Archive of Our Own

Paul has known Ryland for quite a few months now.

They had met at the beginning of the school year, Ryland was a new teacher and naturally Paul took it upon himself to help the guy out with getting familiar with the place.

His first impression of Ryland was that he might be the sweetest person he’s ever met.

Paul’s not kidding.

He was kind, patient with the kids, soft-spoken and honestly looked like a teddy bear, with his fluffy hair and general cuddly aura.

That impression was quickly erased once Paul caught Ryland bitching about some science paper that apparently “didn’t even follow the basic rules of gravity”. Whatever that means.

There were very ugly words thrown at that poor paper sheet, Paul’s not sure he wants to repeat them.

Anyway, Ryland’s kind, patient with the kids, yadadi yadada but he’s also an asshole when he wants to be and, more importantly: he’s very secretive.

The only few things Paul knew about him is that he’s got a twin brother who works for the movies (Myriam and Lila - an English and a History teacher that he likes to hang out with - definitely freaked out about that) and that he moved to LA because he wanted to be closer to his family. ‘Family’ meaning his brother, Paul thinks.

And that’s pretty much it.

Sure, Paul knows about his hobbies or stuff he likes or don’t like, but about his life ? Nothing. It’s like the guy’s hiding something. In fact, he’s definitely hiding something.

But hey, Paul’s not really the gossip type. He understands some people like to stay vague about themselves until they’re confident about the fact that you’re a good person. Really he gets it, he used to be like that just a few years ago.

The same could not be said about two certain teachers-

“Hey, P, you listening ?”

Paul is pulled out of his thoughts by Myriam shaking him by the shoulder - a bit too harshly.

“Sorry, what ?,” he says, taking a sip of his soon-to-be-cold coffee. Damn it, he hates when his coffee’s cold.

Myriam, Lila and him are currently sitting in a coffee shop, near the school. It’s cosy, has actual great coffee and is one of the very few establishments that has A/C, so it quickly became their rendez-vous point back when they first met. Especially since Paul is from Wisconsin and has had a hard time getting used to the never ending heat in LA.

Now it’s 3 years later and it’s still their favorite place to be.

They go there almost every day, during lunch time, and talk about the same things over and over, but somehow they never get tired of it.

Even the workers know their orders by heart, and they never fail to ask them about their lives.

Anyway, this is a great coffee shop.

“I said,” Myriam repeats, talking slowly like Paul’s some kind of moron, “that I think I’ve figured out the secret of little Ryland Grace,” she wriggles her eyebrows.

Paul can’t help but be sceptical. With Myriam, it can go from “I think he’s hiding a mountain of PHDs and he just doesn't want to look like a self-centered asshole” to “I think he’s a serial killer, and you’re his next victim, P !”.

Lila groans, leaning back to rest on the back of her chair.

“I told you this, M, your theory’s ridiculous !”

“No, it’s not ! I’ve got proof, actually,” Myriam answered. Yet she doesn’t pull out anything, almost like she doesn’t have any proof.

“Oh really ? Come on, hit me,” Lila retorts, a challenging glint in her eyes.

“Ladies, please,” Paul intervenes, pulling his hands up in surrender, “Can somebody fill me up on the details ? I’ve missed a few episodes here.”

Myriam shifts in her seat, now facing Paul.

“Alright hear me out. What if- hear me out,” she lifts her index, “What if…Ryland’s twin doesn’t exist at all?”

Paul blinks. That’s it ? That’s her theory ?

“Wha-”

Before he could ask if she’s gone insane, Lila speaks up.

“Basically she thinks his brother doesn’t exist and he’s actually the one doing all those stunts in the movies.”

By the loud noise from under the table, Paul guesses Myriam kicked Lila over spoiling everything.

“What ?,” Paul repeats, because, really ?, “Myriam, that doesn’t make sense. How could he be at two places at the same time ? I mean, he has classes. Every day. When do you want him to work in those movies ?”

Myriam sputters, and Lila nods to herself, pulling out her phone and probably swiping on Tiktok.

She’s 36 yet she’s just as obsessed with social media as a teenager, it’s crazy.

Also, Lila doesn’t really like to take part in anything. She’s just there, agreeing with both parties.

Myriam thinks it’s annoying, Paul thinks it’s very wise of her.

“Like I said, I’ve got proof,” Myriam crosses her arms.

“Okay ? Which is…?”

“Well,” she clears her throat, “First, he’s very secretive about his life. You can’t tell me you didn’t notice that.”

She looks at the both of them, Paul nods while Lila gives her a thumbs up.

“Okay, then there’s the fact that sometimes there’s a car waiting for him at the school gates.”

“What does a car have to do with anything ? He could just be taken home by someone,” Lila asks.

“And by who, mh ?,” Myriam raises her eyebrow, like the answer is obvious.

“Well, I don’t know,” Paul says, because maybe it’s not her obvious answer, but it is one, “his brother, maybe ?”.

Myriam sinks in her seat, looking like a petulant child who didn’t get ice cream.

“You guys are no fun, I hate you.”

“Oh come on, M,” Lila coos, reaching over the table to pat her hand.

“You got any more proof ?,” Paul asks, downing his coffee before it gets completely cold.

“Well, there's the fact that we never actually saw his brother. And like I was going to say, maybe the person in the car's actually his manager."

"That's not proof, M, that's just speculation," Lila tells her.

"Okay, well, I don't have anything else so..."

Lila lets out a ‘woah’ while Paul’s busy trying to stay alive after choking on his coffee.

“You got one and a half arguments and you make a theory about it ? You know, some historians would kill you for doing that,” Lila says, looking genuinely impressed by Myriam’s eagerness to make gossip.

