Archive of Our Own

Lamine knew that there was something wrong with him ever since he was a kid. His teammates in the locker room at La Masia would joke and gush about girls and their crushes. Lamine always laughed along – his signature bright smile crossing his face as his friend talked wildly about an embarrassing moment with a girl he liked.

But – deep down – Lamine felt a strange emptiness. Not the kind of emptiness that swallows one whole; slowly eating away at his heart until each beat merely felt like an unanswered echo in the emptiness of his soul.

No.

It was the kind of emptiness that sat in the corner of a dark room, only showing its face whenever the door was opened and light streamed across its face.

As a kid, Lamine would hastily sneak out of his bedroom and tiptoe downstairs to the living room after the house grew into that comforting silence. He would quietly turn on the janky old television that sat in the corner of the room – sometimes having to fiddle with the antenna – and lowering the volume until it was just loud enough to hear from the sofa.

It was always the same thing; romance movies. He would sit at the edge of the couch – staring in awe as the actors on the screen fell perfectly in love with each other. Every time Lamine's big brown eyes fell in a daze watching the man and woman on the screen kiss, the door in his soul would open just a little bit more – allowing the stinging light to shine more and more on the disgusting face of the thing that lived in the corner of the room.

There was also a sense of deep longing in his soul.

Everytime his heart would call out, his soul would answer, into the darkness it screamed.

But his soul was too far away from where his heart truly stood; with the boy with dark brown hair and green eyes so bright – it might just lead his soul back to his heart.

When he had his first kiss, he imagined feeling fireworks, magic, or, at least something like the actors in the movies felt. As he locked lips with the blue-eyed, black haired girl from his homeroom after school, he felt empty inside.

The fireworks never came – the magic never happened. He leaned against the brick wall as he watched the girl giggle and run off to her awaiting friends. He didn't know what was wrong with him. The man and the woman in the movie felt something, so why didn't he?

With every press of the lips, his soul fell deeper and deeper into the pit.

The door opened more and more – so much so that the light started to burn.

The only place that all these confusing thoughts took a backseat was football.

He had been playing football since practically before he could even walk. He had been accepted into one of the best youth football training camps in Spain— La Masia.

That's where he met Pau. Pau Cubarsí.

He was the complete opposite of Lamine. Shy, guarded, and scared. Lamine didn't know why he gravitated towards him – or the sickening warm feeling he got in his chest whenever Pau flashed him a real smile, or even laughed.

They had grown up with each other, moving from La Masia to Barça, one of the most respected football clubs ever to exist.

It wasn't until Lamine was 16 years old that he realized he was going to Jahannam.

His family was Muslim – specifically Shia – going to their local Mosque every Friday afternoon. They would pray to Allah before and after every meal, and during the three prayer times throughout the day. (Morning, afternoon, and night)

Lamine wore a star and crescent necklace under his clothes, never taking it off. He knew every sin and prayer by heart.

Lamine was 16 years old when he realized why he was different from his teammates, his friends, his family.

Lamine Yamal was gay.

Every night, when everyone else was asleep, he would be on his knees until they ached.

Gripping his Tasbih beads like somehow if he gripped it tight enough, Allah himself would appear.

So hard that there would be indents on his hand the next morning.

Tears streamed down his eyes, carrying the weight of every word his Imam would say.

"Disgusting"

“Unholy"

"Wrong"

He would pray to Allah every night. Every night was the same wish.

"Make me normal, Allah. I don't know how much longer until I act on disgusting thoughts."

Every night he would pray until there were no more tears to cry, until he felt numb inside.

Hoping.

Hoping that once he woke up the next morning, that he would be normal.

Lamine was 18 years old when he realized he was in love with his best friend, Pau Cubarsí.

Another sin shoved into his mouth was Kufr, the denial of existence.

Pau Cubarsí was an atheist.

Allah was real, and everyone who did not believe and didn't repent would go to Jahannam.

Lamine had thousands of reasons to love Pau, but 2 disgusting reasons he couldn't.

So why does he still get the traitorous fluttering in his chest every time Pau smiles at him?

Why does his breathing get lighter – and life a little easier every time he sees Pau's face light up?

· · ─────── ·𖥸· ─────── · ·

It was a late September night – Barça had just come back to win 3-2 against Real Oviedo in an away game.

The bus had a blanket of comforting silence as it trudged down the lamp-lit streets of Oviedo.

Most players were exhausted – and understandably so.

Pau had taken his usual spot next to Lamine near the back of the bus, essentially muscle memory at this point.

Lamine himself had his airpods in, listening to the lull of spanish music that became background noise to his running thoughts. He leaned against the frosted over window, wincing slightly at the stark contrast of the coldness seeping into the warmth of his skin.

