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“It’s unusual for you to visit like this.” Luida shows him the chair in her medical study.
Vash takes the seat after fidgeting for a moment, looking around and taking in any changes he missed the last time he was here.
It hasn’t been that long but the changes are still there.
Time moves slower for him but fast for everyone else and sometimes it feels like he just blinks and things shift to a point where he cannot recognize anything and he’s out of the loop.
“Yeah, well I figured I should do it more often.” He takes a seat and watches Luida take her on the other side of the desk.
Vash looks briefly at Luida and then moves his gaze back to the crayon drawings of the ship’s children on the nearby board. He tries to ignore the way her wrinkles have gotten deeper and her eyes have sunk even more.
“Really.” Her face doesn’t move aside from the slight lift of her brow.
He feels his hair prickle when she looks at him head on. He wanted this to be a non-committal chat and maybe some advice but of course she always manages to make him feel like she’s turned the microscope on him.
“Yeah. I mean. I’m trying to-”
“I know Vash but you’re not that good at lying. Not to me at least,” she interrupts him smoothly and folds her hands on the desk in front of her.
“Shucks.”
“So what's up? What do you need.”
Vash gnaws on his lower lip. He doesn’t like how this question is posed, like he’s only here back at HOME (his home) when he needs something, even though it is kind of the truth.
It’s easier to say that he’s staying away because he doesn’t want to bring anymore disasters to people living here, and only pop up when something is really afoot and he cannot ignore it anymore than to admit he avoids seeing them as often as he can because he cannot bear to watch them all die.
He supposes it’s swapping one selfishness for another but such is the hand he has been dealt in life.
Always lose- lose.
Only sometimes he gets to pick which loss it is. Big or bigger.
“Something weird is going on with me.”
“In what way.?”
“I’m tired.”
“Well you are pretty old. I expect you to be tired based on the lifestyle you lead.”
Vash shakes his head.
No like…more than usual. More than normal. My normal.”
Luida narrows her eyes slightly and hums.
“What else?”
Vash sighs and looks to the side.
This is embarrassing but I’m…lonely?”
Luida’s mouth upturns a little but it’s barely noticeable to someone who wouldn’t know her and wouldn’t know where to look.
“You are always traveling alone, Vash. Or most of the time. It’s not surprising.”
Vash fiddles with his prosthetic.
Is that why you visited?” She asks gently. “So you want some company? It’s completely natural, you know. Nothing embarrassing about missing your family.”
“Yeah but. Uh.”
“Hm?”
Vash sighs and pinches the bridge of his nose.
“I wake up crying.” It’s not unusual for him to cry for many reasons. He has been called a crybaby on many occasions. A bleeding heart. Soggy. Stuff like that.
But admitting to this as something that has been bothering him when it was usually…just a thing he did feels off.
“Nightmares?”
“Sometimes, but not always and I don’t always cry because of that. Sometimes I just…do. No reason.” He frowns, his prosthetic curling into a fist with a click and then uncurling.
“Okay.
Vash bites his lip again. He opens his mouth like he wants to say something but stops himself.
“Go on,” Luida encourages him.
Vash licks his lips and the words come out finally.
“I want you to run some tests on me.”
That makes both of Luida’s brows arch up on her forehead.
“What tests? Do you suspect you might be sick?” For the first time since they started this conversation she sounds moved by a stronger emotion.
“Ah, maybe? I thought maybe…my old age is getting up with me, you know.” He rubs the back of his head, trying to laugh it off but it comes out hollow so he stops.
“There's another thing too.” He drops his hand to his lap.
“What is it?”
A dark blush floods his cheeks.
“It's a little embarrassing”
“Nothing is too embarrassing for me, Vash.”
“Well okay. I think there's something wrong with my bladder,” he huffs out, looking away in shame.
Luida of course takes his in stride.
“Do you have problems with urination?”
Vash squirms, hiding in the collar of his coat.
“Um more like too many bathroom trips a day,” he mumbles.
“Hm, could be an infection. It wouldn't be surprising with the way you live and not take care of yourself,” she concludes while she finishes typing the notes on her electronic pad.
Vash rolls his eyes and huffs.
“Alright. It has been a little while since your last check up so let's do that.”
“Okay.”
Luida pauses and looks at Vash suddenly.
“What?”
“Will you see Maria?”
Vash winces.
“Do i have to?”
Luida stands up from her chair and gestures for Vash to follow her.
“It would be favorable if you do. Out of your own free will. But I can’t make you.”
Vash hangs his head with a long and suffering sigh while he follows Luida down the hallway.