“Come one, you can’t tell me the guy doesn’t intrigue you at all ?,” Myriam presses on.

“Sure but-,” Paul coughed one last time, thankfully he’s still alive, “He’s allowed to have a private life. As long as he’s no danger to the kids, who are we to pry into his life ?”

“Amen to that,” Lila lifts her glass of water and drinks it. She doesn’t drink anything but water, which is impressive, but also pretty terrifying. Because who only drinks water ?

“Damn you. You’re supposed to teach sports, not philosophy, why are you so wise ?,” Myriam whines.

“Perks of being the youngest, I guess. I’ve got a fresh view of things compared to you two” he shrugs, entirely too aware of how much of a jerk he’s being.

He earns some nice words that would make a priest pass out.

Good grief, wash your mouths with soap, old ladies.

Later, when they’re on the short walk back to the school, Myriam tells them:

“I swear I’m gonna find so many clues about this guy’s double life that you’ll never doubt me again !”

Both Lila and Paul nodded, already knowing that the day she’ll be right about one of her theories will never come.

But still, there’s no harm in letting her hope for a while. As long as this Mr. Grace doesn’t notice and takes offense in that.

——————————————————————————

Two weeks later, Myriam still hasn’t got any new information.

She’s an English teacher, not a detective, so it’s not surprising.

Still, Paul found himself growing close to Ryland over those last two weeks.

Sure, they were something close to friends ever since the beginning of the school year, but his talk with Myriam ignited a genuine curiosity about the guy.

Paul found out that he almost never closes his door during breaks, so it’s pretty easy to come over to talk to him.

Also, like Paul mentioned before, he’s a really sweet guy.

When he asked Ryland about why he never closed his door, even during lunch breaks, he said:

“I know what it’s like spending lunch break alone. So if I leave the door open, the kids can get in and either spend the break with me, or make new friends with those who are already there. It’s a win-win situation, isn’t it ?”

See ? The sweetest guy there is.

Also they surprisingly have a lot in common. You would think a PE teacher and a science teacher can’t get along but you’d be wrong. Turns out they both love the same things, and have similar ways of seeing the world.

Paul loves Myriam and Lila, but there’s a certain excitement in finding someone that matches your thinking.

Anyway, Paul likes to think that he and Ryland are friends, and he’s seriously considering asking him if he wants to hang out with him and the girls during lunch break.

One day, Paul was in Ryland’s classroom, just talking about the school system, when Ryland’s phone rang, ‘Dancing Queen’ by ABBA completely breaking Paul’s monologue about how the system often fails kids with difficulties in life.

Very much not the kind of song adapted for this kind of talk.

Ryland had flinched and barely caught his mug that fell out of his hands, blushing furiously and apologizing about his sound being on.

“It’s fine, don’t worry about it. It’s a nice song,” Paul had said with a smile, unsure on whether it was appropriate to laugh or not.

“Yeah, sorry,” Ryland repeated, pocketing his phone.

“Who was it ? Something important ?,” Paul picked up a pen that was left on Ryland's desk, playing innocent. He’s curious, but not in the gossip way, okay ?

Surely if it was his brother he’d know to not call when Ryland’s in class. Sure, it’s lunch break, but still.

Also Paul doubts anyone sets up a ringtone such as this for when their sibling calls.

“Uh, it’s no one, don’t worry about it,” Ryland had answered.

Definitely not his brother then, or else he would’ve just said it.

“Oh come on, is that a girlfriend ? Boyfriend maybe?,” he wriggles his eyebrow entirely too similarly to how Myriam does it.

Okay, yes, he likes gossiping. But for his defense, he’s been corrupted by Myriam, so it’s not his fault.

Ryland had just shrugged, which isn’t a yes, but it’s not a no, either.

Every part of Paul had screamed at him to ask more questions, but instead he started talking about his own beautiful girlfriend, Julia, who’s in a band that plays Jazz in a bar called ‘Seb’s’ near his apartment.

He figured that maybe if he talked about his own relationship, Ryland would be more inclined in talking about his.

So far it didn’t work, but Paul’s a patient man, he can wait until Ryland trusts him enough with this kind of thing.

——————————————————————————

“Why are you fraternizing with the enemy ?,” Myriam asked him, a month later, when he was in the gymnasium for his class and she ‘happened to pass by’.

“What ?,” he asked, keeping an eye on the kids playing basketball, because he may be the cool teacher, but everyone knows he’s strict with the grades, “Shouldn’t you be in class ?,” he adds.

“Nope, there’s some kind of intervention, so I’m free for the next two hours. Also answer my question.”

“I don't even understand what you’re- Andy, stop slacking off ! You can’t hide from me, get back on field !,” 

The kid gingerly gets up from the bench and walks back on the field.

Paul clears his throat, turning to Myriam.

“What are you talking about ?”

“Well, he’s not ‘the enemy’, I know. He’s actually nice to be around, but still. You’re hanging out with Ryland, and you’re not even telling me what he’s telling you,” she points at herself, then at Paul, emphasizing on the ‘me’ and ‘you’.

“Why would I ?”

“I don’t know, maybe because I still have proof to find,” she raises an eyebrow, like it’s obvious.

“You’re still on that ?,” Paul chuckles, “You’re never gonna find any proof because there isn’t any. He doesn’t have a double life, he just likes to keep his private life actually private.”

“And how would you know that ?”

“Because it’s obvious. You should really drop it. Thankfully he’s still oblivious to your stalking, but the second he catches you…,” he doesn’t finish his sentence, knowing Myriam would catch the gist of what would happen.

Paul doesn’t know what the guy would do, but somebody has to slow Myriam down before it gets too far.

