Archive of Our Own

0. PROLOGUE

Montréal are tied 3-3 for games, and 2-2 for goals going into overtime in game seven against motherfucking Florida, both teams battling for the Prince of Wales trophy (which no one gave any fucks about), and a spot in the Stanley Cup final (which everyone gave many fucks about). 

Of the ten goals scored in the series so far, Shane has scored eight of them, and assisted on one, no thanks to his team. He's skating with bruises on nearly every inch of his body, a badly sprained wrist, and at least three broken bones, courtesy of the Metro's defence forgetting accidentally-on-purpose to defend him.

He's only told Ilya about the bruises, and only because he can't exactly hide them.

Theriault sends him back onto the ice with an intentionally threatening "you better fucking score, Hollander", and he's off. He's got possession of the puck within seconds, and he's off towards Florida's goal, far outpacing the opposition's new star center, a loud-mouthed, bigoted 19 year old from Russia. He's so far ahead, he almost doesn't hear the slur Komarov spits at him as they race down the ice. Almost.

But he does, and hearing such a vile thing hurled at him in Russian, a language he has long come to associate with everything good in his life, hits him in a way he isn't prepared for.

It hits him at the same moment he darts right to deke around Tulis, an absolute brick wall of a defender. He feels it a second before it happens; a second too late to stop it.

He catches an edge. Trips. Tulis crashes into him from the side, and Shane's vision goes black as he slams face-down onto the ice.

Before he can clear his vision, catch his breath, right himself, he hears the buzzer, the roars of the crowd, the boos of the crowd. He looks up. 3-2. Florida have won. Montréal are out of the playoffs.

An hour later, he's stuck in a wheelchair at HCA Westside, being shuffled from X-Ray to MRI to CT, his list of injuries racking up as he goes. Two broken fingers, three broken ribs, broken wrist, fractured cheekbone, fractured metatarsal, concussion... Some are new, some not so new. It had been a fucking awful post-season.

When the nurse parks him up in a curtained-off cubicle and wanders off to find a doctor, he makes the most of a few moments alone to send a text to his parents (who had been at the game, and are probably somewhere in the hospital) and Ilya (who had been watching from Ottawa with his teammates, and is probably fretting). The nurse returns before he receives any replies.

Shane isn't sure how long it's been when they finally finish prodding him, and move him – in a bed, this time – from the ER into a private room. His left wrist is in a cast, and that same arm in a sling, his shoulder freshly relocated to its socket. His right foot is in a splint and propped up on a pillow. Three fingers on his right hand are splinted and taped together. And he's on some really good drugs.

Which is why it takes him far too long to realize that something is very, very wrong.

His mother fusses over him, asking a million questions and loudly shit-talking Mareks Tulis, while his dad stands by patiently, letting Yuna get it all out of her system. While he waits, he takes charge of updating Ilya and Hayden by sending them both a truly awful photo of Shane in his hospital bed.

It isn't until his mother starts to run out of steam that he finally picks up on the underlying tension in the room; not just from his mom, but also his dad, whose jaw is ticking rhythmically. Despite the floaty, cottony feeling from the pain medications, he feels dread, cold and heavy, seeping into his mind.

"What's wrong?" His first, awful thought is Ilya, and his stomach twists violently. Has something happened to Ilya, he thinks desperately, but he can't force his mouth to shape the words.

Yuna and David share a silent glance, and Shane's stomach lurches.

"What is wrong?" he demands, putting as much strength into his voice as he can muster. He needs to know. He needs to know if Ilya is okay.

"Honey," his mom begins, moving to rest her hand on top of his uninjured one, "one of your teammates…"

In one moment, tension flows out of him: Ilya is okay. In the next, a fresh wave of dread hits him. What the fuck could his teammates have done to make his parents look like this?

"There is a video. Online. Of you coming out to your team." His stomach plummets. "They're saying that's why Montréal lost."

Shane leans over to vomit violently on the floor.

1. CENTAURS SOCIAL MEDIA - How Well Do You Know Each Other Quiz

The camera is in the locker room, showing two stalls, labelled with the names ROZANOV and HOLLANDER. Their identically-colored jerseys are hanging in their respective stalls, turned to show their names and numbers. They hang side-by-side in a mockery of the divisive narrative that's shaped their entire careers.

[TEXT OVERLAY: The Cens' How Well Do You Know Each Other Quiz]
[TEXT OVERLAY: With Captain Ilya Rozanov and New Center Shane Hollander]

[CUT]

Same scene, but this time ROZANOV and HOLLANDER are sitting in their respective stalls. They're both wearing casual athleisure and holding whiteboards.
DROVER [Off Camera]: Welcome to both of you!
BOTH: Hi, Harris.
DROVER [OC]: I'm going to ask you both a series of questions. Write what you think the other player's answer is on your whiteboard and keep it hidden. The other player will verbally give their answer. Then, turn your whiteboard to reveal your guess. The player with the most correct answers wins.
HOLLANDER and ROZANOV shift to face one another, faces lit up with competitive glee.
DROVER [OC]: First question.
HOLLANDER and ROZANOV pop the lids off their pens in sync.
DROVER [OC]: What team was the other player originally drafted to?
HOLLANDER and ROZANOV both scribble their answers as quickly as possible.
BOTH: [shouting] Done!
DROVER [OC]: Guys, it's not a race.
BOTH: [disappointed] Oh.
DROVER [OC]: Roz, what team were you drafted to?
ROZANOV: Boston Bears.
HOLLANDER turns his board around, showing the correct answer.

[SCOREBOARD APPEARS AT THE TOP OF THE SCREEN]
[ROZANOV 0 | HOLLANDER 1]

DROVER [OC]: Hollander, what team were you drafted to?
HOLLANDER: Montréal Metros.
ROZANOV's lip curls in obvious disgust as he turns his board around to show a matching answer.