“Whole check up means psychological evaluation too,” she points out when they arrive at another room and she swipes her card key at the door monitor.
“Yes mom,” Vash grumbles when he follows her into the room.
As expected, that simple visit for a small favor turns into a good two weeks stay, during which Vash is pulled into the ship’s usual life.
Everyone wants to catch up on his adventures, know what he was up to. The kids especially swarm him and ask all sorts of questions. Some are too small to remember him, but that’s okay because they slowly warm up to him.
He’s given a set of more casual clothes and ushered to help with his Sisters and then with other ship related maintenance work.
It’s nice. Comforting. Sleeping in a clean bed, having three meals a day and a set of comfortable clothes.
Vash feels himself mellow down and almost settles in.
Luida finally comes to him in the middle of the second week, scrolling through her pad with a small frown between her pinched eyebrows and Vash feels cold dread grip his insides.
“So? What are the results?”
She looks at him, her frown not leaving her face.
“Still waiting for some of them but-”
“But?” He rushes her impatiently.
“I need to check something before I will know definitely, but-”
“But?” Vash vibrates in place from pent up impatience and anxiety.
Luida sighs and lowers her pad.
“Go take that psych, Vash.”
He makes a frustrated groan which Luida simply ignores.
“I mean it. It won’t hurt.”
“Fine, fine.” He rolls his eyes. “I’ll do it. Whatever.”
She walks up to Vash and suddenly puts a hand on his shoulder and squeezes. She’s usually not that emotionally open and it takes Vash by surprise for a moment.
“Remember. You always have a home here.”
Vash gives her a curious look, searching for a hint of falsehood in her gaze but he can’t find anything. It’s just earnest worry for his well-being. He shrugs his shoulders and nods.
“Yeah. I know.”
“How was the meeting with Maria?”
“Okay? I think? She told me to not blame myself for everything and be kinder to myself and stuff but like…”
He shrugs.
It’s nice to hear it for a moment but then reality strikes. I guess a little white lie here and there is not bad.”
“Those we’re white lies Vash.”
Vash gives her a look, trying to channel all of his one hundred and over fifty years of disillusionment.
Luida sighs softly, like she’s trying to be very patient with a very stubborn teen.
“But alright.” She acquiesces. “I won’t grill you too much about it. You did what I asked anyway. Therapy is the only treatment for your issues I’m afraid. The anti-depressants don’t work.”
“Yeah yeah. I’m a sad little plant.
Not like therapy works anyway. Not like just talking about what he’s messed up for himself and for others, fixes anything.
Not to mention there are things he refuses to open up about.
Painful memories are one thing but he’s afraid of nudging the lid on some of the more ugly emotions staving in him over the years.
Plus some things…are just too much. He’s an almost two hundred year old being and sometimes he feels like he’s losing the grip on his sanity.
He can’t do it to someone who, despite being a trained professional, is still a human being with normal human cognitive abilities.
Plus he likes Maria, he doesn’t want to scar her for life.
So the meeting was…very bare-bones. He answered all her questions, listened to her advice and hoped she wouldn’t delve in too deep with any probing.
Thankfully, she didn’t decide to use him as her current psychological ‘pet project’ and just gave him some general advice and reassurance.
It was nice. Vash can’t deny that it lifted his spirits even if just for a moment and superficially.
Luida smiles gently.
“At least you can admit you’re sad. That’s progress.”
Vash rolls his eyes.
“Alright. Sit.” She gestures to the chair in front of her desk and Vash obliges.
“I have your test results.” Suddenly, she pauses for longer than Vash would expect. It imminently puts him on edge.
“Well?” He raises an eyebrow. “What’s wrong with me?”
The way Luida hesitates doesn’t help and Vash sits up in his seat, his back tense.
“Luida if I’m dying just say so. I mean I know I am already.” He runs a hand through the mop of his pitch black hair. “But that's still far off right? You said it yourself.”
“Yes. And it’s not that.”
“Then? Some kind of plant dementia? Am I going senile?”
“As far as I can see…no. Not yet at least.”
Then what? Plant cancer?”
“Don’t joke about something like that, Vash,” she scolds him.
“Okay, okay.”He raises his hands in defense. ”Sorry.”
“What is it then?”
Luida sighs, setting pad aside and folding her hands in front of her. Not a good sign.
“Your vitals are stable. No infections, no illnesses, no issues with your organs nor any systems.”
“Sounds good. What’s the catch?”
“You’re exhausted but within your limits.”
Pause.
“Maybe a little above in my personal opinion. You need to take care of yourself more.”
