Archive of Our Own

Elim, 

You’ve barely been gone a whole 24 hours and I miss you. Saji misses you. Kel, even with her arm and being the grumpy thing she is right now, misses you. We miss you. My bed is far too empty without you. I can’t even reliably talk to you via subspace. I have opinions Elim, things only you would understand and only you would want to debate me on. You’ve ruined me, absolutely completely ruined me. The station isn’t home without you. 

You’re missing out on some of the fun, Jadzia is finally returning fully to her post now that her maternity leave is up, and my god Elim, Mogh, is the cutest kid (not counting Saji as she is obviously cuter). He's not even six months old and rolling onto his stomach and holding his head up. I don’t think it really dawned on Jadzia and Worf just how fast a Trill-Klingon hybrid would grow. 

Worf has never looked so out of sorts, he walked into Ops this morning wearing one of Jadzia’s hair clips because he was running late and couldn’t find his own ties. Turns out Jadzia was wearing them, she’d grabbed his in her mad dash out the door with Mogh to get him to the nursery.

Kira vetoed another Starfleet recommended security chief, she wants Bajoran like Odo, but it’s been slim pickings. I think Worf used to be a security officer when he and Miles were on the Enterprise, so I think in the meantime he’s taken over some of Odo’s duties. 

I got word that a new medical officer had been assigned to DS9, an unjoined Tril by the name of Ezri. She’s a counselor. So many people could use her expertise following that damned war. I want to ask her to see Saji. She’s seen so much, between the death of her mother and then that business with Dukat… I won’t do anything until I get your approval. But as both a doctor and her father, I’m worried she’s internalizing whatever shit Dukat told her.

She’s so quiet, Elim. It’s like I live with a ghost. She refuses to be apart from me or Kel. She's even taken to trying to bathe with me. I know you have a lot to contend with on Cardassia, so please don’t think I’m complaining, I just feel a little over my head on how to help her feel safe again. 

Once you arrive and you receive this letter, please let me know what aid I and the others can send your way. I know it won’t be the aid I think we’re all hoping that the Federation will offer, but it has to be better than nothing.

Please be safe my love. Return when you can and write when you can. We’re waiting for you.  

Yours, 

Julian B 

My dearest Doctor, 

Your letter was a little late in finding me, but lifted my spirits at hearing from you. I ran into that Doctor friend of yours, Kelas Parmak, he has been keeping me company and shares in your sense of unneeded worry over my health. I have also come to realize that… he is a man whose life I altered. I interrogated him, years ago when Lang’s dissident movement was still quite young. 

He gave me names, I sent him to a labor camp. A doctor to a mining labor camp on one of Cardassia III’s moons. His hands would have been like yours if he’d been left to his practice, soft, nimble no calluses from labor he was never meant to do. 

How do I begin to make it right, Chu’lian? How do I undo what harm I caused? I am just as responsible for this as Dukat, the Order was just as corrupt. Tain thought himself God, tried to be a God. What was that human myth you told me about the wax wings? That was Tain. And I was a puppet for a long time, I didn’t use my brain to see the truths laid so plainly to see. It’s exhausting. Every dead body we pull from the rubble, I feel as though they accuse me. 

Lakarian City was the height of Cardassia, the gem of the system: stately buildings, parks with well crafted greenery, the universities that housed the youngest and brightest of my people. It’s all rubble. It’s tents as far as the eye can see, and the smell. States preserve me, if I never have to smell rotting flesh it won’t have been long enough to have forgotten this smell. 

I miss you, Saji and Kel more than I thought possible, but knowing that you three are waiting for me makes this bearable. As far as Saji is concerned, I trust you to make the best decision for her health. If you think this Ezri can help her, please ask. Thank you for taking care of her, and I’m sure you’re doing your best, my love. I will say that it is not an uncommon practice for young children to bathe with their parents on Cardassia - speaking of bathing. As she grows she’ll have regular sheds. Our scales are notoriously stubborn about releasing during our shed.

Regular warm baths should help with releasing them and with removal, there’s a scrub brush among my things, it’s designed to help with the removal of scales. Also, she’ll need scale oil. I have an unscented bottle for her, if you run low, Quark should be able to help you procure more. It’s very difficult to replicate and I dare say not as effective as the real stuff. 

You know where I keep my latinum, take what is needed to pay for whatever she needs - and don’t argue with me about it. 

I do wish I had been there to see Mr. Worf as ‘out of sorts’ as you say. I do hope that you all have teased the two of them endlessly. And it sounds like you all have your hands full finding someone who can fill Odo’s shoes, or maybe I should say bucket? He will be missed, but I hope that he can change the course of his people like he hoped. 