[ROZANOV 1 | HOLLANDER 1]

DROVER [OC]: What year did the other player first attend All-Stars?
HOLLANDER and ROZANOV both smile and confidently write their answers.
DROVER [OC]: Roz, what year did you first attend All-Stars?
ROZANOV: 2011.
HOLLANDER turns his board around, '2011' written neatly in the center.
DROVER [OC]: Hollander, what year did you first attend All-Stars?
HOLLANDER: 2011.
ROZANOV turns his board around, showing '2011' scrawled across it, surrounded by little stars.
They both grin at each other, then look back towards the camera.

[ROZANOV 2 | HOLLANDER 2]

DROVER [OC]: What year did the other player first win the Stanley Cup?
HOLLANDER and ROZANOV glare competitively at one another before quickly writing their answers.
DROVER [OC]: Roz, what year did you first win the Stanley Cup?
ROZANOV: 2014. I won it first because I am better player.
HOLLANDER snorts incredulously, but turns his board around, showing the correct answer.
DROVER [OC]: Hollander, what year did you first win the Stanley Cup?
HOLLANDER: 2015. And again in 2016 and 2020. Because I am the better player.
ROZANOV rolls his eyes as he turns his board around, showing he has written '2015'.

[ROZANOV 3 | HOLLANDER 3]

DROVER [OC]: I shouldn't be surprised by how easy you're both finding this. Okay, some non-hockey questions, now.
HOLLANDER and ROZANOV share a conspiratorial grin.
DROVER [OC]: Where was the other player born?
ROZANOV and HOLLANDER both smirk confidently as they write their answers.
DROVER [OC]: Hollander, where were you born?
HOLLANDER: Ottawa, Canada.
ROZANOV turns his board around. He's just written 'HERE' with a smiley face.
DROVER [OC]: [sighs] I'll accept that. Roz, where were you born?
ROZANOV: Moscow, Russia.
HOLLANDER turns his board around. 'МOCКBA, РOCCИЯ' is carefully written, with 'MOSCOW, RUSSIA' underneath.
DROVER [OC]: Roz, is that correct in both languages?
ROZANOV: [smiling] Da. Is correct. Good job, Hollander.
HOLLANDER ducks his head and blushes.

[ROZANOV 4 | HOLLANDER 4]

DROVER [OC]: Is the other player a dog person or a cat person?
HOLLANDER and ROZANOV immediately write their answers, HOLLANDER finishing much faster than ROZANOV.
DROVER [OC]: Roz, are you a dog or cat person?
ROZANOV: [grinning] Dogs! I love them. I want five!
HOLLANDER rolls his eyes, but he's smiling. He turns his board around, showing he's written 'DOG'.
HOLLANDER: He literally explodes with happiness when you bring Chiron in.
ROZANOV's face lights up at the mere mention of the team dog.
DROVER [OC]: Hollander, are you a dog or cat person?
HOLLANDER: Um, cat, I guess? l billeted with a family who had sphynxes, once. One of them really liked me, and would lay next to me and purr. It was relaxing.
ROZANOV turns his board around, showing that he has written 'CAT' and drawn a rough sketch of the grumpy cat meme.
ROZANOV: Yes, Hollander is like little kotenok.

[ROZANOV 6 | HOLLANDER 6]

DROVER [OC]: [baffled] Wow, okay. You're both six for six.
DROVER [OC]: What is the other player's favorite movie genre?
HOLLANDER and ROZANOV write their answers without hesitation.
DROVER [OC]: Hollander, what is your favorite movie genre?
HOLLANDER: Documentaries.
ROZANOV: [under his breath] Ugh, so boring, Hollander.
ROZANOV turns his board around, showing 'BORING DOCUMENTARIES' written next to a frowny face.
DROVER [OC]: Roz, what is your favorite movie genre?
ROZANOV: Action.
HOLLANDER rolls his eyes and turns his board around. He has written 'ACTION/STUPID CAR MOVIES'.
ROZANOV's eyes light up.
ROZANOV: Yes! Fast and Furious! Like me, but I am cooler!

[ROZANOV 7 | HOLLANDER 7]

DROVER [OC]: What does the other player always do on their days off?
ROZANOV snorts but tries to muffle it. HOLLANDER glares at ROZANOV, cheeks pink. They both write down answers. ROZANOV seems to change his answer several times.
DROVER [OC]: Roz, what do you do on your days off?
ROZANOV: Beat the other Cens at every XBox game ever invented.
HOLLANDER turns his board around, showing 'VIDEO GAMES' written neatly.
DROVER [OC]: Hollander, what do you do on your days off?
HOLLANDER: Yoga.
ROZANOV turns his board around, showing 'BOYFRIEND YOGA' scrawled messily.

[ROZANOV 8 | HOLLANDER 8]

DROVER [OC]: I only have two more questions. So far it's a tie.
ROZANOV and HOLLANDER both grimace at the prospect.
DROVER [OC]: What stereotypically Canadian thing - other than hockey - does the other player like most?
They share an amused glance, and ROZANOV winks playfully. HOLLANDER blushes and looks away.
They both write down answers. ROZANOV pauses, frowns, then crosses something out.
DROVER [OC]: Hollander, what Canadian thing do you like most?
HOLLANDER: Poutine.
ROZANOV turns his board, showing that he's written 'BEING BORING SAYING SORRY'.
DROVER [OC]: [snickers] You do say sorry a lot.
ROZANOV: What the fuck is poutine?? You are cheating, Hollander!
HOLLANDER rolls his eyes.
DROVER [OC]: Roz, what Canadian thing do you like most?
ROZANOV: [grinning] Boring Canadians.
HOLLANDER glares at ROZANOV. He slowly turns his board around, showing 'MAPLE SYRUP' written neatly.
HOLLANDER: [exasperated] He has it on everything. He even takes a bottle on roadies!
ROZANOV: [shrugs] Is true. I do like maple syrup, but I love boring Canadian. [smirks] Is also more delicious.
HOLLANDER is steadily turning an alarming shade of red.
HOLLANDER: [mutters] Asshole.
ROZANOV grins, unabashed.

