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Hitoshi can't stop thinking about his talk with Katsuki. For obvious reasons of course, because fucking hell, he has a boyfriend now and isn't that equal parts exciting and terrifying, but also because it dragged up all the ugly feelings he has regarding Eri and their living situation.
Which is good, don't get him wrong. Aizawa and Yamada are amazing guardians and the house is clean and warm and most importantly safe and Hitoshi never had to want for anything there.
And yet he still hates Eri for taking away Aizawa's and Yamada's attention from him.
Hitoshi is aware that it's stupid and unfair and not even true in the first place because they are just as attentive towards him as they were before; they ask him questions, they are involved in his life, they take note of what goes on with him and yet—
He can't help but to hate her anyway.
It's selfish and childish and horrible and probably tells a lot about him as a person but Hitoshi can't help it.
It feels as if he had a family for a grand total of thirty days and now he has to share that—again—like he so often had to share things before.
And his talk with Katsuki makes him think that maybe he just needs to say it, even just once. The talk with Katsuki didn't necessarily make him feel better because that fear still hangs over him but at least he knows where Katsuki stands now and that he wants this just as much as Hitoshi does.
Which is—if nothing else—at least reassuring.
And if Hitoshi is honest, there's this lingering, nagging thought that maybe Aizawa and Yamada took Eri in because they didn't want to care for him, for just him and it's eating him up.
Hearing that this fear is the truth might just break him but at least then he'll know and that simply has to be better than this stupid, useless hate inside of him.
If he hears he's right, then at least he'll have a reason to hate her.
So with his mind made up and with Katsuki's lingering warmth still clinging to his side, he enters the living-room, determined to get this talk over with.
Aizawa and Yamada are on the couch, the TV running in the background, though neither of them are really watching. Yamada is smiling at something on his phone and Aizawa has his eyes closed so clearly it's not as if Hitoshi is interrupting something important and so he simply plops himself down on the coffee table in front of the couch, instantly snatching their attention.
"What's going on, kiddo?" Yamada asks, immediately pocketing his phone and Aizawa blearily blinks his eyes open.
"I have to talk to you," Hitoshi says, suddenly shaky and afraid but he powers through because he needs this out there.
And should they give him away because of this then so be it, even though the thought makes him sick to his stomach.
"About what?" Aizawa wants to know and sits up, clearly already more awake than a few seconds ago.
"Eri."
"What about Eri?" Yamada frowns and Hitoshi would like to accuse him of being more alert now that it's about her but his face barely changed and he's just as concentrated on Hitoshi as he was before.
"I hate her," he says without preamble, because it's true and because it makes him feel like shit and it's more than apparent that he's nothing more than a bad person—a villain, really—and it's time Aizawa and Yamada know the truth, too.
There's a beat of silence before they nod as if that makes perfect sense and then Aizawa asks "Why do you hate her?"
Hitoshi stares incredulously at him before he scoffs.
"Can't I just hate her for no reason?"
"No, kiddo, you can't," Yamada gives back. "You can dislike someone for no reason, or even for petty reasons, but hating someone? That's personal and that's deep and it only happens for a reason. And we'd like to know."
"Why? It's not going to change anything," Hitoshi hisses out, wringing his hands in his lap and he wonders how they can still bear to look him in the eyes after he admitted to hating the sweetest child the world has ever seen.
"It's not," Aizawa agrees, "but we're not trying to change your mind. Right now, we're just trying to understand where your hate comes from."
"Does it matter?"
"Of course it matters! You matter to us and we want to understand you!" Yamada seems earnest in his wish to understand how Hitoshi became such a horrible, vile person and seeing how the admittance did nothing for him yet, maybe he does have to explain to make them see that he's nothing more than dirt.
"I got thirty days here before you brought her home," he says and while the confusion is very obvious on Yamada's face, Aizawa clicks his tongue in understanding.
"Before you had to share again," he infers and Hitoshi nods, because yeah.
Before he had to share again. Before he had to share something that was meant to be his alone and yet here they are.
"We asked you if you're alright with us taking her in," Yamada says, almost accusingly and Hitoshi scoffs.
"Yeah, right. And who ever cared about what I want? I could have said I don't want her here and then you would have kicked me out."
"We wouldn't have," Aizawa tells him, sure and steady and yeah, maybe Hitoshi knows that now, or at least hopes that he's telling the truth but back then?
No chance in hell.
"Did you take her in so you wouldn’t have to deal with me anymore? So you could divert your attention to someone else?" he bluntly asks, that thought eating away at his mind night after night and to their credit, their shock seems genuine.
"Of course not, kiddo, we never once thought that! Have we made you feel like that? As if we don't pay enough attention to you?"
And that's the loaded question, isn't it? Because the truthful answer is no, they didn't. They care just as much for Hitoshi now as they did before and he gets the same amount of attention from them. One of them always has time for him if he wants something and they are invested in his life like no one else ever has been before.
And still he hates Eri.
"No. No, you don't make me feel like that," he admits and now even Aizawa frowns at him.
"Then what is the problem?"
