 

“Akito? No, no, stay awake! They’re almost here! Please, Akito, please…”

The voice faded away. Did it fade? Or did he stop hearing it? He didn’t know. 

Red and blue flashed outside the door. Red and blue littered the tiles. Red and blue etched into his eyelids as he closed them.

• – • – • 

He opened them to the jarring white. The tiles were above his eyes. The lights beat down on him. He tried to sit up, but it hurt. He settled for closing his eyes again. Was he looking at the tiles? There wasn’t red or blue. Or plastic. Or foil. Or the phone. Or the hands. Or the tears.

He didn’t know. He was tired. 

“Shinonome?” 

Oh. He heard that. He was so confused.

“Are you awake?”

Yes, he was. He nodded quietly, his head spinning with every move.

“Try not to move so much, please. I’ll sit you up now. I’ll also dim the lights a little. It must be hard to look at that right now. You don’t need to talk.”

He was grateful for that. 

“Do you know why you are here, Shinonome?”

No. Wasn’t this just his bathroom? His eyes were still closed. He shook his head.

“I see. You tried to kill yourself by overdosing. Your sister found you and you were rushed to the hospital last night.”

Oh. He failed?

“Would you like to open your eyes, Shinonome? I dimmed the lights. Please let me know if it gets to be too much.”

He blinked open his eyes. They weren’t so heavy. But he was still tired. It was easier to look around now. He turned slowly, taking in his room. 

It wasn’t his bathroom. He was covered by a blanket. A bag connected to his arm. He felt sick. 

“Are you feeling alright, Shinonome? Any discomfort? Anything I can bring?”

“How…”

He coughed. She immediately brought him a cup, which he gulped down.

No sweet aftertaste. Not bitter or waxy. What was stuck in his throat as he swallowed?

“How am I alive?”

She smiled at him. Sadly. “You are very lucky. Your sister found you. She brought you here. She’s currently in the waiting room right now.”

“Lucky?”

“I’m sorry, Shinonome. Would you like me to let your sister in?”

He stared hard at the cup. Paper. The ripples from when he drank still shook a little. He saw himself, his failure, staring at him. He nodded anyway. 

“Alright. I’ll send her in.”

He sat with himself for a little. He failed. Ena found him. He didn’t make it. Did she read the letter as well? Did she check his desk? Did his parents? Did anyone? He hoped not. 

“Akito!” 

He raised his eyes, looking directly at the voice. She had pulled open the door, eyes wide and alarmed. She had terrible eyebags. She clearly hadn’t been sleeping well. He felt something jab at his chest, knowing he had been the cause of that. Her clothes and hair were dishevelled. But she didn’t seem to care, immediately rushing over to his side.

“Does it hurt anywhere? Are you feeling better? Are you feeling ill?” she fretted. “What can I do to help? Please, Akito…”

He shook his head quietly, hoping she understood. Tears immediately filled into her eyes, locking onto his. He closed his eyes, waiting for the anger. The explosive hatred. Instead, he heard a thud. His eyes flew open in shock. She dropped to her knees next to him.

“Akito, don’t do this. Please, please, please. I’m sorry, I’ve failed you as a sister. I’m sorry it got this bad and I didn’t notice. I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry,” she wailed. “I’m sorry you couldn’t rely on me. I’m sorry you felt the need to do this. I’m sorry I didn’t protect you. Do you hear me, Akito? I’m sorry, I’m sorry. I’m not mad. I’ll never be mad at you. I’m not angry. Ena-nee’s not angry, do you hear? I’m sorry, I’m sorry. I’ll protect you from now on.”

He wanted to say something. Not your fault. Never blamed you. Please don’t apologize.

“Akito, don’t ever do this again! Please,” she begged. “I promise I’ll stand by you forever. Talk to me whenever. I can’t lose you. I can’t, I just can’t, please! I saw everything. Akito, talk to me. Please. Anything but this.”

He nodded. What else could he do? He took another big sip of water before he broke out coughing again. He didn’t want to worry her.

“Not your fault,” he rasped quietly. 

She stood up, crying harder as she wrapped him into a tight hug.

“Ena-nee’s sorry. I’ll always protect you, okay?” she whispered. “Please. I love you, Akito.”

“Love you too.”

“Don’t strain your voice. You’ll need it to keep singing.”

Singing. He hadn’t considered that. He didn’t think he’d make it out like that. He didn’t think he’d be able to keep doing that. 

