Work Text:
Coy blinks his eyes open to sunlight filtering through the windows and laying above a bed softer and bigger than his. He finds himself snuggled into a Perry the Platypus plushie.
Movements of shadow alerts him further. After a few moments to let his brain reawaken, he realised that it's Anthony, cleaning something off of the door with some wet wipes.
Anthony looks back at him, still crouching, “Morning, idiot.”
Coy's head pounds when he tries to sit up. He can't even think of a counter for his weak ribbing. “Ugh. I'm going back to bed.”
“No, you're not.” Anthony throws the wipes directly into the trashbin. “We need to review footage and you need to start editing, or else we're missing the deadline.”
Coy groans, covering his aching head with his hands and sinking further into Perry's fluffy green fur.
“I'm bringing you some Advil and water then.”
“Thanks, Anthony,” Coy muffles from underneath the covers.
His mind quickly goes to sleep again, getting himself comfortable in the infamous softest bed in the house because Anthony spent his high-subscriber-count money on things that actually matter. His headache lessens the moment his head hits the pillow again. Before he went back to his dream-state, he wonders why can't he sleep here every night? The comforter smells like it's freshly washed, that soothing laundry smell, mixing with the scent of body wash unique to Anthony's. Coy knows that eventually he needs to ask himself how and why he is on Anthony's bed, but that's for after-Advil Coy to figure out.
He's awoken by Anthony shaking his shoulder. “Coy. Coy, wake up.”
“Mmm,” Coy forces himself to open his eyes to the shocking blue in front of him.
“Drink the Advil. We're having a house meeting.”
Coy stretches himself from the covers and yawns loudly. When he comes to, that's when he notices Anthony is blushing, really badly.
It takes a moment for Coy's brain to pick up after he drinks the water and Advil, Anthony waiting patiently for him on his work chair.
“...house meeting,” Coy repeats.
“Yeah.”
They never do those. All five of the guys never had any bad blood between them, no one has ever did something so atrocious that they formally held a meeting over it. Not until…
Fuck.
Coy's cheeks burn. He's not wearing an oversized sweater this time to hide with his sweater paws. He stops himself from borrowing from Anthony because that will make him even more incriminating.
It… was it really that bad? Coy hoped that their roommates would just give a one-sentence joke teasing about last night, then let it become an embarrassing running joke for the rest of their lives. A house meeting? Coy dreads his friends’ comments. They're not gonna joke around it, they're gonna deliver a heated scolding.
“A-are they all–?”
“Yeah. Just, waiting for you. Us.”
Coy lets himself panic internally underneath the cover of Perry before forcing himself to face his idiotic, drunken self, screams at him in his head, then makes himself more presentable to his waiting roommates. “I am drinking after this.”
“No, you're not.”
Most of the meeting, Coy and Anthony just nod, and the only words they say were ‘sorry’.
It's a rarity to see them all together like this, plus Hanbon too. It's an even rarer occasion for the quiet Berto to lead the conversation, rather awkwardly, cracking some jokes here and there to lighten the mood.
At least neither of them look disappointed or angry. Rather, they mostly look embarrassed just to be acknowledging it.
“...so you don't hate me and kick me out of the house to do a walk of shame all the way across the states to my parents' house?”
“Chill, Coy,” Berto chuckles. “Let's all admit, it'll happen eventually to one of us.”
Surely not to last night's extent. Coy can feel his ears heated further when he remembers Hanbon's exact words about his screaming.
And that basically ended the ‘meeting’. They set some new ground rules, or rather, their only rule because they never had any rules to begin with. Will jokingly said he'd buy a ball gag for him. Hanbon hugged him and Anthony, tiringly exclaiming ‘finally, you guys made up’ before sluggishly went back to her place, still nursing the hangover. Berto went out to meet some friends, and Coy finally noticed a big poster of a Chill Guy conspicuously placed near the spot where they broke the wall.
Yuuta notices it too. “Hey, what is this? Thought we're over this.”
“Wait!” Will is across the room from him, too late to stop Yuuta. “No, no, no, no–!”
Yuuta tears off the poster to reveal the big, cracking hole in the wall. He slowly looks back, shock and confusion painting his face.
“It was Coy!” Will shouts, that son of a–
“N-no! Anthony pushed me too hard!”