“I know…But I’m the secret girl. I’m the girl who knows all the secrets, this is making me insane, P !”

“I’m very aware, thank you,” he looks to his left where she’s standing, and sees her making her stupid cow eyes that he’s too weak to say no to.

He sighs, knowing he’s about to make a deal with the devil.

“I guess I’ll just…ask him if he wants to have lunch with us. Like a normal person would do, then you can start trying to learn all his secrets and whatnot.”

“I love you, P, you’re the bestest best,” she grins at him.

“Ugh, please don’t say that, you’re an English teacher, for Christ's sake.”

As Myriam walks away, Paul prays to all the Gods out there that Ryland either never finds out about her stalking, or is understanding about it.

Because surely saying: ‘She’s stalking you for almost two months now because she wants to find the thing you’re hiding and I eventually helped her by inviting you to lunch just because I’m a weak man who can’t say no to Myriam’s cow eyes’, isn’t really matter for a friendship with good foundations.

Paul swears he’s a good person, this has just taken a weird turn in the misunderstanding road.

——————————————————————————

Myriam dropped the whole ‘finding proof’ thing about two months after, the group’s growing friendship with Ryland making her less eager about stalking the guy.

Also because they actually saw Ryland’s brother - Colt - and had a long conversation with him.

He’s just as nice as Ryland, maybe a bit more straightforward, but still. Plus he’s very open about his work, Lila had eagerly asked him a lot of questions and he never failed to answer them, matching her excitement.

So yeah, there goes Myriam’s one and only proof holding her theory together.

It’s good, because Paul could see Ryland knew something was up with her, but was probably too shy to say it out loud. After all, when you’re trying to build a relationship, platonic or not, pointing fingers at the other isn’t really the right way to go.

Anyway, time passed, and the four of them became closer, spending time outside of school. In the coffee shop (now the waiters knew Ryland’s order), sometimes they’d go out drinking, bowling (they all suck at it, but that’s what makes it funny), and they even set a karaoké night every other Friday. Ryland’s a pretty good singer, but no one can compare to Lila’s angelic voice.

He’s not kidding, she could make it her career, if she wanted to.

Suddenly, it’s been 8 months since their talk in the coffee shop, and they’re no closer to finding out Ryland’s secret than before.

Actually, it’s a lie, they did learn a few things:

First, being closer to his brother was not Ryland’s only reason for moving to LA, it turns out he’s got a partner that he’s still not living with despite being in a relationship for…uh more than a year or something.

Paul isn’t gonna comment on the guy’s very obvious commitment issues, but damn.

Ryland eventually told them it was his boyfriend, after Lila threatened to follow him everywhere to check it out. Which is good intel, although he didn’t tell them anything about that boyfriend’s identity.

“Maybe he’s famous,” Myriam had guessed.

“Maybe he’s like a secret agent of some shit,” Lila had wondered.

“Or maybe Ryland just doesn’t want to tell us about it,” Paul had said, trying to reason with the two most theory-obsessed people out there.

“Shut up, P,” both the girls had said.

And so Paul had shut up. Women are more powerful than him.

Over time, Paul had made peace with never knowing who that secret boyfriend is. That and he’s got his own problems to handle right now.

You always hear people say how it’s great to have children, how it’s a gift or how much being a parent gives you, but they never say how hard getting pregnant sometimes is.

Paul can’t have kids on his own. Being a trans man will give you that, but his girlfriend, Julia, very much can.

They’ve been trying to have a kid for a few months now, but the whole process of appointments with a doctor to actually start the pregnancy is a nightmare, and it takes so long that Myriam and Lila groan every time he tells them they’ve got another appointment. Which is a lot.

Two months earlier, they were finally 100% sure that Julia was pregnant. Everything was great, they were gonna have a kid. They were gonna be parents.

He didn’t tell Myriam, Lila or Ryland about it, because he wanted to get past the 4 months pregnancy checkpoint before announcing it. Just in case.

He had everything planned, it was gonna be karaoké night, and they were gonna spend the night celebrating.

Then, when he’d be home, he’d propose to Julia, and everything was going to be perfect.

But of course, because life doesn’t work like that, it all went into flames in only a few hours.

“Julia had a miscarriage,” Paul says, a few days after it happened.

He and Ryland were out for the night, just the two of them. It was pretty late so they settled on walking around the city, enjoying each other’s company.

Eventually, Ryland asked him if he wanted to go to the beach and he agreed.

He really needed someone to talk to, and Ryland somehow seemed to know that.

Now, they were sitting in the sand, watching the vast ocean in front of them. None of them had said anything, yet Paul already felt better about everything. Like the weight pressing on his back has been lifted - not completely, but still.

He swears, there’s something weirdly calming in Ryland’s presence.

“Oh, I’m sorry. I didn’t even know Julia was pregnant," Ryland says, phrasing it like a question.

“Yeah, for two months. I wanted to wait until four months to tell you,” Paul tells him, drawing shapes in the sand.

“Why four months ?”

“Well, it was hard for Julia to even get pregnant, so I just wanted to be sure before telling the entire world about it.”

Out of the corner of his eyes, Paul sees Ryland stare at him, probably wondering why was his girlfriend getting pregnant so hard. Paul never told him about him being trans or anything about the appointments like he did to Myriam and Lila.

It’s not because Paul’s scared Ryland might hate him, after all the guy’s got a boyfriend, it’s more because he wanted Ryland to feel safe enough to talk about himself with him and throwing his pregnancy issues at him felt like an asshole move.

Also, he didn’t want to tell him.

Call it petty retaliation or whatnot, but if Ryland wants to be all secretive about himself, then Paul can be, too.

