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Bigger Than Love

Summary:

Two years, seven months, and change until Erid. Grace is starving, and Rocky's been counting the hours out loud like it might change anything.

There's not much room on the Hail Mary for secrets. So Rocky says the word he's never said before: one Grace didn't even know existed.

Work Text:

The Hail Mary was racing toward Erid at nearly the speed of light.

Life aboard the cramped spacecraft had settled into a routine: work, sleep, and each other's company.

Grace and Rocky had grown a lot closer.


Grace had barely opened his eyes when Rocky's quiet voice purred above him.

"Grace sleep longer than usual. Usually seven hours. Today twelve."

"Rock, I just woke up. Give me a second," Grace said, rubbing his eyes. "You're right, I have been sleeping more. Guess I'm just running out of energy. And I'm out of caffeine pills. Oh well. Your turn now. Get some sleep. I'll watch."

Rocky spun around a few times, drumming his fingers rapidly against the xenonite sphere. That usually meant he was extremely worried.

"You getting smaller. Soft tissues disappearing. I hear it for long time now."

"Yeah, buddy, the menu around here isn't exactly nutritious. As you know, I ran out of my coma goo a while ago. And the taumeba smoothie didn't exactly agree with me. You saw me throw up."

"Taumeba bad food for Grace. Question?"

"They're missing a lot of important stuff. Amino acids. Vitamins. My muscles don't have what they need to grow."

"I hear even internal organs smaller now. Bones thinner. More porous."

"Yeah. I figured that would happen. That's what humans do when we don't get enough to eat."

"Bad. Bad. Bad. You must not die. You save Erid. Save me."

Rocky aimed his screen-listening device at the control panel.

"Time until Erid orbit: two years, seven months, three weeks, two days, one hour, nine minutes, forty-nine seconds."

"And that's about twelve hours less than it was the last time you read me that exact update before I went to sleep. Thanks, Rock."

Rocky completely missed the sarcasm.

"You welcome, friend Grace."

There was something in his voice that made Grace look up.

"Everything okay, Rock?"

Rocky didn't have a face, but Grace had learned to read even the slightest shifts in the Eridian's mood, not just from his voice but from the way he held himself. Right now, Rocky had drawn his limbs in close to his body and was gently rocking back and forth.

Grace walked over to the xenonite sphere and wrapped his arms around it, resting his face against one of its sides. Rocky immediately moved closer. Grace felt the warmth of his carapace against his cheek through the xenonite and closed his eyes. For a while, they said nothing. Rocky rocked slowly from side to side, and Grace listened to the ventilation humming somewhere inside the ship’s walls.

"What's wrong, Rock?" he asked softly.

"Nothing. Doesn't matter." Rocky hesitated. "Just thoughts."

"Rocky. You've never been able to lie. Eridians aren't very good at it. What's wrong?"

Rocky didn't answer right away. Instead, he moved even closer to the transparent wall of the sphere. Close enough for Grace to make out the faint veins along the inside of his carapace that appeared when it grew warmer.

"I worry. I afraid."

"Don't be afraid. It's okay. There's still food left... I'll make it. And if I don't..." He smiled. "I'll die a very happy man."

"Grace getting smaller. Sleep more. Ration food. If you die, very bad. Very bad. Very bad. Why Grace say 'happy'? Question."

"Because I met you."

Rocky took a moment to answer.

"Very happy meet you too."

Then he added,

"I ♫ ♪♫ you."

"What does that mean, Rocky? I don't know that word."

"It mean Rocky love Grace."

Grace went still, hand still pressed to the sphere. Rocky had never said anything like that before. Usually he was busy teasing Grace, complaining about his terrible memory, and reminding him just how hopelessly stupid he was.

As far as Grace knew, Eridian had two different words for love. Rocky used one when talking about other Eridians—for example, when he spoke about the friends he had lost. The other he used only when talking about Adrian.

"Love? But... I thought your word for 'love' sounded different."

"We have three words."

"Right. I've learned the other two, but I've never heard this one before. What does it mean? What kind of love? Like your friends? Or..." Grace looked away, suddenly embarrassed. "...like Adrian?" he asked after a brief hesitation, already realizing how ridiculous the question sounded.

Rocky went still.

"When we use this word, it mean we love someone... or something... so much we cannot live without it."

Grace stared at his friend. Two words for love, and now a third. One Rocky had never used before. What did that even mean? Rocky wasn't human. His nervous system was completely different. So was his biology. Eridians were hermaphrodites and, as far as Grace could tell, didn't seem to have anything like human romance or sex. He'd spent hours asking Rocky about life on Erid, yet somehow he had always avoided the subject of love and sexuality. Probably because he barely understood it himself. He'd been single almost his entire life.

"So..." Grace said slowly. "This new word... it's stronger than the way you love Adrian? You'd be able to live without Adrian?"

Rocky's fingers stopped drumming. He didn't answer right away.

"Adrian my mate. My home. Adrian watch my sleep. I watch Adrian sleep. When I return, if still wait for me, have children together. I love Adrian. If gone, I mourn very long time. Eventually... live again. Without mate, but live."

Another soft chord.

"But if I ♫ ♪♫ someone... or something... I cannot live without it. Bigger than love. Die without it. Die for it, if need."

Grace pressed his palms against his eyes.

"Grace. Water in organs for seeing Earth visible electromagnetic spectrum again. You sad? Question. Rocky upset Grace? Question?" His voice was growing more and more frantic.

"No, no, Rocky. You didn't upset me." He shook his head. "We don't have a word like that. But if we did... that's the one I'd use."

He took a slow breath.

"'Love' isn't enough. It's bigger than love. I've never had anyone closer to me than you. You're my best friend. The closest person I've ever had. The best thing that's ever happened to me."

His throat tightened. He had to stop for a moment before he could speak again.

"I wish I could touch you."

"Why? Question. If you touch me, your skin burn like after fishing. My carapace burn too. Grace stupid again. Bad nutrition make humans stupid. Question?"

Grace laughed through his tears.

"You're right, buddy. Bad idea." He shrugged. "Humans need touch. And... I've been alone for a very long time."

Rocky tapped his fingers against the wall for a moment. Then, without a word, he brought one hand up to the flexible section of the xenonite sphere they used to pass things through. Grace let go of the sphere and placed his own hand against the little elastic window. For the briefest instant, his fingertips touched Rocky's. It reminded him of something he'd done as a kid—passing his hand quickly through the flame of a candle. If you moved fast enough, the fire never had time to burn you.

"I know humans show love through touch. Touch important for you. I make new xenonite suit when we arrive on Erid. Then I hug you. Stay close, close, close while you sleep. Cannot live without Grace."

"Rocky..."

For a second, Grace couldn't get any words out.

"Rocky... I couldn't live without you either."

He wrapped his arms around the xenonite sphere again and leaned toward the little elastic window.

"What Grace doing?" Rocky asked, his voice edged with concern.

"It's called a kiss. Humans use kisses to show affection."

"Know. I see movies on Earth thinking machine. Disgusting. Soft. Wet. Gross. Gross. Gross."

"Please. Just once."

Very slowly, Rocky touched the elastic window with the very top of his carapace. Grace leaned forward and quickly pressed his lips against the xenonite where Rocky was touching it.

"Well?" Grace asked. "What do you think, Rock?"

"Disgusting... Do it again."