He stared out of the window through the small clearing in the frost he made with his sleeve. He was barely paying attention though – more focused on over-thinking again.

But, as he felt the foreign weight of the boy next to him – his thoughts seemed to just…

stop.

Lamine tensed slightly under the contact, but terrified to move.

He can't want this, he won't allow himself to want this.

After a particularly rough bounce of the bus on the street below, Pau stirred awake.

He shifted as he eventually picked his head up. Lamine ached at the loss of contact, but also the thought of possibly enjoying it.

Pau blinked a couple of times before looking up at Lamine, smiling sheepishly, the smile that Lamine secretly loved.

The smile he prayed to Allah to erase from his head, from behind his eyes every time he closed them.

“Sorry,” Pau said, his voice laced with a hint of sleep, still meeting Lamine's gaze with his bright green eyes.

Lamine could feel the light from the bottom of the pit, his soul desperately clawing to get closer, only to be met with darkness again when Pau looked away.

Lamine cleared his throat. “No worries, mano.”

Pau grinned softly before resting his head against the headrest of his seat, already closing his eyes again. The adjustment caused Pau's knee to bump against Lamine's.

Was this the electric current that he was supposed to feel with girls?

Lamine stilled again at the touch, but almost immediately pulled his leg closer to himself, away from Pau's.

Almost like it physically burned him – which it almost did.

Pau must've not noticed or didn't comment on, which Lamine didn't know if he should be grateful for or not.

Lamine's head connected with the window again; thankful for the frigidity of the glass pane cooling the heat in his cheeks – which were now red from the chilly window.

· · ─────── ·𖥸· ─────── · ·

That night Lamine kneeled on his praying mat, his Tasbih beads intertwined around his right fingers and wrist as his whole body shook with sobs.

His head firmly planted on the ground as he begged again and again to Allah.

He begged him to stop these thoughts.

Thoughts that would tear Pau away from him, already picturing the disgusted look on his face if he ever found out about these sick thoughts.

He remembered it too well.

His cousin, Dana.

She had been caught by her father kissing a pretty blonde girl outside after school.

He remembered sitting on the carpet in the Mosque, trying not to flinch as he watched her get forced to kneel and beg for forgiveness from Allah.

He'll never forget how she looked after.

Numb.

Her face blank – the ghosts of tears stained her face as her enraged father dragged her out.

she didn't fight anymore.

She allowed herself to get thrown out like a ragdoll.

Lamine could see the look on his mother's face.

Could hear it in her voice as she lectured him on the way home.

“Poor girl… led astray from Allah and acted on these twisted thoughts.”

“Lamine, if you ever feel like that, you pray it away. You ask Allah for forgiveness, to cleanse you of those monstrous ideas.”

“Promise me you'll never be like her”

“Keep praying. You can never be too close to Allah.”

“Don't disappoint me, cariño.”

Lamine wept until no more tears came out no matter how hard he tried, until he couldn't talk a deep breath without stuttering.

He finished the third phase of his prayer, blessing the prophets and turning his head to both sides and muttering

“As-salamu alaykum wa rahmatullah”

Although it took him a couple tries to say it without his voice shaking.

He wiped his tears on his sleeve as he stood up. He glanced at the clock on the hotel bedside table. It was already midnight.

He went to sleep that night hoping maybe tonight was the night Allah would answer the prayer he has been begging for the past 2 years.

And hoping he didn't cry loud enough to be heard.

· · ─────── ·𖥸· ─────── · ·

Lamine had a list.

A list he kept hidden away in a drawer buried under his clothes.

One only him and his cat, Nala, knew about.

**Things I need to stop doing**

Lamine didn't know how to get his thoughts out, to talk about them. Everytime someone asked if he was okay, the words would cling to his tongue and not let go. He would just nod his head and warmly smile, but the smile which once came naturally now felt forced.

He instead opted to write down his feelings. Over the years he had compiled a short list.

-Stop waiting for him after training
-Stop running to him first after wins
-Stop staring.
-Stop praying about him

Lamine stared at the notebook.

He did not realize all of them were about Pau.

His hands clenched into fists around the notebook before he threw it across the room.

He was so fucked.

· · ─────── ·𖥸· ─────── · ·

Pau had texted him earlier, wanting to know if he would come over for dinner, as his parents were in town.

Lamine loved Pau's parents, maybe even a little more than his own.

Pau's parents were almost completely the exact opposite of Lamines – they were kind, cared openly, and welcomed him whenever he needed someone.

A little while later Lamine found himself pulling into the familiar driveway of Pau's home, which he shared with his sister, Irene, so she could be closer to her university. The drive there was muscle memory, he spent the whole time figuring out ways to stay as far away from Pau as he could without someone questioning it.