[ROZANOV 8 | HOLLANDER 8]

DROVER [OC]: Still tied. Last question. What are the other player's favorite pizza toppings?
HOLLANDER writes his answer quickly. ROZANOV frowns.
ROZANOV: Is unfair, Harris. Hollander does not eat pizza!
HOLLANDER: [offended] Yes, I do! Just not during the season!
ROZANOV: Boring.
HOLLANDER: Asshole.
DROVER [OC]: Okay! Answer time.
ROZANOV frowns petulantly, but writes something on his board.
DROVER [OC]: ROZANOV, favorite pizza toppings?
ROZANOV: Is, ah, lots of meat? And barbeque.
HOLLANDER turns his board around. He has written 'MEAT FEAST'.
DROVER [OC]: Point to Shane. Okay, Hollander, what's yours?
HOLLANDER: Plain or vegetarian.
ROZANOV cheers and reveals his whiteboard, where he has written 'BORING AND HEALTHY'.
DROVER [OC]: Roz, those aren't pizza toppings.
ROZANOV: Is correct though, da? Plain is boring. Vegetables are healthy.
HOLLANDER sighs and drops his head into his hands.

[CUT]

[CENTAURS LOGO OVERLAYED WITH TEXT]
[Text: It has been decided that Rozanov's final answer was not correct.]
[FINAL SCORE: ROZANOV 8 | HOLLANDER 9]

Sports Bros ☑️ @sportsbropodcast
these guys were mortal enemies like a week ago. this is pr bs.

AlphaSport.com ☑️ @alphamale.sports
is this what we're paying hockey players to do now?? getting millions just to play nice with pansy asses like hollander to pander to the woke media. #makesportsmanlyagain

pikes puck bunny @metrosmania35
Did Roz just leak that Hollander has a boyfriend?? #shayden

beat by a @hockeystickgirl
Didn't Hollander only join the Cens last week? How does he know Roz takes maple syrup on roadies??

hollanders ho @montrealgirl24
Roz just constantly insulting Hollander? they took this way too seriously for a silly little social media trend

hollzy @hollanover2481
Rozanov calling Hollander boring… and then saying his favorite thing about Canada is a boring Canadian #noticing #hollanov

2. THE MIC'D UP MATCH

WILSON: Welcome to the Canadian Tyre Center for tonight's coverage of the Ottawa Centaurs versus the New York Admirals. I'm Dan Wilson.

TREMBLAY: And I'm James Tremblay. Now, a few years ago, the outcome of this match up would have been obvious, and the seats would have been half empty.

WILSON: But not tonight! Now, this is just a pre-season game, so expect to see lots of reserve and rookie players on the ice, and coaches trialling new lines and plays.

TREMBLAY: That definitely contributes to the difficulty predicting the outcome, but Ottawa has also signed a slew of new talent in the last couple seasons, and it looks like it's starting to pay off.

WILSON: And back in the studio, we have our panel of experts to tell us more.

LANG: Thanks, Dan. I'm Tyler Lang, and I'm here with former Toronto General Manager, Jean-Claude Fournier; retired New Jersey defenceman, Mike Brophy; and TMZ sports journalist, Brock Anderson.

[all nod and wave as they are introduced]

LANG: Now, before we really get into it, who are you backing to win tonight?

FOURNIER: The Admirals, no contest. The Cens have had a couple of lucky wins, but they're no match for an experienced, reliable team like the Admirals. 

BROPHY: I think it's a battle of technicality versus talent. Not that the Admirals don't have talent – obviously they have some fantastic players, and the team always plays a tight, clean game. But there isn't a single team in the league that can match the Cens for the raw talent on their roster. 

ANDERSON: I couldn't call it. It's luck versus legacy, at the end of the day. And both of these teams are well known outside the hockey world, so there will be a lot of eyes and opinions on the game taught, no matter what the outcome.

LANG: Very interesting. New York certainly have the stronger record overall, but let's discuss the Cens for a minute.

ANDERSON: Well, Tyler, some people are calling this the underdog story of the century. Some big moves, big changes, big names. Others feel Ottawa is being divisive and political, and taking the attention away from hockey. They're certainly setting themselves apart from the remainder of the league, no matter which way you look at it, and it's got a lot of people talking.

FOURNIER: It's clear that the shake up at the very top of the organisation has changed things. The new owners, the new managers - they've taken some very controversial decisions, and only time will tell if their performance last year was the start of a new era, or a one-season fluke.

BROPHY: A change of ownership and a new GM can only do so much. Both of those changed over five years ago for the Cens, but it's only after bringing in a new coach and some great players that things have really turned around, and the biggest driver of that seems to be the more modern approach and culture they're building here.

LANG: This is Brandon Wiebe's second ever season coaching at this level, and he only played one, fairly mediocre season in the NHL himself. Do you think he's qualified to lead a team to the Cup?

FOURNIER: He's certainly an unconventional choice. The organisation took a big risk in hiring him, in my opinion, and it might not pay off, even with their, ah, fortuitous acquisition Hollander. Making it to the post-season last year was impressive, but the real proof will be in their performance this season.

