Chapter Text
Pomni didn't get a wink of sleep last night.
It's not like she needed to, per se. In this digital world, she could go without it for theoretically forever as her body simply doesn't call for it. However, her mind does. Having the option to temporarily shut her brain off was just too good to pass up; it offered her respite from her thoughts and some time to reboot. She had learned the hard way that going without sleep for more than a couple of days would overload her mind's cache and leave her a shambling, zombified mess. Having to wrangle her thoughts to a dull rumble as to fall asleep was something she had done for years up this point, as was the consequences of having a hyperactive mind. Most nights it took a mere half an hour, or a full one at most.
Last night was not like most nights.
Pomni had a bit of a dilemma on her hands. Or, more aptly, and she found no amusement in this: she had a doll-ema on her mind.
The projector in the back of her mind had flared to life a terse fifteen seconds after she had jumped into her bed, and — surprise-surprise — showings were all starring her favorite Ragdoll Actress. As she settled into her seat in the barren theater and got comfortable; and as the previews flew by, she resigned herself to her fate. With steadily reddening cheeks she watched as her mind played some very specific snippets from the months she had been stuck in this place. Candid shots of Ragatha, dolled up in that Spudsy's uniform. Her rolling her hips as she talked to Pomni, flashing the sweetest of smiles. Her voice, soft and comforting like a heated blanket, draped over Pomni. Not for the first time, she quietly wrapped her arms around her biggest pillow and hugged it close to her chest. For a brief, delusional second, she felt like she wasn't alone in the theater of her mind.
Come 5:30 AM, she had about enough. She simply could not go on like this— it was getting bad.
She needed to organize her thoughts and lay out a roadmap on what to do next... and she knew exactly how to do it. Pomni never thought she'd appreciate those biweekly mandatory meetings about efficiency she had at her old job.
She swung her legs out of her bed and slipped out of her room. She was racing against the clock, here.
Pomni half jogged to the railing just outside of the hall of bedrooms and halted her momentum with the railing.
"Caine?" she half whispered, half yelled. "Caine!"
The Ringmaster appeared in a puff of lavender tinted smoke floating above a six story drop. He was dressed in white and blue striped pajamas and holding a cup of what she assumed to be coffee. He rubbed the sleep out of his eyes as he regarded her. "My, you're up early today!" He said, taking a glug of his mug. "You roused me from a most agreeable slumber, you know."
Pomni tilted her head. "You can sleep?"
He tossed his mug over his head and snapped his fingers, changing into his usual wear. "Only when I feel like it, my dear! These cakes can't run on 100% at all times these days! Even your loveable Ringmaster needs some shut eye from time to time." To punctuate his point, he formed eyelids and shut his eyes.
Pomni shivered. "Riiight, uh, well— sorry to wake you, Caine."
"Water under the bridge! Hah, I love that saying! What's next, fork found in kitchen?!" He threw his head back and laughed, then cut it short. "Ah, right, sorry. You needed something, yes? What can I do for you, buddy ol' pal?"
Pomni gave him a warm smile and made her request.
"A white board?"
Caine scoffed. "I mean, of course you can have one, Pomni! Just— considering I can make just about anything you guys want... why one of those in particular?"
"It's for... scheduling." Pomni lied through her teeth. "It's hard keeping track of all the fun stuff we do lately. Can you blame me?"
He scratched under his bottom denture. "Suppose not, no. Well if you say so! Want it installed in your room, or—"
"—I can just hang it up myself if you make it here!" Pomni said quickly.
"Your call!" Caine snapped his fingers and mid-sized white board and a set of generic markers spawned a foot above her. "Enjoy!"
She caught it out of the air, bid Caine a good rest of his morning, and made her way back to her room.
Pomni would not be using this white board for scheduling purposes. That was a brazen lie, and she didn't even need to deceive Caine over it, really. She could've just told him what the true purpose of this would be: organizing her thoughts. It's not like he would had ever guessed what those thoughts would pertain to.
Disorganized thinking wasn't a problem she had usually had— she considered herself competent in working through her thoughts and coming to logical conclusions. However this recent dilemma was something that had her brain going in circles over and over like some Sisyphean dog race. Back out there, beyond the screen, she used to make thought maps to help her through tougher problems, such as this one.
Back in her room, Pomni hung the board to the right of her vanity. She uncapped the red marker next and gave it an experimental sniff. Yup, smelled like marker. It worked like a marker ought to as well, as made apparent by how she used it to scrawl out the name of this particular dilemma at the top of the board.
