Chapter Text
“girl, para akong kinakantot ni satanas sa init,” reklamo ni juhoon while reapplying his spf 50++ sunscreen on his face for the nth time. napastare lang sa kanya ang dalawa niyang kasama.
“what? spf 50 is non-negotiable. yung quiz kanina, pwedeng idaan sa iyak pero ang UV rays, walang sinasanto.”
the powder puff girls aka him, minji and hanni are out and about ngayon at nakarest sa track oval after literally almost dying sa remedial quiz sa isang general elective class na tinake nila. hindi na naawa ang kanilang prof at talagang binigyan pa sila ng quiz on a sunday; when even the lord above had rested on the said day after creating the heavens and the earth and everything nice.
unfortunately, totoo nga ang balita: god gives the toughest battles to his gayest soldiers aka si juhoon atienza kim aka ang nag-iisang chinitang petite na femgay ng calamba, laguna.
“ugh, bakit ba dito tayo eh wala naman tayong PE?” reklamo ni hanni na ngayon ay naka full blast na ang jisulife kasi sobrang hot talaga. napafrown nalang si minji sa tabi kasi she forgot hers at mukhang di magsshare si hanni.
“para makasagap ng fresh air," maikling sagot ni juhoon, feeling the breeze sweep through his sunscreen-slicked face.
medyo thankful naman si juhoon kasi he’s sporting a rather cool and fresh outfit: an oversized vintage graphic tee ng arctic monkeys (kahit di naman niya alam mga kanta nila) whose neckline was intentionally stretched out para kapag gagalaw siya, it would, surprise, naturally slip off one shoulder. underneath it ay ang kanyang fitted, mid-thigh faded denim shorts na may frayed hems na hapit na hapit sa thicc at maputing hita niya.
his ootd is giving schrödinger’s shorts—yes, just like the cat—kasi hanggang di gumagalaw si juhoon, walang idea ang mga tao kung may suot ba siyang pambaba o wala. kung nakapanty lang ba siya o something like that.
“bili nalang kaya muna tayo ng drinks? may open na store sa nadaanan natin kanina.” nagsuggest si minji which earned an eyebrow raise from juhoon na nag-aapply parin ng sunscreen.
“omg i can’t—i don’t know? not pa ako done here eh.” sabi naman ni jju. he scrambles on his tote bag na nakuha niya sa isang org event para hanapin ang kanyang hello kitty designed compact mirror na gift pa ng kanyang titang from hong kong.
“sige dito ka muna, i can't take this shit anymore, like, jinja,” both hanni and minji gave up at tumayo na at iiwan lang ang kanilang bags kay juhoon. “may papabili ka?” minji pauses before going, making sure na ang ating bida ay out of concerns.
“water nalang siguro. thanks!” and just like that, naiwan mag-isa si juhoon. not that he minds, of course.
walang tao masyado sa campus ngayon kasi nga sunday at holiday pa bukas, pero there are some people doing laps sa tabi-tabi. around him, he spots a few na mukhang tatakbo rin around the oval not too far away. specifically, there’s this one wearing that familiar bright blue ateneo dri-fit shirt that he can’t be more sure of.
literal na those big, fat a-t-e-n-e-o letters were sprawling out like a sore thumb, just there existing and demanding his… attention.
to set the records straight, hindi siya ganon ka-attracted sa mga atenista, okay! he just finds them amusing sometimes lalo na when they’re feeling this subconscious class guilt kapag kaharap nila ang mga taga-state u or whatever. and, okay, maybe dahil maraming cute sa kanila kapag pumupunta silang uptc pero that’s all!
medyo na-preoccupy ang mind ni juhoon kaya he made sure to finish his ritual first. kahit na it’s scorching hot sa pinas, dapat skin care is life parin, duh. kaya siguro sobrang kinis ng kutis ni jju, like his skin was blessed by mama mary herself, kasi kahit na may apocalypse na, he’d still probably be too busy kapapahid ng kanyang shea butter and coconut oil lotion (courtesy of his tita from states) sa makinis at masarap niyang balat.