BROPHY: I think the results already speak for themselves. Good coaching isn't just about personal experience on the ice. A good coach establishes the culture of the whole team. He builds trust and support between players on and off the ice. He makes players truly believe that winning is possible. Wiebe is doing that. Players want to play for him, from promising rookies like Haas, to future Hall of Famers, like Rozanov and Hollander. You don't get a team that talented by luck.

LANG: And wasn't that the shock trade of the summer? Rozanov moving to Ottawa two years ago certainly surprised people, but Shane Hollander, franchise player for Montréal, abruptly leaving his team of eleven years to join the Centaurs?

ANDERSON: People are still debating exactly why Rozanov moved; he's never made an official statement about it. But no one could have predicted that he would be joined by his league rival just two years later. And Hollander - statistically the strongest offensive player in the league - took a significant pay cut to do it.

FOURNIER: Signing Hollander certainly fits into the organisation's precedence for making controversial hiring decisions. It's well known that Montréal let him go due to friction in the locker room. And, as you mentioned, Rozanov and Hollander are already well known rivals. Talented? No doubt. But you have to wonder how it all impacts the room; whether they'll be able to tolerate each other, or if that rivalry will spill out onto the ice.

BROPHY: I think people need to realize that what people see from the outside is not who the players are as people. Most of us are professional enough to keep our rivalries on the ice, and those two are absolutely professionals. It's not unbelievable that, after how things ended with his former team, Hollander was drawn by the positive culture of his hometown team, and at this stage in his life, chose compatible values over dollar signs.

LANG: Brophy, you were on their team for the 2017 All-Stars' game. What's your view on the rivalry? Was there tension on the team?

BROPHY: I didn't notice any animosity between Rozanov and Hollander that weekend, on or off the ice. They were competitive, but it certainly didn't negatively affect the team or the game; they were incredible to watch.

[Montage of Hollander-Rozanov highlights from All Stars' 2017]

LANG: Back to you in Ottawa.

WILSON: Thank you, Tyler. We're about five minutes from puck drop, and just as a reminder, four players will be mic'd up this match: Captains Hunter and Rozanov, and rookies Larsson and Haas.

TREMBLAY: Now, Hunter has been through this hundreds of times in his career, but has Rozanov ever been mic'd up for a game before?

WILSON: No, James, he hasn't. He's generally been considered too risky of a personality to be chosen; even Boston steered clear of giving him the mic, usually entrusting it to more predictable, level-headed players like Marleau or Connors. But people have been saying that the move to Ottawa has tamed the former Russian Menace.

TREMBLAY: Well, I guess we're about to find out.

[Camera cuts to the rink to show the players being announced onto the ice. There are cheers for every player, but the roar is near-deafening for Hunter, Hollander, and Rozanov]

WILSON [VO]: Cens aren't putting Rozanov and Hollander on the same line tonight. As with other pre-season games we've seen, the Captain takes first line center, bumping Hollander down to second line.

TREMBLAY [VO]: Can you imagine a team with so much talent that Shane Hollander is relegated to second line? He has been an NHL first line center for nearly a decade.

WILSON [VO]: And it looks like the Admirals are sending Hunter out with two rookies to start. Rozanov has got Barrett, a former Toronto player, on his right. One of their rookies, a first-round draft pick, Friesen, is on his left.

ROZANOV and HUNTER line up across from each other for the puck drop.

ROZANOV: [indistinct] –you are so slow, Hunter.

HUNTER: Am I? I've locked down my boy. I hear you're still stalling.

WILSON [VO]: And Rozanov has the puck!

TREMBLAY [VO]: Some interesting comments from the players, there. As we all know, Scott Hunter got married over the summer. Now, there have been rumors that Rozanov's reasons for moving to Ottawa were personal in nature, but those have never been confirmed–

WILSON [VO]: Pass to Friesen, back to Rozanov… This is a brand new defensive line for the Admirals, and it's clear they're overwhelmed by the speed and power of Ottawa's offensive line. Rozanov to Barrett, back to Rozanov…

TREMBLAY [VO]: And isn't that an unexpected power pairing!

WILSON [VO]: That's a goal for Ottawa! After Bennett's retirement, the Admirals have really struggled to replace him. That puck sailed past their current starting goalie like he was stuck in slow motion.

ROZANOV: YES, BARRETT!!! Let's fucking go!

ROZANOV and BARRETT slam into each other as they celebrate the goal.

CENTAURS' BENCH [HAAS' MIC]: ROZ-A-NOV! ROZ-A-NOV! ROZ-A-NOV!

UNIDENTIFIED CENTAURS PLAYER [HAAS' MIC]: Ugh, why was that so hot?

TREMBLAY [VO]: [laughing] Well, we really do hear all sorts over these mics.

ROZANOV: The dinosaur does not think I am slow now!

HUNTER yanks off his left glove and holds up his ring finger, instead of his middle finger, in ROZANOV's direction.

BARRETT [ROZ'S MIC]: I still can't believe you call him that to his face.

LARSSON: Why does Rozanov call you Dinosaur?

HUNTER: [groans]

VAUGHAN [HUNTER'S MIC]: [laughing]

...

WILSON [VO]: And we've got a line change. Listen to that roar as Hollander gets ready to step onto home ice.

[Cheering of fans and banging of sticks from both benches. Pride flags can be seen throughout the crowd.]

TREMBLAY [VO]: Even the opposition are cheering for Hollander. You don't see that very often.

ROZANOV: One goal to me already. Better catch up, Hollander. 

HOLLANDER [ROZ'S MIC]: Asshole.

ROZANOV: Yes, yes. You love me. I know this.

HOLLANDER [ROZ'S MIC]: Fuck off.

TREMBLAY [VO]: And there's that infamous rivalry!

HOLLANDER skates to center ice with HAAS and LAPOINTE as his wingers.

...