RAGATHA
Oh yeah, all capital letters. It was that serious. After a quick circle of the woman's name, she stepped back and rubbed her chin with the bottom of the marker.
Twenty five years old.
She been through several rounds of schooling, including dropping out and dropping back into college at least twice. She held the same white collar, grey tinted accounting job for years. She could drink, she could drive, and she once done the latter after doing the former. Suffice to say, she was a big girl. As adult as it could get, despite little jester avatar she occupied.
So how could she possibly be dealing with something as immature as a crush?
Pomni began to pace, bringing her arms back behind her. She stalked the length of her room up and down like she was moments away from hitting a button that would open a panel to reveal James Bond strapped to an examination table. Primed and ready for her to divulge her plans for world domination. Although, at the moment, she felt like she herself was primed for her own world's damnation.
This crush was as bad as it had ever been for her. She was no stranger to them— hell she caught feelings easier than an orb weaver caught flies in the corner of a pig's pen. But this took the cake, tin and even the box it all came in. She couldn't even go one conversation with out turning into a babbling brook of a woman, spitting out half formed words like she was feeling sick after having a dictionary for lunch just because Ragatha turned her way and gave her that smile.
A simple semi-circle. That was all it was. Yet, when it was directed towards her, everything else melted away.
Sun breaking over a mountain of slate grey clouds, melting the morning frost from her heart. The roaring heat of a hearth a week into January, warming more than just her cheeks. It turned her insides into little worms that wriggled so much they tickled her, and then she couldn't help but smile right back. Never a small one, either. Her cheeks would hurt, that's how face splitting it was. Despite the size, it didn't match the catalyst at all. Ragatha's smile versus her own was like holding up a five year old's crayon recreation up to the Mona Lisa.
Soft, sweet and holding all the care in the world. Pomni didn't even to do anything to see it, she just had to stand there. It made her feel selfish sometimes. Naturally, she had taken to showcasing her brand of humor to Ragatha as recompense for being privy to such a stunning beam.
Naturally this had unforeseen consequences.
Each little syllable of Ragatha's laughter was like a gun shot killing her dead followed by defibrillators bringing her back to life. By the end of a particularly long string, Pomni was left a grinning, red cheeked corpse who couldn't take her goddamned eyes off the way Ragatha's eyes lit up like stars in the night. Damn her for laughing at just about anything. Did she want Pomni to put her apparent immortality to the test?
Maybe drawing out the timeline would help?
Pomni drew a straight — hah — line across the board and marked the beginning and the end. So, when had she first discovered this crush?
It had to be that hug two weeks ago.
At the time, she had embraced Ragatha without thinking. The look on her face; the fact that she had to keep that secret bottled up for so, so long and— up until that point, she really didn't have anyone batting for her; not like did for everyone else. It made Pomni's heart tremble and in that moment, she wanted nothing more than to show Ragatha that she didn't have to stand in that batting cage alone. Just like Pomni had leaned on her, Ragatha could lean right back. It was a hug of love, but not the romantic kind.
Or at least she had thought.
Pomni wrote down hug at the beginning of the line.
She couldn't stop thinking about it after the fact. The night afterward her mind drifted to that moment. Of Ragatha returning the embrace, wrapping those pillow soft arms around her body. Or how her torso felt like the most comfortable thing in the world— she was just one big damn pillow and as she laid in bed, she desired to have that moment with her again and again.
It was when she hugged a pillow to her chest and pretended it was Ragatha. Yeah, that was the moment she knew.
But, usually... feelings like this faded for her. She would enjoy a few days of uselessly pining over, say... the new, cute barista at her favorite coffee shop who giggled over her stammering over her own name. Then, after avoiding that shop altogether for a week, she'd be rip roaring to go.
In a case like this, she couldn't exactly avoid Ragatha, and the feelings were unquestionably not fading. In fact, they were getting worse. The theater of her mind had once been more akin to a phone held horizontal in the gloom of her apartment.
She thought back to one verifiably homosexual moment — mostly just to drive home to herself that she was screwed beyond belief — just a week ago during a game of cards.
"Have any sixes?"
"Nope! Go fish."
"Hm... I would, but we're in the middle of a game right now."
