Chapter Text
*Brendon's POV*
Ryan Ross...how can I describe him? Well, he's a sweet guy, to make it simple. Ryan's my sweetheart and I'll protect him at all costs. I was in line for lunch, like usual. School food sucks, and it either has no flavor or it's completely submerged in butter. I'm usually too lazy to pack a lunch anyway. Their nachos are basically the only good thing there, but it's not something I'd have every day. I guess some of it isn't too bad. I grabbed some lunch and went to the corner where we usually hang out at. I couldn't find Brent or Spencer. I guess they're grabbing lunch too. Even though we're all juniors, we still find a way to sneak off school grounds. I mean, we're allowed to leave for lunch anyway. I did find Ryan, who was sitting in the corner, acting a little strange. He had his guitar in its case, a surprisingly lightly used notebook and the rest of his things beside him. I thought, Man, Ry's acting weird. He'd usually greet me, but he can't even bring himself to look at me. I knelt down beside him and asked, "Hey, babe...you doing okay? You've been really quiet today and I'm getting worried. Is there something that I should know about?" Ryan just hung his head down, not wanting to talk at all. I looked over at his things. "Your guitar's all put up, I didn't get to hear you singing, you're not writing in that journal, and you haven't spoke at all today. What the fuck is going on?" I'm getting super worried now...Ryan has been quiet before, but never this quiet. I have a feeling that I did something wrong, but I know that's very unlikely. I got closer to him to rub his back. "Come on, baby. You can tell me. What's going on?" I noticed some tears threatening to fall, but I paid no attention to it. He looked away and said quietly:
"Nothing's wrong, Brendon. It's nothing. I'm fine." I noticed that he didn't call me any of those cutesy nicknames he usually uses. There's something wrong, but he just doesn't want to tell me. He's scared of how I'll react. I looked at him in confusion and concern. He said again, "I'm fine, Brendon. Please...just...just please don't worry about me."
I replied, "No, you're not. You are not fine. Your eyes say everything, Ryan. Plus, you never talk like that, which is a dead giveaway. What's really going on?" Ryan gathered his things, got up and started walking away from me. I caught up with him to try to talk to him. I stopped him by gently pushing him up against the wall. "You can't keep walking away from your fucking problems and keep bottling them up, Ryan! You've got to talk to people!" I said sharply. I soon regretted talking to him in a sharp tone when I saw a few fresh tears start streaming down his face. I gently asked, "Ryan...I didn't mean to raise my voice. What's wrong?" He slid down to the floor with his back against the wall, crying quietly. I knelt down in front of him to give him a hug. "Ryro....why are you crying? Is it something bad?" He nodded. I comforted him. “What is it, baby…? You can talk to me.”
Ryan said in a quiet, sappy voice, “I-I just had a shitty week, Brendon.” I sat down next to him, pulled him gently into my lap and consoled him. He continued, “My dad...he got drunk again and...and…” I heard him break down, crying harder than he ever has before. Through his tears, he said angrily, “He was saying shit like ‘Oh, you wanna be a rockstar, Ryan? Well, good luck with that. It ain’t happenin’. You should’ve picked something better to do with your time than fucking writin’ in that journal and actin’ like you’re the best thing since sliced bread!’ I took his bottle of Jack, smashed it and ran into my room to lock the door.”
“Ry...why didn’t you call one of us? One of us could have let you stay with us for a while,” I said quietly. I added, “Did your mom ground you or something?”
He said, “Obviously not. She understood. She’s been wanting to do that for so fucking long, you don’t even know...I just don’t want my dad to die on me. I hate his drinking, but I love him.” I let him bury his face in my chest to just let it out. I feel horrible for not being able to help him at times like that...but I know he’ll always find a way to keep himself distracted. Ryan started sobbing harder than I’ve ever heard in my life...he rarely cries like this. I’ve seen him break down in class a few times, but sobbing is a rare thing to hear out of him. I gave him a gentle kiss on his head.
“Just let it out, Ry...it’s okay.” I looked over my shoulder to see Brent and Spencer right next to us. I greeted them. “Hey there, guys.” Spencer looked at Ryan with concern. He asked me:
“Bren, what’s up with Ry? He never acts like this. You didn’t hurt him, did you?”