Luida hangs her voice and the way she looks at him makes his skin crawl and the tiny hairs on his arms stand up. It feels like he’s bracing for impact but he doesn’t even know what is going to hit him.
“Especially now.”
Vash blinks, surprised.
“Especially now? What does that mean? What’s so special about now?”
Luida exhales softly through her nose but doesn’t elaborate. It looks like she’s gathering her thoughts and weighting her options.
Vash starts to get irritated.
“So I am sick? Is that it?”
“You’re healthy but-”
“But what?!” He didn’t mean to raise his voice and the internal voice tells him to pull back but the anger and irritation has bubbled to the surface now. He hates being jerked around like that.
“Come on Luida, just say it.”
Luida puts her hands flat on the desk and heaves herself up. She rounds the desk slowly until she’s standing in front of Vash who looks up at her with growing concern.
Silently, she brings a stool and sits directly opposite Vash and takes his hand in hers.
Alarm bells start to go off in Vash’s head and his whole body tenses he almost bursts.
“You’re two months pregnant.”
Vash stares at her unblinking for a moment.
“Ha-ha very funny,” he dismisses the words with a snort. “Are you that desperate for grandkids now? Or are you calling me fat?”
“I’m not joking,” she says, and looks into his eyes, dead serious.
She means it. Vash can see it in that steel gaze.
Slowly, that panic comes back.
Vash’s eyes widen and his mouth falls open. Luida has the presence of mind to grab his shoulder before he can bolt.
“Is it his?” She wastes no time in beating around the bush.
Vash flinches as if she slapped him. Which is all confirmation enough for her and when she loses her grip on him he tears his hand away and stands up so fast he gets a little dizzy.
“Vash.” He ignores her and collides with her desk hard, making the few picture frames on there fold on themselves with a clatter.
“I-” he wheezes out. He needs to go but his body feels weak. Oh god, he thinks. I am going to faint.
“Vash,” Luida repeats his name. “Calm down.”
He almost laughs historically. Calm down? How can he calm down when he just learned that-
No. He can’t think about it.
It’s the only thing he can think about.
He doesn’t remember how he manages to get out of Luida’s office, or the ship altogether. He remembers running, passing people who called after him, asked him incomprehensible questions in concerned voices that he ignored, until it was just him and the sand and the suns again.
He doesn’t know how many hours (or is it days?) it has been since he left the ship.
He was running for who knows how long. Then he was walking and walking.
Then he was just dragging his feat, when he collapsed under some gnarly looking trees and a small rock formation.
He curled himself in a ball in his civilian, baggy clothes. The first sun has set and the heat has let up a little. Soon the other one will set as well and it will be night.
Vash only then realizes he has nothing. He doesn’t have his travel clothes, his bag, or his coat.
He has even left his gun back at the ship.
He just left the way he stood, not looking back, hoping he could outrun his problems as usual.
He wraps his arms around himself and curls himself harder.
How is he supposed to run away from this?
When it was literally a part of him.
Suddenly he screams. Long and loud and hard. He screams at the top of his lungs.
Screams until it turns hoarse.
A moment later the other sun dangles over the horizon and he starts heaving, his body shaking and spasming, wrecked by and choking on dry sobs.
No tears come to offer him relief.
When the sun sets he screams again.
“You fucking bastard!”
“Was that Vash?” Brad pops his head into the office not long after Vash has bolted from it. They must have passed each other in the hallway.
Luida picks up the fallen photo frames. One of them has a crack in the middle, disrupting the image in a grotesque way.
There’s probably no way to replace it, not with the limited resources at least.
Hopefully this is not some weird omen or a sign. Luida is a woman of science but…stranger things than science have happened since she boarded this ship all those decades ago.
Vash’s whole existence is one of these things and now…this.
“Yes.” She carefully returns them to their proper places and sighs.
“Where did he run off to?” He asks, entering the room and looking around. When he spots one of the chairs on the floor he raises an eyebrow.
“Did you tell him?”
Luida hesitates.
“Yes.”
“Then we should-”
“Leave him,” she cuts in. “Let him be alone. He will come back.”
“How do you know?”
Luida looks at him and then back at the cracked photo, her hand curling around the back of her own chair.
“I know.”
Vash does come back as Luida predicted.
He’s gone only a week tops but when he shows up it feels like he’s been away for ages.
In a way he was before he came back to ask for the tests but now he looks like a wreck. His clothes are dirty and a bit torn, like he got into a fight or ran into a sandstorm. His hair matted and messy, messier than usual when he doesn’t keep it up in his signature spikes.
And of course his eyes. Red, so obvious from crying with dark circles under.
Luida takes him gently by the hand and leads him to his room.