“I barely even touched you!” Anthony argues. “Check the footage! I barely pushed you!”
“I'm outta here before the landlord checks in,” Yuuta leaves.
Coy had two cups of coffee today. He wanted to pour more, but Anthony stops him before his stomach couldn't handle the acidity. Coy then asks for beer instead, which also Anthony stopped.
Coy's name may be what landed on the wheel yesterday, but that just means he leads the editing. Hanbon, Will, and Anthony also take part in discussing the pacing, which footage to use, or help in animating some segments. Though, with the deadline fastly approaching, they have no time for fancy mock-ads on the corner of the screen. This period of time is where they are the most serious. Nothing like the fear of a publish date to crush down any hint of jokes out of them.
They pass Coy's computer around, making slight changes after every replay they do. Meanwhile, Anthony's computer is being worked on by Hanbon for the short they need to make to promote it in the first place. Thank god they don't need to worry about thumbnails because it will be an exclusive unlisted video anyway.
They all release a choir of sighs when it's finally uploaded.
“...wait, Ant. The website.” Hanbon quickly reminds him.
“Shit! The literal place where they'll find it!”
For this one, Coy and Hanbon can only watch dumbly as Anthony types away codes while Will helpfully searches up things they misremembered. Their website provider can only do so much. After a few moments of panic and shaky clicking, it's finally done.
Coy sinks to the work chair. Hanbon sinks to the floor. Not long after, Anthony joins her.
“Guys, we have a new sofa,” Will points out, with which nobody hears.
Hanbon, muffled by the floor, asks, “Coy, can I have your bed again?”
“I was planning on sleeping on it, but sure?”
“You're not sleeping with Anthony?”
“...no? Why should I?”
Hanbon flips herself over. She opens her mouth, thinks over it again, then closes it.
But Will finally asks what she was afraid to. “So are we talking about it now?”
“What's there to talk about?” Anthony pipes up, still with his eyes closed on the floor.
“Are you two… not…?”
Will meets Coy's eyes for explanation, seeing that Anthony is half-asleep already. Coy coughs. “We never. Uh, we never even had the chance to, uh, talk.”
Will whistles. “Damn. After all that?”
“Will, don't be mean.” Hanbon tries to reach to Will's shoes to slap him, but it's too far away.
“But it's true, though! You two have been acting like that for so long.” Will leans back to the armrest, his energy somehow spiking up now, after 8 hours of uninterrupted work. “Me and Bon even bet on you two.”
“What the fuck?” Anthony opens his eyes, wide awake now.
Coy starts, incredulously, “How did you guys even–?”
“So should we leave you two alone now? To talk?” Will stands up from the sofa.
“I-I don't,” Coy's mind is everywhere, they bet on them? “Maybe–”
“I'm taking your bed, okay, Coy.” Hanbon stands up from the floor and already waving back to them.
“Guys, it's really–” Anthony starts, but Will and Hanbon are already leaving, with Will turning back to them one last time just to say, “You two. Talk,” before going up the stairs and shutting the door.
Anthony lies back on the floor, massaging the crease on his eyebrows, then his eyes slip back closed again to rest yet still letting himself stay awake.
They remain silent for a long while, with only the computer whirring and the occasional footsteps from above them filling the noise. Coy makes a move to join him on the floor.
“Hm. It's not at all comfortable, but it's cold.”
Still no response from Anthony. Coy doesn't really blame him, his eyes were red with exhaustion. Coy tries to make himself comfortable as he dissasociates from exhaustion as well, staring at the ceiling as he notes the many patches it has. The decor on the wall that's gonna fall off soon. The messy wall littered with names of all the guests and residents that had come to this house, finding his name written there from a year ago. His gaze automatically searches for Anthony's name and wonders if he felt lonely before any of them moved here.
“So,” Coy starts. “Do you like stars?”
Anthony barks a surprised laugh before containing himself back, face acting composed, before completing Coy's set-up, “Yeah, they're cool.”
They let out uproarious laughter. All earlier panic of the video eases off of their shoulders as they find their footing again.
“I guess I'll be sleeping in the goffice tonight. Hanbon's had it rough today,” Coy shrugs. “At least we have a mattress here now.”
“No, come on. You can sleep on my bed.”
Coy doesn't respond to that. He's sure without Anthony looking at his expression, the silence speaks for itself.
