Work Text:
Ottawa, Canada
June 2030
Ilya Rozanov had nothing to do with it.
Promise.
He tells Shane the same thing as he tells Svetlana as he tells Hayden and the retired Centaur players group chat (dubbed the "Stabled Ponies", naturally). He had nothing to do mysterious release of years hundreds of pages of emails from the years following Shane's trade to Ottawa. Was he trading screenshots of his favorite ones with Yuna? Sure. Did he send a video of himself preforming a dramatic monologue of some of the more unhinged messages to the group chat? Well, obviously. But that doesn't prove anything.
Really, it's not like Ilya holds a grudge, right?
***
The selection of leaked emails begins with those sent internally just before the Hollander trade to Ottawa was announced. Ilya commended whomever arranged the leak on their sense of timing and how they really set up a narrative of team so convinced their shit didn't stink that they honestly seemed to think they didn't need Shane Motherfucking Hollander.
June 25, 2021
From: PR department
Re: Draft Day Messaging
Key messaging for draft day is focusing on a new, younger Montreal. Themes to highlight across socials and interviews:
- Fresh talent leads to reinvigorated locker room
- Returning players represent traditional hockey values and respect for the game
- Confidence is high for a return to playoff form next year
Limited press availability confirmed. NO GO topics: Shane Hollander, Ilya Rozanov, Shane Hollander & Ilya Rozanov, “Brad”, Commissioner Crowell, and anything related to Pride.
Yuna and Ilya both enjoyed the speed at which the wheels had apparently started coming off that particular wagon for the Metros.
July 14, 2021
From: Socials team
RE: Social media assessment
… early indications suggest social media response is trending negative with regard to S.Hollander situation. Possibility that online response represents younger demographic, who are less likely to be season ticket holders or frequent ticket purchasers. Some loss of ticket interest in under 30 demographic could be offset by older fans with a preference for more traditional image for hockey. Suggestion is to ignore negative comments, maintain pre-planned posting schedule, and continue to archive historical posts referencing S. Hollander.
Ilya and Yuna both knew that David was inherently kinder than the two of them put together. Still, they thought they detected a twinkle in his eyes when they forwarded him some leaks from the accounting department. Who could blame him for getting a petty little thrill out of some loss projections?
October 1, 2021
From: Accounting department
RE: 2021-2022 ticket sales
Per last update, ticket sales continue to be flat overall. Noteworthy decrease (17% compared to year-to-date) in season ticket renewals. Currently only sold out or projected sell out games are against Ottawa Centaurs and New York Admirals. If trends continue, consider discounted pricing model for games currently under 50% sold. See attached spreadsheet for estimates for total net revenue losses for the season if current sales trends hold.
December 15, 2021
From: Accounting department
RE: Mid-season budget projections
… Ticket sales and merchandise sales continue to decline compared to five year average and year-to-date. Food and beverage sales decline commensurate with decline in ticket sales. Entire backstock of S. Hollander merchandise has been sold out. Consider discounting excess inventory of Comeau, Gagnon, and Drapeau jerseys as sales are down +50% compared to previous years. Please note we have, per GM instructions, informed the accounting staff to stop referring to loss statements as the "Hollander effect"
Did some of the leaked documents make Ilya nostalgic for the feeling of his fist meeting the nose of a homophobic asshole? Who can say? It was probably just a coincidence that he lost an entire evening to watching "Worst Hits: Montreal Metros" and "Jacked Up: Everyone Hates the Metros" videos on YouTube the day after the emails dropped.
January 18, 2022
From: Dr. Frank Ustes, Team Physician
RE: Current concerns
General trends: Players continue to report higher levels of in-game injury compared to previous seasons. Noted increase in physicality of play this season, including but not limited to recent games versus Ottawa and Boston, has resulted in a 37% increase in need for dental services and a 43% increase in requests for pain management options. 52% increase in requests for sleep aids. After consulting with medical staff from other teams, these increases are not consistent across the MHL.
P. Drapeau out for next game following puck to throat incident in Ottawa game.
Ilya missed the days when Twitter was still good so, so much. Stupid fucking Elon Musk. He'd spent hours carefully growing his garden of hashtag grudges. Those had been the good old days when trolling was fun. It was nice to see some of his best work memorialized.
