Work Text:
As the curtains slowly open, the audience waits eagerly, ready to see their favorite musician make a masterpiece. A man in his early to mid 30s walks onto stage, this is Mr. Wood's longtime business partner and best friend. He holds a microphone in his hand near his plump lips and announces to the crowd, "Ladies and Gentlemen, neither, both, or in-between, I am John Cake, and let's all bring a welcome to the stage to…Will Wood!" Upon hearing these words, the crowd abrupts into loud cheers, roaring in excitement. Some audience members begin performing backflips, getting as high as nine feet in the air!
The stage workers finish pulling back the curtains. Will stands next to John Cake and watches in concern as his fans behave abhorrently. Will soon snaps out of it, yelling, “SIT DOWN!!” at the audience as soon as he can. The audience collectively sits while having straight faces. As if nothing happened, he clears his throat, “Hello everyone! As you might've heard, I'll be baking a cake. I've moved on from music to pursue my true destiny as a chef!” He was lying. The whole reason he's doing this is because his music’s flopping… so sad. Will looks John Cake in his honey tinted brown eyes, a look almost pitiful. He whispers, “I don’t know how to bake a cake...” John closes his eyes, silently praying that Will doesn’t fuck this up. This could be the end of his career.
Will glances over at the sink and cringes. There's live, pinching, ruthless crabs. They carry the power of the Anti-Christ. There are also several beaten soda cans. The cans burst open as the crabs pinch them with their sharp and unruly claws. Soda splatters everywhere, every crack, every crevice. It gets on the countertop, the audience, Will, John Cake, and Will’s rats that were also here the entire time. They are just so mysterious, the audience didn't even notice them. They are actually spies for the Russian Government. Don’t tell anyone I told you that. John Cake, who was trying to gather the ingredients for the cake, slips and falls on the spilled soda. The audience bursts into laughter. Will steps in to save John Cake from further humiliation, “uhm…And now, for the commercial break..! Stay tuned to see us make the cake!” Will hurriedly helps the disoriented John Cake up as the curtains close.
Commercial music ensues
“Have you been feeling overwhelming fatigue, back pain, and constant migraines in the lower left of your head? Well, ULTRAKILL has your back!"
The screen fades black.
A woman, seemingly from Yorkshire, appears on screen. Looking quite beat and hair growing thin and grey, she performatively smiles, albeit unconvincingly. “ULTRAKILL truly saved me life. Turned it around, it did. I can now play for hours with me five year old grandson. You know how they are, they never stop.”
The screen now showcases ULTRAKILL’s brightly colored bottle. The phone number flies repeatedly and rapidly across the screen, as always, too fast to see.
Get ready for a life worth living with ULTRAKILL! Side effects may include: Vomiting, nosebleeds, eye bleeds, stroke, genital shrinkage or enlargement, nipple swelling, chronic neck pain, bloody diarrhea, unpredictable and spastic movement of joints, head, and eyes, a painful, agonizing death, and forever entrapment in the lowest level of Hell, where you WILL beg Lucifer (the Ancient One) to let you succumb to nonexistence. Please speak to your doctor if you are pregnant, plan to be pregnant, or have blue eyes before taking ULTRAKILL.
The commercial ends and cuts back to the stage. Will and John Cake stand next to each other, the kitchen is completely spotless. On the countertop in front of them stand many ingredients. This includes sugar, car oil, cat litter, an uncut loaf of grainy bread, flour, gravel, whip cream, three eggs, and salt. Will realizes that something is missing. There's three eggs instead of four. He looks at John Cake, who reciprocates his look, confused. Will notices something in John Cake’s ear. He steps closer to him, almost close enough to be uncomfortable. His tall frame towers over him. Will’s gaze is intense, fiery even. “Dude, you have something in your ear.” He proceeds to stick his fingers in John Cake’s ear, pulling out an egg covered in earwax. Will looks at the egg, disgust written on his features. Though, concern makes its way through, as Will worries for John Cake’s health. He quickly gets over it, reminding himself that he has a show to run. He throws the egg in a comically large metal bowl, the egg making a loud cracking sound as it crashes into the shiny material. Will hastily dumps all the ingredients into the bowl, not bothering to stir it at all. He haphazardly throws the metal bowl into the oven and sets it at 400°.
In around twenty minutes, the cake comes out. It is surprisingly majestic, almost like a wedding cake (even though it was not yet frosted and would never be). Will holds the cake in his hands, tears well up in his eyes at the sheer beauty of it. Good things don't last forever though, John Cake bumps into Will, causing him to drop the cake. The audience gasps in shock as soot and gravel spill out from the ruined remains of the cake. John Cake saved Will's life, the cake was not safe to eat.
Written by Moendolllike & Damien ♡