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“Love” was a strange concept.
A concept was something irrefutably undefinable. Unreachable.
It could be anything from a pure hearted bond to something warped and twisted, like Mizuki herself. She knew this, and yet, she craved. She craved.
The situation was laughable. Even if people managed to love her, once they saw the monster she was deep down, they would leave.
Mizuki was an afterthought to most people. She was a stubborn ghost lingering at the edge of memories, refusing to leave. Something like her should be eradicated. She should be ground into fine powder and evaporated. She should be broken down into fragments until she was unrecognizable.
She stared at the mirror’s reflection. If she was born correctly, would everything change? Would Mizuki be forgiven for her great sin? If she wasn’t trapped in this husk of a body, would people treat her as a real person?
They are “right”, and Mizuki is “wrong”.
Disjointedly, like a puppet, Mizuki cupped a hand to her face. The warmth spread over the newfound surface area.
It burned. Her body deceptively bled red, but the tainted blood that powered her body would surely bring destruction and ruin to everything she touched.
She was weird. That was an objective, logical, proven fact. Even if she tried to conform to human society, she was just shunned and judged. Someone like her couldn’t possibly pass as normal.
Distantly, Mizuki remembered someone else. They called Rui a weirdo too, both now and back in middle school.
But his life was distinctly different from Mizuki’s now. Before, she thought they were mirrors of one another. They were supposed to be two outcasts forever destined to live in a parallel dimension of what wasn’t quite right.
A bitter laugh escaped her rusted throat. Like before, everyone would just leave her. Rui joined the masses who lived in that brilliant, sparkling world where nothing goes wrong.
It’s not fair. They were supposed to be equals. Why did he get to change? Why did he get to make friends? Why did he get accepted, while Mizuki—
Who was she kidding? She knew why she wasn’t accepted. They were always destined to separate. Rui has always been destined for greater things.
On the other hand, the sad excuse of a living creature she was can never reach that bright place. Happiness was a fleeting dream for her, something you have to claw out from the throes of death itself.
Though sometimes, she even fooled herself into thinking it could be in her grasp. When that classmate of hers seemed like they’d accept it, or that ex-friend said they were fine with it—
Liars, all of them. Dirty, filthy liars, who go on and on spinning their tall tales. All anybody ever did was lie to her. Those good for nothing creatures should all just shut up. Mizuki should sew their mouths closed.
Why did she even try, if everything ended the same either way? Mizuki would always be alone. She should have known, and yet she continued searching for things she couldn’t have. She was always the naive fool who never learnt, believing that maybe this person would understand her, since they were so accepting.
She was not allowed to hope.
Opening up her heart was useless, when nobody would accept the black goo dripping from every crevice of her body. Like a toy found to be faulty, she always got thrown off the shelves, into the bin to be forgotten, or maybe kept on display to be laughed and gawked at. She was nothing but a circus animal born for the sole purpose of entertaining the audience that clapped at her neat little tricks.
Agh, it was no use to think anymore. Thinking meant realizing she was alive. Really, the only time she can ever believe she was “happy” was when Mizuki was injecting blue light into her brain. Mizuki needed to fry her nerve receptors to ignore the mocking faces of her classmates because she needed to ignore them until she forgot they exist because all she can do to make it to the next day was ignore ignore ignore ignore—
A smile spread across her face. There was no problem. If she couldn’t see anything wrong or hear anything wrong and isn’t voicing anything wrong, then there was no problem. If ignoring all her problems made it easier to survive today, then this one insignificant wound wouldn’t hurt at all.
She wished she was allowed to exist. Even in a world as cruel as this, there were small joys to be found. She liked fashion. If only she was allowed to express herself. Why was everyone else allowed to be themselves, while Mizuki was trapped in this zoo cage? Why was everyone else allowed to smile so happily?
They knew nothing. They didn’t understand. They didn’t get how painful and agonizing each breath was, so they frolic about in their flower fields, enjoying themselves every day.
Mizuki bet none of them ever wondered why they were smiling. They lived because they were alive, and that was all there was to it. They had dreams and hopes and they could imagine a future for themselves.
How nice. She was jealous. How very lucky that they got to live like that. What did they do to deserve that good fortune? Why couldn’t Mizuki, in all of her beast-like form, get to live like that? Why couldn’t she get that luxury?
At the very least, she shouldn’t have gotten this punishment of living with this heavy weight in her chest. Even if she did nothing, the overwhelming apathy crushes her chest and spreads out to her very fingertips until it’s seeping at the pores and spills over and her beloved spectators witness an amazing spectacle once more.
Mizuki should be stoned, or perhaps burnt at the stake. Maybe drowning would do?
The tendrils of jealousy wrapped around her throat once more. Rui was so lucky to have escaped this life. He had people who loved him for who he is.
Mizuki wanted to be loved.
She acknowledged Nightcord. They had this unique bubble of warmth around them that didn't burn, even making her feel safe. It was a solace for her. A haven she didn’t deserve, and one which would surely fall apart with her presence.
She should enjoy it while it lasted, so Mizuki cradled her secret close while guarding it under lock and key.
They had fun together, and she would go as far to say that she cared for them. If Yuki successfully disappeared, she would feel terrible.
However, when she heard K offer to compose a song to save her, all Mizuki felt was seething envy.
Yuki got to talk about her feelings and true self and people still tried to help her. If Mizuki did that, all she would be faced with is rejection.
It’s a horrible thing to think. Yuki tried to disappear. In fact, she was so confused that she didn’t even know what she liked. If Mizuki didn’t have her interests, she didn't know what she would do. And Rui faced so many bullies, just like her. He had his own struggles.
Mizuki had always known she was a horrible person, inside and out— Or maybe she was hideous because of her rotten heart.
That same stupid organ of hers got attached to Rui and N25. She received a death sentence, all because they gave her a place to belong, temporarily. As much as Mizuki loathed to admit it, they were dear to her.
She loved them, even. They did not love her back. And even if they did—
She could not allow that.
If they did, she couldn’t face them. Everything would be too oppressing and obnoxious and loud and so wouldn’t they please just leave her alone?
If Mizuki let her defences down for just a moment, N25 would breach through and she would spill her heart to those undeserving of it once more. They share their joys together, sure— but at best her sorrows would simply be brushed away. Why was she not allowed to feel emotions? Why couldn’t she be something more than a clay mold?
Existing was so, so hard. Existing was impossible for someone like her. She was a wind-up ballerina, only allowed to dance at someone else’s whim. Why was she punished just for existing? It wasn’t fair. Mizuki never asked to be born.
In Rui’s case, he outgrew her. Everyone did. Rui was now “normal”. He belonged. Would it not be pathetic of her to beg him for a scrap of attention like a dog? Mizuki did not belong with anyone. Mizuki did not belong in this world. Nobody, including herself, wanted her around. She was unlovable.
Mizuki was tired. Exhaustion was a core component of the very marrow of her bones. She didn’t care what happened anymore.
Mizuki wanted to run away, to a place nobody would ever know her. She wanted to shut away the outside world and live in a void with nothing but herself. She wanted to disappear so badly.
Instead, she booted up her magical girl anime, and let the sounds whisk her away to an easier world to breathe in.