“Wait, not like that. Just sleep, I mean,” Anthony fumbles. “You get to sleep on the best bed in the house, twice then.”
Coy nods in agreement. “It is very soft.”
Silence fills the air again. Muffled voices of Hanbon can be heard from upstairs, seemingly having an argument with Will about drinking on a weekday. When their voices dissipate, Coy and Anthony make no plans to fill in the quiet air.
“...we are so bad at this,” Anthony finally states.
Coy shakes his head at himself. At this rate, they'll never speak of last night ever again. “Fine, I guess I'll wear the pants in this… Situationship?”
Anthony grits his teeth and says “Uh oh,” the same way Coy does when he hears a bad line.
Coy continues anyway, “Do you regret it?”
He waits with bated breath for his answer. It's the first question they should talk about.
Softly, almost a whisper, Anthony replies, “No. Do you?”
Coy shakes his head, small smile forming on his lips, “No.”
They lie on the floor again. The silence becomes comfortable now. No one dares to make a dent on the complicated talk they're supposed to be having. Blame it on exhaustion mixed with the hangover from yesterday. Coy's eyes start to droop as well, but he refuses to actually sleep on the floor. He could at least move to the mattress, however that means leaving the comfy atmosphere with Anthony.
Instead, he eyes the room. It is messy all over, like the whole house really. Boxes still fill the hallway outside and no one, not even Coy, is brave enough to try to clean it up. The goffice is a different kind of messy, it's messy with history – at least, that's what Anthony states. References to earlier projects, from before Bunch of Friends even formed. Youtube plaques from different channels, with the highest one under the name Anthpo. Picture frames of all the meet-up posters Ant has made, one of them is the famous Timothee Chalamet look-alike contest, which Coy thinks should have been put in the middle instead of framed inconspicuously in the corner. Random things, like a pull-up bar Anthony insisted on having so their ‘butts won't be fused with a chair. Like Dib from Invader Zim, have you seen that show?’ Leftover balloons forming 100k still have not been popped, even though it has been two months now since that goal. It is unbelievably messy, but Anthony's right, all of them were someone's mark. Literally, looking at the wall filled with names at the back.
It seems like Anthony is looking at the same thing. “Kinda thinking of painting that over.”
“What?” Coy asks, confused. “What happened to ‘everyone left their mark'?”
“The paint is peeling and yellowing and disgustingly moldy. Plus, this place is utter chaos. We need to have at least one thing neat.”
Coy doesn't believe that one bit. Anthony tries to act nonchalant, but knowing him, he actually really cares about sentimental values. He remembers how devastated Anthony looks when Coy gave away the french fry keychain to Will – which, really Anthony, it's just a keychain. Yeah, he gave away his ‘thoughtful’ gift, but Anthony gifted it to him by spitting it into his hands, of course Coy didn't think much of it.
“Okay. Answer that again, but without the lying,” Coy commands.
Anthony raises his arms. “Okay, fine! The landlord is gonna be real pissed when she finds out we broke the wall. She's always hated this wall in particular because we ‘tainted it’. It's not like it's our fault that it's molding. So might as well get her good side by painting it over.”
“You really think we could get on her ‘good side’? Pretty sure she doesn't even have one.”
Anthony shrugs, “Here's hoping.”
“Okay,” Coy's eyes find something else. “While we're on the subject of cleaning up the place, can we please get rid of the pull-up bar?”
He chuckles, “What, gave up on getting your third pull-up already?”
“Nobody's using it! It just takes up space. People trip over it all the time because it's too big to fit into the corner.”
“Bon uses it.”
“Bonnie doesn't even live here. And I think she gave up on it, too.”
A pause passes as Anthony sits up to inspect the space again, thinking it through. “You sure? Thought you liked seeing me do pull-ups.”
Coy sputters, then composes himself. “You mean, the non-existent pull-ups? Pretty sure I wasn't there when you did your 2.5 pull-ups.”
“What do you–” Anthony takes a closer look at the small whiteboard noting the many pull-ups done by the four of them. His record breaking 25 pull-ups now has a period between the two numbers. “Who did that?! Coy!”
Coy tilts his head back, laughing.
