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Jack comes into the living room after his shower to find Bitty sitting on the couch while Therese plays with her new toy cars. Bitty is staring at the Christmas tree with an oddly pensive look on his face. Jack steps up beside him and lays a hand on his shoulder. “What are you thinking about there, bud?”
“Was your family religious, Jack?” Bitty asks softly, eyes never leaving the tree. He sounds uncertain and nervous at the question and Jack can’t help but sit next to him and wrap his arm around those slim shoulders.
Jack sighs, “We were never particularly religious. My mother was raised catholic and my father jewish, but we never actively practiced anything. When we were with my gram and gramp, we would go to mass, and with grandmere we would celebrate the high holy days, but no, I wouldn’t say we were religious. Why?”
Bitty sighs and leans his head into Jack’s shoulder. He speaks softly so as not to draw the attention of Therese, who is off in her own little world. “My family is. I was raised Methodist, went to church every Sunday, was the president of my youth group, and donated more pies to the bake sales than I can count. I liked it.”
He pauses, but Jack knows he’s not finished yet. So he waits and gives Bitty a slight squeeze. “Does that make today hard?”
Bitty nods and blinks rapidly, as if to chase away tears. “My Momma used to tell me the story of Christ's birth every year. But ever since I came out, I haven’t felt particularly welcome back at my church at home. I would go to services on Sunday occasionally in college, but the community that I was a part of…it felt like it was gone. Like I wasn’t allowed to be part of it anymore.”
“You have a community,” Jack says and he’s trying to help but somehow he doesn’t think that he’s said quite the right thing.
Bitty takes a deep and shaky breath and lets out a watery laugh. “It’s stupid, I know. I have lots of people who love me.”
“That’s not what I meant. I…I don’t know what I’m doing. What do you want?” Jack asks honestly and doesn’t lean away from Bitty because this is not going to turn into a self defensive fight on his part. It’s not.
“I want to not feel like these two parts of me are at war,” Bitty says finally. His eyes are closed now and his voice is high and tight like he might start crying soon. Jack wants to fix this for him. “I believe in The Lord. That has always been important to me. And it’s been easier for me to ignore it most of the year, but Christmas is always hard. And now that Therese is old enough to understand…”
“You want to raise her with your beliefs,” Jack finishes, finally understanding. “You know, it’s okay to be religious and gay.”
Bitty shakes his head and leans further into Jack’s touch. “I spent my whole childhood hearing that it wasn’t. I just don’t know what to do. I want her to know what I believe but I don’t want her to think that what I’m doin’ is wrong by being with you. I don’t want her to think her family is wrong.”
“She doesn’t have to,” Jack says simply. “You are in control of what she hears and what she’s exposed to. We can even look for a congregation to go to that won’t teach her that her family is sinful. I’m sure they exist.”
Bitty sighs again and nods slightly. “I know they do. But wanderin’ so far from what I grew up with…it seems a shame. But I want to teach her.”
“We won’t be able to fix this tonight, Bits,” Jack reminds him, “But we can start. You said Christmas is harder because you want to teach her about it. So teach her.” He pushes Bitty forward slightly toward Therese.
Bitty finally speaks up at this point to catch the attention of their daughter. “Therese, sweetie, come over here.”
“Okay Daddy!” The two-year-old says cheerfully and toddles over toward them. She climbs into Jack’s lap.
“Would you like to know why you got presents today?” Bitty prods gently.
“It’s Christmas!” Therese exclaims proudly, lisping slightly.
Bitty nods and smiles. “Yes, would you like to know the story of Christmas?”
Therese lights up at the word ‘story’ just like she always does. She bounces in Jack’s lap and nods enthusiastically. “Story! Story! Story!”
“Alright, sweetie. Well, a long time ago there was a man named Caesar Augustus. And he wanted to count all the people in the world….”