She always furrowed her brows first. Pomni likened it to the calm before the storm. Such a dumb, stupid joke— but Ragatha's snort crescendo-ing into that belly laugh made it seem like she was the first guy to tell that one newspaper joke. What's black and white and red all over? Pomni the next time she and Ragatha took a visit to that Noir bar no doubt.
And, of course, when Ragatha started laughing, Pomni couldn't help the giggles that spilled out of her mouth. Twenty five years old and giggling like a schoolgirl because her crush liked her pedestrian-level quip. How queer.
Pomni wrote cards smack dab in the middle of the timeline.
Her own brow furrowed as she thought about Ragatha's laugh again, and tried to will the heat off of her cheeks. This crush in particular she couldn't logic her way out of— as there was no bad part of her to assemble a mental hit piece on.
In fact, she was starting to get the feeling there was just a lot to like about Ragatha. She had the biggest, sweetest heart of anyone that Pomni had ever known, and that wasn't her being hyperbolic. Pomni could simply trip and that ragdoll would come running over, asking if she was all right— putting a hand on her shoulder and then just leaving it there long after the crisis of scuffing her shoes had come to a close. Dear lord, did she do it on purpose? Baring down at her her with that pursed line of a mouth, eye so full of concern it made Pomni's stomach feel like it was getting wrung out like a soaked rag?
"Just checking, sorry!"
She oughta check her heart the way it skipped a beat.
Ragatha was always just looking out for her too, even in the small ways. After Gangle would prose a group activity, Ragatha would ask if her that's what she wanted to do that day. Honestly Pomni was down for anything, but she appreciated that regardless.
There was one thing she had started to do as of three days ago that really made Pomni want to melt into a little puddle of red and blue— but mostly red. She had taken to gently rapping on her door in the morning, somehow always just ten minutes after Pomni had woken up; and would ask her if she wanted to accompany her to breakfast. That was it, a simple request, but it meant so, so much. Ragatha could've just walked right past her door and taken the five minute walk to the kitchen herself—... but she wanted to spend that extra five minutes with her.
Of course Pomni couldn't say no to her — she was pretty sure that word was excised from her lexicon in her presence, and even it wasn't she wouldn't have rejected her — and it seemed to have become a bit of a daily tradition.
Pomni wrote breakfast near the end of the timeline... and then went back to the beginning after a thought occurred to her.
Ragatha had become rather touchy after they confessed how much they meant to each other, hadn't she? Pomni had never loved being touched, in fact she'd go so far as to say she mostly hated it, but she had become addicted to how Ragatha did it. Perhaps it wasn't how, but just the fact that it was her doing it.
A hand on her shoulder. A boop on her noseless face as a bit of a tease. A playful bat on the arm whenever Pomni told one of her legendary jokes. They had even held hands once. Yesterday, in fact.
They were out on the grounds, taking a round around the Digital Lake. The conversation was as winding and tangential as usual these days; and it had eventually shifted to cinema. Pomni had mentioned that one of her personal favorite movies — besides the one she liked to play while she was trying to sleep — was always the The Iron Giant. The expression Ragatha gave her nearly punched her soul clean out of her body. She didn't even have time to recuperate— because Ragatha lurched forward, took both of her hands into hers and gasped.
Of course even her gasps were cute, why wouldn't they be?
"Oh my gosh, Pom!" She breathed. "That's my favorite movie! Like, of all time!"
Pom.
Their joined hands, the look she was giving her, that nickname. It made her brain feel like it was trying to barrel through a clogged intersection going 90 miles per hour. The outcome?
"W-Wowzers," Pomni replied... then cringed. Wowzers, seriously? Did she just stumble out of the 60s? If she had a bowtie on it would've spun.
Ragatha snorted. "Pomni, you dork." She said, then gave her a little conspiratorial glance. "Soooooo what was your favorite part of it?" She hummed, and then the funniest thing happened. Ragatha let go of one of her hands, but kept holding onto the other one. Pomni's brain didn't even register it as she was wracking ut trying to remember what the Giant bellowed before he exploded, and then as soon as it caught up, she went rigid. They were holding hands. She just about exploded herself.
Twenty five years old, by the way. She had once kicked a guy in the nuts in a crowded bar for grabbing her ass.
Ragatha stopped mid stride, looked back with that squiggly mouth thing she does and caught her gaze. "Oh!" She relinquished her hand quickly. Too quickly, as far as Pomni was concerned. Call her greedy, but having one more second with those soft, ever so fuzzy hands intertwined with her own would've went from making her day to making her week. "Sorry, I just— that was, um..." she trailed off, looking anywhere but her. Fucks sake, Pomni had made it weird.
