Work Text:
MJ listens to the clock tick on the wall, her fingers tapping against the mug she’s been holding, the tea now cold.
There had been a million flags that MJ should’ve noticed, in hindsight. Hints that Peter left along the way in hopes that maybe she’d catch on. In the days since finding out that she knew Peter all this time, that him being Spider-Man used to be woven into her life so seamlessly, she’s felt like she was spiraling.
Memories flood back in fragments. MJ never quite remembers all of it, and it’s frustrating, as if she’s woken up in the middle of a dream that she can’t get back to. She and Ned pour over the information for hours, thinking back to what they’ve always felt like was missing the last few years.
There are things that have remained constant. Peter has always prioritized Spider-Man. He took his role seriously in keeping the city safe, and MJ has to admire him for it. He still deeply cares for her and Ned, even if his actions and withholding who he was didn’t necessarily show that. Him intentionally hiding how well he knew them didn’t necessarily help, either.
But at the end of the day, MJ knew she needed to do what was best for her. She had big plans for her future after moving back to the city. Her new job kept her busy, and she’d been seeing a guy from her last internship casually, and now that Peter was back, she can’t quite figure out how he fits into this new world that she’s built for herself.
Despite this, like clockwork, MJ spends most evenings stretched across her fire escape doomscrolling TikTok while she waits for Peter to come visit her while he’s out patrolling. Since piecing it all together and figuring out that they were neighbors, MJ had been excited to add this into their routine - she could hear about how things were going, listen to the passion still in his voice for everything he was accomplishing, but it didn’t feel intimidating or like there was any pressure to agree to something neither of them are ready for.
MJ had always known herself to be a forgiving person.
She’d forgave Ned more times than she can count during their four years at MIT and again as roommates since moving back to New York.
She forgave her parents for their unrealistic expectations put upon her when they dictated her future in high school, making it seem as though anything less than what they expected was a failure.
She forgave past boyfriends or flings for canceling last minute or flaking on her, too wrapped up in wanting to be liked or have a meaningful relationship to cut them off the way she should have the first time it happened.
So, in theory, it should be so easy to forgive Peter for what he’s done. Deep down, despite how angry she is with him for how he handled it in the moment, but also in the years after that she’s come to learn about, he was doing it because he loved her and Ned and he wanted to keep them safe.
But each night, when she lays in bed and lets her mind wander to Peter’s apology the day he came clean about who he was, she can’t help but feel like there’s something missing. Like perhaps what she had hoped would be explained away so easily and make sense in her mind isn’t happening, and now it’s her time to deal with what she wants not only for herself, but for Peter as well.
It’s the most torn she’s been in her life. She knows Peter is remorseful for how he handled things, and he makes that clear with each day. But it doesn’t erase the fact that it’s been years since everything happened, and being remorseful while still dealing with the aftermath of how he handled things can coexist without feeling like forgiveness is the automatic solution.
She also knows that she made a vision board and wrote down her goals in her journal for what she wanted for herself when she started her first full-time job a few months ago, and derailing that because Peter is in their lives and allowing him in would mean being back in the world of Spider-Man, which had never even crossed her mind to be in her plans.
Climbing out onto the fire escape from her bedroom window, the sun setting and casting an orange hue on the windows across the street, MJ knows what she has to do.
The apartment below her plays jazz music through their open window, and she can smell the dinners of her neighbors wafting into the air. She adjusts, pressing her head back against the railing as she sits there, scrolling mindlessly through her phone while Ned patters around the kitchen just through the window a little further down.
“You look like you have a thousand things on your mind,” Peter says, and MJ jumps, locking her phone and letting it fall into her lap. “Sorry, I thought you heard me coming,” he says, perching on the railing, glancing out one last time before he jumps down and sits across from her, lifting his mask.
“You were quieter today,” she says quietly, running her fingers through her hair. “How has patrolling been?”
Peter studies her for a moment before he answers. “It’s been fine, I guess,” he says, blinking. She watches his eyes narrow, like he’s trying to figure out the vibe between them, and she can’t help but avert her gaze. “What’s going on, MJ? Is there something wrong?”
MJ sighs. She tips her head back, chewing on her lip. “No,” she says first. “Yes,” she corrects, then shakes her head. “I don’t know.”
