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I should put it all behind me, shouldn’t I?
But I see her in back of my mind
All the time
Like a fever, like I’m burning alive
Like a sign
Did I cross the line?
— Wildflower by Billie Eilish
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As the last bit of daylight disappears and night falls, Zuko returns to his bedroom chamber. He shuts the door behind him, and rests his back against it, letting out a heavy sigh of relief after the day he's had. On the surface, one could say that his first date out with Mai since returning to the Fire Nation nearly a month ago went decently well. But a part of him, would say otherwise.
Zuko is aware that she had a crush on him when they were kids, through the not-so subtle teasing comments from Azula in the past. He remembers developing a crush on Mai back then as well, often feeling flustered whenever she would visit the palace to spend time with his sister. However, it came to him as a surprise that she still liked him now, years later; more so with disbelief of anyone having romantic feelings for him at all.
He could tell that Mai still has a soft spot for him under the emotionless exterior she presents to everyone else. It was evident the way she would stick around to check on him during the journey back home from Ba Sing Se. But at the time, Zuko was too mentally disconnected from the present, and emotionally detached to actually notice. Zuko didn't expect his decision to side with Azula to make him feel that way if it was the right choice… but he convinced himself to just leave it alone. He just kept reminding himself it was for the best, and for the sake of his family.
And so, it wasn't until the date they just went on, that showed him that Mai's feelings about him haven't changed. However, when it came to his own feelings about her, something just doesn't feel the same way as it did before… and it puzzles Zuko as to why.
I just haven't been around Mai in a few years, Zuko tells himself, attempting to make sense of his emotions toward Mai. We've never even gone on a date before.
Gradually, he is reminded of his date with Jin back in Ba Sing Se. She was the first person he's ever gone on an official date with. Zuko remembers her straight-forwardness and curiosity to learn more about him, despite his awkward responses and nervous fidgeting. He recalls holding Jin's hand as she pulled him along through the streets to the stone fountain, and the quick kiss that was exchanged between them while surrounded by the lamps he sneakily lit in the dark while her eyes were closed. That kiss made him retreat and reluctantly leave right away, as Zuko was afraid of either one of them to develop feelings for each other when he knew it was fleeting. He knew that was just a one time date; a single moment in time that was part of a reality that he could never have as long as his true identity was a secret. Jin didn't know the real him, and that felt somewhat comforting. It was as if his past didn't matter, and he wasn't just some banished, weak prince of the Fire Nation that got deliberately burned by his own father.
Zuko focuses back onto the present, and debriefs in his mind his date with Mai as he changes out of his royal attire, and into his sleep clothes for bed.
They had a picnic while watching the sunset in an isolated spot away from the palace, with the view of the city in front of them. Mai comfortably rested her head on his shoulder at one point, and she eventually leaned in to kiss him first. He hesitated to lean in too, and let her softly kiss his lips. Although Zuko kissed her back, he hates to admit that he didn't feel anything. He really thought he would, so he became instantly guilty that he felt no spark, with no heartbeat skipping out of joy. He was glad for once Azula interrupted their date and their kiss, making Mai go away with some minor excuse about helping Ty Lee with something trivial. Besides the date being cut short, Zuko thinks it went well otherwise. It was a picture perfect date… so why didn't it feel like it?
I feel weird for no reason, I need to get a grip. Zuko huffs in frustration, and forces himself to get over it as he slips under the covers of his bed. He uncomfortably shifts in place, finding it excruciatingly difficult to get in a relaxing enough sleeping position. Eventually, he settles with lying on his side and remains still, focusing on creating slow, even breaths. Zuko gradually senses himself finally falling asleep, and he begins to dream.
⋅⋆˚₊ ☽˚.⋆⋅
Zuko finds himself wandering aimlessly alone in the city of Caldera, while the moon is high, illuminating the dark sky above. He wears his royal robes, and his hair in a topknot with his gold flame ornament secured in place. It was suspiciously way too silent as he turns the corner of a dark alley, and suddenly is attacked from behind by someone. Zuko grabs hold of the person's arms firmly and throws them in front of him a few feet away. He immediately creates a flame in his palm to see who attacked him, and sees that they are dressed like the Dai Li. Zuko also notices that the buildings around them have transformed in a way that resembles the Lower Ring of the Earth Kingdom.