juhoon thinks na matatagalan ata yung dalawa since medj malayo-layo pa yung store na nadaanan nila kanina. in the meantime, sobrang feeling stressed si bakla kasi tambak nanaman ang readings at deliverables niya lalo na’t he’s 187% positive he flunked up that quiz they took earlier. tapos may ganap pa org niya this coming week, meron din siyang due sa spaylater—
anyway, hindi narin masyadong matirik ang sikat ng araw at napagdecide’an ni juhoon na bumaba ng konti sa bleachers at mag-unwind kasi mas mahangin there. wala namang tao sa paligid so might as well leave their belongings unattended—wala rin naman silang mapapala unless they have a habit of retouching their faces with sunscreens too, no?
at ayun na nga, as if nagsnap ang kanyang guardian angel up above, parang biglang nagsparkle ang eyes ni jju and the philippines suddenly becomes a better place to live in.
oh my. as in oh my god talaga.
nawalan ng hininga ang ating bida. nagmamalfunction ang bodily systems ni juhoon and he was quite literally gaping at the sight before him.
over the other lane sa track oval ay isang napakasarap na nilalang na tumatakbo. matangkad, by estimate mga 6’2 ganern. kay jju, okay lang naman tumakbo eh, pero yung tumatakbo na walang damit, tapos exposed na exposed yung… six, seven—eight pack abs at pumuputok at makakapal na muscles? parang nastroke si juhoon right there right then.
hawak-hawak na niya ang kanyang ateneo dri-fit shirt sa isa nyang kamay. bawat step ng paa niya sa rubber track ay umaalog-alog at nagrripple-ripple ang tight muscles sa kanyang bortang… talagang bortang katawan—parang si jju lang at the moment, automatic na nag-cclench at unclench ang asshole niya kasi putangina naman, sobrang yummy lang.
tapos yung shorts niya pa—that navy blue basketball shorts that hung criminally loose on his hips, which, in return, gives juhoon an unobstructed, panoramic view of his mouth watering v-line na feeling ni juhoon kayang-kayang magpart din ng sea just like moses did or whatever sa sobrang well-defined.
napa sign of the cross nalang ang ating bida. if ever man binigay to ni lord para magkasala siya, pwes he’s indeed a son of god kasi he knew just right what juhoon carnally wanted.
juhoon is positive—mamamatay na siya. he bids his family goodbye for the last time kasi at least, namatay naman siyang masaya.
REPUBLIC OF DILIMAN AND KATIPUNAN
OFFICIAL DEATH CERTIFICATE
NAME OF THE DECEASED: Juhoon Atienza Kim
AGE: Early 20s
CIVIL STATUS: Single (unfortunately)
PLACE OF DEATH: UP Track Oval
TIME OF DEATH: Nung nakita ang isang yummy na atenista
MEDICAL CERTIFICATE/CAUSE OF DEATH:
-
Immediate Cause:
-
(a) Immediate Cause: Acute Respiratory Failure (patient couldn’t breathe)
-
(b) Antecedent Cause: Severe V-line Exposure (lethal damage to the patient’s nervous system)
-
(c) Underlying Cause: Blunt Force Trauma (feeling tumama sa rock hard chest ni atenista)
- Other Significant Conditions Contributing to Death:
- (a) Critical Dehydration (over sa laway si patient)
- (b) Spontaneous Combustion (horny meter level: fatal)
- (c) Chronic Schrödinger’s Pants Syndrome (patient died a happy man)
-
Remarks:
- “Pacremate niyo ako please at ilagay sa protein shake niya.”
napastifle nalang ng moan si juhoon.
nung palapit na si mr. 6’2 super sarap na borta atentista sa kinauupuan nya, napansin niyang naka-wired earphones pala ito. his face was stern like he was so serious about something, at jesus christ, parang nagzoom bigla ang paningin ni juhoon with matching pag-adjust ng focal length kineme at nakita nang maliwanag ang kagwapuhan ng kanyang anyo.
avisala eshma!
mukhang afam si mr. 6’2 super sarap na borta atentista and this hoe knows one when he sees one. finally, after only hearing all of this sa tiktok, eto na ata ang kanyang chance na madala sa snow.
nagzoom ulit out of habit ang kanyang sight sa kanyang sharp jawline—at this point, it would have been more merciful to have him guillotined than to NOT have a taste of this very delectable blue eagle.
