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“What happened?” It was meant to be an innocuous question. But by the way that Lan Xichen jumped up like a startled dog that someone ran up to slamming together pots and pans after practically falling asleep right across the table from him he wondered if he misspoke. To their right Mingjue was scowling, but that had become something of a reoccurring theme since the fall of the Wen Clan.
At least the man never looked anything other than furious around him. Every time he saw it, the sight became a little more bearable. But this time his anger wasn’t directed him but at one of the few men that seemed to get to see him being soft anymore. “Why did you come on this hunt anyway? I counted at least a dozen times someone had to save you!”
Lan Xichen refused to look at the other man and it filled him with a hint of pity. Not enough to ignore while unsavory Nie Mingjue was entirely correct in his opinion. It had been impossible not to notice how off Lan Xichen had been. His reactions were sluggish, he took at least two bad hits that he should have been able to avoid, and his energy just seemed otherwise lacking.
He could tell by how Lan Xichen limped as they came to the inn that those hits were not simply something to be walked off. But he let the big oaf be the one to point out the obvious. “I’m sorry… it’s just as I believe I told you my brother decided to go into seclusion…”
“And?” Nie Mingjue asked, and when he peered back at Lan Xichen he watched the man slowly take a breath, bow his head. When his head pulled back up he looked on the verge of tears. He thought that their third companion must have missed it, that or he didn’t care, it could have gone either way, “what good is it if he has to come out of seclusion because his brother is dead!?”
Now he was sure Lan Xichen was about to burst into tears. It was clear in how his smile became strained; his eyes started to redden. So he spoke up, “maybe it might a good idea if you retire early for the evening. You don’t seem like you’ve been sleeping well.”
“Maybe that would be for the best.” Lan Xichen agreed, moving to leave. He offered them both a bow before he left. Presumably to go to his room to rest.
He was ultimately unsurprised when a split second later Nie Mingjue rose, offered him no pleasantries then walked out. He knew better than act as if he didn’t know where the hulking man was going and it was not to his room. So he pulled over the jug of liquor he had picked up on their way to the inn and filled his cup. He drank alone as he looked out the window. Night was like a blank beyond the illuminated room and not for the first time he wondered about his own decisions.
He didn’t allow it to last long before he drank another glass before he could put much thought into the new bruises that were most certainly not from the night hunt.
-.-.-.-
“What was that?!” Nie Mingjue was many things but he was neither a fool nor someone to let things simply be when he knew something was wrong. It was a matter of respect that he didn’t say anything in front of anyone else. Hence why he followed Lan Xichen to the room he had rented then laid into him.
He wasn’t surprised when the other refused to look him. The picture of a child being shamed by his elder. It was pathetic to see someone in the same position as him acting like this, especially not when it was the man that held his heart. “I apologize. I have not been sleeping well.”
“That much was obvious. Why?”
Lan Xichen peered up at him for a split second before he watched his partner cross his arms, no it was more like trying to hug himself. He didn’t know what was coming next but he did not expect, “Wangji is gone.”
He blinked, watching Lan Xichen take a step away from him. Turning away from him with his head bowed. Before he could snap at him again the man continued, “he disappeared a week ago. I had hoped he would come home on his own bu-“
“Then why didn’t you go find him?!” He snarled back and it was about then the man grew a backbone.
It was a shame he did it with tears running down his face, “do you think I didn’t want to? Do you think it was my choice to come on this night hunt instead of searching for him!”
“You bend to the will of your uncle!”
“And you ignore every single person that doesn’t fit into your morals the second they disagree with you! You have that luxury, I do not!” Lan Xichen spat right back. It lacked much bite with tears running down his face and the smaller man shaking like a leaf in the wind. But whether it was just the only barb Lan Xichen could think of or he genuinely meant it the barb struck true and he felt his temper flare.
There was a distinct inkling to throw a punch, watch this man bleed, see him hurt. It was a dark, vitriolic feeling. And it caught him off guard.
He shouldn’t want to hurt Lan Xichen like that. Never like that. So he sighed, took a step back, turned around and left. He didn’t stay in the inn, refused to stay in the village. Instead, he went back to the hunting grounds as everyone else seemed to be celebrating a difficult but otherwise successful night hunt. No one noticed him. That or they did and had the sense not to approach.