WILSON [VO]: And that's another goal for Ottawa! Rookie Luca Haas, off an assist from Hollander!

TREMBLAY [VO]: And, clearly, the rookie has been learning from the team's vets, because that was an absolutely textbook 'Rozanov'.

HOLLANDER, HAAS, and LAPOINTE are all cheering and hugging.

HAAS: Oh my god! Did you see that?!

LAPOINTE [HAAS' MIC]:  Aah! Fucking beautiful goal, Haasy!

HOLLANDER [HAAS' MIC]: Haasy! Crisse, what a goal!

They skate over to fist bump the team on the bench.

HOLLANDER [HAAS' MIC]: Ilya's going to try to steal you for first line. He can't have you.

HAAS: [laughing] Is this what having divorced parents is like?

...

ROZANOV: Not planning on scoring tonight, Hollander?

HOLLANDER [ROZ'S MIC]: Oh, we both know I'll score, Rozanov.

TREMBLAY [VO]:  Sounds like Roz is just as willing to chirp his own teammates as he is the opposition!

...

WILSON [VO]:  And that's Rozanov with a second goal, bringing the score line to 3-1 to Ottawa.

TREMBLAY [VO]: Both teams have strong offensive lines, but the goalies are the real difference maker here.

ROZANOV and CHOUINARD skate past HUNTER and VAUGHAN.

ROZANOV: Still too slow, Grandpa! Must be hard without your walker!

VAUGHAN laughs.

HUNTER: [sighs] Jesus Christ, Rozanov. I don't know how he puts up with you.

CHOUINARD [ROZ'S MIC]: [laughing] Mon gars, they are as bad as each other!

HUNTER: Well, if any of you want to escape–

ROZANOV: No! We are best team. Gayest team. No one wants to play with Old Man Hunter. 

TREMBLAY [VO]: Huh. Well, I've certainly heard that phrase used in reference to Cens, but...

...

HOLLANDER [ROZ'S MIC]: You're a fucking nightmare.

ROZANOV: Not what you were saying last night, kotik.

...

ROZANOV: [indistinct] –if I score a hat trick, da?

HOLLANDER [ROZ'S MIC]: I will make you walk home, I swear to god, Rozanov.

ROZANOV: Hollander! You wound me! You are saying you do not want me to–

BARRETT [ROZ'S MIC]: You know you're mic'd up, right? Everyone can hear you.

ROZANOV: Yes. Is fun. I entertain the masses even from bench.

BARRETT [ROZ'S MIC]: Not sure entertain is the word I'd use. Traumatize, maybe.

ROZANOV: Hm, no. Entertain is correct word. I should have podcast.

CENTAURS' BENCH [ROZ'S MIC]: No!

ROZANOV: Yes! Is perfect! My podcast will be very– What is the word–

HOLLANDER [ROZ'S MIC]: Inappropriate? Offensive? Obscene?

ROZANOV: Risqué. I will be like Taylor Swift's husband! Only less boring.

HOLMBERG [ROZ'S MIC]: What, the less rich, less famous half of a couple?

ROZANOV: That part is already true, no?

CENTAURS' BENCH [ROZ'S MIC]: [laughing]

TREMBLAY [VO]: For someone who has been notoriously close-lipped about his personal life over the past few years, this mic'd up match is certainly showing us a very different side to the infamous Russian.

WILSON [VO]: A move from hockey to podcasting is certainly an unexpected proposition from thirty year old Stanley Cup winner and league MVP Ilya Rozanov.

TREMBLAY [VO]: Well, it's always good to have your options open. You heard it here first, folks. Maybe one day we really will have a 'Risqué Rozanov' podcast. He's certainly never short of things to say.

...

ROZANOV scores his third goal; hats rain down on the ice as ROZANOV flies across the ice towards the Centaurs' bench, grinning widely. He skids to a stop directly in front of Hollander. 

ROZANOV: That's a hat trick, moy lyubov. Ya vyigral pari. Nadeyus', vy gotovy.

HOLLANDER [ROZ'S MIC]: [scoffs] Ey, idi na khuy!

ROZANOV: [laughing] Zhopa.

WILSON [VO]: Is that Russian? Does Hollander even speak Russian?

OttCens🏆 @ottawinners
Cens win 4-1 against the Admirals!! 🏆

gayest team @cenlgbtaursfan
gayest team, ilya rozanov confirmed! 🏳️‍🌈
🔁 by @ilyarozanov81, @queeraspuck and 1734 others.

hockey husbands @hollroz81
barrett trying to save us but we're exactly where we want to be

i am @straightouttapucks
just bringing this back... 👀 #hollanov

Hollanov Updates @hollanovisreal
10 New Pieces of Evidence that Hollanov is Real - with timeline and reciepts #hollanov

hollzy @hollanover2481
not to be That Guy but where are our russian speaking #hollanov fans at? what did roz and hollzy say?

my admiral @cap21hunter
rozanov is so fucking childish. its pathetic.

Sports Bros ☑️ @sportsbropodcast
New Podcast Episode Available Now

3. UNHINGED POST-GAME PRESSERS

REPORTER: You and Hollander have been competitive since the start of your careers and, historically, you've had no trouble scoring more than Hollander. Do you think being on the same team will change that? 
ROZANOV: Ah, well, now we score with each other.
REPORTER: It's great to hear that you're putting aside the rivalry and working together. Do you and Hollander do anything special together to build that trust and chemistry?
ROZANOV: [grins] Da, we–
HARRIS: Next question, please.

OttCens🏆 @ottawinners
teamwork makes the dream work!

i am @straightouttapucks
sorry did he say they SCORE WITH EACH OTHER?? #hollanov

marleau @bostonbearsbabe
ilya in his humble era??