Peter, to his credit, seems to understand this is going to be a more serious conversation than he was expecting when he first arrived, and stretches his legs out. “Okay,” he nods, playing with his mask in his hands. “Do you want to talk about it?”
The silence stretches between them for a moment. Hiding it will only make things worse, but talking about it may ruin what they’re building back forever. MJ listens to the horns blare in the distance, calming herself, and then shrugs.
“I know I told you I needed time,” she says softly. Beneath them, a baby giggles. “And I still do, I think. But -” she pauses. “Peter, I’m sorry.”
She can tell Peter knows where this is going before she gets it out. “It’s okay, Em. Take your time,” he encourages anyway, and MJ resists the urge to sob, knowing he’s too good for her.
“I just - I moved back home to start my life, and I have so many goals and dreams that I want to achieve. I feel excited about my life for the first time in a really, really long time,” she says. Tears well in her eyes, and she doesn’t bother pushing them away. “And I want us to figure out how to be friends again, but Peter, what you did was fucked up, and even though I know you did what you thought was right in the moment, I’m having a really hard time forgiving you.”
She gives herself a moment before continuing. “I know you tell me we loved each other, and deep down, I believe you, but I still don’t know you. I have the letter and the stories and there’s memories there, of course there are, but I still can’t make sense of how you fit in, at least not right now,” she sighs.
Peter, to his credit, doesn’t get defensive. For a brief second, his face crumbles, but he composes himself, rubbing at his eyes as he sighs. “I get that,” he says quietly.
“I’m not saying I don’t want to continue to repair our friendship and see if we can make it work again,” she says, but it feels like it’s something she’s meant to say rather than something she wants to say. “I don’t want to never talk to you again, and I definitely don’t want to cut you out of my life without giving this a shot. But it’s been months, and I thought you deserved to know how I feel right now.”
Peter swallows. He glances out when a siren blares, and then looks back at her. “Thank you for telling me,” he says softly, voice impossibly soft despite being Spider-Man. “I completely respect your decision, MJ. You deserve to feel however you feel about me or the entire situation,” he says quietly.
MJ nods. She wipes at her eyes with the back of her hand. “I think some part of me still loves you, even if I don’t remember loving you in the first place,” she smiles. “And I don’t know that that will ever go away. But I feel like that part of me can’t get the attention it deserves until I figure out how to forgive you first.”
Peter nods. He shifts, glancing down at his lap. “I hope you understand that these fire escape dates can’t happen for a little while. Not until -” he pauses, breathing, “I just need time to figure things out.”
“I know,” MJ says. Her voice wobbles, and she sniffles. “But we’ll still hang out, right? I mean, we’re neighbors.”
A half smile spreads across Peter’s face. “I still want to be friends, yeah,” he confirms. “I just - these moments, being alone like this? I can’t do this right now. I just need time.”
MJ picks at a string on her jeans. “I get it. It’s probably for the best, right? If we’re not in positions like this so often, maybe it’ll make things easier for me to gather my thoughts and find a way to both remember you and find a way to forgive you.”
Peter nods. “I’d like that, if it’s still possible.”
“It is,” MJ whispers. She waits a beat, then sighs. “I’m always going to care about you, Peter. Even if we never spoke again, I’d worry about you, and Spider-Man, and I’d wonder if you were okay all the time,” she says quietly. “I don’t care if that contradicts all of this, because even if it does, it’s the truth.”
Peter smiles. “I’ll always worry about you, too.” he looks down at his lap again. In the distance, another siren blares. “I should probably go see if they need my help,” he says reluctantly, standing up. “Get some sleep, Em. and thank you for telling me.”
MJ nods, watching as he slips his mask back on and jumps onto the railing. “Peter?” she says quietly, waiting until he turns around and looks at her. “Be safe, okay? If you need me to help with your wounds, just knock on the window.”
MJ knows can’t tell, but she swears he smiles.
“I will, Em,” he promises, turning back and jumping off, swinging between the buildings.
MJ hovers halfway between the window and the fire escape as he leaves, watching him swing gracefully until he turns a corner towards the direction of the sirens. She waits a while longer, not sure what she’s expecting.
The sun dips onto the lower windows now, nearly nonexistent, and MJ stands frozen in place, finally letting the tears fall.
No one can see her here anyway.