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Montreal Coulda Had a Bad Bitch by OpenWaterMN
Fandoms: Heated Rivalry (TV), Game Changers | Heated Rivalry - All Media Types
05 Aug 2026
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Summary
Internal emails from the Montreal Metros leak and Ilya Rozanov has never been more delighted. We love a petty king.
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July 1, 2022
From: PR department
RE: J. Faber commentsLink to video featuring cellphone footage of a young white male wearing a San Jose Piranhas hat
Video transcript:
(off screen voice) Dude! You’re going to San Jose! Are you psyched?
Faber: For sure! I’m so fucking relieved. What if it had been fucking Montreal? Bullet FUCKING DODGED, man.
(off screen voice): For real. Montreal can eat a bag of salty dicks, fucking homophobes.
Faber: Someone better check on Stewie, man. He looked like he was gonna cry for real.
.April 30, 2023
From: GM office
RE: Shane HollanderPer recent discussion related to challenges with head coach hiring process, had confidential conversation with H. Pike to gauge perceptions about S. Hollander’s interest in returning to the Metros. Pike texted Y. Hollander, reports response was just a series of laughing emojis. Recommend not moving forward with return offer, as risk of I.Rozanov keeping it confidential appear low. High risk for reputational damage if bid to have Hollander return are unsuccessful.
.June 17, 2025
From: GM Office
RE: TrophyThe GM and leadership team would like to remind both the front office and mail room staff to use discretion before delivering packages to the GM’s office. Yes, it was a large trophy, it was engraved, and we understand that it “looked official” but this is the third year in a row that we’ve received the “Could Have Had a Bad Bitch Memorial Trophy" following the last game of the MLH finals.
In the future, before delivering a 120 centimeter trophy to the GM, please asked the following screening questions:
Has the team actually won anything this season?
Have any individual players won anything this season?
Is the package postmarked from Ottawa?
If the answers are “no”, “no”, and “yes”, please forward the package to former head coach Theriault, his address is on file.
.Fuck it, Ilya decided Pike was gonna get a fruit basked and Costco sized tub of salted nuts.
July 29, 2025
From: PR department
RE: H. Pike remarksFlagging for awareness that, as expected, H.Pike announced his retirement via personal social channels this morning. While much of his message was standard retirement boilerplate (thanks to the fans, etc), the posts have gone unexpectedly viral due to the third photo posted, which appears to be a picture of Pike and his family at a lake. In the background of the photo, I. Rozanov is wearing a t-shirt that says “Montreal can eat a bag of dicks”. S.Hollander featured in 14 of the 17 photos posted. Recommend ignoring Rozanov content and issuing standard retirement congratulations message.
July 31, 2025
From: Sales and merchandise department
RE: H. Pike jerseyWe’re sold out of all H. Pike jerseys? Do we reorder? First sell out for this jersey.
.2027 was, in hindsight, a good year. The Centaurs won their fourth Cup in five years, which meant that Shane officially had more Cup wins (and MVP trophies) with Ottawa than he did with Montreal. Ilya had barely noticed it, really. He'd been super chill. Breezy even. It wasn't like he held a grudge.
June 18, 2027
From: GM office
RE: TrophyPLEASE REFER TO THE INSTRUCTIONS GIVEN TWO YEARS AGO REGARDING DELIVERY OF THE “COULD HAVE HAD A BAD BITCH MEMORIAL TROPHY”.
We’ve destroyed the trophy each of the previous times it has been delivered but apparently he keeps getting new ones made and updating the engraving to reflect the most recent year. Will refer to general counsel office to see if this constitutes harassment.
.Ilya had many hopes. He hoped for his children to be healthy and happy. He hoped that Shane would somehow be able to keep a bubble ass, even though he was retired now. He hoped Yuna and David and Anya and everyone he loved could live forever.
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