I sighed. “I didn’t hurt him. He just needed a shoulder to cry on. That’s all.”
*Ryan’s POV*
I can’t believe what the hell I’m doing right now. I’m legitimately sobbing in front of Brendon. I didn’t want him to see me like this. I wanted him to see me happy like he usually does...behind the mask I hide myself with. I hid my face in my arms with tears crashing on the tile floor underneath me, not wanting Brent or Spencer to see me like this. I got up to walk briskly away from them so I could calm down, but Spencer and Brent stopped me from doing so. Spencer asked me, “Ryan, why are you trying to leave?” I didn’t answer him and kept on attempting to get away. “Ryan! You need to talk to us! We’re your friends, man.”
I said quietly without sounding like I was crying, “I’m fine. I don’t need to talk about anything.” I gathered up my things to leave again, but this time Brendon tried to stop me. I felt like screaming, but I tried to keep my cool. “Brendon, stop trying to get answers out of me. I’m fine.” Brent started to shake his head, knowing that I wasn’t fine at all. Spencer grabbed ahold of me, not letting me go, and I almost let out a shrill scream, but I held it back because I didn’t want to get any teachers over here. I begged him, “Let me go, Spencer...please let me go! You’re bringing back a bunch of memories I don’t want to relive!”
“Not until you sit your mangy ass down and actually talk to us about what the fuck is going on!” Spencer said sharply. He snarled. “Can’t keep running away from your problems, Ryan...can’t keep bottling them up. It’s best if you just spill it on the table right now, or else we’re dragging you to your counselor’s office and he’ll make you talk.” He finally let me go so I could sit down with them. I was whimpering from the shock alone. Brendon came over to console me, knowing that I’m freaked out right now. Spencer rarely grabs me like that...unless he’s pissed or he’s extremely worried. Brent and Spencer came down on their knees in front of us. “Now, Ryan...talk.”
Brent said gently, “Spence, give him some time. Don’t force him to talk if he doesn’t want to talk.”
He yelled. “I’m gonna fuckin’ force him if I fuckin’ want, Brent! You just shut your damn mouth! I hate it when you say shit like that!" He added, "Plus, it's obvious that something's up, Ryan. Spit it out!" I really hate it when he starts yelling like this. His yelling made me cry a lot harder and tremble with fear because it reminded me too much of my father’s yelling when he’s had too much to drink. Brent automatically came over to my side, rubbing my back gently. Spencer sighed and rolled his eyes. “Oh, so now you’re gonna go over to his side?”
Brent replied, “Yeah, because you’re yelling and it’s freaking him out. I suggest you stop your yelling right now before he ends up having a full-blown panic attack.” He groaned loudly, but Spencer calmed down a bit anyway. Brent asked me gently, “Ryan...what’s going on, man?” He turned to Brendon, who was just as upset as I was, but he wasn’t bringing on the waterworks just yet. “Bren, what’s up with him?”
“To make a long story short, it’s his dad being an asshole,” Brendon said with a sigh. He told me, “Hey, Ry...you tell him the rest.”
I sighed shakily. “Well...I was just helping my mom with dinner and stuff, right? And my dad was just sitting on the couch like he usually does with his good old friend Jack. I was talking to my mom and letting her know about the events coming up...he just happened to fucking butt in like he usually does. He obviously had too much to drink anyway, and he said things to me like ‘Oh, you wanna be a rockstar, huh? Well, good luck with that. It ain’t happenin’. You should’ve picked something better to do with your time than fucking writin’ in that journal and acting like you’re the best thing since sliced bread!’” I breathed a sob. “I-I didn’t even do anything and he just came out with saying horrible things like that! I don’t go around acting like I’m the shit. I don’t know where he got that from, but I’m truly hurt.”
Spencer said, “Stop listening to him, Ryan. He’s just jealous of you and you know it.”
“But he’s my dad and I love him!” I said in a sappy voice. I started sobbing again. “I-I don’t understand why he says things like that to me when I never did anything wrong.”
Brent added, “Ry, we know you love your dad, but if you truly love him, you’ve gotta talk to him. Don’t just keep allowing him to push you around like that and keep letting him make you upset.” He sighed. "I don't like seeing you break down in sobs, Ryan...you're too adorable to be crying like this. He needs to listen to you and what you have to say." He tried his best to wipe away my tears and console me.
