Chapter Text
When senior year started Shane swore it would be a great year I mean how could it not? He had his friends, his family, his boyfriend and hockey, all the things most important to him it’s what he thought.
It was the fourth game of the season he was captain Ilya and Boyd were his assistant captains it was a power play all of them on a line when the biggest guy he ever saw slammed into him and the funny thing is the guy looked panicked like he couldn’t stop in time so he crushed Shane into the ice.
It hurt like a bitch god he might have blacked out for a second because the next thing he knows he’s waking up in the hospital.
…wait what?
Oh god his ribs were cracked and almost broken. The doctor said he couldn’t play anymore without risking his life if his rib punctures his lungs.
God he lost hockey the only thing he had interest in now he had a career ahead of him now he has no idea what he wants to do with his career anymore.
Sports medicine? No he didn’t think he could be around hockey without missing being to play it.
Medicine maybe? Yeah he will look into that maybe a pharmacist he can’t handle too much blood and grime so a doctor or nurse is out of the question.
And he didn’t think he was good enough with his own emotions to be a therapist.
Maybe a teacher? He thinks he would be a good teacher, maybe history or a language teacher. He does want to learn more languages like Russian and Japanese. He knows the basics of both languages but he wants to be fluent.
He was brought out of his thoughts by strong arms circling his waist from behind Shane immediately leaned back into Ilya's chest.
“Hey baby” Shane said putting his hands over Ilya’s hands
“Hi Lyubimaya, how are you doing?” Ilya said, kissing his cheek Shane smiled. Ilya was worried about him he liked knowing someone cared about him.
“I’m fine just trying to think about what I want to do now that I can’t do hockey.” He still couldn’t get over that sentence he hated saying it he hated thinking about it but he can’t help but think about it.
He was now realizing that he was so obsessed with hockey he didn’t even think about other options or anything he was interested in doing he had no other hobbies and god he was going to have to put on a smile every night going to Ilyas games hopefully Ilya wouldn’t see that it killed him not to be playing with him anymore.
“Why? You don’t need a job or career I’ll be providing for you” he said with a slight frown on his beautiful lips. Shane turned around in Ilyas arms facing him.
“We talked about this. I'm not ever going to sit at home and do nothing while you are this big shot hockey player. I will pull my weight and god forbid we break up or something happens to you and you can’t play anymore? We are going to need me to have a job.”
Ilya sighs knowing Shane is right but still not liking it
“Fine but for the record we are never breaking up I’ll have to be dead for me to leave your side.” He sounded so serious like he was about to make a blood oath or something but Shane still smiled.
“I feel the same way baby I’m just saying what ifs”
“Well stop it because it’s never happening.”
God Ilya was going to be the death of him and it will be a happy death.
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It was November when everything really started to fall apart he was out of hockey so the only things he had left was his friends,boyfriend and family.
He was trying to find more hobbies and he had taken up reading books that aren’t hockey related and well he found that he liked the mystery genre the most so far and he found he liked drawing and he was quite good at it not that he would ever show anyone one of his drawings ever but it was fun and takes up time and space in his brain where he would have space to worry about everything else.
But the only weird thing was that when Ilya was pulling away he got quite and more not angry but irritable whenever Shane would try to tell him about something Ilya would clench his jaw and just stare at him.
It was weird and it made Shane feel insecure like his looks were pissing him off or maybe Shane just talked to much and Ilya didn’t know how to tell him to shut the fuck up.
Or both, yeah it was probably both he could ramble a lot and lots of people found it annoying and he never really liked the way he looked especially his freckles. Ilya always said he loved them but maybe he changed his mind.
Or it was how much bigger he got since he stopped doing hockey and working out. As much as he noticed he was getting a bit bigger he would have to get back on his diet and maybe amp it up a bit and be more strict with it since he couldn’t work out much anymore.
So that’s what he did and it worked he got smaller not exactly what he wanted but at least he wasn’t getting bigger and it was something he could control he felt it was the only thing he could control now that he couldn’t do hockey and Ilya stopped looking so angry every time he looked at Shane.
Well that is when he looked at Shane it was like he couldn’t stand to look at him anymore did he get uglier? Or maybe Ilya missed the old Shane, the athletic Shane with an okay body and some sense of order and knowledge of what he was doing.
Because Shane didn’t know anything he felt like he was getting dumber. His thoughts were slower and he talked slower than normal like he was trying to understand what he was saying god he must sound like an idiot.
He has to do something to get Ilya to still want him to tolerate him again because Shane can’t handle losing him, he just couldn’t do it.
Oh god Ilya was talking to the new guy Troy. He played hockey and he replaced Shane’s spot. God Ilya was going to leave him for Troy. It made sense Troy was more athletic and prettier than Shane and Shane saw him in classes so definitely smarter and he was so much like Ilya they were perfect for each other.
Shane cried the first time he saw Ilya text him that he was going to be late because Troy needed to talk to him. Troy was going to steal his boyfriend away from him and Shane couldn’t do anything about it. He wasn't anything compared to Troy.
He was boring and now useless and stupid and to god damn fat and had this need to be in control god he was so controlling that’s probably why Ilya didn’t want him anymore he didn’t want to be controlled.
…oh god Shane was a terrible human being Ilyas father was controlling with Ilya Shane was like Ilya's father no wonder Ilya was starting to hate him he reminded him of his abusive father.
He cried for hours at that realization that he wanted to talk to him but he couldn't. He had to let Ilya go; he couldn't let Ilya be in a toxic relationship even if that relationship was with him.
So Shane started to get more quiet and distant with him but Ilya didn’t realize he never said anything or reached out to him and that’s probably the best it proves that it’s what Ilya wants.
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Shane soon realized that half his friends were Ilya's friends so he had to distance himself from them so he only had Hayden,jj and rose left but that’s fine they were good friends.
Well since Hayden and jj were still playing hockey they didn’t really talk that much or hang out since they were so busy with practice and with school so they grew apart but he still had rose he only needs one friend he only had one friend in elementary and middle school so he was used to it nothing he couldn’t deal with.
And it was fine till rose got with sevtlana and don’t get Shane wrong he loved seveltana and he thought they were really cute and good for each other the only thing was rose didn’t spend a lot of time with him anymore so he was alone he lost everything except his parents.
He loved his parents and knew they would never leave. It's just they were busy with work and everything and since he got injured his mom has been different like she’s disappointed in him and yeah it makes sense she only really liked his talent at hockey.
And don’t get him wrong he knows she loved him no matter what it’s just that’s what all good parents are like and he had amazing parents but she loved hockey more than anything except her husband of course but Shane was third and probably fourth now with Ilya being her favorite son.
And his dad loved him no matter what but he didn’t spend enough time with him as Ilya always did. He wasn't the favorite son and he was okay with that. Ilya needed good parents, Shane didn't, he didn't need anything anymore.
He was alone and useless and unimportant he couldn’t do anything anymore he was stupid and so fucking ugly he was to skinny now and he didn’t want to eat or do anything and the world was loud and all he wanted to do was stay in bed and think.
But thinking was bad for him and the environment because he would end up having a panic attack and wasting air.
God he was a horrible person it’s probably good that everyone else was rid of him.