Whatever Ryland was looking for on Paul’s face, it looks like he found it, because he hums, grabbing the hem of his cardigan and fidgeting with it.

“I’m really sorry, Paul. I can't imagine what that must be like…How’s Julia ? And how are you ?”

Paul shakes his head, smiling softly.

“Julia’s…you know, she’s hanging in there. It’s hard for her. For the both of us. We tried so hard for her to get pregnant, and then when she finally is, it’s taken away from us,” he wipes his eyes before tears could fall and takes a deep breath to calm his nerves.

Yeah, he really shouldn’t have been bottling this for so long.

“And what about you ?”

“I don’t know. There’s just too many things happening right now. First, there’s Julia’s miscarriage, then it’s the fact that I have to tell my father that he’s not going to be a grandad anymore,” Paul sighs, “I can already see the look of disappointment on his face.”

Ryland opens his mouth to speak, but Paul doesn’t let him, he still has things to say.

“Do you know how hard it is to live up to your parents’ expectations when you’re a queer ?”

Ryland frowns.

“Yes ?”

“Right, no,” Real smooth, Paul, “I meant, shit…I meant when all your childhood you’ve been someone, and then one day you decide to change, be the person you always were, inside. But by doing that, you have to show your parents that you haven’t really changed, that you're still the same person they knew. And it doesn’t matter if they’re okay with everything, because it’ll always feel like you’re not good enough to be their kid anymore.”

Paul looks up, staring at Ryland’s face for any signs of confusion about what he said.

There’s none.

“Anyway, I’m just scared of him being disappointed in me, even if I know he loves me,” he concludes, looking back at his fingers in the sand.

After a small silence, Ryland speaks up, words soft-spoken as always but with a hint of sadness in it, like he feels exactly like Paul’s feeling.

“Do you know the saying ‘threading the needle’ ?”

“Uh, no, I don’t think,” Paul answers, confused about where this is going.

“Basically it means finding a safe path between two opposing forces,” Ryland tells him, mimicking the two forces by holding both his indexes up.

“That…sounds like saving your own ass, for some reason,” Paul retorts after thinking it over.

“Yes, it pretty much is,” Ryland chuckles, “But in your case, the two opposing forces are Julia’s miscarriage, and your father’s disappointment. So, threading the needle, you just need to find the way that’ll prevent you from despairing because you think those two situations are insurmountable…Am I making sense ?,” he asks, glancing at Paul.

“I guess…Basically, it’s a fancy way of saying ‘you’re gonna get better’ ?,” Paul says with a grin.

“It’s a fancy way of saying ‘things always balance each other’,” Ryland corrects, “No matter how good or how bad, it’ll always come back to normal.”

Paul nods, understanding what he means.

Like he said, he loves Myriam and Lila, they went through a lot of things over the last three years. Like the day Lila told them she was aroace, and cried about it, because she thought she would never be able to love anyone and she wasn’t living well with it.

She can, actually. Just differently than others.

Or even the day Myriam has been caught in the middle of a bank robbery, when she was in her hometown for the holidays.

She had called Lila and Paul a few hours after, telling them everything that happened. (The bank robber - Luke...Glanton ? something - had been killed by the cops and Myriam had the audacity to tell them he looked hot. Like, come on, girl.)

Anyway, thankfully she was unharmed, just scared out of her mind, but Paul was seconds away from going all the way to her parent’s house just to make sure she was okay.

But, somehow he feels more comfortable talking about his problems with Ryland than with them.

Maybe it’s the fact he’s a guy, too, or maybe because he’s similar to Paul (in terms of personality) ? Paul’s not sure.

“Thanks, man, it feels good talking about it,” he eventually admits, adjusting the collar of his jacket.

“Don’t worry about it,” Ryland told him. And nothing else.

A very big part of Paul hoped that maybe this was finally the day Ryland shares something personal, that he was gonna be nice enough to show the same kind of vulnerability Paul just showed him.

After a few minutes of silence, Paul drew the conclusion that the guy has some serious trust issues that he needs to work on.

And okay, maybe he’s being a little dramatic, because if he doesn’t want to share anything, then it’s his choice, but goddammit, the summer holidays are in a month and Paul probably knows more about Ryland’s brother than Ryland himself.

It’s selfishly infuriating. What does it take for him to trust Paul ? Will he ever trust him at all ? And what could possibly be so important that Ryland has to hide it from everyone ?

Paul sighs, mourning the fact that maybe Ryland doesn’t feel as close to Paul as he does to him.

“Anyway, it’s late. I should get going,” he says, standing up and dusting the sand off him.

There’s no use hoping. It’s getting cold, anyway.

“Do you know Tom Ryder ?,” Ryland asks him out of the blue, still sitting in the sand and watching the ocean before them.

Paul blinks, confused about the sudden change of topic.

“Of course I know him, he’s Tom Ryder,” Paul states the obvious. Everyone knows Tom Ryder, whether you’re a fan or not, you’ve definitely heard of him at least once.

Ryland looks up at him, searching for something (he seems to be doing that a lot, reading people’s faces), and Paul sits back down, understanding that their conversation is definitely anything but over.

“Well, you know how I told you guys that I had a partner ?,” Ryland starts, fidgeting with the hem of his cardigan once more.

“Yeah ?,” Paul nods, “But what does it have to do with-,” looking at Ryland’s face, Paul doesn’t even have to finish phrasing his question because he already knows the answer.

“Oh my God,” he says, unable to come up with anything better, “You’re dating Tom Ryder ?”

“Yeah,” Ryland tells him.

Frankly, you can’t blame Paul for laughing right now.