Feb. 27, 2022
From: Socials team
RE: Social media reminders
Per the PR and social media team, all players and staff are prohibited from interacting with the following hashtags:
#MontrealSucks
#SucksToSuckMontreal
#WeMissYouShane
#MontrealIsCancelledParty
#ComeBackShane
#EatABagOfDicksMontreal
He'd always wondered how long it took them to realize that they weren't going back to the playoffs for a long, long time. Longer than a year, apparently.
April 14, 2022
From: Accounting department
RE: End of the season budget analysis
… failure to reach play-offs has resulted in a 15% decrease in overall revenue compared to previous years.
Overall decline in revenue over the course of the season indicates key performance metrics for coaching staff were not met, threshold for performance based bonuses not met. Bonus structure will stay in place, with next opportunity for incentives following return to playoffs in 2023. Management optimistic; current year a reset following personnel changes.
Ilya may or may not have reached out to a friend on the San Jose Piranhas who was willing to share addresses. Jacob Faber may or may not have been surprised to get an enormous fruit basket and several containers of salted nuts with no explanation.
July 1, 2022
From: PR department
RE: J. Faber comments
Link to video featuring cellphone footage of a young white male wearing a San Jose Piranhas hat
Video transcript:
(off screen voice) Dude! You’re going to San Jose! Are you psyched?
Faber: For sure! I’m so fucking relieved. What if it had been fucking Montreal? Bullet FUCKING DODGED, man.
(off screen voice): For real. Montreal can eat a bag of salty dicks, fucking homophobes.
Faber: Someone better check on Stewie, man. He looked like he was gonna cry for real.
Proposed media statement:
Montreal is aware of recent comments made by Jacob Faber, who was recently drafted #8 overall by San Jose. We understand that draft night is an exciting and overwhelming time for many young players and can lead to brash statements. We look forward to demonstrating on the ice why so many players in history, including Michael Stewart, the #6 overall draft pick this year, have been excited to play for Montreal.
It was David who shared the screenshots about the Etsy witches to the family group chat, but this was less about his grudge against the Metros than it was to point out to Ilya that he'd been correct in telling him that he wasn't allowed to claim payments to online witches as a business expenses for his Canadian taxes. Did it maybe also give David Hollander a little thrill to see evidence of the fact that Metros were a little terrified of his beloved wife? Well, a gentleman never tells.
September 24, 2022
From: Socials team
RE: Etsy witches
Reminder to players and staff: Our official position is to ignore social media posts related to “Etsy witches”, “Shane Hollander curse”, “Montreal cursed”, and “the wrath of Yuna Hollander.” Please do not engage.
Per the business office: requests for reimbursement for expenses related to engaging the services of any supernatural services, including Etsy witches, for good luck charms and/or cursing breaking will be denied. This is not an allowable expense.
Some of the messages made Ilya sad. Mostly because he couldn't find the address of the focus group participants so he could have sent them fruit baskets too. He loved it when Canadians were snarky.
October 15, 2022
From: Merchandise and Sales team
RE: #24 throwback jersey
Marketing department agrees that a #24 Hollander throwback jersey would likely result in a significant increase in merchandise revenue but recommends not moving forward this season. Focus group participants were not supportive. Representative comments include:
“Wow, thirsty much?”“Is Montreal finally admitting that they fumbled the bag?”
“We want Shane back, not just his jersey. Can you make that happen?”
Perhaps reconsider in 4-5 years, to allow for more nostalgia and less open hostility.
Sometimes it haunted Ilya, the knowledge that even though he was very, very rich, he'd never get the one thing he wanted most. That was, of course, to video of the moment that Theriault got fired. He would have put it on a three hour loop and watched it like one of those fireplace videos at Christmas.
January 23rd, 2023
From: PR department
RE: Messaging regarding termination
Announcement date: January 02, 2023
Time: Noon
Proposed language: The Montreal Metros have released Coach Theriault, effective immediately. The team thanks him for his past success with the team but looks forward to a new coaching vision for the future. Assistant Coach Desjardins will assume head coaching responsibilities until a new coach is hired. As one of the most storied franchises in all of sport, Montreal anticipates significant interest in the head coaching position and plans to announce a hire soon
Feburary 08, 2023
From: Human Resources/GM office
RE: Coaching short list
An update on responses from potential coaches:
- Weatherly (Asst. Coach, Sabres): Declined interview, stated “I’m not interested in taking on a team with culture problems. Y’all need to clean house first.”