Instead of using his firebending, Zuko reaches for his dual broadswords that miraculously appeared secured to his back. He barely notices his red robes turned into the same black clothing he would wear as the Blue Spirit. Zuko feels his mask hanging behind his head as he prepares to fight his attacker with his swords.
The Dai Li agent abruptly creates a large block of earth and launches it toward Zuko with great force to give them time to run away. Fuming, Zuko chases them through multiple, empty alleyways that have an air of familiarity to him. The man continues to sprint too fast for him and creates various obstacles of Earth to slow him down, but Zuko's rising adrenaline sustains his determination to catch up to them regardless.
While the Dai Li is still too far ahead of him, Zuko sees a large cloud of mist appear out of nowhere in front of the agent and he watches as the man runs straight into it. Zuko can hear faint grunts of a struggle that become louder as he gets closer, like someone else is fighting the Dai Li within the cloud. Zuko skids to a stop before the mist, only able to see silhouettes of two figures fighting fiercely against each other. Gradually the mist evaporates, and Zuko catches a glimpse of a dark red dress and hat with a transparent veil attached.
The Painted Lady stands in front of the Dai Li, having frozen them in place, with the ice engulfing their entire body, except for their head. Zuko realizes it's just like how Katara did with him during their battle in the Northern Water Tribe months ago. Zuko watches as the Dai Li wrestles helplessly to free themself, but there's no use.
"K-Katara?" Zuko calls out from a distance, stunned by her presence. He hasn't seen her in weeks at this point, and a part of him feels slight relief to see her.
The Painted Lady doesn't speak, and tilts her head toward Zuko, eyeing him from the side with strong intensity. She begins to approach Zuko slowly, ignoring the Dai Li's pleas to set them free. She stops to stand a few feet away in front of Zuko.
"I thought you had changed…" Katara's voice speaks softly through the space between where the veil doesn't cover her face.
"I-I'm trying." Zuko says with a hint of desperation, starting to feel like he has said these words to her in the same exact way before.
"I don't think so!" Katara retorts angrily. She suddenly bends a stream of water with immense force his way, and he barely dodges in time.
Katara steps even closer to Zuko and forms multiple ice spears in mid-air, targeting him from different angles. "Why would I ever trust anything you say after what you just did?!"
Zuko blocks her ice attacks being hurled at him with his swords and eventually stumbles onto the ground. She takes the opportunity to freeze his legs and arms onto the concrete. Zuko huffs in exasperation with smoke escaping his nostrils as she walks toward him intimidatingly. Katara quickly creates an ice dagger in her hand, and stands over him as he moves against his restraint.
"You are the Fire lord's son, spreading violence and hatred runs in your blood." Katara lashes at him with the same words that Zuko recalls her saying in the crystal caves. He grunts through clenched teeth as she bends down and presses the ice dagger to his throat, with her face mere inches away from his. "You are beyond the good I ever saw in you.
Zuko becomes desperate to tell her she's wrong, that there is good in him. He wants to explain the reason that led him to betray her in the crystal caves, in hopes that she would understand that did it for his family, and to keep his promise to his mother that he would stick by his sister no matter what — but the words just wouldn't come out. He has seen Katara enraged at him countless times, but there was something different about the way she looks at him now with her blue eyes so furiously. Zuko couldn't help the thought that came to mind for a split second; noticing how beautiful she is despite the hatred written all over her face.
Right as Katara pulls back and prepares to stab his throat with the ice dagger, everything around them disintegrates and collapses into darkness. Zuko lets out a panicked scream as he falls through the ground, descending further and further into the unknown below them. Zuko calls out Katara's name even though if he's unsure she's still there with him, but he hears no response nor a different scream besides his own.
Abruptly, Zuko hits solid ground and winces at the sudden impact, with sharp pain spreading throughout his back. He groans as he tries to get up, and notices bits of green sparkling in the dark around him, and Zuko realizes he's back in the same crystal cave prison cell he was trapped in with Katara in Ba Sing Se. He then spots his Blue Spirit mask lying on the ground away from him, broken in half, assuming it was due to impact of the fall.
