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I Didn't Want To

Summary:

The teenage Ruskin keeps envying his little sister. In the zoo, suddenly a snake tells him what he should do.

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The young, brown-haired teenage boy, Ruskin was standing in front of a certain glass in the zoo and just stared at the creature inside. His sister was whining that they should keep going, but Ruskin didn't move, nor let her hand go to let her run away. Ruskin was mesmerized by the creature he saw: it was a huge, white snake whose golden eyes watched him with such intelligence like he was a sentient, thinking being and not just an animal. Ruskin had the feeling that the snake could see what was in his mind, its tongue slid in and out of its mouth... like it was judging him. But Ruskin didn't feel uncomfortable. The snake currently paid more attention to him than his own parents and he liked feeling important - for once in his life.

"Jonathan, I want to gooo!" His sister complained in a high voice, but Ruskin just gestured at her like he was gesturing an annoying insect away. His sister was a little brat and got everything from their parents. Ruskin would just do her good if he lets her learn to wait.

He turned back to the snake. It seemed like it watched him with even more curiosity. But that was impossible, after all, it was just a simple snake. It must be just bored, thought Ruskin and he was about to step away, breaking himself from the immersion when he suddenly heard a voice inside his head.

"Your parents don't love you. They love her. They always wanted a daughter, right?"

Ruskin froze from the words. The snake slid closer to the glass, like it was the one who spoke to him. But that just cannot be! Snakes don't talk! Ruskin shook his head. He must be imagining things. But the voice in his head was actually right. He indeed didn't mean anything to his parents.

"If she didn't exist, they would love you."

He heard other words and they were like a pain struck into his heart. He glared at the snake that stared back at him like it could truly see into his soul.

"You have a wish. Are you strong enough to achieve it?"

Ruskin started to tremble. The voice became louder and at the same time, the snake's pupil became sheer. Ruskin wanted to walk away before he would go insane, but he couldn't move. Something chained him to the glass like he somehow fell under the snake's hypnosis. Was it really the snake talking to him? Or was this all just in his mind? He couldn't differentiate between reality and his fantasy anymore. Either way... what the voice said was true.

"You want to be loved by them. You deserve to be loved by them. You are the oldest child. I can help you."

"Really?" Ruskin whispered and leaned closer to the glass.

"Leave that stupid snake alone and let's go, dummy!" His sister started crying. But Ruskin didn't look at her. He couldn't take his eyes off the pair of golden gaze.

"Unlike them, I see your worth. But they only see your sister."

Ruskin clenched his fist from the pain. He would have done everything to get his parents' love - he tried so many times and nothing changed. He couldn't make them care about him. Until his sister existed...

He didn't notice that he started to repeat the words after the voice.

"Would you really leave this to be? You have a choice. Do what you need to do. It will stay a secret - between you and me."

The tongue was sliding faster and faster behind the glass.

"Snakes don't talk, after all."

"I will tell you to Daddy and Mommy that you made me wait!" His sister was about to throw a tantrum when Ruskin finally turned back to her. He watched her like she was nothing more than an insect. He realized how much he loathed her - this little whining toad that kept him away from what he desired. He was the first-born child - his parents should give their love to him!

"As you wish." Ruskin hissed and they walked away from the glass. Ruskin could still hear the voice behind his back.

"Kill her."

It all happened in one moment. There was a cat on the other side of the street. Her sister screamed to let her pat it. Ruskin should have kept her back and held her hand. But he didn't want to hold her hand anymore.

Maybe if she runs across the road....

His hands followed his thoughts. He tossed his sister to make her move. There was a scream... then blood...

The next thing Ruskin could clearly see was a lifeless little body on the road and the crowd that started to gather around it.

"It was just an accident. She ran before the carriage and got under the wheels." Ruskin whispered despite that nobody asked him. He knew that he was lying... but he didn't lie again. "I didn't want this... I didn't want this!"

He suddenly heard the voice like the snake crawled into his head. The golden eyes now watched him with a sense of victory.

"You did it, boy. Your new life starts now."

“She is dead... and it is your fault!" Ruskin cried out. He just watched his sister's motionless, broken body. The blood dirtied the road and flowed into the sewer.

"Mine? I just showed you what you wanted to do all along."

Ruskin shook his head.

"I didn't want this..."

The tears started to run down on his face. Now he knew the truth - he truly didn't want this to happen. He didn't want his sister's death. He just wanted to belong and to be loved.

And despite that, his sister died. Somebody killed her.

He was the one who killed her...

"Those who don't have a wish, don't fall for the temptation. You did." The voice echoed in his mind while he shrank to the ground and covered his face so no one could learn the truth. His crime couldn't come to the light or he would get killed. When he wanted to live.

Like his sister wanted to live.

"You belong to me now, boy. You are destined to follow my path from now on." The voice said at last before it faded away in the crowd and Ruskin was left alone with the guilt that he knew would stay with him for the rest of his life.