I replied shakily, “I-I’ve tried to explain to him that music isn’t a joke, but he just doesn’t listen to me at all.” I continued, “He then made some comments about me being gay and Brendon being my boyfriend...that is when I fuckin’ lost it. I went up to him, grabbed his bottle of whiskey to smash it, then went upstairs to my room and locked the door. I got so mad, I started crying harder than I ever cried in my life. My mom came up to talk to me...and I told her that I was tired of him not supporting me, so I smashed his bottle of whiskey to prove to him that I’m more important than alcohol. She understood me one hundred percent and she said she wanted to do that so fucking badly, you don’t even know.”
Brendon gasped. “You didn’t...did you?” I nodded. He asked, “Ryan...it wasn’t just the music...it was about us that made you smash it?” I nodded again.
“Yeah...when he started to talk shit about you and me, I lost it. I love you too much to let him talk about you like that, Brendon.” I gave him a watery smile. “I love you, Beeboo.”
“I love you too, Roo,” he replied.
Spencer added shocked, “Whoa. You smashed his bottle of whiskey? Holy shit...you were pissed.” I nodded. He asked me, “So you didn’t get grounded or anything?”
I said, “Nope, but my dad has to go with my mom to watch us perform from now on. She’s tired of him not supporting me.” I wiped away my tears and tried to pull myself together. I let out a shaky sigh. "My only other outlet besides you three I can't even use right now...that's how upset I am." I felt more tears falling, so I buried my face in Brendon's shirt, sobbing gently.
*Spencer's POV*
I feel really shitty right now. I made my own friend cry again...and it's all because I raised my voice at him. I thought, Hey. Maybe you should comfort him too. Let him know you're here for him. I knelt down next to Brent, who was rubbing his back, and I decided to rub his shoulders. Brendon...yeah, obviously he's the one hugging him. I asked gently in Ryan's ear, "Hey...you want me to give you a hug too?" He looked up at me, his face wet with tears. I opened my arms for him. "C'mon, Ryro. You need this. I feel like shit for scaring you...and for your dad treating you like shit." Ryan crawled over to me and I automatically wrapped my arms around him. I stroked his hair, admiring how silky it feels. I said to him, "Ry, when your dad goes on his drunken rant again, just take what he says with a grain of salt. It doesn't matter. He's just jealous of you and what you have to offer. I mean, your voice is amazing, you kick ass at the guitar, your writing is incredible, and the best part? People love it."
Brent added, "Yeah, Ry! A lot of people love your stuff. A huge group of people always want to hear that amazing voice you have. How do I know that? They're always asking about you. They're always saying things like 'Hey, where's that one kid with the bangs and the pageboy hat? The one who carries that guitar around all the time? Yeah, I wanna hear him sing...and play that guitar. He's so good at it. I hope he becomes famous one day...his friends are cool too.' You've got so much going for you, Ry." He placed his hand on Ryan's back. "Just think about the performances and stuff...how kick-ass they always are. You love that...we all love it just as much as you do."
Ryan sighed. "You're right. You guys are so right." He flipped his long bangs out of his face. "I should be more focused on performances than worrying about having to walk on eggshells around my dad." I smiled and gave him a good pat on the back.
"There's that Roo we know!" I said happily. Ryan playfully punched me in the arm. "What?"
Ryan said, "Only Brendon can call me Roo." He smiled as he wiped away his tears. "Just like I'm the only one who can call him Beeboo."
I asked, "How come you've got all these cutesy nicknames for Brendon, Ryan?"
"Because why not? He's got a bunch for me as well. I don't see what the problem is," he replied. I noticed that his tears just wouldn't stop falling. I let him go to Brent so he could get some love from him too. Brendon gave me a look of approval.
"Bren, you don't really need to..." I got cut off by him.
Brendon said, "I'm happy that you said those things to my Roo. He really needed someone to say that to him. Thank you." I noticed that he was about to cry, but he kept the waterworks back. I had to give him a hug too...and I did.