He locked his car and walked up to the door, ringing the bell. Pau's mom must've been waiting at the door, because she immediately opened it and squealed happily at him.

“Lamine! Oh it's so good to see you, cariño! It's been so long!”

She said, pulling him tightly into a hug, leaving no room for argument.

Lamine would probably never tell anyone, but Pau's parents filled a part of the longing in his heart – one his parents could never fill.

She pinched his cheek affectionately before ushering him inside

“How's football, hm? Eating enough? Oh look at you… You look a little frail…”

She bickered, looking him up and down. Somewhere in the distance someone groaned.

“Mami… he's fine.” It was the familiar voice of Pau, who was in the kitchen helping his dad make paella.

Lamine couldn't help the way his heart lurched again, as his eyes met pau's.

The familiar light of his eyes appeared again in his soul – and for once – he could almost make out his heart in the distance.

Pau grinned at him before turning back to the paella.

Lamine blinked. Why must he be so helplessly in love with someone he could never have?

Why must he choose to be shamed by everyone he knows, or be free?

Soon the house filled with the delicious scents of homemade food, and Lamine and Pau's family gathered around the dinner table.

Lamine wished for times like this, a silent ache in his heart every time he ate at his own dinner table.

Tense and unwelcome.

After another screaming match, Lamine in his room, covering the ears of his little brother, Keyne, whilst trying to keep back his own tears.

For the first time in a while, his hands didn't shake as they reached for the bread, he didn't overthink before he spoke, and he actually laughed at times.

He felt every brush of Pau's hand on his arm as he reached for food, every bump of the knee. He had been silently trying to distance himself from Pau, moving over subtly.

He did not want to feel like this anymore, he would not give into the monstrous thoughts his mom spoke so negatively of.

When the sun felt beyond the horizon, Lamine prayed for a different thing for the first time in 2 years.

“Please, Allah. Let him hate me… Let him disappear from my life.”

He cried himself to sleep again. He doesn't know the last time he got a night's worth of sleep. He was too focused on praying harder and harder, hoping this would show Allah, hoping he would finally listen to his pleas.

· · ─────── ·𖥸· ─────── · ·

He didn't know when it happened, but he started avoiding Pau during practices.

He stopped picking him for his partner, instead going with Raphinha or Balde. He wouldn't look back at Pau, he couldn't. He couldn't take looking at the hurt in his eyes or the way his mouth curved into that frown Lamine swore actually stabbed his heart as he walked straight past him without acknowledging him. He built up his walls so high, but he feared one look at those bright green eyes would cause them to break and tumble over easily.

He started talking to him less too, giving short responses to him whenever he talked to him until he left, his eyes glued to the floor. Always finding excuses to back out of conversations if Lamine joined, or responding gruffly to people's pity with

“I'm fine.”

He was not fine.

Dani and Gavi noticed. Of course they did. You couldn't get anything past those two.

Dani cornered Lamine in the locker room when everyone left, standing in front of the bench Lamine was sitting off as he was playing with his hoodie and staring off into space instead of putting it on.

Dani looked at him,a worried look spilling across his features. Dani never worried.

“Lamine. Are you okay?”

Are you okay?

Those 3 simple words, yet somehow coming from Dani, he almost broke. He almost told him everything. Told him the pressures from his family, the disgusting thoughts he had about other men, how he didn't know how much longer he could take it. But the words clung to the back of his throat, creating a lump that wouldn't go away.

Refusing to let go.

Lamine just stared back at him, shaking his head

“Dani, I'm fine. Really. You don't need to worry about me”

He plastered on that warm smile that didn't feel very warm right now, knowing they both knew it wasn't real. They both knew Lamine wasn't telling him something, something that could break Lamine into bits and pieces.

Dani stared at him for a couple more seconds before nodding.

“Okay, Lami. You know you can always come to me, I'm always here for you” He said in the soft tone that almost made Lamine want to retract everything he just said and confess to everything, anything, but he didn't think he could handle seeing Dani's face after.

He just bit his tongue and nodded, blinking back his suddenly watery eyes and Dani gazed at him once more before leaving.

Lamine cried that day in the locker room.

And he cried that night, praying.

· · ─────── ·𖥸· ─────── · ·

Lamine continued this for weeks, the avoidance grew stronger. He began not responding to Pau's texts, or flat out ignoring when he tried to initiate conversations.

Lamine still would not look him in the eye, knowing that if he saw the hurt he caused to Pau – he doesn't know what restraint he would have left not to break down.

It was an especially rough week, Barça had lost their match, and Lamines ignorance reached an all time peak.