They’ve been (mostly Myriam and Lila, but still) obsessing about the guy’s secret boyfriend for almost a year, and in the end it’s ‘just’ a celebrity ? Ryland Grace dating Tom Ryder is way better than Ryland Grace dating some secret agent, or worse, a serial killer.

God, he can’t wait to tell Myriam and Lila about this.

“That’s it ?,” he eventually says, still grinning like an idiot. Just a few hours ago he was depressed about losing a kid, and now he’s laughing because his friend told him who his secret boyfriend was.

It’s crazy how easy it is to make someone forget about their own problems by just saying something ridiculous.

“What do you mean “That’s it” ?,” Ryland asks, looking very lost about this whole situation.

“I don’t know,” Paul shrugs, “I guess I was expecting something big. Myriam, Lila and I have been speculating about who that mystery boyfriend of yours is for a while now. So him being Tom Ryder is way better than some of the scenarios we imagined.”

Ryland groans, shoulders slumping.

“Yeah, I’ve noticed. At first, I thought it was funny how curious you guys were, but then it just became annoying. Having people constantly trying to pry into your life has to be the worst thing that ever happened to me. Scratch that, second worst thing that ever happened to me,” he tells him, absentmindedly cleaning his glasses.

Paul feels a very sharp pang of guilt. So he knew, all this time ? Yet he still chose to ignore it, probably hoping Myriam would drop whatever it is she was doing.

“Second worst thing ?,” Paul asks without thinking it over. Now, he’s curious about what’s the story behind that.

From Ryland’s glare, he has the feeling he’s never gonna hear it.

“I’m sorry, Ryland,” Paul sighs, apologizing on Myriam and Lila’s behalf at the same time, “I swear we weren’t trying to hurt you or anything. It’s just…,” he shrugs, “You’re a nice guy, and I think by now we can call you a friend,” Paul doesn’t miss Ryland’s smile when he said that, “So having your friend not trusting you enough to tell you things about his life is…frustrating.”

“Yeah, I guess I haven’t been very honest with you guys, have I?,” Ryland says with a self-deprecating smile.

“But why ? Why didn’t you tell us ?,” Paul asks, “Were you like…scared of our reaction or something ?”

“I don’t know. When you’re dating someone with Tom’s reputation, you tend to be a little apprehensive of people’s reaction.”

He fidgets with his glasses, making a face that Paul never wants to see on anyone again.

“Hey, man,” Paul shoves Ryland gently, trying to cheer him up, “You’ve been dating him for how long ?”

“Uh, a little over a year,” the ‘why ?’ isn’t phrased, but it’s definitely there.

“Exactly. If your relationship with the guy is serious, then his reputation doesn’t matter. People can change, even people like Tom Ryder.”

He figuratively pats himself on the back, this is a good pep talk, Paul.

“Yeah, I guess you’re right,” Ryland eventually relents.

“Of course I’m right.”

They settle back on watching the waves hitting the shore in silence, the moonlight reflecting on the water in a beautiful display of shapes.

“Would you mind, uh, keeping it to yourself ?,” Ryland asks, after a moment, “I mean, I know how Myriam and Lila love gossiping and I don’t really want them to make my relationship public.”

“Sure,” Paul nods. Ryland finally opened up to him, he certainly won’t break his trust anytime soon, “But they wouldn’t tell a soul you know ? Myriam loves gossiping but she’s got qualms. And Lila honestly forgets half of the secrets people tell her, so there’s that.”

He feels obliged to defend them, for some reason. Sure, Myriam likes gossip, but she likes a lot of other things. Lila, too. And she’s not even into gossip, really, she just likes doing things with Myriam.

“Still,” Ryland sighs, looking up at the stars, “I’m not ready for the whole world to know about my existence.”

They made their way back short after that, noticing how late it was getting.

“Do me a favor and go hug your girlfriend when you get home. She needs you just as much as you need her,” Ryland tells him, right before they bid goodnight to each other.

And later, when Paul gets home and finds his girlfriend crying on the couch, he does just that.

He hugs her close and tells her everything that he wants to hear, because he knows she wants to hear it too.

‘Threading the needle’.

——————————————————————————

Ryland’s relationship with Tom Ryder has been exposed.

That’s what he woke up to, about two months later.

Summer break had finally come, and all Paul wanted to do is spend his days doing absolutely nothing. But of course he can never get a moment of peace.

He doesn’t have Twitter. In fact he likes to stay away from social media as much as possible.

Maybe then you’d think that he wouldn't know anything that was happening in the world, and you’d be wrong. Because he’s got two old ladies (“You’re barely even younger than us, shut your trap, P !”), that like to keep him updated with everything.

Which is exactly why, when he woke up and had hundreds of texts in their group chat (now including Ryland), his first reaction was confusion.

Ryland getting engaged is good news. Great news, even. But what’s confusing him is the screenshots of tweets that Lila sent them. They were all about various users with interesting names trying to find out who Ryland is, or even insulting him for whatever reason (gosh, some fans are crazy, let the guy alone with his partner for Christ’s sake).

Obviously Myriam had sent dozens of texts telling Ryland ‘Why didn’t you tell me Tom Ryder was the mystery boyfriend???’ or ‘Oh my god I’m so jealous, how’s he like ?’.

Lila had just sent the screenshots of the tweets and a text saying: ‘Don’t listen to these fuckers. I’m happy for you, hope I’ll get invited to the wedding XOXO’

Anyway, polar opposites those two.

Unsurprisingly, Ryland hadn’t answered any of them. After all he did tell Paul he wasn’t ready for his relationship to go public.

God, Paul hopes he’s doing okay. He can’t imagine how terrifying it must be, having thousands of people talking like they know you when they didn't even know you existed until a few hours ago.