*Brent's POV*
I'm now just holding Ryan in my arms, consoling him. I can relate to him totally about not getting enough support and not being accepted for being different. I feel horrible about it. Why didn't he just call one of us? Oh yeah, he was probably crying so hard that we wouldn't be able to understand what he'd be saying. I told him, "Ryan, everything's going to be okay. You'll get through this." I took his hands and held them in mine. "Just breathe." I noticed he took some attempts to take a few deep breaths, but he ended up gently coughing out sobs. I said quietly, "Okay, Ry...just...just let it out. Cry as much as you need to. Nobody's going to judge you." I wrapped my arms around him, letting him bury his face in my shirt.
Brendon said jokingly, "Roo, are you gonna cry a new lake? C'mon! We love you, babe." He also wrapped his arms around him. I heard Ryan giggling through his tears. Brendon asked, "What's so funny, Roo? Are you just waiting on me to tickle you?" He nodded and Brendon just went after him, tickling his sides. I started giggling too just watching the two of them having fun like that. Ryan started to feel better soon after because I saw that he wasn't crying anymore. It's probably because that's the only thing that would make him feel better is when he's tickled by Brendon.
I asked him, "Are you better now, Ry?" He nodded. I added with a smile, "Good. I'm glad. Say, since we all have an off-period, you guys wanna go somewhere?"
Spencer said, “Let’s just fuckin’ ditch for the rest of the day. I don’t feel like going to my physics class. There’s not much that I’ll miss anyway. It's mostly review from last class."
Ryan giggled. “I feel so bad...like a rebel. I don’t really ditch school often, but this should be fun.”
Brendon added, “Duuuudddeee….we should go practice our stuff.”
“But where would we do that? I don’t think my parents are gonna be cool with it if we practice at my house and they're not home,” Spencer said. He asked Ryan, “Your mom doesn’t care, right?”
Ryan replied, “She doesn’t care if we practice at my house. My dad’s not home anyway. He’ll probably be stumbling in at three in the morning, for all I know.” We went over to Ryan’s house and his mom was home. Ryan said to his mom, “Hi, Mama!”
“You’re home a little early, aren’t you, my little songbird?” she asked him.
Brendon answered, “Yeah...we didn’t feel like going to our last classes for the day. Plus we all have the same off-period, so it kinda works out for us."
She replied, "That's understandable." She turned to Ryan. "Ry-Ry, since your dad's coming home late tonight, you four can go practice whatever you're doing for your show coming up." She muttered, "With my luck, he'll probably be stumbling in at three in the morning."
Spencer said as politely as he could, "Mrs. Ross...you can just lock him out when he comes home drunk like that. Ryan doesn't need to be around him when he's drunk."
I added, "Yeah...Ry was crying the whole time we have for lunch. Hence all of our shirts, his included, are wet with tears." She automatically went over to Ryan and hugged him.
"Oh, my poor little Roo...your father’s going to be dealt with when he gets home and he's sober enough to listen to me," she said to him quietly. He nodded as if to say he understands.
Spencer said again, "Just lock him out. Ryan's just gonna end up crying tonight again anyway. The guy can stay with a friend."
Mrs. Ross sighed. "I know...it makes Ryan cry, seeing his own father like that. He's going to end up dying early if he doesn't handle his drinking now." Ryan came over to give his mom a hug. She gave him a kiss on the cheek, took off his pageboy hat and ruffled his hair. “You boys go practice before your father gets home.”
*Ryan’s POV*
My mom is the best. She was perfectly fine with us ditching our last classes for the day. I rarely ever ditch school, but when I do, I feel amazing. I didn’t even want to go to my science class anyway...I have physics with Spencer. Our teacher’s fucking annoying anyway. She wouldn’t care if we were gone at all. At least I’m not missing my history class. My teacher’s hot. He's got that thick black-brown hair and those gorgeous pure green eyes. Okay, I’m done talking about the class I hate...and the one class I like besides band. I went down to the basement to practice with Brendon and the others. I don’t know why, but I grabbed my notebook that had the song I had written for Brendon and looked over it, debating on whether I should show my friends or not. Brendon looked over at me and asked me, “What’re you doin’, babe?” I don’t know if I should just tell him or just tell a white lie. My mom has always told me that the truth will set you free, so I guess I better tell him.