Thank you again for your letter. I look forward to speaking with you if the subspace relay gets finished this week, but if not, letters are equally as delightful. News from off-world is a balm for many in my block. As for your request as to what aid to send, medicine, food, clothing - we lack so many basic necessities. Whatever can be spared, it will be distributed to those of us who need it most. To all who donate, please pass on my gratitude. 

I should wrap this letter up, else you’ll have a book to read. Again I miss you my dear, give Saji a kiss for me. All my love and I will see you again soon. 

-Elim

Yadik, I miss you. Daddy says you’re making Cardassia better. Helping heal the hurts. Daddy makes me go see Ms. Ezri, she’s nice though so it’s not too bad. Most of the time we play. Sometimes we talk, she’s a good listener. Daddy found me some pretty smelling scale oil, Kel says it reminds her of summers on Cardassia. I drew you a picture, it’s you, me, Daddy and Kel. I love you, come home soon. Saji. 

Elim, 

Seems your letter got to us before the subspace relay was completed, or maybe it is completed and like all things, there are complications. I hope Saji’s letter is legible, I thought it might be a good practice for her to write to you in Kardassi. She was quite proud of that drawing, we might have a burgeoning artist on our hands. I have several drawings like it in my office. 

Thank you for the information surrounding her shed, I’d noticed she was itchier than normal and her scales were duller, turns out it was a shed. After a good soak she was right as rain and much happier. Ezri has talked to me a little bit about Saji. She has diagnosed Saji with PTSD, we have her on some medications to help alleviate the depression, and Ezri is working with her on helping her work through the worst of her fears. Molly has been a god-send. She will just sit with Saji and talk about whatever comes to mind, never demands more out of Saji than her company. 

Keiko and Miles have offered to let Saji spend the night with Molly if she wants. When Saji actually asked to go, I was so happy! She seemed in higher spirits after the slumber party. Naturally I’ve extended the invitation for Molly to come spend the night with us. I managed to snag a holo of the two of them together, they were so engrossed in their tea party they didn’t notice. 

I also enclosed a holo of Saji playing with Mogh. Jadzia says that Saji is a natural little helper and was very gentle despite Mogh being quite rough and tumble. Kel is doing well, her arm is healed, she’s in a cast while the new bones finished their calcification. I anticipate her being in physical therapy by the end of the month. 

I am very glad for my friendship with Jadzia, she is such a gossip so, it makes being able to fill you in on the happening so much easier when she happily tells me everything over a few drinks. I know more about my coworkers than I thought possible. According to Jadzia there is a love triangle between three ensigns in engineering. Apparently Ensign Rumi, she’s Betazed, and her partner, Ensign Kaliope, she’s human, might both be interested in Ensign Virelk, he’s Vulcan. The poor boy doesn’t know what to do, I don’t think Vulcans practice polyamory; but who knows, maybe they do? For being a founder species of the Federation, Vulcans do like to remain mysterious to the rest of us. And of course, she knows how to get Quark talking and he’s been up in arms over Rom’s changes to Feranginar. Leeta is also making a splash, a woman, wearing clothes! The scandal! I secretly think Leeta loves the controversy. 

In relation to your question regarding ‘how to make it right,’ I don’t know that I have words of wisdom. From what I could tell of Dr. Parmak, he seemed the amenable sort, if it weighs heavy on your mind, maybe an apology? You have now spent more time with him than I have. Our relationship was mostly professional, so only you would know if he would be receptive to such an overture. I think you also have to accept that asking for forgiveness does not mean you will receive it. Victims are not required to forgive those who hurt them. For some it helps in the healing process, but not all. 

Elim, please remember you are not solely responsible for this mess, you might have perpetuated the hurt in your youth, but you see now the error. You are atoning, you have changed because you want the change. Not many can do the hard work to look in on themselves and take apart all that has poisoned them. You being on Cardassia now speaks to your commitment to your people and your desire to help Cardassia be the best she can be. Take heart my love, I’m proud of you. You are a good man. 

I hope the care package was also received in a timely fashion. When I told Kira that I was putting together a care package, well, she went to the Bajoran temple and asked the Vedeks to help her acquire many of the goods.  So blankets, clothing and rations, courtesy of the Bajorans on this station. I was surprised by how many have inquired if you’ll be returning to your shop. I’ve sent as much as the infirmary can spare for basic medical supplies. 

Be safe, take care of yourself, I’ll be mad at you if you don’t! All my love, see you soon.

Yours, 

Julian B. 

Saji, 

Thank you so much for the drawing, it hangs over my cot and when I see it I think of you, my dear. You captured the colors so vividly, I do love it. I would enjoy more of your art should you wish to send it to me. I miss you terribly and I think of you daily. I enjoyed that we got to speak on subspace. I am proud of you for all your work in school. Your hair is getting quite long, be sure to keep it oiled as I showed you. Do not forget to use your scale oil daily as well, that station will dry your scales right out. If you need anything to keep warm, I have some scarfs and sweaters you are welcome to. They will probably be too big, but sometimes we can forgo fashion for comfort. 

