Work Text:
“I’ve worked for them before,” Jimmy tells Elias as he parks in front of their new clients’ house. “Really nice couple. Just a bit… particular sometimes.”
Jimmy is something like Elias’s mentor at the construction firm he has just started working for. So far, he seems like a good guy, even if his accent sounds a bit posh from time to time, considering he is the epitome of a blue-collar worker.
“Particular how?” Elias asks as he gets out of the car.
The neighbourhood they’re in is quite nice and very clean by London standards.
“Just… a touch gauche, but quite charming with it,” Jimmy says, which doesn’t really tell Elias what he means, before walking towards a house on the left-hand side of the street. It’s a two-storey house painted in warm colours that fit the neighbourhood, with daffodils growing in the front garden.
Elias gets the toolbox from the car while Jimmy rings the doorbell. He’s the newbie, after all.
The man who opens the door is still in his pyjamas and younger than Elias expected someone who owns property in London to be. He has high cheek bowns, dark eyes and brown curls.
“Hi, Jimmy,” he says in greeting before giving Elias a smile. “And you must be new, right? I’m Dan.”
“Elias,” he introduces himself, shaking Dan’s hand. He can feel his face heating up under his client’s attention. Dan is quite pretty for a man.
“So, what’s the verdict for today?” Jimmy asks, clasping his hands together. “Should we carry on with the kitchen?”
Dan nods. “Sure.”
He leads them inside, and Elias thinks Jimmy might have meant their taste in interior design when he said the couple living here were a bit particular. There is a lot going on, with almost no empty space on the walls, objects that look like stage props standing around, and far more seating than a single house could possibly need.
“I was just making coffee for Phil,” Dan continues as they reach the alarmingly colourful kitchen. “Do you want one too?”
“Yes, please,” Jimmy says, and Elias simply nods.
Okay, so there’s a Phil. This changes things. Did Jimmy mean the couple living here were weird because they were gay? Elias certainly hopes not. He has only just started liking his mentor.
//
Elias doesn’t meet Phil on his first day of work, nor does he find out whether his new colleague is homophobic. He mostly works on sealing the worktops while listening to Jimmy explain his marital problems. It all sounds exhausting, as though Jimmy and his wife are in dire need of a divorce.
Dan darts in and out of the kitchen a few times, and Elias has a short conversation with him about Pokémon after spotting their Munchlax and Morpeko mugs.
All in all, it’s a rather pleasant day at work, and the only things Elias learns about his client are that he is most likely gay and a bit of a nerd. It could be worse.
//
The rest of the week at work is much the same, with Dan greeting them in the morning, making coffee, and then leaving them to do their jobs. He always mentions Phil, but Elias never meets him, which seems a bit odd, since Phil apparently is always there. Just like Dan.
That is also odd, and it makes Elias wonder what the two of them do for work.
Still, he doesn’t question it. Maybe they have simply come into an inheritance.
It’s already Friday when Elias finally meets the other man of the house.
Phil is blond, just as tall as Dan, perhaps a few years older, and wearing Minecraft trousers. He looks almost surprised when he sees Elias, blinking owlishly at him.
Which seems a bit silly. Even if it is mostly Dan who speaks to them, Phil must be aware that there are builders fixing up their home.
“Hello, excuse me,” Elias says. “I had a question about the tiles for the kitchen splashback, and I couldn’t find Dan. Um, could you maybe come and take a look?”
Phil smiles at him and nods. “Sure. Just give me a second.”
Then he turns his attention back to the laptop in front of him, hitting a few keys before putting the device aside and following Elias into the kitchen.
Phil isn’t happy with the layout of the tiles, and behind his back, Robin, another of Elias’s coworkers, rolls his eyes at the man’s criticism.
Elias thinks that is a bit dramatic. After all, Phil is perfectly nice about what he wants changed, and in the end, he is the one who has to live in the house for the foreseeable future and look at the splashback tiles every day.
“We normally get Dan if we have a question,” Robin tells him later. “He’s more agreeable than Phil. Honestly, we’d get more done if that guy would stop telling us what to do.”
