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What it takes to discover and accept (who you are)

Summary:

Inspired by another fanfiction that I read which is basically: Sai is autistic but doesn't realize it because the Nanami Conglomerate was very ableist.

Senkuu is also autistic and recognizes a lot of the signs.

Senkuu helps Sai discover and accept his autism.

Notes:

Please read their fic because it is quiet well done and I very much enjoyed it!

Also, I am not a psychologist/medical professional and am not qualified to state the facts as 100% accurate. This is based off my experiences and what I've read, there is hopefully no harmful misinformation though my facts are most probably, not the most accurate. If you notice something wrong, feel free to tell me in the comments and I will fix it :D

I have an Unofficial Beta, curtesy of my wonderful Sibling!!

Say something funny oh great Beta reader of mine!! :
Sai is unintentionally the authors favorite character plus child, Gen is mine, no one will take him from me, also I have an obsession with this fandom and other anime's, MUAHHAHAHHAHA I WILL RETURN PEASANTS, GREAT BETA READER OF AUTHOR OUT!! >:3

(See the end of the work for more notes.)

Work Text:

Sai joining up with the Kingdom of Science was a large step forward because his skill with math was so necessary, for the only people truly adept at math originally, were Senku and Chrome. Senkuu felt less comfortable in utilizing Sai's skills after it was revealed that he didn't really like math, but with the promise that he would be able to create computers that would allow Sai to code, a hobby that he seemed much more passionate about, Sai willingly agreed to help with the calculations. Until they made calculators (which was on the list) Sai would majorly help with building the machines to further progress the rocket's construction.

As Senku began collaborating with Sai on upcoming projects, he noticed small habits that included muttering under his breath during intense concentration, how Sai preferred to be isolated besides when Ryuusui decided to visit at night for chess matches, and the fidgeting. Sai fidgeted constantly and when he was with a group or discussing projects alone with Senku, the fidgeting was usually something as small as him bouncing his foot, tapping his finger on his arm or desk, or some other form of small, but constant, movement. When Sai was deeply focused, whether in crowds or just with Senku, his fidgeting pertained more to light rocking, bouncing his head, or simply moving his mouth without making any noise, as if he was sounding out a speech but never had the strength to actually say it aloud.

Once or twice, during moments where Senku found Sai alone, whether it was to inform him of meals or ask a question, he noticed the movements were more akin to stimming, Senkuu noticed that he had such a different air to him when he was alone, and that air held a strange familiarity. His hands were moving, always, writing out code in the notebook Senku commissioned Kaseki to make for him, simply shaking fast or moving in small ways like mechanical parts in a robot's system, and hand flapping. From the few observations Senku had been able to make, for he never liked eavesdropping, the hand flapping came last, and lasted for up to 15 seconds, and then after, Sai would continue at a general pace and the movement would die down. It was then that Senku would step back and announce his presence so as to not make Sai panic, there was probably a reason why he didn't fidget openly around others.

Due to the nature of the stimming, Senku concluded that Sai is most probably neurodivergent, somewhere on the Autism spectrum were he to guess. His evidence is simply that, he would know, he was diagnosed young and recognized the signs. While he had never cared about the label in particular, he knew that it wasn't just a word, and in fact a description on how his brain is wired differently. It allows him to process thoughts and events differently, and it makes him sensitive as all hell to physical contact of any type, although he never minded touch from his old man. Adding on the fact that the Oaf thrives on contact, Senku's used to their touch, but apart from that, nope, everyone else is off limits.

He wondered if Sai had a diagnosis, or even noticed that he fidgeted a lot. However much Sai knew about it, he wasn't comfortable showing his stimming around others, which usually didn't mean good things, but Senku didn't make assumptions without cold hard facts and there wasn't enough evidence to claim anything. He figured next time they were alone together, he might show that he stimmed as well, and almost as much as Sai did. He was also discreet but it was more on the fact that he focused hard and when in deep focus, small movements were necessary in order to not lose focus.


Senkuu had visited Sai in order to discuss the building of a TV and all its circuitry, and after that, their conversation delved into personal interests. Sai's foot bounced rapidly as he discussed the game that he had been coding, since he had finished Monster Hunter, and Senku had some inquiries.

"How long does it usually take for you to code every game? it's all a bunch of numbers and I honestly think it's fascinating that you can imagine how the game will look, how everything will function, and then be able to write down the code for it. I'll be honest and say I never learned past the intermediate stages of coding and maybe it's just your experience but it truly seems like a talent of yours."

Sai blushed and held his hand up, waving his hands in a 'hold up' gesture. "I really am not that good, I'm just a regular software developer who learned quickly, with the Nanami Conglomerate influence, once I had the freedom to, I was able to get top notch instructors, and honestly I've just been doing it for a very long time." His wrist was moving around erratically and Senku didn't wish to overwhelm Sai so he switched the topic.