I know I have already stated it, but I miss you my sweet. Listen to your father and I’ll be back soon. I love you too. 

-Your Yadik

Julian, 

These holos were just the medicine I needed. You do know how to take care of me, don't you? Saji’s penmanship could use some work, maybe you can ask Kel to help her as I know you’re still learning Kardassi as well. I am envious that you have all the drawings, I demand to see them on my return. It is a novel experience to show people my daughter's drawings. Even the holo with her and Molly is a favorite around here. I think sometimes we forget just why we’re doing this. Seeing the happiness of a child brings comfort. 

Damar has finally found me, and seems he is intent on forcing my hand to take up as part of the temporary leadership. Not that I mind necessarily, I will do what I can for Cardassia. I just It is a change, I have been a pariah for the better part of a decade to my people, now people are turning to me for direction. Even Damar, you know he snubbed me frequently when he served under Dukat, looks to me for my opinion. 

Speaking of Damar, he is forcing me to leave for a few weeks. He says too much time away from family is a sickness we cannot afford. I find I cannot find it in myself to argue. This letter may even arrive after me, I should hope not. When I have more information on when I will arrive back on DS9, I’ll try subspace. 

The Delvian chocolate was a nice treat to receive as well, I shared it with Kelas.  I did as you suggested. I offered my apologies. You know what he did? He laughed! Actually laughed at me saying there was no need for such words between friends. Why do I keep finding honest souls who seem so willing to see past the blood on my hands? If I wasn't hopelessly in love with you, I would think about pursuing Kelas. He says hello by the way.

I have enclosed several letters from recipients of the packages from the Bajorans, they wish to pass along their own gratitude as well. Their generosity after generations of our cruelty to them is something no Cardassian ever thought we would see. I am hearing more and more people show remorse over our old government’s actions. I am growing hopeful that somehow true change just may sweep Cardassia, a government for the people by the people. Wasn’t that a saying you humans had in your history? Or am I making that up? Regardless, while things are still bleak there’s hope. 

Do keep me updated if Leeta causes more scandal, especially if it irks Quark. Seeing that vole squirm is always good for a lifting of one’s spirits. Also pass along my sentiments that the Commanders’ son is quite handsome. His skin tone rather reminds me of yours, and the spots are fascinating to see, they’re so dark! How’s Colonel doing now that Odo is gone? 

It grows late as I write this, and the work crews start quite early. I should retire. Writing to you like this I can pretend even if for a moment that we’re close. I love you Julian. I will be with you again soon. 

-Elim

Elim, 

I finally get used to having you home and then you go off and play hero some more (Look if you can accuse me of such, I can and will accuse you of such). I’m glad you talked Kel into staying with me and Saji. Saji still very much relies on her sister for feeling safe. I think you’ll agree though, she’s doing better. Ezri is pleased with her progress as well. We did spend the better part of the night crying together. She gets going and I can’t help it, the next thing I know, I’m crying. I’ve never been a sympathetic crier before, I suppose children do bring out aspects of ourselves that we never knew of. 

Where do you think you’ll find a place for us to put down roots? I wish you had a camera so you could take pictures to send me. 

I’ve heard some rumors that Bajor is pressuring the Federation - or rather, Kira is and Sisko is helping. Apparently the Federation’s hypocrisy surrounding their withholding of aid to Cardassia has not endeared the Federation to the Bajoran people. As such Kira has offered counsel to the provisional government leaders with backing from the Vedek assembly to withhold their application into the federation, until ‘such a time when Federation ideals align with the Bajoran’s Spiritual beliefs.’ 

OH! And the most excellent news, Kasidy is expecting! From everything I’ve been able to determine, it’s a little girl. Sisko plans on taking Kasidy down to Bajor in a few weeks to finalize their marriage in the eyes of the prophets. It’s amazing to me how much the Captain has leaned into the Bajoran’s believing him to be their Emissary. I think the longer he’s here and the more time he spends on Bajor, the harder it will be for him to leave Bajor. 

In somewhat more humbling news, Nog has been reassigned, I believe he’s boarding the USS Tempest on a deep space mission. The Tempest should be docking here in the next week or so. I think Rom and Leeta will be coming by to see Nog off as he’s still under Sisko’s command until his transfer. He’s promised to write and if I know anything, he and Jake will stay in close contact. So I’m sure we’ll hear all about his adventures. I will be curious to hear how he fairs with others who did not see him grow from the wild child he was to the fine young cadet he is today .. Or rather ensign. Did I mention that? For exemplary service in the face of danger, he was granted a field promotion by Sisko. Well deserved if you ask me. 