He’s forced to take a shower, eat a full meal and then tucked into bed.
After over twenty four hours of undisturbed sleep, she visits him again.
Vash stiffens at the mention of more tests, but he nods slowly and lets himself be led to the medical.
This time they won’t be aimless like before. They know what they’re dealing with.
Which is worse in Vash’s opinion. As ridiculous as it sounds he really would prefer not to know.
“This can’t be happening.” Are his first words since he came back when he watched Luida wheel the ultrasound and the bed.
“I’m afraid it is.” She presses a few buttons, getting everything ready and gestures for him to lay down and roll his shirt up.
“How?”He takes off his shoes and does as he’s told, getting as comfortable as he can on the narrow bed.
He jumps when Luida applies the cold gel to his skin. He grunts softly when she spreads it around with the probe.
“Good question,” she mutters more to herself than him, brows knitted and glued to the monitor.
Vash is silent and avoids looking at the image projected on the screen, so he looks down at his body where Luida has the probe pressed to his stomach.
There is a little bit of…something. Vash just assumed he gained some weight with how irregular he has been eating and sleeping recently. Which also aligned with the rest of the symptoms he brought to Luida. The exhaustion, sleeping and the toilet thing.
Learning that he has a human in him is nuts.
Vash stirs.
Human? Would it be human? Definitely not fully. He…he was human but Vash is a freak.
This…this…it just doesn’t bode well for anyone.
Vash is on the verge of a panic attack again; he wants to run. He must run. Get away. Save every-
“Look.” Luida’s calm voice cuts through his thoughts and Vash’s head snaps up.
He watches the tiny bundle on the screen as Luida angles it towards him.
It doesn’t look like a human. It doesn’t look like much of anything really. Just a clump of cells.
Luida presses a few buttons in silence and prints the image on the screen. She gives Vash the little Polaroid and when he takes it, she wipes his skin from the tacky gel.
There’s a million things Vash wants to say but neither makes past his clogged throat, so just stares at the photo.
Luida takes off her latex gloves and makes her way to the desk, where she’s already typing something on her electronic pad.
Vash hops off the bed and sluggishly makes his way there too. Heavily he drops on the chair, throws the Polaroid on the desk and buries his face in his hands.
“You had other sexual partners before right?” Luida asks suddenly.
Vash grimaces and drops his palms to grip his knees.
“Yes.”
“Regular ones?”
Vash gnaws on his lip.
“Vash?”
“Just one.”
“Fully human?”
“As far as I know.”
“And nothing like this has happened before, right?”
He shakes his head, his messy hair falling into his eyes.
“Was…he-”
“Experimented on, yes. He was human but had certain…modifications.”
He doesn’t want to get into unnecessary details. It’s not like they can do anything about it.
“I see. It’s probably why it took,” Luida muses to herself. “So he’s the other parent, unless you had other partners in the last few months.”
“I didn’t.”
How could he.
Luida nods, and doesn’t prod him further.
Vash hides his face in his hands again.
“This is a nightmare.” He breathes, his voice hitching around a barely suppressed sob. “We weren’t even- we had sex once. And were both drunk. We didn’t talk about it and then he-”
He hears the soft shuffle of Luida’s chair being pushed away and then feels a firm but gentle hand on his shoulder.
He looks up at her suddenly.
“What should I do?”
Luida shakes her head.
“You should do what you want.”
Vash can’t help but scoff.
“I’m serious Luida. I can’t be responsible for-”
He cuts himself off and swallows thickly. He can’t say the words.
“All this.”
Luida squeezes his shoulder.
“You know you don’t need to keep it? It’s your body. No one will judge you.”
Vash opens his mouth but says nothing. That is a possibility. He didn’t really think about it before because it just wasn’t his immediate thought.
It is an option. It certainly would, well, not fix things but make some things easier. It would be one form of Vash taking responsibility in a way. He owes it to everyone. For everything he did. Or didn’t do.
“Do you want to keep it?” Luida asks when Vash is quiet for a prolonged moment.
He knows he should say no, but-
“I don’t know.” He frowns and looks at the ground. “I’m not sure I should.”
The frustration he’s feeling makes him pull at his hair.
“Me? A parent? This is ridiculous. I’m a disaster. I can’t bring up a child.”
“But also…”He gnaws on his lower lip, trying to stop it from trembling.
“I can’t do this to people. Another me? No.”
He shakes his head for emphasis.
“Vash,” Luida sighs. He knows what she is about to say and he doesn’t need to hear it. Not right now. He doesn’t want comfort. He doesn’t deserve it. He made a mistake and now he needs to do something about it.