“Excuse me, Shinonome-san, but I’ll need to run some tests on Shinonome very quickly,” the nurse from before quietly stepped into the room.

“Of course.” She drew away, but only to sit in the chair by the wall. “Could he have other visitors soon?”

“Once visiting hours open, in about ten minutes. As soon as I finish these tests, he should be okay to have them if he wishes.”

She nodded, sitting back quietly. The nurse quickly ran some tests. It was all a blur to him. He barely registered anything. There were instructions, but he followed them and they ran away as quickly as they had come. He didn’t care. Would he need to remember them?

“Shinonome, I’m all done. Are there any particular visitors you’d like?” the nurse asked.

He thought a little, looking at Ena. Who was even out there? Nobody would come for him. He wasn’t worth it.

“Toya-kun’s out there. Azusawa-san and Shiraishi-san were, but they had to attend class,” she quickly added. “Same thing with Mizuki, Kamishiro-san, and a blond guy, too.”

He nodded. Toya.

“Could you send Aoyagi Toya, please? I’ll go out with you to identify him,” she smiled and stood. 

“Of course, Shinonome-san. Please follow me.”

He stared bleakly at the door, closing his eyes again. He was so tired.

Toya. He needed to apologize.

“Akito?” a quiet voice.

He opened his eyes. Blue hair. He didn’t want to cry in front of Ena earlier. He doesn’t seem to have a say, tears filling up and spilling over.

“I’m sorry,” he whispered.

“Don’t be sorry,” Toya replied instantly. He dragged the chair over, taking his hand. “Please. You don’t need to be sorry for this.”

“I–”

“Shh, it’s okay, I promise. It’s okay. It’ll be okay, Akito.”

His hands were cold, Akito thought. His hands are always so cold. It always felt so nice to hold. 

“Akito, promise me you’ll stay forever. You said you wanted me right when you heard me sing, right? Well, I want you too. Forever. We’re going to surpass RAD Weekend together. I won’t do it alone,” Toya pleaded. “You’re my partner, Aki. Please?”

“Yeah,” he replied. “Forever…is a long time. I’ll–”

“A long time. But we can take it one step at a time, please, Aki.”

He nodded. Akito didn’t know what else to say. Toya was so scared. He scared him. He shouldn’t have done that to him. Toya was probably so disappointed. He was a coward. Akito just ran away from his problems. He never faced them head on. Maybe he had hated Kohane for having a weak resolve because he was afraid someone else would be like him, dragging down their partner. But the only weak one was Akito himself.

What a fucking hypocrite.

“Aki,” he said gently. “Promise me, when you get out, let’s take it slow together. I won’t ever leave you. You’re not weak.”

“Promise,” he whispered back, linking their pinkies. “Promise.”

Toya wiped away the tears trailing down his cheeks, reaching out to ruffle Akito’s hair. 

• – • – •

Once he got out of the hospital, Akito didn’t know what to do. 

He’d spent three days there. His parents had picked him up and visited. His mother was crying and his father wouldn’t look at him. Only Ena sat in the back with him. It was too quiet. Usually, there was chatter. Arguing. But the silence only made it more threatening.

He couldn’t apologize. 

Ena helped him get situated in his room again. It was just how he left it, minus the letters laid on his desk. It seemed like they managed to make it. Probably Ena’s doing. 

He was supposed to go back to school. Toya made sure to take care of him, a lot more than he usually does. Akito would care if he didn’t feel so small. That probably jarred Toya. Akito hated being taken care of. Being pitied.

But he felt so empty and null that it didn’t seem to matter anymore.

Toya would walk him back to home, handing him off to Ena. He was too quiet. VBS had cancelled their event. He felt sick about that one. Ken-san insisted on no practice. Everyone else had backed him up. Akito hadn’t even bothered to look at SEKAI yet. What would he even look at, anyway? Disappointment? Anger? Fear?

He didn’t want to find out. 

Eventually, the silence got too heavy and thick. He was picking at his dinner again when his father suddenly sighed.

“Don’t you think it’s about time you gave up on the act?” He stared at Akito. “Get up and keep going. You fell once. Don’t fall again.”

He stared at his plate. He didn’t like it. The steak his mother prepared was still pink. Why did it look like that? The edges were seared and brown, the inside red. Red and blue. Blue? Where? Why did it look like–

“Dad, stop.”

“I’m saying he needs to–”

“Shut up!” Ena suddenly shouted, standing up. 

Her chair screeched backwards. Akito jerked up. His mother flinched.