All of a sudden, Zuko watches a green flower stem emerge from a crack in the ground in front of him, wondering how that could be possible for something to grow so immediately, and without dirt, water, or sunlight. He is astounded to see it fully blooms into a Painted Lady flower, as he has never actually came across one since the play he watched with his mother as a young kid. He admires its delicate white petals and the contrast of the dark red outline along the tips, bringing him a sense of serenity that settles within him. Zuko reaches out carefully toward the flower, but it begins to wilt before he could touch it, transforming his calmness into instant unease and despair.
"It must be nice to be home." Katara's voice, solemn in its tone, carries quietly from the opposite side of the cell, startling Zuko. As the crystals surrounding them softly illuminates where they are, he can make out that her back is facing him while crouched near the barred door with her arms hugging her knees close to her chest.
Zuko carefully props himself up on his forearm, and looks over at her as the glow of the crystals brighten slightly. He realizes that Katara is no longer in her Painted Lady disguise, and is instead in her water tribe attire, with her long wavy hair without a tangle in sight, as if she didn't fall through the ground with him.
"You have everything you could ever want," Katara speaks to him in a scarily calm, indifferent tone. "A comfy bed to lie on every night, servants at your beck and call, the safety of the palace to protect you from harm."
Zuko's jaw tenses up, as his eyes dart away from her, riddled with the guilt he shoved deep down inside of himself ever since he returned to the Fire Nation, rising to the surface.
"Being reunited with your family, regaining your honor, the glory of sitting next to your father, the Fire Lord…" Katara continues listing reasons to Zuko. "Being the beloved Prince of Fire Nation, and destined heir to the throne."
Troubled with having to confront these truths of the life he lives now and has returned to, Zuko feels even more discomfort when it's specifically Katara making him do so. He realizes that what she mentioned are all things he shouldn't take for granted, nor should he feel anything but content, satisfied, and happy about. And yet, there's something missing, something he feels he's devoid of within himself…
Zuko assumed his decision in Ba Sing Se should've fulfilled and solved all his issues, as well as dissolve his inner turmoil. But he was scared to grapple with the possibility that he might've made a terrible mistake.
Attempting to gather his thoughts to figure out a response for Katara, he takes a deep breath in and out.
"I don't think this is what I wanted… I-I thought I did but…" The words started to spill out of Zuko, before he could stop them. This confession hid in the depth of his mind for awhile now, but he would repeatedly dismiss it. He was afraid of acknowledging it entirely would actually make it true, and make him feel even more regret and distress about the choice he made. Something about being in the crystal caves again with Katara lured him to be vulnerable, open and honest, just like before.
"You had the ability to choose." Katara interrupts, as she slowly stands up and turns to face Zuko. He looks up at her and notices the mix of disappointment and resentment in her expression, along with the smears of red paint still on her cheeks and the golden crescent moon on her forehead. "You made your decision, and you let Azula kill Aang."
"I never wanted him to die." Zuko corrects her, and stands up immediately, infuriated at her for assuming he did. He is too caught up in his emotions right now to realize his anger is more pointed at himself for not preventing Azula from striking the Avatar with lightning.
"Then what did you want, Zuko?" Katara spat, walking closer to him. "Hm?"
Zuko's heart begins to beat faster in his chest, and he stood frozen in place just by her icy glare. He avoids admitting that his decision was rather impulsive, and that he didn't have a straight answer for what he wanted.
"I am not like my sister…" Zuko seethes, staring back at Katara, dodging her question.
"Then who are you, really?" Katara challenges him, taking another step toward him. "That same person that I fought with in Ba Sing Se, against the Dai Li and protecting those that were helpless? Is that who you really are?"
"Yes! You know that to be true." Zuko shouts, hearing his voice echo against the walls, then his tone softens. "You witnessed that, all with your own eyes."
"Oh right, because you're also the exact same person that spared Aang's life as the Blue Spirit when Zhao captured him." Katara adds with sarcasm, but Zuko is taken aback that she knows that happened when she wasn't even there, making him wonder if the Avatar must've told her about it.