I said, "Just looking over something I wrote. That's all." Brendon totally bought it. I added, "I don't know if we should play this or not."
"Well, what is it, Roo?" Brendon asked. I just handed him the notebook.
"It's not very obvious at first, but you can probably guess who it's about." Brendon took it gently so he could read it. I said, "There's a certain part in it that always makes me cry...if you read that part, you'll see why." He just looked at it over and over, trying to comprehend what it was saying.
Brendon said quietly, "Whoa. That's deep, Roo. I didn't know you had this in here...is it about one of us or something?"
Spencer chimed in. "I bet it's about you, Brendon." He added, "Besides, I hear Ryan working on it before school all the time."
I replied, "Yeah, Spence. I know you hear me working on it a lot."
"And I hear you break down and cry afterwards. I guess there's some part that really pulls at your heartstrings," he said. He got up from his drum set and went over to us. "Yo, is it okay if I read it after Brendon?" I nodded. Brendon handed the notebook over and Spencer started reading it. He looked at it in confusion before he got to the part I had the most difficult time with. I think he almost started crying. "Ryro...this is really deep, man. You sure you want us to play it? If I wrote something like this, I wouldn't show it to anyone."
Brendon added, "Yeah, Roo. I don't think I want to sing it...I'll basically be stealing what you worked on. I would never take this and make it look like I wrote it." Brent obviously didn't know what was going on because he was trying to tune his bass and test it out.
I replied gently, "I'll sing it. I wrote the damn thing...and I wrote down all the tabs for you guys." I added strongly, "I want to prove to my dad that music's not a fucking joke. I want to prove to him that it's okay to be different...that it's okay to be in love with someone who truly cares about you."
Brent asked, “What’re you guys talkin’ about?”
“Ry’s got a song that we’re gonna work on for the show. You should read the lyrics. They’re deep,” Spencer said to him. He asked me, “Mind if Brent reads it?”
I said, “No. I don’t mind. But don’t be surprised if I start crying onstage.” Brent saw the part that I was implying automatically and he looked at it with wide eyes. He gave it back to me, almost to the point of crying. He told me:
“Dude...that’s fuckin’ deep. I hope you don’t do what you wrote in there for real, Ryro. That’d make us sad.”
I looked at him and replied, “Brent, I’m not going to do that anytime soon. I’m not that crazy.” I gave them copies of their parts...like guitar tabs, bass tabs and drums...you know, that kind of thing. We worked on the song until my mom told us that dinner was ready and that she already called their parents to let them know that they'll be home after dinner. I know Brendon will come back to snuggle with me and make sure I'm safe anyway. I said to my mom, "Thanks, Mama." I kissed her on the cheek. "I'll clean up after they go home for you."
"Oh, Roo. You're such an angel," she said with a smile. My mom added, "Your friends and Brendon are very lucky to have you, songbird." Brendon, Spencer and Brent nodded in agreement.
"I'm lucky to have him as my boyfriend, Mrs. Ross," Brendon said to her. "Ryan's so sweet...so loving...everything about him is perfect. He's the diamond that came from the brick, that's for sure." He came over to hug me and kiss my cheek. Brendon asked my mom, "Mrs. Ross, is it okay if I go up to Ryan's room with him?" She nodded and he took me upstairs to my room.
Brent said, "You're a great woman. I'm gonna go take Spencer home. Thanks for letting us stay for dinner."
"You know you're all welcome here anytime you want. You two get home safe, okay?" she replied. They nodded and left the house. Brendon closed the door and sat down next to me on my bed.
*Brendon's POV*
I took Ryan’s hands and held them in mine as I gave him a gentle kiss. His lips feel so warm...so soft...so plump. They were just begging me to kiss them. He said quietly, "Brendon...thank you so much for coming over to my house with me. It really means a lot." I smiled and stroked his hair lovingly.
"Anytime you need me, I'll always be there for you, Roo. I just didn’t want to see you cry again like you did the whole time at lunch....I felt horrible," I replied. I looked into his eyes, mesmerized by how much pain lies in them. "Behind that smile, I see so much pain...you keep it hidden so nobody would know what kind of bullshit you go through day in and day out. Your dad's jealous of you, Roo...that's why he says things that make you upset. He's reliving his own childhood through you...or at least he's trying to."
