Chapter Text
A blank page is one of an endless abyss, struck down by the nature of both human and monster to introduce the worst kind of thinking.
Self reflection...
Berdly isn't anything special per say. He's a nerd, he's an avian, and he lives in a rural town on the west coast. What makes him stand out is the issues he faced throughout. The spelling bee, the lack of acceptance, the attempt and psych ward stay... All of it led to Berdly today.
He wasn't anything special by mental health standards, he was fucked up but not enough. He had his interests, like calling Kris wavedashing "cheating" (it wasn't) or being upstaged by Noelle with Dragon Blazers Lore...
okay maybe his self esteem is terrible...
There is also another thing within his life, one that he can never truly put a digit feather on. It started the day he learnt that not all humans were genderless...
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Berdly, 12 years old and 2 months before the spelling bee, was hanging out with Kris. They stopped hanging out with Noelle, the disappearance of Dess causing a radical drift in their relationship. Berdly thought of Kris as a "true gamer", while Kris thought he was decent to be around.
The TV was glowing throughout the darkness of the room, shadow creeping from the fallen sun outside. It wasn't smashing fighters, but rather Minecrap the two were playing.
- "Hey Kris, can I ask something?"
Berdly was curious on one thing, and that was the gender of the human next to him. Why did they prefer to go by... they?
- "yeah, sure"
- "Are all humans... genderless?"
Kris didn't feel uncomfortable, but it was a bit awkward trying to find the right words.
- "No, I am Non-Binary. I don't believe I am a boy or a girl, I am just Kris"
- "Ah."
Thats all Berdly could say before resuming the session...
He couldn't sleep that night
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Current day Berdly does know one thing, and that he is Pansexual. Guys, Gals and enbies made him feel a certain way, and it didn't matter what they were.
He spent time reflecting, that he forgot school starts in 10 minutes. He did a sped up routine, got his coat (January in Hometown is absolutely horrid) and headed to the place of learning.
It wasn't anything special, the town within being smaller than most schools, but it was indeed a place to learn. The WiFi wasn't good, the celling was falling apart and there were only three teachers for each level. It was in a nice area, and you got to eat lunch wherever since there wasn't a cafeteria.
Of course, the first thing Berdly saw while walking in was Noelle and Susie talking. Berdly, contrary to popular belief, was very much supportive of Noelle's decision to date her. Both seemed so good for each other, Berdly threw up a little in his beak.
Berdly went ahead and sat at his desk before a slight vibration of his phone came out.
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Cal
Cal: hey berd, fam is moving to your town
Cal: thought I ask if they are affirming since ya know
Berdly: My friend is Non-Binary, and they have never been misgendered here. You will be fine
Cal: sweet ;3
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Calamus and Berdly met when Berdly was sent to the psychiatric hospital. She was a mix of Kris and Noelle, and was honestly a good friend. The two were talking outside of the hospital, and it turned out both had more in common than they thought.
- "Berdly, don't tell me you are edating now"
Noelle saw Berdly text, and immediately went to... dating?
- "Noelle, by Arceus! I was just talking to a friend of mine."
- "Is this fr-"
Noelle was cut off by Susie
- "He's actually right, its just a friend. She's fuckin' Demi Elle's, it be pretty sus if he was actually in a relationship with her"
- "Oh, fahaha! My bad, sorry Berdly!"
- "It's fine, my not-dearest Noelle!"
- "She got downgraded to not deer? Damn, species-ist much?"
- "NOT LIKE THAT"
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School ended like usual, with nothing funny happening today. Kris came in 2 minutes late though, a record for them!
Berdly sat at the lake with his notepad and pencil, drawing doodles of whatever he got his mind on. During his psych ward stay, the recreational therapist suggested he should get back into his old hobby of drawing, something Berdly obliged.
Despite the weather being cold, the lakeside felt nice in a wintery way. Sure, christmas was a few weeks ago (something Berdly was very happy was done, considering the Holidays) but it felt like one of those postcards from Alaska Berdly fawned over as a fledgling. He always found nature fascinating, and is considering maybe entering metrology to help others find the same beauty.
Berdly heard hooves from behind him, startling the poor bluebird before realizing it was Dess. Berdly never really knew her with his friendship with Noelle occurring after she "disappeared". At least she is alive, still looking like she smokes pot if the vape in her hoove and the holes in her shirt were anything to go by.
- "Sup' Nerdly, mind if I take 5 here?"
- "Of course!"
- "Pfft, nerd"
Dess sat down next to the bluebird, vape in hand.
- "Kinda' shocked you aren't screaming about weed being the DeViL! Whatever, I'm not complaining"
Berdly did think that weed was bad, until he did research on harm reduction for a project in 10th grade. Pretty interesting stuff...
- "I mean, the concept facinates me-"
Berdly looked at Dess before realizing she was handing the vape over to him.
- "Do it, no balls... wait do birds even ha-"
Dess couldn't finish her sentence before Berdly managed to take in a puff. It sorta burnt, but it wasn't as bad as other people said it was. The cottonmouth (or beak?) effect was indeed something he could live without, however.
- "Holy SHIT, who made you cool?"
Dess and Berdly dapped up.
- "I thought I'd try things out of my comfort zone. Especially with... life"
- "Heard about that man, I'm sorry. Home life improved at all?"
- "My dad works less hours now, so it isn't as bad. It's just... I feel like I'm not worthy, you know?"
Berdly was shocked how... fluent that came out of his beak. Usually he would never confess anything like that, guess the weed is kicking in.
- "Probably your public persona. Never understood you until my sis told me about you. You seem cool outside of the whole nerd schtick"
- "I-I guess, but sometimes I wonder if I am truly myself, you know?"
- "Been there, done that. I think that if you act like you are right now, you could probably get some sweet bird la-"
- "Dess, I'm Pan"
Dess stuttered before regaining her focus
(It made Berdly proud, like he managed to submit high and mighty dess. He kicked that thought out like a rugby ball)
- "Okay, I had no clue. Deadass I thought you are the most cishet coded man ever"
- "I mean, definitely not het. Cis..."
Berdly stared off into space, his mind turning into mush. Is he truly happy as a guy? He doesn't mind being one, but it brings him pain when called "he". He doesn't want to be a girl either, but what el-
- "Earth to Berdly? Your gender crisis is so loud I can feel the ground shaking"
Oh, right...
- "I... need to get back to you on that"
Berdly grabbed his stuff and ran, Dess looking at him with the face of concern. He doesn't know who he is...
All he knows is the way home.