He didn’t care either way as he made his way back into the woods, there were still many walking corpses still wondering around. He hadn’t bothered with them during the hunt because even a farmer with a stick could take them out but right now he needed something to take his aggression out on. Baxia sang at the promise of more carnage, and he would not deny her.
.-.-.-.
Jin Guangyao had been halfway through his second glass of wine when he heard them arguing. He kept his mouth shut, waited and when there was silence, he wondered if they realized how thin the walls were. There was a hint of pleasure in his belly that he tried to trample down. He didn’t resent Lan Xichen finding happiness in a man that despised his admirer. Lan Xichen was truly the closest thing to a perfect person he could think of; kind, beautiful, regal, always looking for the better in others. It was a shame he was born into a cruel world like the one they lived in.
In a way it made him long to protect the other in a way that Lan Xichen usually did not need. Like in moments like this.
Still this was not his fight, and he knew better than try to involve himself in it so he stayed silent. Drinking and staring at the wall until there was a knock on his door. He peered up considered it for a moment before deciding to get up and answer the door. That brute didn’t know how to knock like a normal person so he was sure he knew who it might be.
He was unsurprised to find himself correct. He didn’t say anything, simply stepped aside and allowed Lan Xichen in. He wouldn’t ask if the other did not seek to tell. And that was how they sat across from each other at the table in silence. He said nothing as he poured another glass of wine for himself, paused then poured one for Lan Xichen.
Nie Mingjue would likely be furious at both of them, mostly him, if he learned that instead of resting his lightweight partner was drinking but he would undoubtedly take the front of that blame for offering it the alcohol in the first place.
Still he slid the cup over and after seeing a moment of hesitation he watched Lan Xichen pick up the cup and slowly empty it. From there he counted back from ten, he reached three before he saw Lan Xichen’s head droop forward. When the man slumped forward he stood up to help ease the other man forward so he could sleep slumped on the table instead of falling face first into it. Once the other was settled he went back to drinking, deciding it was best to cut himself off once his mood finally started to improve and he began to feel rather giddy from the alcohol.
He sat there looking out the window and started yammering, “you know, Zewu-jun… I really envy you.”
No response, he knew he had a few minutes at least before Lan Xichen woke up. Even then nothing he could say would be remembered the next day anyway. So he may as well be alone with a doll that did not have the capacity to care about what he might say.
So he continued.
“You have everything I could want. Family that love you. Value in your clan…” against his better judgement he indulged in one more glass before admitting, “the first man to ever make me feel like a human being all to yourself. You really are fortunate.”
And he was not.
He poured himself another glass, downed it. Then another until he couldn’t even force himself to be miserable. By then he could see Lan Xichen’s beginning to stir. Lan Xichen’s head moving so his chin rested against the table. The hair piece in place but his headband crooked. Even drunk he dared not to fix it. He valued the respect between the two of them and his own life far too much.
“Awake?” He laughed.
Lan Xichen was a cheery drunk. He was always rather amusing in what he did and how he acted. So it was strange to see Lan Xichen’s lip pull up and his eyes begin to water until within a few seconds he burst into tears. Crossing his arms on the table in a way that no self respecting member of the Lan Clan would ever do before he watched the other man bury his face in his arms and sob.
Jin Guangyao didn’t even pretend to not know what was wrong and with the liquor loosening his usually strict adherence to social grace he asked, “is it about your brother? Or Da-Ge?”
Lan Xichen’s head bounced up to stare at him with blood shot eyes, “how did you know?”
He pointed to the wall behind the other man, “the walls are thin.”
Lan Xichen sniffled before burying his face in his arms again. He did get a response, though, “what do I do? I wanted to look for Wangji… no one would let me. Said- said…”
What followed next was impossible to decipher. He wasn’t sure if it was simply the liquor was doing it’s job or if Lan Xichen was truly that inconsolable that anything that he was impossible to understand. He still reached across the table and rubbed the taller man’s shoulder in an attempt to offer some comfort.
“Are you sure he won’t come back?” He asked.