Now if only I too could get a promotion. Not that it matters one way or the other, once you find us a home, I’ll resign my commission. If there is aid planned to Cardassia by the time we’re looking to relocate I might try and hop on that, but that would be the only reason I would hold on to my commission. 

I’m excited about the prospect of living on Cardassia, I know it’s still months in the future, but… it’ll be our home Elim. You, me, Saji and Kel if she wishes to stay. Saji will have a stable place to grow and be herself, even if Cardassia is still a hot mess, it’ll be our hot mess. Together? Right? 

I go where you go. 

You go where I go. 

And never will we go where the other cannot follow. 

I’m making myself weepy thinking about it all - and yes, I am sentimental. I’m lonely and sentimental, so you get to deal with it through my long wind ramblings in a letter. I miss waking up and nuzzling into your neck ridges. I miss sitting on the couch and reading side by side. I miss your wild stories about all your clients that would come through your shop. I miss seeing your name on the stations directory. No more Garak’s Clothiers. I think Saji misses it a bit too, she doesn’t get skittish any more when we go by the shop any more. She really misses the time you two would spend when you taught her embroidery. She still practices, but she gets sad when you’re not here to help her or for her to show you what she's done. 

My gods, I could go on for days, but I know you don’t have days with which to read my waxing sad and poetic. So I’ll wrap this up. All my love is with you Elim. Stay safe and we will see each other soon. 

Yours,

Julian B.

Ps. Saji saw me writing a letter and naturally she wanted to have me send you this drawing. She said you need it so you don’t forget her. Which of course I said was silly, you couldn’t ever forget her, but she was quite insistent. So enjoy my love, it's a good one. 

Saji, 

Your father sent me your drawing, and you were right, I did need it. But not because I was in danger of forgetting you (that is an impossible thing to do my dear, you are my heart and beat in my chest every day), but because it is such a beautiful piece. It brings smiles not only to me, but to the others in my work crew. I am not entirely sure as to what you were trying to represent, but can I tell you what I see? 

It reminds me of a sunrise over the plains near Lakarian City. Your use of reds and oranges are inspired my dear. You capture hope and vibrancy and life so much. Things many of us need to see to be reminded that good things are to come. The sun will rise again, as they say. Thank you so much my dear, you made Yadik very happy indeed. Of course if I am off the mark, you must tell me with haste what I am missing. 

Be a good girl and practice your penmanship with your sister, and when I have a chance when I am home next I will help you with your embroidery. I am sorry I haven’t been as attentive or spending as much time with you as I should. I hope you can forgive me. The scale oil you and your father procured for me is a welcome luxury here and I am grateful you thought of me and snuck it in my pack. I know it was you, my dear, your scale oil clings to the air. I could smell you’d been in your father and mine’s room. You’re a good girl. I am proud of you. Never forget that my love. 

I will see you soon and I hope that I hear from you soon. I hear the subspace relays are little more reliable, so hopefully in addition to letters I can see your beautiful face and talk with you. 

Until then, I love you. 

-Yadik.

Julian,

It is strange to think about where I will build us a home; that I will have a family here on my home planet with my mate and my daughter. Sometimes I wake up and think, surely I am dreaming. Surely I have not been so blessed. Then I see Saji’s drawing above my bed, and I realize, no, no it’s not a dream. I am gladdened to have reminders of what I do this all for because it’s - Julian, sickness runs rampant. Sanitation is non-existent, starvation is imminent for many. Just when we finally stopped finding bodies in rubble, now we find bodies just out in the street where someone keeled over. Nothing but scales and bones. 

While the admirals and colonels and politicians politik, people are dying from things that could so easily be preventable. Old women whose hands are so gnarled from years as laundresses, children too young to even understand the Occupation or even what the Dominion was - I am hesitant to use the word innocent, but they are. Julian these people are innocent. They held no riffle, no phaser, committed no acts of cruelty to deserve this kind of end. 

If they want to punish someone, then punish those responsible, not the innocent.

I feel so guilty when I leave, that I get to go where there is no death and suffering, where I can have warm meals, warm baths with my mate and daughter at my side. People are still searching, still trying to find their loved ones. Mothers hoping their sons didn’t die in the rebellion, children hoping their parents weren’t crushed under the rubble of the bombs. And I am fat and happi(er) compared to those around me. 

Ezri approached me while I was on the station, said she was happy to listen if I needed to vent. It’s one thing for her to treat Saji, but me? She’s a child, Julian. She reminds me a little of you when you first came to DS9. All bright eyed youth and optimism. For Saji, I'm sure that's perfect, but I … I find I am only comfortable with speaking my fears with you. I know that is a lot to put on you my dear. Although Kelas is fast becoming someone I trust as well. He saw me at my worst and still chooses forgiveness. Besides you, I don’t know that anyone else could understand. 