- Jorgenson (Head coach, Nomads): Declined interview, stated “Good luck, you’re going to need it”
- Larson (Head coach, U of Minnesota): Declined interview, cited having LGBTQ family member, “they would never forgive me”.
- Johnson (Asst Coach, Stars): Declined interview, stated “Try me again in 10 years, the risk isn’t worth it right now.”
- Wiebe (Head coach, Centaurs): Declined interview, stated “Are you fucking kidding me?”
Given limited interest, recommend considering looking at AHL and NCAA Division II level for possible candidates.
Ilya considered printing some of the emails and making a collage for Hayden. Working title: Sometimes the 15th best player isn't the worst after all. It was a little wordy, he'd have to workshop it a bit.
January 15, 2023
From: League Relations Coordinator
RE: All Star Game
Interest in participating in All Star weekend continues to be low among players. Common concern that Metros players are “less popular than fucking Toronto somehow” and that “everyone just makes fun of us now”.
Recommend sending H. Pike again.
April 30, 2023
From: GM office
RE: Shane Hollander
Per recent discussion related to challenges with head coach hiring process, had confidential conversation with H. Pike to gauge perceptions about S. Hollander’s interest in returning to the Metros. Pike texted Y. Hollander, reports response was just a series of laughing emojis. Recommend not moving forward with return offer, as risk of I.Rozanov keeping it confidential appear low. High risk for reputational damage if bid to have Hollander return are unsuccessful.
He still had that issue of Sports Illustrated somewhere.
September 13, 2023
From: Press Relations Liaison
RE: Pre-season predictions
Looping in PR department. Raising awareness that Sports Illustrated’s pre-season preview issue has Montreal predicted to finish last in the division. Text of article includes this paragraph of concern:
The once mighty Montreal Metros will continue their free fall through the standings. Their post-Hollander era has seen them struggle with a locker room culture described as “toxic”, a crop of rookies who seem to actively be wishing to be on any other team, and the unknown coaching style of the recently hired Mathieu Dodson, most recently of Eastern North Dakota Valley State College. Adding to their woes is the above average injury rate of many of the Metros most experienced players, who continue to seem like a target for some of the heaviest hits of the season. All signs point to this being another long season for the team that once seemed poised to be a dynasty.
Suggest no comment?
Ilya was a man of deep feeling. He liked to think of himself as emotionally complex, even. Someone capable of nuance, empathy, and curiosity about how other people experienced the world. After all these years, he still only needed one feeling for Gilbert Comeau though. "Fuck that guy" counts as a feeling, right?
February 17, 2024
From: Human Resources
RE: Mandatory training
A reminder that all players and coaching staff will have a mandatory media and HR training next Saturday, beginning at 7am. Please feel free to assume that this is, in fact, punishment. Further, it is Comeau’s fault for saying “learn how to take it up the ass” when asked how to get better at hockey by an audience member during the recent “Metros in Middle Schools” community outreach event.
Ilya had gotten a can of crisp Coke and a bowl of popcorn by the time he settled into the 2024 playoffs emails.
March 24, 2024
From: Accounting department
RE: coaching staff expenses
Please note that none of the following items are allowable expenses, so stop asking for reimbursement:
-
Alcohol purchased at Costco for personal use
-
Deposit with the Mother of Sorrows parish for “services up to and including exorcism”
-
Purchase of multiple crystals, 24 bundles of sage, and unspecified “cleansing services” from Astrology by Jan
-
Ottawa Centaurs jerseys
April 10, 2024
From: Facilities staff
RE: End of season cleaning schedule
All lockers will be cleaned out by April 12th, so deep cleaning of locker room and other team facilities can begin as scheduled. It gets earlier every year doesn’t it?
By the June 2024 emails, Ilya was grinning. Whomever this "@rozhollander81" was seemed very funny. And handsome. Probably had an ass that wouldn't quit, maybe a loon tattoo.