Elias feels a little guilty when he simply nods in agreement. It’s not that he dislikes Phil. Quite the opposite—the man seems incredibly friendly. But Elias also really wants to have another conversation with Dan about Pokémon. Or maybe Naruto.
//
Elias makes his first mistake at work three weeks later, when he turns up at Dan and Phil’s house on a Wednesday that was actually scheduled as a day off.
He had slept in and somehow forgotten why he hadn’t set an alarm. Instead, he had simply gone through his normal morning routine, which ended with him standing completely out of breath on the doorstep of the Howell-Lester home, ringing the bell.
As usual, it’s Dan who answers the door, although it takes him a little longer than normal.
And Dan looks… quite different from usual. He’s wearing a skirt with a cropped mesh shirt. And make-up. And… are those bear ears?
Dan is a man in his thirties. He should look ridiculous. Sadly, he really, really doesn’t.
“Elias?” Dan asks, sounding confused. “What are you doing here?”
But Elias barely registers the question. Instead, what comes out of his mouth is, “What the hell are you wearing?”
Dan blinks at him once. Twice. Then he looks down at his outfit as though he has forgotten what he is wearing. When he looks up again, his entire face is flushed.
“I—uh—it’s… for work?”
He doesn’t sound convinced, and Elias certainly isn’t. But once again, he is reminded that he has no freaking idea what Dan and Phil do for a living.
“Why are you here?” Dan asks again, crossing his arms over his chest. “You have the day off.”
This time, Elias is the one whose face heats up. Right. He has the day off.
And he should be on his way to his niece’s baby shower instead of harassing his very nice and very pretty client on one of the days when he and his partner have the house to themselves. God.
Did he interrupt their roleplay?
“Oh. Yeah. I’m—I’m so sorry. I forgot that—”
But Dan shakes his head. “No problem. Oversights happen.”
They stand in silence for a moment, Elias still somewhat thrown by Dan’s outfit.
“Uh. Do you need anything else?” Dan asks. “Because otherwise, I’m going back inside. It’s kind of cold.”
Elias nods slightly robotically. It’s October. Not exactly the ideal time for miniskirts.
“Yes—no, I mean, I don’t need anything. Sorry,” he stammers.
Then, before he can stop himself, he adds, “But you look very nice today. Phil is a lucky man.”
The flush on Dan’s face returns with an intensity that almost worries Elias, and when Dan opens his mouth again, his voice is at least two octaves higher than normal and slightly whiny.
“Thanks. But this really is for work!”
On his way to his sister’s, Elias considers the possibility that Dan might be telling the truth. Maybe the outfit really is for work. Maybe Dan is a cam boy.
That would explain why he and Phil are always at home. Although Dan seems a bit old for that… But then again, how much does Elias really know about cam boys?
That night, he comes dangerously close to googling Dan and Phil. The only reason he stops himself is that he has no idea what he would do with the information if it turned out he was right and Dan really was a cam boy.
He doesn’t think he would ever be able to look the other man in the eye again.
//
Over the next few weeks, Elias starts to dislike Phil. He feels terrible about it, because some of his colleagues already dislike Phil simply because he occasionally has opinions about what they are doing to his home. Elias’s dislike of Phil, meanwhile, has absolutely nothing to do with Phil. It has everything to do with Dan.
Because Elias has a crush. On a client. Which is incredibly unprofessional. Especially when that client is in a long-term relationship. But he can’t help it. Dan is very much his type, and he also seems completely oblivious to how often he flusters Elias.
At least Elias never even entertains the idea that he might have a chance with Dan, because Dan and Phil aren’t just in a serious, long-term relationship.
They are also in a disgustingly happy one.
There is only one moment in all the months Elias works for them when he witnesses anything resembling an argument between the two, and even then, he isn’t entirely sure how serious it really is.
Elias is using Phil’s phone because he needs access to the construction firm’s app when Dan texts his boyfriend.
Dan (10:43)
my taxi driver is chatty
Elias gives Phil a questioning look. The man chuckles.