Getting off the subject of death, back to the subject of a house, I think… I think I will try to reclaim Tain’s estate. It is technically mine by succession laws, and even now his reputation still sways people in fear. I doubt many would want to live where he once lived. I hope that won’t bother you. I haven’t been by really to see if anything is salvageable. After I finish helping in this latest project I've cleared my position to be able to head to the countryside. 

If you are not satisfied with my plan, let me know, I will think of something else. 

You’ll forgive me if my letter isn’t as long, I am tired and sleep while not as restful without you by my side still calls to me. 

I love you, I look forward to hearing from you again. 

-Elim

Ps. Pass on my congratulations to the Captain and Mrs. Yates. I look forward to celebrating this new life. 

Yadik, 

You got it right! Well, I don’t know of that plain, but I remember with Madik that sometimes she’d wake me and Kel up and we’d watch the sun rise. Red is pretty, not as pretty as purple, but still pretty. Kel and Ziyal spend a lot of time together and Ziyal lets me use her paints. Daddy says we can’t send you the painting as you don’t have a place to put them. So I’m saving them for you. You have to come home so I can show you! 

I miss you. I miss you a lot. Sometimes I’m scared you won’t come back. Ms. Ezri says it’s okay to be scared, but I don’t like being scared. 

Daddy says you’re gonna build us a home. But home is here, right? I don’t want to leave Molly. And I like helping Aunt ‘Zia. 

Since I can’t send you my painting I made more drawings for you. And Molly and I are going to work on a blanket! Mrs O’Brian is going to help us! Daddy says he doesn’t know how to sew. Some of the other kids at school are going to try and make blankets too! We want to send them to kids on Cardassia. Is that okay Yadik? 

I’m sorry if my letter is really long, do you like my handwriting? Is it better now? I’ve been practicing. Kel helps me with my spelling too. 

Come home soon, I miss you. Love you. 

-Saji

Elim, 

I hope you don’t kill me for this, but… I showed parts of your last letter to Kira and Sisko. I wanted them to hear just how bad it is on Cardassia. I hoped that maybe someone would feel pressured to try and do something. It was only the parts about the situation on Cardassia, nothing else. 

I should have asked, but the delay between the letters would have meant more people dying possibly. I hope I made the right call. If I have broken your trust, I am sorry. 

I am not sure if Saji has mentioned it, but there is a growing collection of canvases that is adorning our walls. I’ve even had to take one or two into my office. Jabara loves them and has even asked Saji if she’d paint something for her. She told her flat out, no, that her paintings were for her Yadik and that she should get proper paintings from Ziyal. Jabara was so flabbergasted. I tried not to laugh, I failed, Jabara is now mad at me. 

As for Tain’s house? Property? I have no strong feelings one way or another. If you think that is the best place then I trust you, assuming I haven’t gotten you to write me off for my transgressions. 

As for the way you feel… it’s not uncommon, it’s called survivors guilt. I feel it too… especially after the war, we still run into people who are suffering or who have lost someone. We’ll get through it. 

I always wonder… if I have moved faster, pushed myself harder if I could have saved even just one more person. Did I give up too soon? I just… I don’t know. It's one of those things that keeps me awake some nights. 

I'm sending more medication and first aid stuff your way. Saji and many of her classmates are trying to make blankets, I’m not sure if she mentioned it in her letter. So that’ll be coming along at some point. Children aren’t exactly expedient, but their hearts are in the right place. 

Jadzia and Worf were thankful to your sentiments about Mogh, Captain Sisko and Captain Yates were grateful to your sentiments, they hope you get to meet their baby. Sisko said something about uncles? I didn’t understand it.

No other pregnancies to mention, but I did have dinner with Rom and Leeta. You know I never thought I would sympathize with Rom over anything. But now that Saji is squarely in my life, the thought of having her ‘leaving the nest,’ fills me with dread. Although Rom was far more composed than I thought he’d be in relation to Nog’s reassignment. Leeta looked lovely in Ferengi fashion, I think she had something commissioned that combined her Bajoran earring with the dangling chain thing I think I saw Quark and Rom’s mother wearing. And in an interesting point of fact, Rom was wearing Bajoran earring. I feel like DS9 needs to rebrand, something to do with all the cross cultural relationships that have popped up. I mean, think about it, you and me, Jadzia and Worf, Kira and Odo, Rom and Leeta, there’s been a few starfleet officers who have met their spouses on Bajor. 

Like you, I’m writing this at night, I have an early shift and I should end this and go to bed. But if I do that means I have to get up. Which means I’ll disturb Saji. Saji’s current laying in my lap, dead asleep. She had a nightmare, I’m glad you’re not here to hear it, she screams sometimes. Bloody terrifying, at least tonight I wasn’t asleep when she screamed. That happened the other night, I nearly concussed myself trying to get to her. They’re not as frequent her nightmares, but the screaming is new. I might need to see if it’s her medication, sometimes antidepressants can cause vivid dreams. I probably need to talk to Ezri as well. 