Coy studies Anthony as he places the camera in the car while the rest of the members get themselves ready for the shoot. It's gonna be a long drive, and Will and Anthony are ready to take turns with Coy when they drove home – Hanbon declining to drive because her period cramps are going haywire today. Still, they bought a change of clothes in the back in case they needed to go to a motel. They have the vague script in mind, something Coy thought of initially, which was to drive until they run out of gas. Will was the one who points out that they need an actual destination in mind, and that led to Hanbon searching the first food place in Buttzville recommended by Google. Some hot dog place Coy forgot the name of. They knew they needed more stakes and conflict other than that, so they're hoping to wing it until something catches their eye during the trip.
Coy inspects the car's engine in case it breaks down in the middle of the shoot, which, now that he thinks about it, could be great content. But he shook that thought away. Getting stranded is worse than being hated by the algorithm. He looks around the engine and gives up.
“How's it looking?” Anthony comes up to him, the camera's lens cap in hand.
“It's definitely an engine.”
Anthony snorts. “Still can't believe you managed to own a car for years and still don't know shit about it.”
Coy sighs, “I'm video calling my dad. Unless you want to take a chance at this thing?” He gestures at the chaotic mess of screws and pumps underneath them.
“The last time I touched your car, I made a dent on the side of it.”
“So you're planning to ruin my car after we take turns?”
Anthony leaves Coy after sending him a mischievous grin. He can hear Coy shouting “Anthony!” as he goes back in the house. Will is preparing the drone camera in case they need aerial shots while Hanbon seems to be writing notes in the margin of their ‘script’ – if they can even call it that. Anthony looks over her shoulder.
Hanbon gave the paper to Anthony, “I'm thinking, me and Will will be the driving force for this one. While you and Coy can be the straight men.”
Will snorts.
“Ha, ha,” Anthony rolls his eyes. “Feels like we're still missing something. What will you two be doing anyway?”
“Go to this hot dog place called Hotdog Johnny's,” Hanbon shows a Google Maps picture of an unremarkable fast food place through her phone. It has 2 reviews. “We'll be the ones that are, like, super hyped for this place. While you and Coy want the car to run out of gas, just to see what happens.”
“And what if we, just, cannot run out of gas?”
“I dunno. Fake it, I guess?”
Will and Bon laugh, Anthony shakes his head, “No, no, we are not faking it. What's the fun in that?”
Will pipes up, “Then go scheme with your boyfriend on how to sabotage the car.”
Anthony almost automatically said that Coy is not his boyfriend, but figures his two friends don't need to know that it's not sorted out. They haven't really talked about it yet, they're both bad communicators, yet Ant cannot not admit that they don't have something between them now. Though, something in Ant's head always stops the thought before it forms into a sentence. Boyfriend… It doesn't feel right. At least not yet.
There's a bunch of things that happened after their talk on the floor, everything that's not at all important. Anthony and Will painted the wall of names in the goffice, yet the mold somehow is still there, which led to Will jokingly putting up a framed photo of the CEO of Youtube to cover up the disgusting mold. And that led to their end-game for this season – something Anthony is sure they will all regret. Their landlord got super angry at Anthony for the hole and made them all pay for the damages. Berto somehow did not think the conspicuously placed poster on the wall meant anything, which led to them making content surrounding that. They finally cleaned the mess of boxes in the hallway yet still ignore the mess of shoes upstairs. And the pull-up bar in the goffice is finally sold off to some gym dude on craigslist. He knows Coy is glad at the latter news.
Still, nothing is sorted out between them other than they did not regret anything that happened during their drunken stupor. They act like normal again. Never really caring for labels or setting things straight between them (ha). Will and Hanbon assume they have properly talked, though. Probably because nowadays, Coy often sleeps on Ant's bed without reason – just to sleep, nothing more. Anthony doesn't complain, waking up next to someone like Coy takes his breath away every morning. Also probably did not help that they share clothes now. Or how Coy kept stealing his guitar to practice on.
Will and Hanbon keep making jokes around them. Even in front of camera, they crack jokes about Anthony being gay, which is half-true, but the joke is too far-fetched to the public that they wouldn't think too much of it.
Though, they do like to keep their distance when the camera is rolling, just in case they reveal something they shouldn't. They needed to cut so many shots from the last video because of it.
It does make Anthony wonder if they'll ever breach the topic again. If they should. He rather likes the situation they're in right now, throwing flirts around with no consequence, closer than friends but still a distance away. Easy banter for the camera. Close enough to appreciate Coy's charm, far enough to stay on the fence.
