Chapter Text
The flight from Tokyo to Vienna will take eleven hours and seventeen minutes.
Mother was worried, of course; she’d offered to accompany him, but he declined her proposition. Allowing him to leave Japan and move in with Natsuomi-niisan is benevolent as is. He’d rather not overstep, not when he’s receiving so much kindness he doesn’t deserve.
His stomach’s tight as he takes his seat; he’s never taken flights well. He knows that he should sleep throughout it. However, his limbs are paralyzed. The most he can do is close his eyes.
As the plane takes off, he can only tremble, wrapping his arms around himself. It doesn’t bring him any comfort.
Akito always hugged him tight; his embrace was warm and comforting as his familiar scent wrapped around him, sugar and citrus. He’d ruffle his hair, or flick his forehead, before pulling away with a crooked grin.
He’ll miss Akito.
His choice was only right; Akito’s strong and iron-willed, unlike him. Though his stomach twists tighter with the reminder of the hurt he caused, he knows Akito will be able to move on. Akito’s strong and stubborn; he’ll keep chasing his dream, free from his halfheartedness. It was for the best, he tells himself, even though Akito’s heartbroken expression haunts his nightmares.
He hadn’t told Akito of his move. He considered it, briefly, though Akito probably wants nothing to do with him anymore. He doesn’t deserve to reapppear in his life, even for a moment, just to tell him that he’s leaving for good. He’s running away, like he ran from classical music.
The flight from Tokyo to Vienna will put nine thousand, one hundred and twenty seven point eighty three kilometers between himself and Akito.
Seven hours difference. When he wakes, Akito will be busy at school, or already focusing on practice. When he’s studying or reading, afternoon light shining upon his pages, Akito will be heading to sleep. When he goes to sleep, Akito will be waking up for his morning run.
Akito’s routine won’t change, he’s sure of it. Akito isn’t one to relent, he doesn’t give up.
Did Akito give up on him?
In the period between their argument and now, Akito hasn’t said a word. His fuse was always short, with a temper prone to outbursts. Did he need this time to calm down, or did he write him off as a lost cause? It has to be the second one. He knows what he did to Akito, how he treated Akito’s heart; he doesn’t deserve to delude himself with the thought that Akito wanted to forgive him.
It’s his fault that he lost Akito.
If he was stronger, if he had more resolve, he could stay at Akito’s side. He’d be able to support him, as his partner, instead of being a dead weight Akito had to carry for so long. His heart was always weak. Right now, it’s why he’s alone.
Would Toya have come back if he asked him to?
Of course, if Akito ended up wanting him by his side, he’d come back. He’s not enough, not for someone like Akito; his dream was only ever Akito’s, shared with him out of the kindness of Akito’s heart. If Akito chose to share it with him still, he’d stand by Akito’s side.
Would Akito ever want to have him back, after how much he’s hurt him?
He wants Toya back. Toya had to have a good reason to be so cruel; maybe it was his old man again, maybe something awful snuck into his mind to sow doubt. He should’ve noticed, paid better attention, been a better partner. He prided himself on being able to read Toya like an open book, and he failed when it mattered most.
Why did Toya do this?
He had to make sure that Akito won’t want to see him again. Seeing how brightly Akito burns, how Azusawa and Shiraishi share his resolve, he realized how much he lacks in that department. He had to push Akito away, had to break his heart.
Would Akito forgive him?
He doesn’t think he can forgive Toya. He knew what he was doing, he knew where to hit to hurt the hardest. Toya knew he’d heard similar things from people on Vivid Street, and despite staying by his side back then, he chose to be no different from them. He had to have his reasons, though. Even if he doesn’t forgive, he’d still accept Toya back. They’d work through it, together.
To his surprise, the exhale he breathes wobbles not from fear, but something else.
He misses Akito.
He misses Akito’s lopsided grin, and the warmth of his palm on his shoulder, and the flame his singing ignites. He wants to see Akito’s softer smile again, the one he has when eating pancakes and the one Akito only ever showed to him. He misses Ken-san’s coffee, and the cafes he frequented with Akito. Though it was annoying, he wants to help Akito with homework again. Akito’s so smart, so commited, it’s a shame he could never commit to his studies. Though, it gave him an excuse to sit side by side, arms touching, and hear Akito compliment the neatness of his notes.
He misses practicing until the sun sets and beyond, and Akito’s worn out, satisfied expression at whatever improvements they’ve made. He misses the lively Vivid Street, walking thought the bustling streets with Akito, nodding politely to the people he recognizes. He misses the chill of a mic in hand, his body synced with Akito’s on stage, their hearts beating in the same rhythm.
He covers his face with his hands. He knows it had to be done, but he wishes he was in Japan, with Akito at his side. The distance between them would be none, without a time difference, and he’d be someplace he belongs.
There’s nothing he can do now. He’ll look back on his memories and treasure them, while leading a tranquil, half hearted life in Vienna.