Ragatha apologized again, Pomni nodded dumbly and the conversation resumed only after the most awkward 15 seconds of her life.
Pomni quickly scrawled her name and wrote *dumb* under it. This was separate from the timeline, just a bit of an author's note. Foot note? Nah, it didn't have time to make one. It was too busy vacationing in her mouth these days.
She took a step back and quickly analyzed her timeline. As she had suspected, it looked like the ravings of a mad woman. However, it had helped her parse through her thoughts. It helped lay out just how pervasive this crush really was. She just couldn't have a normal interaction with Ragatha anymore without wanting to either throw up, run away or do both at the same time. Most of the time, it just left her a stiff mess spitting out garbled stock phrases like she was some shitty toy from a thrift shop's bargain bin.
"Yeah, that sounds good!"
"Sure, if that's what you want."
"Hey, Ragatha. Hi."
Embarrassing is what it was. Not very subtle either. Zooble had noticed. They hadn't said anything, but after Pomni would deliver one of her iconic stammered responses to just about anything Ragatha would say— if they were present, they would shoot her a look. Despite having no mouth, Pomni knew exactly what they were saying.
You're hopeless.
Maybe. But she didn't have to be. The crush felt insurmountable, but having its key points laid out like this at least made it feel perceivable beyond the abstract. Now, and she started to pace again as she thought this, she could move on.
Literally.
Pomni decided she was not going to be shooting her shot.
That'd be like trying to hit a needle in a haystack from the moon. Ragatha sat at the other end of a sea of emotion and Pomni would have better luck parting the Circus itself than cleave those seas in twain to cross them. Point being— she didn't have a chance. She just simply wasn't good enough. Not for Ragatha, at least. She needed a knight to sweep her off her feet, not for a bumbling demure accountant turned Jester to struggle lifting her.
To put it as bluntly as she could for herself; Ragatha rested easy atop the summit of Mont Blanc whilst she was crushed way down deep in the Mariana Trench. There were worlds of differences between them.
She didn't deserve a chance with Ragatha after how she treated her for most of the time she had known her. And for giving her such a scare too after she pulled that stunt with Jax's abstracted form. She hadn't said anything, but Pomni saw the hurt on her face. She was worried she would lose her too.
Man, she sucked.
Pining like this was addicting, too. The kind of addicting that made her feel even guiltier than she already did.
Like a drug that left her high and dumb. Err, dumber. It was doing both her and Ragatha an injustice to play this game. Ragatha had to have noticed how awkward she had become in these past two weeks. Pomni literally dropped a cup of milk watching her come into the kitchen four days ago. It was situational comedy levels of down bad. The only thing funny about this situation is that Ragatha hadn't let her down softly yet. And by funny she meant sad. She was just waiting for Pomni to make the first move; because she was just nice like that— she didn't want to assume despite the mounting evidence to the contrary.
So, Pomni would take matters into her own hands. More than anything, she didn't want to lose this friendship over some scant errant feelings.
The risk was also too great even besides that. If she did spill her feelings whole heartedly and laid it all on the line with no way to reel it back in— and Ragatha said no, because she would. Then that was that. Pomni would be crushed, but more importantly, they'd both have to sit with the fact that Pomni had been pining over her for weeks. Ragatha would no doubt feel intensely uncomfortable by that. There was also the immutable fact that with just the six of them — not counting the rare times Caine pulled out a few NPCs to fill out the rosters for some activities — that new awkwardness would be hard to gloss over. She spent practically every night with these people. They would notice the change between her and Ragatha. Plus, how was she expected to play D&D with her after she looked her in the eye and rejected her?
Plus she might not even like women. Her gaydar was way off in this place.
Still, she would be remiss to not at least consider the possibility, as microscopic as it was, that Ragatha may say yes. Some accountant that would make her, retired or not. As a result, Pomni had come to the conclusion that possible two situations would arise.
Firstly, she may say yes just out of pure kindness. She may not genuinely reciprocate Pomni's feelings in the slightest, and that would lead to a whole other hive of problems. To give herself an example, asking Ragatha if she'd like to go out that night and to be given a strained smile and a half hearted agreement somehow felt worse than being rejected outright. That was a recipe for a slowly widening gap and resentment.