Coy's driving, as always. It is his car. Anthony sits right behind him and realise his position is the perfect opportunity to mess with him.
“Ow. Ow! Anthony, stop it!”
Anthony still kicks his chair from behind him. He mimics a crying toddler, “Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Dad, are we there yet?”
“Stop, I'm driving!” Despite that, Coy is laughing and leans forward to get as far away from his chair. “Bon! Help me out here!”
“Anthony! Wait until the cameras are rolling, at least!”
“Bon. Not helping,” Coy manages to make a right turn flawlessly with the annoying kicks behind him. Though his view of the windshield is soon slightly covered up with Will fixing the camera. “Ugh! Will! Move! Do you guys want me to crash the car!?”
Will mumbles, “I mean, it's your car.”
Not soon after, the cameras are finally rolling. Hanbon moves herself to the middle seat so she can be seen clearly in the frame. They get themselves ‘in character’, so to speak. Exactly like how Bon planned it, with Will excitedly mentioning Hot Dog Johnny's and they all act as if they've heard the place for the first time.
Coy hears some banter going on with the three of them. He tries to keep up with the topic, but he has his eyes on the road, and especially the gas meter. He and Anthony were thinking of ways to make sure the car would most definitely run out of gas during the shoot – that is until Coy actually checked the gas meter, which is almost exactly empty. He sent a death glare to a nervous Anthony who used the car last time for work. They refueled and tried to keep the meter right below the middle, which should be enough to get to Hot Dog Chomsky's or whatever it's called.
He caught sight of Anthony through the rearview mirror during a red light. He notices him, gives him a wink and smiles. Coy hates how he makes him blush even redder nowadays.
The postponed ‘Talk’ was never brought up again. Coy waits for Anthony to start, while Anthony waits for Coy to start. They are going nowhere with this. And Coy really, really would like to see this move forward. If it's possible. Anthony implied that he liked him back, right? So what should be the problem?
Their flirting has become that, flirting, no more vagueness or jokes. Legit flirting, that often went dirty rather quickly. Coy can feel the tension physically between them growing thicker and really hopes it doesn't leave their other two friends awkward between them.
They haven't even talked about the unsaid rule of intimate relationships between the four friends. They explicitly said to their audience that they will quit once one of them marries, but nothing about… this. They're not just friends anymore, they're co-workers. Hell, Anthony is technically his boss and mentor. If things went south between them, their livelihoods are at stake. And Coy is rather worried about the latter problem, not wanting something of a Ned Fulmer scandal happening to their fresh new channel.
Maybe he's getting ahead of himself. Anthony's not officially his boss, but he definitely acts like one. He's a worrier, he can't help it.
It's just Anthony. The guy who wholeheartedly gifted him a sweater filled with icons of guns, shotguns, bombs, and bazookas and still thinks of it as a perfect fit for him.
“Coy, you missed a turn,” Hanbon informs.
“Shit, sorry.” Coy immediately looks for a U turn up ahead.
“He's distracted. Should I put on Subway Surfers near your window?” Will jokes.
“Sure, that surely won't lead to getting stopped by a cop.”
“Dude, you're white as hell. Even if you hit a pedestrian, they'll think you're just doing some social experiment.”
An idea sparks in Coy's head. “Oh, Will. I think you're onto something.”
“Uh oh,” Anthony says from the backseat. “You're not turning Coy into a road hog for content.”
“Might be great for another video, but no.” Coy jokes. His eyes finally find the Walmart they planned to visit, because he is stupid enough to forget to bring a gas canister, something Anthony rightfully scolded him for.
He parks the car and once the engine's off, he turns to his friends. “I have a plan for the climax for this episode.”
They wait for his explanation. Nothing. Just an almost evil smirk.
“...you're not telling us,” Anthony figures.
“Where's the fun in that?”
“Knowing you, it'll definitely make me angry.”
“Oh, you love me,” Coy sing sang.
Once inside the supermarket, Coy deliberately diverges from the group to get his supplies. He finds a red mini spray paint, some ropes, duct tape, a beige car cover, and probably could use some stain remover on his clothes later. He paid it himself, since the company card is with Anthony this time. Later in the back of the car, he opened his duffel bag to spill the little clothes he brought with him. When it's not enough, he opened Anthony's as well. He'll get mad, but for other reasons. He even filmed himself on his phone during his mini DIY project.
