Work Text:
"Flux," Saps whispered into the dark. When he received no response from the other figure haunting their living room with him at 3am, head bent over his laptop with a posture that would make a shrimp wince, he repeated it more insistently-- "Flux."
"Mm," Flux said in response. It was an inflectionless, meaningless sound that simultaneously meant what do you want and the answer to whatever you're about to ask is already no. The pale light from his blindingly white Google Doc washed over him, forgotten bangs drifting haphazardly into his face and tired eyes zeroed in on the increasingly elaborate train of thought he was spewing out onto the page. He didn't stop typing or take his eyes away from his essay for even a second to acknowledge Saps until Saps crawled across the couch from where he was lying and doomscrolling reels on the other end, clambering over cushions and throw blankets and various tv remotes until he was shoving his way into Flux's personal space and physically blocking his view of the computer.
"Hey," Flux started to protest, and was cut off by Saps shoving his phone into Flux's face. "Hey," he repeated, with more feeling. "What the hell?"
"Look," Saps insisted, giving his phone a little shake. Flux squinted at it, grabbed Saps by the wrist to drag the phone further away from his face until it was at a readable distance, and squinted at it again. It was an instagram post from the official Chick-Fil-A account. The caption was irrelevant bullshit. He said as much to Saps.
"Nooo," Saps whined, shoving the phone back into Flux's face like that would make him change his mind. Flux just closed his eyes against the light as the bright screen was pushed right into his nose. "It's beautiful, Flux. It's free food. It's free food for boyfriends on National Boyfriend Day. It's perfect."
"We're both single."
"Not in the eyes of Chick-Fil-A."
"What the hell is that supposed to mean?"
Saps ripped the phone away from Flux so that he could use both his hands to drag himself even closer, grabbing Flux by the shoulders and bringing his face down to look into Saps' eyes. He looked as gravely serious as a guy wearing a Huggle blanket hoodie half lying on a secondhand couch who just wormed his way over two Kirby plushies to Flux could possibly look. "It means--" he said ominously, "that we pretend to be boyfriends to get free Chick-Fil-A meals.
Flux blinked once. Twice. His cursor blinked in solidarity from where it lay forgotten on the doc. He stared straight back into Saps' eyes as a small parade of emotions marched through him-- increduilty, skepticism, doubt, realization, and acceptance. The feelings washed away quickly, though, because it was 3am and most of his brain functions had shut down.
"Isn't Chick-Fil-A, like, crazy homophobic?" He asked. It seemed like the most pressing thing to bring up.
"We would be getting the food for free." Saps stressed. "This makes them lose money. This is like, definitely ethically good. Besides, that's the overall corporation. The only thing that matters is the individual cashier who's working when we go, because they're the ones who will decide if they'll actually give us the food or not. What are the odds that the random kid working the register at Chick-Fil-A will be homophobic in our college town in a moderately liberal area?"
Flux considered this. It was probably an even 50/50. "What if they ask for proof?"
"We're roommates. We have hella photos of ourselves hanging out together," Saps fired back immediately. "I doubt they're asking all the couples to prove that they're together, though. What are they gonna do, ask us to kiss in front of them?"
---
"You're asking us to kiss in front of you?" Flux hissed in disbelief at the Chick-Fil-A employee. The kid was definitely a high school student and was shaking a little bit in their boots as Flux stood up straight and dialed up the intimidation factor, shaking out his wolfcut hair with the purple underdye and making sure his multiple, asymmetrical spiky ear piercings caught the light. He held up the hand that was interlocked with Saps' where their matching bracelets were clearly visible, black thread standing out starkly against Saps' pale skin and white thread lying on top of Flux's black watch, hair ties, and other accessories. "You're seriously standing behind the register of a Chick-Fil-A and asking us to prove it? For free chicken nuggets??"