Katara scoffs as he remains silent. "But that was for your own selfish reason."
"I wasn't being selfish this time!" Zuko defends himself, while rage builds up inside again, as his hands clench into tight fists.
"Sure you were." Katara narrows her eyes in disbelief and shoves past his shoulder roughly with hers, taking a few steps away from him. Zuko lets out a heavy exhale, feeling immensely discouraged from bothering to even attempt to explain himself because it doesn't seem like she cares to hear him out, no matter what he may say.
"You also have a pretty girl that seems to like you very much." Katara taunts him as she switches the topic, with her back facing him and only the side of her face in his view.
"How did you—" Zuko starts to say, with his brow furrowed and blinking rapidly in shock since he has never mentioned Mai to her before.
"But it doesn't seem like you reciprocate." Katara cuts him off, turning toward him fully.
Zuko's anger suddenly falters as her words articulate what he isn't ready to confess out loud, rendering him speechless as if it was like she could read his mind.
"Now, why is that?" Katara scrutinizing him with another question, tilting her head to the side slightly with curiosity. Zuko still doesn't have a clear reason for why he doesn't like Mai the same way she likes him. Being asked this by Katara out of all people feels intrusive and wrong.
But then, an unexpected thought slips into his mind, tempting him to say: Because she's not you.
Zuko bites the inside of his bottom lip, deciding against it, as he believes that to be such an outlandish thing to think or say right now. He couldn't possibly feel that way about Katara — his enemy. It's all they ever were since they first encountered one another, and considering all that has happened recently, it appears like that is all they will ever be. He blames stupid teenage hormones making him feel something less platonic about the girl standing in front of him that showed him a kindness no one else ever has by offering to heal his scar…
"I've been away from home for so long," Zuko admits part of the truth, trying to lure himself out of his confusing thoughts about Katara. "That everything just feels… different."
I feel different. He thinks to himself. He grows uncertain if it's for the better or worse.
"A home that doesn't feel like home anymore to the banished prince, who strayed so far from his family for too long that he begins to change within..." Katara ponders aloud, circling Zuko slowly. "Does it really explain why you don't like Mai back?"
Zuko's eyes widen, wondering how she even knows Mai, and why Katara is prying so much right now, and is talking in a way that's so unlike herself. Why does she want to know so badly?
"S-stop asking me these questions!" Zuko demands, a mix of fury and despair intertwined in his voice. "Why don't you just believe me?!"
A smirk tugs at the corner of Katara's lips as she stops in her tracks, and she approaches him closer than before. She lessens the distance between them until Zuko can clearly see her blue eyes and the glimmer of the crystals reflecting within them. Her intense glare taunts him in a way that makes his skin crawl, but then gradually creates a chill that makes his skin prickle with intrigue.
"Do you even believe yourself?"
⋅⋆˚₊ ☽˚.⋆⋅
Zuko jolts awake in a cold sweat, instantly sitting up with his heart pounding in his chest. Upon realizing it was all a dream, he tries to calm his breathing, while his mind ruminates the last moment of it with Katara. He begins to recall his real life memory of being trapped in the crystal caves with Katara over a month ago; the first time he's ever seen them so close.
He finds himself missing the softness in Katara's eyes when she offered to heal his scar with her spirit water, so unlike the enraged stare from her at the end of his dream he just experienced. A part of Zuko started to long for it again, and to feel her gentle touch on his face once more…
Irritated by the new mess of thoughts swimming inside his mind in contrast to what already troubled him before he slept, Zuko tosses and turns in bed again furiously. Overwhelmed with the struggle to discern what happened in his dream and how it may connect to reality, Zuko forces himself to forget the dream completely and hopes to sleep again without another one that his unconscious mind wants to conjure up out of thin air.
My mind is playing tricks on me… none of it truly means anything.
It can't mean anything.
One last thought tugs at him in his brain before going back to sleep, as he wonders why he can faintly recall feeling a small spark with Katara in his dream when they didn't even kiss, nor did they even touch. Zuko attempts to dismiss what that spark was and what it could possibly mean because he simply has no explanation for it, on the surface, and underneath. He refuses to allow himself to wonder about this more than he needs to if it was only just a dream.