“You don’t know anything! Stop talking like that!”

“He needs to stop acting so pitiful? Who is he acting for? The cuts on his arm don’t fool anyone. He needs to stop. It’s honestly pathetic.”

“Say that again,” Ena’s fists clenched. “Don’t you dare talk about him like that! What do you know? He hates hearing stuff like that! Don’t bring it up! You have been nothing but horrible to him since he came home! I’m not letting you treat him like this. You can’t!”

“Ena. Sit down.”

“No! Leave him alone!” she shouted. “I’m not letting him anywhere near you until you can act decently. I failed once. I won’t fail him again.”

Akito sniffled. He didn’t like crying. He didn’t want to. Why was he crying?

He didn’t like his cuts. He didn’t like the feeling stuck permanently in his throat. He didn’t like swallowing anymore. He didn’t eat. 

“C’mon, Akito,” she held out her hand. He took it. “Let’s go.”

“Where are you taking him?”

“Anywhere but here. You’re going to treat him decently or he won’t come back. I won’t let him.”

He let Ena take him upstairs, to pack a small bag, and make a quick call. He sat on his bed and she knelt in front of him.

“Hey, Akito. You feeling okay? I’m sorry he said that.”

“It’s fine,” he bit back tears.

“It doesn’t have to be,” she said softly. “I’m really sorry, okay? Toya-kun will be here soon for you. Is that okay?”

He nodded, tears spilling down.

“I-it’s not for attention,” he sobbed. “I don’t want people to see. It hurts, I don’t like him talking about it. I don’t like the scars on my arm. I don’t like it. I don’t want it. My throat feels closed every time I swallow. I hate it, please believe me. It’s not true, Ena–”

“Hey, hey, calm down! I believe you, I promise. I know what he’s saying isn’t true. But he’s gonna keep saying that shit, alright?” she soothed. “That’s why Toya’s gonna come for you while I deal with him. That’s okay, right?”

“I’m sorry, I don’t–”

“It’s not burdening me,” she promised. “It’s okay.”

When Toya came, Akito was a crying mess. Ena apologized, Toya took a firm hold of his hand, and they left together. 

Toya was very good at taking care of Akito. Ena knew she trusted him. 

• – • – •

When Akito was returned, he was happier. Ena was happier for him. 

He also didn’t know what happened, but that was for Ena and Ena alone to know. 

All she cared about was that their dad had stopped yelling at him for his attempt. He’d stopped bringing it up. She was happy about that. Akito was also happy about that. He’d slip up sometimes and make off-handed comments, but Ena shut it down if she was there.

Akito just ignored him. It was easier that way.

He’d finally gotten around to visiting SEKAI. Nobody was angry. Or disappointed. They actually put on a performance for him, just to cheer him up. They promised to always be there for him. To always listen.

“You can always come by SEKAI,” Miku had said. “We’ll always be here. Promise. We’re not going anywhere, Akito. So don’t hesitate to ask us for help.”

The rest of VBS, when he finally recovered his voice, was more than happy to welcome him.

“Akito, you’re so stupid!” An had sobbed. “Seriously, what gives? I missed you so much. Don’t do that shit again! Of course I’ll always support you! Talk to me before you even think of pulling something like that again!”

“Shinonome-kun, we’ll always be here. Really,” Kohane had promised. “We’ll always listen to you. We’re teammates, right? Teammates should rely on each other.”

“Kid, Weekend Garage is always here for you. You’re not alone, alright?” Ken-san smiled. He was still cleaning his glasses before arranging them on the shelf. “Always.”

Toya had held Akito’s hand through it all.

His school wasn’t so kind. The rumors flew and spread like wildfire, each taking a more dangerous turn than the last. He hated hearing them at first. 

But eventually, it died down. Kamishiro-senpai and Tsukasa-senpai would jump to defend him in their classes, barely giving anyone a chance to even breathe about it. An worked her magic as a hall monitor. Akiyama actually started coming to school for a little bit, just to help curb the rumors a little. Even Kusanagi helped. 

Akito felt bad. But then his friends all reassured him that it was fine. So he accepted it, especially because nobody would let it go. He was pretty sure that even if he said no, they’d still end up doing it because they cared.

It was nice to be cared for. 

Ena still talked to him. She kept her promises, all of them. She left her door slightly ajar while she worked with her group at night and constantly told him she was there for him. So he bought her cheesecake and left it in the fridge when he went out during the day. 

It wasn’t perfect in Akito’s life. It would never be. 

But it was a start.