Chapter Text
November 24th
4:06 AM.
The clock read 4:06 AM. Nick had stayed up way too late; this was past his bedtime. Work had been bothering him, the Squad had been working on a series of "gay-bashings", and he overheard one of the officers make an off-handed comment about homosexuality. The manic thoughts inside of his head were racing: "why does this bother me", "I'm not gay. I'm not gay". He always made an effort to never be alone, whether it be at work, or at home, he couldn't be alone, as when he was, his thoughts would get the better of him.
5:00 AM
Eventually, Nick drifted off to sleep as the sun began to rise, knowing that he would awake to the grating electronic shrill of an alarm clock within the next two hours.
And quietly, he began to dream, but unlike other dreams he previously had, an Assistant District Attorney starred in it. Sharp-witted, sarcastic, short, and sublime in the NYC Supreme Court. It was Rafael Barba. He appeared superimposed over an image of the precinct, beautiful blue eyes ripping into the Detective's soul. He kept walking, and walking, and to no avail, was still at his starting place. The dream, as so many do, ended shortly after it began. But that fateful image of Rafael Barba was still fresh in the mind of Nicholas Amaro.
5:25 AM
Nick abruptly rose from his plain white bed, confused by his apparition of the A.D.A. He looked at the the clock once more: 5:25 AM. There was no point in trying to sleep any longer, so he stayed awake and pondered the dream. The thoughts in Amaro's head were horrible now. "Fag". "Fag", "Fag", "Fag". That's all he could think. They grew louder and louder, and then they became too much.
He ripped open his night-stand draw, violently rummaging through all of his junk in search of a blade. There it was, right in the corner of the drawer. Nick slashed the skin of his left arm open, watching them turn red. It was a rush; to him, this was the only way to get rid of his bad "thoughts". There were cuts all over his arm now, but the thoughts wouldn't stop. Why wouldn't they stop.
Amaro bandaged up his arm, skillfully planning to tell his colleagues that he accidentally cut himself while preparing a sandwich. The brown plastic band-aid relieved Nick from the sight of his own blood, likewise to how cutting himself relieved Nick from his bad thoughts. "At least the sun has begun to rise", he thought to himself. He stood up, feeling wobbly, and sauntered into his kitchen.
6:05 AM
His cell phone lit up and buzzed with a message for him. It was Olivia.
"Cragen wants us to drive up to Martha's Vineyard to interview some possible victims of our gay-basher. Get to the precinct soon."
And his bad thoughts dissolved akin to that of sugar stirred into water. Nick's work made him happy, helping victims made him happy, justice made him happy, and when he was happy, he was too distracted to even let his bad thoughts enter into his brain. Even though his first year at Special Victims had been had been rocky, he began to get into the flow of things, and although it took Benson a while to come around to him, she truly did like him as a partner. He almost felt like he belonged. But, of course, there were his bad thoughts weighing him down, and how did he rid himself of them? Cutting himself. Other than that, he really, truly felt happy to be working at SVU. And now, a five hour drive with his partner, whom he actually considered a friend to Martha's Vineyard? To most it would seem quite monotonous and boring, but to Nicholas Amaro, it meant the world.
"I'll get to the precinct as fast as I can (:"
He sent the text to his partner and got on his way to the 16th Precinct.
6:37 AM
Amaro pulled into his usual parking spot at the station. It was a cool, frosty, and chilly morning, there was no denying that. The snow had taken over the city, blanketing it with white. He stepped out of the car, and strolled into the precinct. It was empty and most of the lights still weren't on, as most of the staff were due to come in at 7:00. Nick gazed around and spotted his partner, Olivia Benson. He called out to her
"Hey Liv"
She turned around, examining the coat-bearing, bandage-wearing Detective. Olivia immediately knew something was wrong with Amaro. Over her long tenure with SVU, she developed a sixth-sense for people who were going through situations such as Nick's. Alerted, she responded
"You ready to take a trip to the Vineyard? Five whole hours, just you and me, let's get going."