When she’s asleep I see you in her, and of course her eyes. I think rather than waking her up, I’m going to take her with me, let her sleep on your side. She seems calmer when she gets to sleep on your pillow. Good night Elim. I love you.

Yours, 

Julian B. 

Julian Bashir. 

How. Dare. You. How could you think to share news of the desperate and broken people here. How could you think I would be offended that perhaps news of said suffering might spurn action! How dare you be so considerate. 

…

If it wasn’t clear my dear I am only teasing, I do not mind you having shared that portion of my letter. Damar tells me that a contingent of Bajorans arrived with medical supplies and food. I was wondering what spurned them on, but I would bet if you showed Kira she was the fire under their asses. There were tons of ration bars, it will help alleviate some of the hunger. I’m sure she is aware, but tell her, and that I send my thanks. 

You’ll never guess who I ran into! Mila, my mother. When I found Tain’s manor destroyed I had lost hope. Turns out she hadn’t been home during the bombing, had taken a vacation to her own village for the then coming equinox celebrations. She damn near shot me, thought I was a looter. 

Mila and I were never close, she was always distant with me. So it’s strange to be working side by side with her to clear the rubble of Tain’s manor and sleeping along side her in the shed that Tolan used for his gardening tools. I think she feels as awkward with me as I do with her. Both of us keenly aware that we don’t have the expected relationship of mother and son. Yet, she seems to want to have a relationship with me. 

She was delighted to learn of Saji. She asks about her, what she’s like, how old she is; when I told her that Saji has blue eyes like me she was very pleased. She has blue eyes as well, and claims her genes are the strongest for her granddaughter to have her eyes. I’ve shown her the drawings she’s sent me and the holograms I have of her and Molly. Mila was concerned about Saji being with Molly, she isn’t quite convinced the rest of the galaxy isn’t going to kill us. I also don’t think she realizes yet that you’re human. I have not hidden our relationship from her, and it is taking her time to accept where my heart lies. I don’t want to put her off completely by revealing your species. I do hope you’ll forgive me for that. 

We’re fairly certain the cellar of the old mansion is intact. We plan to utilize it when we clear enough rubble to access it. Two grown Cardassians in that tiny shed is not exactly comfortable. 

Kelas came by as well, he gave Mila a check over while he was here. He determined that she was malnourished, but then again, who on Cardassia isn’t? We had a delightful evening of conversation and ration bars.

Is there anything I can do to help ease Saji’s nightmares? When she first came to us she often woke up crying, I’m sure you experienced that. The last time I heard her scream I think was when the shop got blown up. It is not a sound I wish to ever hear again. I hope you are taking care of yourself too, my dear. Your Captain said that ‘it takes a village,’ you have a village there of people who will help you if you need it. 

Before I forget, would you start trying to sourcing building materials? I’ll have to come back to the station to collect them, I don’t trust the materials arriving unmolested if I have them sent here. I believe I should have received a payment from all the fabric I sold off, use what you need. 

We should really stop writing to each other in the dark of the night, someone might get the idea that we long for each other and miss each other terribly. 

All my love.

 -Elim

Saji, 

Your last letter was indeed much better, I can see how hard you’ve been practicing. Your letters are strong and precise, clean and beautiful, just like you my love. I am glad to hear that my interpretation of your drawing was correct. It still remains a favorite. It livens up every space I am in.

I get scared too, we all do, and it is not a nice feeling to feel scared. When I get scared I tend to get grumpy. Tell me, what does Ms. Ezri tell you about dealing with your fear, perhaps it can help me too? Did I ever tell you that I have claustrophobia? If you don’t know how to read that word, ask your father or sister. But it essentially means I get scared in tight spaces. It makes me feel like I can’t breathe, it catches me off guard sometimes, like when I was working the other day. I found myself in a rather tightly packed tunnel with other workers, I had to get out. But I promised you I would always come back to you, I have no intention of breaking that promise. So please don’t fret. 

Your father tells me you’re taking some medicine to help you feel better, but if it doesn’t help then tell your father. He wants to help you not feel scared too. 

I wish I could take your fears from you, but you are a brave girl, and so resilient. You will overcome this, and I’ll be here for you always. To cry on, to vent to, whatever you need I will do my best to give it to you.

And I cannot wait to see all your paintings, when we finally come to live on Cardassia we can hang them up on the walls. I know you don’t want to leave the station, but our home is here. And you and Molly will always be friends 

The latest drawings are equally as impressive as your last, your command of color theory is imaginative for someone so young.

With the blankets. I think it is a very wonderful thought to want to help the other children here on Cardassia. I’m sure the blankets will be well received when you finish. Make sure you mind your fingers with the needles. And never use a sew machine without adult supervision. 