Lan Xichen shook his head but didn’t lift again, “he left a note. Shouldn’t ‘ve told Shufu. He said- he said…”
More incomprehensible blabber. He thought he picked up something that sounded like ‘not coming back’ and ‘let him leave’ and ‘furious’. He only started understanding when Lan Xichen sobbed, “now they’re worried about me producing an heir… I don’ wanna leave Mingy…”
He really shouldn’t laugh. He was by no means a paragon of virtue but even that felt a step too far even drunk. “Mingy’s going to leave me anyway… hate me like he hates you.”
That hurt.
He knew it was true. He knew in Nie Mingjue’s eyes how little he mattered and how unwelcome he had become and Nie Mingjue’s opinion was favorable compared to others. Truly only Lan Xichen really thought highly of him, even Nie Mingjue wanted nothing to do with him. But that still felt like a knife to the heart. His hand on Lan Xichen’s back stiffened. He wondered if he could get away with hurting the other. Just grab him by his hair and slam his head into the table. Lan Xichen wouldn’t remember.
He was so close to doing it before he caught himself. This was his friend… his friend that would remember.
“That’s enough.” He snapped at himself.
Lan Xichen looked up at him. Puffy eyes and flushed cheeks and all, he didn’t feel guilty for the thought but he knew that he might have if he had gone through with it. “I’m sorry.”
He forced a smile, just drunk enough it was probably clearly fake but Lan Xichen was more intoxicated. He probably didn’t even register it was fake, “come on, let’s take you to bed. You need to get some sleep. It’s a long journey back to Cloud Recess and I’m sure you will worry everyone if you collapse from exhaustion on the way back.”
With that he hauled the other one to his feet before dragging Lan Xichen along to his room. He managed to angle the man onto his side on the bed before returning to his own rented room.
As soon as the door shut behind him he sank to the floor. His knees pulling to his chest and arms wrapped around his knees. His forehead rested atop it as he sat there in silence. The walls were thin and he wasn’t drunk enough to not care. So he just sat there and resented the man he called friend for the wonderful life he had.
He didn’t hate Lan Xichen. The man was too pure to hate, at least not for him. But in this moment he genuinely disliked Lan Xichen. So fortunate, fortunate enough to be so grief stricken when something so small goes wrong.
Eventually he pulled himself together enough to climb in bed himself. Even drunk, though, he found himself laying there until the sun came up and he had no excuse to sleep any longer. He sat up in the bed with a pounding headache that was not from the alcohol the night before and rubbing at his wet cheeks. He was fine. He would be fine. He just had to put back on the mask and return home.
Back to that hell hole with Madam Jin undoubtedly waiting for the son that she so endlessly adored and the daughter in law of her dreams now that her son ‘came to his senses’ to not be looking for she could beat him bloody again. He had yet to figure out if she knew he had some involvement in her precious son’s near death or not but regardless of his survival or not her cruelty grew and he simply had to take it.
It was worth it. He’s proven himself his father’s asset. She can’t cast him aside because his usefulness to her husband was too great. The Clan Leader may usually be cowed by his vicious wife but even Jin Guangyao knew that if she dared to try to cast him out she would be putting her own position of power over her husband and the clan in jeopardy.
She wouldn’t do that.
He was sure she wouldn’t.
He hoped she wouldn’t.
So he stood up. Fixed his clothes to make himself presentable, took what was left of his wine with him.
Unsurprisingly, Nie Mingjue was already awake and busy scolding Lan Xichen. He stood there a few seconds before quickly deciding he was not in the mood to be spotted and quickly took his leave in the opposite direction. He had no one come with him so he had no one to worry about waiting for him so it was a simple matter to carefully take an alternate route around the inn then back on track to go back to his home and prison.
Thankfully it seemed his plan worked because either the Lan Clansmen and Nie Clansmen had yet to leave or were already long gone because he found it a rather peaceful walk alone. He considered riding his sword back but decided against it. The past few times he had tried to these past few weeks he had nearly fallen off or vomited on himself. He had come to realize as of late the movement of riding anything had become dizzying and nauseating. He didn’t understand why and didn’t feel up to figuring out why.