literally this man is the embodiment of his ideal type: matangkad, pogi, borta at most of all, mukhang malaki at nananampal ang TITE. yes, tite na naka caps para dama hehe.
a few more steps ay bungad na bungad na sa kanya ang makapal… literal na makapal na chest ni mr. 6’2 super sarap na borta atentista. at dahil nga mas malapit na siya sa tracks mismo, parang hihimatayin si juhoon kasi what the fuck.
what the fuck talaga.
kitang-kita ni juhoon with his own two malanding eyes kung paano magglisten under the afternoon, quezon city sun ang kanyang pawis na tumatagaktak as he sprints. napagulp na lamang si juhoon kasi parang ang sarap dilaan and suddenly his throat feels raspy and dry and dehydrated simultaneously all at once.
isa pa yung dick print. sue him. feeling niya pangatlong paa na niya yun na nakadangle in between his legs or whatever and he almost cries at the size of it. medyo kinabahan ang imaginary juhoon kasi parang di to kakasya sa kanyang masikip na butas.
sabi nga ni socrates: beggars can’t be choosers.
so si guy ay nagrun past him na and juhoon literally tried to stay sane while peeping at the way his dick swung heavily along with his steps. jju considers himself a slut in theory, pero sa harap ng ganitong kalaking grasya, pakiramdam niya para siyang nareformat na flash drive. di naman kasi siya naorient na possible pala ang mga ganyan sa pinas, okay? medyo nashook siya sa part na yon.
nang medyo lumagpas na si blue eagle afam ng very slight lang naman, the scent hit him like a speeding truck.
his trail left a scent so, so good, feeling ni juhoon nagprecum siya. mayhaps this was the irl equivalent of pheromones sa mga abo fics na nababasa niya pero kinda nervous si jju kasi did they always smell so expensive? feeling niya bawat singhot niya eh mapapadalhan siya ng billing statement from ateneo.
and then the end of the world happened at biglang nangyari ang hindi inaasahan.
imbes na magtuloy-tuloy sa pagtakbo, mr. 6'2 super sarap na borta atentista suddenly slowed his pace. huminto siya literally just a few meters away from where juhoon was currently having his internal crisis.
putangina, jju thought wildly. hihingi ba siya ng number ko? tatanungin niya ba kung saan yung pinakamalapit na starbucks? omg, laking big brew lang siya, he doesn’t know shit! he’s a creature of habit pa naman!
nagpanic ang inner malandi ni juhoon. muscle memory kicked in faster than his upcat reflexes. mabilis pa sa alas kwatro, he subtly pulled the neckline of his oversized arctic monkeys shirt even further down his shoulder, ensuring his perfectly highlighted collarbone was out to play. he crossed his thighs, tightening the stretch of his faded denim shorts to serve maximum schrödinger’s shorts realness. ewan nalang talaga kung di siya masilawan sa legs ko.
tinagilid niya ang kanyang ulo, parted his super plump lips just a fraction, and channeled his inner innocent but make it wild aesthetic.
lord eto na ata. like legit for real.
ready na siyang bumato ng linya. ready na siyang maging sugar baby ng katipunan. ready na siyang mag-yes, i do.
the afam pulled out a matching navy blue insulated water bottle (kasi of course, hydro homie ang mga burgesya at bawal uminom sa plastic). he tilted his head back to drink, and jju literally watched his adam’s apple bob up and down na parang gusto yatang dilaan nalang ni juhoon yung lalamunan niya—okay, calm down, self.
he then wiped a stray drop of water from his chin, turned his head, and locked eyes directly with our one and only bida aka juhoon atienza kim ng calamba, laguna.
pause.
medyo huminto sa pag-ikot ang mundo. slow mo ganern.
eto na.
eto na yung simula ng enemies to lovers katipunan AU niya aka ang heated rivalry ph remake.
the guy flashed a smile. isang blinding, perfect-teeth, half-afam smile na nagpawobble sa tuhod ni juhoon kahit nakaupo naman siya. confirmed na malandi nga si juhoon.
fuck men for weaponizing this kind of behavior, really. alam na alam nila paano kunin ang mga bading na tulad ni juhoon, and it works every. single. fucking. time.
he reached up and casually pulled out one side of his wired earphones at isang malalim and very baritone na voice na may slight accent ang kumiliti sa tinggil ni juhoon.