REPORTER: You are known as someone who can just finish impressively every single time. Would you agree?
ROZANOV: Ah, yes. My boyfriend would agree, and he is usually right, so.
REPORTER: Your, ah, boyfriend is a hockey fan?
ROZANOV: Huh? Oh, yes. That, too.

rozy puck bunny @puckmeilya
is there something in the water in ottawa? another queer cens player??

brad @realhockeyffan
someone needs to put a stop to this.

hollzy @hollanovers2481
GUYS WE ARE SO BACK #hollanov

REPORTER: Who would you say has the better stick handling skills between you and Rozanov?
HOLLANDER: Well, Roz might have more experience, but I'm a quick learner. We've always been very well matched.
REPORTER:  But who would you say is better at it?
HOLLANDER: [glances sideways] Based on stick handling alone? I'd have to say me.
ROZANOV [off camera]: [unintelligible protests]

rozy puck bunny @puckmeilya
is he talking about stick handling🏒 or Stick Handling🍆??

REPORTER: It looked like 24 took a nasty hit against the boards in the third period. How's Hollander's head?
ROZANOV: Exceptional.
REPORTER: ...So he's okay?
ROZANOV: [winks] Much better than okay. Best, even.
Harris covers his face with his hands as Gen hurries to end the press conference.

jenny @hockeymom24
those comments were completely inappropriate. my children watch these games!

i am @straightouttapucks
sooo do we think this was a translation issue, or??

By midnight, the original broadcast clip has been retweeted, shared, screen-recorded, subtitled, and stitched across every social media platform that ever existed. The next morning, Yuna Hollander wakes up to no less than thirty two messages about it. She sends her son-in-law a text telling him to contact Farah (again), and logs out of all her socials for the next week.

rozy puck bunny @puckmeilya
Please no one ever give that man media training.

gayest team @cenlgbtaursfan
did that man just leave a yelp review for his teammate's bj skills?

Best, Even @ShaneHollandersHead
[img: customer satisfaction survey. Header text: "How's Your Head?" || Five stars with 1 labelled as “Concussion” and 5 labelled as “Best, even”]

russian love machine @rararozanov
this reporter has never encountered Rozanov before, has she? [video: Rozanov Interview Innuendos Compilation]

4. HAPPY PALENTINE'S DAY

Despite the three previous attempts to soft launch HollRoz ending in failure, Harris is sure that this post will do it. It's Valentine's Day. It's a video full of couples being coupley. Surely, no one will be able to watch a reel on the most romantic day of the year and brush it off as 'bros being bros'.
At nine AM on February 14th, he presses the post button.

Ottawa Centaurs NHL ☑️ @ottcensofficial
The Cens Love Love! Happy Valentine's Day! 🥰
[video attached]

[CENTAURS LOGO w/ text overlay: The Cens Love Love! Happy Valentine's Day!]

ROZANOV fist bumping every single player off the ice after a match, saying “I love you” to each one.

[CUT]

[MUSIC STARTS - SHORT CLIPS SYNCED TO THE BEAT]

2017 All-Stars 'helmet kiss' fades into more recent video of ROZANOV kissing HOLLANDER on the cheek after scoring a goal for the Centaurs.

[CUT]

A backyard at dusk. BOODRAM and DYKSTRA giving their wives piggybacks; racing against each other across the lawn as HAYES officiates. 

[CUT]

A generic hotel hallway. ROZANOV giving HOLLANDER a piggyback. HOLLANDER is barefoot and appears to be asleep.

[CUT]

A private plane. BARRETT and DROVER asleep under a knitted blanket, heads rested together.

[CUT]

An airport lounge. HOLLANDER reading a hockey book, while ROZANOV is stretched across several chairs, fast asleep, his head in HOLLANDER's lap.

[CUT]

An ice rink. ROZANOV and HOLLANDER (unsuccessfully) attempting the Dirty Dancing lift in full gear. They fall to the ice in a tangle of limbs as the team watches, laughing.

[CUT]

A pool in someone's backyard. CHOUINARD and his wife, Selena, (successfully) attempting the Dirty Dancing lift while various team members cheer them on.

[CUT]

A mini golf course. BOODRAM standing behind his wife, Cassie, his arms around her and chin over her shoulder, as he tries to help her swing the golf club.

[CUT]

The Centaur's locker room. ROZANOV hugging HOLLANDER from behind, chin hooked over his shoulder, while they watch game review on an iPad together.

[END]

russian love machine @rararozanov
lol at holzy and roz proving bros can do anything couples can do

kev @vegashockeyfan
ew what is this gay shit? wtf does this have to do with hockey?

hockey husbands @hollroz81
bringing this back for no reason whatsoever

rozy puck bunny @puckmeilya
the league: these guys are rivals. cens media: but what if they were lovers?

5. MAKING THINGS INSTA-OFFICIAL

Ilya Rozanov ☑️ @ilyarozanov81 is with Shane Hollander ☑️ @shanehollanderhockey24
Location: Lanaudière, Québec
passenger princess 💕
[img: Shane asleep in the passenger seat of a fancy-looking SUV, wearing an oversized navy blue hoodie and satin eyemask]
🔁 by @ottcensofficial, @hollanovisreal and 7391 others

Harris Drover @applefarmboy is with Troy Barrett ☑️ @tbarrett.hockey
Location: Lanaudière, Québec
passenger prince 🍎
[img: Troy asleep in the passenger seat of Harris' truck, wearing a Drover Farms hoodie]
🔁 by @ottcensofficial and 1493 others

Hollanov Updates @hollanovisreal
A visit to Shane's ' fortress of solitude'?
[img: collage of 2 recent posts by @ilyarozanov81 and @applefarmboy]

Yuna Hollander @hollander.yuna is with Shane Hollander ☑️ @shanehollanderhockey24 and Ilya Rozanov ☑️ @ilyarozanov81
Location: Ottawa, Ontario
Hollander family game night 🎲
[img: view from above of a Monopoly board and four pairs of hands on a table]
Comments are limited on this post.