“Everything okay, sweetheart ?,” Julia asks him, pulling him out of his thoughts.

“Yeah, It’s fine, just go back to sleep,” he tells her, kissing her forehead and pulling the sheets off him to get up from the bed.

Julia’s a musician, she plays the piano in a Jazz bar near their apartment. And it being a bar and all that, she tends to get home pretty late. So the last thing he wants is to steal some of her well deserved sleep.

“You sure ?,” stubborn as she is, she sits up and stares at him, “You’re frowning the same way you do when something’s wrong.”

He chuckles and turns towards her.

“You know my coworker Ryland ? He came here a couple times,” She nods, “Yeah well, he’s dating that actor uh Tom Ryder. And people found out about it last night so…”

“Oh no, was that intentional or…?,” she didn’t even comment on the fact that it’s Tom Ryder, and instead immediately worried about the details, that’s how amazing she is.

“Pretty sure it wasn’t,” he holds up his phone, showing her the conversation.

“Oh, poor thing, is he doing okay ?”

“He’s not answering,” Paul shakes his head.

Julia was about to say something else when she seemed to change her mind.

“You knew about it, didn’t you ?”

“What ?,” he blinks, how could she even know ?

“I know you, Paul Winston. And I know when you know something that others don’t…know,” she frowns, trying to understand what she just said.

He laughs, reaching out and taking her hand.

“Yeah, I knew about it. And I knew that the last thing he wanted was people finding out about all this.”

“You should call him,” she says abruptly, grabbing his phone and searching in his contacts.

“What ?,” Paul tries to take his phone from her, but she already presses the ‘call’ button and puts the phone next to her ear.

It’s like Paul said before, women are more powerful than him.

After a few seconds, she hands him the phone and tells him to say something.

“What ?,” he repeats, because apparently it’s all he’s capable of saying.

“He didn’t answer, so leave a message,” she not-so-whispers, glancing at the phone in her hand.

Reluctantly, he takes the phone and presses it to his ear.

“Hi uh, it’s Paul. Uh, I just woke up and I read all those texts in the group chat and uhm…,” If you couldn’t tell, Paul sucks are leaving messages, “Are you okay, man ? I mean you told me you weren’t ready for the whole world to know about you and well, looks like it happened,” he chuckles, like an idiot.

Julia lightly punches his arm, and he clears his throat.

“Look, Ryland,” he sighs, “If you want someone to talk to, I’m here. You were there for me when I wasn’t feeling well, and I want to be there for you, too. Trust me, I know what it’s like to wish for something to happen, only for it to not happen at all,” Paul feels Julia squeezing his hand, knowing her enough to know that she’s trying to comfort him, and he smiles.

“And I know that you probably want to be alone right now, but you don’t need to be. It’s like you told me: You need Tom as much as Tom needs you. You’re not the only one in this mess right now, so don’t you dare keep him away, okay ?,” he clears his throat, again. Phone calls always make him nervous, “Anyway, call me back soon, or else I’ll have Myriam barge into your home. Bye.”

He hangs up.

That was the worst message ever. He knew what he wanted to say but he phrased it in such a bad way that it didn't make sense.

See, this is exactly why he hates phone calls, you don’t see the person you’re talking to, so it’s hard to focus on what you want to say to them.

He only hopes Ryland calls him back.

Also, he hopes there’s coffee left in the coffee machine, or he might go insane, but that’s irrelevant.

——————————————————————————

Ryland didn’t answer.

It was around 8pm, and nobody had any texts or calls from him. Not Myriam. Nor Lila.

It’s a shame they never asked for Ryland’s brother’s number, or else they would’ve called him, too.

Paul has been watching the TV for a while now, feeling ever worse knowing that Julia would be leaving for work anytime soon, when the doorbell rang.

“I’ll go get it !,” Julia tells him, probably already being at the door, putting her shoes on.

Distantly, Paul wonders who would come here at this hour, but it’s not like he’s in the right mood to care about that.

“Paul, it’s for you,” Julia tells him, and he jumps on the occasion to turn off the awful TV show that he’s been watching for the past hour.

The acting was shit, but he couldn’t seem to zap the channel, for some reason.

When he got to the front door, the last person he was expecting to see was Ryland Grace, standing here with flowers in his hand.

“Ryland ? What are you doing here ?,” Paul asks, ushering him in.

“I uh, wanted to apologize, you know, for going radio silent. Also, here. I bothered a poor florist before closing time just for you,” Ryland says before handing the flowers to Julia.

“Oh, thank you, they’re beautiful. I’ll put them in a vase,” she disappears into the kitchen.

“Did you get my voicemail ?,” Paul leads him to the living room, and they both end up sitting on the couch, like two functional adults, with no issues with bottling up things at all.

Go team.

“I did, that’s why I decided to come here. It seemed rude to just…leave you hanging like that.”

“I’m off to work, guys, you behave yourselves, okay?,” Julia tells them, sending a kiss Paul’s way before walking out the door.

“How are you then ?,” Paul asks Ryland, after they both said goodbye to Julia.

“I’m good, I’m good. It was just a long day. Plus there was this misunderstanding with my brother so…yeah, it was pretty long,” he tells him, rubbing his eyes.

“A misunderstanding ?”

“Don’t worry about it, it has been resolved,” Ryland says, leaning back on the couch.

Hell no, Paul wants to hear the story.

But it can wait. Myriam will probably want to hear about it, too.

“And what about Tom Ryder ?”

“Same thing. We talked it out, like you told me to do.”

Paul smiles, glad that he’s managed to help out, even if he wasn’t physically there.

“Good, because I’ve got a question for you,” Yes, he’s changing the subject, but he’s learned that with Ryland, changing the subject is a good way to get him to open up, “And now that you’re engaged, I want to ask you even more.”