He covers his surprise with the hotdog costumes Will insisted they bring. He's just happy they don't need to go for Will's backup plan for the climax of this episode, which was ‘something with these costumes, don't worry, we'll just wing it.’ A truly, truly terrible idea.
As he closes the back door of his car, Anthony is coming towards him.
“We were searching everywhere for you! The hell are you doing?”
“Oh, nothing,” Coy walks off innocently back to the Walmart entrance. “Just, don't open the trunk yet.”
“Coy, what the fuck did you do?”
“It’s all for a bit! Trust me, it’ll be fine.”
Turning back, he sees Anthony's face is in a conflict of curiosity and annoyance. Coy doesn't really have a reason why he kisses his cheek. He sure loves the reaction it creates out of the other man.
Anthony fumbles over his words.
“So this is how we shut you up,” Coy smirks and continues his way towards the entrance.
Anthony is delightfully red all over. “Woah, you are so flustered. My ego feels boosted,” Coy continues.
Anthony's unease breaks as he rolls his eyes at him. “Your ego's big enough as it is. We'll talk after filming is done.”
Coy can't help but get excited – for a conversation. Teenage him would be baffled.
“This is such a precarious situation that we get into. We really are just,” Anthony pauses for effect, “a bunch of friends!”
Coy cringes behind the camera. He turns to the left and begins walking to the darkness, making sure the camera tracks his running feet.
“Nope, don't. Don't leave. Hey. Hey!”
The drizzling rain hits their backs with a faint breeze. Coy was right before, this is an awful place to get stranded on. There is minimal light on this road. No buildings or sidewalks around them to show even a smidge of supposed life. Only distant lights in their surrounding area and an endless road ahead them. In one direction, it's where Will and Bon went, Hot Dog Dommies or something. In the opposite direction was where Anthony went to get gas. Then that's it, only some foliage and trees fill the space between the darkness.
At least they have signal.
Though, to be honest, Coy was slightly afraid of cops suddenly questioning him of the red spray paint all over his white undershirt and his hands. He's glad that Anthony came back pretty quickly.
“Wonder how Will and Bon are doing,” Coy says with the camera pointed directly at him, now having walked back to Anthony.
“Hopefully not lost. I haven't received any texts from them.”
“Too busy eating Hot Dog Sammies, probably.”
Anthony finishes pouring all of the gas to then turn to Coy, which always makes Coy froze up on instinct because god his eyes are just– “I noticed that Will grabbed the Dayquil. They're probably treating that as an extra sauce.”
“Eww, come on, Anthony. They're not that stupid.”
Anthony raises his eyebrow.
“...you've convinced me.”
Coy eventually turns the camera off after they deemed it's enough footage. He makes his way to the driver side until Anthony grabs his wrist.
“Coy.”
That single word. The way he says his name, so careful, calculated, already pleading even though they haven't even started the subject yet. Somehow Coy knows where this is going.
Rain still drizzles around them, making their hair and shoulders wet, softer and vulnerable. The rain around them glints for a micro-second while falling to the ground. It sparkles in the darkness. And the single light above them their only source of vision. The pitch black surrounding the area makes Anthony's face, especially his bright blue eyes, pop out.
They don't utter a single word. Only staring at each other's faces to memorize this new light, the dazzling stars and rain, the soft look mirrored on their faces.
Anthony lifts his hand up. Coy anticipates the touch on his cheek, already unintentionally leaning towards it. Only to never feel it. Ant's hand hovers for a few seconds further before falling back, nervousness filling his expression, shown by the biting of his lip and unwillingness to look straight into Coy anymore.
Fear slowly rises. What happened? What did I do? Was I too eager? Coy swallows all of it down. Anthony's confession resurfaces to encourage him, ‘I wanted to take you out first. On a proper date, maybe. Get some cheap bouquet I can hide behind my back. See you in a tux.’
“Can we…” Coy rewords his sentence. “What are we, Ant?”
Anthony's thinking, his gaze still slips to their shoes. “I… I don't know. What do you want it to be?”
That's when Anthony raises his gaze back to Coy. Eyes open. Expecting Coy to open back, bare himself to him, speak whatever he has pent up ever since seeing Anthony for the first time, the true Anthony.