↪️Luca Haas ☑️ @haasyhockey
Is it possible to get an invite to Hollander family game night?

Shane Hollander ☑️ @shanehollanderhockey24
Location: SAP Center, San Jose
Thank you for having us, San Jose! 🏳️‍🌈
[img carousel: the whole Centaurs team with Sharkie, wearing Pride jerseys; face-off between Hollander and Carlevaro, both grinning; Hollander kissing Rozanov's helmet as they celebrate a goal; two Centaurs' fans in the crowd wearing Hollander and Rozanov jerseys and holding up a sign saying 'The Gayest Team in the NHL!'; after game handshakes between the teams, Hollander and Rozanov standing side by side]
Comments are limited on this post.
🔁 by @ottcensofficial, @sanjosesharks, @ilyarozanov81, @ecarlevaro73 and 10,971 others

Shane Hollander ☑️ @shanehollanderhockey24 is with Ilya Rozanov ☑️ @ilyarozanov81
Location: Big Sur, California
When you have a couple of days between games...🌄
[img carousel: two pairs of feet on sun loungers with a view over lush vegetation and out to sea; Ilya standing on the edge of a cliff, silhouetted by a sunset over the ocean; a firepit at dusk; a single plate of dessert with two forks; a patio lit by fairy lights with two silhouettes in the hot tub, steam rising around them]
Comments are limited on this post.

TMZ News ☑️ @tmz.news
Recent social media posts by Shane Hollander and Ilya Rozanov aim to prove that the rivalry is no longer - but is it all for show? Read our new article here.

+1. CENTAUR'S SOCIAL MEDIA (Pt.2: Electric Boogaloo)

Harris has a handful of players that he always has to chase down and blackmail into completing socials videos. Ilya Rozanov has never been one of them, so when only two players have yet to film their 'Day In the Life' videos, seeing that Ilya is one of them comes as a shock. Seeing that the other is Shane, however, is not surprising at all.
He corners them both when they arrive together at the rink, freshly back from a two-week roadie.

"I need both of your videos for socials by the end of the week," he says, without preamble. He's learned that if he starts with the usual pleasantries, Shane will find a way to escape before he reaches the point of the conversation.

Shane freezes. Ilya folds his arms and frowns. “But how can I show anyone a day in my life without showing my reason for living?" he asked, gesturing towards Shane. "Is impossible!”

"Then include him?" Harris suggests, exasperated. He had featured in Troy's video, and the comments had been largely positive.

"I'm not doing two videos," Shane argues. "I'm not being in Ilya's video and filming another one myself. They'll basically be identical."

Given their very different approaches to publicity, Harris doubts very much the videos would be identical, but one video is better than no video.
And that's how The Video That Breaks the Internet, filmed by Ilya and edited by Harris, is posted across all of the Centaurs' official social media channels on a random Thursday in mid-March.

Ottawa Centaurs NHL ☑️ @ottcensofficial
A Day in the Life with Cens Captain Ilya Rozanov (and guests)
[video attached]
🔁 by @ilyarozanov81, @shanehollanderhockey24, @hollander.yuna, @queeraspuck, and 273.2M others.

[TEXT OVERLAY: 06:00AM]
[TEXT OVERLAY: Wake Up with Boyfriend]

The camera is in a dimly lit bedroom, being held in selfie mode by ROZANOV, who is laying in bed, visibly relaxed and sleep rumpled.
The camera tilts down to show HOLLANDER asleep on his chest, face half-hidden against ROZANOV's neck. ROZANOV runs a hand through HOLLANDER's hair, a soft smile on his face.

[CUT]

[TEXT OVERLAY: 06:15AM]
[TEXT OVERLAY: Make Breakfast & Gross Smoothie for Boyfriend]

The camera is in a large, brightly lit kitchen, a blender and chopping board in the middle of the frame.
ROZANOV appears in frame, topless and wearing grey sweatpants. He stands at the kitchen island chopping fruit and placing them into the blender.

[CUT]

The camera is still in the kitchen, but now with the stovetop at center. ROZANOV is wearing an apron which reads 'Kiss the Cook' as he cracks eggs into a frying pan.

[CUT]

[TEXT OVERLAY: 06:45AM]
[TEXT OVERLAY: Wake Up Boyfriend]

The camera is back in the dimly lit bedroom, facing towards the bed.
The camera moves toward the bed, showing HOLLANDER still asleep.

[CUT]

[TEXT OVERLAY: 07:00AM]
[TEXT OVERLAY: Eat Breakfast with Boyfriend]

The camera is back in the large, brightly lit kitchen, showing two stools at the kitchen island.
HOLLANDER sits on one of the stools, drinking a smoothie. ROZANOV walks into frame with two plates of food. He places them down and climbs onto the stool beside HOLLANDER. They lean into each other, shoulders brushing.

[TEXT OVERLAY: 07:30AM]
[TEXT OVERLAY: Watch Boyfriend Do Yoga]

The camera is in a small, softly lit room.
ROZANOV moves into the frame and settles on a yoga mat. His attention is quickly captured by something happening behind the camera.

[TEXT OVERLAY: I watch. Not you.]

ROZANOV winks playfully and waves at the camera.

[CUT]

[TEXT OVERLAY: 08:30AM]
[TEXT OVERLAY: Gym Workout with Boyfriend]

The camera is in the corner of a brightly lit gym which has mirrors down one wall, and floor to ceiling windows on the opposite wall.
Sped-up videos cut together showing HOLLANDER and ROZANOV in workout gear, going through their workout routine. HOLLANDER's butt is covered by a peach emoji any time it is visible on camera.