He glances at the ring on Ryland’s finger. This shit looks expensive as hell.

Perks of dating a rich man, Paul guesses.

“What is it ?”

Paul sighs. This has been bugging him for a while now, but now he thinks it’s kind of stupid.

He stares at his watch, the one Julia offered him on their 2 years anniversary.

“Do you think Julia would say yes, if I ever proposed to her ?,” he asks quietly, because he’s not feeling so confident about this.

Ryland looks at him confused.

“What ? Of course she would.”

“I don’t know,” Paul sighs, “With everything that happened, I’m scared she might say no. We talked about having another kid, but she said she wanted to wait a bit before trying again, which I totally get. But I’m afraid she might suddenly think that I’m not worth the effort and just leave,” he keeps staring down at his hands.

He’s afraid of disappointing people. It’s what his psychiatrist told him one day.

And, yeah, no shit, Sherlock.

Long story short, she told him that his mother’s departure when he told her he was trans made him scared that people were gonna leave him, if he wasn’t exactly how they wanted him to be.

And now he’s scared Julia might leave him because having a kid with him isn’t as easy as it would be with anyone else.

“What are you talking about ? Julia loves you,” Ryland reassures him, “She said that she wanted to wait before trying again, not that she was going to leave you. Miscarriages are hard to move on from, and it’s been only two months. You can’t blame her for trying to gain her strength back.”

“I know. God, this is so stupid,” he hides his face in his hands, shaking his head disapprovingly.

“Paul, trust me, in 10 years, you’ll be more disappointed by the things you didn’t do than by the ones you did do. You’re going to regret not proposing to her.”

“God,” He’s right. He’s definitely right.

“What ?”

“I’ll never find a ring as nice as yours,” Paul whines teasingly.

Ryland blinks before laughing.

“It’s the intention that matters, Paul,” Ryland shoves him.

“I know, I know, and you’re right. I should propose, even if I’m terrified about it,” looking up at Ryland’s smile, Paul remembers something, “Wait, I was the one supposed to make you feel better, not the other way around.”

“I’m fine.”

At Paul’s unconvinced face, Ryland explains a bit more thoroughly.

“I swear. I realised that what people on the internet think about me doesn’t matter,” Ryland fidgets with his ring, “And that I’ve got my brother and my boyfriend to back me up,” he nods absentmindedly, like he’s trying to convince himself of that fact.

“You mean your fiancé ?,” Paul wriggles his eyebrow obnoxiously.

“Shut up, it feels weird saying it out loud,” Ryland tells him, blushing slightly.

Just as he was about to ask if he wanted something to drink, Paul suddenly has an idea.

“You should bring him to our next karaoké night”

This is a wonderful idea, he definitely wants to meet the guy that’s been driving him crazy for the past year. That, and Myriam and Lila will definitely want to meet The Tom Ryder.

“No ?,” Ryland retorts, looking at him like he grew a second head, “I’m not gonna bring him-”

——————————————————————————

Tom Ryder’s a fucking great guy. Paul can see why Ryland likes him so much.

They met the guy, what, 4 hours ago ? And Paul already knows he’s a keeper.

Anyway, a little earlier, Myriam and Paul had been waiting in front of the karaoké for everyone to come, and when Myriam saw Ryland and Lila coming over, along with Tom Ryder, she almost passed out.

No kidding, Paul had to catch her before she could fall.

It was a bit awkward at first, but thankfully Tom’s an outgoing person, so they broke the ice pretty quickly.

“So, where did you guys meet ?,” Lila asks, sipping on her glass of water.

“On set,” Tom tells them, “You know how his brother’s my stuntguy ? Yeah, so I basically thought Ryland was him. But it turns out it wasn’t, crazy right ?”

The guy already has had a lot of drinks, if it wasn’t obvious already.

Well, they all had a lot of drinks already so…

“Woah, that must've been awkward,” Paul says. He can’t imagine being in such a situation.

“Not really, he flirted with me almost right away,” Ryland kicks Tom every time he gets a little too touchy, and Paul has to fight back a laugh after noticing that Tom doesn’t seem to mind it.

“Of course, who wouldn’t want to flirt with such a handsome face ?,” Tom reaches and fixes Ryland’s glasses that were threatening to fall over.

“Question for you,” Lila suddenly says, because she always has a question, “Did Ryland tell you about the whole ‘mystery boyfriend’ thingie ?”

“He did, and I thought it was the funniest thing ever,” Tom answers, “He was very annoyed about it, but I wasn’t.”

“Of course not, you love the attention,” retorts Ryland.

More drinks came up, and so did Lila’s questions.

In only a few minutes, they knew about everything that happened before they dated.

Like how Ryland actually didn’t really like Tom because of his brother's very bad opinion of the guy. Or how Tom had a hard time even getting Ryland’s number, only for Ryland to completely ghost him.

Anyway, it’s funny, you wouldn’t think these two could belong together, but they actually match pretty nicely.

“I love you, Tom Ryder,” Myriam says after downing yet another drink.

Yep, this night isn’t gonna end well.

Suddenly, Lila perks up and grabs Myriam’s arm.

“Come on, it’s our turn !,” Lila practically drags her over the microphone.

“Are they dating ?,” Tom asks, once they’re far enough.

“No ?,” Paul tells him at the same time as Ryland says “What ?”

“Right,” he nods, not looking very convinced.

Distantly, Paul hears Myriam and Lila sing ‘You oughta know’ by Alanis Morissette and suddenly he’s not as confident about his answer anymore.

“Anyway,” Paul shakes his head, “how are you doing, Tom ? With the whole ‘social media knows about your relationship’ situation ?”