I do not mind long letters. They make my day, getting to hear from you. So write to me as often and as long as you’d like. 

I love you, I look forward to holding you again soon. Listen to your father and keep you with your studies. 

-Yadik

Elim, 

I am so sorry it’s taken me this long to write, it’s flu season and it feels like the entire station has been infected regardless of our inoculations. Even I caught it. Being a parent, a doctor and sick… 0/10, do not recommend. The Bajorans seem to have a natural affinity for immunity against this bug. I was kicked out of my own infirmary, put on bed rest. How exactly does one rest when your child is also sick?

Poor Saji, she has it bad. Coughing and fever, we’ve had to lower the temperature in the room. She's that hot. Kel is also sick, but seems to be handling it better than Saji. I’m exhausted, Elim. I hope that you’re well and I hope that you didn’t catch this bug before you left. 

We’ll get better, don’t worry, but I don’t know that she’s going to be up to writing a letter. Maybe later. Currently as I write this we’re both in bed. She’s curled up on your pillow, thankful her breathing has opened up a little. We took a hot bath and the steam seemed to help loosen up the mucus in her chest. I know I should be asleep, but my mind won’t shut up. At least when I’m writing to you I feel semi-productive. Did you make it alright with the supplies? How is the building going? 

You’re truly a man of many talents, tailor, builder, computer coder, code cracker; and you’re mine. This flu has me giggling like a school boy when I think about you. I wish you were here, you’d probably be sick too if you were but, misery loves company. This move cannot come fast enough for me. Everytime you come back and tell me all the stories I hate that I’m stuck here. I know that this is the best thing for us, keeping Saji here and letting her recoup, but I miss you. I miss us. 

I’m sorry if I sound like I’m complaining, and I guess I am. It's entirely selfish and I knew when we started seeing each other that I would never be your first priority, not when it came to Cardassia. I’m jealous of the State, Elim, I’m jealous that Cardassia has taken you for so long and so far away from me. It’s silly isn’t it? And I guess I am also a little maudlin due to the news I got from Miles. 

He’s been given an offer to teach at the Academy. Keiko is excited about going back to earth, I don’t blame her I know she and Miles have family there. But, slowly bit by bit, the people who made this station feel like home are leaving. Worf has been offered a position as ambassador to the Klingon Empire by the admirals. He and Jadzia have been talking about it. And I think Jadzia is leaving into the idea, a stable place on Qo’nos to raise their son? With Alexander serving under Martok, Worf will see his other son more frequently too. Odo’s been gone, Rom and Leeta are gone, Nog’s gone. I’m happy for everyone of course, they need to do what’s right for their families, and careers but… I haven’t felt like this since I was a boy. Feeling like I’ve been left behind or abandoned. 

No one ever wanted to play with me at school, I was too talkative, too hyper, too smart.  Too Much. That's what I was told, I was too much. Add on top all that I was more than often the new kid because of how often we moved around. I hate feeling lonely, I know Saji’s here - Kel too, but… they’re not a peer. They look to me for guidance, I just want to be with someone on equal footing. 

I'm sorry for unloading all this on you, I know you’re dealing with quite a bit over there you don’t need me being the needy human. It's probably because I'm sick too. 

I’m starting to feel the heaviness of my eye lids, so I’m going to take that as my sign to go to bed. I love you. Don’t forget about me okay? 

Yours, 

Julian B. 

 My dearest Julian, 

I am sorry you and the others were ill, and let’s be honest with ourselves, you wouldn’t hated having me there if I was sick. No doubt I would have ignored all your recommendations for rest, and tried to keep going and doing only to pass out on the promenade. So be glad I wasn’t there, sounds like you had your hands full enough with Saji, you would have hated having two children to contend with. 

I hope that made you smile. I miss you immensely my dear, and I… won’t sugar coat that my duty to Cardassia will always come first, but I will admit to hating having to choose. I wish that both my duty to you and to the State could line up, that I could be with you and Saji at all times. It was a little amusing to have you tell me you’re jealous of a nation of people. I promise the only bed I will come back to it’s yours. 

You said something similar about ‘being too much’ years ago when you showed up drunk on my doorstep. I never wanted to ask what you meant, I was afraid I would trigger another somber mood. Somber and sad doesn’t suit you my dear, you are meant to smile. Knowing that even then you felt alienated due to things about your body and mind you didn’t understand. I cannot imagine how that felt, but I want you to listen to me, Julian Bashir. I want you to really listen and understand. You are not ‘too much.’ You are perfect. You are my Chu’lian, my brilliant doctor, my gifted, bright and beautiful mate. There is nothing about you that should be changed, yes, you can be intense, but that is because you are passionate about what you know. I have always admired that about you. Your conviction and your confidence. You are bold. You are my sun. You warm my days and drive shadows away from my nights. If anyone ever tries to dim your shine, I will personally see to it that they regret it. 