[CUT]

[TEXT OVERLAY: 10:30AM]
[TEXT OVERLAY: Walk Anya with Boyfriend]

The camera shows a trail through a snowy woodland, as a small brown and white dog runs ahead.
Camera flips to selfie mode; ROZANOV and HOLLANDER walk side by side in jackets, scarves, and Centaurs-branded toques, grinning, cheeks and noses rosy in the cold. ROZANOV presses a kiss to HOLLANDER's cheek.

[CUT]

[TEXT OVERLAY: 12:00PM]
[TEXT OVERLAY: Lunch with Boyfriend]

The camera is back in the large, brightly lit kitchen.
ROZANOV and HOLLANDER sitting at the island, plates of food in front of them. ROZANOV sits sideways on his stool, HOLLANDER's stool pulled between his spread thighs. HOLLANDER is curled into ROZANOV's chest, both of them smiling and talking as they eat. HOLLANDER sips his ginger ale and pretends not to notice as ROZANOV sneaks little pieces of food to Anya, who lays at their feet.

[CUT]

[TEXT OVERLAY: 01:00PM]
[TEXT OVERLAY: None of Your Business with Boyfriend]

The camera is in a hallway, facing an open, wooden door, a glimpse of the bedroom beyond. ROZANOV walks through the doorway and pauses, blocking the view of the room beyond. He turns to face the camera, winks, and closes the door, leaving camera outside the room.

[CUT]

[TEXT OVERLAY: 02:30PM]
[TEXT OVERLAY: Nap Time with Boyfriend]

The camera is inside the bedroom, lit by soft sunlight coming through large windows.
ROZANOV is taking a selfie video as he lays in bed, awake and cosily curled around a peacefully sleeping HOLLANDER.

[CUT]

[TEXT OVERLAY: 04:00PM]
[TEXT OVERLAY: Grocery Shopping with Boyfriend]

The camera shows the interior of a grocery store.
A series of short clips show HOLLANDER carefully selecting fresh produce, and following a handwritten list. ROZANOV repeatedly tries to add in various items that aren't on the list. HOLLANDER bats his hands away, frowning like a grumpy kitten. ROZANOV backs off, only to sneak them in when HOLLANDER's back is turned.

[CUT]

[TEXT OVERLAY: 5:30PM]
[TEXT OVERLAY: Make Dinner for Boyfriend (and Parents)]

The camera is back in the now-familiar kitchen.
ROZANOV and David HOLLANDER stand side-by-side preparing meat and vegetables, while Shane and Yuna HOLLANDER sit at the island, sipping wine.

[CUT]

[TEXT OVERLAY: 06:30PM]
[TEXT OVERLAY: Eat Dinner with Boyfriend (and Parents)]

The camera is in the corner of a warmly lit dining room; a large, rustic, wooden table dominates the space.
ROZANOV and all three HOLLANDERS are seated at the table, with plates of food and glasses of wine in front of each of them, chatting and laughing.

[CUT]

[TEXT OVERLAY: 08:00PM]
[TEXT OVERLAY: Play Uno with Boyfriend (and Parents)]

The same scene, but the plates have been cleared away.
A series of sped-up, cut together clips show various short moments of the four playing Uno, cards being thrown down angrily or triumphantly. ROZANOV wins, all cards played; he kisses Shane on the forehead as he leaves the table.

ROZANOV makes a "shush" motion at the camera as he passes.
The three HOLLANDERS continue playing. Various clips show Shane slumped in his seat, arms crossed, holding a thick wad of cards; Yuna leaning across the table to shout at David, waving the cards in her hand; David on his feet, arms in the air, cheering.

[CUT]

[TEXT OVERLAY: 08:45PM]
[TEXT OVERLAY: Propose to Boyfriend]

The camera is at ground-level, showing a sea of hundreds of tea lights flickering in the dark.
In the background, two shadowy, out-of-focus figures are just vaguely visible.

[CUT]

[TEXT OVERLAY: 10:00PM]
[TEXT OVERLAY: Bedtime with Fiancé]

The camera shows a close-up of two hands, intertwined on top of blue sheets. A gold ring is clearly visible on the ring finger of each hand.

[END]

Ottawa Centaurs NHL ☑️ @ottcensofficial
Congratulations to @ilyarozanov81 and @shanehollanderhockey24 from everyone here at the Cens 🥂
[img: photo of HOLLANDER and ROZANOV with Anya, who is wearing a pink bandana that says 'My Dads are getting Married!']
🔁 by @cliffymarleau, @hpike35, @jjbhockey, @scott.hunter21, and 312.9M others.

AlphaSport.com ☑️ @alphamale.sports
This political nonsense is a distraction from the sport and clearly detrimental to the game.
Sign the petition to remove Hollander and Rozanov from the NHL here.

gay hockey @queeraspuck
Special Edition of the Queer as Puck Podcast tonight at 8pm PDT. #ottcensnhl #hollanderozanov

brad @realhockeyffan
If it's true, I’ll move to Ottawa myself. Sell my big house with a pool in Florida and relocate permanently to that Canadian shithole. And I don’t even have a passport. That's how sure I am that this is bullshit.

Rose Landry ☑️ @rose.j.landry
being your 'beard' has been the role of a lifetime. sad it's over but so happy you can now love your boy openly 💕 @shanehollanderhockey24 @ilyarozanov81
[img: screenshot of Rose Landry's Wikipedia page; “Shane Hollander's Beard, 2016 - 2021” listed as one of her acting roles]

Hollanov Updates @hollanovisreal
Username confirmed as canon ✔️#hollanovisreal #hollanovconfirmed