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Shane stared at himself in the mirror, fighting down the brewing nausea. He wanted to do this for Ilya. He wanted to support him and meet his friends, even if only as a friend himself. They could get through this.
He smoothed his hair back for the hundredth time and debated changing again but as soon as he moved to pull his jacket off, Ilya grabbed his hand to stop him.
“Don’t even think about it, Hollander. You look perfect.” He lightly slapped Shane’s ass with a smile. “Ready?”
“I guess,” he whispered, the voice in his head growing louder with doubt. Ilya could sense his unease and wrapped his arms around him, wresting his chin on Shane’s shoulder and meeting his eyes in the mirror.
“Thank you for doing this. I know it’s scary.”
Shane nodded and chewed on his lip. What if people could see through their excuses? He promised to go as Ilya’s friend but he wasn’t sure he could look at Ilya without giving away his true feelings. Maybe his friends would assume Shane had unrequited feelings for their captain, but then again, Hayden had commented on Ilya’s heart eyes…
“Shane, you do not have to do this if you don’t want to.”
Shane knew he meant it. He would let Shane skip the party, no questions asked and they could continue on like they had been for years. No real forward momentum, no direction, just unending secrecy and purgatory.
Shane didn’t miss the disappointment lingering in Ilya’s tone, though, and as soon as Ilya’s arms loosened to pull away, Shane knew he couldn’t—wouldn’t—let Ilya down. He knew how important this was to his boyfriend.
“No, I want to,” he said, confidently. The waver in his voice was barely there.
Ilya looked skeptical. “If you are sure.”
“About you, I am,” Shane smiled, meeting Ilya’s eyes in the mirror. “Always.”
*
Shane watched as Ilya existed alongside these people, the people in his life that meant the most to him. The young rookies who looked up to Ilya for advice and mentorship and the seasoned teammates who fought playfully with him like he was their brother.
Shane remembered Ilya telling him about how supportive he’d been to Troy Barrett as he came to terms with his sexuality and sharing his own story. How Troy had all but guessed their relationship by simply learning a small truth about Ilya.
His heart squeezed tightly in his chest. They would all figure it out, if Ilya was honest. If Shane had let Ilya be honest. The thought churned his stomach, but not for himself. For Ilya.
Before he could work himself up, he charged over to Ilya, who was play wrestling with Wyatt Hayes and losing.
“Ilya,” he murmured, his voice wavering and his throat closing. Ilya looked up at him from where he was in a headlock at Wyatt’s side and his playful expression turned serious. Wyatt sensed the change too and released him.
“Shane? What is it?” Ilya asked, his brow furrowed with concern. Shane’s breathing was speeding up as Ilya pulled him away from the crowd of people around the blazing fire pit. The winter cold nipped at them the further they moved away, but it soothed the overwhelming warmth crawling up his neck. “Are you okay?”
Shane shook his head and looked around at the small crowd. Wyatt and Luca glanced their way but the rest of the team was too drunk or otherwise occupied to notice their departure.
“I can’t do this, Ilya. I can’t—“
“Hey, hey,” Ilya soothed, his hands moving to grab Shane but thinking better of it. “We’re okay here. We are friends. Nobody knows, solnyshko.”
“No, that’s not… fuck,” he scoffed, angry at himself for hurting the man he loved most in the world. “I don’t want to hold you back from being honest with the people you love. You deserve what they have,” he pointed at the group, where several of Ilya’s teammates were cuddled up next to their significant others, namely Troy and Harris who were smiling brightly at each other and clinking their cider bottles together.
“Shane, you don’t need to do this. I am happy that you are here. You’ve already done more than I should have asked of you.”
“But would you be happier if I kissed you, right now in front of everyone? If we told everyone what we really mean to each other?” He knew the answer but Ilya looked conflicted. He glanced over his shoulder at his friends and bit his lip.
“I want you to be comfortable.” And that was the issue, right? Shane had been valuing his own comfort over Ilya’s happiness. He had let Ilya introduce them as friends, colleagues, as if Ilya Rozanov wasn’t his entire world.
Shane grabbed Ilya’s hands in his and smiled. “I’m not ready to tell the entire world, but if we’re safe here…”
“We are, Shane, I promise.” The sudden desperation in Ilya’s tone seeped through. Shane could feel how badly he wanted this. And he wanted to give it to him. He would give Ilya anything.
“Okay,” Shane whispered.
There were tears pooling in Ilya’s eyes as he squeezed Shane’s hands tightly. “Okay?”
Shane raised Ilya’s hand to his lips and brushed a soft kiss along his knuckles then turned Ilya’s wrist over, buried his nose in the sensitive skin and inhaled deeply. The musky scent of Ilya’s cologne washed over him and he felt every tense muscle in his body relax. They could do this. With Ilya by his side, they could do anything.
When he opened his eyes, he noticed several curious stares over Ilya’s shoulder. The raucous laughter and chattering had died down as more people noticed their proximity. “We have an audience,” Shane chuckled.
“Then let’s give them a show,” Ilya purred, his eyes glazed over with lust and love and everything in between as he stared deeply into Shane’s eyes.
He didn’t waste any more time. They had wasted enough. Shane buried a fist in the hair at the nape of Ilya’s neck and tugged, their lips and bodies crashing together. Ilya’s arms wrapped tightly around his waist, bending him into a slight dip as his tongue licked into Shane’s mouth.
Shane was so love-drunk on his man that he almost missed the hollering coming from the group around the fire pit. He felt Ilya smile against his lips as he pressed deeper into Shane’s space as if he were trying to meld into one being.
When Ilya pulled away, Shane was breathless and disheveled. “Wow.”
“Yeah,” Ilya giggled, just as out of breath. “I love you.”
“Ya tebya lyublyu.”
“Hm. Your pronunciation still needs a little work, moy lyubimyy,” Ilya joked, smacking his hip with a wink. “Come on.”
Ilya twined their fingers together as he finally turned around to face the music. The music made of cat calls and wolf whistles and stuttering gasps of astonishment. The cacophony only grew the closer they got to the group.
“Everybody listen the fuck up,” Ilya shouted with a smirk as he eyed his team and their partners. Shane could feel the adoration oozing from his own gaze as he watched Ilya wait for his friends to calm down. Ever the patient captain. “I’m only going to say this once.”
The group was sat, physically and metaphorically, as they all waited with bated breath for some semblance of an explanation.
“There is something I have been wanting to tell you all,” Ilya started, making eye contact with everyone around the fire. The warm glow softened their faces, making the situation feel slightly less intimidating. Shane rubbed his thumb along Ilya’s knuckles. “I am bisexual.”
Shane snorted.
“You’re kinda burying the lede here, dude,” Dykstra commented, his eyes darting between Shane and Ilya.
Ilya sighed dramatically and kicked a small chunk of ice with his shoe. Shane knew he was loving this. “Okay, fine. I am bisexual and I am in love with Shane Hollander. Discuss.” With a flourish of his free hand, the group started shouting again.
“I fucking knew it,” Troy started, pumping his fist in the air, followed by different versions of the same questions.
How long?
When did you start dating?
How did this happen?
“In love? With Shane Hollander,” this one was Luca Haas, who had only just picked his jaw up off the floor after meeting Shane for the first time. “This is so fucking cool.”
It was scary, thinking about the million and one questions the group would have for them, but as soon as they sat down, Ilya pulled Shane halfway into his lap and slung an arm around his shoulders with a goofy smile. Shane had never felt lighter.