Ryan sighed. "I know...I just don’t want anyone else to worry about me. I'm not really in the mood to discuss that homophobic, ignorant, abusive, closed-minded, alcoholic son of a bitch right now. It's just going to piss me off to the point where I start crying again." He looked away and I could tell he was about to cry again.
"Ryan, I'm sorry...I was just trying to explain something to you. I don't want you to hate me for it," I said quietly with tears beginning to fill in my eyes. I held him close to my body, comforting him. He looked up at me, looking like he's about to break down and cry.
"Why would I hate you, Beeboo? I would never hate you," Ryan replied quietly with tears filling in his eyes. "I love you! I love you more than I love myself, Brendon." That was when I saw the tears start falling. He continued, "My self-esteem has plummeted because of him...I just put on the fucking happy mask and act like everything's all peachy keen...the only way I can really express my emotions is through music. It's my only true escape...he just doesn’t get it, Brennie!"
I felt tears roll down my cheeks. "R-Roo...stop allowing your own father to treat you like this! You don't deserve it and neither does your mom!" I wrapped my arms around him and pulled him gently into my lap. I whispered shakily in his ear, "Just please try to stand up for yourself, Ryan. I know you've stood up for us...now you need to stand up for yourself. Show him how strong you are...you don't deserve him pushing you around like that, and you sure as hell don't deserve to break down and cry when nobody's looking every damn chance you get."
"Y-You're right, Brendon...you're so right. I've been pushed around by him for too long...and I've been pushed to my breaking point," he replied shakily. Ryan started sobbing again for the second time today and I feel horrible about the whole thing. I felt him tremble violently in my arms with every sob. I couldn't help myself, and I ended up joining him. He's too cute to be crying like this.
I gently rubbed his back and kissed him on his forehead. "Let it out, baby...cry as much as you want to. Nobody's here to judge you." Ryan started sobbing harder than he did earlier, making me cry harder as well. He lifted up his head to look at me with tears streaming down his face, crashing on the bed. I said to him in a sappy voice, "Roo, I'm sorry...I'm so sorry...I didn't mean to make you cry again."
"I-It's okay, B-Beeboo...I needed to cry anyway," he replied quietly. He added, "I should be apologizing for making you cry, Brendon."
"Ryan...it's not something you should be apologizing for. I'm fine, don't worry. I'm just very empathetic...especially when it comes to you." I pulled him into an embrace, kissing him gently on his lips. He soon returned the favor and it got from kissing to making out. I gently slipped my tongue in his mouth, trying to make him feel better. I placed my hands on his curvy hips and slid them in between his thighs to massage them. After a while, I felt him ooze in his pants from the hot make-out session. I also noticed that he wasn’t crying anymore, and neither was I. I asked him, “You feel better, Roo?”
He nodded. “Much better. Good thing Brent and Spencer left a while ago. I know they wouldn’t care, but still.” Ryan looked down and noticed that his pants were a little sticky, which made him blush. “D….Did I do that, Brendon?”
I smiled. “Just be glad it’s only in front of me. It’s okay. I’m a guy too. Hell, at least it’s not in front of any girls in the classes we all have together.”
“Yeah...I think at least one of them has a crush on me, but they know I’m gay, so they’ll never really have a chance with me.” He hugged me and gave me a kiss on my cheek. “Thank you, Brendon...you make me so happy...my ray of sunshine.”
“And you’re my luminous moonlight, Roo. Day and night go hand in hand like peanut butter and jelly.” He giggled and I messed up his long hair. I added, “You’re the jelly to my peanut butter, RooRoo.” I stayed with him for the rest of the night until he fell asleep in my arms. I whispered in his ear, “Je t’aime, mon petit chouchou. Je t’aimais pour toujours et à jamais. Je t'aime plus que tu le sauras jamais.” He looks so peaceful when he sleeps...I couldn’t help but smile and fall asleep with him in his bed. I think my parents would understand why I didn’t come home until early morning for school the next day. We’ll be practicing that song he wrote until our performance, which is in a few weeks. Plenty of time...maybe Ryan can be more comfortable with it and he can prove his dad wrong. Music’s not a joke, and neither is our love.