Coy can't say the words.
It's just– too hard. Too vulnerable. Too hopeful and too eager, too childish, and it makes Coy feel like their age gap is bigger than it is.
His thumb runs across his index back and forth, then clenches into fist, before slowly opening his palm. Nervously finding Anthony's hand in his.
Anthony immediately grasps back.
Hope fills Coy's heart. Anthony's blue eyes narrow to make it ever so softer. And it bares everything to Coy. Reciprocation, relief, care, and something Coy has never seen in Anthony – fragility.
Coy sends his other hand to also grasp Anthony's, letting the camera hang around his neck, covering Ant's whole hand to reassure him that I'm here, I've always been here, I'm open to everything you will give me and handle it so careful.
But Anthony pushes back.
His hand slowly releases from Coy's grip and it hurts more than anything. It's so sudden to see all of those longing in his eyes now turn into guilt.
Coy is frightened for what he had done, what had? Is he–? Did he–?
“I-it's not your fault,” Anthony breaks the silence.
Then whose? Why does he keep looking at Coy with this– this fear in his eyes? Coy can't help but wonder if he's mistaken and it's disgust instead, comparing it to faces he'd routinely see during high school.
“Hey. Hey, don't cry.”
Fuck, is he crying? No, he's not. His eyes are just itchy from the rain dropping onto his pupils.
“Coy,” Anthony says so softly it's almost a whisper. He reaches his thumb to wipe away his tears but Coy cringes away from him.
Anthony looks like a kicked puppy.
Coy automatically starts to apologize.
“Don't,” Anthony interrupts him. “It's never your fault.”
“Then what's going on, Ant?” Coy tries not to show his real emotion, then it accidentally comes out as spiteful anger. Did I read the situation wrong? Did I imagine Ant's words of wanting to date me? Seems like something he'd do, seeing he's been chasing the same guy for a whole year now.
“I just…”
The silence is somehow making him angrier. “What, you come inside a guy, and realise you're still straight?”
“No! No, no, I wouldn't do that to you.”
“Then why does it seem like you used me then?”
“That's not– Coy, look at me.”
Anthony doesn't make a move to lift his chin up, finally getting the idea Coy doesn't want any of his bullshit right now. He just waits patiently until Coy moves his eyes on his own.
When Coy does, Anthony continues. “My mind… It's not well, you know that. I don't want to push you away, the same way it ended with–” he stops himself, then chokes it out, “with Janice.”
Coy tries to understand, he really does, but this just felt like a break-up before they even started anything. Already assuming that once they label themselves, it'll most definitely end terribly. Which– does Anthony really don't trust him, at all?
“I'm not her,” was the only thing Coy could say to sum up his own thoughts.
“I know that–”
“So what's the real reason, Anthony? You keep hiding–”
“I'm not hiding–”
“Then what's with this stupid… Anthony, you really think lowly of me that I would leave the moment you showed–” he cuts himself off. “I've lived with you, I know that already."
“I know, but what if–”
“You do know you've been leading me on for the past few weeks, right?” He's slept on his bed, wore his clothes, flirted with him flirting back, literally kissed him in the middle of a Walmart parking lot mere hours ago, already thinking there must be more between them now. Coy can't help the sarcasm, “What, did you change your mind?”
“No, no, Coy. I want to, I just…”
Anthony trails off and Coy waits this time, dreading what he meant, but forcing himself to look from a different angle, from Anthony's angle.
“...I don't think I'm… ready, yet?”
Coy processes his words for a few moments. Ant's last break-up was more than a year ago, even before Coy officially moved in, so he couldn't still be sore from that. And he knows Anthony visits the psychiatrist, has seen his prescription, has been the one consoling him when Hanbon wasn't there. They live together, know each other's schedules, see each other everyday. He thinks it over again, imagining if he's in Anthony's shoes.
Then it clicks.
Coy protects his heart, holding himself away from Anthony and puts a solid mask between them. “Why do I have a feeling that if I were a woman, you wouldn't have this kind of problem?”
The silence speaks louder than words.
A truck runs past them. Its loud horn and heavy engine seemingly became Coy's conduit for his frustration. He needs to remind himself he is still holding the very expensive camera around his neck. The shoot. The video. Their channel.
He spits his next words as if poison. “We should pick up Han and Will.”