“‘sup, bro? init, noh?”
…
…
…sandali.
wait.
no. no, no, no, no, NO, NO
nagblue screen of death ang entire system ni juhoon. error 404: system not found. parang biglang nagstop mag-align ang stars, ang moon, at planets at tanging ang salitang yon lang ang nag-eecho sa utak ni jju because this can’t be happening to him.
bro.
did this walking calvin klein billboard just call him… bro? bro as in short for BROther??
sa gandang to ni juhoon, tatawagin lang siyang bro? ano na ang gagawin niya sa mga to be delivered na micro-shorts niya from shein kung bro lang naman pala ang tingin sa kanya ng afam na to?
he did not do his skincare with extra steps (daily, walang palya) para lang matawag na bro. hell, nagbody oil nga kanina si juhoon para magremain hydrated ang kanyang skin tapos ganito? ain't no cishet male would have a body and skin like his, fyi.
what the fuck talaga, mukha ba siyang tatagay ng redhorse sa kanto habang nag-uusap tungkol sa crypto at nba? mukha ba siyang ka-duo sa valorant na nagrrage quit at mag-aaya ng billiards afterward?
nagpakabiktima na nga siya willingly sa male gaze, tapos bro ang igaganti sa kanya? anong akala ng masarap na blue eagle na afam na to, mag-aambag si juhoon sa patriarchy at aayain siyang mag-gym bro fist? excuse me, he is fighting to break the glass ceiling of being marupok, and not para maging one of the boys.
the blatant disregard for his kikay rights is giving misogyny, lowkey.
bago pa makabawi ang ating bida at makasagot ng isang mataray na ‘hindi tayo talo, teh,’ the afam gave him another friendly, very cishet-guy nod, put his earphone back in, and resumed his jog.
he left nothing behind but his expensive scent na super bango talaga kahit malayo na siya and juhoon's completely shattered ego.
nanatiling nakatulala si juhoon sa bleachers, experiencing warshock like never before. parang umalis ang kaluluwa niya papuntang langit, or impyerno, kasi nadisappoint niya ang kanyang guardian angel since he apparently did not do his best.
“hoy, bakla. anyare sayo? para kang nakakita ng multo,” bungad ni hanni, hawak-hawak ang isang malamig na c2 apple (na fave amats niya) and one cold plastic water bottle habang si minji ay nagssip ng iced coffee.
hindi agad sumagot si juhoon. dahan-dahan siyang lumingon sa dalawa, pointing a finger towards the retreating but still unbelievably yummy back of the 6'2 burgesya na tumatakbo palayo around the oval.
sinundan nina hanni at minji ang tinuturo niya.
“ah,” sabi ni minji with a nonchalant shrug. “si martin. taga-ateneo yan. madalas magjogging dito kasi mas malawak daw yung oval natin compared sa kanila.”
martin.
kahit pangalan palang, super yummy na talag—
“kilala niyo siya?!” halos mapasigaw si juhoon, holding his chest like he was having a cardiac arrest. kasalanan itong lahat nina hanni at minji!
“bakit ngayon niyo lang sinabi?! bakit hindi niyo pinakilala agad sa akin?! not this betrayal!”
“anong ipapakilala eh hindi naman namin kaclose, hello? nakikita lang namin yan sa mga common friends,” irap ni hanni.
“wait lang. kung kilala niyo siya o nakikita niyo siya, bakit hindi niyo siya pinagnasaan?!” juhoon asks, completely flabbergasted. “omg mga bakla, bulag ba kayo?! para siyang k-pop idol na naligaw sa katipunan! he literally looks like ultimate bias material!”
“yuck, jju, no thanks,” napamake face si minji, umiinom sa iced mocha latte niya. “first of all, we know his type. sigurado akong isa yan sa mga typical na xavier sadboy na pagdating ng ateneo, biglang nagpapaka-straight pero puro mixed signals naman. alam mo ba kung gaano katoxic yung mga ganon? they’ll call you ‘dude’ while playing with your feelings,” nagpause si minji at napafrown naman si juhoon.