“Dan doesn’t like making small talk with strangers.”
He sounds slightly embarrassed as he takes the phone, types a quick reply, and hands it back to Elias. Whatever he sent doesn’t appear to be good enough for Dan.
Dan (10:43)
can you call me?
Dan (10:43)
just for one sec
Dan (10:43)
to make the noise
Dan (10:44)
traitor
Elias raises an eyebrow at Phil, who chuckles again, although now he sounds distinctly uncomfortable.
“He really doesn’t like talking to strangers.”
Dan (10:44)
i just need you to make the call so it makes the noise. you don’t have to talk
Dan (10:44)
you can hang up immediately
Phil types another quick reply to his boyfriend, both of his ears red now. For the first time, Elias thinks that maybe it isn’t such a bad thing that Dan isn’t single.
He isn’t sure he is ready for this level of commitment.
//
When Dan explains his vision for moonlit-forest-themed office walls to Elias, Elias thinks it sounds amazing. He might not agree with every interior-design decision Dan and Phil have made while decorating their home, but moonlit forest walls?
That sounds freaking epic. So he tells Dan exactly that.
“Yeah, I think that would look really cool.”
“Right?” Dan grins. Then he winks. “I mean, obviously it would. It’s my idea, after all.”
He isn’t wearing a skirt today. He still looks far too pretty for a man.
“Obviously,” Elias agrees weakly.
“No, we’re not doing that,” comes a voice from the other side of the room.
When Elias turns, Phil is sitting there, buried beneath a pile of blankets, with his laptop in his lap, glasses perched on his nose, and a slightly disgruntled expression on his face.
Elias can’t help feeling caught. Dan doesn’t seem to have the same problem.
“Aww, Phil, don’t be so boring!”
“I’m not being boring. I just don’t want everything in here plastered with patterns.”
Dan pouts. “It wouldn’t be everything. The floor would stay clear.”
Phil gives him an unimpressed look. “This is our new office. I want to be able to concentrate in here, not feel like I’ve fallen into the bedroom of an astrology-obsessed teenager.”
Which is a fair point.
“But it would look great!” Dan says. “Elias agrees with me, right?”
Then he places a hand on Elias’s shoulder and gives him a you tell him look. Elias wants the floor to swallow him whole. Because while Dan might have no idea, Phil’s amused expression tells Elias that he knows exactly how Elias feels about Dan.
“I…” Elias starts. “I think you should discuss that between yourselves, actually. And call me when you’ve come to a decision.”
Then he practically flees the room, leaving a confused Dan and a grinning Phil behind. Outside, Elias can still hear them talking, and Phil immediately confirms his suspicions.
“You know he’s flirting with you, right, Dan?”
There is silence for a second.
Then, “What? Elias? No. He’s straight, isn’t he?”
Dan sounds absolutely baffled, and that’s… Well. Wow. Either Dan has the world’s worst gaydar, or Elias has been far more subtle than he thought.
“I doubt it,” Phil snorts.
But he doesn’t sound angry or even annoyed. Just amused. Elias wonders what it must be like to feel that secure in a relationship.
“Maybe you’re just jealous because he appreciates my genius for wallpaper design,” Dan quips. He sounds playful, not genuinely defensive.
Another laugh follows, this one closer to a giggle.
“Right.”
Elias sighs quietly. He’ll be happy when the renovation of the Howell-Lester home is finally done.
//
It is entirely by chance that, two years later, Elias finally discovers who his former clients were when he comes across an article about them on BBC News.
YouTubers Dan and Phil finally marry after almost twenty years together
Dan Howell, formerly known online as danisnotonfire, and Phil Lester, formerly known as AmazingPhil, have finally taken the next step and said “I do” at a registry office—after choosing each other in private, time and time again, for nearly two decades.
By then, Elias hasn’t thought about Dan and Phil in over a year, and the only thing he feels is a brief flicker of happiness for them.
And the bizarre relief of knowing that he hadn’t interrupted some elaborate roleplay that day. Dan really had been wearing the skirt for work—just not the kind of work Elias had imagined.