Pau couldn't take it anymore. He found Lamine after practice and stopped him in a secluded hallway rarely used by players.

“Lamine. Lamine, look at me. What the hell is going on with you? Why have you been avoiding me for weeks?” Pau uttered to him in a low voice, his voice cracking slightly on the last word. Lamine could hear the helplessness and desperation in his voice. He almost cracked.

Almost.

“I haven't” Lamine responded stiffly, barely meeting his eyes.

Pau almost bitterly laughed at that, instead opting for a heavy sigh.

“Don't lie to me.”

Lamine felt his fingers twitch, and the familiar sense of heat rising in his face and throat before he cried.

“I want you to tell me why you're avoiding me, Lami. I'm your best friend. Why can't you suddenly not stand being around me?”

Best friend. Pau was his best friend. That's why he can't tell him the truth.

“Maybe I just realized I have other friends…” Lamine replied quietly.

Pau scoffs slightly, and Lamine could feel the hurt radiating off of him from the spot his eyes were stuck to on the floor.

Pau backed off and stared at him for a second, silently hoping he was joking, before muttering,

“Whatever”

under his breath and leaving, presumably going back to the locker room.

Lamine had officially gotten rid of the problem, Allah had finally listened to his pleads.

So why does it hurt so much?

Why isn't he happy?

Why doesn't it feel good inside?

That night Lamine stared at Pau's contact for 10 minutes.

Ten minutes he stared at the name “CUBAA” in his phone, his hand slightly shaking as he gripped the sides of his phone harder. Before clicking the block button and turning off his phone.

This was the right decision to make, right?

That night he prayed harder than he had ever prayed before.

· · ─────── ·𖥸· ─────── · ·

Lamine spent most of his time in his room the next few weeks. He only got out of bed for practices, and even then he barely interacted with his teammates – always finding excuses to leave conversations. He especially stayed away from Pau.

Every time he closed his eyes, he saw that hurt expression on his face.

His teammates worried, of course they did. But Lamine pushed them further and further away, until he became isolated from everyone else. He spent his days in bed. He was too tired to do anything. Too tired to be productive, too tired to play games, too tired to even look at his phone, which sat untouched on his desk since last night.

He stared at the walls for hours, missing meals, watching the days tick by. He didn't know what was wrong with him. He had done the right thing. He had done as his mother said, he prayed harder and harder, breaking his bond with Pau to strengthen his bond with Allah. So why wasn't it working? Why, after all this time, does he still miss Pau's smile, the warm feeling he got in his chest from looking at him, and why – most of all – does he miss his friendship?

Every time he closed his eyes, Pau was there. Practically engraved in his mind. The emptiness could no longer be contained. The door in his soul opened all the way, light shone in every corner of the room. The room was as bright as it could get. His heart felt the farthest from his soul. He felt as though his heart was beating merely to keep him alive. Sending countless pleas into the darkness, only receiving back the echoes of its cries.

He started slowing down during football practices, the only place he thought he could escape from reality. Slower passes, getting distracted easily, making stupid mistakes. His teammates noticed, Flick noticed.

Flick would holler at him,

“Yamal! You're slowing down! Pick up the pace!”

Or

“Yamal! Stop making easy mistakes and get your head in the game.”

He had no strength in him to argue, just obediently nodded his head as pushes himself harder. How could he confess to anyone that he can't fix it? That he is broken beyond repair? How could he confess to someone that he lost everything he loved in his life, and he doesn't know if there's anything worth doing anymore?

During a scrimmage match, Pau is running down the pitch with the ball, following the midfielders with his eyes as he looks to pass. He almost instinctively shot the ball to his left. Why?

Lamine was always to his left.

Lamine always stayed close so Pau could pass when defenders closed in on him.

But today he wasn't there. In fact, he was nowhere near him. Pau ended up passing to Pedri, who stood somewhere on his right.

After practice Gavi gingerly walked up to Lamine in the locker room, smiling at him.

“Lamine!! Coming to dinner? We missed you last time.”

Pau discretely glanced up from his locker, watching Lamine. He watched the way Lamine tensed up, hesitating for a split second before shaking his head.

“No.”

Gavi frowned at him. Gavi could see in his body language something was wrong. The way he gripped the fabric of his training kit a little too hard, or the way he clenched his jaw before speaking.

“You always say no.” Gavi said, quieter this time, his voice giving way to a twinge of hurt. He didn't miss the slight twitch of Lamine's eye.

“I'm tired.” Lamine responded stiffly, finishing putting on his shirt before abruptly standing and grabbing his things.

Gavi watched him from his spot in front of him, his eyebrows furrowing slightly together as his eyes tracked Lamine the whole way to the door.