June 17th, 2024
From: Socials team
RE: EABOD
Yes, we are aware that a player on the Ottawa Centaurs has taken to replying to all of our social media posts with “EABOD”. We are also aware that fans are speculating that “EABOD” stands for “eat a bag of dicks” and is viewed as being a response to a recent post celebrating the 15th anniversary of the Metros drafting Shane Hollander. We advice players to ignore messages from @rozhollander81 on all platforms. We’re just going to assume he’ll get bored eventually.
Another screen shot for Yuna. Maybe he'd make her scrapbook?
August 19, 2024
From: Ticket Sales and Guest Relations
RE: 2024-2025 projections
Ticket sales continue to be sluggish, with 45% of seats for the home opener still available. Season ticket sales have decreased for the fourth year in a row. Only sold-out games at this time are versus Ottawa Centaurs. Given Centaurs second consecutive Cup win in the 2023-2024 season, interest will be high and all premium ticket packages are sold out as well.
Per management request, offer was made to Y. and D. Hollander for space in premium suite with Metro ownership and other VIPs for all Ottawa games this season and next. Y. Hollander declined offer, stating “Metros can eat a bag of dicks”.
He generally respected Yuna's hustle and keen ability to identify a way to make more money but it was sad that she never launched a t-shirt line. A line of "Yuna Hollander says to eat a bag of dicks" t-shirts would have sold like crazy, he just knew it.
In the battle between Comeau and his hemorrhoids, Ilya was still rooting for the 'roids.
January 18, 2025
From: Dr. Frank Ustes, Team Physician
RE: Comeau update
Staff from CHUM sent update that surgery for G.Comeau was largely successful, though further procedures may be required due to the “frankly unusual size” and the fact that he had multiple internal and external hemorrhoids. He should expect rectal pain, bleeding, and soreness for several weeks.
He is questionable for returning this season and, given age and general health, questionable for being able to pass physical screenings next season. Recommend cut from roster at end of season.
The 2025-2026 emails reminded him that he should send Harris a fruit basket too. Maybe set up a monthly auto delivery? He really had been God's strongest solider during Ilya's peak gremlin years. Reading the emails from the Metro's social team was a good reminder of how tough that job could be, especially when your team sucks donkey balls.
June 9, 2025
From: Socials team
RE: Stanley Cup congratulations
Honestly, we give up.
If we don’t issue a congratulations message, we’ll get flamed by Ottawa fans.
If we do issue a congratulations message, we’ll get flamed by Montreal fans for releasing Hollander.
One of our interns quit this week after #SucksToSuckMontreal was trending again. We don’t have a funny mascot and all the memes about us are mean. What are we even doing here?
There was a list of numbers that Ilya truly didn't know: how many sexual partners had he had? how much of his money did Alexi snort in those early years? how many hotels had fined him for smoking in their rooms? how much money had he spent on getting very real, very heavy trophies made and shipped to Montreal? All questions he was glad on the regular that Shane never asked him.
June 17, 2025
From: GM Office
RE: Trophy
The GM and leadership team would like to remind both the front office and mail room staff to use discretion before delivering packages to the GM’s office. Yes, it was a large trophy, it was engraved, and we understand that it “looked official” but this is the third year in a row that we’ve received the “Could Have Had a Bad Bitch Memorial Trophy" following the last game of the MLH finals.
In the future, before delivering a 120 centimeter trophy to the GM, please asked the following screening questions:
Has the team actually won anything this season?
Have any individual players won anything this season?
Is the package postmarked from Ottawa?
If the answers are “no”, “no”, and “yes”, please forward the package to former head coach Theriault, his address is on file.
Fuck it, Ilya decided Pike was gonna get a fruit basked and Costco sized tub of salted nuts.
July 29, 2025
From: PR department
RE: H. Pike remarks
Flagging for awareness that, as expected, H.Pike announced his retirement via personal social channels this morning. While much of his message was standard retirement boilerplate (thanks to the fans, etc), the posts have gone unexpectedly viral due to the third photo posted, which appears to be a picture of Pike and his family at a lake. In the background of the photo, I. Rozanov is wearing a t-shirt that says “Montreal can eat a bag of dicks”. S.Hollander featured in 14 of the 17 photos posted. Recommend ignoring Rozanov content and issuing standard retirement congratulations message.