“Oh, as long as Ryland’s good, I’m good. I’m used to having people talking about me, so I’m just leaning on him to tell me what’s too much,” he answers, literally leaning on Ryland.

“Also he’s completely oblivious to anything happening around him, so it’s pretty easy for him,” Ryland adds, finishing his drink.

“That, too,” Tom agrees.

Paul chuckles and goes to the bar to grab some more drinks.

That’s basically how it started.

Now it’s 4 hours later, and Paul doesn’t think he’s ever been this drunk. They’ve sung so many songs that he knows his throat’s gonna ache tomorrow. But, he had the absolute honor to sing with Tom Ryder himself, so he’s not about to complain.

What did he sing ? He had no idea, but it was good. Tom’s a funny guy.

They’re reaching the point where the thought of going home starts to make itself known in everyone’s mind.

Tom’s singing ‘Dancing queen’ by ABBA (his favorite song, according to Ryland- wait ‘Dancing queen’ ? Why does it sound familiar ?), Lila is cheering him on like a - very drunk - cheerleader, Paul’s two seconds away from falling asleep, and Ryland and Myriam…are talking.

Paul leans closer to them and rubs his eyes like that would make him hear better.

It does, for some reason.

“So, R ?,” Myriam asks, drink in hand. Yes, another, she’s a beast.

“Mh, what’s up ?,” Ryland’s head resting on the table, and he has to shift so he can stare at Myriam.

“Who’s the top, between you and Tom ?”

Paul loses balance from leaning too much and almost falls out of his chair, losing his focus on the conversation.

“Damn it,” he whispers, rubbing his hand that prevented him from falling.

Thankfully, it doesn’t seem like he’s missed anything, considering Ryland continues staring blankly at Myriam.

“I wasn’t listening, what did you say ?,” Ryland asks her, lifting his head from the table.

“I asked uh…,” Myriam repeats, definitely losing her train of thoughts.

“She asked you who was the top,” Paul repeats it for her, because he terribly needs the answer, too.

He’s fully embracing Myriam’s gossiping corruption by now.

“Oh, I am,” Ryland rests his head back on the table, like he was expecting something that needed more focus.

Huh.

“I knew it,” Myriam says, leaning on him and closing her eyes, “I had faith in you, R, and you did not disappoint.”

“Mh, I’m glad.”

And just like that, they’re out like lights.

Paul chuckles, it’s like they’re the same person when they’re drunk.

“Woah, hey, why’s everyone asleep ?,” says Tom, appearing from behind Paul, “Did anybody listen to me ?”

“I did,” Lila tells him.

“Ah, thank you, finally someone who sees my incredible singing skills.”

“I”m better than you, but sure”

“What ?,” he crosses his arms, she does the same, “Are you challenging me, lady ?”

“I am,” she retorts.

“Oh,” Tom chuckles before turning very serious, “You’re on.”

They start running towards the microphone.

“Guys, come on,” Paul uselessly says.

It’s like dealing with children. There’s the calm ones who can be little devils when they want to (Ryland and Myriam) and then there’s the hyperactive ones, who make you go insane with their undying energy (Lila and Tom).

When they’re sober, Myriam and Lila swap places in this. It’s funny how they balance each other out…Mh.

Anyway.

Paul sinks in his chair, resigning himself to wait for a few more songs before finally being able to leave.

——————————————————————————

Myriam and Lila insisted on going home together. They said Myriam place was big enough for Lila to sleep there for the night.

Who was Paul to tell them no ?

He called an uber, and helped the girls to get inside.

The driver looked pretty much harmless, but Paul still sent him a look that said: ‘You do anything and I’ll find you.’

The guy only tilted his head, chewing on a toothpick, and waited for Myriam and Lila to put their seatbelts on.

Once they did, he put his gloved hands on the wheel and drove off.

Yeah, he looked harmless enough, maybe a little quiet, but it’s not necessarily a bad thing.

“You guys need a ride home, too ?,” Paul turns around, asking Ryland and Tom.

Ryland’s practically asleep, being held up by Tom who’s despairing over the fact that he lost the singing contest against Lila.

Really, nobody can beat her.

Paul sighs and rubs his eyes. He’s not sober enough to deal with all this.

“I’ll just call another uber, I guess,” he sighs, pulling out his phone once more.

He was gonna call one for himself, but he guesses there’s no harm in helping out a bit.

Plus what will the driver say ? They’re getting paid so what’s wrong with getting to two different addresses ?

Paul hopes it’s not illegal to do that, he never calls for an uber.

He never calls at all, honestly.

Thankfully, their ride came quickly, and the three of them went into the car.

By the time they arrived at Ryland’s apartment (because Tom had been too drunk to tell Paul his address), Paul had fallen asleep for a second before being woken up at least 3 times, and he was seriously starting to get annoyed.

But, like the good friend he is, he helped Ryland off the car, careful so he wouldn’t slip and fall head first on hard concrete, and made sure Tom had it under control before telling the uber his own address and giving him more money for a second course.

Before driving off, Paul heard the beginning of what seemed to be Ryland and Tom bickering about something Paul didn’t understand, and he found himself smiling.

Just a few months ago, there was just Paul, Myriam and Lila, hanging out together at the coffee shop they loved and cherished. And now it’s Paul, Myriam, Lila, Ryland and - apparently - Tom Ryder, hanging out at the karaoké, getting drunk and having singing contests.

He’s not gonna ask himself which choices led to this particular moment nor will he ask what has his life turned into, because frankly he wouldn’t change anything. He’s got the perfect girlfriend and the best friends you could ever have.

But, come on, what has his life turned into ?