Outside, Lamine wiped his eyes harshly as he refused to make eye contact with any of the staff and he continued walking to his car. He got what he wanted. So why does doing the right thing feel so bad?

· · ─────── ·𖥸· ─────── · ·

It happened so fast. One minute they were in position to defend against a corner kick from the opposing team, Athletic Bilbao, the next, the player kicked the ball and Pau jumped up for the header. Lamine was positioned a couple players away from Pau, but he saw the whole thing. Instead of the ball, Pau's head collided with another defender. Hard. They both went down, Pau gasped as he held his head, his eyes squeezed shut as he tried not to scream in pain on the ground, the start of a nosebleed dripping down his face.

Lamine felt frozen. He couldn't move from his spot on the turf as the ref blew his whistle, and medics soon rushed onto the field. He didn't move as Pau got taken off the field. He didn't move as he heard snippets of the medics conversation with the ref.

“Likely a concussion.”

“Out for the rest of the game.”

He felt frozen until there was a hand on his shoulder. It was Balde. He looked at Lamine concerningly – an eyebrow raised. Lamine jumped slightly at the contact but quickly schooled his face into something somewhat neutral

“You good, hermano? They’re about to start the game back up.”

Lamine blinked at him before snapping back into reality. He hastily nodded his head and cleared his throat.

“Yeah, yeah. I'm good. I'm fine.” He said before finally picking up his feet, which felt oddly heavy now.

He spent the rest of the game thinking about Pau. Thinking about the exact moment Pau's head collided with the defenseman from Bilbao, thinking about the image of him on the floor, holding his head and his eyes shut tight.

He mechanically got dressed in the locker room, meeting nobody’s eyes. Counting down the minutes from which he'd be able to see Pau. He was still unsure if he could bear the sight of him, though. He could already feel his perfectly constructed walls cracking.

Soon he was finally able to see Pau, alone. He raced through the medic wing in the stadium, his nose filled with the scent of alcohol and metal. He got to the door that Pau lay behind. And for the first time since he entered the wing, he hesitated.

He looked down at the doorknob, his hand slightly shaking as it stilled just before palming the cool metal. Was he really going to do this? This was not a good idea. He would be going against his mother's word, against the things he prayed everyday to go away, he would be letting everyone dow-

He opened the door.

Pau laid on a stiff hospital bed inside, he clutched an ice pack to his head as he squinted and looked up to see who just walked in. Lamine could've crumbled just at the sight of Pau. He looked…

Defeated.

Lamine had never seen him look so tired before.

As Pau's eyes met Lamine’s, he barely felt the warmth – now, it was just a dull throb in his chest. Pau frowned slightly at him, the one thing Lamine didn't know if he could take it if it crossed Pau's pretty features. There was still dried blood near his cupid's bow, and some on his kit.

The light in Pau's eyes fizzled out.

The room got brighter somehow.

His soul lost its only guide out of the pit, back to his heart.

Lamine stopped next to the bed, his gaze dropping solemnly. He wanted to scream, he wanted to yell. He wanted to confess everything that has been weighing him down, how he was letting everyone down, how he was in love with him, and how he was scared,

So scared

Of losing Pau because of his thoughts.

But, just like always, they clung to the back of Lamine's throat, not giving in. He tried to swallow his words, but the lump stayed as his hands shook in his pockets, watching Pau on the bed clutch the ice pack a little harder. Refusing to meet his gaze.

Suddenly Pau's disgruntled voice pierced the silence that was so thick – you could practically see it.

“Why are you avoiding me…?”

It was that question again, that stupid question. The question that wanted to make him forget everything and forget the walls he had built and just break down, confessing everything.

Lamine's gaze finally landed on Pau's face, but the brown haired boy's gaze was still fixed on the floor in front of him. He could see the way his bottom lip slightly quivered, or the way he started blinking more.

Silence.

Pau pushed again.

“Why… Lamine…”, the hurt in his voice more evident.

Lamine still stayed silent still – the tension in the room growing with every passing moment.

Pau looked like he was even closer to breaking.

“Please..” Pau said, practically sobbing. Then the first tear finally fell.

Lamine couldn't take it anymore. He didn't care if Pau looked at him disgusted, he didn't care if it meant losing him again, he didn't care if it meant saying goodbye to him forever, if it meant he would cry praying tonight.

“Because I'm in love with you.” Lamine said, his voice wavering oh-so slightly on the last word, like he had to physically fight his restraints to pull the words off his tongue.

Lamine instantly regretted what he said when he saw Pau not look up to finally meet his gaze, when he wouldn't respond. Lamine almost started crying for a different reason.

“I'm sorry…” Lamine said after the beat of silence lasted too long, it started actually hurting him. His voice was quieter now, timid.