“the weaponized incompetence is real, sis. mag-eexplain yan ng philosophy of love habang ginoghost ka. ekis yan sa mga eah na tulad namin.” mas nagfrown lang ang ating baklang bida.
“tsaka hello,” dagdag ni hanni, raising a perfect eyebrow. “we thought you hate the bourgeoisie? diba anti-capitalist ka? akala ko ba ‘eat the rich’ ang motto mo sa buhay?”
“putangina, hanni, minsan na nga lang ako maging full pledged pokpok eh!” juhoon screeches, aggressively twisting the cap of his water bottle. “slut in theory nga ako, diba? pero if ganyan lang naman ang itsura ng kapitalismo—oh the twitter rats can sue me for this—i'll gladly eat the rich kung siya yung ihahain sa akin, okay? karl marx will not be proud, but my guardian angel will surely be.”
humagalpak ng tawa yung dalawa sa karupukan niya. pero si juhoon, imbes na makitawa, ay parang pinagsakluban ng langit at lupa.
suddenly, the philippines becomes a shit place to live in again. nawala na yung sparkle sa kanyang malanding eyes kanila lang. he looks down at his carefully curated ootd na, for the first time, nadefy.
“pero mga teh huhuhu” fake weep ni juhoon, the reality of the tragedy finally sinking in, “tinawag niya akong bro. tinawag akong bro ng lalaking yon.”
“bro? as in, ‘sup bro’?” minji gasps before cackling loudly. “baka naman kasi mukha kang aayain magbasketball sa porma mong yan. patomboy ka daw kasi bes!”
“naka-schrödinger’s shorts ako, gaga! anong basketball?!” juhoon angrily snaps back, pouting as he aggressively pulls the neckline of his oversized shirt further down his shoulder. gago, can’t you see this beauty??
“gusto ko lang naman magkamoment with him, tapos bro-zone inabot ko? mukha ba akong tagatagay ng red horse sa inuman ng frat?!”
the absolute disrespect to his gay rights, like, for real lang ah? i mean, gusto lang naman makatabi ni jju yung grasya at v-line ng atenistang yon, tapos ipagkakait pa sa kanya dahil 'bro' ang unang pumasok sa isip nito? paano siya magkakamoment sa buhay ni martin kung ittrato siya nito na parang tropa na uutusan bumili ng yelo sa court?
“remember, behind every successful na certified malandi is a series of tragic bro-zones,” hanni quotes sagely, tapping juhoon on the shoulder. “kaya mo yan, bro.”
“isa ka pa, babatuhin kita nitong sunscreen stick ko!”
napaisip si jju habang masamang nakatingin sa kawalan. according nga sa philippine national anthem:
'yun ang aking tipo minsan 'pag wala nang fake
tumatagal sa laban parang jordan game six
siya ay sobrang sexy, mini-skirt, at fake c
chick na always down, hindi ka magsisisi, yeah
kung basketball references pala ang language ng mga atenista, pwes, juhoon can play that game. kung "jordan game six" na stamina ang hanap ng blue eagle na to, papatunayan ni jju na kaya niyang makipag-one-on-one at tumagal sa laban—preferably horizontal.
at kung "sobrang sexy" at "mini-skirt" ang basehan… clearly, his schrödinger's shorts have failed him. masyado pa yatang mahaba? baka naconfuse pa si martin at inakalang pambahay lang yon or something. kailangan niya ng shorts na magdedefy ng law of physics and thermodynamics—yung tipong isang maling galaw, lalabas na ang buong katotohanan. ang buong katotohanang sobrang landi niya pala talaga omg.
pero, maybe kailangan niya lang ng mas maikli pang shorts? oorder na lang siguro siya sa shopee mamaya ng micro-shorts na kasing laki na lang ng panyo. either way, in the song, he trusts.
he takes his phone out from his tote bag, aggressively typing sa gc nila kahit kaharap lang niya yung dalawa in real life.
powder puff girls
jju: mga bakla, cancel the revolution.
jju: i am going to make this blue eagle choke on my schrödinger’s shorts.
jju: as a true patriot, i will fulfill the prophecy of our national anthem.
jju: OPLAN: PUKPOK ANG POKPOK HAS OFFICIALLY COMMENCED.