"I wasn't the biggest on video gaming because I was so into Science but Taiju was, so I've picked up some skills and a few favorites." He began rocking slowly, with small movements, and allowed his hands to move however they wished, copying some movements he had observed from Sai-It wasn't how he usually stimmed but he figured it would make Sai more comfortable if they were recognizable. "I definitely liked Minecraft, the big oaf had shown it to me because he said it had Science in it, which I strongly disagree with, and I ended up enjoying the monotonous tasks like building, gathering materials, hunting, fighting mobs, etcetera. It was one of the few things Taiju was good at, he made big red-stone contraptions and somehow was able to easily survive even though I struggled for the longest time possible trying to get it right."

Sai talked excitedly about Minecrafts code, mods, and games similar to it that he enjoyed which included Stardew Valley. As he noticed Senku moving similarly to how he usually did without a single thought or any embarrassment, Sai began to open up to his Stims and once he became comfortable enough, they got faster. Senkuu had observed that this was most likely due to the fact that maybe a certain pressure that Senku had once noticed lying underneath his skin, was also under Sai's.

Senkuu concluded his faster stimming was likely him trying to regulate himself while the pressure lingered under the skin. He didn't know whether the pressure was positive or negative, Senkuu hadn't noticed anything distressing in both their conversation and Sai's attitude, but maybe this was some sort of detail that he had failed to observe. Sai's hands moved faster and Senku grew worried, he decided to be more gentle about his approach because he was terrible in these situations, but he paid closer attention. 

Sai pulled his knees up to his chest before the hand flapping began, this was when he spoke up. "You okay? You didn't have to stop, you know." Sai gave a confused glance and he grabbed at his arms, his grip tightened as he limited his motion to an over shaking foot. Senkuu tried to comfort Sai in some way but he didn't know in which way he was sensitive or whether he would even want comfort so he felt stuck.

"Do you...want something? I can give you space... I don't know, I can leave if you feel uncomfortable..." Sai didn't shake or nod, just sat there, and Senkuu didn't know what to do, so he decided to leave and get Ryuusui.


He wandered to the main cabin where he knew Ryuusui was handling the steering for the ship, he was alone except for Ukyo at the radar and François nearby. He went up to him and decided to get right to the point.

"Does Sai have autism?"

Ryuusui was surprised and he frowned slightly, more contemplative than offended. "No. He's never been tested for anything, he's just always had this sorta attitude. Less expressive, he got upset easily when we were younger and yet he wasn't a difficult child as you might expect. He's always just kept to himself and while he's got an affinity for math his eyes would light up when it had something to do with gaming or programming."

Senkuu nodded along with his explanation and asked his next question, "Well, are you aware of his...fidgeting? Or sometimes how he gets...upset? Is it common for him to sort of...freeze up?"

Ryuusui looked serious now and he stepped forward, "Is Sai currently experiencing that?" Senkuu nodded and gestured for Ryuusui to follow him. He led both Ryuusui and François to Sai's room, hoping that with the space Sai was able to relax or release some of his emotions. Senkuu knocked on the outside of the entrance, not disturbing the door which was slightly ajar.

He stepped back and let Ryuusui move in, he took to observing because he didn't really know what to do with himself; and while it may be seen as rude to some people for him to glimpse into private feelings or affairs, he had more to say and didn't feel his presence would make things awkward so he stayed.

Ryusui sat next to him and gently offered his hand to his brother, who in turn grabbed it and held on like it was a lifeline. He was then pulled into a hug and Sai continued to grip hard onto Ryuusui’s arm instead of his own, which was good.

Ryusui comforted his brother, muttering assurances and reassurances. All the while François stood there, bowing respectfully, and Senkuu could, with a glance, tell that they were also keeping an eye on the two. Ryuusui managed to calm Sai down enough to where he looked less lost, more present than he had been. Senkuu stepped forward and cleared his throat, getting his attention. "I think I'll leave you be for now, but I have something that I want to talk to you about, come seek me out when it's most convenient to you. Also...hope you're feeling better."

Senkuu then took that as his cue to leave, deciding that he wouldn't try and make Sai confront his past immediately after a shutdown.


Later that night, while Senkuu was updating some of his notes, a knock rang out on his door, soft, hesitant; he had taken to memorizing everyone's knocks so that he wouldn't ever be surprised. This knock belonged to Sai. "Come in." He said, then the door creaked open and Sai's form was uneasy as he entered the room. His posture was hunched down low, he seemed nervous.

Senkuu gestured to the other chair that was in his room, a swivel one, which was a prototype that Kaseki had made. Sai sat down while he didn't seem any less nervous, Senkuu decided to break the ice. "I'm not going to rip out your larynx, although, scientifically speaking, I could. I was just going to have a conversation, nothing serious about it. Unless you...want me to be? I don't know...people-ing has never come easily to me."

