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“This is truly remarkable. Truly, truly remarkable.” Darling gave a delighted laugh, brimming with enough joy that Trench experienced a tug of envy. “Reports certainly suggested that the Altered Dog Collar was responsible for a great deal of homework being eaten. Thus, I expected it to summon a dog. That is, if the Collar wasn’t eating the homework itself.”
“Darling.” Marshall stabbed a finger towards the creature which had originally appeared in the Research Sector, somehow eluded security and traveled to the Executive Sector, and was now in Trench’s office. “That is not a dog.”
“No,” Darling said cheerfully. “It’s a goat! Isn’t that wonderful?”
The goat looked up from devouring one of the plants which sat near Trench’s bookcases. With a snort, the goat jumped into the air and kicked as it did.
It dashed across the room. Jumped into Trench’s chair and took another hop onto the Director’s desk. Then, it bleated almost defiantly before dropping its horned head to investigate his belongings. Trench sighed.
“I suppose I may have been incorrect about that particular Altered Item being a dog collar,” Darling said, scribbling in a pocket notebook which he had fished out of his lab coat. “It is certainly the same type of accessory. However, more types of creatures than dogs do indeed wear such collars. Just imagine what else might have ended up in your office, Trench!”
“I am trying not to.” Trench sighed again. “Darling?”
“Yes?”
“The goat is eating my paperwork.”
“Truly fascinating.” Darling made a note of it. “I’m afraid goats are not my area of expertise. However, I suspect that it would be less likely to consume budget reports if provided a proper diet. I doubt we have any hay in storage, but there are plenty of plants around…”
“That’s not what Zachariah is worried about. Or what I’m worried about.” Crossing her arms, Marshall glared at the goat. The goat continued nibbling on paper. “Is that thing hazardous? What dangers can it pose to the Bureau? Is there a possibility that the Collar might summon more of the little bastards? We can’t have security threats just appearing in the Oldest House.”
Darling blinked at her, an owlish look behind his round glasses. “It’s just a goat. I-I hardly think a goat can be deemed a security threat.”
“It’s here without proper authorization,” Trench said. “Presently, it is posing the danger of eating my paperwork and thus compromising Bureau efficiency.”
Marshall marched across the office. She grabbed the goat from the side, hooking her arms around all four of its legs. With a grunt, she hefted the entire creature off the desk and held it to her chest. “Where do you want this, Director?”
Trench looked at the goat. It turned to nibble Marshall’s collar. “Containment Sector. The Panopticon,” Trench said. “Thank you, Helen. Casper, arrange to have the Altered Collar transferred there as well. I will assess the damage here, and we will reconvene at the goat’s cell afterwards.”
“Zach, I wanted to study the goat in its natural environment!” Darling bounded to Marshall’s side and patted the goat on its neck. The goat attempted to eat his bow tie. “I know, I know. The Oldest House is hardly its natural environment. But what if the Collar brought it here for a specific purpose?”
“All the more reason to put the damn thing in a cell,” Marshall muttered.
“Correct. However, I do understand Darling’s point.” Trench pulled off his glasses and rubbed his eyes. His heart rate had yet to slow after the shock of opening the door to find the escaped goat in his office. “If it proves to be a normal goat after examination, you may set up an enclosure in which to study its actions. Like the Astral Exhibition. But for a goat instead of an Astral Spike.”
Marshall snorted. Darling beamed. The goat bleated and added to the number of small oval droppings already present on Trench’s office floor.
The three of them left together. Trench surveyed the damage.
The plant by the bookcases had seen better days. Trench moved it onto a shelf, out of reach of goats. His paperwork had not been destroyed, but it had been extensively nibbled on. He would need to request new copies of forms and reports from Barbara. He would also need to request that Ahti—
A burst of quiet swearing in Finnish came from the door to Trench’s office. Ahti stepped in with his janitor’s cart and shook his head. “This one does not pull chariots, only cause more work for poor Ahti.”
“Mm,” Trench agreed. “I suppose that if I were to visit your office, I would find that you have posted an assignment for me to clean up the mess?”
Ahti just smiled at him and began to sing as he swept up goat droppings. Trench resigned himself to an evening of doing the same all through the Oldest House. The Director was, after all, also the janitor’s assistant.
He didn’t actually mind. In a way, doing odd jobs for Ahti was relaxing. A break from the heavier duties which landed squarely on Trench’s shoulders, sometimes crushing him.
Before cleaning anything, though, a visit to the Panopticon was necessary. Trench proceeded there and found Darling in the process of feeding the goat handfuls of grain.
“It’s seems to be an ordinary goat! I’ve sent out for hay,” Darling said from inside the containment cell. “But I found some grain in the Research Sector. It was for an experiment.”
“Of course it was.” Trench turned to Marshall. She held a rifle and was still eyeing the goat with suspicion. “Any trouble?”
“None, unless you count Darling insisting on going in with that thing,” Marshall said. She jerked her chin towards the neighboring cell, where a purple collar with a plastic clip sat innocuously on a pedestal. “I had the Altered Collar put in there. No activity so far.”
“Thank you. I know I can rely on your vigilance.” Bureau regulations frowned on public displays of affection, but they were not expressly forbidden within reason. Trench bent and kissed Marshall’s cheek. “And thank you for keeping an eye on Casper while he plays with the goat.”
Marshall’s frown softened, and she took one hand off the rifle for long enough to brush a gentle touch against Trench’s arm. “Of course. And I’ll keep an eye on you too, Zachariah. Since you’re about to go join him in playing with the goat.”
“Hey, I am not playing with the goat!” Darling protested while the goat tried to eat his notebook. “I am researching the goat.”
Trench chuckled and stepped into the cell. Darling leaned towards Trench as if requesting a cheek kiss of his own, and Trench obliged with a gentle brush of lips. “Have you discovered anything in your research so far?”
Darling immediately launched into eager chatter about all his observations. The goat looked up at Trench, and as it was no longer eating his paperwork, Trench petted it.
In his incident report, he would not describe the goat as soft. That wasn’t accurate. The hair under Trench’s hand was coarse, wiry. Not soft, but not unpleasant either.
Actually, petting a goat was nice. Trench rarely got a chance to do anything like this. Too occupied with Bureau business. But as the goat was Bureau business, he indulged himself.
Then, with a strange growling noise, Altered Collar began up vibrate inside its cell. It expanded, somehow quadrupling in size, and spun in a full circle.
Another goat jumped out of the Collar. It looked out of the cell and bleated.
Darling gave a laugh of utter delight, and Marshall groaned. Trench sighed and continued petting the first goat. “We will have to determine how to suppress that effect before the entirety of the Oldest House is overrun.”