Secondly, if she did, somehow, someway feel the same... then that was the scariest scenario of all. If Pomni didn't fumble it, and they did enjoy some time together... that didn't mean much when there was an expiration date on it, didn't it? Pomni had seen first hand what love in a place like this could lead to. One party could abstract, and if the other somehow didn't... they would be driven insane. Or, at least, take a carpool halfway there. Kinger was more lucid than ever these days, bucket hat or not, but he was still a broken man.
Pomni didn't want Ragatha in either role.
It all working out was a pipe dream at best.
There was only one thing she could do in a case such as this.
Pomni would tell Ragatha how she felt.
And then she would ask to spend some time apart.
Courteous, kind and efficient... if perhaps a bit clinical.
Regardless, it was a surefire way to get everything out into the open, and then in those weeks — Pomni's heart clenched as she thought about not being able to see Ragatha for more than a day — her feelings would fade, and they could move on. They could go back to normal, and Pomni could actually enjoy what she has with out reaching for the impossible.
Their relationship would be stronger for it. She just hoped she would handle the way Ragatha would look at her with pity before quickly covering it up.
She let out a breath — one that she was surprised to find out she was holding — and stood up straight. Staring down the barrel of rejection felt a whole lot better when it was the only option available, she found.
With new resolve rattling in her chest, Pomni wiped the board clean and started writing. If she was going to offload her feelings onto Ragatha, then she sure as hell was going to do it in the nicest way possible.
It's what she deserved.
Twenty minutes later, there was a soft knock on her door. Right on time.
"Coming!" Pomni flipped the white board around and rushed to the door. She briefly ran a mental checklist of her appearance. Yep, she still looked like a dumb little Jester. She was good to go, then.
She pulled the door open and almost had to shield her eyes from the blinding smile that greeted her.
"Good morning, Pomni!" Ragatha said. She had her hands at her waist, her head ever so tilted as to let those strands of red hair bunch on one shoulder and by god she was glowing.
"Hey... Ragatha, Hi—" Pomni replied, spitting the foot out of her mouth. "Err, I mean— good morning to you too!" She fired off a few finger guns. Ragatha couldn't possibly look any happier to be shot.
"How'd you sleep?" She asked.
"Good, good..." Pomni said, folding her arms. "—did you... want to go get breakfast together?"
Somehow, the smile grew. "Of course! Shall we, then—" she trailed off, pursing her lips as her gaze thankfully slipped off of Pomni's face and into her room. "Is that a white board?"
Pomni's throat went dry. "Yup."
"Oooh, I presume you got it from Caine, hmmm?" She hummed, and gave her a sly look. "What're you planning to do with that?"
"Whiteboard stuff."
Ragatha snorted and rolled her eye. "Yeah, duh. C'mon, Pom. Can't even tell me what you're up to?"
Pomni played with the hem of her glove. "Not yet."
The Ragdoll scoffed playfully and batted her arm. "Fiiiine, keep your secrets. But don't think I won't be keeping my eye out for any plans! Or my button!"
You're so cute I want to kiss you so bad.
If Pomni could put thoughts in a headlock, she would've popped the head off of that one. "Mhmmm," she instead replied with. "Noted! Anywhoooo..." She closed the door behind her. "Let's get to the kitchen before Gangle takes all of the good donuts. You didn't get any jelly filled ones yesterday."
Ragatha flapped her mitts. "Oh, I don't mind," she mumbled as they started to walk. It was clear to Pomni that she did mind.
"I do! Now come on, slowpoke. You don't want me to beat you there again, do you?" Pomni gave her a smug look.
She brought her hand up to her chest with a gasp. "As if! Gosh, I..." she trailed off, glancing behind them down the hall. "Didja hear that?"
"Hear what?" Pomni mumbled, turning around. Had Kinger quietly shuffled up behind them again? He had taken to doing that as a lark lately. Nothing jumped out at her and when she looked back, Ragatha was already halfway down the hall.
Oh, that tricky little minx.
"*Seriously!?*" Pomni yelled with a big, dopey grin on her face. "I trusted you!" She started, stumbled and broke into a sprint.
"That was your first mistaaaaaake!" Ragatha chirped in a sing-song voice as she dipped around the corner and out of sight.
Pomni laughed as she raced down the hall. If this would be their last breakfast together like this for some weeks, then she would enjoy it to the fullest. Come tomorrow afternoon, over the lunch Pomni had meticulously planned out— things would likely never quite go back to being the same... but it be would all worth it.
For the sake of their relationship.