Pau finally turned his head and looked up at him. His eyes glassy with tears threatening to spill, the tears that had already descended down his face catching in the light of the room.

“What?”

Lamine closed his eyes, hoping maybe this was a dream. Hoping that maybe when he opened his eyes he would wake up in his bed. He was already imagining the sick look on Pau's face, so he opted not to open his eyes, not for anything.

“I'm sorry…” he said again, his voice getting a bit louder, building up fake confidence he knew would crumble the second Pau turned him away.

But, Pau said something that Lamine hadn't expected him to say.

“Why are you apologizing?”

Lamine's heart thudded loudly against his ribs to the point he was sure Pau could hear it in the deafening silence. The tears he tried so hard to keep from spilling poured out of him like a dam had just broken, finally opening his eyes. His vision blurred with wetness, but he still met Pau's gaze.

“Because I'm not supposed to.” He said, his voice losing all the faux confidence it once had a minute ago. He felt like a kid again. He felt like his younger self, hiding in his room crying whilst his parents yelled from downstairs. He felt weak, he felt wrong, he felt disgust-

He felt a hand push through his thoughts and ground itself on his arm. He tensed at the touch, uncrumpling himself from his hands to look up at Pau, feeling immediately the light come back to his eyes ever so slightly.

“Is that why you've been avoiding me?” Pau said, his own voice rough from silently crying.

Lamine shook his head. He forced himself to say the words that felt bitter on his tongue, the words that would humiliate him. “I thought..” He gasped out “I thought you would hate me… turn away from me… I couldn't lose you Pau, I just couldn't. I can't see myself in a world without you, and if that meant distancing myself from you to keep you safe, so be it…” he almost whispered, a fresh set of tears running down his face.

Pau was crying as well, but Lamine could see the light in his eyes. His heart gave a promising thump, as if sensing the light – calling for his soul.

“Lamine…” Pau whispered, but Lamine couldn't tell the tone of his voice because he said it through tears.

“I thought you'd be disgusted. I'm not supposed to feel like this Pau. I'm not supposed to act on these feelings.” Lamine said, voice quivering as he met Pau's gaze, Pau's arm never leaving him once.

For the first time in Lamine's whole life, the door closed a little instead of opening, creating a shadow in the room that once burned with light.

Even if Pau turned away from him after he knew the twisted truth, the weight on Lamine's chest felt a little lighter.

“Lamine.. Lamine, look at me.” Pau said, the hand that gripped the ice pack now fell from his head, the ice pack landed on the bed with a soft thud. His hand was cold, but Lamine didn't care. He met Pau's gaze, still trying to blink back tears.

Pau's cheeks were wet and flushed, his eyes red with glistening tears. But he didn't look scared, sick, or mad. Lamine spent years preparing himself for the disgusted look just to be met with the complete opposite. He was confused. Did he not hear what he just said? Or… maybe, just maybe, did he not feel grossed out?

“Did you really think I would hate you for this, Lamine? That I would stop being your best friend? Did you ever stop and wonder, maybe if I felt the same way?”

Lamine blinked at him, his lips parting slightly but nothing came out of his mouth. He looked down, suddenly finding the tile beneath his feet very interesting.

“I thought you would.” He whispered softly, Pau almost didn't hear.

Pau shook his head at him, still holding onto him.

“Why?”

Lamine swallowed harshly, blinking back more tears.

“I'm not supposed to like you like this”

There was a heavy beat of silence, but Pau just stared at him.

“That wasn't what I asked, Lamine.”

Lamine heart almost froze at his words, his lips quivered again as he almost let out another sob.

“Because that's was I was taught.”

Pau's shouldered sagged slightly as he continued gazing at Lamine broken form, but not out of pity – out of understanding.

Pau had met Lamines parents before – knew how harsh they were to Lamine, how they pushed him to pray harder and harder, even seeing them yell at him before.

Pau's hands moved from Lamines arm to his shoulders, gently guiding him down to sit on the bed, a little scared Lamine might fall if he cried again.

Then he moved his hands to his face, forcing him to turn and look at Pau. Lamines eyes were red with tears, his breathing still stuttered, and he was still on edge, like he was one rejection away from breaking again.

“Hey, Lami…” Pau started, his green eyes lighting up again, gazing into Lamines big brown eyes, seeing the hardness cracking in his eyes, giving way to the softness Pau always loved.

“I don't hate you. I could never hate you. After all we've been through, I couldn't just drop you like this…” he said, his voice wobbling slightly

Lamine shook his head, trying to turn away but Pau wouldn't let him.