July 31, 2025
From: Sales and merchandise department
RE: H. Pike jersey
We’re sold out of all H. Pike jerseys? Do we reorder? First sell out for this jersey.
Yuna's book had been, as predicted, a massive bestseller. She dedicated it to "Her favorite guys: David, the love of her life. Shane, her beloved son who made her proud every day. Ilya, who made their family complete and who they all loved the most." Ilya bought 500 copies and spent months giving them to everyone from the morning crew at McDonald's to the entire staff at Anya's vet office, assuming that they would want to learn more about Anya's grandmother.
February 15, 2027
From: PR department
RE: Y. Hollander book deal
FYI: we are aware of the announcement that Yuna Hollander signed a significant deal for a forthcoming non-fiction work that is described as “part memoir, part guide to negotiation and deal making” as well as serving as an executive producer for a limited documentary series chronicling the careers of I. Rozanov and S. Hollander. We’ve requested an advanced copy of the book and to preview documentary footage prior to release.
Requests were denied. Scheduled release date for the book: May 10, 2026 (Mother’s Day). We should assume any mentions of the Metro's organization will not be flattering and prepare appropriate repsonses.
May 11, 2027
From: PR Department
RE: Employment status.
We quit. All of us. Good fucking luck.
2027 was, in hindsight, a good year. The Centaurs won their fourth Cup in five years, which meant that Shane officially had more Cup wins (and MVP trophies) with Ottawa than he did with Montreal. Ilya had barely noticed it, really. He'd been super chill. Breezy even. It wasn't like he held a grudge.
June 18, 2027
From: GM office
RE: Trophy
PLEASE REFER TO THE INSTRUCTIONS GIVEN TWO YEARS AGO REGARDING DELIVERY OF THE “COULD HAVE HAD A BAD BITCH MEMORIAL TROPHY”.
We’ve destroyed the trophy each of the previous times it has been delivered but apparently he keeps getting new ones made and updating the engraving to reflect the most recent year. Will refer to general counsel office to see if this constitutes harassment.
August 8, 2027
From: IT Department
RE: Data breach
Incident report: IT became aware of targeted system breech, likely Russian hackers. Only data that appears to have been compromised was home address data for coaches and team members for the 2020-2021 season. Have followed standard protocol and issued data breach notifications to affected players and staff.
Huh? Russian hackers? Interesting. Not at all relevant to Ilya. Just, you know, interesting.
August 10, 2027
From: HR
RE: T-shirts
Several former players have reached out to report receiving suspicious packages in the mail. Those who have opened the packages all report that they contain t-shirts that say “Fumbled The Bag” and have a picture of Shane Hollander on the front and the words “Ottawa Dynasty" on the back with the dates of their four Stanley Cup wins on the back. Comeau reported that his box also included several tubes of hemorrhoid cream and some fiber supplements, all expired.
Referred matter to MLH Commissioner’s Office. Asst. Commissioner Vetrova responded that this was not a matter that required league attention and to “suck it up and hope he finds another hobby in retirement.”
Ilya had many hopes. He hoped for his children to be healthy and happy. He hoped that Shane would somehow be able to keep a bubble ass, even though he was retired now. He hoped Yuna and David and Anya and everyone he loved could live forever. He also hoped that, somehow, everyone who harbored a righteous rage or virtuous vendetta would to have the gift the last email in the leak gave him: documented proof of the moment his enemy's spirit at been well and truly broken.
July 1, 2028
From: GM office
RE: Hollander
Spoke with new PR Director about the Hollander retirement announcement. Suggested we consider some kind of recognition event, do something to put an end to all the drama and nonsense about the “Hollander curse”. PR reached out but stated that Hollander declined offer and instructed us to “eat a bag of dicks”.
I give up. I quit. We're never going to make it back to the playoffs.
***
Yuna Hollander watched as Ilya scanned the last of the leaked emails.
The final messages had dropped just before their usual Sunday dinner, just as she'd planned.
She watched Ilya's face, the grin that started small and then lit up his face like sunshine.
There was just something so satisfying about a job well done.