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Ilya couldn't sleep. His head was hurting so much it felt like it was going to explode any second now. With a deep sigh, he sat up on his bed and then groaned quietly, pressing his hand against his right temple. Fuck, that damn headache felt like it would split his head open. Ilya definitely needed some painkillers. He hadn't had a headache this bad for a long time.
Well, he hadn't cried that hard for a long time either, so…
His body felt like it weighed a ton when he got up from his bed. The room was dark and quiet. Ilya felt so incredibly lonely. Heartbroken. For the past hour, he had been replaying their fight in his mind over and over again. They often argued over trivial things, but this? No, this wasn't trivial. Not at all. This also definitely had been their worst fight yet. And maybe it also was their last.
Ilya had no idea. Had he destroyed their relationship by being too pushy? By being too much? Too emotional? He had tried so hard to be a good boyfriend. To make Shane happy. But that was so damn hard when some days, he was so incredibly sad that it was hard to get out of bed. Shane deserved so much better and Ilya had been so unfair to him.
Shane should pick hockey over him. That would be the better choice, hockey didn't start fights and didn't disappoint Shane after all, not like Ilya did. Another sigh slipped through his lips. There were no tears left in him, otherwise, he'd be crying again right now.
Ilya wanted to go and grab some painkillers when he walked past one of the windows of his bedroom. His gaze wandered outside for a second where he could see his front yard and the road that led up to his house and it took him a second to realize what he was seeing. Doing a double take, he froze on the spot and his heart seemed to stop beating for a second.
Shane's car was still in front of his house. The road was lit only dimly and Ilya couldn't see if Shane was inside of his car, but… that definitely was his boyfriend's vehicle. Had Shane been there the whole time? Or had he left and then came back? After their fight, Ilya had turned off his phone so he had no idea if Shane had sent him a text or maybe tried to call him - he had no idea if Shane had really actually left like Ilya had told him to.
Fuck.
Within seconds, Ilya was downstairs. He put on his black leather boots and grabbed his keys. Without even thinking about shrugging on his coat as well, he left the house. Ilya felt a huge lump in his throat when he walked down the little path that led from his front door to the road. Tiny snowflakes were falling from the dark sky, getting caught in Ilya's unruly hair and melting on his face and hands.
When he stepped closer to the car, he realized that Shane was, in fact, inside. Ilya's chest felt too tight again when he saw that his boyfriend was in the driver's seat, slumped over the steering wheel, his arms wrapped around it. Shane was trembling and Ilya was sure that wasn't just because of the cold weather.
With his chest so tight it felt hard to breathe, Ilya raised his right hand and gently rapped his knuckles against the glass in the driver seat's car door. Shane winced and raised his head, looking up at Ilya. His eyes were red-rimmed and puffy, his cheeks flushed and there were tears clinging to his long, dark lashes.
Ilya felt his stomach drop because that looked like Shane had just been here for the past hour, crying. Freezing.
With trembling hands, Ilya grabbed the door handle, took a step back and opened the car door. "Shane, I-" he started to say, but Shane interrupted him. "I didn't want to go. I wanted to give you some time and then come back inside the house so we could talk, but then I-" His voice broke and he looked at his phone that was lying in his lap. Ilya's eyes widened when he realized that Shane had looked at Ilya's instagram profile.
"I'm so sorry, Ilya," Shane said and fresh tears were shimmering in his eyes when he looked back up at Ilya who was still standing there, not moving a muscle. "I took you for granted. And what you did for us. How much you love me, I-" Ilya could see Shane swallow thickly. Shane almost aggressively wiped tears off his cheeks with the sleeve of his black wool coat. His gorgeous dark eyes were full of pain when Shane then asked
"Is it over now?"
For a few seconds, Ilya just stared at Shane. The fear in his boyfriend's eyes got more intense the longer he was silent, but before Shane could say anything else, Ilya finally moved. He grabbed Shane's hands that felt ice cold under his touch and crouched down next to his boyfriend who was still sitting in the car. Ilya placed their intertwined hands on Shane's thigh and then leaned his forehead against them. It was an awkard position, with him crouching outside of the car and his head basically in Shane's lap, but he didn't care.
"No," Ilya said, squeezing his eyes shut. He softly shook his head. "Never. I could never - I never want to live without you, Shane." His heart racing in his chest, Ilya pressed a soft kiss to the back Shane's hand. His skin felt so cold.
"I love you. So much, Ilya." Shane said and he sounded so, so sad. "And I'm sorry I wasn't able to show it properly. I never wanted to make you feel like I take you for granted." His voice broke with the last few words and Ilya, again, shook his head. "No. Your love is the best thing in my life. The best thing anyone has ever given me." He raised his head and looked at Shane, and his expression was earnest and honest. "Please never doubt yourself when it comes to loving me. Because you do love me so much and so perfectly and I can feel that every day. Okay?"
There was still doubt in Shane's eyes. "Really?" he asked and Ilya nodded. "Yes. I would give everything for you, Shane. I would die for you because nobody loves me as much as you do. Being loved by you for one single minute already feels like a lifetime of happiness." When Shane's eyes started to shimmer with tears again, Ilya lifted himself up a little so he could gently lean his forehead against his boyfriend's.
"But I don't want you to give up everything for me and I definitely don't want you to die for me! I want you to be happy and grow old with me!" Shane then said and he sounded so fierce it made Ilya smile. "I know. I'm sorry for what I said earlier. I was so unfair and I pushed too far." He kissed a tear off Shane's cheek. "Me too. We definitely need to work on our communication," Shane said quietly, softly. He sounded really tired. Ilya swallowed thickly because Shane was right. "I agree. Let's start right away with going back inside and talking some more, yes?"
Shane nodded and then stiffly climbed out of the car while still holding Ilya's hand. When he was standing in front of Ilya, he pulled him closer and pressed a really soft kiss to his lips, right then and there in public. Ilya's heart was fluttering in his chest when they went back inside his house a moment later, their fingers laced together.
Their situation wasn't easy. And maybe talking and being open about his feelings and fears would be hard and incredibly painful. It definitely was scary. But Ilya was willing to be brave. He'd choose Shane and loving Shane over and over again, every single day, for the rest of his life, and he would fight for them, no matter how hard it might get.