When I return to your side I will show you, I will whisper my love to you, against your lips and every inch of your skin. I will bask in your glory and worship you as you should be worshiped. 

We have the framework for the house, three bedrooms, one bath and an open air kitchen that the sitting room is attached too. Our bedroom might not be spacious, but I will find a bed that we can sink into and pretend we are sleeping in the clouds. 

I would ask you for decoration ideas, but… that is sadly the one thing you do not excel in - do not mistake me, you are still perfect. We all have things we excel at, yours is medicine among your many different skills, mine is fashion - among other things. 

I love you Julian. I know I don’t say it enough, I probably don’t show it enough, but your friendship and now your love have shaped me into a better man. You've given me more than I thought I would ever have. More than I think I deserve. 

Stay strong my dear, we’ll be together soon. 

I haven’t said it enough in this letter, I love you. I love you. I love you. If I knew more than just Standard or Kardassi I’d tell you in multiple languages. I love you. 

Yours in every way,

-Elim

Elim Garak, 

You cannot do that to me! I cried for like fifteen minutes after reading that letter! I cried hard enough that Saji was concerned! I knew you had a silver tongue, but a poet too? No one would ever believe me if I showed them this letter and claimed you wrote it. I… I’m beyond words. And the words I have seem so insufficient to tell you how much your letter means to me.

Thank you. Thank you for always seeing me and accepting me as I was, even when you learned I’d been lying for years. Thank you for loving me, even when I run off at the mouth and move too much. Thank you. It is nice to hear (in this case read) how much you love me. But I’ve always known. You show it, it’s in all the little things you do for me. I have never had such a considerate and thoughtful partner like you. 

And for you, my heart, I will always try to smile. As long as you smile back. Your smile is gorgeous (when you’re not being a mischievous shit). But I love you all the same. 

The house sounds lovely, I cannot wait to see it. Will you be home in time for Saji’s birthday? Please tell me it’s not just me who’s a hopeless case in not knowing my own daughter’s birthday. Kell mentioned it which is how I figured it out. 

How do Cardassians celebrate birthdays? Or do you actually celebrate?  I just realized I don’t know your birthday. Which is completely unfair as you know mine. How can I possibly bask in your wisdom otherwise? Oh! Maybe when I finally meet your mother she’ll tell me! Do you think she has any baby pictures of you? I bet you were so cute! 

But didn’t you say that Mila was employed by your employer? Is she just as shady as you in relation to personal information? Maybe she’ll be shady about her information and tell me all the fun little stories about baby Elim that I am dying to hear. 

I’m going to try to take more holos of Saji. I think she’d like that. Having permanent images of all together. 

We should throw a birthday party for her! Invite all the children on the station, have cake, it’ll be a wonderful memory, something she can look back on when she is older. What do you think?

Now I’m all excited, I should go hit the holodeck and exercise, drain off all this energy. Maybe Saji will feel up to it. 

I feel like at this point I’m just rambling to ramble, if I keep writing then we’re together longer. 

We’ve finally heard that there’s a provisional government on Cardassia, and that it’s asking for aid officially? Have you heard anything? It’s caused quite some controversy here on the station, naturally there are those who oppose the idea, but if Kira hears about it. Watch out. I saw her dress down a Bolian for daring to imply that Cardassia deserved this. She has turned into a very outspoken ally to Cardassia. She marches the promenade some days and it feels like looking for a fight. 

I don’t get much with my main post in the infirmary, but from what I gather there is far too much politicking going on for her liking. She’s throwing her weight around and I love her for it. She’s trying to fight for Cardassia in her own way. What a change from all those years ago? It feels like that was a lifetime ago. 

Ah well… I do need to wrap this up, Saji just got home from school and I promised to help her with her homework and for us to practice our writing together. When I feel more confident in my ability to string a coherent sentence together, maybe you can judge my handwriting as well. 

Stay safe, stay hydrated and come back soon so that we can set off on our new life together. There’s so much to look forward to and I want to do it all with you, Saji and Kel. And Mila too, I suppose, if she’ll have me. 

I love you. See you soon. 

Yours in this life and the next, 

Julian B. 

Ps: you should be getting a rather odd collection of blankets from the students in Saji’s class. Enjoy!

Kelas, 

Would you be able to watch my property while I return to DS9 and collect my mate and children? Mila has started growing some sand peas and there might be a few shoots worth picking if you want them to liven up your rations. 

Please let me know post haste, my shuttle leaves in the next week. I know it’s sudden but it was either that or wait another month, and I am for once being impatient. 

I miss Julian and Saji. 

As always I look forward to your correspondence. 

With gratitude, 

Elim