Even while quaking in the face of Fluixon's indignant and embarrassed wrath, the cashier stood their ground. "I'm sorry," they mumbled. "It's just that there have been a lot of scammers so far. My manager is making us do this to everyone, it's not my choice. This is the easiest way to reveal fakers because the people who thought it would be funny to fake-date for free chicken almost always back out. Believe me, I do not want to be here watching people kiss all day. This isn't part of my job description and I will kill myself during my break."
Flux's glare didn't waver. Saps, ever the mediator, sidled closer and nudged Flux in the side. "C'mon, have some sympathy," he said jovially. "You heard 'em, it's not like it's their fault. Who cares, anyway? It's just one little show of PDA standing between us and a spicy chicken sandwich."
Flux refused to look at him.
"And nuggets," Saps added. "And that Chick-Fil-A dipping sauce, oooooooooohh. And fries--"
Flux rolled his eyes so hard that Saps was surprised there wasn't a cartoonish sound effect to go with the motion. The poor teen at the register simultaneously looked like they were about to have a panic attack or shoot themselves in front of them. Saps took pity on the fool and decided to finally put them out of their misery and stop holding up the line. It's just one kiss between friends, he thought recklessly to himself. That's nothing. There was truly no other reasoning behind it when he stepped up to Fluixon, ducked around him to get between his glare and the cashier, and kissed him.
It was chaste. It was a peck, all things considered. Flux's lips were warm and his mouth opened slightly in surprise, the smallest gasp giving away his shock. Saps prayed that he wouldn't blow their cover and noted in relief that Flux had closed his eyes in surprise as he pulled back. Flux had a microsecond to process everything before he opened his eyes again and Saps watched with pride as he proved that he was an evil genius. Taking everything in stride, Flux snapped his eyes open while glaring just as hard as before, his incandescent purple gaze burning a hole into Saps.
"How dare you use me for free chicken," he spat. How he was able to speak those words angrily without cracking up at the ridiculousness of it all was beyond Saps. He almost burst out laughing himself but managed valiantly to keep himself contained, mouth twitching upwards but cool mostly intact.
"Sorry babe," he said cheekily just to pile it on, just because he knew Flux would 'yes, and' him devoutly once he was committed to a lie or scheme. Predictably, Flux narrowed his eyes at him in rage but let the pet name slide. He turned to face the cashier, gathering up every shred of dignity he had left, opened his mouth, and--
"Dear god just leave,'" they said, snatching a takeout bag from a different worker and practically throwing it at the couple. "It's all free, whatever, I don't care. Just please leave me alone."
---
Sitting outside on the grass underneath a tree, watching cars cycle in and out of the Chick-Fil-A's parking lot, Saps let out a happy sigh.
"It tastes better when it's free," he said.
"That doesn't make any sense," Flux returned.
Saps paid him no mind. "You love it and you know it," he said, pointing at the corner of Flux's mouth where he had smeared sauce by accident due to how fast he had been wolfing down his chicken nuggets. Flux scowled and wiped it off quickly. Saps grinned.
"Do you think the other Chick-Fil-A's near here are offering the same deal?"
"I have class."
"Skip your dumb classes."
Saps stood up, brushed the dirt from his pants, and offered his hand to Flux with a winning smile. His other hand was holding his trash and his large diet coke. Flux looked back at him, unimpressed.
"You trying to kiss me again?"
Saps' smile didn't waver. "The ends justify the means, my dear. I know youre not mad, bro. Ethical and free consumption of Chick-Fil-A is the greatest gift on planet Earth. I would kiss Schpood if it got me free Chick-Fil-A. I would kiss Sitzkrieg."
Flux wrinkled his nose in distaste. "Dont call me 'my dear' and 'bro' in the same breath. Also, dont kiss Sitzkrieg. I can't prove it but I think he has scurvy."
Saps barked out a laugh.
"At the very least, a vitamin B deficiency," Flux muttered as he balled up his trash and threw it in Saps' bag. "You'd better not Chick-Fil-A cheat on me. I do love free food."
Saps raised an eyebrow. "Are we Chick-Fil-A dating?"
Flux took his hand and rose to his feet. "I guess we Chick-Fil-A are."
They started towards the car, hand in hand.