The options are on the table. He just needs to choose.
“At the same time.”
He looks up at her and he knows he looks scared. Terrified.
Vash lowers his gaze.
“At the same time.” He puts a hand on his belly. He really feels that slight raise now, the bump there, that he thought was just a patch of gathered fat from gained weight.
“This is the last thing he left me. It feels…wrong not to accept.”
He closes his eyes and breathes through his nose.
“I need to think.”
“Alright.” Luida drops her hand from his shoulder and he finally looks up at her.
“Whatever you decide, we will support you. Okay?”
Vash gives a slow nod and then he can’t hold back any longer.
“Okay,” he mumbles while rubbing at his eye and sniffling pathetically.
“I’ll get you a tissue.” Luida takes a small step backwards and Vash feels his heart leap into his throat.
He impulsively lunges at her, wrapping his arms around her and burring his face into her stomach. He hasn’t done this since he was what? Forty maybe? It’s embarrassing but for a brief moment he doesn’t care how it looks, he just needs this for a while. Someone to hold him.
“He’s a bastard,” he sobs into her lab coat. “Leaving me like this.”
Luida makes a small hum and runs her hand through his hair. It makes him feel like he’s a kid again and god does he wish he was just that. A child. Harmless and small and insignificant.
He knows he never was that though.
“I’m sure he’d want to be here for you. With you.”
“Both of you.”
And that? That just makes Vash cry harder.
“Okay Vash, just breathe and then push.”
It’s easier said than done but he does as instructed, pushing as hard as he can.
As far as pain goes, this is not even the top ten worst things his body has experienced during his long, arduous life. The whole nine months passed in flash somehow, and before he knew it he was here on this table in the medical, with Luida and a few other nurses assisting.
Vash feels when the baby is out and it’s a strange sensation. He drops back onto the bed, all sweaty and rumpled and relieved. Finally.
There’s a brief consternation among the medical staff and Vash is immediately on alert.
“What is-”
But he’s cut off by a sudden, high pitched wail.
Vash can see how everyone breathes a sigh of relief at that noise, their postures instantly relaxing.
He watches blearily, how they move around and then Luida is next to him, with a small bundle, wrapped in a blanket.
“Here she is.” She presents it to Vash. “It’s a girl.”
Vash blinks and tries sitting up. Someone helps him, and props up his pillow so he’s more comfortable
“Girl?” He breathes in awe.
“Yes, look. This is your daughter.” He watches with huge eyes as Luida deposits the bundle, his daughter, in his arms.
“Oh. She-” “She looks….she looks so much like-” He can’t really finish the sentence and has to look away for a moment to blink the tears away.
The baby whines and squirms before yawning, getting cozy in her little blanket and he immediately looks back to her, his focus laser sharp.
“She seems healthy.” Vash hums at the words, not really paying them any mind. He touches the squishy cheek with the tip of his finger and then the little nose (it’s hooked), runs the pad of it over small eyebrows and again down the bridge of that familiar nose.
“Later we’ll test her for plant DNA, okay?”
That gets his attention and he looks up, brows furrowed as he presses the bundle closer to his chest.
“Easy Vash. It’s just to see how much of a plant she is. You will raise her however you want. But we need to know in case she gets sick or something else happens.”
Vash sits up and cradles his daughter even closer. He’s ready to bolt but then the baby in his arms starts to squirm and cry at the too hard hold he has on her and he crumples.
“I’m sorry shh I’m so sorry, I didn’t want to hurt you.” He rocks the baby a little and it seems to work and calm her down.
“Okay?” Luida comes closer with an electronic pad and searches his face. “She’s family too.”
Vash looks at her, his previous bout of protective instincts calming down and his mind clearing.
“Yeah. Okay. You’re right. Sorry.” Luida shakes her head.
“It’s okay, don’t worry about it. For now enjoy the time with her. She needs it.”
Vash nods and turns again to his fussing baby daughter.
“Shhh it's okay baby,” he pauses and chokes on a sob. “God you have his eyes.”
Luida dismisses the other nurses and draws the curtains around the bed to give Vash some privacy.
“Thank you.” He blinks away more tears and she leans over to wipe them with a tissue.
“I’m putting a placeholder for later but if you already have a name-”
“I do.”
“Okay.” She sits down on a stool by his bed. “Already thought of one?”
“She told me herself.”
“What?”
“It’s the Plant bond.” he touches his forehead to the baby in his arms and smiles, as more tears escape his eye.
“Nico.” It’s a hoarse whisper and he has to swallow a few times to form a full sentence.
“Her name is Nico.”