"The problem is that I had this all for my own and now I have to share it and I hate her for it!" He doesn't know how else to explain it, how to put into word the all-consuming ugly feeling inside of his chest whenever he thinks too long about her, looks at her for too long and maybe it's better that he can't.
Maybe he doesn't need to make himself more unlikeable than he already is.
"Ooookay?" Yamada is clearly unsure how to proceed here, if his helpless look at Aizawa is anything to go by.
"You have never, not once, given any indication of that. You're a good brother to her and a good son and—"
"Don't call me that," Hitoshi interrupts Aizawa. "I don't want to be a brother, I never have! For once in my goddamn life I wanted something for myself!"
He almost chokes on all those ugly feelings crawling up his throat but he has to tell them the truth, he has to let them know what kind of horrible person he is because otherwise he'll always wonder and fear and hope that maybe he'll get accepted anyway, even though he doesn't deserve it.
"Oh, baby," Yamada cries out and reaches out to pull Hitoshi into his arms.
He didn't think he would cry, was prepared to bite any and all tears back but now it all comes bursting out and they slide burning hot down his cheeks.
"Your feelings are valid, kid," Aizawa reassuringly tells him as he cards his fingers through Hitoshi's hair. "You're allowed to feel that way."
"But they make me a bad person," Hitoshi cries out because they do, they make him something horrible, hateful, something jealous and greedy and he hates himself for that most of all.
"They don't, kiddo, they truly don't," Yamada rambles, stroking up and down his back. "Because not once, not ever have you acted on them. You're sweet to Eri, you're good to her and not once have you shown any sign of hating her. That makes you a good person, because your feelings don't define who you are or what you are but what you do with them does. And you decided to not show her that hate."
"Hitoshi, it's okay if you don't want to be her brother and it's okay if you wanted to be an only child and have us all to yourself, that is valid. It's valid for everyone but especially for someone with your history and background."
It only makes Hitoshi cry harder because how dare they be so goddamn understanding and despite his tears and wails they don't berate him even once. They simply hold him as if that is a normal thing to do after someone admits to hating a literal child and yet they do.
"I'm sorry," Hitoshi gets out once his sobs have died down. "Please, don't give me back."
Because for all that he hates that he has to share this family now, he thinks he would hate it more if they sent him away.
"We're not giving you back, Hitoshi, that's not going to happen," comes Aizawa's immediate response. "You're our son and there is no going back on that."
He says it with utmost surety as if not even Hitoshi's confession could change that and it only brings out new tears, though this time they slide silently down Hitoshi's face.
"And you don't have to be sorry," Yamada mutters. "It's okay that you feel that way. We're just grateful that you told us."
"How can you be grateful for that?" Hitoshi chokes out and Yamada presses a kiss to his head.
"Because it means you trust us enough to be honest with us and you're comfortable enough to talk about things that matter to you."
"But I shouldn't hate her."
"Maybe," Aizawa gives back. "Maybe you shouldn't and maybe you should have been allowed to have something for yourself and maybe we should have talked about this more but we're here and the situation is as it is now. There's no changing that. So it's okay for you to hate her, and it's okay for us to feel regret over not talking this over extensively enough with you and it's okay for her to be happy here. Those are all valid things."
"You don't think I'm a horrible person for hating her?" Hitoshi quietly asks and Yamada sighs.
"Kiddo, I already said it: you're not a horrible person because never, not once, have you let her feel that hate. You're not mean to her. You're not bullying her. You haven't hurt her in any way and that makes you a good person."
"And now that we know, maybe we can do a few things to make it easier for you. We can't change our situation anymore, because we are her legal guardians, but Mandalay has asked repeatedly if Eri can stay the weekend, and maybe that is something we should do more often."
"You can't kick her out!"
"Oh, sweetheart, see? You're so good," Yamada whispers as he presses a kiss to his forehead.
"We're not kicking her out. It would be good for Eri to be around a woman and a kid her age and it would be her decision, too. And it's not permanent; it's not even for an entire week, at least not during the school year. But it would allow her to stretch her wings and it would allow you to have more time with us."
"Or do you think you'll hate her more when she comes back?"
It sounds like a genuine question, not as if they are baiting him for an answer and Hitoshi shrugs awkwardly.
"I don't know," he admits because he has no idea if that is going to make it worse or not and Aizawa pats his head for it.
"Then we'll figure it out. Thank you for telling us, kid."
"How can you just—accept all of this?" Hitoshi blurts out because how are they so unbothered by everything he said but he's only crushed in a hug again.
"Because those are your feelings and we're just happy you shared them with us."
It should sound like a bullshit answer but it's so earnest it brings tears to his eyes yet again and he buries his face in Yamada's shoulder.
"I'm seeing Katsuki," he mumbles into the fabric, because he thinks that's also something he should share and if they are in the process of dragging out all these feelings then that's definitely something that should be out there, too.
It earns him a bonk to the head and when he picks his face out of Yamada's shoulder to glare at Aizawa for it, he's met with a gentle smile.
"A loud blonde, really? Now, that is something we have to talk about."
"Tell us everything," Yamada excitedly gets out and despite the tear tracks on his face, Hitoshi blushes.
Well, maybe it's okay to be honest about his feelings. At least with the right people.