Sai huffed a small laugh, "I uh...honestly thought you were going to...punish me? N-not in a-a weird way just... The Nanami Conglomerate always shamed me for acting unfit for the Nanami status... I was locked in my room, forced to do endless Math equations for no ones benefit but my family's, forced to sit still and focus when talked to, not that they did talk to us a lot. Both me and Ryuusui are estranged, both born from different mistresses of our father. For people as important as Nanami's, it was shameful, all my father saw in me was a disappointing calculator...who screamed if the room was at a dis-regulated temperature."

Senkuu leaned back and rocked forward, displeasure shown on his face. "That's a shitty situation, and to think I had it bad just dealing with my own shit, I had a supportive family, you had almost no one."

As Senkuu expected, his comment surprised him, "You... deal with it too...?" Senkuu nodded and smiled kindly at the almost small bit of hope in his eyes. "That's the reason I wanted to talk, I noticed some of your habits and they stood out because they're also my habits. I wanted to ask about what you knew about it and stuff but based on your upbringing I can assume not much. You know what Autism is right?"

Sai nodded, "After moving to India I was able to familiarize myself with the World Wide Web, especially since it was just being introduced and stuff around the time I had left. It took a while for me to get my hands on it, but even then, it was wildly misinformation."

Senkuu frowned in distaste, "Yeah, honestly, the whole reason I got diagnosed was because I was so freaking smart. My teachers wanted some kind of excuse as to why I knew my way around a lab better than them that didn't make them feel inadequate. I do not miss the old system... Anyway, I think--based on my observations and my knowledge of autism through days of research and my own experiences--that you may be somewhere on the Autism Spectrum."

Sai just stared at him, for a long time, making indirect-direct eye contact and causing Senkuu to be unable to look at his face, settling to staring at his arms. Sai spoke up, "Really? That-that would be able to explain things? Just that?" Senkuu shrugged, "I mean, kinda, first off, any form of unnatural fidgeting is most probably "Stimming" which is a repetitive motion used in an attempt to self-soothe and regulate the body. Stimming is normal and it occurs in both neurotypicals and neurodivergent people, the only difference being that neurodivergent people do it much more often and it is more necessary to help them regulate. Some autistic people are sensitive to sound, they are socially inept which causes them to appear blunt or "weird" because they don't understand certain social rules that come naturally to others."

Sai contemplated, still not looking at him directly, Senkuu grinned, "And! They also find it difficult to maintain eye contact. Whether the action itself takes too much energy, doing so would overwhelm their senses, or they focus too much on what would be counted as a "normal" amount of eye contact that it ends up looking weird. I know that my eyes just tend to wander without my permission, and it takes a lot of effort to divert it in the right direction."

They were both quiet for a while, Senkuu allowing Sai to process everything he had said. "So...if I'm... Autistic, then...what does that really mean?"

"It's not gonna be anything substantial, I promise. Mostly, you get to put a name to something and understand that it means you're not broken, it's literally encoded into your brain, the behaviors are fully accepted and you will not ever have to hide any part of your autism from anyone on board or otherwise. They've accepted me and my weirdness, they'll ten billion percent accept you and yours. You don't even have to tell anyone, just exist happily in your own world that probably looks a bit different from everyone else's. I know I'm not one for cringey, inspirational quotes, but the mentalist has rubbed off on me, I've managed to adapt well enough and you aren't me but we're both a little different and we can have a little pride in our community."

The rest of the night was spent engaging with the sides that they almost never got to show around others, Senkuu hoped he was able to help Sai out enough, guess he would have to wait and see.


 

When the time rolled around for the adventuring crew to return to the epicenter back in Japan, unmanned rocket fully intact and a hull full of raw materials, Senkuu had stopped thinking much about his conversation with Sai, or the revaluations. What he could observe is that... Sai was much happier. Before, he stayed closed off, writing down code or working on the rocket, usually in private; but now, Sai hung around the rest of them much more often. He had even made good friends with Ukyou, who was also solitary because of his great hearing. Sai could connect with Ukyou on an emotional level, and they both helped to bring each other out of their respective shells.


Senkuu thought Aimlessly that his old man would've been proud of him, for reaching out all on his own, and building up community, something that everyone had always told him he never would be able to do because he was "too weird". Well, now he has a group of weirdos, and a weirdo who is just like him.

Notes:

All of Sai's stimming (and Senkuu's) reflects my own, I couldn't not make one of my favorite characters have to experience what I have to, daily.
The title may be subject to change at some point.

Also, I have other fanfictions and I would usually not do a self-plug but I just want to mention that after this, there won't be a large chance for updates any time soon, mostly just because I'm moving to Florida! It'll be a big change so I won't have the time or the energy to update.