The silence of an empty before-hours squadroom took over the room again. Olivia began to vest herself in her winter garments: coat, toque, mittens, and boots. She pushed her ripping black spin chair into her desk, and walked over to Amaro. Unable to keep the question to herself, Benson concernedly inquired about her partner's sloppily-bandaged arm,
"Hey, uh Nick, what happened to your arm there?"
The silence grew even louder for Nick, not expecting anyone to ask about his injury
"I uh, cut it real bad why trying to slice some bread for a sandwich."
Tears rose behind his eyes, but Amaro not wanting to appear weak, pushed them back as he always had. He was taught by his father that Boys don't cry. And if they did, it meant that they were weak, or even worse, gay
"Oh. Ok"
Benson replied softly, still concerned, not believing whatever crap Amaro had just told her. The pair headed out of the building and into the parking lot. A plain brown car awaited them, it still felt weird for Olivia that Stabler was gone. This was his favourite squad car after all. Being Senior Detective, she got into the drivers seat and Nick got into the passengers seat.
7:00 AM
Twenty-three minutes had gone by and the two had been having a splendid time hitherto, making conversation about family, work, the city, anything really. Amaro truly felt safe while he was with Liv as she subdued his bad thoughts when they spoke and when they laughed; while cruising down an empty toll highway, Benson remembered about Nick's arm. She felt bad probing him about it, but she also felt that she had a duty to help him if her "sixth-sense" was correct.
"Nick I'm going to preface this by saying that I care about you, and whatever you tell me in this car, never has to leave this car, but what really happened to your arm? Sweetie I know that there is no way you needed that many bandages after trying to slice some bread, so please, tell me what really happened."
Nick couldn't keep them away anymore. Not even with Olivia, the number one person who could keep him away from them. They were in his mind and they weren't leaving. They were in his mind and they weren't leaving. He began to break down, salty tears running down his rough, weary cheeks. They weren't leaving, they weren't leaving. Small tears transitioned into a great sob, and the Detective finally confessed
"I cut it myse..."
He choked on a sob, unable to finish his sentence. Words were too much for Nicholas Amaro right now. Benson looked at him, seriously concerned. She had never seen him cry before. Nobody had.
Once Nick sobered up from his sobbing high, he managed to speak
"I cut it this morning-"
Olivia had a truly worried gaze towards Amaro
"When I'm with you, the bad thoughts go away, I don't think of them."
He broke into a loud sob
"For as long as I can remember I've never been normal. To you I might seem perfectly normal, but I'm not. I'm not normal, I'm not normal and I never will be. I'm gay. I'm gay, I'm gay, I'm gay, I'm gay.
The crying finally came to a halt as Olivia began to comfort her partner
"There's nothing wrong with you Nick, you're the best partner I could ask for, and you are normal. Being gay is normal, there is nothing wrong with you."
Nick looked up at his partner with prying eyes, not used to hearing this.
"You're a great person and an even better Detective. Just because you're gay doesn't affect that."
He propped himself up in his carseat.
"I want you to know that I fully support you. You're an amazing partner, and there is nothing wrong with you; don't ever forget that".
Nick continued, listening
"The next time you feel like you're not normal, don't cut, call me instead, I'll answer your calls no matter what time of the day it is, or where I am. You deserve to be happy just like everybody else, and there is nothing wrong with that, understand?"
The hispanic Detective wiped his tears with the sleeve of his coat, feeling like a burden had been lifted off of his shoulders, like the scales were finally even. He finally felt 100%; he finally felt normal and truly happy with his life and his work. He felt liberated from his bad thoughts. What a difference this was from the morning.
"I do, I do."
"Thanks Liv, I don't know how I would ever make this up to you, I mean-".
She responded quickly
"You don't have to. You're more than a partner to me, you're my friend, and don't ever feel like you need to make this up to me. I'm glad that you feel better now."
He smiled and nodded. Life made sense, there was no more to worry about, to Nick, this Day was now perfect, a high contrast from the morning, and being able to spend it with such a great friend had an impact he'd never forget. And now the dream of Barba had finally made sense to him. He already knew of the A.D.A.'s sexuality, and planned to inquire to him about a date.
Nick leaned over to hug Olivia, eternally grateful to her for helping him. She smiled back, and they continued to talk, all the drive there, and all the drive back.