“You don't need to lie to make me feel better” Lamine muttered, but it felt weak even to his ears

“Lamine”

Lamine shook his head a little harsher

“No… I get it, okay? You don't need to feel bad. Please just-”

“Lamine. Lamine I love you too.”

Lamine froze.

What?

What did he just say?

Lamine slowly turned back to face Pau, the light in his eyes returning, and for once…

The pit his soul was stuck in felt shallower – almost as if he could see the sky above.

“Lamine, please. You have to believe me. I don't hate you, I could never hate you. You're my favorite person in the entire world. I look forward to seeing you every day at practice. When you started distancing yourself from me… it hurt. It hurt really bad. I thought I did something wrong, I thought you didn't like me anymore. Please, I don't want to lose you either. You light up my life in ways I didn't think were possible. Youre not a monster, and I don't think your a monster for loving someone” Pau said. Finally confessing to everything.

Lamine broke down again. Not because of sadness.

Because he was relieved.

He was relieved something in his life was going right for the first time.

Through the broken cries, Lamine whispered

“Promise? Please.. Promise you won't leave.. I can't do this without you..”

That almost broke Pau again. He nodded quickly, leaving no room for uncertainty

“I'm not going anywhere.”

· · ─────── ·𖥸· ─────── · ·

Lamine sat in the sterile medic room with Paus hands on his face until his tears dried up and his breathing returned back to normal. The weight on his chest that had been growing throughout his entire life, finally let off a bit.

There was still the uncertainty of his parents, and Lamine was terrified to tell them. But he knew at some point he had to. He would listen to their pleas, listen to their screams, listen to their cries, but inevitably walk away – staring a new journey in his life.

After what seemed like hours there was a soft knock at the door before it opened. And they both recognized the familiar voice of Dani.

“Oh Pau!~” he said in a sing-song voice

“Are you feeling better, I brought Gavi with me-” he and Gavi stopped in their tracks at the sight before them. Lamine on the bed with Pau, his head still in Pau's hands. Dani eyes widened slight before badly suppressed a smirk, raising an eyebrow and turning to Gavi. “I win, you owe me” he said quietly, but still loudly enough for both Lamine and Pau to hear him, before turning back to Lamine and Pau.

“Well, I hate to break up this little… meeting… But, Flick wanted me to come get you. We're heading back to the facility and they want you to get a real medical exam from the doctors.”

Lamine and Pau immediately straightened up, and Pau retracted his hands, clearing his throat.

“Right, yeah. We'll be right there.” He said, a twinge of pink creeping up his neck and onto his cheeks.

· · ─────── ·𖥸· ─────── · ·

Lamine was just going to do it. He was going to bite the bullet and tell his parents how he truly felt.

He wavered at their front door, the negative thoughts started weaseling their way into the brain again. The memories of him as a kid flooding back. The house where he was taught how to live and love. His confidence fell a noticeable amount. He debated leaving, shoving his feelings down like he always did to please his family – but then he remembered Pau.

“You don't have to be afraid, I don't hate you”

His soft voice ringing in his ears as he pushed the thoughts of leaving away.

He had spent his whole life being scared of people.

Right now, he had to show himself that he didn't need to be afraid anymore, not of the world, his family, or even himself any longer.

He raised his hand to the glowing doorbell, hesitating,

Once,

Twice,

Before finally pushing it.

He shoved his hands in his pockets to stop himself from fidgeting as he waiting, already a little on edge. Soon he heard the lock click out of place and the door opening, revealing the familiar face of his mom. Her confused expression immediately giving way to something softer, she hadn't been expecting him.

“Lamine?” She said, a confused edge to her voice

Lamine swallowed harshly. Meeting her gaze, his hands unconsciously clenching in his pockets.

“Hi mamá.” he said, his voice giving nothing away, yet.

She tilted her head slightly to the side, pursing her lips like she always did when she knew something was wrong.

“What are you doing here?”

Lamine cleared his throat, a nervous habit.

“Can I come in?”

She paused for a second before stepping to the side without another question.

“Of course, whats wrong mijo?”

Lamine didn't answer, just stepped into the house which felt strangely,

Normal.

His little brother Keyne in the living room with his father, both smiling. He doesn't remember the last time he's seen his father smile like that.

He didn't have much time to dwell on it because his mom was pushing him to the kitchen.

“Come, come. Have you eaten today cariño? You look a little pale. Have you been sleeping well?” She drones on, already grabbing things from the kitchen. Lamine just leaned against the counter, mentally preparing himself. But, a small part of him wonders if his parents have changed. It felt so normal in this house – maybe, just maybe, they won't freak out?

He took a deep breath before speaking.

“Mamá?” He said, his voice quieter than he wanted.

She looked up for a second before busying herself with preparing food again.

“Yes, mijo?”

She said, grabbing a plate from the cabinet.

“Can we… Talk?” He said, finally flicking his gaze up to where she stood on the other side of the counter, food in hand. Her movements froze for a second before she continued like nothing happened.

“it's kinda of important.” He added, noticing how she wouldn't meet his gaze.

Soon she plated the food and brought it to the dining table.

“Of course, Lamine. Eat.”

She said, sitting down across the table from him.

Lamine slid into the chair where the plated food sat, lowering his gaze to the food once before meeting his mother's eyes again. He could feel the worry in her gaze, he always could.

“Mamá…”

This got her to furrow her eyebrows together, looking at him with a gaze of confusion mixed with worry, and something else Lamine couldn't place.

“Lamine? Whats wrong.”

Lamine didn't feel like crying. He felt so numb around his parents, that he just let's the words tumble out of his mouth.

“I'm sorry mamá. I did everything you said. I prayed harder and harder, I begged for years for Allah to make me normal, I tried to push the thoughts away.”

This got his mom to look at him with more fear than anything, but he didn't let her speak.

“I thought if I prayed hard enough, I would turn into the son you wanted, the son you deserved. But now… now I don't really care what you think. Ive spent my whole life fearing what would happen if I stepped out of line, fearing you and Papa. But now, I don't feel anything around you. It feels to normal in this house, after going through what you guys did, I don't care what you say.”

Lamine took a deep breath, his soul finally reaching that light that was going to guide it home.

“I'm gay, mamá.”

And with that, his soul crawled out of the pit it's spent Lamines entire life buried in.

Finally,

Finally being able to start the long awaited journey back to his heart.

The silence stretched for a painful amount of time, but Lamine held his ground.

His father from the living room stopped playing with Keyne, looking over at them.

His mom looked at him in shock, before finally responding – Lamine could already heard the disgusted tone in her voice.

“you know we love you Lamine…”

She hesitated,

“But you can't act on it, I won't allow it and neither will Allah.”

Thats all the confirmation Lamine needed. He stood up abruptly.

“Then you don't love me” he bit out, harshly.

His mom blinked at him. “Lamine-”

“No.” He snapped

“You love your idea of me” he said in a quieter tone, before turning back towards the door and leaving, ignoring his moms protests and cries as he left.

As soon as he stepped back outside into the chilly February air, he took the first real breath in a while. The weight on his chest got lighter, but still nagged at him.

That night he cried in Pau's arms in his room.

That night the door closes significantly, now it hid half of the face of the thing in the corner of the room.

That night he found out how it felt to have loving parents, eating his first homemade meal with a genuine smile on his face for the first time in months.

· · ─────── ·𖥸· ─────── · ·

Over the next 2 years, Lamine started letting go.

At first, it was small things, like forgetting to pray in the morning, then at night, then all together. He found himself leaving Friday sermons early, then stopped going together.

The tasbih beads he onced clutched tightly in his hands found it's place in Lamines nightstand drawer, a reminder of his identity – but not needed any longer.

At first, it felt wrong. It felt wrong letting go Lamine spent most of his life following. He would stare at the ceiling at night wondering if he was making the worst decision of his life, but he let go of those thoughts, knowing he would be alright when Pau would return and lay next to him in bed.

Pau's touches at first still frightened him at first. Every press of his lips against his felt wrong, every graze of his fingertips felt weird. But, Pau would whisper in his ear, telling him it was alright before Lamine got lost in the pleasure, giving in entirely.

And eventually, Lamine wanted it no other way.

His fearful prayers became less and less over time until they vanished.

He stopped begging to be normal

Stopped asking for guidance.

The door was still there,

The room still existed, but now – the light no longer stung.

And when Lamine looked toward the corner, there was no monster waiting for him.

Only the frightened little boy who had spent years believing he deserved to be one.

But now, Lamine stood at a different door. He stood at the door of Pau's parents house. His cheeks bitten from the chilly December wind, but he felt the warmth of pau's hand against his as Pau's mother greeted the door, hugging them both tightly, and only then did Lamine realize he was exactly where he wanted to be.

He spent Christsmas day with the people that mattered to Lamine most.

His boyfriend, Pau,

And the family Lamine never had growing up.

A little while later he lay against Pau in the living room, his head rested against his shoulder whilst Pau's parents laughed in the kitchen, watching a Christmas movie on the television.

The Christmas lights twinkled outside as it started to snow. The Christmas tree inside decorated well, presents sat under the tree. Lamine even has his own stocking – right next to Pau's.

This is the love Lamine spent his whole childhood searching for.

For the first time, his heart and soul were in the same place.

This was Lamines romance movie.